Good At It
by Svaler
Summary: When teenager Bella gets sicker and sicker because of an ED, which people mock her with, she gets desparate. She barely eats. She sports frantically. She takes pills, but how long will it take for her body to give up on her? AU. *Banner on profile page.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **My first fanfic. Don't judge to haisty, just because it's about anorexia, you might even like it.

I added humour at the genre, because some people find some bits hilarious. BUT that doesn't mean the combination anorexia and humour, but just some things that Bella says or thinks. I am not making fun of anorexia, simply trying to make other people realise it's a illness that **can** be treated or will either **kill you**.

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**Out of the clinic**

06-06-2010

Name: _Isabella Swan_  
Age: _17_  
Weight on _12-02-2010: 90 pounds_  
Weight on _01-06-2010: 135 pounds_

Note: _Isabella has gained much weight in the past few months. She's done great and with no doubts will stay healthy._

That's what the clinic has written about me. As if it's really that important. I was sitting in my old room, which looked pretty much the same like it had the last time I had been in here.

I quickly turned of the pro-ana website, where I read about how to purge, and shut down my computer, because I heard Charlie getting up. I grabbed my math books and pretended making homework.

'Bella,' Charlie called.

'Yes, come in.'

He opened the door, walked over to me and watched what I was doing.

'Hey dad, I can't figure out this math sum, come and help me.'

The look on his face almost made me laugh. Almost.

'Oh, no, no, no, I just came to tell you I'm going to buy some food. Is there anything you want?'

He looked hopeful. Of course, I had to do the unexpected now.

'Yeah, buy me some chocolate, I haven't had that for ages. The clinic and all its health rules. Really.' I rolled my eyes and gave him my too-many-showing-teeth smile.

His face lit up and he practically ran to the door to buy the food. And chocolate. For me. Yeah right. Charlie was easily fooled.

I've been here with dad since Friday. My mum back home in Phoenix told me, once I was out of the clinic, that she had good news.

I got bad news. She sent me to Charlie, her ex-husband. I remember her calling it a clean break or something. She talked to me like 2 hours, telling me she was proud of me and that this time I would make it on my own. Annoying woman. Outside Charlie had gotten in his car and honked 3 times, 2 short ones, 1 tall one. It would have made me smile... if I was 6.

_11 years ago_

'_I wanna drive the car, please__, please, daddy,' I screamed in his ear._

'_Drive, drive, you're driving me insane!'_

_I kept screaming 'please'._

'_Okay, okay,' he said. 'You may...' I won! My face lit up and a smile was growing on my face, '..honk.' he finished his sentence. Smile vanished. Well that's probably the best I would get. So I got on his lap and kept honking, until also that was driving him insane._

'_You know what Bells, I just got __a wonderful idea. Let's make something that will be just something between you and me. If someday you get lost, or scared, or want to get back home, or just somehow want to show me it's you, you honk. What do you say of this?' and he honked 3 times, 2 shorts ones, 1 tall one._

_I liked this idea, so this time, I honked our silly, little secret._

Annoying man. Doesn't he realise I've grown and don't like stuff like that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love them both. I just want them to stop all that babying up. And tomorrow Hell would start. It wouldn't have annoyed my so, if it was just a bigger school. This school is so small and I've never had many friends. When I was 12, suddenly all of my friends turned their back on me. Just like that. We had had good times. But they got happy cheerleaders and paid too much attention to their hair, nails and boys. I could handle that.

But then, they started picking on me. And that hurt. Especially, because I was alone and had no friends. And that, I couldn't handle. Every night I fell asleep crying and hyperventilating. I'm glad I never did that in public. People would probably say I'm exaggerating. That would be too much to bear.

I lost appetite when I was 13. Then I lost hunger. But it became an addition, the not eating. One day I found this website, with all these people wanting to by skinny. I contacted them via mail and they mailed me back. And that's who my new friends became. They were kind to me, helping me to get to my goal.

My old friends suddenly called me fat. No way, I thought, I just lost weight, didn't gain it. This made me mad. But that night, I didn't cry. I told myself to suck it up and not to shed any tears for _them_ anymore.

The years went fast and I weighed 95 pounds for a while. I didn't have any real friends. I wasn't good at school. I didn't have a boyfriend. The only thing I was good at was losing weight.

The following years just got worse. But I didn't hear them. Not really. It was like a buzzing in my ear. But I knew they still called me fat, and ugly, and useless.

I remember mom coming to school and see all the girls calling me names. She got mad. Really scarily mad. She told them what the hell they were doing. And that they never ever should call an anorexic fat.

I didn't know what she meant by anorexic and when I asked her, she said that I was. Anorexic people don't eat, want to lose weight and deny they have it. I was about to deny when she mentioned that anorexics deny it and I'm glad I didn't. She would have probably thought that me saying that would have confirmed it all.

I kept losing weight, until I had a break-down in February. The doctor said I had lost too much weight. I had anaemia. And also I was missing a lot of vitamins. He said I had to go to this clinic that would help me. I didn't want to go, but mum forced me.

So I lived there fore a few months. They force fed me at first, but then I had a plate with food in front of me and wasn't allowed to leave until I had eaten it all. I cried with each meal and hated it that there was always an adult around there, sitting next to me, to see me weeping like a baby. They didn't get it.

I got out of the clinic. Sure I've gained weight, but I'll get rid of it again.

I heard Charlie's car return. Thank God he didn't honk.

It was 5 o'clock, A.K.A. eating time. I missed breakfast, because I slept in, and I was able to lie to Charlie about lunch. I suppose I have to eat something now.

I went downstairs and saw Charlie was eating a pizza. When he saw me, he asked, 'Do you want some pizza, or will you cook something else?'

Something else, please, I thought to myself. 'Thanks dad, I'll make something for myself.'

When I had made some vegetables, I was really surprised Charlie hadn't come and checked on me. He must have known the reason why I was here? So I would eat! Everybody said I have anorexia and am still fighting it, but that I'll make it. Well I don't have it. I don't! I peaked in the living room and he was watching intently television. I ate some more, but threw most of it away. I also drank some water and vitamin pills and went to bed.

But not before I hung over the toilet and flushed away diner.

Those pro-ana websites are miracles.

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**A/N: **You probably think how Edward plays a role in this? Well, he'll appear in chapter 2, but don't be too happy... He isn't the charming guy that he is in Twilight :) But maybe later in the story...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Course I don't own any of the characters.

**A/N:** It really came as a surprise to see how many people are already reading my story!

I didn't know if people would like the subject, but I hope it will have a happy ending. Yes, I have to confess my secret... I don't know the end.

Or maybe I'm lying.

* * *

******Miniature Bella**

'Aaaaargh,' I woke up. What the...? No. Huh. Is that really..? It's a very familiar looking sound.

'DAD, IS THAT A ROOSTER?' I screamed when I realised that what I was hearing, really was a bird.

He answered just a few seconds too late a hesitant 'No.'

_What does he mean 'no'?_ I'm hearing the damn thing. If he doesn't shut up in the in less then 10 seconds, I'll make him. But he kept going on far too long and I shot out of bed.

I was looking decent enough in my sweats and shirt. With that I mean Charlie won't see any bones. I've discovered that that bothers people most, seeing my bones, so I'll just have to cover them. Even though I don't see any bones, but I guess they do.

When I ran downstairs, Charlie looked alarmed.

'Bells, how did you sl-,' but I kept walking and didn't hear the rest off it and walked over to the noise. When I found him, I heard Charlie running after me, saying, 'Oh, did I forget to mention? There's a really funny story behind it. You see. Uhm. Well, I've-,'

'What?'

'They were going to kill him in the abattoir.'

I looked up at him. Then at the thing. And back at Charlie. When he didn't say anything, I saw his sandwich and just had to grin.

'What's that you're eating?'

'Uhm well, what?'

'Dad, that's chicken,' and added, 'probably one of his brothers. Dead. On your bread.'

He was looking like he was searching for words, but then just said, 'Bells, he doesn't do anything,' but suddenly he looked guilty, like that's not true, but continued, 'wakes you up early in the morning,' _what time IS it?_ 'and after that he doesn't make any noise and only eats twice a day. Besides I feed him and-,'

'Okay fine, it's alright.' He looked relieved, which surprised me. It's not like I would have killed the thing. Really. And he is quiet now.

'I have to go to work. You don't be late for school, right?'

'Sure.'

He went back to the house and I watched just once more at the bird. Then I noticed he had just one paw. The poor thing and I kneeled to touch him, see if there were other secret pains he had suffered. But the moment I got close enough to touch him, he attacked me like a cobra. Yeah right dad, he doesn't do anything! Crazy bird. I looked at the wound on my hand and it was starting to bleed, but not much. When I looked at the bird again, his head was held high and he was looking me right in the eye. And he had just one eye. And he was debeaked. And sure there were a lot of scars under those feathers. He was also very skinny.

Actually, he reminded me a lot of me. He didn't trust me, had wounds, inside and out and was skinny. But then again, I wouldn't be able to attack someone and hold my head high and after that watching the intruder right in the eye. I have to be more like this bird! But then again, I do have two eyes, two legs and don't have feathers, so was I...

'Bella!' I jumped up, feeling criminal. 'No need to cuddle the bird,' Charlie called.

'I'm not cuddling anything!' I nearly screeched, but he was in his car already and did that annoying honk thing.

Damn it. I went back to the house and it was only 05.30 so I went back to bed again. I still had time.

Next thing I knew, I heard the bird again. However, this time I was less annoyed. When I peeked at the clock, I nearly fell out of bed. Oh no. I was going to be so late. They'll hate me and watch me walk in the classroom. Damn it. Shit. I pulled on some jeans and a big t-shirt. I ran to the bathroom and quickly cleaned myself up. I didn't have much time for make-up, so I only put some on. I just made my eyes little black and put on some lip gloss.

I grabbed an apple and a bottle of water for lunch. I didn't know yet what books I needed, so I decided not to put any in my schoolbag. I drank some water and took a vitamin pill. No need to faint in front of the whole class, or worse, school, because of this anaemia. Or maybe I shouldn't take them anymore and I hopefully faint in my car while driving. Well there's a thought. Hmm... just a thought.

Now I was really late, it's a 15 minutes drive, and I only had 10 minutes. No, no, panic. My breathing was starting to increase and I felt a little faint. Oh damn. Not now. I usually feel this way when I'm starting to get sick. But now is really not the time. My stomach however was feeling different about that and I just made it in time to the toilet. Where did all this nervousness come from? When I was finally done, I didn't even dare to look at the clock.

I ran outside and yelled 'Thanks' to the bird and got in the car. It wasn't a hard way to school, not at all. Then why was I lost? Double shit. I kept driving circles, until I spotted a man. I hate asking directions.

'Sir, do you know where high school is?'

He looked up, smiling; 'Well hello, young lady. Of course, my children are on that school. Of course it's the only school. You just drive this road and go to the right when you see a huge tree. You really can't miss it.' Oh, yes I can. 'You're probably new here,' and I nodded. 'Well I should warn you not to go 'behind' the tree. That's a 5 minute drive from that tree until another tree. It's called the 'black tree'. Teenagers usually go there to seek trouble. And I'm sure you're not looking for any.'

Strange man.

'Well, thank you, sir. I have to go now, because I'm really late.'

'Just wait a minute,' he said, searching in his pocket and taking a piece of paper and a pen. He wrote something on it, folded it, and gave it back to me. 'That should take you out of your misery. Drive safely.'

So I drove of, with a piece of paper on my lap and tried to locate this huge tree. I magically found it and made the turn right. I could have sworn I had made this turn already once, but just missed the school on my left. I found a perfect place for my car and got really scared, because there were a lot of cars and not one single person. Nausea was coming again. I took my bag and also the paper. I would look later on it. Now I really needed to get into class.

I was running as fast as my legs could carry me and saw the door and was just about push it, when I bumped really hard on the door because the door didn't open. I fell on my ass and ouch. That really hurt. I got up, a little wobbling, and pushed the door again. The sign on the door said 'Pull'. Shit. Thank God no one saw that. When I pulled the door, I saw at least 25 pair of eyes watching me. With my bag in one hand and piece of paper in the other, I felt like an idiot. My hair was probably mess and I was also breathing hard from my sprint. But that could have also been the nervousness.

There was a man and he was looking annoyed. It was probably because I just interrupted his speech. 'Hello,' I said. But that's when I heard the whispering. I heard things like 'look at her', 'd'you see her fall?', 'she looks awful', 'bitch', 'mess' and 'the cleaning lady'.

What was I supposed to do now? I looked at my hand and saw the paper. I quickly opened it with my thumb and read:

**Dear teacher of Isabella.  
I just saw her, giving her the directions to school.  
She'll probably be late, which is my entire fault.  
You won't punish her of course, on her first school day.  
Kind regards,  
Doctor Carlisle Cullen**

Who was this man, why did he know my name and why did he take the blame?

I just handed the man the paper without saying anything. He took it and he read it. 'Oh you're Isabella. I was wondering why you weren't in class. Well that doesn't matter now. You weren't lost too much, were you?' Now why did he say that out loud? Only I could get lost in such a small town. I tried really hard to ignore the quiet laughter and coughs. 'Well, today we have a Biology excursion. We are going to do some fieldwork. It's mostly water bugs we're collecting. Hope you don't mind getting wet! Let's go class.'

The teacher walked on and I was looking at the class. I was really scared and dropped my eyes.

Think of that rooster. Look like the rooster. Be the rooster. I looked up again. I caught about 21 stares, 3 winks and 1 really mad looking face.

I wish that rooster was here.

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**A/N: **So, I've made 2 chapters in one day. Think I got carried away. But I keep getting inspiration and really have this writers urge to keep writing! Hope this won't become an addition.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **Not owning any of the characters. They're Stephenie Meyer's.

**A/N:** I have to say, this might be a very tall story.

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**Biology**

I turned around and went to my teacher.

'Sir, would you mind if I go to the administration first? I have to ask for my school schedule.'

'Of course, but make sure you are quick, we'll start walking.'

So I went around the corner and did a silent thank you for the sign that said administration.

'Excuse me, miss. I'm Isabella Swan, the Chiefs daughter. Is my school schedule here?'

'Yes, I remember the Chief saying about his daughter to Forks. Well, let's see. I've got your schedule right here, and I would like it if you ask your teachers to sign this paper. Once all of them have signed it, just bring it back to me.'

'All right. I have to go now. Bye.' I went back to follow the class. I was the one walking on the end of the row now and I didn't mind. This way nobody would watch me. In front of me I saw a boy with too many muscles. He was tall and looked like a boxer. Next to him another boy was walking and he had blond hair. The boy that had watched me angrily was now laughing.

'Did you see her fall? Hilarious. I can't believe-'

I tried to keep my distance so I walked slower. Obviously, they didn't know I was walking right behind them. And I didn't want to hear the rest of it. I watched my hand and the wound wasn't looking that bad. I had forgotten to clean it. I suppose there was nothing I could do about it now. I would be so glad if it didn't infect.

I hadn't realised I was walking a bit faster now and was rather close behind the boys again.

'-you, Edward? You can't say shit like that. You don't even know her,' the boy with too many muscles said.

'Oh, come on, Emmett. You saw her yourself,' the laughing boy said. 'She looked like an idiot. I don't want to know her. She's not handsome enough. She looked like a ghost, with that pale face. And those ridiculous clothes, she clearly doesn't have any taste. Tanya is much more handsome to tempt me. Hell, I'd rather take Jessica.'

'Edward, don't say that,' the blond guy said. 'Those things could really hurt a girls feeling. Where is she, I thought she was in our class?'

'Don't care about hurting her feeling,' Edward said. 'And don't care about where she is.'

Cruel. Horrid boy. Yeah, well, I don't want to know you either! I tried to walk slower, but I tripped over a rock and fell on one of them in front of me.

'What the hell,' Edward said.

Suddenly, all three of them turned around and watched me find my balance back. When I looked up, I saw the blond guy and Emmett looking worriedly, but Edward took of his jacket. He brushed the back of it, as if I had made it dirty, and put it back on.

'Watch it, you. Don't touch me like that again! If I-'

I walked past them, pushing the blond guy and Emmett a bit aside, until I was out of his hearing reach. I didn't care what he said. But I also didn't want to hear it. I've had enough of this guy. I really had hoped it would be a little better here. But it was just as worse. I felt like crying. Crying for hours, like I hadn't done for years. No, I would suck this up too. He would thing I cried because of his words, but that's not it. I wanted to cry because I hated this place. I hated it so much. I wanted to go home and talk to my friends on the computer. Talking to them always made me strong again. My friends supported me and were kind to me. I was strong, because I hadn't eaten for a while now. I smiled to myself. How much would I weigh now?

I looked around and I was feeling a little better. It looked like we were at the location we had been heading for. The rest of the people had stopped walking and were starting to talk now.

'Alright, listen up everybody. Form groups from 3 or 4 and you all know what to do. I'm here if you have any questions.'

I was looking around, to see everybody get started. I noticed Emmett watching me. 'You wanna join our group?'

I was about to say no, since I most definitely didn't want to spend any time with Edward, when Edward suddenly said:

'If she joins us, I'm out of here.'

'Edward,' Emmett said.

'Yes?'

'Shut up,'

He looked stunned. Emmett suddenly grabbed my arm and we walked away from Edward. He whispered, 'Don't worry about that douche bag. He had a fight this morning with dad. I'm Emmett by the way and this is Jasper.'

'Call me Bella,' I said.

'And that over there,' he pointed to Edward, 'is Edward.'

I turned around to see Jasper and Edward behind us. I was just in time to see Jasper hit Edward on the head. Edward looked annoyed, but suddenly the unthinkable happened. Edward smiled. At me. I looked behind me, I was sure he was smiling at those girls he mentioned before. Nope. Nobody was behind me.

'Well hello Bella,' Edward said very nicely, extending his hand 'but _of course_ you can join our group. We'll have a lovely time. I'm sure of that,' and when he didn't withdrew his hand, I quickly took it and shook it once, but he squeezed my hand quit hard, so I had to pull it out of his hand. Auw. It was the hand with the wound. He didn't mean all that crap he was saying. I wasn't going to fall for his lies.

I saw people walking to the big lake until the water was around their knees. They had catching nets and put it on the bottom of the lake and made a movement from left to right, until the thing was full with crap. They brought that to a bucket that was filled with water and flipped the net in it. The crap got out and this way they could easily grab the bugs and put them in smaller pots, which were also filled with water. I watched them with one eyebrow crooked. Did they really want me to do_ that? _

When I saw Jasper filling the bucket with water and Emmett grabbing crap with the net, I couldn't see Edward anywhere. Better. I didn't want to be around him. Sigh. I was feeling a little dizzy again. Breathe, Bella, breath. I really had to take those vitamin pills better. Every time I took one, I threw it up. I didn't mean to. Maybe I was allergic to them? I was starting to walk toward the trees, because I really wasn't capable to hold it in anymore. When I was far enough, so nobody would see me, I let it all out. Bile. Disgusting. I wanted to drink some water. I got even dizzier when I heard a voice behind me. A voice saying:

'That is just nasty! Come on, Edward. I don't know what's wrong with her. I hope she'll choke,' said a girl's voice.

'It is nasty,' I heard_ him _say, 'but you go along. I won't be long.'

I heard footsteps walk away. And nausea took control of my body one more time. This was _not _the time for vomiting! I don't know how long I stood there, with my eyes closed, hoping he would leave too. God, this is so embarrassing. Then I heard his voice, saying:

'Too bad.'

Why didn't he just leave? I really didn't need anyone right now. I just wanted to be left alone. Is that to much to ask? I clenched my fist in my t-shirt, shaking slightly. Damn it, I had to ask.

'Too bad what?'

I heard an evil smirk and then I heard him walk away. I turned around to watch him. Jerk. Can't even be accurate. At least he's leaving and that's all I wanted.

Suddenly he turned around, watched me right in the eye and said:

'Too bad you didn't choke.'

I kept watching him, eyes gone wide. He watched me with so much annoyance. What did I do wrong? I sucked in a breath with my mouth open and this time he turned away and kept on walking. I don't know how long I stood there, trying to breath. Why did this hurt me so? I don't care! Not about him! He really is a douche bag. I shut my eyes, until the water in them got back in my eyes. I wasn't going to cry. I leaned against a tree, just breathing. Pretending I was dead. I groaned out loud, but decided I couldn't stay here.

I walked back again to see Edward collecting some bugs and Jasper inspecting them. Emmett was back in the water again.

'Oh there she is,' Edward said. 'Where were you, Bella? We were all so worried.' I went to my bag and took my bottle of water. I drank until the foul taste was out of my mouth. 'Emmett, you shouldn't have all the fun, give the catching net to Bella. Hey, Bella.' I closed my bottle, and put it back in my bag. Asshole, he just wanted to get my jeans wet.

'Bella,' he called me again. I wasn't going to look at him. 'I'll help you.'

Emmett got out of the water and looked at me confused. 'You wanna do this? The water is pretty cold.'

Edward looked at me, challenging. I was so mad at this guy, so I took the challenge.

'Yes, sure,' I told him.

I took the catching net and started to walk to the water. I wasn't going to go far. Edward walked behind me. When I was far enough to see a few tadpoles, I put the net in the water and started to take some of the dirt on the bottom. Dizziness was coming again. I tried to remain still for a few seconds. Everything was spinning faster. I felt someone push my back and I walked a bit further to the water. Now my jeans were wet until my knee. Behind me I heard Edward say 'Woops' and kicked me in the back of my knee. It didn't really hurt, but I did fall in the water. Emmett was right, the water was cold. I heard someone call my name. I was about to call back.

But then I thought, just for a second, I thought 'What's the point?' and then I let go. I stopped fighting to get up. And then I fainted. But not before I felt the water fill my lungs.

_Few minutes later_

'Bella, breath!' someone said. 'Come on, yes just like that.'

I felt awful. My head was hurting. My throat was burning. I coughed a few times, getting the water out of my lungs. Then I made the mistake to open my eyes. People were staring at me. What was their problem? They were just getting their wish fulfilled. In front of me was Emmett. So he was the one to get me out of the water?

'Edward, you take Bella back to school, I think it will-' the teacher was saying.

'NO!' I screamed, interrupting him. I saw him looking surprised at me, but I just closed my eyes. When it was too quiet, I opened them again, only to see Emmett looking at me intently.

'I'll take her back, it's no problem,' Emmett said. Now I was really pissed, can't they just back off!

'NO NO,' I screamed again, hitting him with my fists on his chest. He also looked surprised but not like he was in any pain.

Suddenly I felt stupid. All these people watching me. Aah my head! I closed my eyes just once more.

'Look,' I started. I took a deep breath. 'I'm fine. I'll stay and leave with the rest of you when it's time.' I felt someone's hand go over my stomach. I felt my heart race. Why did he touch me? I couldn't even breath properly so I quickly added, 'Don't touch me, Emmett.' The hand disappeared fast and I was glad. Suddenly a thought flew in my mind. Oh no, no, no. My shirt is wet. I opened my eyes again and looked down. The fabric was sticking on my skin. I shivered. Everybody saw now. Everybody saw my body. I felt exposed. Why didn't I just take of my shirt and let them see everything under it, I asked myself angrily. Someone put a jacket over me and helped me get my arms through it. I opened my eyes again and Emmett was still watching me. He wasn't wearing his jacket anymore. Shit, so I'm wearing his.

I got up, walked to a fallen tree and sat on it. I saw that slutgirl whisper something in Edwards's ear and they both started laughing. Oh let me guess what she just said! 'She didn't choke in her vomit, but she did almost drown and that's even better!' Ha-ha.

I let my thoughts wander. Just collecting them a little and comprehend what just really happened. I got attacked by a rooster. I got lost. I found a weird man giving me direction. I attacked the door. And got seen by my whole class. I got insults from Edward. I got insults from slut. I vomited in front of both of them. And them I drowned. I wish I could have stopped here. But no, Emmett pulled me out of the water, and I got a few more insults. First the teacher thinking I would really go back to school with Edward. Then Emmett really thinking I would go back with him. And it was so awful that they all had to see my body. What would they think now? That I'm even more hideous?

After an hour it was lunch time. I took my apple and just stared at it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw two people sitting next to me. They didn't say anything, and when I looked up I saw it were Emmett and Jasper. When they saw me finally looking up, they asked how I was doing. Fine, I said. I always said I was fine. I always had to lie.

'What happened, Bella? Did Edward do anything? Because I'd be glad to punch him in the gut.'

'Nothing happened. I slipped and fell in the water.'

They were looking at me again. So I added, 'I've been feeling a little dizzy today, so I also fainted in the water.' It was also a bit embarrassing, but hey, I was already caught vomiting by 2 sluts.

'I'm glad I got there in time,' Emmett said. 'You were unconscious for 2 minutes. You should eat something, you're very skinny looking.'

Always skinny, they said. Never thin, or slim. They always said skinny. I wanted to scream 'No, I'm not'! But didn't. And I took a bite out of the apple. And another.

When they were finally looking away, I threw the now half eaten apple behind me.

Emmett got up and walked over to Edward.

'When are we going back?' I asked Jasper.

'Don't know. I hope it's fast, because there really isn't much to do anymore. And looks like it's going to rain. I love this place. It always rains here, but today it hardly has rained. Today's your first day, right?'

'Yes,'

'Tomorrow you'll probably meet Alice. She's my girlfriend. You'll really like her, I'm sure.' He kept on babbling about things. He raised his voice and I looked up again when he said:

'And the rain, it's not so bad. In fact, it's more of a drizzle than anything. And when it's done? Everything is so green and fresh and lovely, it's like the earth is starting anew again.'

'Why are you telling me this?'

'Well,' he said, getting up, 'it looks like you could use some rain.'

That is the most awful thing someone has ever told me! How dare he! Is that really his way of telling I'm looking horrible? I looked back up at him again.

He smiled at me. 'Bella. I'm just saying that you could always start anew again. But you need rain for that.' He walked back to Emmett and Edward.

* * *

Another chapter done. I quite like doing this. But writing takes so long! If there are any Grey's Anatomy fans here, I'm sorry! I've taken those 2 quotes quite literally in my story. I hope it didn't bother you to much. I just love Grey's Anatomy's, so this probably won't be the last time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **I also forgot to mention (always forgetting to mention!) in chapter 3, that I also stole the little line from Pride and Prejudice. It's the part where Mr. Darcy talks about Elizabeth, saying: 'She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to temp me.' So if anyone noticed, yes, that's where I got it from. I'm sorry :( Forgive me, for it's only my first fanfiction!

This chapter will be a lot about Bella's feeling. It will explain the way a anorexic thinks and all the confused feelings Bella has. So she did get out of the clinic, but still has that urge to lose weight.

I have to mention about the previous chapter, that it really wasn't that bad that Bella drowned. She didn't have much water in her lungs and was unconcious for 2 minutes, like Emmett said. So it wasn't as fierce as (maybe) some of you thought.

**Warning: **You are going to read many thoughts of an anorexic now. I thought you should know. You should stop reading if these things bother you. Bella is very insecure.

* * *

**About Bella's feelings**

I kept on sitting. I watched Edward, Jasper and Emmett for a second. They were laughing. Having fun. I pretended pointing at Jasper with my finger, saying liar, pointing at Emmett, saying liar, and at last at Edward, lord liar. And they were also _eating_. Couldn't they hurry? I had eaten that apple, a whole one usually has 60 calories. So I had eaten 30. I would have to find a way to not eat diner. I could just go to my room and when Charlie came and called me, I could pretend to sleep. Yes, I would do that. I really wanted to know what my weight was now. I could work a little with the rest again, burning some of those calories.

I know people say I have anorexia. They say I'm obsessed with thinking about food but eating it far to less. Everyday a shrink would talk to me in the clinic and make me tell about my feeling. First week I didn't say anything. First month I didn't say anything about my feeling. But then I did. I started telling about being lonely. That I wasn't good at anything. That I lost my friends. And also that I had lost the trust in people. It hurt me so much when I was being called names. Then the shrink told me that saying wasn't true. The ones about sticks and stones, and that words really did hurt.

I hate what I did next. I cried for hours. Telling her she was right. Words hurt. And losing all of my friends too.

People were getting up again. I guess lunch was over. So I also got up and followed Emmett and Jasper.

'Bella, you should stay there, resting. Really Bella, you're still a little pale.' Behind me I could have sworn Edward was holding in his laughter. He muttered something like 'always pale'. Emmett also added, 'You're lips are also a little white. That really can't be a good sign.'

This time Edward didn't bother holding in his laughter. Jasper was looking annoyingly at him. Oh come on Jasper, I thought, go on and laugh along with him. S'not like I cared.

I saw Edward holding the catching net and I grabbed it out of his hands. When I was in the water again, Edward said, but just for me to hear:

'Be careful not to fall in.'

I walked a little further. He was so awful. I wish I'd thrown that apple at his head. Now that would have been something. And it would have been good use of the apple.

'We wouldn't want you _drowning,_' he kept on talking.

Lying bastard. I pity his parents. I really do. Or maybe I shouldn't. Probably it was his parents' fault he was like that. _He _was the reason I got in the water. _He_ was the reason I almost drowned and died. And _he _was most definitely _not _the reason why I had gotten out of the water alive.

'Make sure you tell Emmett and Jasper I apologized.'

Huh?

'Why?' I asked.

'They said it was my fault, with you falling in the water and all. And then fainting.' I turned around to see he had a smile on his face. He was laughing at me! Why did Emmett and Jasper tell him I fainted? This is so awful. He knows now. I didn't think about them telling Edward I actually fainted. Now he could use that against me. And of course the vomiting he also saw.

I should have never told Emmett and Jasper I fainted. I slipped there. I didn't trust them, but told them anyway. That's something I was supposed to tell my friends, not people I just met. Actually not any people at all.

'Just tell them I apologized,' he said.

'But you didn't,'

He looked at me, as if saying 'so'? I turned around again to get some of this shit in the net. I was so cold. My clothes and most of my hair were still wet. Suddenly I had an idea. I pulled out the catching net and walked over to Edward. He only started to look alarmed when I was rather close. He narrowed his eyes at me and said:

'I really wouldn't do that if I were you.'

Of course I wouldn't. I was too chicken for that, I had to admit. I just wanted to see him scared. But he didn't look scared at all. He looked as if he was already making ideas how to embarrass me if I did throw the mud at him. I walked past him and saw Emmett talking to Jasper. He quickly stopped talking once he saw me coming. Hmm, that's suspicious. What ever. I didn't trust these guys either.

'I don't know why you're making Edward say sorry to me. I told you, he didn't do anything,' I told them.

'Bella, you can't fool us, he didn't even-' Jasper was saying, but I waved my hand at him, make him shut up.

I also turned off Emmett's jacket and handed it back to him. When he didn't take it, I put it on the ground and started looking for water bugs. Insects usually creep me out, but these bugs weren't that bad. Finally the teacher called:

'It's 2 o'clock and I'm calling it school day, unless you want to stay longer,'

'Yeah right,' I heard some people say.

I looked around to see everybody collecting their things and walking back to school. This time I was walking on the front of the row. If I had to choose, I'd rather be seen by the rest of the class than walk behind Edward.

I was thinking that all of this walking was enough exercise for today. And I really was tired. Maybe I wouldn't even have to lie to dad and really would fall asleep around diner time. Jasper was right too. It had begun to rain and all the girls were starting to scream. It was probably their hair they were worried about. I was already wet, so it really didn't matter. I remembered the paper the administration gave me and I went to the teacher to ask him if he would sign it.

'Bella, you should go to a doctor,' he said, while signing it, 'you weren't in that long, but what I just don't understand is that you didn't get out yourself. I saw Emmett running to you and pull you out. You really scared me there.'

'Oh well,' I started, 'I don't need a doctor and I'm just fine. I was just a little dizzy and got a little disorientated in the water, I suppose. It's really nothing to worry about.'

He handed me back the paper, and I saw we were back at school. I quickly went to my car, but I was stopped by slut. She had tall dark blond hair and was wearing a lot of make-up. Her hair was a little messy. Had she really just been kissing? Well, what would a guy and a girl do alone in the woods? I wanted to get back in the car and get warm. Why was she voluntarily standing in the rain with me?  
She was watching me and didn't even bother hiding it. Her eyes went from my shoes, to my jeans, my shirt, my face and wet hair.

'Bulimic or anorexic?' she asked.

Bitch!

'None,' I pushed her away angrily and got quickly in my car. What was it with these people?

'But I saw you puking, fatass' she screamed, probably making sure everybody heard. I groaned out loud and started the car and drove off. I was just in time to see her give Edward a high five through my rear view window. Then I saw her attacking him with her lips, but he pushed her away and also got in his car. Emmett and Jasper got in another car. I saw them both also driving to the left, in the same direction as I was driving. Edwards's car raced next to me and rode past me. Wow. Is that speed even legal? Emmett and Jasper kept riding behind of me, until I had to make another turn, and they kept on driving.

I made it back home and got out of the car. Then I heard a noise behind me. I looked what it was.

'It's you. I'm sorry, I had forgotten about you.' I said to the rooster. I looked at my hand again, remembering the wound. It was looking a bit worse now. Maybe I would need antibiotics. I had infections quit often.

'Just a sec, tiny, I'll feed you after I've cleaned this wound.'

Okay, so I was talking to a bird, but it wasn't as if any one would hear me. When I got in the kitchen, I took some iodine to clean it. It stung a little, but it was bearable. The wound looked bigger. I really hated doctor visits. They always asked me how I felt, what my eating patron looked like and started getting all caring and all. That is, until it got 5 o'clock and they didn't get paid for it anymore. It was just their job. Really, the way I think about it, doctors are just actors. But there _were_ my access to antibiotics. And I needed them quite often too. The last time I had a wound, it got so infected, that I was just in time for the antibiotic. The doctors said that if I came one day later, I would have had blood poisoning. They gave me all the details of how bad that would have been and all the symptoms blood poisoning has. I suppose I'm glad I was in time last time. Blood poisoning really wasn't on my list of wantings.

I was really dreading school tomorrow. It would only be the second day. I wasn't going to think about that now. I needed some distraction to clear my mind.

After I drank some water, I went back to the rooster to feed him. It was still raining, but now it was raining even harder. I went back to the house and decided to first have a shower and then get on the computer.

I took some clean clothes and went to the shower. I smiled once the water hit my face. This was quite relaxing. I was finally feeling a bit warm again. I washed my hair with my favourite shampoo, strawberry, and took some soap. I could have fallen asleep right here. Once I was done, I dried myself and pulled on my clean clothes. Everything was smelling fresh and clean again. I loved showers.

I walked over to my window to open it and turned on my computer. I remembered that man that pointed the directions, but I had forgotten his name. I wanted to ask dad if he knew him. That man obviously knew me. And what was that about the 'black tree'. Well, maybe I should use his warning and not go there.

The computer was finally on and I started to go to the chat box. 2 of my friends were online. I told them everything that happened today.

Thin0: hold on  
Sunny: You're strong!  
Thino: we believe in you  
Izzie: I don't believe I am  
Thin0: yes you are! you got out of the clinic. you can make it  
Izzie: really think so?  
Thin0: know so :)  
Sunny: mom's getting suspicious.. don't know what to do. Forces me to weigh myself every week and while she watches. say's i'm too skinny!  
Izzie: sucks. hope she won't get worse  
Thin0: ooh that's bad. you okay a little?  
Sunny: Yeah, s'just hard. mom actually threatened to get me in one of those clinics if I don't gain 10 pounds!  
Izzie: Really? Those clinics really suck, they force you into talking, eating, and anything really  
Sunny: Gotta go, mums coming xx  
Izzie: Bye  
Thin0: talk to ya later  
Izzie: they're mean :(  
Thin0: they don't matter, don't let them get to you, kay? be strong, I have faith in you  
Izzie: thQ. you really kind to me :) world hasn't gone completely against me  
Thin0: course, care for you. i'm going to sleep, tired!  
Izzie: me too. night  
Thin0: x-isses

I smiled. I love these guys. I called myself Izzie on these chat boxes. Bella or even Isabella would be maybe dangerous. Someone could recognize my name and know it was me. I shut down the computer again. These guys were like me. They knew how I felt. And they always were able to make me feel better again. Sometimes they felt bad and then I had to help them get up again.

I went to bed and fell asleep immediately. I remember someone calling me. A door getting opened. Kiss on the front head. Some other noises. It could have all been a dream. When I woke up, I heard a terrible noise. It was an alarm clock. I shut it off and felt terrible. My throat was soar again. I looked at the desk next to my bed. There was a glass of water on it and a piece of paper. I took the water and drank it all. Then I took the letter and read:

**Bella  
you slept early yesterday and I didn't want to wake you for diner.  
Make sure to eat some breakfast, Bells.  
I have to go to work early.  
You didn't put on your alarm.  
I didn't know you trusted the bird that much :) I put your alarm anyway on 7, just in case.  
I'll be home at 5, make whatever you like for diner.  
Dad**

Now when he did mention it, I didn't hear the bird. I'd have to thank Charlie for that. I put on jeans and a black hoodie. At least I wouldn't get cold. I took my time to put on mascara, kohl and foundation. After also my lips were shining, I smiled at myself broadly in the mirror. Ugh, who was I kidding? But then again, my friends told me to wear make-up. And my mum had bought it for me, so why shouldn't I put it on?

I looked at my shoes. Mum had also bought me high heels. She said it would make me look more like a lady. No, I'd keep these on. Besides, a hoodie and high heels weren't really a match.

I went downstairs and opened and closed the refrigerator almost 3 times. I turned around and saw the bar of chocolate on the kitchen table. I took it and watched it. I wasn't hungry. But I didn't want dad to get suspicious. I did after all ask for the chocolate. And why did he buy my favourite? I didn't even know he knew my favourite. I opened it and broke a piece of it. I don't know how long I stared at it, but eventually I took a bite. Before I knew it, I had eaten the whole piece. I watched the paper and my eyes got big when I saw the amount of calories. I took a vitamin pill and was just about to go to the toilet, when suddenly I heard the rooster making horrible noises. Was he dying? I walked outside to see him staring at me.

'What?' I asked. When he just stood there, suddenly he started walking over me.

'Shew, go away. Shew, I said! You've attacked me already.' He was walking to me and I got curious. He did know me better now, knowing I didn't hurting him. He'd seen me feed him and water him. Giving him his basic needs. I extended my hand. He didn't walk away and I was just about to touch him, until he attacked me. Again!

'Damn it.' I looked at my hand. Same place, only the wound was bigger now. Asinus ad lapidem non bis offendit eundem, I thought to myself. I walked back to the house, angrily and took some iodine to clean it again. This time I winced when it stung. I could have just thrown salt over the wound, that much it stung. It was eight o'clock now, so I took my back and filled it with the right books. I took some pens and a bottle of water. Did I forget anything? I don't think so. Then I ran to my car to get to school. This time I would be on time.

I was already halfway when I remembered that bird had distracted me and that I had actually eaten chocolate! The bird must have a sixth sense or something. No, that's ridiculous. He just likes torturing me.

I saw that man again that helped me yesterday. I waved at him and rolled down my window.

'Hi. Thanks for yesterday,' I said, 'I wasn't punished. How did you know my name, I hadn't given it to you.'

'My pleasure. You didn't think that the towns Chief hasn't been so happy since he heard you were going to live with him, that he practically screamed his daughter Isabella was going to come and live with him. And I'm the towns' doctor and I haven't ever seen you. I was quiet sure you were Isabella.'

'You're a doctor? Oh, I hope it's not much trouble, but I've got a wound. And let's say it just opened again and I was a little worried about it.'

He quirked an eyebrow. 'What do you mean?'

'There's a really funny story behind it,' I told him the same thing Charlie had told me. I decided to say it as quickly as I can. 'Charlie saved a rooster and he's very aggressive. I tried to pet him yesterday and he attacked me in my hand. This morning he attacked me some more. I thought he wouldn't attack me again a second time.'

'Let me look at your hand,' he said, getting all doctor mode on me. That was weird. I wouldn't have thought he would want to examine it now because he wasn't getting paid for it now. I opened my right hand anyway and showed him. He touched it briefly and asked:

'Do you know where the hospital is?'

I shook my head.

'I want to give you some antibiotics. It doesn't need any stitches, but it's on a place that could easily get infected. I tell you what. I'll call my son and tell him to show you the way to the hospital.'

'No,' I said, 'really, that's not necessary.'

'It's no trouble at all.' He took his phone and called someone. After nobody answered, he shut the phone and said, 'I'll text him. You might have already met him. His name is Edward.'

Another one! It has to be another one. Please. Please let it not be the Edward I met yesterday.

'He is 17. I think you two are in the same class. Tall, reddish-bronze hair,' he was saying.

'Eh, he's probably that guy I met yesterday in Biology class.' _This _man was that scumbag's father? 'I got to go now. Bye.'

'See you after school.'

I flinched a little, but drove on. There was no way Edward was going to show me directions. I'd just ask directions to somebody else. When I made the turn right and saw a spot for my car, I parked it there and took a few calming breaths. When I opened the door, I saw Edward leaning against his silver car, watching incredulously at his phone. Damn it, the doctor probably sent him a text. I put my foot on the road, but then I tripped over something and fell on right my face. I quickly got up and grabbed my bag out of my car. When I looked up again, I saw Edward watching me. His expression was blank, but I was sure he wasn't happy. I was about to walk over to him, telling him not to bother bring me to the hospital, when suddenly he started walking to _me_.

I swallowed. Was he really that coming to me?

When he made it to me he said, 'I know you've fallen for me, but there's no need to also fall _literally_ for me.'

'Funny,' I said. 'I just tripped that's all.'

'I'm not going to drive with you to the hospital.'

'Wasn't asking you,' I told him, closing my car door and locking it. 'Just give me directions and I'll tell your dad you drove me.'

He was about to say something, when he closed his mouth. Was talking to me even that bad? Then he started talking again.

'Yeah sure, it's really close, only a 5 minutes drive. You go to the right here,' he was pointing at the big tree, 'and keep on driving until you see a big tree.' He smiled. 'You can't miss it.'

I was watching him. That sounded very familiar.

_'Well I should warn you not to go 'behind' the tree. That's a 5 minute drive from that tree until another tree. It's called the 'black tree'. Teenagers usually go there to seek trouble. __And I'm sure you're not looking for any.'_

Thank you, doctor! I was contemplating whether I should punch him or pretend I was glad. Easy decision.

'Thank you, sounds easy enough,' I fake smiled and just to empathize I believed him, gave him a pat on his shoulder. Then I walked past him to ask someone the real directions to the hospital.

* * *

My chapters are getting taller, but I suppose nobody's going to complain about that. I've already planned on what will be on the next chapters, so I'm doing my best making it a good as I can.

I made a mistake! Stupid! Because it's now June (also in the story). Then the 2 months of summer holidays come. But it would be boring to just skip those 2 moths, so something is going to happen, on which Bella will be still seeing her classmates. It will be something like a forced summer holiday she will have to join, because Charlie already told the school she will be competing. So it's not the usual thing. But hey, this whole story is not the usual thing :P


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyers characters, not mine.

**A/N:** Many thank you's for all sweet people. It makes my day. After working in a chaotic supermarket, I got on the computer at nine to see all the sweet things you said and more addings (alert/favourite story)! Read and find out how Bella gets possessed by a demon. No :P don't take it quite as literally as that.

* * *

**Possessed by a demon**

Tuesday 08-06-2010

It looked like I would have Math first. I would like to know who does that. Beginning your day with mathematics is so silly. Not is it only tiresome, but also incredibly boring. Plus I've never been good at it. Must've been a man making the schedule.

I was looking around. There were many students now, but no teachers. I'd best get back to the administration to ask her where I should be. Maybe I could also ask her about where the hospital is. I was about to turn around, when I bumped on something and fell on the floor.

'She does is again,' I heard Edward saying from a distance. I turned around to see a different girl standing close to him. This one almost looked like a model and had strawberry blond hair. The girl was looking confused and I saw Edward explaining to her what just happened in the parking lot. What was it with this guy?

When I looked up, I saw a small girl with short, black hair saying sorry over and over again.

'I didn't see you coming, and suddenly I did, but course it was to late, and you fell, and everything went in slow motion,' she kept on talking and I was watching her with raised eyebrows. She was talking so fast and she wasn't even breathing. When she stopped talking, she took a few breaths. I decided to make use out of her silence and say:

'No worries. I didn't see you either.' I was starting to get up, and continued, 'I got to go.'

'You're walking to wrong way, classes are over there,' and she was pointing in the opposite direction.

'I know, but I need to know exactly where maths class is and the hospital.'

'Oh,' she started laughing, 'that's a weird combination. Maths class is the class next to mine, I'll show you,' she said.

I wasn't in the mood to say thanks. I had fallen two times already in such a short amount of time and it's not like I was asking the girl to point me directions.

'If you need to get to the hospital, I can show you that too,' she said, smiling.

'No, I just want directions,' I told her.

'Oh well,' she said a little sad. What had gotten into her? 'I'll write them down and give them to you after class. So wait for me after class!' she said, suddenly in a good mood again.

'Sure,'

'Alright, so I have to go in this class, but math is just over there,'

I was already walking to the room and found a place in the middle of the classroom. I was about to take out my books, when someone asked:

'You're Isabella?'

I looked up to see the guy that had winked at me yesterday. At least, I thought it was him.

'It's just Bella,'

'Bella,' he said. 'I'm Mike. We didn't have a chance to introduce yesterday. Is this seat taken?'

Sigh. 'No, it's not,' I told him.

'Good,' he smiled, sitting next to me. 'So, you started school at the end of the year. That's not very practical. Any plans for the summer?'

'No,'

'That's good!' he said. I was trying to shake my head a little, blocking his voice. But it didn't do any good, his voice was so loud. When would that teacher come? 'You know, school has arranged a holiday for all of the pupils that want to go. It's going to be fun! It's still not decided whether we're going to New York or Los Angeles. But still, it's not too late for you to enter.'

When I didn't say anything, he didn't get the hint to shut up. 'We're going to stay there from July until half of August. So around 6 weeks. So you still have 2 weeks to be at home after the holiday.'

'I'll think about it,' I said. Then the teacher came in and started telling us all about math. This really sucked, because what he was saying was even harder than what my teacher in Phoenix had been teaching us. After thirty minutes, he gave us some time to start on homework. I was just staring in the books, not understanding it.

Mika handed me a paper. It was some sort of a plan with 6 steps and it said how to best solve the problems. I looked up at him and he was working on his homework.

'What's this for?'

'Looked like you needed it,' he replied. 'My dad made it. I wasn't good at these problems and he tried to help me. It didn't really work, so he wrote that and now I am pretty good at these sums. Keep it, I don't need it anymore.'

I was looking back at the plan again. It did make sense. I tried to make one of the sums and when I was finished I wanted to check for the answer. But before I was able to grab the book with all the answers, Mike already took my bloc note and was writing something on it. When he handed it back I saw I had made a mistake and he had changed. This small mistake also caused another answer. I took the book with the answers and saw that it was correct.

'Keep practising, you're doing a great job,' he said, winking. That wink. Yes, now I was sure he was the guy that had winked at me. But why was he helping me? I made two more sums. And both of them had the wrong answer. I was probably looking defeated, because Mike took the bloc note again and made some changes.

'Here you go,' he said. I closed the bloc note, not caring what I did wrong. I put everything back in my bag and walked over to the teacher. I asked him if he could sign the paper the administration had given me. When I heard the bell rang, I went to my seat to take my bag and was about to go outside of class to wait for the girl, when Mike asked:

'What class do you have now?'

'I don't know,'

He started laughing. 'When will you know?'

'I don't know,' I mumbled and I quickly opened the door, being the first to leave the classroom. Alice wasn't there yet, but I saw those 2 girls, slut and strawberry blonde walk through the hall. When they noticed me standing there, they were about to walk over me when I heard someone call 'Bella!'

It was that girl with the directions. She was walking toward me and out of the corner of my eye I saw the 2 girls walk on. When she reached me, she was about to give me the directions and say something, but I was faster.

'How did you know my name?'

She started biting her lip, looking actually worried. But then she said with a slightly forced smile, 'Jasper told me. You met him, yesterday. I'm Alice'

What else did he say, I wanted to ask, but then again, I didn't. What I already heard yesterday from Edward was enough. I didn't need anymore of that.

'So, you've got the directions for me?'

'Yes, oh yes! Drawing class was so boring, so I decided to draw the directions. Here, see?' She was showing me her masterpiece, expecting me to say something. I quickly watched if she also was leading me to that freaks place, but according to her, I did have to take the turn to right, like Edward had said, but after 2 minutes take the turn left and then some more turns. She had actually added how many minutes it would take until the next turn. I was wondering if that really was the direction to the hospital. She had actually made a beautiful work out of it. It looked like a picture. And she had only used a pencil.

'It's very pretty. You like drawing?'

'Thank you. Yes, I do like it. Maybe I'll even make my job out of it.'

'How long is the drive to the hospital?' I asked nonchalantly. I was wondering if she was sending me over to that tree via a detour.

'I think you could make it in about 10 minutes,' she said.

I didn't know whether to believe her or not. She pushed the directions into my hand and asked me what my next class would be. I took my bag and saw I had English.

'I have English,' I told her.

'Really? Me too. We'll have a lovely time,' she said.

We were walking to another classroom now. I hadn't forgotten what Edward had told me yesterday.

_'Well hello Bella,' Edward said very nicely, extending his hand 'but of course you can join our group. We'll have a lovely time. I'm sure of that,'_

Some lovely time we had, I thought sombre.

'Jasper is my boyfriend, he's great,' she started talking again, 'we live with Carlisle and Esme, they adopted us when we were little. Edward and Emmett are my brothers. Emmett said you had a rough time yesterday. Are you feeling better?' I nodded. 'Emmett is really caring. Edward can be difficult sometimes.' I was watching her face. She looked like she was trying to convince herself on that one. 'But I've seen some good sides of him. He just changed and has many fights with dad these days. I don't know what they are fighting about, but it can be so annoying sometimes.'

So they were all one big but not so happy family. Now I really had my doubts about those directions she gave me. What was I supposed to do now? The administration! They should give me the right directions. Yes, they would.

We made it to English and Alice came to sit next to me on the front row. These people were messing with my head. Talking to me, sitting next to me, helping me with math. Why, I kept wondering. I saw Jasper and Emmett get in the classroom too. Emmett gave me smile and Jasper took a seat and put it next to Alice's one.

'Jasper, what are you doing?' she asked. 'We're not allowed to sit with three people at one table.' Jasper was just smiling. When the teacher came in, he didn't see us sitting together, until he sat down behind his desk.

'I see we have a new face, but I do not allow more than 2 people per table. I expect-,' he was saying, when the door flew open and Edward walked in, followed by those girls.

'Edward, Jessica and Tanya. I'm glad you could make it to class,' the teacher was saying sarcastically. Hah! It looked like I wasn't the only one hating those guys. I took my bag to go and sit somewhere else.

'No, Bella,' Alice wanted to say, but I walked on, sitting two tables behind them. Finally, some peace.

I noticed Edward was about to sit on the table behind me and so did the girls.

'What is the problem with this class? No more than three people per table! Edward, sit next to Isobel.

'My name is not-,' I was saying the same time as Edward was saying 'I'd rather-,' until the teacher interrupted us both saying. 'Detention, both! Big mouth in my class. Always interrupting me. That youth of these days,' he was starting to mumble.

The guy was very old. His head had gone completely red. I wanted to say he was making a fool of himself, but thought the better of it.

'It's her fault,' I heard the girls whisper. 'We'll get back to her. You'll see.'

Were their heads filled with sawdust? Like they didn't know that I could actually hear them? Class started and I was wondering what detention would be like. Maybe if I was fast, I could get out of the class before he had time to stop me.

'She looks like a boy in those clothes,' the girls giggled. 'She's probably never kissed a guy.'

I started breathing heavier. Okay, concentrate on what the teacher is saying, Bella. I closed my eyes briefly and the teacher scared the hell out of my by placing both of his hands hard on the table, making a loud sound, that made me jump up.

'And some of us prefer sleeping through class,' he was saying. 'Isobel, if you don't find my classes interesting, just go.' Who did this man think he was? However, he did give me a perfect opportunity to leave the table behind me and detention! So I took my bag and walked over to the door. I didn't turn my head to see Alice, Jasper or Emmett.

'Where do you think you're going?'

'I don't find your class interesting, so I'm just going.' The words had slipped before I could have stopped them. I took the last few steps and got out of that room. Shit. What had I done? That is not me. Some demon must have possessed my body over there. And where was I going to go now? I needed some fresh air so I walked outside and was feeling depressed about what I had said. And done. I didn't want the teachers hating me, but he already hated me. I was only trying to tell him he had gotten my name wrong and that I wasn't sleeping!

It wasn't even 2 minutes since I had left the classroom when I heard cheering behind me. The door opened and my whole class was running like crazy outside.

Jasper was walking towards me. I dropped my eyes, feeling embarrassed.

'That was something,' he said. 'The moment you left, everybody took advantage of the situation, saying that they found his class boring too and also _just _wanted to go. So, practically everybody left the classroom.'

'Go away,' I told him, and walked away. It was still 15 minutes until next class. I got to the building, now was the best time as any to ask where that damn hospital was. When I opened the door, I saw Edward, one arm over strawberry blond and one arm over slut.

'Oh look, it's the anorexic bulimia.' Both girls started laughing as if Edward had said the funniest thing in the world.

What did it matter? I had already gone wild to a teacher. I had walked out of that door. And then the class had followed me. And this gave me courage to imitate his voice and say, 'Oh look, its whore, gigolo and whore.'

Strawberry looked surprised first, but then changed her expression to mad. Slut looked confused and I won't tell you what Edward looked like.

'You bitch, take it back,' strawberry blonde said, but I was walking to the administration already.

'What's a gigolo?' I heard slut ask.

When I got to the administration, nobody was there. Suddenly not going to the hospital sounded just great. I found a chair to sit on and put my head between my legs. I don't know how long I stayed there like that, but it wasn't until I heard quick footsteps approaching me and stopping quite closely beside me, when I got really scared. I should have held my tong. Now he had come to torture me some more.

Someone was clearing his throat. It didn't sound like Edward.

'Isobel, that stunt wasn't funny. However, since you are new, I will be able to see it through my fingers. As for detention, I expect you to write 200 times: I will never ever disagree with a teacher again. Is that understood?'

Boy was I relieved. It was just the English teacher, not Edward.

'I asked you, is that understood?'

'Yeah, yeah,' I mumbled.

'You too, Edward.' My head snapped up. He was standing next to the teacher, looking pissed. About the punishment or name calling, I wondered. 'I want it on Friday.'

'Whatever,' was Edward's response.

'Rude, miserable teenagers,' he said, just as the bell rang, so I wasn't sure I heard him right. I got up and quickly went over to class. It wasn't hard to find it on my own this time. Time went fast, and before I knew it, it was lunch time.

I found a table and sat there. I saw another girl sitting by herself. A few girls I didn't know were laughing at her. She was fat. Not chubby, but fat. She wore glasses and she too wasn't eating anything, just like me. She looked up and caught me staring at her. I dropped my eyes again. Best to mind my own business. I looked up again. But those eyes. So defeated. Worn from everything.

Rest of lunch I was ignoring the Cullens that were sitting in the corner on a big table. I took a paper and started writing. I will never ever disagree with a teacher again. I had 30 sentences when I had enough of it. And it was time anyway. Still 2 classes to go. German and chemistry.

German went fast. I sat alone, which was what I preferred. Mike sat next to me again when we had chemistry, but didn't say much this time. When it was finally three o'clock I decided the way my hand looked like would tell me if I should go to the hospital with the drawn directions of Alice. I opened my hand and the wound didn't look any better, neither did it look any worse. It didn't smell bad, so no infection. The experience of my last infection came in my mind. I would just drive those directions and in the worst case, I can always drive back. I didn't want blood poisoning.

So I got in my car and took the turn right. Quickly that turn to the left came and I was feeling a little safe again. At least I was off that road that would lead you to the black tree. Finding the way wasn't hard and Alice had been very accurate. And sure enough, the huge building in front of me was the hospital. After parking my car I went inside. I wanted to avoid Dr. Cullen. If he thought I needed antibiotics, then surely any other doctor would say the same. '

'Hello Isabella, how are you? And where is Edward?' a voice behind me asked. I jumped a little, scared by his sudden voice behind me.

'Hi, he didn't come inside, said it wasn't necessary,' I lied to him.

'I told him to come inside, didn't he mention it?'

I shook my head. 'He said nothing to me.'

'Well, let's go to my office and I'll give you the medicine. Isabella?' I looked up at him. 'Have you been feeling alright, lately?' And that's that doctor talk that always came when I visited a doctor.

'Yes, just fine,'

'No dizziness or faintings?'

Damn it, Emmett. 'Yes and yes,' I replied both of his questions.

'When was the last time you had a check up?'

'What kind?'

'Just the usual, but also when was your blood tested?'

'Just one week ago. The blood testing was one month ago.'

'What were the results?'

'I don't know,' I said. Actually I had forgotten about it. The previous doctor had given me such a tall story about my health and it was so boring that I had just stopped listening.

'That's easily fixed,' he said. We were in the elevator now and going to the 3rd floor. When we reached there, he brought me somewhere where it was very busy. He went to one of the rooms and returned quickly, calling me in the room. When I got there, I recognized it all. The chair, the place to put your arm, the elastic thing that they always put too tightly on your arm so they could find a good vein. The needle.

'You don't have to take any blood samples, I'm fine,'

I hated those needles. The doctors always missed the vein and I was practically a pincushion. When they did found a vein, it was just a small one with not enough blood. So they had to take some blood of my other arm.

He was starting to get ready, and I got mad at him for ignoring me.

'You better go take 5 more needles, one is never enough.' Ones, the nurses thought I couldn't hear them, but I could. And they said it was my fault for having not enough blood in my body for not eating right. That's not even possible. Right?

'I'm the best doctor, Isabella. I do not need 5 needles. Now come and sit here and just close your eyes.'

Maybe if I just gave him what he wanted, he would stop bothering me. So I just corrected him by saying 'Bella,' and walking to the chair and sitting. My eyes, however, remained open.

He took my arm and I could smell the disinfectant. Then a little bit of pain and I felt the needle open the vein. I looked away, not wanting to see how slow it would take for the tubes to fill. He had actually eight samples! Did he want them all form me? I think that's the maximum of allowed blood draining. Or whatever you call it. This was going to be a nightmare. Why did I even let him?

'All done,' he said, pulling out the needle.

'With the first sample?' I asked, watching him throw the needle away. He went to the desk and took 8 tubes filled with blood. 'Is that all mine?' I asked, shocked.

'No, it's mine,' he said jokingly. 'I'm going to test these and tomorrow I'll have the results. Call me on this number will you?' He gave me a number which I was already dreading to call. Wait, tomorrow?

'You've got humour, doctor. Tomorrow, yeah right. Come on. It always takes at least one week. I once waited for 3 weeks for the results. Really, when have you got the results?'

'Call me tomorrow, Bella,' he smiled and repeating himself. 'You're the Chiefs daughter. And in case you didn't know, Edward likes to race his car. If he had gotten a ticket every time he drives those speeds, I would have been a poor man now.'

So it was out of guilt. Figures. Still, testing eight samples in just one day.

'These are your antibiotics. Take one pill twice a day for the next 7 days. Make sure you take them all. They interact with birth control pills, did you know that? I don't know if you take them?'

I scowled at him. 'Like who would want to have sex with me?' And I opened the door to leave a stunned doctor behind me. I don't know what it was with me today, but my mouth kept embarrassing and surprising me by saying stuff like that. Did I just really say that out loud to Edwards's father? Shit! He'd say that to Edward and then Edward would use it against me! How could I have been so careless?

It was 4 o'clock now and dad would be home at 5. I should be getting home making something to eat. It was a quick drive home and I was trying to forget what I had just said. I was yet again surprised by the rooster.

I picked the antibiotics and showed it to him. 'You're the reason I got this, you know. They'll make sure I don't get a nasty infection and die.' He started walking away from me, so I just said, 'Your fault. Go and feel guilty.'

What would I make for dinner? Charlie liked fish. I could put it in the oven, that way I would still have some time to get on the computer. I was finished around four thirty and went upstairs to turn on the computer.

None of them were online. That's weird. Usually at least 1 of them would be online. I did have a message on my mailbox.

Izzie,

I won't be speaking to you in a while :'(  
Mom saw my weight yesterday and nearly hit me out of anger. Then she started crying, saying over and over again, 'Why my daughter. My daughter has anorexia.'  
She called me stupid. Then she called herself stupid for not noticing I was sick. When dad came home, he was stupid.  
It sucks...  
Izzie, you've been to those clinics and now it will be my turn. I don't want that.  
I'll miss you and think about you.  
Don't mail me back, because I won't be able to read it and reply.

Bye  
Sunny

Sunny. Not Sunny. Why did they do that?

'I'm home, Bella!'

I groaned out loud. It was exactly 5 o'clock. The fish was ready. And I wouldn't be able to speak for Sunny for I don't know how long.

'I'm starving, Bella, hurry up,' he called again. I shut down the computer and went downstairs. He had already put plates on the table and was filling to cups with water. I opened the oven to get the fish out.

'Did you have a good day?'

'This morning that rooster attacked me,' and I showed him my hand. 'Then I went to the hospital for some antibiotics. The doctor insisted on taking my blood samples.'

'That's good, Bella, really good,'

'Sure dad, whatever you say. You know that rooster didn't really wake me up this morning. I did need the alarm clock that you had put on. Thanks for that.'

'Sometimes the rooster doesn't work,' he said, grinning like a small boy.

I remembered the doctor saying about him being poor if it weren't for Charlie. 'I was wondering. How fast does Edward drive?'

'Edward Cullen? That boy! Well, I can tell you, much too fast and I don't want you hanging around with him. He doesn't even slow down when seeing my cruiser and once he just waved! I've given him tickets, but after a while stopped doing it. It didn't influence his driving at all. It might be that he's actually increased his speed.'

'Oh,' was all I said.

Charlie started eating the fish and so was I. I wasn't thinking anymore, just eating.

'That was really good, Bella. You know I like fish. Don't mind about the dishes.'

I took his plate. 'No trouble at all.' I started washing the plates and dad just sat there. Did I eat too much? Dishes were done now and dad was still sitting there. 'What's the matter?'

'I was just wondering how you like it here. Did you make any friends?'

I hated being in positions where I had to lie because telling the truth wasn't an option. 'I like it here, dad.' Then I remembered Mike helping me with math homework. 'This boy helped me with math. But still it's hard.'

'A boy?' he asked a bit cautious.

'Just a boy, dad. Not even my type.' I didn't even have a type.

'What's his name? Maybe I'll recognize him and tell you if I've ever gave him a ticket.'

'I think it was Mike.'

'Mike Newton?' He raised his eyebrows. 'Didn't even know the boy was good at math. But he'll do.'

'Do what?'

'Nothing, nothing,' and he quickly changed the subject. 'So, there's a summers holiday with school, and that sounds-,' he was saying, but I interrupted.

'Yeah, Mike told me about that. He's going. As if I would compete. No dad, I'm staying home.'

He didn't say anything for a while, but the next thing he said I wish I might have heard wrong.

'You have to go Bella.'

'What? But why? What does it matter?' I really wasn't in the mood for this conversation anymore.

'Well, first because I think it will do you good,' he was beginning. 'Second, I already paid for it.'

'You go yourself, I never asked you to pay for something like that.'

'And third, your mother made me pay it so you have to go.'

And that really shut me up. I thought with Charlie I could convince him that I wouldn't go, no matter what. But mum. No, I knew she would drag me herself if I objected. I knew why she did this. So I would be more around real people. She once said so herself. I could hear her voice in my head right now telling me she didn't want me to lock myself in my room all day long for 2 months and do nothing.

So I just went upstairs, too tired to change my clothes or take a shower and fell on my bed. I kicked out my shoes and reached over the table to put on the alarm clock. Every lying position I tried was uncomfortable and it took me 2 hours until I finally fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm waiting for my exam results (17 June) and writing is great distraction.  
However, it might take a day or 2 until the next chapter.  
And if I have made any mistakes in either spelling or something else, just mention it, because I'd rather want to change it then let it like that.

All I can say is, keep an eye on your mail. :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

* * *

**Do I have to say 'please'?**

I woke up at 7, but wasn't really there. Yesterday was a day I wish I could erase or at least forget. Summer holiday is going to be nightmare just waiting to happen. I was thinking about the 3 meals and all those people that would be there eating. I had no idea how I would be able to get out of those meals. Making excuses for 6 weeks three times a day wasn't very convincing.

I kept walking through my room, feeling like a zombie. Charlie had gone to work early, just like yesterday. I took a shower, put on some clothes and walked downstairs with my bag in my hand. I didn't bother taking a bottle of water, fruit or a vitamin pill. I also didn't care about the antibiotics. I hadn't even taken one yesterday. I just took my keys and drove off to school. Maybe I could dye my hair blonde, so nobody would recognize me. Yeah, that definitely was a great idea.

School went fast, mostly because I was just not thinking about anything or hearing anyone. I only remember a few name callings, someone touching my shoulder and two hand pushing my back, causing me to fall right on my face. I didn't know who all these people were. It could have been the one of the Cullens, Mike, a teacher or even a stranger.

Like a said, I felt like a zombie. My head was feeling cloudy and I couldn't even think clearly. I just wanted to go bed and sleep. I was feeling completely worn.

School was over now. When did that even happen? I was walking to my car, when I saw a figure standing there. I just hung my head and went to the door.

'Bella,' I heard. I don't even know whether it was a girls or a boys voice. All I knew it was someone who wouldn't leave me alone.

'Bella, I've been trying to talk to you, but you kept walking away. Is there anything I did? Did the directions I gave you yesterday help?'

I looked up to see Alice. Just another Cullen bothering me.

'What do you want?'

'Nothing! I'm just a little worried. I was actually thinking there must be a reason you went to the hospital yesterday. That thought didn't occur to me yesterday. That's so stupid of me, because my dad is a doctor, so I could have asked him to treat you, that is, if you needed treatment. Uhm...' she looked as if she was lost for words. 'You seemed very off today. Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?'

'Yes there is. Just stay away from me,' I said out of frustration. I didn't bother to watch her reaction and got in my car. I was so tired of this all. Before I knew it, I was home. It was like my body was working on its one.

I went in the house, got upstairs and already shut my eyes before I hit the bed. I remember waking up, but I was a little bit in a doze. I took off my shoes and jeans, so I slept more comfortable. I slept fine. When I woke up, it was six thirty. Some of that awful tiredness was away now. I saw another message from dad on my nightstand.

Bells  
You slept early again, but you looked really tires, so I didn't wake you.  
Hope you slept well.  
We need to talk tonight, about the summer holiday.  
Try not to fall asleep again.  
Dad

I wasn't in the mood for that talk. I already knew I had to go. I took a piece of paper and wrote a to do's list.

**To do**  
Every day vitimin pills  
Medicine (7 days, antibiotics)  
Detention-work, 200 scentenses  
Call doctor

That was about it for now. I'd start on the detention first. I added another 70 sentences and was halfway through it now. These sentences really made no sense. I had enough of them and put them on my nightstand. I still had one day until it was Friday. I changed my clothes and went downstairs. I took the vitamin pill and my first antibiotic.

It was still early, but the doctor had to be at the hospital now. I could try to call him. So I dialled the number he had given me. After a few ring someone answered.

'Edward,' I heard. 'Hello, who is this?'

I hung up. He had given his home number. What had he been thinking? I dialled it again, wishing for luck.

'Hello,' I heard him again. 'Hello?' He asked a little louder. 'Look, what is your problem?' He was angry now.

'You!' I yelled and hung up. Why did he even have to take the phone? And why hadn't he gone to school yet? I hope he didn't recognize my voice. It was just that every time he was around, he just made me so mad. I wasn't a violent person at all, but if he didn't back off, I would be and also very soon. I suppose one benefit was that I wouldn't see any of the Cullens on that summer holiday. Or were they going too? That really would be some disaster.

It was 8 o'clock now, I'd better be getting to school. When I arrived, I saw the Cullens immediately. Ugh. Some more bad like hit me, because the only free spot was 2 cars behind them. So they were bound to see me. I drove to the spot, whishing I were invisible.

My window was open and I heard Edwards angry voice.

'Now he is going to come to school. He said it's my fault. He said _I_ hung up one _her. _It was totally the different way around.' He was talking to the other Cullens. Shit! How did he found out it was me on the phone? And how did Dr Cullen find out?

'Bella!' Someone called me. It was Mike and I cursed at myself. I tried as quickly as I could to park my car and get out, but Mike was already standing in front of me. He was starting to rattle some rubbish but stopped once he noticed a black Mercedes coming our way and slowing down once it got near us. 'Look at that car!' It's just a car, I thought to myself. The car door opened and Carlisle got out. I remembered what I had told him the last time I had seen him and felt foolish.

'What are you doing here?' I asked bluntly.

'Bella,' he smiled. 'You didn't call me yesterday and today the misfortune came that Edward answered the phone. I'm sorry he hung up on you.'

'He didn-' I was starting.

'And I'm so sorry that he didn't bring you to the hospital.'

'What? Oh. Yes. I mean no! Uhm, look, he did take me,' I said, knowing myself that I sounded very unconvincing.

'When Alice came home the day before yesterday she was talking all about you and how she was getting more complements about her drawing. When I asked her what her drawing was, she said the route to the hospital for you. And when I asked Edward he said he had forgotten about it.'

'Well...' and I really didn't know what to say.

'Bella, I'm mad at him for not doing what I said. You don't-,'

'Well,' I interrupted him, 'maybe you shouldn't have said him, but asked him. Maybe he doesn't like to be commanded all the time.' I actually didn't know if he was commanded all the time, but I hated it when people told me I had to do something, instead asking me. I had to go to the clinic and now I was forced to go on a holiday for 6 weeks. So maybe he didn't like to be commanded either? I saw the doctor looking at his side, and when I did so too, I saw all the Cullens and Mike, along with a few others, listening to our conversation.

'What I don't understand,' he said, lowering his voice so I was the only one to hear him, 'is why you would lie for him about bringing you to the hospital and right now defending him.'

I knew why I was. Because I didn't want him to get mad at me and embarrass me some more. But that wasn't something I was going to tell his father. 'I don't,' was all I said. 'Why are you here?' I asked, hoping he would answer me this time.

'Your blood results. I would like to discuss them with you. But not now, you've got school. Bella, they weren't good. Your results, I mean. I could come over at lunch time.'

'No,' I said, wondering how much money he raised per hour. Was he willing to come over to school just to discuss some results? No, it must be his salary. It must be really high. 'I'll come after school, which will be around three thirty. Bye'

I was walking to the school building. Math first, again. Mike was also calling me again.

'What is it?' I asked him

'We're having math again. Did those tips help?'

'Oh yeah. Homework. I haven't done much of that yesterday.'

'Okay. And have you thought about the summer holiday?'

We were in the class room now and he was sitting next to me again.

'Well, my dad mentioned it yesterday. It seems like I'm going,' I replied a little sad.

'Really? That's just great. I called you yesterday, didn't you hear me? But then again, you weren't looking all too well.'

Class started. Good, because I didn't know how to reply Mike with that one. When lunch time came, I saw Alice give me a smile. I just dropped my eyes and went over to sit on a table. When I looked up I saw it was already taken by the fat girl I saw yesterday.

'Oh sorry, I didn't see you,' I said, getting up again.

'What, are you kidding?' she said, while pointing at her body. She looked pissed. 'Are you one of those stupid skinny giggly girls coming to pick on me some more?'

Wow. So she was having a hard time, huh? She obviously didn't have any friends. But I definitely had to correct her, for I was not one of those stupid skinny giggly girls! So I sat down again, causing her to look surprised.

'I am not kidding and definitely not one of those girls. I've been very off today and you don't want to know what I was like yesterday.' I was looking at my hands, wondering if I had said enough. I wasn't capable of trusting anyone this fast. Or at all. I continued anyway. 'People are being fake-kind to me and that annoys me even more. Believe me when I say I didn't see you.'

She looked a bit taken aback. 'Alright,' she said. She was looking around for a few seconds, when suddenly she asked me, 'Are you eating anything?'

'No. You?'

'No, I am not eat anything either.'

Again there was a silence. I could live with that. It was actually good not to have someone around me all the time asking questions about how I was doing.

'I'm Angela, by the way. Angela Weber.'

'Isabella Swan, but everyone calls me Bella. I came here to live with my dad.'

'You're stupid,'

'Excuse me?' I asked. Where did that come from?

'For coming here. This place sucks. There's always rain. And the new people never make friends. I've been here for 6 month now and all I have made are enemies. Two other girls came to this school after me, and they both left within the month. Nobody knows really why. But I suppose they couldn't handle all the mean things that their classmates did to them. Which is completely understandable.'

'Yeah well. I didn't come here all jolly and all, if that's what you think.' I actually cried when mum sent me to Charlie, but I wouldn't tell that to anyone. Ever.

'So you're going again?'

'I can't. I was wondering… do you maybe know something about that holiday the school has arranged?'

'All I know is that it takes 6 weeks, that most of the people are going and that I am not going.'

'Most people?' I asked a little sad. How big could the odds be that the Cullens were the ones _not_ going?

'Why do you ask? Are you going?'

'Yes, but I have to. I really don't want to go.'

She nodded her head. 'Rough time?'

'You have no idea. What's with the English teacher anyway? He went completely mental, when I was only trying to say he had gotten my name wrong.'

I remembered those stupid sentences I still had to write, but at least I was halfway through.

'I'd advise you not to say anything in his class and go by the rules. The rest of the teachers are less strict.'

I was still wondering if the Cullens would go to the holiday to. I could just ask? Would it sound too nosy? I didn't want to suspect her to think anything. I could tell her about the rough time they had given me, namely Edward, and just wish that they wouldn't go too.

'Times are just getting rougher. And I really wish the Cullens aren't competing, because that would really be bad. I hate them and they keep bothering me.'

She gave an apologetic smile. 'I heard they were all going.' She leaned closer, and whispered, 'but Edward didn't want to go. It seems like it he has been forced too. I don't know by just his father or both of his parents, but he is going. He isn't very close to his parents, if you ask me. I hear him many times saying bad things about them, but usually he's mad at his father. And I really can't stand those two,' she said, eying someone. I turned around to see the girls with Edward.

'Slut and strawberry blonde with gigolo,' I sad in a low voice.

'What?' She said, starting to laugh. 'Is that what you call them?'

'Yeah well.' This girl was kind of nice. Looked like she hated those three too. 'First time I saw slut, she was with Edward. I think they were kissing, but I didn't really witness that. So I called her slut, since I didn't know her real name. First thing I thought when I saw that other girl is that she might have been a model, but I just called her strawberry blonde. Then 2 days ago I saw them with Edwards' arms around them. I said it out loud. And now I really regret it.'

'What did you say out loud?'

'I called the girls a whore and Edward a gigolo,' I said.

Angela started laughing, but was able to hold them in, saying seriously, 'I wish I'd had witnessed that! But watch your back! Tanya and Jessica are brainless, but I really wouldn't want to be messing around with Edward. Once you've got him mad, he won't leave you alone for months!' Oh. I was feeling slightly dizzy by what she had said. Would he really be mad? He hadn't tried anything yet, not really. 'He has just started to leave me alone,' she went on a little sad. 'He used to bother me a lot, calling me fat and letting me trip. I hadn't even done anything. So imagine what he would do to the people who have bothered him.'

'I didn't want to know that,' I said. 'Should I really be watching my back?'

'Just keep an eye open. I have almost every class with him, if I hear him say anything, you'll be the first to know,' she said, smiling. 'And I just think he picks on girls when his parents are giving him a hard time. But that's just a guess.'

Could I turst her? Or was she just lying?

'Trust me on this one. You are so tiny and seem so fragile. I'm afraid Edward might break you,' she said a little jokingly.

Trust. Not trust. Why was I even doubting? Why, why, why? I just wasn't sure. Huh, did she say I'm tiny and fragile? I'm not sure I heard that right.

'Can I ask you something?' I nodded. 'Is it true you have an eating disorder?'

Where had she heard that?

'Many other people say I have. But I don't! Anorexia, that's what they say.'

'Well, many other people say I have BED and I don't deny. I suppose it's true. I've been going to a psychiatrist for a year now.'

'What do you have?'

'BED. Binge eating disorder. I tend to eat too much in a short amount of time. It really sucks. It seems as if my body takes total control over me and I can't stop.'

'I've never heard of that. So that's an eating disorder?'

'Yeah sort of. It's not classified as a separate eating disorder.'

'You're not eating now,' I noticed.

'No. But I'm never in the mood to eat at school. They keep calling me names.' I nodded my head. I knew a lot about that.

Lunch time was over. I took my schedule and saw that I had biology. I had 4 hours biology per week. 2 hours on Monday, 1 hour on Thursday and 1 hour on Friday. Luckily it was also my last hour.

'Bye, Bella,'

'Bye,' I said. I actually had no idea where my class was this time. I noticed Edward walking, so I just followed him. Where were his whores? I did keep my distance, though. After a few turns, he opened a door, got in and closed it again. Shit, I was late and probably the last one to get into class! Everyone would look at me. I ran over to the door and jerked it open. Double shit! Edward was leaning over someone, kissing her. His back was turned against me.

'Oi,' the girl said, stopping the kiss and I felt relieved. It's just slut. Slut I could handle. I quickly closed the door, because Edward hadn't turned around to see me. I put my back on the door, trying to catch my breath. All that running and seeing those two kiss had gotten me breath faster.

'Who was that?' I heard Edward ask.

'Just the bony bulimia,' I heard her reply. Damn it! Why didn't she just shut up and do her job!

Suddenly the door was flew open and I flew along, landing on my face. Edward closed the door, leaving slut in there.

'I would like to know what your problem is! First you call our home number two times. Then my dad freaks out on _me_! Suddenly he appears in his Mercedes, which he practically never drives, to school to talk to _you_! And now', he said, walking closer to me, 'you've disturbed me.'

You. For the results. Because you lied. Yes, to talk about the results. It's only slut, so you can't really call it a disturbance. Haha. That's what I should have said. A comment on each of his own comments. Instead I wasn't able to keep my voice straight.

'I-I just t-thought this was b-biology class. Bye,' I was getting up again and turned around, ready to walk away, _any_ way. As long as I was away from him.

'Biology class?' He asked incredible and started to laugh. 'Well, I was about to do something very biological, but I wouldn't advise you to watch,' he said, still laughing. I scowled at him. Was this what they called mood swings? Or had he just forgotten about me calling him a gigolo? Suddenly he stopped laughing. 'Shit, we have biology now?' I nodded. 'You can't be serious.' He opened the door again.

'Finally, you're back,' slut said.

He grabbed his bag and ignored her, closed the door on her and started walking the other direction. I just followed him and when we finally made it to something what looked like the right door for biology class, he turned around and put his hands in my hair and made a complete mess out of it.

'Hey! Stop that,' I was telling him. He did stop and quickly opened the door and pushed me through it first and then got there himself. A few people started laughing and I was trying to smooth my hair a little. What the hell was that all about?

'And where have you been?' the teacher asked. 'Edward, you are late again. I had warned you the last time.'

'I'm sorry, it really won't happen again,' Edward was saying sweetly.

'That's not what I asked,' he said.

'I was los-,' I was beginning, but Edward stopped me off by saying something totally embarrassing.

'Bella attacked me, insisting on doing something biological,' he said to the teacher. He winked at him. What! Did he just wink at a teacker? The teacher was looking at me now, taking in my appearance. His eyes stayed too long at my hair and it looked like he believed Edward. No!

'I was-,' I started again, trying to tell him I got lost and saw _him_ attacking someone else, but was interrupted yet again by Edward.

'-attacking me. Don't worry, teacher, next time I'll use self-defence.' People started to laugh some more now.

'Sir, that-' I wanted to start again, telling him it wasn't true, but Edward was really fast.

'-was something she wanted to do after class, but she just couldn't hold herself in.' Now practically the whole class was laughing. I turned to see even see only Emmett and Jasper looking a little mad.

'Both of you take your seats. Edward, this really is that last time.'

I dropped open my mouth, really mad now. Me attacking him? Did he really believe that blah? Edward pushed me to the only table left unseated. And I had to sit next to him! I took the seat and dropped my bag on the floor, which caused a loud sound and even more eyes on me. As if they weren't already looking. This time, I didn't care. We were on the front row, so I didn't really see them. I closed my eyes and brought my hands through my hair. My hair! The basted had made a total mess out of it. I tried to smooth it some more until it finally was a little flat again.

Basically, he was a liar, a scumbag, annoying, a gigolo (okay, maybe not, but I prefer this term), hated by his parents, forced to go to the holiday and I was scared the hell out of him. So scared, because if was capable of this, what more could he do to me? This was so in public. When would he have had his revenge? What I really didn't understand, was that he had said I had kissed him. Something biological, like he said it. Maybe he didn't even mean kissing. Yeah, he probably meant kissing. What else was there? Make babies? They don't really have sex in school, do they? Maybe I could ask Angela... I couldn't decide whether I was more mad, annoyed or scared.

Seriously. I had attacked him. That's what he had said. And everyone believed him. I looked up to see people still give me glances every once in a while, even though class had already begun. They really believed that. It wasn't even humanly possible. I mean, seriously! He was much taller and probably stronger. And it was so funny, that it made me laugh out loud. But I was also very nervous for some reason. And that made me laugh even more. I didn't even bother hiding it.

'Excuse me, Isabella. Since when have stem cells been funny?'

Stem cells? That was what he had been talking about all this time. I hadn't even noticed. And miracle after miracle, I laughed even more.

'Isabella, quit laughing this instance,' but I couldn't. The man had probably never laughed before. If you laugh, you can't just stop it. And I was laughing so hard, it interfered with my breathing.

'I'm sorry. It's just so funny, don't you think?' I said between laughters, meaning that he had thought I had attacked Edward and that I had actually wanted to do that.

'Do you mind enlighten me what is funny about stem cells?'

He hadn't understood me right, but I just laughed again. I wasn't able to stop anymore.

'Leave the class room if you can't hold in your laughter, Isabella.'

And that's what I just did. I took my books and put them in my bag and went to the door, all the time laughing. It was just so hilarious, and no one grasped that. I walked to the exit, just going to the hospital now. What did it matter? It was last class anyway. My laughter was lessening now. I needed Alice's directions again and made it to the hospital. Oh. Now that doctor would probably have one of those boring conversations with me again.

I made it inside and had no idea where I should go. I went to the information desk and just asked for Dr. Cullen.

'Do you have an appointment?' the lady asked.

'No, but he is expecting me.'

'Well, in that case, he's at the second floor. If you take the elevator, you have to go to the right and just keep walking until there is a sign with the number 58 on it. Just follow that number and you'll get in a waiting room.'

'Okay, thanks,' I told her and went to the elevator. The few people that were waiting for the elevator were eying me suspiciously. See, that's what I hated too. People with those curious eyes, trying to find out what sickness you have. If they were interested in that so much, why didn't they just become a doctor? They'd meet sick people all the time. Not that I was sick. But still. Didn't they realise that was just plane rude. When would that elevator come? I looked up and caught some more eyes staring. Great, now the whispering had started. I decided I had enough, I would go with the stairs. I was walking to the stairs now, feeling their eyes pierce holes in my back.

I made it to the second floor and went to the right. I found the sign with number 58 and it led me to a waiting room, just like the lady had told me. I walked over to the woman behind the desk. She was looking grumpy.

'Excuse me? I have an appointment with Dr. Cullen. Actually, it's not an appointment, he's expecting me. I mean, he came over to my school this morning to talk about my results. That is, my blood result, and-' I was saying.

'Name,' she interrupted me.

'Isabella Swan.' She looked up for the first time, eying me suspiciously.

'You may continue walking, his door has his name on it.'

I scowled at her, wondering if that was even allowed. Wasn't the doctor supposed to come and call for you? 'Are you sure,' I asked her, 'maybe he's busy. I don't want to interrupt.' She just nodded her head, so I went through the small hall and found his door. I knocked a few times.

'Come in,' I heard him call. I opened the door and once he noticed me, he smiled, 'Bella, you're early.'

'I got kicked out of class for laughing,' I told him.

'What?' he asked, a little surprised.

'That's the reason why I'm early,' I said, walking to the chair and sitting on it. 'Anyway, you've got some results.' He had stopped whatever he was doing and was searching for something else now.

'That's right,' he said, pulling out a few paper. 'How are you?' he asked me, smiling once again.

'I'm fine,' I said.

'Good. These are your blood results. I would first like to ask some questions. Do you take any vitamin pills?'

'Yes,'

'Do you know by any chance what's in them?'

'Just most of the vitamins and minerals,'

'Did a doctor give them to you?' he asked, writing something down.

'No, I bought them myself. When I got...' I was saying but stopped. Should I tell him?

'Yes, Bella? You can tell me everything, go on.'

'When I was in the clinic, they gave me vitamins, but stopped giving me after a while, because I ate a lot there. They told me that if I keep my eating patron like that, I wouldn't need them.'

'By a clinic, you mean an eating clinic?' I just nodded. 'And you take vitamin pills anyway? Why?'

'Because...' I began, 'because I felt like I needed them anyway.'

'Okay, I just need to know this information so I can write it down for later,' he was saying while writing some more things. He put down his pen and started, 'First of all, you have iron deficiency anemia. It is the most common form of anemia. Iron deficiency anemia is a decrease in the number of red cells in the blood caused by too little iron. Hemoglobin is a protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen. You have a decrease in ferritin, hemoglobin and MCV.

Ferritin is a protein that stores iron. Everybody has an amount of spare iron, but all for yours has already been used. MCV is the average volume of red blood cells. The volume gives me the information what the cause of the anemia is. In this case, there are 3 causes. Do you have heavy menstrual bleedings?'

'No,' I said, surprised about his question.

'Are you a vegetarian?' he kept asking, already starting to write some more in the file.

'No,'

'Well, it's hard to tell, but I'm guessing that with you it's the combination of a poor absorption of iron by the body and too little iron in the diet. Iron deficiency anemia causes symptoms such as fatigue, weakness, fainting, depression and a poor appetite. Also a pale skin color, irritability and shortness of breath are very common. Now you know what causes your dizziness and faintings.

I am going to give you iron supplements. For the best iron absorption you must take them with an empty stomach. However, many people cannot tolerate this and may need to take the supplements with food. If you can't tolerate the iron at all, you'll have to get intravenous therapy or by an injection into the muscle. Also you should know that milk and antacids may interfere with the absorption of iron. It's best not to take them at the same time as iron supplements. I will also give you vitamin C tablets, because it can increase the absorption and is essential in the production of hemoglobin.' Once again he started writing some more in the file. I was sure all of the other doctors said something like this, but the way he put it, drew a whole different picture to it. 'Can you understand what I'm saying? Has anyone every told you this before?'

'Yes, I suppose. I understand,'

'You don't have to remember it all, but it will explain to you what has happened with the iron in your blood and how come that you have iron deficiency anemia. Iron-rich foods are eggs, fish, legumes, meat, raisins and whole-grain bread. I will give you this information in writing too, so you can read it through yourself. After this iron therapy your iron supply should return to normal after 2 months. After that we will continue give you iron for another 6-12 months to replenish the bodies iron stores in the bone marrow.'

'Oh,' was all I said.

'You shouldn't worry about this. Like I said, it's the most common form of anemia and the outcome is likely to be good.'

'Well at school, why did you say the results weren't good if the outcome is likely to be good?' I asked, repeating what he had just said.

He took another paper and said, 'Well… because secondly, you have leukopenie. It's a decrease in the number of white blood cells in your blood, which can be risky. White blood cells help the body to fight infections. I want you to take those antibiotics at a strict schedule.'

'I knew I have anemia, but I didn't know I have _that._'

'Didn't your other doctor supply you with iron tablets?'

'No, I just ate a lot of food there. They said that it wasn't really necessary. They never put it the way you just put it, though.'

'Alright,' he said, also writing this in the file. 'Would you mind if I check you height, weight and listen to you heart und lungs?'

I just took of my shoes. Whatever he wanted. It wasn't as if I could tell him not to, he was the doctor after all. He watched my height, 5.28 feet, and my weight, 132 pounds. I had lost 3 pounds since I was out of the clinic. How many days had it been now? Not yet even a week. He listened to my heart and lungs. Once he was finished he went writing some more things and I wore my shoes again.

'Your weight is good, your lungs sound alright, but your hearth rate is a little slow.'

'Alright, so everything is fine or going to be,' I said, trying to get out of here. 'Can I go now?'

'Yes, this is the recipe for the iron tablets and vitamin C. They will give you a pot for 2 months, but if you have any reaction, just call me. And here, this is everything in writing, read it.' I took the recipe and was getting up. I was rather close to the door now. 'I also would like to see you again next week and after you've made an appointment you have to come to me the day before that so that I can take a few more blood samples,' he said, still busy with his pen. 'That way we can see if there has been any change.'

'What, seriously? More blood?'

'Do I have to say 'please'?' he said, looking up with a smile on his face.

Ugh. 'Whatever.' I opened the door, not caring I might have been rude. He was just as annoying as Edward. Only difference was, he could get his own way easily. Because he was a doctor.

'Until next week,' he said and I closed the door quite loudly. This is the time to think 'In your face!' I went to grumpy again and asked her for an appointment with Dr Cullen for next week. She wrote down a date without asking me if I was even available that day. This woman was either working illegal here or just plane stupid. She gave me one of those stupid cards that expect you to come more often. They did that on purpose, just expecting you to come more often.

Appointments:

1 Friday 18/06 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
2 …..day … /… at … hour with Dr. …  
3 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
4 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
5 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
6 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
7 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
8 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …

Next week at three? I took my study schedule to see that I would just finish biology at three. So I would miss biology, or at least the end of class. I definitely had no problems with that. I would do anything to avoid bits of Edward. Kind of ironic, I was glad I wouldn't see him, but I was actually just going to see another Cullen. I could take let him take the blood samples on Thursday the 17th when I had biology class! That is just wonderful. I smiled at myself, feeling brilliant. Less embarrassments. I should go to the pharmacy for the tablets. It was on the first floor, a doctor told me, and once I had the 2 pots I walked outside and drove home. It was actually almost 6 o'clock now and I quickly started on diner. I just made some potatoes and vegetables, hoping Charlie wouldn't mind. I took my antibiotic, the iron and vitamin C. Should I also take the other vitamins, my own ones? I had forgotten to ask Dr. Cullen. It was his job to tell me and he hadn't so I just took those ones too.

Charlie was home now.

'Bella. How are you? It feels like I haven't seen you in days.'

'Just one day. I went to the doctor. I've got a few appointments, but they are during class. Should I just call school, tell them I won't make it those hours?' I was taking two plates and putting the food on it. I didn't take much for myself. I put them on the table and we started eating.

'Sure Bella, that's alright. Is everything fine?'

'Yes just fine. Just some more routine examination. I got a few more tablets to take.' It was best to lie about these things to Charlie. He shouldn't get worried unnecessarily, after all, it was nothing. He would probably want that talk now about the summer holiday.

'Dad, I have thought about the summer holiday and I think it will be great. The day before yesterday, I was just tired and not thinking clearly. I don't mind going, really.' A few more lies. Let's call it a white lie. I didn't want Charlie's summer ruined because of me. He shouldn't be thinking about me all the time having a bad time. That just wouldn't be worth it. And it looked like I had to go anyway. Nothing I could say would change mums mind. So why would Charlie have a bad time because of me?

'Really?' he asked.

'Yeah sure,' I told him, waving my hand to make it look as if I really didn't care. 'How was work?'

'Nothing special. Until I drove home and Edward nearly hit me with his car! I am considering to just take his license from him. Those speeds are illegal in some countries, you know. Maybe that would do him some good.' I thought about this. That really would do him some good. It seemed like he liked driving fast because this wasn't the first time Charlie mentioned it and Carlisle too. Until a thought accord to me…

'No, you really shouldn't,' I told him quickly. 'He'll probably just drive his car anyway, with or without a licence. I think it will only make him more disobedient.' Edward probably knew that Charlie was my dad and Chief of Police. If Charlie took his licence I was sure the blame would end on me. Don't ask me how, it just would and I couldn't afford that. I was playing with the food now, feeling bad about what he did with my hair and saying I attacked him. Everybody laughed and he was such an ass. I saw Charlie watching me, so I quickly started eating some more. When diner was finally done I did the dishes and told him I would go and do some homework. I was thinking about going to the toilet, but that wouldn't be the best move. I had just taken my medicine. So I decided making the last 100 sentences for the English teacher and do a little math. Stupid, useless subject. I had made 8 sums now and all of them had the wrong answer. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. I was holding the book and tried to read the theory. It made everything even fussier.

I ended up throwing the book at the wall.

* * *

Just like my friend, throwing her math books at the wall. She hates it. I don't.

That appointment cards is just like the one that my veterinary has, I thought if I just copy that, nothing could go wrong.

Tomorrow I'll have to work again, so no upday tomorrow, probably monday/tuesday.

The computer does freak out everytime I go over the 5000 words, is that normal? I almost lost it all, I got so mad and I'm sure the computer would have flewn out of the window if I _had_ lost it all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **The characters are Stephenie Meyers.

**A/N: **This was a stupid chapter to write and it's also a very disappointment to myself, so I wouldn't blame you guys if you thought so too. Just don't be too harsh, please.

* * *

_Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets _  
_Cuz you're the only one that I know who'll keep _  
_them _  
_Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets _  
_I know you'll keep them, and this is what I've _  
_done _

* * *

**Dear Diary**

I was awoken by the rooster. Actually it wasn't that bad. It was like he knew what time was best to make noise. It was only six thirty but that was just fine by me. I went to the shower and took my time. When I got out it was 7 o'clock. I took some warm clothes and put on my jeans. I made sure I had the right books in my bag and the detention work. Would he really count if it were 200 sentences? It would be his waist of time, because I had 200. This time I would just say nothing, even if he got my name wrong again. I wondered what his punishment would be if someone didn't make his detention work. Would Edward have made them?

I'm glad Charlie leaves early every morning. It was my best way to skip breakfast and lunch was at school anyway. I felt horrible with this weight. I don't know why everybody called me bony. I went outside to the rooster and fed him. Charlie said he would but I liked feeding him. He was looking a bit healthy now. I would never ever go near him again, though. To think of it, in some way he was the reason I also got the iron tablets and vitamin C. Maybe that was a good thing.

I walked inside again and took my bag. I drank my antibiotic. I would be early at school, but it didn't matter. I could just sit in my car until it was time. I took my car keys and went to school. I can't believe I actually got lost that first day.

It was finally last day of school and then finally weekend. Two whole days that would be just mine and nobody else's. I found a spot and turned the car off and just stared into space.

I didn't want to be here. I was feeling mad again. And also embarrassed. He had touched my hair yesterday. He had touched me. He had given me the fault of him getting late. He was probably disgusted. I know I was. I was disgusted be Edward. I was disgusted by food. I was disgusted by me body. I was disgusted by… everything. If the doctor said my weight was alright now, then why was I so disgusted by everything? He didn't know what he was saying.

Suddenly bright lights were blinding me. In front of me was Edward in his car, next to him sitting Alice and in the back of the car Jasper and Emmett. Alice hit Edward on his shoulder, I saw her mouth moving and the blinding lights went out. Alice looked at me again and was looking worried. I felt something wet on my cheeks and quickly dried away the tears, some with my fingers and some with the back of my hand. Oh why did I just cry? I'm also disgusted by my tears. Why didn't I just disappear?

Alice and Edward were suddenly screaming. I couldn't hear them but it was clear the way Alice was moving her mouth, turning red and the way Edward was glaring at her. What was that all about? I jumped up when I heard someone tapping on my window. It was Emmett and Jasper. When did they get out of the car? I opened the door so they could have their say.

'Bella, are you alright?' Emmett asked.

'Yes. Why?' I asked him, pretending nothing had happened.

'You just seem a little sad. We thought we saw you crying,' Emmett replied.

'Oh, I just got something in my eyes and well, it happens sometimes,' I told him.

'In both of your eyes?' Jasper asked. 'Bella, you can tell us if there's something the matter.'

'I said I'm alright,' I snapped and got out of the car and left them there.

I went to my first class and it wasn't until third hour when I saw the Cullens again. We had English class. I pulled out my books and detention work along with a pen. I noticed someone sitting next to me and I didn't care to even look up if Mike came to bother me again.

The teacher was coming to class now and I heard him say, 'Edward and Isobel, detention work, now.' Maybe I should just not react since I'm not Isobel. I put my bag on the floor and I saw Edward already walking to the teacher to hand over his detention work. I was about to do the same, but my detention work wasn't on the table anymore.

'Isobel, I am waiting.'

Edward was walking again and I saw he was holding in some laughters. When he came to sit next to me, he also took his books. Did he just take my detention work?

'Isobel!' the teacher was screaming now, but I was still looking at Edward. 'Have you made your detention work?' Edward looked up to meet my stare.

'No,' I said, not caring about what would happen now.

'Monday, 500 sentences!' What, that's it? I could handle that. I was looking at the teacher now and he was looking at the detention work… counting! Everybody started talking and I just kept watching the teacher, hoping I had forgotten about just one sentence, so that would lead in some more detention work for Edward. I laughed at myself. This was so silly. Why was I laughing about something as silly as that? When I looked at Edward again, he was just looking at me. He tore a piece of paper and wrote something down. Then he put it in front of me.

_Mood swings?_

My eyes went wide. Not did he just say I have mood swing but it was the exact same thing that I had thought about him just yesterday! He was the one having mood swings, not me. He didn't know anything about me.

'Edward!' the teacher yelled and I jumped up. Man, that guy had some loud voice.

'Since when do you write 'will' with one 'l'? What am I supposed to pronounce that as? Wiel? This isn't German class! Monday, 1000 sentences!' The whole class went still. I had to put my hand to cover my laughters. But it didn't matter, other people were already laughing. That man should be joking! I hadn't supposedly made the detention work so my punishment was 500 sentences and he had 200 sentences which were technically mine, but the teacher didn't know that, with one mistake and his punishment was 1000 sentences! I mean... Wow.

'Everybody, shut up so I can start class!' he yelled some more. Eventually everybody did go silence and he started some grammar and spelling. The guy was a joke. I had probably written so fast that I had forgotten one l but really, this man was unreasonable. Edward took the paper again and wrote something one it. Then he pushed it to me.

_You're stupid as dyslectic as well?_

What? No, I'm not. I took my pen and wrote also something down.

_Easy come, easy go._

I was holding the paper, and decided the better of it. I wouldn't give it to him. I was thinking about getting up and throw it in the bin, when he snatched it out of my hand. I was looking away, because I couldn't afford the look on his face when he read that. I saw the paper on my side of the table again.

_My punishment was more than yours, you call that fair?_

Seriously! He took my work and deserved to get more punishment! Nothing is fair.

_Life isn't fair, what can you do about it?_

I gave the paper to him and ignored it when he gave it back. I wasn't in the mood for him. All of his thoughts were rubbish. All of his acts were low. I was right. He is not to be trusted. And if I can't trust him, neither can I trust his family. I guess it runs in their blood. Too bad his father was my doctor. Maybe I could do a switch and demand for a female doctor or something? Everybody was starting to get up and I hadn't even heard the bell. Edward was fast again and already had left the room. I took the paper he had given me and was considering just throwing it away unread. Of course I had to be curious. And stupid. _Some people would go crying._ I crushed it in my hand and threw it away. This was just great. What did I think? He would forget about me crying? Big no. And I had class again with him after lunch.

I had two more hours, this time with Mike sitting next to. Then lunch time came and there weren't many people yet. I sat on a table somewhere in the corner. I felt so weak for all of them had seen me crying! I was so deep in my own thought, that I hadn't noticed two people sitting next to me.

'You listen to me! If you ever dare to do a stunt like that again, I'll make sure your life is going to be a misery!' She put her water bottle on the table.

'And I'll help you, Jessica.' So slut was Jessica?

'You stay away from Edward. You will never have him! He doesn't want you. You're worthy of nothing. He loves me,' she said.

She just said I was worthy of nothing. She had actually said that.

'Go away,' I was able to whisper.

'You think I like sitting here? I'm trying to make sure you stay away from Edward! He thinks you are ugly, that's what he said to me! Ugly and fat and-'

I stood up, because I couldn't take it anymore. When I tried to walk pass her, the water bottle, which was open, fell from the table and landed on her lap.

'Watch it, pig!' she said. 'You are going to regret that!' But I was already walking fast. Fat. Ugly. It kept going threw my mind like it was a CD player that was hit on repeat. Fat. Ugly. I pushed open a door, any door, and it happened to be the toilets. Fantastic, that's what I needed. And nobody was in there. Hopefully none of the girls would come in now. I didn't want them seeing me like this. I felt completely horrible. I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I was trying to clear my mind from the thoughts. I still had to go to one class. Biology. Still one more class with all of the Cullens and Jessica. I mean slut. Stupid slut. Slut Jessica. SJ. JS. SS. She was right about everything... And so was Edward. I hate this. I hate me. Why am I even here? I looked in the mirror and what I saw makes me want to cry. It was absolutely horrible. I opened the toilet door and sat on the toilet lid. This time, however, the tears didn't come. It was as if I didn't deserve to cry. I heard the door open again and somebody else walked in. I was really lucky that I had gone to the toilet just a few seconds or she might have seen me.

'Dad,' someone said and it wasn't a girls voice, 'why don't you answer your phone, you just texted me!' Oh no, it was Edward. What was he doing in the girls loo, anyway? 'Is that your reason? That was the best you could do? That's ridiculous. I am not going to go to the summer holiday and definitely not for a reason like that! So don't force me to go!' I think he ended the phone call, because he had stopped talking. So he was really being forced to go for some reason? I nearly jumped when I heard a sound, but it turned out to be Edwards ring tone, because he started talking again.

'What,' he snapped at the receiver. 'You're joking, right?' Pause. 'Why do you care, anyway?' Another pause, but this one was longer. 'Fine! I'll go!' He hung up again, I think, and was muttering something about his dad giving him threats. So Angela was right about one thing. Edward did have many fights with his dad. With my doctor. Who I still needed to replace. I was thinking about how dead I would be if Edward knew I had heard his call. But he shouldn't be in the girls loo. Maybe he was a girl. Maybe- Shit! I thought just hit me... Was I in the girls loo? I hadn't really looked, just opened the door and went in. The door opened and he left. I quickly got out of there too and opened the door. Thank God no one was around and this time I looked at the sign. It was a man. How could I have missed that? Oh yeah. Jessica. One more hour threw hell and it would be weekend.

Lunch time was over and I was heading to the right door this time. There was room on the last table and I was really glad for that. The teacher never really paid attention to those who sat at the back. I took my books and opened them just at some random page. I didn't care about biology. I was sitting alone this time. Edward sat next to Jessica and it really was a disgusting sight. It wasn't until Jessica was screaming at the teacher and he sent her out of the class to go to the principal I noticed everybody was looking at me, including the teacher and... Edward. What did I do?

'I'm not going anywhere!' Jessica was still screaming. 'You should send HER, not me!' The teacher looked tired as if he didn't care about this discussion. Hell, I didn't even know what they were talking about.

'Bella, did you really throw water over Jessica,' he asked. Oh, so that was what this was all about, 'and call her a bitch?' I hadn't called her anything, but I knew she had gone completely crazy. And wasn't this very childish of her?

'Why would I do anything like that?' I asked, avoiding his question, because part of it was true, even though it was an accident.

'Pig, you-' Jessica was screaming.

'Jessica! Principal, now!' the teacher interrupted her. He sounded very convincing and I suppose Jessica thought so to, because she left the class room.

'Class,' he started, trying to regain some control again. 'Today we will do test. You will work in pairs of two. Everything else is explained on the paper, so just read that through and remember not to speak to anyone else but your partner. You can all take a microscope and the test paper here.' He glanced briefly over the class and said, 'The pairs are fine just like this. Edward, you go and sit next to Bella.'

I didn't look up when he came to sit next to me. I got up to take the microscope and a test paper. I wrote my name on it and then Edward's. It was about stem cells. We had slides and had to figure out what stem cell it was. Since I hadn't really done homework and never paid attention, I had no idea which one was which. And when I say I really don't know, I mean it. Plus, microscopes weren't my thing. I was never able to focus the image and once I was almost blinded myself because the light was too bright.

Edward just sat there, doing nothing. So I had a partner that was even dumber than I. I took one of the slices and tried every turn and twist, but I think it even got worse. The light was way too bright, but I didn't know how to change that. All that I was seeing was a bright blur. When the image gave me a headache, I just put it away. What ever. I couldn't do this. Edward took the microscope and he looked in it.

'What the hell have you done? You have tortured it.' He gave some turns to the microscope and said, 'Prophase.' Had he focused the image? I was staring in amazement. How the hell did he do it so fast? It has to be bluff. 'Will you write that down or is that a hard thing for you, too?' he said, mocking me. I quickly wrote it down and I saw him pushing the microscope to me with a new slide in it. I looked in it. The picture was focused and the light was better now. I kept staring at the tiny things until Edward asked impatiently, 'Well, what is it?'

'I really have no idea,' pushing the thing back to him. This time he looked surprised.

'What, not even a guess?'

'What are my options?' I had no idea what those words were. They all ended with phase; at least that's what I thought.

'You don't know that?'

'I'm guessing the second phase.'

'The second phase?'

'That's what I said.'

'The second phase is prophase.'

'Exactly, that one,' I said quickly so it would look like I knew the name. He was taking a slide and held it up.

'This one is prophase.' I was looking confused.

'How do you know?'

'Because it's the one I just identified and you just wrote down,' he said slowly as if talking to a moron. I looked at the paper again and saw my own writing. Prophase.

'Oh, yeah,' I replied, feeling really dumb now. Smart Edward was even worse that dumb-not-caring Edward. He looked in the microscope and identified all of the other slides while I wrote them down. There were also 5 questions. I didn't even make an effort to read the questions. I just gave the paper to him. He glanced at the paper and I saw him answer the questions. At least he didn't argue, that was some better. He gave the paper again.

'You have to answer the last question on your own.'

I read the question.

_What have you learned from this assignment?_

_Edward: Nothing, because this isn't the first time I have done this. I already know this by hearth. _

I already know this by hearth. That sounds so… Like a know-it-all. I had to write about what I had learned from this? I took my pen and wrote down.

_Bella: Nothing_. It was the truth. So why lie about it? Edward had taken the paper and was looking at my answer.

'Interesting. So now you're mourning in self-pity.'

'I never said I was.'

'I should just scrape off your name of the test. You haven't done anything but write. And I'm going to get an A and now you will too because of me. I might almost think you are using me.' He was looking at me and I had no idea what my face looked like, but I sure was astonished. That was his worry? I would get a good grade because of him. I didn't want a good grade because of him. But he was right. He knew all the answers and I didn't. So to prove him I wasn't using him, because I wasn't, I didn't even knew the guy was good at biology, I took the paper again and scraped off my name and also my answer on the last question.

'Here. Now the A is yours and yours alone.'

The bell rang and I took my bag and walked over to the door. When I was out of the school building I practically ran over to my car. Deliverance! Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday, just mine!

I went to the house and saw there was a message on the phone.

'Hey Bella, I won't be home this evening, it's just some police work. Don't wait up for me. Dad.'

Perfect. No diner. I did take my medicine with some water. Then I went to the rooster and fed him. Maybe I should name him? It's kind of sad for him not to have a name.

'Henry,'

'Bill,'

'Rocky,'

'Ruben,'

No reaction.

'Jane,' I said and had to laugh when to rooster snapped his head at me and narrowing his eyes. Well it was a reaction. It just wasn't the reaction I was looking for.

'It's very hard to name you, you know that? I don't know any names anymore,' but then I remember another. 'Jacob.' The rooster started to crow. 'But I like Jake better.' He kept on crowing. 'Well Jake it is.' He continued crowing.

'Okay, you can stop now.' But he didn't. 'Jane,' I said and he stopped his crow midway. That should do the trick. Maybe a certain Jane had mistreated him?

I slept early that day and had already missed first meal. I took a long shower, which caused me to miss the second too. When I went downstairs, Charlie was nowhere to be found. His cruiser was missing too. Did he work on Saturdays? It was a wonderful day for Forks and I had to jog a little. So I wore some sport clothes and went running. When I was home, I did some more exercises and took another shower. Charlie didn't have a scale, so I had to buy one. I just wasn't sure where to find one. I landed on my bed and I just wanted to take a nap, but when I woke up it was 6 in the morning. I had slept a lot. And I ha just one more free day. I spent this day on many exercises too. Charlie had slept in so I just went jogging again around noon. I just kept running until I was too tired and found a fallen tree to sit on. I spent the next hours sitting on it and when I came home Charlie had just finished his diner.

'You're not eating anything, Bella?'

'I ate in town. Where were you Saturday?'

'I work on Saturdays, didn't I tell you? Well, anyway, now you know.' He went to the television to end his evening there and I went to my room. I was planning on putting the right books in my bag now so I wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. At the bottom of my bag I saw the paper that all of my teachers had to sign. And another with Mike's number on it. When did that happen? I threw both of them away, not caring about it at all. When I was finished, I went to bed and I slept early again.

I woke at 5 this time and couldn't fall back asleep anymore. Since I had 3 hours, I just did some more exercises. Everything else was done anyway. When I was finished and took another shower, I went of to school again. The hours went fast and I had English now.

When I made it to the class room, the door was already closed. Was I late? I saw Edward coming around the corner, not looking in a hurry at all. So maybe I wasn't late. I opened the door and once the teacher noticed me, the screaming started.

'Isobel, you are late! I don't tolerate that. Hand over the 500 sentences please.'

'Shit!' I said out loud. I had forgotten about that. I looked at my side to see Edward raise his eyebrows. Maybe it was because I had cursed. Then Edward appeared into view too and the teacher was screaming again.

'Edward! LATE AGAIN! You know the school rules by now, why do you keep coming late? I want the 1000 sentences.' I didn't turn around to see his expression. He didn't say anything and neither did I. How long did we stand there saying nothing? I was about to walk in the class room, when Edward grabbed the door and pushed it closed. I turned around to watch him with big eyes. Did he just do that to a teacher? I wouldn't open the door now! That was just horrible of him.

'I hadn't made the-,' he was saying, but when he saw me he said, 'you look aw-,' but I just pushed him away. I didn't want to hear anymore from him. I already knew what he thought of me. I went outside, deciding to spend the hour and lunch time in my car. I just sat in my car, staring in space. When it was finally time, I went to class again. Two hours of Biology this time. I sat alone time and hopefully it would remain that way until the end of the second hour.

'Alright class, I have to say, after grading your tests, I'm slightly disappointed. The rates were very low, on a few exceptions. We are going to check it together so you won't make the same mistakes again next time. So sit next to the same partner you had Friday,' I dropped my head on the table, 'so we can get started.' I heard him come sit next to me and put the test on the table. All the time I remained like that and I shut my eyes. Nobody saw me anyway. And when the teacher was finally done explaining the whole test, I lifted my head and my eyes met Edwards. He was looking so mad. It didn't surprise me. I looked at the paper with was signed with an A. Bastard was right after all, but it didn't surprise me a lot either. After all, his dad was a doctor. I saw he had put my name on the paper again and had answered my question with Isabella: same answer as Edward. That did surprise me. Well, then again, maybe it didn't. I suppose he had to do that. It was after all an assignment with groups of two and the teacher did know I was working together with Edward. So what use would it be if I had crossed out my name?

Second hour of biology sucked too. So I just put my head on the table again, hoping time would go faster this time. Edward had already taken his original seat back, next to Jessica. I sat alone again.

The following days nothing much happened. At school I was left alone often. I didn't see Angela much anymore. On Thursday I went to the doctor so he could take the blood samples and the following day he said things were just the way they were supposed to be. It was Friday so I made a search for a scale. It wasn't hard to find one and I bought it, along with a diary. I always wanted a diary. I drove home and saw that I was now 129 lbs. I opened my diary and wrote my weight down.

_18-06-2010__  
129 lbs_

_Dear Diary,_

_Four more weeks and summer holiday will start. At 9 July to be exact. Summer holiday is supposed to be fun, but this one really depresses me. Nothing is wrong with the cities. __New York__ is wonderful and __Los Angeles__ can be great too. It's the company I'm having that makes me want to run away from this place to... I don't know where. Just away.  
What would the rooms be like there? I don't want to share it with anyone.  
I haven't seen Charlie much this week. I spend most of my time in my room or outside jogging. I don't care about homework. It was only 4 weeks anyway and then school will end. What's the use of it anyway? _

_I hate Edward. That day he was about to say I look awful. Why does that hurt me so? I don't care about him. Why does it matter that he thinks I look awful? I think because he's right and it hurt more to hear it from someone else beside myself._

_Anyway, it's weekend now. Just four more weekends and then my freedom will be taken away from me. I think this might even be worse than the clinic._

_Bella  
_

_20-06-2010__  
127 lbs_

_Dear Diary,_

_Weekend's gone so fast. I did many exercises and haven't eaten. I feel strong now. It's really easy. And I love this control that I am able to have. It's the only control I am able to have._

_Bella  
_

_25-06-2010__  
125 lbs_

_Dear Diary,_

_It was awful today! Another doctors appointment and the doctor wanted to check my weight again. He took more blood from me and asked me what my previous clinic was named. I told him I didn't know. He probably wanted to contact them, but that is not necessary._

I looked at the appointment card that they had given me on 10 July, my first appointment.

1 Friday 18/06 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
2 Friday 25/06 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
3 Friday 02/07 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
4 W-day 07/07 at 14.30 hour with Dr. Cullen  
5 Th-day 08/07at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
6 Friday 09/07 at 15.15 hour with Dr. Cullen  
7 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …  
8 …..day … /… at … …hour with Dr. …

_He says I have lost 7 lbs in 15 days. Too much he says. How is that too much? He has also gone crazy. He wants me to go to him every Friday until the summer holiday and a few days more in between. He is sick. Edward is sick. Tanya and Jessica are sick. Everybody else is. I'm not._

_Bella  
_

_02/07/2010__  
123 lbs _

_Dear Diary_

_The doctor doesn't say much anymore at our appointments. Maybe he has finally decided that there is nothing wrong with me. He did need more blood and sent me to this person who kept asking me questions like what my days looked like, if I ate and slept. __I don't know what that was about._

_I still speak with my friends on the computer every day. But it keeps getting harder, because their parents don't allow them to go a lot on it anymore and I probably won't find any computer in the 6 weeks of summer holiday._

_Dad said that the school has made the choice and we're going to __New York__._

_Bella  
_

_07/07/2010__  
122 lbs _

_Dear Diary_

_You have been diagnosed with depressions. I want you to take these pills each day. That's what Dr. Cullen told me. How is it even possible to diagnose depressions?_

_Today Mike came to sit next to me at lunch. His friends Eric and Tyler came too. What do they want from me? They were talking about the summer and Mike said he was glad I would be there too. He asked me if I wanted to join him on the trips they had planned. I asked them what kind of trips. They said just stuff like the statue of liberty, the __Brooklyn__Bridge__ and all the other famous things._

_Bella  
_

_08/07/2010__  
x lbs_

_Dear Diary _

_I am trying so hard. I failed. I've gained this time. When I look in the mirror, I see a monster. When will the monster disappear? _

_The doctor said my blood results are not the way they are supposed to be. On 6 August it would be 2 months in total since I have taken the iron tablets. But the doctor said we would continue the same tablets until after the summer holiday. Then he would check my blood again and decide on the further treatment._

_Bella  
_

_09/07/2010__  
122 lbs _

_Have a good time, Bella. That's all that Dr. Cullen said to me today. It wasn't even a doctor's appointment. No remembrance. No warnings. Just that one sentence._

_Bella_

It was Sunday now and I was packing. I took all the warm clothes I had and a pair of extra shoes. My bag was very big but half empty. I just didn't need to bring much along. My appointment card was actually full now. We would be back on 22 August and the doctor actually couldn't leave me alone!

1 Friday 18/06 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
2 Friday 25/06 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
3 Friday 02/07 at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
4 W-day 07/07 at 14.30 hour with Dr. Cullen  
5 Th-day 08/07at 15.00 hour with Dr. Cullen  
6 Friday 09/07 at 15.15 hour with Dr. Cullen  
7 M-day 23/08 at 08.30 hour with Dr. Cullen  
8 Tu-day 24/08 at 08.30hour with Dr. Cullen

I didn't even get the chance to sleep in on Monday and Tuesday. I took my 3 boxes of medicine and put them in my bag on top of them. Iron tablets, vitamin C and antidepressant. I had enough for the following 6 weeks.

I wish I also have enough strength to survive this.

* * *

**A/N:** So that's about it. But the next chapter should be more fun. I don't know when I'll post.

I've just seen Prince of Persia in IMAX and it was absolutely amazing and great and I love it so much I want to see it again. It's also kind of amazing, because in Holland there are only 4 cities with IMAX in their cinemas and I happen to live in one of those cities. Yay me!


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

**A/N: **Yesterday when I was finally called by my mentor, I heard the words I've wanted to hear for so long; 'Gefeliciteerd, je bent geslaagd. Mooie punten.' Aka: 'Congratulations, you've passed the exams.' And now I am so happy that I want to get to the happy part of this story, but that's going to take a while :( Ah well...

* * *

_Any first year med student knows that an increased heart rate is a sign of trouble. A racing heart could indicate anything, from a panic disorder, to something much… much more serious. A heart that flutters, or one that skips a beat, could be a sign of a secret affliction… or, it could indicate romance. Which is the biggest trouble of all._

_It seems we have no control whatsoever – over our own hearts. Conditions can change without warning. Romance can make the heart pound, just like panic can. And panic can make it stop cold in your chest. It's no wonder doctors spend so much time trying to keep the heart stable. To keep it slow, steady, regular. To stop the heart from pounding out of your chest from the dread of something terrible… or the anticipation of something else entirely. _

- _Meredith Grey _

* * *

**Adrenaline junkie**

I was walking outside for the last time. Charlie hadn't gone to work, so that he could take me to the airport. I went to Jake and he was sitting on the ground.

'I'll see you in about 6 weeks. Don't poke too many people.' I went to him and he just sat there. Would it be another mistake to try and pet him? I slowly brought my hand to his back and he just kept watching me. 'I won't hurt you.' I smiled when he didn't attack me and I was actually petting him. Maybe it was some animal instinct that he knew I was leaving for a long time.

'Bella, it's 7 o'clock, we should go now.'

'Yes.' It was still early, but Charlie didn't like getting late. I looked at the place and the house one more time. 'Bye bye,' I told Jake and then I went to Charlie's Cruiser. He didn't say anything on the way to airport. Didn't ask me if I had forgotten anything. I was grateful for that.

When we made it to the airport, most people were already there. Mike waved at me. I gave him a small wave back. The Cullens were in my sight too.

Charlie gave me a hug. 'Have a wonderful time, Bella. I'll miss you.'

'Thank you, dad. I'll miss you too. And you have a wonderful time too, alright?'

'Sure. Take care.' I opened the door. 'Call me once in a while, to tell me how you're doing.'

'I will. Bye.' I gave him the best smile I could manage and took my bag out of the back of the Cruiser. I brought my bag to all the other bags. I waved my dad goodbye and he drove to work. This was actually happening. I was going to New York. I leaned against a pole and saw everybody saying their goodbyes to their parents, siblings and friends. It was a weird sight. They were laughing, crying, hugging or just talking. They were all looking so relaxed, without any worries. How did they manage that?

I saw Dr. Cullen talking to Edward. I still didn't understand why he was forcing Edward to go. All I know was that Edward thought the reason was ridiculous. He didn't look happy at all.

Join the club.

The teacher did a check up to make sure everybody was there and we went to the airplane. Alice appeared next to me.

'Bella, you're coming too! Have you ever been in New York?'

'No,'

'Oh, you'll love it there. It's very beautiful and a wonderful city.' We were walking to the seats now and I just realised I had gotten the worst seating place. It was on the rear of the plane, where it was the busiest because of the toilets. But I had made a calculation and the ride would take around 3 or 4 hours. I took the window seat. I saw Alice sit next to another girl and Emmett and Jasper sit next to each other. Jessica was calling for Edward, but he wasn't paying any attention to her. It looked like he was looking for something and when he looked at me it seemed like he had found it. Had he been looking for me? I wasn't sure what expression I should wear on my face when he was walking to me and I didn't know what to say when he sat next to me.

'It seems like we're sitting next to each other. Isn't that fun?' he asked, but I was sure he was just being sarcastic. I turned my head around to look outside. 'You're not saying anything to me anymore? I thought we were best friends.' I scowled and turned around to look at him. His eyes were shut and he had an open smile on his face. I wanted to say something back, but I was lost for words. For the first time I was actually looking at his face and it had no imperfects. I mean, it was as if there was too much beauty spilled on just him. His smile caused dimples in his cheeks, which made him look charming. I was looking at him as if he had committed a crime and suddenly he opened his eyes to look at me.

'Don't stare too much,' he said, catching me on staring at him. I turned around and I felt my cheeks starting to burn and I heard him chuckle. 'Nice reaction,' he said. I got up to go to the toilet. Why was I blushing over this guy? I haven't even blushed in ages and he probably doesn't even realise that. Now he'll think I'm one of those shy girls falling in love with him. As if! When my cheeks felt normal again I went to sit on my seat again. 'Ah too bad, now it's gone.'

'Shut up,'

'Hello! You're finally talking again. I've missed you. How are you?' he asked sweetly.

'What have you been drinking?' I asked slowly in case he was drunk.

'I don't smoke!' he said, looking very seriously. Now I was really confused. I wanted to say something so I opened my mouth but nothing intelligent came out. He didn't look drunk. But he was acting weird. He pushed my mouth close by putting his index finger under my chin and closing it. I looked down, put he pushed my head back up so that I was looking in his eyes.

'I am a great actor, don't you think so too? I thought I should warn you,' he said with a serious expression.

'No need. I don't trust you,' I said and I leaned a little to the other side so he would let go of me.

'Good girl,' he said.

'I have to tell you something. You can't tell anyone, though. If you will,' he said holding my eyes, 'I will have to kill you.' I rolled my eyes. 'I am serious. So, first promise me you won't tell anyone.'

'No, I don't want to know.'

'Bad luck for you, because I have to tell you.'

'Why?'

'Just promise!'

'Why? You give me a threat that you'll kill me. Then you want me to promise. Not so a clever boy, are you now? Because it probably means you don't want to kill me, or else the promise wouldn't matter so much.' He looked a little confused, but changed his expression back to normal.

'Alright, I'll just tell you. I'm supposed to tell Carlisle about your health every week. He has only told me, so none of my siblings know. I first told him I wouldn't go, but he threatened that if I ever wanted to see my car again, I'd better listen.' He was shaking his head. 'And then he actually said I have to be nice to you, because that might gain your trust so you would open up to me and I would know for sure your healthy.' He looked up at me. 'And you have eating issues too, he said.'

'I don't trust you,' I said, not even sure why.

'If only Carlisle could hear you now,' he said. 'But I have a plan. I will call Carlisle every week, tell him you're healthy and doing well. That way I won't have to be around you. You won't have a babysitter and I'm sure you don't want one. So it's a win-win situation for the both of us with my plan.' I wasn't really able to comprehend what he had just been saying. But it seemed like he hadn't finished. 'You have to eat and take your meds. So be a good girl,' he said. I stared at him and opened my mouth again to say something, but the words were missing. He chuckled and pushed my chin up again. Again, damn it!

'We're going up. You should put your safety belt on.' I looked at him vaguely and he was putting his on. When he was finished, he looked up at me. 'Seriously Bella, put it on.' Suddenly putting the safety belt on wasn't important to me at all. The information he had just given me, was like a punch in my face. I heard him sigh and he leaned over me to put it on for me. Then I felt him touch my ribs with doctor hands. 'You aren't even that skinny. I don't know why Carlisle is making such a fuss. How much do you weigh?' I wasn't telling him that. He looked up again to meet my eyes but this time he was leaning a bit to my side so his face was closer to mine. 'You've gone pale.' All I could do was stare at him. 'I don't know how that is possible, either.' Was he trying to be funny? And I wasn't even that pale. 'So, is it a good plan or plain brilliant?' he smiled a crookedly smile.

'It's fine,' I managed to say. My voice was on the edge of tears so I didn't say anything anymore. What had he just been saying? That his dad had told him to gain my trust and make sure I ate? That he actually had asked someone and not just someone, but Edward… to do that? He had discussed me with Edward about my health? And Edward just told me so I knew and was… a good girl so he wouldn't have to be around me. What was wrong with these people?

'Calm down,' I heard from my side. The voice sounded very distant. 'Bella,' someone put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a shake.

'Quit that!' I said.

'You quit getting hysterical. Are you scared of airplanes?'

'No,' I said, but my voice was slightly shaking. It wasn't because of the airplane but about what Edward had just told me. It was as if I had eaten paper and was still digesting it, if possible.

'The only thing that could happen is that the airplane breaks and falls down and crashes us into a thousand pieces.'

'Are you trying to be scary? Good actor, yeah right. You don't even sound convincing.' That seemed to piss him off but he didn't say anything anymore. 'Did I hurt your ego?' I wasn't sure why, but talking to him was a little easier now.

'No, Bella, you'll never hurt my ego.'

'I can be much worse, but I won't.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm- oh look at the nice view,' I said. I wasn't going to tell him I was scared that he would embarrass me or offence me even more. That I was scared of him being capable of doing things like drowning me, telling a teacher in front of a whole class I had tried to attack him and messing my hair. And why did he want to know?

'Why not?' he asked again, but a little bit more persistent this time.

'Because... You're not worth it.' He was looking at me and suddenly laughed.

'You are lying. Just tell me.' I turned my head to look out of the window. I would just ignore him. That would shut him up.

'Or shall I show you my acting skills?'

'Skills? What skills?' I said, mocking him, but this time he didn't look mad. He was smiling and leaned in a little closer.

'Please tell me why you aren't being so much more worse,' he said very sweetly. I dropped my eyes to avoid those penetrating green eyes. 'Isabella,' he said and I looked up for he had used my full name. I didn't even know he had remembered my full name. Had I even ever told him? 'Please tell me.' This time I just closed my eyes. I wasn't going to tell him anything. His acting wasn't even that good. I felt his hand on my hand. I quickly tried to take it back, but have I already said Edward is really fast? He was playing with my finger and it was really annoying, distracting and I didn't understand why he was touching me. Maybe he was drunk. I kept trying to pull my hand back, but it was a lost battle. I put my other hand to cover my mouth in case I might something stupid. I heard him chuckle. 'The first thing I always do is talk to the girl sweetly, begging her to tell me. Most girls tell me then. If that doesn't work I try physical contact, like I'm doing now.' He kept stroking my fingers. 'But there are always girls like you, thinking they can beat me. Thinking they are smarter.' Suddenly I felt his other hand touching the one on my mouth. 'But then I kiss them and they tell me what I want to know without even hesitation.' My eyes flew open.

'Rape,' I said quickly, but I kept my hand in front of my mouth in case he would actually kiss me. He was looking confused. I mean, he was looking like genuinely surprised.

'What?'

'If you do that, I'll report it as rape.' He was still looking confused. 'My gym teacher once told me that a French kiss is rape too.' He did a crooked smile.

'Oh, Bella. I wasn't going to do a French one. Is that what you thought? That's really cute, but it's a bit crowded here for that, don't you think? Unless you don't mind.' I lifted my hand, the one that was on my mouth, ready to slap him, but he stopped my hand when it was in midway, holding it in the air. Now he was holding both of my hands. I tried a bit more pulling, looking desperate, because he had an iron tight grip. I looked up to meet his eyes and he was looking very charming the way he was smiling. Shit. How did he do that? I tried to get up, but I still had the safety belt on. He, however, had taken his off. I hadn't even noticed, but the plane was done going up. He stood up to put his hands, covered with my hands, against both sides of my face. He had to bend down a little so he could look in my eyes but I still had to look up.

I tried to warn him with my eyes, but I don't think I was very convincing. He came closer to me and stopped to watch me for a second. But then he kept getting closer until I was afraid he might actually kiss me. I tried to look desperately around me, but no one was there. I wanted him to let go of me but I wasn't able to say the words. I wanted to say stop, no, or go but I just couldn't. When he was at a scarily close distant, I found my voice back and I said, 'I'm scared of what you'll do to me.' He stopped moving, but didn't let go of me.

'What will I do?' he asked. I dropped my eyes.

'Things. Bad, embarrassing things,' I managed to say. 'Like messing my hair or sending jealous girlfriends to me and I'm not sure...,' I said, defeated. I stopped talking and I waited for him to let go of me, but he didn't. I tried to move a little, but he still wouldn't let go.

'What are you not sure of?' he asked softly. I didn't give up on trying freeing myself and was almost on the edge of tears again. Why didn't he let go of me? I was trying to avoid his eyes by looking everywhere but him. I wasn't able to keep my breathing in control and I didn't want to tell him anymore things.

'Could I please have my hands back?' I managed to whisper. I tried to blink fast, because my eyes were full with water. He finally made some movement and put my hands on my lap. He was doing something else now and I was scared again because I wasn't sure what he was doing. He sat back in his seat again and I realised he had opened my safety belt. I was still holding in some tears. That was awful. I didn't know he would have done that. He wanted to know what I wasn't sure of but I couldn't tell him I wasn't sure if would survive his next attack. He was a great actor; there was no doubt about that. Why had I provoked him like that? Where had I left my senses? But I had never thought he would do that. I didn't know that actors were that good. And this one sitting next to me was driving me insane.

'I haven't sent anyone,' he said after a while. 'I also don't have a girlfriend, let alone girlfriends. I mean really, what do you think I am?' he said, giving me a soft nudge, 'A gigolo?' I still didn't dare to say anything or even glance up. I didn't understand what he did or what he wanted from me. I just looked out of the window, which was my best option to rest my eyes. Edward was doing something and when I turned around, I saw he had a bar of chocolate. It was my favourite; exactly the same one Charlie had bought me. He broke off a piece. 'You want some?' he asked and just as I opened my mouth and was about to say 'no', he shoved the piece into my mouth. 'You are so easy,' he laughed, taking a piece himself. Easy? Wasn't that like an insult for a girl? The chocolate tasted good. 'Bella,' he said. I was about to snap, asking him what he wanted, but he shoved another piece in my mouth. I ate that piece quickly, because I needed to yell at him.

'Will you stop that?' I snapped.

He put the bar back in his bag and I looked out of the window again. Why had he just done that? It was practically force feed. And he had called me easy. An easy girl. Yeah, that sure was an insult. It wasn't even his first insult. I had heard many coming from him.

_Don't care about hurting her feelings._  
_She's not handsome enough._  
_Too bad you didn't choke._

And so many more. He had said those words, out loud. I had heard him. Why was he being like this? He had made this so called wonderful plan that he had made so he wouldn't have to be around me. That was the goal. The win-win situation. Then why was he talking so much and being so persistent? Why did he show me those... acting skills or what ever that was? And pushing chocolate in my mouth.

'What are you thinking?' I heard him ask. 'You look worried.' What should I tell him? Oh, just about the many times you insulted me and that I hate your acting skills. Better not. I'll tell him I was scared because of the plane.

'It's the plane, I don't like flying,' I said.

'Liar,' he said. I turned to watch him. 'Wondering how I know?'

'I didn't lie,' I said.

'And now you're lying about the lie,' he said. 'When I told you about the plane crashing, you weren't scared. You actually had strength to mock me. A person that is really afraid of flying wouldn't have dared that. So the airplane doesn't scare you. Second of all, you are a really bad liar.'

'Shut up,' I said.

'You looked like you were having some internal battle with yourself.'

'Shut up,' I said again.

'What was it about?' he asked. But I didn't say anything. 'Please tell me,' he said with that sweet voice again. I flinched. It was a very visible flinch and I know he had seen it. I don't know why I flinched. But he did that sweet voice thing again. And no, I won't go through that again. The hand touching and not letting me go and assault or whatever he wanted to call it and whatever his crazy head had lead him to, that wouldn't happen again. I was actually scared of his sweet voice now.

'A boy,' I said very fast and shiver went through my body. A boy that happens to be you, Edward. He was looking at me, and I think my brain was playing tricks with me, because I thought I had caught a little worry in his eyes. He was considering something and suddenly he smiled. I dropped my eyes. Would he stop that anytime soon? Even his smile was scary. I didn't want him to do that again... to show me his actor skills. But I didn't what him to embarrass me either. I don't know which one was worse.

'Lucky boy,' he said. I blinked. And blinked again. He really thought much of himself didn't he? But wait... I hadn't told him I had thought about him. Had he guessed? No, of course not. That's impossible. He's not a mind reader after all. But why would he say the boy I just thought about was lucky? 'Another internal battle,' he said, not guessing. 'That boy again?' I nodded my head. I couldn't trust my voice and since my body was having reactions on its own - the flinch and shiver, I would just shut up so at least he wouldn't see how scared I had gotten. I tried to take a few calming breaths and looked outside of the window again. What time was it? How long would the drive take? And before I could stop it, another shiver went through my body. Quit it, Bella! He's not going to attack you here. Clear mind. I know what would work. Counting and each time using another language. One, zwei, trois, four, funf, six, sette, huit... another shiver. I had a strange feeling I was being watched. That instinct feeling that never lies. Instead of calming my breaths, they were coming rather erratically now. What was happening to me? I tried to breath through my open mouth, but it didn't do me any good. My whole body was shivering and I couldn't breath right anymore. I had to go. Run away from here. Run away from him.

'Bella, you're shaking,' Edward put his hand on my shoulder. I flinched again and this time I was so scared, I got up and walked to the toilet. I tried to go there as fast as I could, away from him. I would lock myself up there until the plane would land. Yes, great idea. I didn't care about other people that needed to go to the toilet. They could use the boy's toilet. Any place would be better then around him. I had to escape that seat. I wanted to get out of this plane. I opened the door and got in the toilet. I wasn't sure what was happening to me. Would I die? Was this dying? It's an awful feeling.

I heard something behind me and the door closed and locked. I turned around and saw him. I was shaking even more now and I thought I might go mad.

'Bella, It's alright. I'm going to hold you,' I turned around and tried to walk away from him, but he took hold of my body and pressed himself against me. 'Don't worry. This will calm you down, I promise.' I had some strength left to try and push him away, and I made some desperate noises.

'Shh, it's alright.' He locked me with both of his arms by putting his right arm around my shoulders and the left one around my stomach. He was holding me tightly and my escape chances were even more lowered now. But I was still trying.

'You are going to be fine. Shh, it's alright,' he was saying. His fingers from his right hand went to my neck and he was doing something. I felt some pressure and that made me go wild. He was going to kill me. He had loosened his grip a little so I escaped his embrace, but where could I go. I wasn't even able to talk, let alone scream for help. He turned me around and took hold of me again. This time we were facing each other. I wasn't looking at his face though. I was trying to breath. It was feeling like I was choking. I tried to breathe harder but it didn't work.

'I know what it feels like, Bella. But it'll go away. You're not choking. You only think you are. You are going to be fine.' Shivers still went through my body and I had so much adrenaline in my blood I thought it might be an overdose. This time Edward really was crushing me with his strong embrace. He walked to the wall and I had to walk backwards. He pressed my back against the wall and I was tightly pressed from everywhere now. I couldn't escape. 'You want to fight it at first. But it will decrease your pulse rate.' I think I made a high noise, but I wasn't sure of that.

'Shh, Bella, you're fine. I will calm you down. This will go away.' I shut my eyes and I couldn't move anything, not my hands, my arms or my legs. Once in a while he would make circles around my back, but most of the time I felt this intense pressure. I was so afraid now. He had locked me like this and I couldn't go anywhere. I don't know how long we stood there but it was kind of nice now. I think it was helping. Slowly, my breathing did turn to normal and the shivers were going away. I still felt my heart pounding though. One of his hands let go of me. I felt his fingers on my neck again, but it didn't scare me this time.

'You can open your eyes, Bella.' But I was too scared. I heard some noises and he brought me to the toilet lid and put me on it. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw he had bent down so I had to look down on him. I closed them again.

'Bella, look at me. Open your eyes. I need to tell you something.' I think I was shaking my head. 'You don't have to say anything, just listen to me. But you have to open your eyes first.' He didn't say anything anymore. Had he left? I didn't feel him or hear him. 'Isabella,' he softly spoke. And at that I opened my eyes a little. He put his hands on my knees. 'Bella, I know what you were thinking. I wasn't really going to kiss you. I would never do anything against a girls will. Never, Bella.' I tried to look away, but he slowly put his hands on my face and my eyes landed on his again. 'Fight or flee. You thought you were in danger. And I know that I had caused that and I am sorry Bella. I'm sorry. I had truly no idea it would scare you that much. I should have let go of you immediately. I'm not one of those sick guys, enjoying a girls pain or fear.' This time he broke the eye contact. 'Shall I tell you a secret?' I shook my head and tried to lean back a little and he let go of my face. He looked up. 'You might like it though. It will be a complement for you.' I wanted to get up and go away.

'The secret is about you. Can I please tell you? You will be the only one to know,' he kept pushing.

'Fine,' I said and my voice sounded very strange in my own ears. He smiled and rested his hands on my knees again.

'I never had to go that far with a girl. It was never necessary. I thought you would practically tell me immediately or at least when I was touching your hand. But you didn't and I lost. My acting skills did nothing to you. Well, I wasn't about to tell you that, so I quickly thought of what to do next. I thought that if I told you I would kiss you, you would tell me. But instead you tell me you will report me. I was so amazed. But I went on anyway, because I had to win from you.' I dropped my eyes. I didn't like this conservation.

'But Isabella,' he said and I looked up again. He said my full name pretty often now. 'I had already lost. You had won. You have won. You are the first girl that has ever beaten me. And that can hurt a guy's ego.' He smiled. But I was confused.

'You said...' I wanted to say he said I could never hurt his ego but I was in a haze.

'I know,' he said with a small nod of his head, confirming he had understood me. 'It seems like you can.'

I was confused and thinking fast. I didn't understand what just happened. First I was fine. But he scared me. And I had these weird thoughts. At that time those thought were the normal ones. Now they seemed so silly and surreal. I had wanted to jump out of the airplane.

'Ask me, Bella,' he said. 'Whatever it is you're thinking, ask me. Don't hang around with questions.' I looked at him and I was still so confused. He started making fast circles around my arms and I hadn't even realised I was freezing. But then he stopped and pulled out his jacket. His was bigger than mine and he put it around me. Now I looked confused at him, but he looked as if he was waiting for something.

'I just don't understand,' I told him. He smiled a little but also looked guilty. 'I thought I was dying. I wanted to jump out of the plane.'

'It was probably a panic attack. You got scared. That causes to get adrenaline in your blood. The adrenaline brought you in the fight-or-flight response,' he finished as if that explained everything. He probably noticed my face. 'You never learned at biology?' I didn't even bother to shake my head but he was waiting for an answer.

'I don't know,' I said. It was probably one of the subjects, but I guess I had missed it.

'It's an automatic reaction of the body to prepare you to fight or flight. It happens when there is a possible threat or attack. You start to breathe faster and your blood pressure and heart rate accelerate. Your pupils dilate, which, by the way, they still are. I'm just waiting until your heart is at rest again and your pupils have their normal shape back.'

'I'm fine, really, you don't have to wait for something as silly as that,' I was saying, but he put his hands on my shoulders to prevent me from standing up.

'The fight of flight mechanism is much stronger than most people think. Because of that, everything will appear as a possible attacker. You weren't fighting. You were fleeing.' He put his fingers on my neck one more time. 'You might run to the other side of the plane.' I looked up angrily, sure that he was mocking me, but his face was blank. He was watching his watch for a few more seconds. When he noticed me watching him, he slowly started a smile. 'I never believed they could be this strong. Now I do.'

'Why?' I asked confused. He looked as if it was obvious and I dropped my eyes again, feeling like a stupid moron.

'I just witnessed one.'

'Oh. Sorry about that. I wish you didn't have to. You didn't have to come.' Suddenly a thought hit me and I straightened up. 'How many hours have we been here?' I wanted to get up and sneak out of here.

'Relax or I'll have to calm you down again,' he said. 'It's been now,' he took a glance at his watch, 'ten minutes.'

'What? No it's not. That can't be.' He just looked at me and showed me his watch. It was 9 o'clock and we flew around 8, I guess. 'Can we get out of here?' I asked. He looked at my eyes and he shook his head. 'I won't run.' He looked a little surprised by my words.

'It's automatic, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself.'

'Isn't that a little exaggerated?' I dropped my head and it landed on his shoulder. I tried to lift my head but I was feeling exhausted.

'And now all the adrenaline has left your body and you're experiencing an after effect. You adrenaline junkie,' I tried to lift my head so I could slap him, but he put his hand on my head and it felt like the most heaviest thing ever. I closed my eyes for only a second, until I heard his voice calling my name. He had lifted my head up. 'Bella, open your eyes. Bel-la.' I felt him touch my nose with his finger.

'What?' I asked sleepily.

'We can go back to our seat now,' he said.

'Alright,' I said. I heard him chuckle.

'Are you still going to stand up? Or at least open your eyes?' I was thinking about this. I was sitting rather well here. I think I heard him stand up and he lifted my up by putting his hands under my elbows. 'Come on. You know, Bella. You know what all people will think when we get out of here together.' Ugh, what was he thinking? But he was right.

'Oh shit,' I said. I looked up at him and he chuckled again. He did that a lot now. 'I'll go out alone and you count to ten and then come.' I gave him his jacket and I tried to walk on my own. My steps, however, were very unstable. I opened the door and walked over to my seat. I closed my eyes immediately and heard Edward come and sit back too. He didn't say anything and I finally slept. It felt like only a few minutes when I woke up and my head was leaning against the window. I quickly sat up straight and wasn't sure if I should look at my right. I was feeling some tightness around me. It was the safety belt.

'You're awake again.'

'How long have I slept?' He looked at his watch.

'Around 45 minutes. We have some delay, because there was some turbulence. I put your safety belt on.'

'How long,' I asked incredulous and also a bit loud.

'They didn't tell, but I guess two hours,' he said, not looking up from the magazine he was reading. Two hours extra in this awful plane next to him. I looked outside of the window and remembered my crazy attack that I had around one hour ago. He had held me. No one had ever held me like that. It was strange. I had tried to flee him. He was right about that. He witnessed all of those strange reactions my body had. That was probably the most embarrassing thing ever and I could have stopped it but I didn't. I just let it happen. I'm sure I could have stopped it. What's that? I was feeling something on my neck again. I turned around and Edward had his fingers on my neck again and in the meantime looking at his watch. He was touching me again.

'What are you doing?' I finally asked the question.

'What does it look like?' he asked a little annoyingly. I turned my head around and his fingers stayed way too long on my neck. I didn't like it when people got annoyed because of my ignorance. He turned his fingers around and stroked my neck on the spot he had been touching it twice with the back of his fingers, getting back my attention. I looked up at him. 'I'm sorry. I was checking your pulse.' Then he took my hands and put two of my fingers on my neck and two fingers of my other hand on his neck. 'Can you feel the difference?' Mine was going faster than his. And why was I touching him.

'I suppose,' I said, taking back my hands.

'I suppose,' he mimicked my voice.

'Hey!' I said feeling offended.

'Mine is 65 and yours is at 120.'

'It's nothing.'

'It means something has caught your attention again.'

'It's normal for me to have a high rate,' I said not even sure about it.

'No, because the lowest rate I have counted with you was 70, which is normal.'

'When was that?'

'While you were asleep. You were very calm looking.' I turned my head around. I don't know why I had this strange anger in my. He had watched me while I was sleeping. It felt like he had spied on me or done something illegal. Again Edwards's fingers were at my neck and counting. '140,' he said. I looked up at him again and he looked at me as if he had just discovered something.

'What?'

'It's me,' he said. He hit his hand on his forehead, as if it was so stupid of him to miss something like that. 'Of course. I mean, first you have a panic attack because of me that almost caused to pound your hearth out of your chest. When that was over, it dropped to 140 and when all the adrenaline had left your body it was 110. But it didn't drop to under the 100, which is something it should have done. When you were asleep you were the calmest I had ever seen since that and the minute you wake up, it races up to 140. It's me!' I looked at him and he was looking amazed, surprised and to my horror self-confident. Had he just figured something out, something I didn't even know until he had said it, be just my pulse rate? I hadn't even realised my pulse rate had increased. It was only because he had said it. Stupid hearth. It's a betrayer. Why was he so doctorish.

'Could you just... not say anything and leave me alone?' I said. 'It has nothing to do with you. And stop touching me.'

'Bella-,' he said.

'Please,' I choked out. He was quiet for a while, but broke the silence anyway.

'Did you know that cows are squeezed tightly in a chute before they are slaughtered? Cows are easily scared. The chute gives them pressure and it calms them down.' I'm not sure why, but I lifted my head to look at him. 'Sometimes pressure can calm people down too. It calmed you down.'

'Edward... Your plan was that you will call your dad and tell him I'm fine. You don't have to talk to me. I won't tell him you didn't do what he asked from you, I promise. Could you just stop talking?' I turned my head to watch out of the window and Edward didn't say anything anymore. I tried to take off the stupid safety belt that was still on me, but it didn't work. I tried pulling at it, maybe it would just break, but it didn't. I heard Edward chuckle and when I looked up he was just staring at me. His arms were crossed and I wanted so badly to free myself from this thing. I looked up again and Edward saw my clear struggle and didn't even bother to help me.

'Do you have a scissor?' He shook his head. 'Sharp keys?' Another shook. 'A knife?' He just laughed and leaned all the way over me to open my safety belt. He leaned back and wrote on his magazine.

_Can I talk?_

'No,' I said, laughing a little at his question.

_But I need to tell you something._

'Just write it, you're doing a great job at it.'

_I'm sorry. Again. I didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry._

I just kept staring at the magazine and his words. Then I gave it back to him and continued staring back out of the window. When I would get out of the this plane, I would finally get rid of him.

* * *

**A/N: **But you guys don't want to get rid of him! But Bella does...

At least he didn't let her choke.

This is my tallest chapter now, seven and a half thousand words. That's a lot.

Maybe I should add that in Holland a French kiss gets the same punishment as rape. That's what my gym teacher told me. I don't know about other countries.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

Enjoy the first two weeks of Bella's holiday.

* * *

**I bite**

**Week 1**

Stupid airplane. It's been two hours since Edward has talked. And I was wondering if any of what he had said was true. But I did need to give him a warning about his stupid acting skills. He really shouldn't do that to any other girl.

'Bella,' he said, the same time as I said, 'Edward.'

'You go first,' he said quickly.

'Oh, I just... was wondering how long the flight will take,' I said. Coward.

'Around two more hours.'

'Okay. What did you want to say?'

'Would you like something to drink? It's still a long ride.'

'No, thank you,' I said.

'I'll have two cokes, please,' he said to the girl with the drinks.

'There you go,' she said. I think she also winked at him.

'Thanks.' He opened one and gave it to me.

'No, thank you,' I said again.

'I'm not asking. I'm giving it to you,' he said and pushed it in my hand. He drank some of his and looked at me again. 'Have you ever been in New York?' I shook my head. 'By the way, you're not letting go of that can until it's empty,' he said casually.

'What?'

'You've missed lunch and you really need something in your system. You know with the panic attack and high hearth rate. Just drink it. It's not much to ask.'

Actually it was. It wasn't diet coke so he asked me to drink ten lumps of sugar. I looked up through my eyes and he was watching me. I turned my eyes back to the can. Ten lumps. I was kind of thirsty. But I really shouldn't drink this. That's what all the thoughts were screaming in my head.

'Why aren't you drinking? You don't like coke?'

'Yes, I mean no, it's just I... I don't...' I tried to explain and sighed. It's just these demons in my head telling me that drinking this is bad. I felt the can get pulled out of my hand and I saw that Edward had taken it.

'I'm doing it again. Forcing you. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Next time just punch me,' he said. I looked at his face, sure he was joking. But there weren't any sign of mock.

'You'll just stop me. You're faster than me,' I said.

'No, I won't stop you. Yes, I am faster than you,' he said, smiling.

'Still. By the time I do punch you, you'll have forgotten about this conversation and get mad at me,' I said.

'Only one way to find out,' he said.

'No, thank you,' I said. No thank you to the awful times, no thank you to being called names, no thank you to public embarrassments. I saw a strawberry blonde coming our way, to the toilet. Stupid strawberry slut.

'What?' Edward suddenly asked. 'What's a stupid strawberry slut?' I looked at him in shock.

'Did I say that out loud? Oh it's nothing, really,' I said and I really hoped he didn't understand I was talking about Tanya. He was looking at me. But she had to ruin it by opening her mouth and just not walk to the toilet. He could have missed her!

'Edward, I wish I was sitting next to you. Now you don't only have bad company but also an awful view.' Jeez thanks. I like you too, Tanya. Believe me, he's all yours. I don't want one bit of him.

Edward had been looking at me all the time and when he heard Tanya's voice he started to laugh. She smiled as if she was satisfied to make him laugh. Tanya started some fake laughter too.

'You should go to the toilet now until someone comes,' Edward said, still laughing. And that's what she did. I looked out of the window.

'Bella!' Edward nearly shouted and he was still laughing as much as ever.

'Shh, people are looking,' I whispered.

'Tanya,' he whispered back, 'is a stupid strawberry slut?' He looked at me expectantly and wore a huge smile on his face.

'Yes,' I hesitantly said, not looking him in the eyes. But that made him go mad and he laughed even harder.

'Edward, be quiet!'

'Alright, alright,' he said, trying to regain some control.

'What's so funny?' I asked. He scowled at me.

'Bella, you strange girl. I'm laughing at what you said. It's... the highlight of my day,' he said.

'I'm glad to amuse you,' I said offended. Now I was strange. But it wasn't a bad offense. He gave me a path on my hand and suddenly took it with both of his warm hands.

'You're hand is cold as ice. Aren't you cold?'

'I'm alright,' I said but I didn't pull my hand out of his one, because my hand was cold. He took my other hand too and held them both in his warm ones. I should object. Why did I let him hold my hands? We stayed like that for a while, until I heard the toilets door open and quickly pulled my hands back.

'Edward, why won't you come and sit next to me?' Edward looked at me and he smiled a little.

'No, I don't want to have a bad company and an awful view.' I looked up at her but he didn't. She looked confused.

'Yes, that's why you should come and sit next to me,' she said slowly in case he didn't understand. I looked back at Edward and before he turned around he gave me a wink. I rounded my eyes. I wasn't stupid, but did he just give me a complement? Had he just said that Tanya is bad company and an awful view and I'm not?

'You should go back to your seat now,' he said to Tanya and she left. He pulled out his jacket and put it over my back. He was being so nice and also in a different way than other people. It was weird. But this was the guy that had hated me since day one. Before he even knew me, he was an awful nightmare to me.

But now, right now, he had had the opportunity to sit next to someone else and he didn't take it. He sat next to me. Maybe he was over Tanya or something. However, he did say he likes Tanya better than Jessica.

'Why don't you pull the jacket on, it will warm you up better,' he said. I pulled my arms through the big holes and here I was, sitting next to Edward and wearing his jacket. What will everyone say when they see me wear Edwards jacket? When it was finally time to land, I tried to put on the safety belt.

'Why do they make these things so impossible?' I said. He had to laugh at that and put it on for me.

'Just call me when you need to take it off,' he said.

'I just will,' I said angrily. I felt stupid for not being able to put on a stupid safety belt. He just smiled. When we landed and the plane had stopped, I was dreading to ask him for help, but before I could, he already took it off from me. He touched me hand.

'Just wear the jacket, you're still cold,' he said getting up. I wanted to pull it out, but before I had I chance, he pulled the zipper up. I decided to just keep it on, because I felt warmer now. And it seemed like Edward had won this one.

'What time is it?' I asked.

'Three o'clock,' Edward said, looking at his watch. 'What are you going to do?'

'Bella,' Mike called, 'Are you coming?'

'I'm coming,' I called back at him. I looked up at Edward. 'It seems like I'm going with Mike.' Before he had a chance to reply, I walked to the exit. Mike was waiting outside and smiled when he saw me.

'Finally! This is going to be so great,' and he started walking to Tyler and Eric.

'So, where are we going?' I asked.

'First we'll put our baggage in the hotel. Then we have free time for ourselves. Do you want to stay in your room or are you coming with us?' Mike asked.

'I'm going to stay in the hotel,' I said, taking my baggage.

So now we were walking to the hotel. I saw a room with just one bed. Nobody was taking it, so I did. This is really amazing. No people around me. I took out my diary and wrote down everything.

_12-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I had the strangest day. I don't know if I can even explain. Edward sat next to me in the plane. And he talked to me. He has confirmed to me that he is a great actor and I hate that he affected me like that. I will never ever trust him. He's just a liar and a great one too. I still haven't warned him. He warned me. He said that he was a great actor, but I hadn't taken his warning seriously. I just wanted to warn him to give better warnings to 'his girls'. How many would he have?  
I have also found out what the ridiculous reason is why his father had forced him to come here. Me.  
He said I'm not even skinny. Does that mean he thinks I'm fat? Why doesn't he just say it?  
I had been so silly. Why had I gotten so scared of him? He's not scary in the least!_

_Who am I kidding? He scared the hell out of me. But then... he did calm me down again... Why didn't he just leave me alone?_

_He also pushed the first food I had in 2 days in my mouth. And he doesn't even realize._

_I had won from him, he said. But like I cared. He probably just said that so I wouldn't report him. But then why did he insult Tanya? It was an insult, right?_

_I don't understand! I'm so confused._

_Bella_

_13-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today the three boys brought me to the statue of liberty. It was really nice there. They ate huge meals and insisted on buying me one. I just bought a sandwich._

_I still have Edward's jacket, but I haven't founded him anywhere. He would probably say I had stolen it._

_Bella_

_15-07-2010_

_Those boys! Yesterday I was so tired, because I slept one a.m. in the morning. So I couldn't write anything in my diary. They had brought me to a musical and a museum. I hadn't enjoyed any of them._

_Still having Edward's jacket._

_Bella_

_17-07-2010_

_I think I have seen about everything that is in New York. And I'm also very tired, but it's a good exercise, all the walking. I think I've lost some weight. I hope Edward is staying in the hotel tomorrow, because I really need to give him back his jacket. Tomorrow it's Sunday._

_Bella_

It was ten o'clock when I woke up. It was Mike's fault. He and Eric and Tyler had been walking so fast and we have actually seen everything now. I took a shower and wore some clothes. I went downstairs and I saw Edward, but he was talking to Jessica and Tanya. His back was turned against me, but Tanya and Jessica did notice me. They had an evil smile on their face. I kept walking downstairs, until I tripped and fell the last few steps. I landed on my hands and I was lucky nothing broke. Someone was pulling me up and I noticed a man with tall blonde hair.

'Be careful now,' he said.

'I'm fine,' I said.

'Are you new here? I'm sure I would have remembered a face like yours,' he said.

'I'm here a week now, you?'

'I work here. My name is James,' and he extended his hand.

'I'm Bella,' I said.

'Yes, you are,' he smiled shaking my hand. I gave him a confused smile back. 'Can I buy you a drink?'

'Sure, a diet coke, please. I have to go up for a second, but I'll be back.' I saw him walking to the bar and I quickly went to my room again and grabbed Edwards's jacket. When I went downstairs I noticed Tanya and Jessica watch me again. I wasn't sure if Edward would want me to walk over to them. While I was thinking what to do best, I saw Edward was already walking to me.

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a week,' Edward said.

'I've been hanging around with Mike and the guys a lot this week,' I explained. 'Did you call you dad?' I asked, remembering our deal.

'Yes and he was very happy you're doing so well,' he said, mocking his father's voice. He laughed at that, but I scowled at him. He was mean to everyone, but I guess when it came to his parents, he did it behind their backs. He stopped laughing and watched me for a while.

I handed him back his jacket and he took it.

'Bella! Think quickly!' I heard James call from behind me. I turned around and he threw the can at me. No, what was he thinking, I can't catch. I tried though, but Edward's hand had already appeared in front of me and caught it right in front of my face. He handed it to me and I took it.

'Are you crazy?' Edward asked James. 'It could have hit her head.'

'Dude, relax. What's your problem? Wait, Bella, is this your boyfriend?' James asked.

'No! Where did you get that idea?' He stared at Edward and then turned around at me.

'Interesting,' James eventually said. 'Why don't you,' he said to Edward, 'go back to those girls,' he pointed at Tanya and Jessica, 'while I take care of this beauty?'

I looked down because he was talking about me. I opened the can and drank some of the coke. Edward was looking very mad, but left.

'So, Bella,' James said, 'where have you already been in New York?'

'I think I've seen everything,' I said.

'Are you sure? There are a few very nice places that I would like to show you. I don't have to work now.'

'That's very kind, but I'm really tired. I've had a busy week and today I don't want to go anywhere.'

'Of course, Bella. What about tomorrow?'

'Oh… sure,' I said.

'Wonderful. I can't wait,' James said. He smiled again and actually he was very handsome.

'What places do you want to show me?'

'Those are the spots everybody forgets in their haste. They are very famous and they look charming. I'm sure you'll love it.'

We talked until it was diner time and everybody went outside to eat. James was so nice and he had been with me on his free afternoon to talk to me about all the famous places here in New York. I went to my room and picked up my diary.

_18-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a great day. I talked to a boy that works here. His name is James and he's 19. He lives here and tomorrow he's going to show me the city. I'm actually very excited!_

_By the way, Edward really doesn't like his dad. Well, the way I see it, Dr. Cullen forces him to do everything he doesn't want. But he doesn't force him just because he likes to force his kids into doing something they don't want to do, right? So it's Edwards fault. He did something that his father and maybe mother either didn't like or didn't approve. I wonder what it is…_

_Bella_

**Week 2**

_19-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_James is wonderful. He kept telling me how glad he is since he met me and he also told me all these nice things and... I just know he's being honest with me. Why would he lie? Anyway, he did show me all these wonderful places that I hadn't yet visited. He didn't even insist on me eating. How great is that?_

_Bella_

_22-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_James drove me on his motorcycle! It was great, even though sometimes he drove very fast, but I didn't tell him to slow down, in case he might think I'm scared or boring._

_It's very easy to stay under the 200 calories every day with James around me. He isn't much of an eater himself._

_James might be the highlight of my holiday. He isn't like anyone else. He doesn't judge. He never called me names. He really seems to like me. _

_Bella_

It was Friday evening now and everybody went out. Mike asked me to come with him and since he had been so persistent, I said I would come. So now I was in some bar, with drunken people around me, already making out. How could people embarrass themselves like that?

I saw that Mike, Eric and Tyler were talking to a few girls and it seemed like the girls were very willing. I hope the guys would make it short, because I wanted to sleep and I had no idea how to get back.

'Hello, sweetie,' I heard someone say. Please don't be talking to me. 'Such a beauty like you shouldn't be sitting alone.'

I don't think to boy was very old but he was very drunk. I know how to handle drunken people. I've been around them for some time.

_'Bella, don't be so ridiculous! You're uncle is a very nice man,' Mom said._

_'But mom...' I tried._

_'Bella, hush. I can't leave a seven year old alone in my house and this way you won't be alone,' Mom said._

_'Why don't you bring me to dad?' I asked._

_'Don't be silly, he lives in Forks. We're here, Bella. I'll pick you up tomorrow at twelve, alright? Be nice to Uncle Ben.'_

_I got out of the car, meeting the smelly, drunk old man. At least I knew when to go to my room. After 11 drinks._

_'Bella! You're here! I've just put on your favorite movie.' I went to his couch and I didn't see any glasses. So he hadn't begun his drinking yet. Good, maybe I could see the end of the movie. He took his alcohol._

_Drink 5  
'Bella, I love you so much. You are such a nice girl. I'm going to pay for your college and if you ever need anything, you know you can ask me. You are my favorite cousin.'_

_Drink 8  
'Oh Bella, why is life so hard,' he was crying now._

_Drink 11  
'You ungrateful bitch. Get out of her! Now, get out. I don't want you here!'_

_Than night, I stayed just a second too late. And before I knew it…_

_Drink 12  
'Get out of the house! I said, leave! You ugly bitch, go!'_

_I ran out of the house and I had tears on my face. That was the first time I slept outside and no one knew. It wasn't that bad. It was better than sleeping in the house of a drunken man._

Uncle Ben never was cruel or violent, he just yelled a lot and cursed. He never hurt me, but my mom did by sending me to someone like him.

Alright, think of what my gym teacher told me. I could use my nails and teeth as protection, since I didn't have any keys or a knife.

'What's the matter, sweetie? Cat got your tongue? Shall I go and find it for you,' and he grabbed my face with one hand and pushed me towards him. I punched his head with my fist and he let go of me. Then I quickly stood up and wanted to run to the boys, but where did they go? Then man grabbed my arm and turned me around. 'Well you're a wild thing. Good thing you punch like a girl.'

'Leave me alone!' I yelled and tried to free myself from him.

'I'm going to give you the best time of your life. Don't be so ungrateful,' he said, pulling me somewhere. What a nasty man. Did all drunken people think I was ungrateful? I stopped pulling him and brought my mouth to his hand and bit him with so much force I tasted his foul blood. He let go of me and I started spitting all of that blood out of my mouth.

'Bitch, you bit me!' he said, looking at my teeth mark in his hand.

'That's for not listening,' I said. 'No go and screw a girl that actually wants you.' I smiled at my own courage. I didn't know I had it in me. But he didn't scare me, not really. I walked to a crowded bit and saw there was a seat at the bar untaken. At least there I would be a bit safer with the serving people around me. It was twelve o'clock now and I think the guys have actually scored a few girls. I hope they were just kissing somewhere. But after an hour I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I went looking for them. Yes, there they were, kissing. I can't go there and kill there fun, if that's the kind of fun they want. Maybe I could make it back alone to the hotel. We had taken three buses to get here and I hadn't paid attention to which ones.

What now?

I went outside, maybe some angel could guide me the way.

I saw a very familiar looking jacket. I had worn it just a few weeks ago. Was he really going to be my ride back to the hotel? Could it have gotten any worse?

'Edward,' I said when I was close enough. He was smoking a cigarette and was trying to find who had called him. 'Over here,' I waved.

'Bella! You're here? Are you alone?' he asked confused.

'Uhm, I wasn't but now I am. I have to ask you a favor. Could you tell me which buses I have to take to get back to the hotel?'

He was just watching me, smoking his cigarette and not saying anything. After what felt like a really long time, I walked away from him. He's still such an ass. A smoking ass.

'You're going the wrong way, bus stop is over there.' He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and tried to find his balance back.

'Are you drunk?'

'No,'

'How many have you been drinking?' He was about to say something to me, when I added, 'Don't you dare lie to me.' He looked a little shocked.

'It might have been around 7. Or maybe it was 10,' he said.

I slightly shook my head. 'Are you alone?'

A nod.

'And how were you planning to get back?'

'I never have trouble getting back. But it seems like you have and you don't seem like the drinking type. So me drinking a lot isn't a problem. And you not drinking is.'

What kind of a logic was that?

'Right. And what does a drinking type look like?' He actually was thinking about the question.

'Me,' he eventually said.

'Damn, you really are drunk. Any idea in that alcohol filled head when the bus is coming?'

'Yes!' he said, 'Now,' and he pointed at the bus that was coming. I ran to the bus and luckily it was very busy there, so I wouldn't be late. Edward finished his cigarette and stood behind me. I noticed a few other girls from the hotel and I suppose they were going back too. I could just follow them. I was wrong because Edward wasn't the worsest. A drunken Edward is. I was about to get money for my bus ticket, but Edward already paid for two people. I found an empty seat at the window side and Edward sat next to me. I could smell the cigarette he had just been smoking and now the smell of alcohol hit me.

'Do you want a cigarette?'

'You can't smoke here, idiot,' I said.

'Are you going to stop me?' he asked, taking out his cigarette packet. I took the packet from him and put it in my own bag.

'I just did,' I said.

'You're mean. I don't like you.'

'I don't like you either.'

'I lied Bella. I do like you,' he said.

'What ever.' I turned around to look at his face. He sat very low on the chair so I had to look down on him. I hope he wouldn't collapse. Ten drinks is a lot after all, even for him.

'I like you a lot. I wanted to ask you out today, but your boyfriend said he would be busy with you. All night,' he said, making a huge circle with his arms.

Ask me out? What for? 'I don't know who you've asked, but I don't have a boyfriend. Besides, I'm alone now, and if I went out with my boyfriend, which I don't have, he wouldn't leave me alone. A good, nice boy would bring me back to the hotel, don't you think?'

'You're not alone.'

'What, you? You're drunk. I'm looking more after you than you after me.' I noticed the girls getting out, so I gave Edward a push to get up and we went to the next halt. We were just in time for the one that came and I went in.

'You are such a sweet girl,' Edward said, after we sat down again.

'Don't say anything you don't mean.'

'You know, those boys have been watching you since we've been here. I should go there and kill them.'

He was looking very serious. 'Why should you kill them? Maybe they're gay and talking about you.' I looked at the boys he mentioned and they gave me winks and blew kisses. They are so straight.

'No, they just did _that_ to you,' meaning the winks and kisses. He put his arm protectively around me.

'Uhm, I know you mean all well and all, but you don't have to put your arm around me.'

'They wonder if I'm your boyfriend. This way all their doubts will go away.'

'You can't know what they said, they're too far away.'

'I can read their lips. And they've been saying nasty things that makes me want to break their necks.'

'You can read their lips? For real?' Wow. I was amazed about that. That's pretty cool, because I tried it once myself before, but I failed. It's really hard.

'Yeah. We have to stop at the next halt.'

'You're too drunk to know.' I glanced at the girls and they stood up. He was right?

'You're underestimating my abilities,' he said with a sad face. 'I know what my maximum limit is of drinking alcohol. If I drink twelve glasses, I forget everything the next day.'

'Wait. You said you drank ten? So you'll remember everything tomorrow?'

'I guess.'

'Do you have alcohol in your hotel room?'

'It's not allowed.'

'That's not what I asked.' He sighed. It was quite funny the way he wanted to be honest. He probably didn't even knew he kept telling the truth when he was drunk.

'Yes. Why, do you want a drink?'

'Maybe I just will,' and we were walking to the last bus. When that one arrived and the girls went in, I sat next to Edward for one more time.

I might be able to force him to drink two more glasses. At least he would forget about everything, if what he was saying was true. Since he was saying the truth, why should he lie about that?

'I love you. I love you even more than my car,' he said. I had to laugh at that.

'You really are drunk. Look at me,' I said, and he looked up, 'I'm Bella. Not Tanya or Jessica. You don't love me. It's the alcohol, stupid idiot,' I said. It was all so funny the way I was able to offend him and he didn't even realize it. And his face was hilarious because he was very confused. He didn't understand a bit and tomorrow he will forget about this. I hope.

'I know you aren't Tanya or Jessica. You are Bella.'

'That's right. Do you need applause?' He finally understood.

'I love you.' I looked at him. 'Bella,' he added.

'You can't possibly love me, alright? So stop saying it. Ever since we met, you've been an ass. Completely mean and it seems like you like seeing me dead.'

'Where did you get that idea?' he asked.

'Too bad you didn't choke. Does that ring any bells? And then you nearly drowned me! You have it in you to drown a person! To kill someone and I don't understand how Emmett, who saved me, is your family, and how your father, a doctor who saves human lives, is family of you either. You never even pretended liking me.'

I was so furious at him. He was just embarrassing himself this way. I really hope he forgets everything after twelve drinks.

'Now you think I'm a murderer. I never knew you drowned. It was supposed to be a harmless accident. A little fun with Jessica. After I kicked you, you felt and I turned around to walk away. When I was out of the water, Emmett asked me where you were. But before I could have answered, he was already running in to the water and he pulled out your not moving body. I was so confused. You weren't supposed to drown. Emmett told me you fainted, but how was I supposed to know that would have happened? And I didn't mean it when I said it was too bad you didn't choke. Really. I was an idiot and I shouldn't have said it.'

He was such an awful person and a great actor. Did he think I would just forgive him?

'You are a sad excuse for a human being. Was that some kind of an apology? Not accepted. It was a poor attempt and even the most foolest person would have noticed. How were you supposed to know I would have fainted? Let's start with not kicking me into the water. Or is that you having fun with Jessica, messing around with the new kid? You and Jessica want me to choke to death. Well, let me tell you something, at that moment, you weren't the only ones! What you do is hate me and that's what you'll always do. So quit messing around with my head!' I finished.

'Bella...' he started. I was wondering what he was thinking. He was looking very sad, pained and I guess also shameful. He should feel that way because this was all on him. He didn't say anything anymore. The bus stopped and from here it was a five minutes' walk. I started to walk faster because I wasn't in the mood for Edward anymore.

'Excuse me, young man. Are you drunk?' someone asked behind me.

'Me? No!' Edward said. Sigh. I was too good. When I die, I deserve to go to heaven. I turned around to face hell.

'He's with me. I'm sorry, I thought he was walking right behind me,' I told the police man.

'You better watch him. Drunken boys can be very dangerous and willing.'

'Yeah, I know, but I bite,' I said, turning around and letting Edward lean a little against me. We finally made it to the hotel and Edward sat on one of the chairs.

'Edward, get up. You can't stay here. Edward, really get up. Edward!' I said. The alcohol was starting to do its work now. I hope Emmett or Jasper was in this building. I searched for Edward's mobile, and it was in his pocket. That seemed to get his attention though and he pulled my face up as if to kiss me. 'Let go!' and I slapped his face. He was struggling to get up again and I quickly searched for the number I needed. Emmett. The phone rang three times.

'Emmett,' I heard from the other side.

'Hi, Emmett, it's Bella. You might want to get down,' I said.

'What? Are you down?'

'Yes, and since I'm being such a nice person, I'd better finish the job properly.'

'What?'

'Just come down,' I said and hung up. 'Here, take your phone.' Edward stood up and came closer to me. 'Stay where you are! I mean it, Edward.' He was walking faster now and I kept walking back until I felt my back hit the wall.

'Come on, Bella. You just tried to kiss me. Don't pretend you don't want to try again,' he said.

'You are the most confusing person I've ever met. Or maybe now it's just the alcohol,' I said and he was very close now. Without warning, he came forward and just barely touched my lips before I punched his face with my fist. He fell on his back and I saw blood on his face. No! No blood!

'Bella, nice punch!' Emmett said from beside me.

'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause blood. Emmett, he's bleeding.'

'So? Why did you punch him?'

'He tried to kiss me. I'm so sorry,' I apologized again.

'Stop that, Bella. He shouldn't kiss girls that don't want him to kiss them. Besides, I've punched him a few times myself and I caused a lot more blood than you did.'

'Why did you punch him that hard?' I asked shocked.

'I'll tell you another day. So what was Edward doing with you?'

'To make a long story short, I needed someone to get back from the city and I found Edward, but it turned out he was drunk and I brought him back. Could you just bring him upstairs so my job here is done?'

'Sure, just one more thing. What did you mean on the telephone? About being a nice person and finishing the job properly?'

'I wanted to leave him at the last bus station, but a police officer stopped him. I turned around and told the officer Edward was with me. Believe me, I wanted to leave him there. Especially after he said...' I stopped. This was Emmett I was talking to.

'Tell me what he said, Bella. Because then I can finish the job properly and make sure he has two black eyes and more blood spilled.'

'No! Don't do that, that's horrible! He _just_ said that he loves me and it made me mad, that's all. I just hate it when people say shit just to... say it. I'm not stupid and I'm not dumb. He hasn't been the nicest person and I don't understand why he kept saying he loves me and makes sad excused to make up for drowning me and wanting me to choke to death.'

Emmett was suddenly very mad looking. No, why was I suddenly so talk active?

'Bella. I'm gonna make sure he gets what he deserves. And I can assure you something like this will never happen again. The only thing I regret about you punching him is that I didn't come here in time to punch him myself.'

I stared at him in big eyes. 'No, Emmett, I didn't mean what I said! Don't hurt him!'

'Bella, why do you defend him? I can't believe I have to call him my brother. There was a time, I would have done it proudly, but now I'm just downright ashamed of him. Why, Bella?'

'I just don't want anyone getting there assed kicked because of me! I hate it when people use violence! I just hate it. I'm not defending him. I'm defending myself. Emmett, he'll know I'm the reason you punched him. I don't want him to hurt me even more!'

Emmett shook his head and suddenly smiled. 'Alright, Bella. But you should know that I don't see him,' he pointed at the body on the floor, 'as my brother anymore. What he did to you has gone over the limit. I don't see how he could ever make that up again.'

I noticed Edward's phone in my hand and gave it to Emmett. 'It's Edward's phone,' I said.

'Keep it,' he smirked. I rounded my eyes at him.

'Are you crazy? I can't keep his phone!'

'Hey, I don't know of nothing and nobody else knows.'

'Edward does,' I said

'You think he's going to remember any of this?'

'Yes, he drank ten drinks and he told me he forgets everything the next day when he drinks twelve drinks,' I explained.

'I know that, Bella, but if he drank ten, he wouldn't have collapsed here. He must have at least drunk fifteen.'

'Fifteen? Are you sure,' I asked. I really hope he was right.

'Absolutely positive. So take his cell phone. I won't tell him, even if I'm tortured,' he said, winking.

I nodded my head. 'Are you going to take him up yet? His face is very bloody.' I hope he was still alive.

He walked to a vase and took out the flowers. He went to Edward and threw the water over his head.

'Emmett!' I said. Emmett just laughed and put the vase back. Edward woke up and Emmett pulled him up by his arm.

'Come on, you crazy brother of mine,' he said. He had to walk to same way as me, but didn't say anything. Edward was in a doze. When the elevator brought us up and our roads split, Emmett said, 'Thank you, Bella. I own you one. And Edward owns you two, for being stupid and drunk.'

'No worries,' I called back.

Back in my room I wanted to look through Edwards phone and find out about every of his secrets. But instead, I put it on my nightstand and fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N: **I hope you liked. It's 0:19 a.m. and I'm going to sleep. But first I'm gonna add this chapter! Course you've already just finished it x)

I'm sorry, I get a little crazy when I'm tired. I really need sleep now. Bye.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

* * *

_It's much easier to make people cry than to make them laugh ~ Vivien Leigh_

* * *

**Drunk/acting/sober**

I woke up by something in the middle of the night. With sleepy eyes I saw a light on the nightstand and realized it was Edward's phone making all the noise. I just let it go until the other person hung up. But then it made more noise. Why can't people let each other alone in the middle of the night? I didn't want to open his cell phone and shut it down. I just wouldn't want someone else messing around with my phone and even though it's Edward we are talking about, I still don't want to see what he has in his phone. But it was four a.m. and I really wanted to sleep.

I opened his phone and I quickly shut down his phone. His background photo was a picture of Emmett, Alice and Jasper. That was all I had seen and all that I would see!

I woke up at seven thirty and it was Saturday so I quickly took a shower, took my diary and went downstairs. James had to work until three, but I usually sat there and sometimes I was able to go on the internet. I was the only one there, which didn't surprise me, because most people probably had a hangover. I never had one, but I suppose hangovers really were bad.

_24-07-2010_

_Dear Diary_

_I just woke up. I have Edward's phone and I really deserve to get to go to heaven. Not only did I not look in his phone, but I also saved him from a police officer and I brought him back to the hotel last night. Why? I still don't know the answer. Maybe he's on some kind of pills, because he had such a strange attitude.  
I think he said I was sweet in the second bus. I told him not to say things he didn't mean. Oh yeah, there were these guys in the bus, watching me. He said he should kill them, but I tried to make him believe they might be gay and that they liked him. He didn't buy it... Because they weren't really gay._

_Anyway, he was really drunk last night. He tried to smoke in the bus, but I stopped him. Then he said he didn't like me and that I'm mean, but after I said I don't like him either, he said he did like me. What really confused me, was when he said he wanted to ask me out. He said that my boyfriend had said he would be busy with me all night. I suppose he meant James, but he could have meant anyone, right? I've been spending a lot of time with Mike, Tyler and Eric too. He was an idiot, he actually said that I don't look like the drinking type and that the drinking type looks like himself._

_He put his arm around me and when I told him that's not necessary, he said that the boys were wondering if Edward was my boyfriend and that putting his arm around me would take away their doubts. Why would he want to delude those guys into something he is not? Isn't that strange?_

_I suppose I shouldn't tell him I was already attack by a drunken boy and that I had to bite him until I tasted blood so he would let go of me._

_He said he could read lips... So I'd better be careful now I knew that fact._

_And he has alcohol in his room. Can you believe it? Well, I guess you can…_

_He said he loves me, that he loves me even more than his car. Then he said again that he loves me, but added my name on it. He said it three times. And I hate it. Nobody has ever said that to me and the first time I heard it, it's a drunken guy that can't even remember. A drunken guy that wants me dead._

_He tried some poor attempt of explaining me that he didn't want me dead and that he's not a murderer. He said he walked away when I was in the water and hadn't realized I was still in it. Can that be true? I really hope so. Or else it really was an attempt of murder._

_I left him then because we were at the bus stop and I knew the way back to the hotel. But a police officer stopped Edward and I couldn't really leave him. It was in the middle of the night and he probably didn't have any ID. I could have left him there. It would have served him right._

_Emmett helped me out a little. I am grateful for that. I had to use Edward's phone to call him. He didn't mind that I had punched Edward, he said it was actually a good thing, because Edward shouldn't be kissing girls that don't want to be kissed. I think Emmett isn't even that bad. I do think it's a bad thing of him to say that he doesn't see Edward as his brother anymore. You can't quit being related to somebody. I had seen them together, laughing the way siblings are supposed to do. Now Edward made a mistake by trying to kiss me and Emmett didn't see him as a brother and it was kind of my fault._

_I did tell Emmett about Edward saying he loves me. Was that a mistake? By the way, Emmett let me keep Edward's phone. So now I'm waiting to give it back to him._

_I'm sorry I wrote so much, but it's like if I don't write this down, it will all stay in my head and explode._

_Bella_

Now that I had written everything on paper, one hour had already passed. I went back to my room to put my diary back on the table and to take Edward's phone.

I wanted to give Edward back his phone, but if I do that, he's going to ask how I got it. I could also just give it to Emmett and ask him if he wants to give it back. Emmett was my safe choice. He and Jasper came downstairs early.

'Bella. How did you sleep or were you to busy calling China?' he said, grinning. Jasper laughed too. So he knew I had Edward's phone. 'Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I told Jasper.' I just shook my head, because it was predictable.

It was a weird family. It seems like the one doesn't like the other, but the other one does have his brothers and sister on the background of his phone. Or maybe it's a complicated family.

'Could you give him his phone back?' I handed it to Emmett.

'This fast already? Really, Jasper's and my lips are sealed.'

'I just don't want it.'

'Why don't you give it back. Maybe you could have some fun while you're giving it back,' Emmett said.

'Like what? Tell him I went through his whole phone or that I caused high bills because I called China? I'm not looking out for revenge, Emmett.'

'He's coming,' Jasper said. I was still extending Edward's phone and Emmett and Jasper whispered quickly, 'See ya,' and they ran off.

'Cowards!' I yelled at their backs and they left the hotel.

'Bella!' I turned around and Edward was holding his head with both of his hands. 'Could you keep your voice down?'

'You shouldn't drink so much.'

'How did you know I drank too much?' he asked suspiciously.

'It's pretty obvious you're hangover,' I lied and for the first time he believed my lie. He looked at my hand and saw his phone in it.

'Is that mine?' he asked angrily. 'Because mine is lost.'

'Yes, I found it yesterday.'

'And what? Instead of giving it back to me, you decided to keep it for a while?'

'You don't know what you're talking about!'

He grabbed his phone and looked at it. 'And what the hell have you done to make the battery go empty? Did you have your fun?'

'I didn't do anything. Last night it went off and that's why I shut it down.'

'You are such a liar. You wouldn't know if it was mine unless you watched through it,' I stared at him with an open mouth.

'For real? Seriously! In the plane, you were right every time I lied. But right now I am telling you the truth! How can you not see that? I didn't do anything with your phone!'

He was busy with his phone, probably turning it on. 'The battery is almost empty. How do you explain that?'

'I really have no idea, because I haven't touched the damn thing!'

'You haven't touched it?' he quirked an eyebrow.

'Damn it, you know what I mean!'

'I know what this is. This is your way of seeking attention. Girl, there are other ways to get a guys attention.'

'Fuck you! You don't know what happened last night!'

My eyes were stinging because I was so angry at him. And he had made me curse. He was saying bullshit. I should have let him there last night for the police officer. I was walking fast trying so hard not to cry over something so stupid and I took the stairs to go back to my room. I had helped him and I was kind to him, but I got shit back. When I had to take the turn, someone grabbed my arm and brought me the other way. Why did he follow me?

'Let go of me, Edward!' He was walking so fast, I almost tripped. 'Please walk slower.' He did slow down. At least he listened. He opened a door and we went through it. It was his room and probably Emmett's and Jasper's to. He locked the door and let go of me. He went to the bed to sit on it. I leaned my back against the door.

'And you know?'

'Know what?' I asked confused and angry.

'What happened last night?'

'No,' I lied.

'Who broke my nose?' he asked. My eyes widened and I had I no idea I broke his nose. I turned around and tried to open the door. 'Bella, just tell me.' I slowly turned around and I was slightly panicked.

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but you didn't listen and it wasn't meant to break. I'm sorry.' I tried to escape again.

'You?' he asked incredulous. He started to laugh. He wasn't mad at me?

'Then I have another question.' He stood up and came to stand in front of me. He wiped away the tears that I didn't know had fallen. 'Should I leave it this way or shall I go to a doctor so it's straight again.' I looked at is his nose and it was slightly bend.

I dropped my eyes. I had done that. He should let it fix. I wouldn't want his nose to be crooked because of me, but he was already talking again.

'So, Bella. What did I do to deserve this?'

'Ask Emmett,' I mumbled.

'Why don't you tell me? You say I didn't listen. I want to know what I did.' He turned to stand next to me. 'Although I can guess.'

'No,' I said. He seemed very troubled about saying something.

'Bella, could you just tell me so I could give you a proper apology?'

'That's why you're doing this? You don't need to apologize. It doesn't matter to me.'

'It matters to me.'

'Why?'

'Bella...' I looked up at his face and it was a mixture of annoyance, irritation and anger.

'Edward,' I just said his name, because he had said mine. He sighed.

'You are such a difficult girl.' Difficult? A few weeks ago I was easy. 'You really are,' he said after seeing my incredulous face.

'Right. Can I go now?'

'No,'

'Why?'

'You still haven't told me what you know.'

'Can't you just apologize and forget about it.'

'I would like to know what I'm apologizing for.'

'I will know.'

'Yes, but I won't!'

'You still haven't told me why it matters to you. Can't we call it even?'

'Alright,' he said.

'Alright?' I smiled. 'Can you open the door now?'

'Alright, I'll tell you why it matters to me,' he said.

Oh.

'You, Bella, you didn't turn out to be who I thought you would be. I had an idea, but you were different. I don't want you to think bad things of me. That's why it matters to me.' I looked at him for a second with an open mouth and when he didn't say anything anymore, I scowled at him.

'That's not good enough. I didn't understand a thing you just said. Did you even understand?'

He sank through his knees until he was sitting on the floor.

'Did I kiss you?'

'No,'

I looked down and I saw he rolled his eyes.

'Did I almost kiss you?'

'Yes,'

'It seems like you are faster than me. My nose really hurt when I woke up. It was worse than the hangover.'

'Are you stupid? You were drunk. Drunken people always are slow.' Oh, why did I have to call him stupid? I was still having some strange idea that he was drunk, and drunken Edward didn't realize every offense I threw at him.

'Bella, what else?'

I started biting me lip. I could tell him about him confessing fake feelings. He probably said those three words to every girl when he was drunk. Maybe he even had had said it to a few boys. So that would do no good to anyone and will probably will only cause harm to me.

'Really nothing of importance.' He was looking at me and he knew that he had done more but that I wouldn't spill it. It was clear on his face expression.

'Alright,' he said again and pulled on my hand. I looked down and he was watching me.

'I'm sorry, Bella. I was drunk and I don't know how I got back to the hotel without making the neighborhood dangerous or being caught by a police officer. Although I can guess this one too. You're not going to tell me, are you? So I can thank you.'

I shook my head.

'Are you scared of me?' he suddenly asked.

'What? No!' I said quickly.

He stood up and was the taller one now.

'Good.' He didn't look convinced at all.

'I'm not,'

He had to laugh at that.

'Because, after all, you are left here all for my mercy.'

'You won't do anything.' Of that I was sure.

'You seem very convincing. Why?'

'You wouldn't attack me after putting so much effort into getting me to say what you did to me last night so you can apologize and thank me.' I was glad I didn't stutter at that tall sentence.

'Clever. Maybe it wasn't so much effort for me.' Oh, he's right. He's an actor of course.

'I'll never know.' Why didn't he let me go already? I could sue him for locking me in a room I didn't want to be in.

'Maybe I just like fooling around with you.'

He came to stand closer to me. He kept watching me and I eyed him carefully. Was there still alcohol in his system? His eyes dropped to my lip and he did that on purpose, because when he looked up, he smiled a little devilishly. Jerk.

'I'll scream,' I said, getting a little scared though.

'Just kidding, Bella. I'm not fooling around with you. You are great...,' he stopped talking. I knew he hadn't ended the sentence, because of the way he said it. What did he want to say? Great what? But instead, he changed it by just saying, 'You are great.' He smiled. 'I'm sorry for last night and thank you for bringing me back. And don't try and pretend you didn't.'

He had his saying but I was still wondering if he thought I lied about him thinking I had watched through his phone.

'I really didn't do anything with your phone, except turning it off.'

'Yes, I know. I'm sorry about saying that too. I know you're not the kind to seek attention.'

'And what does an attention seeker look like?' I asked, almost the same question I asked last night. He smiled again.

'A stupid strawberry slut?' Was he mocking me? 'I really am sorry.'

'Let me guess? You didn't mean it and you shouldn't have said it? You did.'

'Still. I hurt you,' he said. 'All I heard when I got downstairs was that you said revenge and coward to Jasper and Emmett.'

'I said I wasn't looking out for revenge,' I murmured.

'I believe you now, though I should have believed you immediately.'

'Right. Can I go now?' I asked, getting back to the point. Leaving.

He unlocked the door, but didn't open it yet.

'I see it's hard for you to believe me and I don't blame you.'

'I really don't understand you, Edward. I hope you understand yourself.' I opened the door, since he wasn't about to. I looked at his nose one more time. 'And Edward, get your nose fixed.'

He did a crooked smile and it made him look so handsome. Bella! Get that thought out of your head. I was standing in the door way and I only didn't walk because his smile was still on his lips. When I looked at his eyes, of course he had caught me on staring at his smile. Shit, he's a guy. He probably thinks I looked at his lips and that I wanted to kiss him. Shit, shit! How do I straight that up? I was just looking at your charming smile... Ha-ha. I'd rather run naked through New York than say that out loud to him.

I walked out of his room and he followed me.

'What are you doing today?'

'I might go to the city with James, I'm still not sure.'

'What time?'

'After three,'

'Are you doing anything now?'

'No,'

'You now are, come on,'

'What do you mean?' I asked.

We went downstairs with the elevator.

'I just made plans for you,'

'See, there's the problem. I didn't accept the plans. And I don't know about the plans.' He rolled his eyes.

'Come on,' he said, opening the door and letting me go through it first. I didn't go though and he sighed and went through it first. I followed. I have no idea where he was going. I was walking behind him. After five minutes of walking I asked, 'Where are we going?'

He didn't turn around, but called back, 'You're still following me? Stalker.'

I stopped dead in my tracks. Was this guy for real? Edward turned around and he was laughing.

'Joke, Bella. Why don't you laugh more often?'

When I didn't say anything, he walked over to me.

'Maybe you just don't like my jokes.'

'No, it's not that,'

'Then what?' I thought it would be better to just go with the truth. What would it hurt?

'I never know if you're joking or serious. And I don't trust you. I'm going back,' and I made a turn.

'No, you don't.' He took hold of my arm to stop me and turn me around. 'I want to show you something.'

'First tell me what it is.'

'Then it's not a surprise anymore.'

'I don't like surprises. I never know how to act.'

'Act? You can't act. You can't even make a convinced lie.' He was true, but it still sort of hurt to hear him say it like that. Just because he was a great convincer, didn't mean he should rub my bad attempts of lying under my nose.

We were walking again. I was wondering why he wanted to show me something in the first place. We had been walking for twenty minutes now and I suddenly realized there weren't any other people around us. Was this even a part of New York?

'Is this going to end with "And she was found back, dead and bruised, in the woods"?'

'No,' he laughed. 'Though, you just gave me an idea.'

I stopped again, a little shocked. Edward kept on walking.

'Joke, Bella. We're almost there.'

'That's not funny, Edward,' I said, raising my voice so he would hear. He wasn't laughing himself, so why did he call it a joke? He think that if I'm dead and bruised, that that is a joke?

I started walking again, but kept my distance. Maybe I should turn around and run fast. Get away from him and his crazy mind.

'You're still behind me, aren't you?'

I didn't say anything.

'Or am I talking to myself?'

...

'Bellaaaaa! You left me!'

He had stopped walking and I walked past him. He had me doubting his sanity. I watched his face and shook my head. I think he was acting or something.

'Bellaaaaa! You're still here. You didn't leave me!' He grabbed me and lifted me until my feet weren't touching the ground anymore and made a spin.

'Wow, Edward, put me down,' I screamed. He put me down. 'What are you doing, practicing your acting?'

'You like?' he asked.

'No,'

He put his hand on his hearth and pretended to be hurt. 'Bella, how can you say that? I can't believe... you actually... no... my heart... it's breaking...'

He was really good, even though I had to admit it. I think he could actually make it as an actor.

'Do you want to be an actor later?'

'No,' he said, stopping his act. 'I want to be a doctor.' He was serious. I had to laugh at that. A very mean doctor. A murderer as a doctor. Alright, he hadn't really committed a murder, but still. He wouldn't even pass the tests.

'That wasn't a joke. What's so funny?'

'Nothing,' I laughed at my own inside joke.

'But Bella!' He was acting again. He grabbed my shoulders and looked astonished. 'I _have_ to know what made you laugh like that! I've been trying _so_ hard since we got out the hotel!' He was also exaggerating, but that actually made it more fun. 'You. Didn't. Laugh.' At every word he gave me a soft shake. 'Bella, you didn't laugh!' I was laughing again, but this time at him and I couldn't stop. I shouldn't let him know he was making me laugh, though.

'Maybe you shouldn't try so hard,'

'Smart Bella, of course! You are right. Why didn't I think of that? I could kiss you!'

'No you don't,' and I quickly put a step away from him. 'You can stop acting now.'

'You like it now?'

'It's not bad...' I said nonchalantly.

'I made you laugh,' he said satisfied.

'You've made me cry more often,' and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand, but the words had already slipped. It was just that we were talking so fast and the talking was so easy, that I kept forgetting this was Edward next to me and I hadn't forgiven him. I turned around with still my hand covering my mouth, so I didn't have to face him. But Edward ignored what I had just said.

'We have to go up here.'

'Where?' I asked, still feeling stupid at myself.

'This ladder,' and he was already climbing.

'No! Are you mad?'

He looked down and the look on his face confirmed my doubt.

'Come on, Bella.'

'I said no,'

He was almost up now and when he went over the step, he disappeared.

'Edward!'

Nothing.

'Where are you?' I touched the ladder to see if it was stable.

'Edward, where are you!' I yelled.

'Eaten by the clouds.'

'Edward!'

'I'm up here, where do you think I am?'

I tried to go up the stupid ladder. I didn't want to be alone down there. When I was up, Edward looked at me.

'You took your time,'

'Shut up,'

'Glad to have you back,'

'You never had me,'

'Don't take it quite so literally,'

I was up now and looked around. We were on the roof of a building.

'What kind of a dump is this? Can we go?'

'You can. I'm staying,'

'How very kind of you,' I said sarcastically. 'This place freaks me out. How am I supposed to get back?'

'You fly, of course!' he said with a huge smile on his face. I stared at him with an open mouth again. Wasn't that what Peter Pan said?

'Right. I don't know anything about alcohol, but is there any chance that you still have it in you?'

'No,' he said, as if it was obvious. 'You know, it's very quiet here. It reminds me of a village and that while we're in New York city!' That reminded me that he was here because of me.

'At least your car is intact.'

'Oh, I don't mind being here, not anymore. But sometimes I don't mind to be in a quiet place. It gives me a chance to clear my mind. No one knows about this place.' But he just showed me? Why would he show me his quiet place?

'But now I do?' I asked confused. 'Why did you show me?'

'I wanted to show you something that only you will know, besides myself. It's like a big sorry and thank you. If you ever need a quiet place, you know where to go. I must have been awful to you last night when I was drunk.'

'You were less awful.'

'Then when I'm sober?' he laughed.

'I didn't say that.'

'But it's what you meant,' and he winked. I turned my head away from his. 'I know what I've been like since we've met and I hope you didn't let me get to you.'

'I'm tougher than I look,' I said. 'You can't bring me down that fast. I just don't understand you.'

He had had hurt me a lot. And when I think about it, it hurts me again. But I wouldn't tell him. I'm glad he believed the lie.

'No one does,' he replied.

'No one understands you? Maybe an explanation will help.'

'Maybe,'

'There's only one way to find out.' He looked a little troubled.

'How?'

'Give an explanation,' I replied simply. 'But you have to understand the explanation yourself first. You have to understand yourself too.'

'So you're saying I should give an explanation? About myself and my acts?'

'Yes, but only if you understand it and if you understand yourself,' I said, repeating what I just said.

'What if I decide I don't give an explanation?'

'I think it will eventually cause you harm.'

'I'm fine,'

'Not now. Maybe not next year. But some day. I really think you should talk to your brothers and sister. You really wouldn't want to lose your siblings and all of your friends. They will surprise you, when they leave. It will go so fast and that sucks and hurts.'

'Is that what happened to you? You didn't give an explanation and then you were abandoned by your friends?' Why did the conversation turn to me?

'No! It's just common.'

'It seems like you know what you're talking about. And I should follow your advice. But really, Bella, you make it sound so easy.'

'I don't. It's as easy as you want it to be.' All those hours with my psychiatrist made me know what I was talking about.

He didn't say anything anymore after that and I found a place to sit. Edward came to sit next to me. Why did he keep doing that? He put his head in his hands and I had to smile. He was in pain. It's not like I enjoy other people's pain, but he deserved some pain.

He had caught me smiling. 'Don't tell me you like seeing me in pain.' Why did he have to be so smart? It was as if he could read my mind, but he was probably just a great observer.

'Depends. Your nose or your head?'

'My head hurts a lot.' I laughed some more.

'Then yes, I like seeing you in pain.'

'But my nose is killing me,' he said. I stopped laughing and my eyes widened. He laughed a bit devilish. 'Well, she has a conscience!'

'No, it's not what you think,' I mumbled and blushed a little. He laughed again, probably because of my blush. I turned my head around, so he wouldn't see it.

'Strike two,' he whispered in my ear. I turned around and I gave him a punch in his shoulder. He didn't look hurt at all. Stupid ass was counting.

'Well, don't count on a strike three,' I said.

He had to laugh at that and leaned back until he lied on his back.

'Besides, I had a right to punch you last night. Or else you would have kissed me and not remembered. I did you a favor, you know. And I saved myself from a trauma.'

I looked a little surprised when I had said that to him. I actually told him that it would be a trauma if he kissed me.

'You really shouldn't have said that. Now I want to prove you the opposite. Actually all girls I've kissed, asked for more.' He was shaking his head with an incredulous smile on his face.

'I'm glad to be the exception,' I said. 'So you should change it to: "Almost all girls asked for more,"' and this time I gave him a wink because I actually felt great about saying that to this boy that thought he was perfect. Alright, he was very smart, knew what I was thinking, caught me on most of my smiles... alright, shut up, Bella.

Whaaa! My head was working again. Crazy Bella just winked! Don't wink at Edward Cullen, the mean boy that's crazy!

'All girls,' he said and he sat again and leaned closer to me. I narrowed my eyes at him. I leaned back, but he just followed.

'Kiss me and I'll bite off your tongue.' He quickly drew back and looked surprised.

'Not so charming, Bella.'

'Like I said,' I stood up, 'just saving myself from a trauma. Another.'

'I already said sorry about last night. And you're not going anywhere,' he said, getting up himself too.

'Seems like you need this place more than I do. Clear your head.'

'I'll manage. You stay. Enjoy the silence.'

'What? I'm not staying here!'

'Yes, you are. Maybe you'll start liking it here more once I'm gone.' And he walked away and disappeared again.

Silence.

I walked a big circle and inspected everything. The view, the roof, the birds. It was so quiet here. I had never been in the country, but I guess it would be like this. The sun was shining and I took off my vest. I had a top underneath it and I lay in the sun and closed my eyes.

'Bella, wake up,' someone said. My eyes flew open. Two green eyes were watching me and I was lying on the ground. I quickly tried to sit up but Edward's hands prevented me by putting them on my shoulders. 'You've been here so long. I thought you'd be gone by now.'

'Oh yeah, I fell asleep. What time is it?'

'It's... time to kiss you,' and he leaned forward. His lips were touching mine and I screamed.

My eyes flew open again and Edward was gone.

He. Even. Haunted. Me. In. My. Dreams.

Oh my God. I can't even call that a dream. That's a nightmare in its worst form. I put my head in my hands and tried to get rid of the awful images in my head. He even tried to kiss me in my dreams. Why didn't leave me alone? The skumbag.

Wait. How long has it been? Please don't let it be three o'clock. I didn't want to let James wait for me. I took my vest and went to the scary ladder. Once I was down, I started walking fast and at the hotel I saw it was already after four.

'Bella,' I heard many voices call me once I opened the hotel door. I looked around and I realized I had heard Tanya, Emmett, Edward and James. Of course I went to James. Tanya was practically leaning against Edward. Why did she call me? I didn't dare to look at Edward. He had just kiss me in my dream and it was his fault.

'Where have you been?'

'I'm sorry, I was out and I had wandered off. I had lost track of time.'

'That's alright, Bella, no worries.' And he gave me a hug. 'But I have to work now, because my boss needed someone extra and I said yes.'

'Okay, I'll go to my room. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'No, tomorrow I'm busy, but I'll see you next week.'

'Alright then,' I said and I went to my room. I glanced back to see the other people that had called me. Tanya had a blank expression, Emmett just waved and Edward was smiling about something. He gave me a nod and he started to run to the stairs. What was his problem? The elevator came and I stepped in. When the doors opened again, Edward scared me by appearing right in front of me.

'You scared me!' I quickly walked past him. I felt horrible about that dream. It was as if he had done it for real.

'Were you there all time?' he asked.

'No,' and I saw he rolled his eyes.

'I fell asleep and the sun was shining...'

'I'm glad you liked it. Now I actually have to share the place with you,' he said.

'Oh, it's not like I will be going there again.'

'We'll see,' he said. I saw his nose was straight again.

'You're nose is better again,'

'It still hurts, nothing is better,'

'I mean straight.'

'Yeah, I understood you,' he said, smiling. 'I went to a doctor. It's kind of awful to tell a doctor a girl broke your nose.'

'You probably weren't the first. Is that any comfort?'

'No,' and he wanted to say more, but I quickly interrupted.

'I'm going to my room. Bye.'

When I was there, I picked my diary for the second time that day.

_24-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Today I practically spend the day with Edward! Edward is in my head, Edward is in my dreams and Edward is around me for real. Edward! Edward! I'm sorry, I just can't believe it. And I can't understand. Because I was only supposed to give him back his phone, but he dragged me to his room so he'd know what stupidity he did last night! I don't know why he tried so hard to say sorry. What can it matter to him? Maybe he just thinks I'll tell about him to his dad about not doing his job? I already told him I wouldn't. Maybe I should say it again so he doesn't have to doubt anymore. He's only saving his car. _

_Then he brought me to a creepy place that turned out to be great. Not as if I'm going to say to him. But then that has to be spoiled by a scary Edward that appeared in my dream and kisses me. I woke up screaming. Although I'm not sure I screamed in my dream or out loud. Maybe both._

_I know he doesn't want to spend time with me voluntarily. There isn't any doubt there. He's just an actor. He pretends not hating me. He hates me._

_Also, I think I've lost more weight because of all the walking I did today. It would really help to have a scale though, that way I know for sure._

_Bella_

_25-07-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've been walking outside for two hours and then I did some more exercises in my room. It makes me feel much better._

_I've been thinking about yesterday. Edward said it matters to him. I told him it didn't matter to me. He explained about why it matters to him, though it wasn't a very understandable explanation, but he never asked me why it didn't matter to me. Well... I've made a list:_

_1. I wouldn't believe him in the first place (no trust).  
2. He would only say it for other purposes (such as me not telling about him to his dad and so he wouldn't lose his car).  
3. He has done things more worse where he hasn't apologized for (even though I can't see the point, because he had done them with joy).  
4. What does an apology do after all? Things have been said. Acts have been done. You can't regret them, because at some point, you wanted to say or do them.  
5. He eventually did kiss me, in my dream. And that's his fault. Because he tried once when he was drunk, once when he was acting (well, that was just saying: "I could kiss you" but still) and two times when he was sober. The sober ones were in his room and on the roof. He stopped after my warnings (scream and bite tongue off). Anyway, his almost-kisses were so much in my head, that eventually 'dream Edward' kissed me and I couldn't stop him._

_The fifth reason doesn't really count, I know. At least not at that moment, when we had the talk, because I dreamt that after we had the talk in his room. But it counts now, so who gives a shit? Because, in the end... the fifth reason was the worst of all._

_I can live with not believing him.  
I can live with him just apologizing to make sure I wouldn't say anything.  
I can live with the fact he has made my life a misery.  
I just can't handle seeing a dream where I'm being kissed by Edward. What's wrong with me? I always thought dreams are like images you see because you want them to see. They're after all images that are in your head. So you've created them. But why the Hell had I done that? I didn't want to see that and I definitely don't believe that anymore. So dreams aren't things you want to see. They appear and you can't control what you see. Yeah, that's what I believe now. Uncontrollable images._

_Diary, I would trade that dream to anything._

_Bella_

_25-07-2010  
11 p.m._

_Dear Diary,_

_I forgot to add one kiss. I mean almost-kiss. An almost-sober-kiss. On 12-07-2010. The one that caused me to get a panic attack in an airplane._

_That one sucked the most._

_Bella_

* * *

**A/N: **A lot of Edward in this chapter. Do we like him this far or not? Course he's still all mysterious and not a friend of Bella, but a foe.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer's characters

**A/N: **This is a sad chapter. Either like it or not :) I'd go with the first =)

* * *

**Flash**

**Week 3**

That's weird. My jeans are a bit loose. I still feel fat. Did the jeans get bigger?

James was nowhere to be found. I went to one of the other workers.

'Is James working today?'

'Didn't he tell you? He's gone for two weeks. Said something had come up,' the boy replied.

'Oh. Yes, he told me. I just... forgot,' I said and turned around. Gone for two weeks and he didn't even tell me. I felt so down. I looked up at the bar and a few seats next to me I saw Edward was sitting with Jessica and Tanya. Emmett and Jasper were sitting very far away, so they hadn't heard anything. I hadn't seen Alice in a long time. Maybe she really liked to be here and was constantly outside.

'What do you want from James?' Tanya suddenly asked. I scowled at her and found it weird that she actually asked me a normal question.

'We've been hanging out together, that's all,' I replied.

'Hanging out? Are you kidding me? Who would want to hang around with you?' Tanya asked.

'You know, Bella, I couldn't live the life you're living. I would kill myself,' Jessica said while studying her nail. Edward turned around to look at her.

'You know, Jessica, I could say the same about yours,' I said, but Jessica was thinking, so maybe she didn't understand what I had just said. Edward looked at me and he rolled his eyes. What did that mean? Was it because of my reply? Did he think it's stupid? Then he winked at me. I dropped my eyes and when I quickly looked up at him, he winked again. This time I blushed and he looked pleased. I quickly went to my room.

'Where are you going, Edward?' Tanya called. I took the stairs and I saw Edward had gotten up. Was he coming after me? I started to run fast up the stairs and ran through the hall. I took the turn right and kept running. Someone grabbed my waist to stop me.

'Strike three,' Edward whispered in my ear and laughed.

'Let go of me, you jerk!' I said. He did let go and I went quickly to my room. When I turned around, I saw Edward's back and he just turned around the corner. He had actually run after me. Is he normal?

Whatever, I had to get my thoughts back to James. I would start to exercise. When James was back, I would at least be thinner.

That evening I didn't care about medication. Actually, the following seven days I didn't care. I stayed mainly in my room, exercising.

_01-08-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've been exercising. I've got loads of time and I don't eat much anymore. Not much has happened. I did get two winks from Edward on Monday and blushed. He ran after me to tell me he had made me blush three times. I don't know why I keep blushing over him, it's not like I love him or anything._

_Half of the holiday is over now._

_Bella_

**Week 4**

More exercise. I had forgotten about the pills. Or didn't really care. My jeans were dropping now. I had to go out to buy new ones.

_02-08-2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I found two jeans and they were size four. Size two was too small.  
How much would I weigh now?_

_Bella_

_04-08-2010_

_Today I went to the shops again and I found diet pills. I have never tried them, but there's a first time for everything. Three pots with forty pills per each. You are allowed to take six pills a day. That would mean it would take around a week to finish one pot._

_Bella_

_08-08-2010_

_I have finished one and a half pot already. That means I have taken six pills more a day than is allowed. What could happen?_

_Bella_

**Week 5**

'James,' I called the minute I saw him.

'Bella. My sweet, Bella. I've missed you so much. My thoughts were only about you,' he said. I smiled.

'Really? Where did you have to go?'

'My mother's ill. I had to go to her,'

'It's nothing serious?' I asked, feeling a little guilty for being mad at him.

'No, she's going to be fine. Why are you wearing huge clothes?'

'Oh,' I said. Just hiding my body from the rest of the world. 'Just a habit, I suppose.'

'But, Bella, you look gorgeous. I've been meaning to ask you for a while, but would you like to go on a date?' My face lit up.

'A date? With you? Yes! When?'

'Next Friday? I'm sorry that I can't go any faster, but I've been booked full. I have to work a lot.'

'That's alright, really!' I was so excited. Besides, this gave me some more time to get thinner. 'Do you have to work now?'

'Yes, I'm sorry. But I can't wait until it's Friday,' he said, kissing my forehead. I was a little confused at that, but went to my room and took some more diet pills and got to work.

I trained so hard the following days and bought three more pots of diet pills. Sometimes I had to stop, because I would get so dizzy that I threw up. And sometimes my whole view would be blurring and I couldn't see a thing. That sucked, but I had to be thinner for James.

**Week 6**

'Bella, wait up!' Edward called just before I wanted to go in the lift. I had bought a pair of new jeans. Size two.

'What?' I asked.

'You can't go on a date with James on Friday,' he said. I turned around.

'How do you know? And why?' I asked.

'Just trust me, alright? He's not good for you.'

'Ah, go away,' I said annoyed by him.

'Bella, I mean it. I don't trust him,' he said and ran his hand through his hair.

'Well, I don't trust you, so let's call it even?' The doors of the lift opened and I wanted to get in, but Edward stopped me by grabbing my arm and turn me around.

'No, I'm not calling it even, Bella. You can't go to that date,'

'Leave me alone if that's all you are going to say to me,'

'No, Bella... Just don't... I think you shouldn't...' he sighed and looked me in my eyes. 'Don't do anything stupid.'

'Oh, thank you for the kind tip,' I said, smiling, 'I'm will remember the precious words all through the date.'

'Bella! I am serious. You don't understand.' The lift was coming down.

'Don't stop me again when the lift comes,' I said.

'I am trying to tell you this nicely. But you don't listen. So I am going to spill the words out loud.' The next words he said slowly, yet clearly, 'Don't have sex with James.'

Sex? Does he think that? But then... Carlisle hasn't told him about that day I was at the hospital for the first time. When I made it clear that I don't think anyone wants sex with me. Edward hadn't mocked me about anything weird. So Carlisle hadn't told him and Edward didn't know. But still, who was he to tell me what to do?

'What are you thinking? Besides, what I do and what I don't isn't any of your business. And it's not like I am going to not do something, just because you are telling me not to do it! Leave me alone and get away from!' The doors opened and I went inside. How odd that he'd think that I would have sex with James.

'Stop bothering me!' And I turned around violently, but I got dizzy and fell on the lift floor. Edward bent down and carefully lifted me up. My head was still spinning a lot and I had one of those attacks that I until this far, never had in public. I couldn't really see anything. The lift doors closed and the movement that the lift made, made me nauseating. I quickly put my hands on my mouth and tried hard not to vomit. Edward had been holding me up all the time, but he hadn't said anything. I would have fallen over if he hadn't been holding me. When the lift stopped, he half dragged me out of the lift and put me against the wall. I sank through my knees and sat down until I was feeling better again. When I was having some vision again, I saw Edward was towering above me, looking mad. Always looking mad.

'Look,' I said, getting very unstable on my feet again. 'I know you hate me. I know you want me dead. I know someday you'll probably kill me. But I am not asking you to help me and touch me all the time! I know you are disgusted by me and I know you hate touching me with your hands! Stop helping me, because I won't tell anyone and I won't tell Carlisle about our deal. Your car is fine and you don't have to worry about that anymore! You keep being mad at me. I'm sorry. You must be tired of having to doubt all the time I might tell on you. You must be so tired of me. Well, I'm tired of being me some days.'

I turned to walk to my room and I fell again. Edward didn't catch me and I slowly got up. I tried very hard not to fall again. I didn't look back to see Edward's face. Maybe he had already left.

The following days I kept training until my day would come.

It was Friday now and I was standing in my blue bra and panties, deciding which clothes I should wear. I don't think he likes the big clothes I have. They are all big. I tried on a few outfits and they all seemed boring or ugly.

This was my date with James! I'm going to wear something nice and something he likes.

Would he try and kiss me? They do that on first dates, don't they? Would he mind if I don't want?

I was standing in front of the mirror and I looked at my body. I wasn't skinny enough. I had trained so hard. I did have to buy new jeans again, and this time they were a size two. But still. Why did I keep being fat?

I heard a loud thump and suddenly, 'Surprise, surprise!' and I saw flashes coming from everywhere. I saw Tanya and Jessica and three other girls. They all had photo cameras and they were making pictures of me. I stared at them in horror.

'Hey, bitch, smile for the camera!' Flash.

'Look at that disgusting body!' Flash.

'She looks like a corpse!' Flash.

Flash. Flash.

'You are so pathetic! Did you really think James wants to go out with you?' Flash.

'Instead I had mind blowing sex with him and you, hah, you're probably still a virgin!' Flash.

'James thinks you are ugly, stupid and so boring!' Flash.

No! Not James. They lied. James wouldn't say that. Suddenly he appeared in the doorway.

'James!' I said, 'Tell them to go.'

'Girls, what are you doing to Bella? You silly girls, you are doing it all wrong.'

Why was he being so slow? What did he mean by what he had just said? He took one of the cameras and flashed a photo of me. He showed it to the girls.

'See? That's how it's supposed to be,' and he smiled. All of them started making photo's again. I stared at him with disgust, but despair caught my body and I cried and I ran out of the room.

They were all laughing, but James laughed the hardest and his laughter kept ringing in my ears. It was the worst sound ever. I bumped really hard into somebody and I fell on the ground. I had touched the floor with my face and I felt my cheek bleeding. I was so tired and hurt that I just lay on the floor. I didn't care about this life anymore.

'Bella,' I heard Edward's voice. I didn't look up but he quickly put something around me and placed one hand under my knees and the other on my shoulder. He half ran to his room and put me on his bed. He searched for something and put it against my mouth.

'Drink this.' I don't know what it was, but it tasted weird. I would have spit it out, if Edward's hand hadn't appeared in front of my mouth and rubbed my throat to make me swallow it. I didn't have it in me to fight him off. He made me drink a few more sips.

'Tell me what happened.'

'They're in my room. The photo's... All the...' and I cried in my hands. He dissapeared and when I heard the door close, I shot up. This was my chance now. I went through his stuff, quickly. I couldn't find what I was looking for and thought I might go insane. I kept opening drawers and bags, until I found a pocket knife. Yes. I pulled out the knife and put it on my wrist. Someone opened the door. I looked up and it was Edward with cameras in his hands. No, not him too! I let the knife pierce my skin and open my vein and I screamed in pain.

I think he screamed my name, but it was barely inaudible to me. The knife was in my flesh and I didn't get a chance to get it out and open my other wrist, because Edward had dropped the cameras and was holding my right hand. The left wrist still had the knife in it. I started to cry harder and when I saw Edward's face, all I could see was horror, anger and worry. He pushed me to the bed and made me sit down. I lifted my legs so they were on the bed too. He pulled off the jacket that he had put on me and I felt naked and exposed.

'Bella, keep drinking this,' and he put the bottle on my mouth again. I shook my head. 'It will take the pain away. Come on, just a little.' And he forced me again and I wanted to scream at him, tell him to stop because I didn't want to do this anymore. I think I was crying less now, but I was feeling a little numb. He finally put the drink away. He took a lace and tied it tightly around my left wrist, cutting the blood circulation.

'Aah,' I said, pulling my hand back, but he didn't let go of my hand and pulled it back to him. I watched the knife that was still in there. I didn't feel it anymore. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to feel physical pain, so I would forget. Forget what just happened. He took hold of the top of the knife.

'Isabella.' I looked up at his face. 'I'm so sorry,' he said, just as I felt an intense pain in my wrist and cried out loud in pain. I let my head drop and I invited the pain in. He put his hand on my back. Pulling the knife back out, hurt more than to put it in. The pain was lessening and I pulled up slowly and I saw Edward had taken a first aid kit. I let him do whatever he wanted to do and I felt some stinging. When I didn't feel anything anymore, I saw Edward had put some kind of a bandage on my wrist. He left me again and came back with a black t-shirt and shorts. He put the t-shirt on me and when I felt his hand on my bare back, I sprang alive and tried to get away from him. Edward prevented me of going away, by putting both of his hands on my back.

'Take it easy, I'm only taking off your bra. It will be more comfortable for you.' He opened my bra and pulled it out from under the t-shirt. He put it on a chair. 'It's warm tonight. You wouldn't want anything taller than this,' he said, showing the shorts. He held my ankles and turned me so that my legs were on the floor. He put my legs through the shorts and brought it all the way up. I was clothed again, but there was still a lot of bare skin.

I looked at my wrist and touched the lace. It was starting to hurt now.

'Is it too tight?' He touched the bandaged wound with the palm of his hand. 'The bleeding hasn't stopped yet. I'll take it off when it has stopped, okay?'

I nodded my head. I was feeling so frightened. He might think I'm crazy and I was so afraid. And our last conversation also wasn't something pleasant.

'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.' I got off the bed, but slowly, because I was feeling so dizzy. I fell, but he already caught me.

'Bella, I'm not mad at you. How could you possibly think that? You didn't do anything.' He went to the cameras and showed me a key. 'I locked your room. And these are the cameras. See, in the cameras are the chips and if you break them, all the photos will disappear.'

I nodded my head but didn't take the camera's, so he took out the chips and broke them. All five of them.

He put me on the bed again and took the bottle with the drink. I tried to get away from him. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be around anyone. I felt too exposed.

'What is that?'

'Brandy,'

'I never drink,'

'Tell me everything, Bella.' I shook my head.

'Drink some more of this,' and he handed it to me. I couldn't take it. He pressed it lightly against my lips again and when I didn't swallow, he forced me again.

'Can you talk now?' I was actually feeling unreal now.

'I was preparing for the date. But then the girls came. And they made pictures and said James thought I was ugly, boring and stupid,' I said, dropping my head on his pillow and cried. 'And then he came and I thought he was going to help me. But he took a camera and made a picture of me too. And then he just laughed and I ran away. He is right.'

'Oh, Bella,' he said. He was petting my back. 'That's horrible.'

'As if you care!' I suddenly screamed and lifting my head from the pillow. 'Why weren't you there, joining them?' I hit him hard with my fist on his shoulder and he let me. I hit him again and again and he never complained. But after what felt like a long time, he stopped my arms and hugged me. He rubbed my back with his hands. I was so mad at him and suddenly it turned in fear again. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, didn't mean to hit you. Don't hurt me. Please, Edward.'

'Bella, I will never hurt you. Not again. And no one else, either. I won't let them,' he whispered the last part in my ear and he was still holding me.

'I hate you. I'm terrified of you. I'm so confused.'

'I can't do anything about that first one now, but you don't have to fear me. No harm is coming your way tonight.'

'How can you be sure?' Because James could come back. The girls could come back.

'Because you are staying with me,' he replied simply. I wanted the knife again. Why didn't he give it to me?

'Kill me. I don't want to do this anymore,' I said, looking up at him. His eyes went huge and he was looking worried again.

'Bella. Killing yourself over them is not worth it. James is not worth it. And James is not worth you. I know it hurts now, but the pain will go away. And after a while you will forget about his face, his laugh, his hair and the the color of his eyes. He will be just someone you will laugh over and say to your children: "James? That's that asshole and I can't believe I've ever fell for him."'

No. That can't be. That will never happen. The pain wasn't going. It kept getting worse and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. Why didn't he understand? And children? Wouldn't that actually involve getting married and _making _babies?

'Please, Edward, give me the knife,' I begged him.

'No, Bella. Trust me, you'll thank me someday.'

'I hate you,'

'Yeah, well. I can live with that.' I was crying not so much anymore and his hands went over my back in a way I didn't like. He brought his hands to my sides.

'What are you doing?' I asked, afraid of his touch.

'What have you done to yourself, Bella? What have you done? Do you even realize? Is it true what Carlisle told me? Do you have eating issues or something?'

'I wanted to look nice for James. I'm size two. Nobody wants me. I'm unwanted.' I flew out of bed, because I saw the shiny knife and grabbed it. I took hold of it, but Edward had run after me and took hold of my wrist and he was really strong. 'Please, Edward. Please. Please. Please. Let me do this. Please.' I kept pulling my hand out of his grip.

He slowly pulled the knife out of my hand and put it away again.

'Come on, Bella. The alcohol is going to kick in soon, because you are tiny and with girls it always goes faster.' He pushed me to the bed and I sat down again.

'Please. I really can't do this anymore. It's too much to bear. Just please.'

'Your cheek is bleeding. I have to clean that wound too. Unless you want a scar on your face.' I looked at him in confusion. He didn't even listen to me. He pressed something out of the first aid kit on my cheek and that stung too. I didn't mind though. 'That's done too. Talk a little, so I can see if you're drunk already.'

'You're making me drunk? I thought it was to let the pain go away!' I cried.

'That's my intention, yes. But you don't worry about that. That's exactly what you need right now.' I was shaking my head.

'I need to get drunk?' I asked the weird question.

'It helps you forget,' he said. I was shaking my head again. 'Do you remember, in the airplane? I calmed you down. I promised I would and I did. Do you remember, Bella?'

I nodded.

'I know you don't trust me. But right now I am going to ask you to have faith in me. Look at me.'

He put me on the bed and I had to look up. He took hold of my face.

'You are not going to worry about being harmed tonight. Nobody will come here. I am not going to hurt you. I am not mad at you. I don't hate you. I won't kill you and won't let yourself kill you. You can hit me, curse me, hate me, but I still won't hate you. You can try and kill yourself, you can go crazy, scream, beg, laugh, giggle and still I won't hate you. And now you are going to drink more alcohol because I don't think you've had enough.'

'Will you throw me out of your room in the middle of the night? When the others come,' I asked the sad question.

'Bella...' he stopped what he was doing and he let a finger go over my cheek. 'I won't throw you out. Jasper and Emmett are with Alice and the girls. They're staying with them tonight to watch movies. They'll stay there.'

I felt more tears coming down my cheeks. I was feeling so bad and the pain didn't go away.

'You lied. The pain doesn't go away.' He pulled out another bottle and opened it.

'I'll make it go away. You need to drink more of this.'

'I don't like that,'

'I know. But the pain will go away.' I drank more of his drink.

I sat on the bed and I had stopped crying now. I think I had drunk a lot now. I looked up at Edward and he was watching me carefully. He pushed me on the bed until I was lying on my back. Then he pulled up the t-shirt I was wearing and touched my stomach and ribs. I pulled up a little and watched him. He was looking mad. I quickly pulled back from his hands and tried to sit as far away from him.

'I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me.'

'I'm not mad at you. I only hate one person.'

'Me?'

'Not you,'

'Then who?'

'Myself. I should have watched you. I should have done what Carlisle told me. What have you done, Bella? How did you lose weight so fast?'

'What?' I asked confused.

He came closer to me and I watched him with big eyes. He stopped coming closer and sat on the bed. He looked annoyed about something.

'What have you eaten the previous weeks?'

I shrugged.

'You have starved yourself, haven't you? Have you taken your medicine?'

'What medicine?'

'Oh Bella.' He dropped flat on the bed on his stomach and pressed his face in the pillow. When he stayed still, I poked his side and he didn't move. I started to giggle.

'Have you died?'

He lifted his head and I looked at his eyes closely.

'Your eyes are so green.' I brought my finger to his eye to touch it. He stopped my finger by putting his hand on it.

'Now you're drunk,'

I started to giggle. 'I never get drunk. Charlie's going to kill me.'

'No, he's going to kill me. Slowly.' He didn't release my finger.

'He hates you. You drive too fast. He stopped giving you tickets. He wanted to take your license but I stopped him. I didn't want you to hurt me more. Because you would have, because you know that it would had been my father that would have taken your license. Now you still have your license. Because of me.'

I put my head on his back.

'You did that?' he asked. 'Have I already told you that you are an angel?'

'Angels aren't for real.' He laughed at that, but only a little.

'Then you are an amazing girl and with a strong heart,' he said. That wasn't true either.

'No,' I said. 'I'm not amazing and my hearth... isn't there anymore.' He sat up, so I had to lift my head again. He sat on the opposite of my and put his ear against my chest.

'You liar, your hearth is still there,'

'Then it's empty,'

He lifted his head and smiled.

'I hope not. Tell me, Bella. What else did you do to lose weight?' I went a little closer to him.

'You won't tell anyone?' I whispered. 'I used diet pills. I overdosed. And I exercised a lot.' I felt over, but he caught me and laid me on my back.

'I'm just going to check you over, so don't scare away. Alright?' I was looking at his green eyes again. He softly touched me stomach and pushed it in some places.

'And how's your heart rate?' he asked. He counted again. 'That's odd. It's higher than I had expected it.' I was just staring at the greenness. He looked at me again and smiled. 'It would help to know your blood pressure.'

'So greenish,' I said.

'You're still looking at my eyes? Really, there's nothing special about mine. Yours are something. They have an amazing brown color and they are very big. They make you look gorgeous.'

'It's nothing,' I shrugged. He lied next to me and kept watching me. I was still lost in the green eyes. He was looking at mine. He pulled the blankets up and smiled. I closed my eyes and I felt him touch my face. His fingers went softly over my eyes.

'What do you doing?' I asked a little slow.

'Touching a pearl,'

'Huh?'

'I'm sorry. I won't mind if you'll never forgive me.'

'Whafor?'

'Everything that I have done to you.'

'I... I'm confused.'

'Sleep, Bella. Tomorrow you'll feel better again. Though maybe not in the morning. I can't prevent a hangover.'

'Hangover? Never had one.'

'Yeah, I'm sorry I am the first person to cause you one. I'll explain in the morning. If I tell you now, you'll just forget it again.'

'Why?'

'Because you are drunk. You won't remember a thing. At least that's what I hope. Sleep, angel. I'll keep the bad dreams away.'

'You kissed me,'

'What?' I didn't see his expression, because my eyes had been close all the time. I wonder what he looked like now, but my eyes wouldn't open.

'In the bad dream,'

'Oh. Sorry for that,' he said. I had to giggle again.

'S'not like you did it. Dream Edward.'

'I'll try and keep him away too. Think of the greenish.'

'Yes,' I smiled. And I thought of the greenish. I felt his arms around me and he murmured sorry's. I opened my eyes and he was still looking at me.

'What's the matter?' he asked

I shrugged.

'You're still feeling alright?'

'Just... I'm still afraid of the bad dreams.'

'Maybe you should drink some more. I just have no idea how much you can drink without throwing up. You're not feeling nausea?'

I shook my head. I remembered...

'Nausea. I threw up at the excursion. First day we met. You wanned me to choke to death,' I said. I looked at his back, because he had gotten up and he didn't turn around. 'Can't find the drink?' He turned around and looked annoyed. 'Did I say someing wrong?'

'You haven't done anything. You're just not articulating very well anymore. But I still understand you,' and he placed the bottle on my mouth again and made me drink a lot. Or maybe it felt like a lot. I was really feeling numb.

'I can't move. I'm paralyzed?'

'No, you're just drunk. Nothing that won't go away. Try and sleep now, Bella.' I closed my eyes, but didn't fall asleep immediately.

I heard Edward doing some things. And then he talked.

'Yeah, dad. It's me, Edward.'

...

'I called because I have something to tell you. About Bella.'

...

'No, I don't have good news. Nothing good this time. Actually, it was all a lie. I never knew if she was alright.'

...

'I made a deal with her. I told her about us. And I left her alone. But she's in my room now and she has lost so much weight and muscle. She's in a very poor condition, because she hasn't taken her meds the way she should have. She told me she has exercised a lot and has taken diet pills. She overdosed on them.'

...

...

'Dad, you can start a whole trial and I wouldn't mind. I would be sitting on your side, making sure I get the top punishment. I know what I did was wrong and I would understand if you hated me forever. When I look at her body... It's like a prisoners' body that's been in a camp for months. But dad, now it's about Bella. We're still here for the weekend. I need your help. What am I supposed to do?'

...

'Yeah, I've got pen and paper. Where can I get those? Alright. Yes, got it.'

...

'She's sleeping now. I've made her go numb.'

...

'I sort of made her drunk. Dad, she was crying and she... tried to kill herself. I was in time. She harmed herself and wouldn't stop talking nonsense until she drank quite a lot. It's what she needed the most at the moment, really.'

...

'She had a trauma. She doesn't deserve to remember all that. I'd rather have that she's hangover for a few hours, then that she'd remember what they did to her. I hope she'll forget most of it. It must have been horrible for her.'

...

'I'll make sure of that. I won't let her go out of my sight.'

...

'I still don't believe in anorexia, dad. It's just a joke. Voices in your head telling you not to eat? No, dad, I do not believe that and I still don't. Bella just doesn't have any friends and she said there was a boy she liked and she wanted to look nice to him, by being thin. She suffered herself and I'm sure she'll eat if I give her food.'

...

'He works here. You should sue him too, while you're at it.'

...

'You want me to do what?'

...

'No dad, seriously. An apple? Just an apple? She'll eat it and run away happily!'

...

'Fine, but if she goes, I won't be able to stop her!'

...

'If you say so.'

...

'Yes. Thank you. Bye.'

He hung up and came in bed next to me. I felt that he took hold of my wrist and opened the bandage. He cleaned the wound again and put on a new bandage. He removed the lace and also cleaned the wound one on my cheek and I fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N:** Let's hope Bella forgets. And we know something about Edward now :O hihi

I hope that you still like the story :)

Next chapter: Edward helps Bella and she wonders why.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer's characters.

* * *

**Lovers**

What I felt next was awful. My head. My throat was dry and I needed to go to the toilet. I pressed my hands on my head and tried to make it go away. What is this? Where was I? I didn't dare to open my eyes. Last thing I remembered? Edward. Mean laughter. Flashes. Half naked in the hall way. Where was the rest of my memory?

And I sensed someone watching me. I opened my eyes and it was Edward. He was sitting on another bed. I stared at him in horror.

'Pain?' he asked.

I could only nod. He extended his hand and put three pills in my hand and gave me a glass of water. I drank them and hoped it was poison.

'If you're still tired, just sleep. Although I can't imagine you could sleep now, with the hangover.'

Hangover. So this is what it feels like. I had drunk a lot yesterday. Why was that again? I was actually scared, because I was in his room and nobody else was here. What had he done? I did sit up so at least I wouldn't feel tiny.

'I have no idea how much you remember but I'll just start telling and you ask your questions.' I looked at the clothes I was wearing and I was sure they were Edward's. Had he put them on me? No, did he see me naked?

'You were traumatized yesterday. You don't need to think about that again. I gave you alcohol so you'd relax a little, but when I left the room, you had cut your wrist. I gave you more drink, so the pain would be less when I pulled out the knife. But then you were begging me to kill you. I gave you as much alcohol as your body could bear, so you would go numb. I'm just sorry for the hangover.'

I tried to clear my throat to ask just one question. But my head started to throb and I had to wait for a few seconds. Did I beg him to kill me? Why on earth did I do that?

'Can I- auw,' and the pain was unbearable, 'go?'

'I can't let you go. I have talked to Carlisle. He has told me what to do until we go back to Forks. I am going to do what I should have done six weeks ago. And now you are ill and that is something I could have prevented.'

'Not ill,' I said, trying to use as less words as I could. I noticed a bandage on my wrist. I had to see the wound to believe it for myself.

'You're not ill?' he asked. I shook my head, staring at the bandage. He walked over to me and put an apple on my lap. Apple? I looked at it as if it were something I had seen for the first time. 'Eat the apple and I'll let you go.'

I looked up at him and he just stared back. He looked away and that surprised me. When he looked back, he looked uncertain. Why was he suddenly so insecure? I looked back at the apple and I felt tears prick in my eyes. Why was he doing this? Couldn't he leave me alone? This was like torture.

'I won't tell Carlisle about anything,' I tried. He looked incredulous and the uncertain look had left.

'You don't have to say anything. I already told him. No more secrets from him. He knows your real condition and I do too.'

'I'll tell him you lied. Your car...' I remembered.

'Don't worry so much about a thing,' he snapped. He was so mad, because he had probably lost his car now. I took the apple and I couldn't. One bite, Bella. No! No food. It makes you fat. Got to lose weight. You can't eat this.

'You're ill,' he said and I shook my head again. 'You can't prove me the opposite, can you? That makes you ill. Besides, one look at your body and that tells me enough that you are too thin.' Too thin. Did he think I'm too thin? But didn't he think I'm fat?

'No,' I whispered. I held the apple with both of my hands and dropped my hands in my lap and stared at it. My stomach hurt and I grabbed it. That's something I had too a lot lately. My stomach would have these awful pains. I was trying to press hard, but it didn't work.

Edward pushed me forward and sat behind me. He pushed me back, so I was leaning on his chest and his legs were on my sides. I tried to get up, but he didn't let me. What was he doing?

'Does it hurt?' and he rubbed my stomach. I nodded. 'Of course it hurts. You are hungry. You should eat.' He made wonderful moves with his hands and the pain ceased. I leaned back more comfortable against him. He took my pain away, so I was allowed to feel a little happy again.

He tried to take my apple out of my hands, but I was holding it tightly.

'Apple lover. I'm hungry and if you're not eating it, I will,' and he had taken the apple and took a bite. And another. I had turned my head and just stared at him. He was eating that. Why could he eat and I couldn't? He put the apple in front of my mouth, but I was staring at him. I frowned and he just took another bite. And put it in front of my mouth again, but I didn't do anything.

'Still not?' And he took another bite and didn't offer me anymore. I don't know why I felt offended by that. I felt pain in my stomach again and tried to hug myself tightly. Edward put the apple aside and pressed his hands again at the places that hurt the most. How did he know?

'Poor girl. You're suffering,' he said. He kept rubbing and pressing and the pain was gone again. I didn't tell him though and he was busy for at least four minutes. It was kind of relaxing.

'Gone?' he asked. I nodded. He took his apple again and pushed me back against him. I didn't look at him anymore. Again my eyes stung. I was feeling mad, confused, weak and vulnerable. One moment I had a date, the second I woke up with a hangover, not even remembering a thing. He pressed the apple against my lips this time. That startled me and I opened my mouth a little and Edward kept pressing. And I took a small bite. 'That's it, Bella,' he said. He took another bite himself and offered me another. He did push a little, but I took a bite anyway. 'You're doing great, Bella. You really are. You keep amazing me.'

He finished the apple and put it aside. I don't know what he was doing. I couldn't see him from this angle, but he wasn't touching me either, which I was grateful for.

'Did the pain killers kick in a little?' I nodded. I was feeling slightly better. 'That's good.' He was quiet for a while again.

'Can I ask you a few questions? You don't have to answer them if you don't want to, but can I first ask? Bella?'

I didn't do anything and he took that as a yes.

'Where were you living before you came here?'

'Phoenix,'

'It's warm there. It must be a real disappointment in Forks for you, you know, with all the rain. You must miss your friends there, don't you?'

'No,' I replied simply.

'You don't? Did you have any friends?'

Asshole came right to the point.

'Did you have to leave any family there?'

'Mom and her husband Phil. And Uncle Ben. But I don't miss him because he made me sleep outside.'

'What?' I turned my head to see his expression and it was disbelieve. 'What had you done?'

'I think, if I can recall right, because I was seven-,'

'Seven!'

'-that I am an ungrateful ugly bitch and I had to get out of the house. Nothing new, not really. But he was drunk and I was used to that.'

Edward didn't respond and he slowly got up and it seemed like he was trying really hard not to punch anything. He walked over to me again and sat in front of me. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me close to him. I watched him with big eyes.

'Bella. Did you believe him? Do you believe him?'

'Y-yes,' I stuttered.

'Bullshit, Bella! What he said was bullshit and a girl of seven alone in the night or in the same house with a drunken man! Which one is worse? Quit looking at me like that! I'm not hurting you.' He did let go of my shoulders, though.

'I never had problems with him. He didn't do anything to me. I've had worse.'

'Like what?' he asked sarcastically.

'Other people... And... The people... The ones at...' I didn't want to tell him about the clinic. So I just ended my sentence with, 'you. Three busses next to a drunken boy and then in the hotel you tried to kiss me.'

He didn't say anything for a while and I was about to lean on the headboard, but Edward stopped me and sat behind me again.

'What do you think of Forks?' he asked, starting his interrogation again.

'Not much.'

'Are you lonely?'

'I don't like these questions,'

'Did you move to Forks against your will?'

'Yes. No, I meant no,'

'How do you see yourself?'

'What?'

'Pretty, nice, too tall, too big feet, you know,'

'Oh, I...' I wasn't going to tell him that I didn't like anything about me or my body.

'You can tell me, Bella,'

'I-I want to be different,' I said and regretting the instance I said it.

'Why?' he asked kindly.

'Because everybody hates me. I'm no use to anyone,'

'Not true,'

'I never say or do anything right,'

'Bella-,'

'I feel like a burden to everyone and I'm better of-,' and I couldn't finish, because Edward's hand was on my mouth.

'Don't say it. Bella, don't. You're not a burden to anyone,'

'I'm a burden to you,'

'No, that's not true either,'

'But you're here with me while you could be with someone else,'

'I'm here because I want to help you,'

'Because your dad told you,'

'No. Because I want. I didn't help you for six weeks and I could have left you in the hall way yesterday, or dump you in the middle of the night, or dump you right now. But I didn't and I won't,'

'Out of sorry,'

'I'm not doing it out of sorry,'

'Pity,'

'No,'

'You said: "Poor girl" when I had pain. Sounds like pity.'

'What am I going to have to do to convince you?'

'You already have convinced me that you don't want to help me, but do it out of sorry and pity.'

'Oh, how you misunderstand things,' he said. That made me so mad. Who was he trying to convince, me or himself?

'I'm misunderstanding you said something like "Too bad you didn't choke" and kicked my knee which caused me to drown almost and steal my things and call me names and... And embarrass me in front of the class and a teacher and that you send me to the black tree, which, ironically your dad had warned me for just a day before that and… and…' I didn't really know if there was more, but I just couldn't remember. I got out of bed and Edward didn't stop me. He did however follow me. I tried to open the door, but it was locked. So I opened his damn closet and found a towel.

'Are you taking a shower?' What else do people do with towels? But I was too mad to answer him with a normal answer.

'Maybe I'll slip and crack my neck or maybe I'm just stupid and drown in the water!' I said. I snapped my fingers in front of his face and added, 'Wish fulfilled.' I closed the bathroom door and locked it. Images of last night were coming back. But not much. I remember James. James that didn't turn out to be the boy I trusted. And a few girls in my room, but I don't really know who. I really think they were Tanya and Jessica. I couldn't remember any other thing. I looked into the mirror. I looked awful. I really did. Great, and that in front of Edward. And there was a tall wound on my right cheek, which was a bit bruised.

The pain killers had made most of the pain go away, but I was still feeling some effects from the overdose.

I took a shower and I saw three shampoo pots. I picked the one that smelled the best and I washed my hair twice, just so that I'd be here longer. I got out of it after half an hour and since I wasn't going to wear his clothes again, I just sat on the floor with the towel around me.

I was too scared to go back to Edward. I was too scared to face Tanya and Jessica and the nameless faces. I was too scared to go to James. I do know they had made pictures of me. And I vaguely remember running away in not too many clothes. And the rest is gone.

I went to the door and unlocked it, but didn't open it. I sat on the floor again and my back was facing the door. Edward was fast and he opened the door. I wanted to say something about his wish not getting fulfilled. But I stopped thinking about what to say, because I felt him pull my hair up and putting a bigger towel on my back and he put my hair on the towel. Then I felt his back against my back. I turned around and he was actually sitting on the ground to lean against my back.

'I can't let you go. You're stuck with me, whether you like it or not. Besides, you broke our deal, so it's your fault anyway.'

'What?' I asked in disbelief.

'You had to take your meds and eat. You didn't. So until we are back in Forks, I am going to be around you,' he said annoyingly. His tone softened, when he said, 'Bella, you have ideas in your head about what I want from you. You misunderstand so much. I know you don't like me and what I have done to you has caused you hurt, but I want you to know that I really truly am sorry. I want you to just try and forget I'm Edward Cullen for the following days. Call me Anthony.'

'Why?' I asked.

'Because it's easier to be around someone when you pretend it's not the person that's made you sad. I know I shouldn't have done those things to you. And I want to take them back. I was thoughtless, senseless, wrong and nothing but a jerk. You didn't deserve that.'

'And there is someone who does deserve to be treated like that?' I asked sarcastically. He sounded so sincere. If only I believed him.

'No, no one,' he said quickly. 'But listen, I am not going to accept you to stay in this room and sulk about James. We are going to the city and you are going to show James, Tanya and Jessica that they can't bring you down.'

'They have already brought me down.'

'Eh... alright other plan. We are going to...' he was saying, but he stood up and when I looked up, I didn't like the look on this face. It was mischief. 'I am not sure you might like it though. But it will be so effective.'

'What?'

'Me kissing you in front of them,'

I looked down again. He clearly had a unique mind that no one would ever understand. Him included.

'No, hear me out. If I kiss you and we make suggestions of being lovers and that we had sex, don't you think that would piss them off?'

I looked at him in disgust.

'I know the exact thing. You'll wear my shirt and I'll be around you all the time. Look, Bella, they tried to break you yesterday, instead we show them that you got to be with me. That would kill Tanya's and Jessica's fun and James will surely realize that he's been an idiot of letting you go.'

He looked at my face, and I don't know what he saw, but suddenly he changed the subject.

'You asked me if I wanted to be an actor. So, that means you think I'm a good actor, right?'

'Yes, I guess so,' I said honestly but carefully.

'There you go! It's a deal,' he said cheerfully. 'I can really make it look real.'

'I... You... What? I don't remember saying yes.'

He had already left and came back with a very expensive looking shirt. He held it up and showed it to me.

'Amazing, don't you think? I love this shirt and everybody knows. And now you are wearing it. And I've got underwear for you.' The shirt was black and I was sure he didn't buy it in Fork. I took the underwear between my thumb and index finger.

'Is this Jessica's?' When he didn't reply, I looked up and he was staring at me with one raised eyebrow.

'I might,' he said, bending down and holding one of my hands and lifting me up, 'have to,' I was up now and he let go of my hand, 'clear up,' he brought his face closer to mine, 'a few things.' I took a step back and dropped his shirt and underwear. 'I have never had sex with Jessica.'

'Oh, yeah, I remember.' He looked confused at my statement. 'You like Tanya better.' He looked a little shocked at my knowledge about this. 'You said something like: Tanya is much better and hell I'd rather take Jessica.' I tried to avoid his eyes and added, 'Than me.'

'Shit, I didn't know you heard me. Bella, how come you remember things so well that don't even mean a thing? I didn't even know you and you didn't know me and yet you still remembered them so well. Why do you even care what I think?' I didn't reply to him. He thinks he can just say things without hurting other people's feelings. Why was he even trying to make right what he had said? They were mean and that's all I know.

'Bella, the underwear is new, Alice bought it in case... I don't even know what the case was anymore, but it's not worn by anyone else, so just wear it.' He left the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I went over to the door to lock it. I looked at the clothes on the floor. Black shirt, black underwear. He had forgotten about jeans. I dropped the towel and the one he had put on my back and wore his new underwear and stupid shirt.

'You've forgotten about jeans,' I called to Edward.

'Come out this way,' he said.

'No,' I replied.

'Come on, I've already seen you yesterday in a bra and underwear. Besides, it's hardly more different than a bikini.'

'I don't go to beaches,' I said.

'Why?'

'Because I don't want anyone to see me like this,'

'Like what?'

'Just,' I said. 'This,' and I pointed at my body even though he couldn't see.

'Just open the door, Bella,' he said quietly.

'You mean unlock,'

He was quiet for a while.

'Yeah. Are you going to unlock the door now?'

'I'm not sure,'

'Let me decide what I think you look like, alright?'

I unlocked the door and opened the bathroom door. I slowly walked out and when I looked up at him I saw that he was looking at the clothes I was wearing.

'Nice,' he said. 'I would love to drag you downstairs this way, but I don't think you'll let me.'

'I'm not going downstairs. Deal was never on. Just get me some jeans.'

'They're in your room.'

'Go get them then.' He looked a little surprised, but got up and took the key. I sat on the floor and I didn't know what would happen these following days. I was still scared. Edward was back quickly and gave me a pair of jeans. I wore those too and he smiled.

'All set to go. Don't worry about saying anything, I've got your back. Just let me do all the things.'

'No!' I said and I ran to the other side of the bed so there was more room between us. Why was he so keen on doing this?

'Scared?' he mocked.

'Yes,' I said truthfully.

'I already told you not to be scared,' he said kindly.

'No, you didn't,'

'I told you yesterday, you've only forgotten,'

'How come I don't remember? And I'm not going down!'

'We still have time, most people aren't there yet probably. It would look better if we came in late. That way it would look like we had morning sex,' he said thoughtfully. He grinned at the look on my face.

'You're sick!' I said, getting close to the window, in case that had to be my escape.

'You're going to jump out the window?'

'Why do you want other people to think _we _had sex?' I asked confused. I looked out of the window, thinking if I could survive the fall.

'Oh yeah. You still think I'm disgusted by your touch. If I do this, will you believe me and know I'm not disgusted by you?'

'Edward, you're crazy,'

'Anthony, call me Anthony. Also in front of other people.'

'No!'

'Bella, we are going down stairs and it would really help if you wouldn't look scared.' He walked over to me and I turned and tried to open the window. It was stuck and Edward's hand appeared in front of me and I backed away. He opened the window and for a moment I was frozen, but I quickly looked outside. It looked really high. Edward pulled me back and looked me in the eye.

'Maybe you are disgusted by _my _touch. Is that it?'

'No,' I said, dropping my head. 'More like afraid.'

'Bella, I want to help you out on this one. Trust me. No wait, you don't.' He shook his head. 'Anyway, it has to look convincing. So I really have to kiss you.'

'Could you stop saying that?'

'What, does that scare you too? Tell me, Bella. When I kissed you in your dream, did you like it or not? What was it like?'

I looked at him in shock.

'You told me last night when you were drunk,' he said as if it was nothing. 'Just tell me. It doesn't matter.'

I looked away and tried hard to find a way to escape.

'Liked it or not? Well, could you at least tell me if I forced you?'

I nodded.

'You mean I forced you?'

I nodded again. It was sort of forced.

'You probably had the dream because of what I did in the plane. But I won't do that again to you, Bella. And that answers my other question. You didn't like it, because you hated it in the plane. But don't you want to see Jessica's and Tanya's faces when I kiss you?'

I looked up at him and he was watching me carefully as if to see any signs of emotions on me that might like this or not.

'I could make it look really good. And I'll stop the instant you don't want to anymore. Besides, lovers do more than just kissing.'

'Lovers?'

'Yeah, that's what I'll make us look like, so just nod so we can go downstairs.'

I just stared at his face and couldn't really answer. He took his phone and made a call.

'Jasper, are you downstairs?

...

Could you tell me if it is crowded there?'

...

'Are Tanya and Jessica downstairs? And James?'

...

Edward smiled at the reply

'Just asking. Thanks a lot man,' and he hung up.

'We can go now. But first of all, you look hot in that shirt. Second of all, I am going to act a lot downstairs and it's best if you don't say much. Third of all, don't be scared.'

I turned around, heading for the bathroom but he took my hand and brought me to the door. 'Oh and Bella. Don't forget to breath.' I looked confused at him. 'When I kiss you,' he said and made a crooked smile. I wanted to slap his face. 'And I have to do one more thing.' He brought his hands close to my hair and asked, 'Do you mind?' I still had no idea of what he was saying, but he put his hands in my hair and gently made mess of it. He smoothed it in some places and looked at me one more time. 'God, you look amazing this way.'

'You made me look stupid,' and I tried to smooth my hair, but he stopped them.

'No you don't, don't ruin my precious work,' he said. 'It looks great this way.' He looked at my faces and asked, 'What is it?'

'I just... It doesn't... Why... This is...' I tried, but it didn't work.

'What was that?' he asked kindly and I looked at him angrily. He laughed at my expression.

'It won't matter,' I said to gritted teeth. 'Because, when you are back to _those two_ than they will make fun and say stuff like... things like "Did you really think he-"' I said, but was stopped by Edward's hand on my mouth.

'They won't say that,' he said certain. 'Because I'm not going back to _those two_. I'm on your side. Can we go now?'

I shook my head.

'Scared?'

I nodded.

'Of what?'

I shrugged.

'I know this won't matter much to you, but I'll be with you all the time.'

I looked up at him and his face looked sincere. I pushed his hand away from my mouth.

'Have you started to act already?'

'No, this is real me,' he smiled. 'Don't forget to call me Anthony. It's my middle name. No one, except Jasper, Alice and Emmet know that. Now, come on.' He tried to take my hand, but I put it behind my back. I looked at his hair and if mine was supposed to look like a mess, his was too.

'Bend down a little,' he looked confused, but bend down. 'More. A little more. Alright stop.' He still was taller, but I could reach his hair more easily this way. I brought my hands close to his hair asked, 'Do you mind?' but instead of waiting for his response, I made a mess out of his hair and I was more violent than him. He was looking me in the eye all the time and it was really uncomfortable, so I quickly finished. His hair looked so messed up and it made me laugh. He didn't say anything, he just kept watching me. 'I'm sorry,' I said between laughters, 'but I think this is exactly the way your hair would look like after...' I wasn't really able to say the word in front of him.

'Sex?' he finished with an incredulous smile on his face. I dropped my eyes and he was still bend down. I looked at his hair and quickly made it a little better at some places.

'It's a bit better this way,' I said. He actually looked hot and I dropped my eyes again.

'Does this mean we're doing this?' he asked, straightening up again. Before I could answer, he had taken my hand and pulled me out of his room. He locked the door and went to the elevator.

No. No. No. Was he really doing this? Acting and pretending we are lovers. Pretending we had sex. Kissing me in front of them. This is really such a bad idea and I have to tell him now! It won't do any good and so what if they get jealous? They will have Edward back in no time and then this won't matter so much.

Why did he care if they had tried to break me?

'Don't worry so much,' Edward whispered in my ear, just as we entered the elevator.

* * *

**A/N: **So, what will happen? Is there really going to be a kiss? I know but you'll have to wait until the next chapter.

And 30 June was my graduation day and it was amazingly great!


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer's characters.

**A/N: **Maybe this wasn't even inspiration, but I still liked it. It's from Grey's anatomy.

* * *

_Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens_: Everyone who is entered in the transplant program is clocked in to the second. To the second, Denny. You were clocked into the second and so was the other guy, I checked with UNOS. The difference between when you entered the program and when he entered the program is 17 seconds. That's it Denny. 17 seconds. I mean, it's not even the length of a decent kiss. So this other guy, I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve this heart. I'm sure he does, but so do you! So do you. And if you tell me anymore crap about heading towards the light or looking down on me from heaven I swear I will kill you myself right now!

* * *

**Seven seconds**

When we were in the elevator, I was a so nervous that I thought I might faint. He put his arm around me. The lift was going down. Did these lifts always go so fast? The lift stopped. Just before the lift doors opened, he put his lips on my hair and I wished the doors wouldn't open. However, they did and the first thing I saw, was James. He looked surprised and I quickly dropped my eyes. I stood on my toes.

'He's there, James is here,' I whispered in Edward's ear. Edward looked up too.

'That's why we're here,' he whispered back. If his arm hadn't been around me, I wouldn't have walked out of the lift, but we did.

'Wait, Edward...' I said, putting him to a halt by pulling his arm. I turned around so that my back was facing the rest. I couldn't do this, not when we were really here and he didn't look like he was joking or anything. I was looking at the lift like crazy and I would run back in when it would be back. I barely noticed Edward putting his hands in my hair and pulling my face up and then he bend down, to my ear.

'Second thoughts?' he whispered and I was so glad he understood.

'Yes,' I said in despair.

'Come on, Bella. No you are doubting me? I am really good,' he said with a charming smile.

'Ugh,' I said, pushing his away. 'You aren't that good.'

'You can't know that,' he said, coming closer again and touching my arm slowly. 'We never had sex,' he whispered softly. This time I pushed him away with both of my hands and when there was distance again, I wanted to retrieve my hands, but he put his hands on mine. This time he pushed me closer to him with my hands and I looked alarmed. He had me now. This was quite awful.  
I never should have agreed.

'I'm acting, you know,' he whispered kindly in my ear. 'You look all regret and remorse.' He chuckled. 'You're funny to act with,' he said and I was able to roll my eyes.

'You can't act your way through life,' I said, rolling my eyes again. 'You make it sound like you act a lot.'

'Smart notice,' he said and scowling a little at me. 'Hasn't anyone-' he was saying, but I quickly interrupted because I noticed whisperers around us and I was aware that the whisperers were namely about Edward being with a girl like me.

'Edward, you're wasting your time,' I said, with a plead in my eye. Couldn't we just go already?

'Not if I enjoy wasting it,' he said. 'Then it's not wasted time.' That sounded too philosophical for Edward and I looked up in surprise. 'Bertrand Russell,' he said with a sigh. So it was obvious he knew about my lack of knowledge and annoyed by my low IQ.

'Does my ignorance annoy you?' I asked. He looked up surprised. He didn't answer immediately and I smiled a little at myself. It did annoy him. I already knew this of course, because at the biology test he was also annoyed. And he could act and lie now how much he wanted, I still knew the truth about that one thing. It made me feel quite smart actually, in some way.

'No,' he suddenly said. I walked away from him, but he quickly spun me around. 'Bella, really...' he said, smiling uncomfortably. Edward was uncomfortable? That was a new one.

'So much for your acting skills,' I said, smiling at his uncomfortableness.

'No, Bella,' he whispered and it sounded meaningless.

'It's okay,' I said, patting him on his arm. 'I'm stupid, everyone knows and there's really nothing you can change about it. So you don't have to lie about it.' He took my hand quickly, but didn't looked me in the eye.

'You're not stupid,' he said.

'Ignorant, brainless, call it whatever you want.'

'I will,' he snapped and I wasn't really sure what he meant. We stayed there for a few more seconds, but he pulled me to the bar where James was working. I was considering running away. This might be the biggest mistake of my life.

'You know, smart ass, you almost made me forget our real purpose here,' he softly whispered in my ear.

He brought me to one of those high bar stools that were always hard for me to sit on, but before I knew it, Edward had put his hands on my waist and lifted me so fast and put me on the chair, that I didn't have any time to object. Before I knew it, his hands were holding my head and he kissed me. I startled, because he had been so fast again and I didn't know he would just kiss me like that. I tried to push my head away, but he was holding tightly. I whined a little, only for him to hear. He said he would stop the instance I got uncomfortable! He let go of me and let me stop the kiss. He sat on the stool next to me and put his arm around me again. I was staring in to space and I knew this was a huge mistake. I felt his lips on my ear, which startled me again.

'Relax,' he said. 'Bella, you should look at his face. And Tanya and Jessica saw us too. Smile or laugh, so they think I just said something funny.' I remained frozen and he slowly stroked my cheek. I looked up at him and he was smiling. 'Or don't,' he said. 'It doesn't matter. Are you alright?' I couldn't say anything. He had just kissed me. 'I'm sorry if I scared you just like that, but they were watching all three at the same time. Also those other girls are here too, but I don't know their names. Hey, I'll take it easy now, next kiss won't be like that. Now we've got a hangover to cure,' and he winked.

Next kiss. Not another. My head was throbbing and I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel human again. Was that actually my first kiss from a boy? Someone that was acting?

'James, could I have a Powerade?' He looked at me and asked, 'Which one?' I couldn't answer him, but I tried to say blue. 'The blue one,' he said to James. I looked surprised. Did I say it out loud? Or did he just make a choice, which happened to be blue? I didn't look to see at James, but he didn't reply to Edward. 'You have to drink a lot of water or sport drinks. You should also drink orange juice for vitamin C.' I cleared my throat.

'No need,' I said, finally talking again. 'Already have the pills.'

'Really? I'll go get them for you them.' James gave the drink and left again. I did catch his eye and he looked a little mad.

'No! Don't go now,' I pleaded. I held his waist with both of my hands and made sure he didn't leave. I don't know what it was with James, but I didn't want to sit here alone while I waited for Edward. James was crazy. It's kind of strange that I fear James more than Edward now.

'Alright, angel,' he said and kissed my hair again. Angel? Why did that sound familiar. Edward looked normal and I was sure that I had forgotten it.

'Last night,' I whispered again, 'when I was drunk, what did I do?' I had to know if I hadn't said or done anything stupid.

'Nothing out of the ordinary,' Edward said with a shrug.

'Details,' I whispered. He was stroking my hair now. I looked confused at his hand.

'Acting, Bella,' he said, meaning his hand touching my hair. 'You haven't told me about what I had said when I was drunk. Let's call it even.'

'I have already said what you said,'

'Not the whole thing, I said something that you left out.' Shit, he really was clever.

'Yes, but you made me drunk. I didn't make you drunk,' I tried sadly.

'You're right,' he said. I looked at his face. 'You are.' He nodded his head and I was surprised to win so fast. 'Alright, so you begged me to kill you. You thought I might hurt you or that I was mad at you. You apologized. You said something about you preventing your dad to take my license from me, because I might hurt you more. I hate it that you thought that. You told me about the exercising and diet pills. That's about it, Bella. Nothing to worry about.' He opened the bottle and gave it to me. I drank it, since I didn't have any choice.

_'Is _she_ wearing his 1000 dollar shirt?'_ I heard Tanya. I choked in the drink and Edward hit my back. When I had coughed enough, he pressed my head against his chest and I hoped not to many people saw the choking. I looked up at Edward in big surprise and he smirked. He had heard it too.

'Is that true?' I asked, hoping to hear him deny it.

'No, it's not. I lied to them about the price,' he said, looking away.

'So how much was it?' I asked.

'Around 2000,' he said with a shrug. 2000 dollar on my skin. This is not real.

'Edward, I'm taking this off,' I said.

'Now?' he said with one raised eyebrow. 'Right now?'

'Shut up. I'm going up again,' I said, but he didn't let go of me.

'Only you could look lovely in this shirt. Keep it on.'

'No! I'm not wearing your 2000 dollar shirt! It's too much.'

'Your worth it,' he said. I looked at his face and he stroked my hair again. He was smiling, but not looking at me. The kind words surprised me.

'Edward...' I tried.

'Anthony,' he whispered in my ear, touching my ear with his lips again. I sighed.

'Anthony...' It sounded so weird, 'We should stop this. Can we go up again?'

'Not yet. Tanya and Jessica's eyes haven't left us ever since we got here and James is looking pissed.'

'Oh. I can't watch them. They scare me and bring back images of last night. And James is going to kill me.'

'Bella, I'm so sorry that happened last night,' and he kissed my hair again.

'It's not like you didn't try and stop me,' I said with a forced smile. I remembered him at the beginning of this week.

'I should have told you differently and everything. It's just because I had a suspicion and I had seen James spend a lot of time with Tanya and Jessica and those other girls. He told you he had to work all the week. So something wasn't right.'

'Like I said. I was warned,' I said somber. He squeezed my hand. I looked up at him and he was being so kind. James had been like this to me too. And then he had done _that_. I yanked my hand back and looked up at him in worry. He looked a little surprised, but just took the bottle and gave it to me.

'You really have to keep drinking. You are dehydrated.' I took the bottle and drank some more. 'We'll get killed together. Tough not by the same person.'

'What?' I asked. 'Like who would kill you?'

'Emmett. Jasper is just looking confused, but Emmett will end my life soon. Bella,' he said, extending his hand. I slowly took it and he shook it. 'It was nice to meet you. I won't see you anymore though.'

'You're weird,' I said. He was actually still shaking my hand.

'Since you're going to Heaven and I'm going to Hell.' I rolled my eyes.

'Anthony,' I said, trying to act, 'but you've been such a nice boy. More people should be like you. You are the best example ever.'

'That's horrible. Your acting is just so sad. You shouldn't even try, because it just looks plain awful. And also-' he was saying, but this time I put my hand on his mouth.

'Shut up. I wish you the best of luck in Hell,' I said. I quickly retrieve my hand, since I felt his lips on the palm of my hand. He wouldn't give my other hand though. Still shaking it. Weird.

'You're the first to give me the luck. Most people would say: "I hope you burn in Hell".'

'I'm not most people,' I told him. 'Besides, why should I hope that?'

'You don't?' he asked. He stopped shaking my hand.

'Not really. I don't wish pain on other people. Unlike others,' I muttered the last part.

'I don't either. But of course, you don't believe me. Bella,' he said, and I looked up, because his tone changed. 'I love you.' I blinked and stared and eventually ended in looking at him in horror. I snatched my hand out of his.

'Shut up,' I choked out.

'Bella,' he suddenly laughed. 'You look so shocked. I'm sorry, but I _had_ to try, you know what I mean? Your expression is totally worth it.' He laughed some more. 'Since you're not forgiving me, why not mess around a little?' he said, bringing his face closer to mine. 'Or will you ever forgive me?'

'Hell is repeating itself,' I softly said. Of course I hadn't forgotten about drunken Edward saying he loves me.

'What is repeating?' Edward suddenly said.

'Nothing,' I quickly said. He was quiet for at least one minute, but suddenly Edward blinked and he was figuring something out.

'Did I?' he asked incredulous.

'What?' I asked.

'Say that,' he said. 'When I was drunk. Say that I love you.'

'No,' I said, looking away.

'Step one of acting successful. Don't look away when you're lying.' He had me figured out. I have to make this sound convincing.

'You thought I was Tanya,' I lied. 'You kept saying you love me and wouldn't stop touching me. You actually tried smoking in the bus. How addicted are you? Anyway, you thought you were about to kiss Tanya in the hotel.' I tried looking at him, but in the end I looked away again. Please buy it. Don't make this any harder. How did he even figure out? I only said that Hell was repeating itself.

'Something's not really right,' he eventually said. He put his arm around me again, because we were still acting.

'Yes…?' I said.

'Why would you mind telling me this, if I thought all along that you were Tanya anyway. The embarrassment would have been on my side, not yours. And you looked away when you were giving your explanation.' Damn you, Edward. I hadn't thought about that. Of course he was right.

'I don't know…' I said. 'It was just too much for me and you were actually trying to kiss me, so whatever you were thinking, in the end, it was me standing there. I just wanted to forget about it.'

'You got to break a guy's nose,' he said with a grin.

'Yeah,' I said, smiling a little. 'How did you figure out?' He shrugged.

'I'm highly intelligent and observant.'

'And arrogant.' I quickly changed the subject. 'I haven't really... thanked you,' I said. This was so awful, but he had, sort of, helped me. Even I could see that. Edward looked surprised for a second.

'I haven't even made the things right that I have done to you. You don't have to thank me for anything.'

'I think I would have killed myself. If you weren't there yesterday,' I said honestly. 'Even though I can't really remember, I still have this feeling that it wouldn't have ended well.' He was looking mad again and I tried to get out of his arm. He, however, just pulled me closer to him. 'I'm sorry I made you angry,'

'Bella, you haven't,' he said in an annoyed tone. 'Could you stop saying or thinking that. Not everything is your fault. I hate the _reason _that caused you to get suicidal.'

'You mean James?'

'And Tanya. And Jessica. And those other three whores.' I looked at him in surprise. 'And I hate myself for doing all the things I have done to you. You are so lovely.' I dropped my eyes. 'This isn't act,' he added.

'I don't believe you,' I whispered. 'You are too good of an actor.'

'Thank you,' he said. I looked up at him, because he probably just heard what he wanted to hear. He didn't look smug, though. I would have expected that. 'I hope you'll believe me some day. I really do.' We didn't say anything after that anymore, but Edward did push the bottle of drink to me again and I finished it. The next thing I heard, made me wince. Edward had felt it, since his arm was around me. He squeezed my shoulder with his hand and pushed me a little closer to him.

'Edward. Why did you come down so late this morning? And what are you doing with her?' I heard Tanya behind me. Oh no. Now he'll just go to Tanya. Why would he spend time with me? I looked up scared at Edward and he scowled. He gave me a peck on the lips and it was so fast that I barely even noticed.

'Tanya. Yes, I was still up and I had really good reasons to stay in bed this morning. All because of this girl,' and he kissed me again. This one was longer, but nothing more than a kiss. It scared me less this time and Edward stopped himself. 'Bye, Tanya,' he said while looking me in the eye. I think Tanya left, but he kept staring. I was staring back, but I recoiled and quickly blinked and made some distance again.

'Sorry, I didn't even warn you this time.'

'That's alright,' I managed to say.

_'That bitch had sex with Edward, I mean look at them,' _I heard Tanya behind me. Why was she talking so loud?

_'How did they end up together? Why didn't they fix their hair?' _A girl's voice I didn't recognize asked.

_'Do you think that's a sex wound on her cheek? He must be good in bed,' _another girl's voice said.

_'Maybe they did it in the elevator,'_ Jessica said.

I looked up and I saw James staring at me. He had an evil look in his eyes and I had enough of this.

'I'm scared, Edward, I'm scared. They keep saying all that and he looks like that and I'm scared. Please, please can we go? Please, I don't like this anymore,' I pleaded in his ear.

'You could have just asked, Bella. No need to beg,' he said and this time he chuckled. I looked up mad at him.

'I've been asking you since we got here,' I said trough gritted teeth.

'Mean of me, isn't it?' he said, kissing my front head. Edward lifted me of the chair.

'Did you have your fun?' I asked annoyingly.

'Only if I can kiss you again,' he said, suddenly standing very close again. I heard glasses break behind me and someone was yelling at James. Maybe his boss? He looked up at me and he was furious. I pushed Edward a little, so we could get out of here.

_'If he kisses her again, I will kill her,' _Tanya said from somewhere. I tripped over my own foot, but Edward caught me.

'Tanya,' Edward snapped. 'I can hear you. Don't threaten with the people I care about.' He let go of me and bend over Tanya, whispering something. Tanya's mouth flew open and I quickly went for the door and went outside. I didn't know what to feel. What did he say to her? What did her reaction mean? I stopped walking after a few yards.

'What are you running from?' Edward said from behind me.

'You,' I said, walking again without turning around.

'What's the matter?' he asked, turning me around and holding my waist. I tried to pull away his hands, but he just held tighter. 'Did you think I left you? Did you think I'd abandoned you?'

'Let go,' I said desperately.

'No,' he said and his harsh tone made me look up.

'No,' he said softer this time. 'Bella, I went over to Tanya to tell her the shirt is 3000 dollar. That's all. Now she knows the real price and that I've given it to you to wear. I'm on your side or is that hard for you to believe?' I looked at him mad and he looked surprised. I waited for him to correct himself, but he didn't say anything anymore.

'3000? You said 2000!' He looked momentarily confused but then looked with a sour face.

'Did I?' he asked.

'So which one is it?' I snapped.

'Does it matter?' he asked.

'Yes! Because it's too much.'

'It was 3000 dollars. You are wearing it right now and it's not too much.' He simply shrugged.

'No, I-' I said.

'One more word and I'll make you keep it,' Edward interrupted me. I was about to say something else, but stopped immediately. I dropped my head.

'Bella. Don't be sad. You can talk, you know. I hope I didn't scare you.'

'They all thought we had sex,' I whispered.

'They had wild ideas. I didn't know they would think that. And I saw how James was looking. He was showing too much feeling, so he really hates it.'

'You probably just think I'm weak and-' I said but again his hand was on my mouth. He kept shushing me that way.

'I think you are strong, alright? And we've convinced them well. So come on,' he said.

'Where to?' I asked.

'Anywhere,' he said, smoothing my hair. 'But first breakfast.'

He brought me to some place where they served breakfast and I was really wondering what he would do if I would run away now.

'Two number sevens, please,' he said to the man. We went to take a seat. He sat next to me.

'Number seven?' I asked.

'Eggs and bacon. They say it helps with a hangover.'

'You've never tried?' He just grinned.

'Do I have to eat?' I asked. He looked like he was about to say something, but then stopped.

'Aren't you hungry?' he asked casually.

'No,' I said.

'Okay. You'll still eat,' he said and the food just arrived.

'All of it?' I asked incredulous. It was a huge plate.

'Most of it, then. It's more than it looks. I've been here a few times with Emmett and Jasper. The food is great.' He had already begun eating and when he noticed I wasn't eating, he let go of his fork and put his arm around me.

'You don't have to act anymore,' I said, trying to get out of his arm.

'I'm not. You have to eat, Bella.' He took my fork with food on it and put it in front of my mouth. 'It will make you feel better, fitter and it's good for the hangover.' I opened my mouth, since he brought the fork close to my mouth and then pushed the fork in my mouth. I quickly grabbed to fork and pulled it out myself. This tasted so good. 'Don't starve yourself. Just eat.' He made it sound so easy. I slowly ate the breakfast and tried to take some bites myself.

'You look so sad,' he said. He still had his arm around me. 'Why?' I didn't look at him or answer him. I put down my fork and looked at my hands.

'Talk to me,' he said kindly. I wouldn't talk to him, even if I wanted to. I couldn't tell him his kiss was my first kiss. And then a second. Even the peck. I didn't like it. But I didn't hate it either. I really thought I would be disgusted by his kiss. I also thought he wouldn't mean it when he said he would kiss me, but he did kiss me.

And I was trying so hard to ignore the shirt I was wearing.

He took his arm from my shoulders and asked, 'Do you want a cigarette?' I looked at him in surprise, but he just kept waiting for an answer. I shook my head.

'Suit yourself,' he said, lighting a cigarette. Shit. I hate the smell of cigarettes. I tried to make some distance, but I had already smelled it. Uhg. Just as he was taking another long drag at his cigarette, I pulled it out of his fingers and crushed it in the ashtray.

'What was that for?' I still wasn't really able to talk to him. I felt sort of cheap in this shirt and it was weird everyone in the hotel thought that we had sex.

'You're not freaking out now, are you? Don't go into shock,' he said jokingly. I looked dull at him.

'Could you tell me what's the matter?' he asked slightly annoyed. He kept watching me intently and I looked at my hands again.

'Bella, talk to me,' he said again, but this time more demanding. When I heard the door open, I looked up and I saw five girls enter. The five girls. I automatically went closer to Edward for protection. He was the actor after all, not me. When he didn't put his arm around me, I looked up at his face.

'What, now you need me when they come?' he hissed in my ear. 'Don't be such a coward.' The harsh word made me flinch. He just said I'm strong and now I'm a coward? I wasn't looking at him anymore. I stared at the girls and they smirked at me. I think one of them gave me the finger, but my eyes were full of tears so my sight wasn't clear anymore.

I would never ever believe him again. I stood up and flew outside and just ran to some crowded place. I was crying and I felt so hearth broken. He was probably making fun of me right now with those girls. I don't know where I had ended, but there was nobody here. I stopped running and I saw a few people at the end of the street. It was hard to stop crying completely, but I didn't want anyone to see me crying.

'Look at her!' Someone called and I looked up in surprise. A few boys were pointing at me. I quickly took a side street and started to walk fast. When I looked behind me, I didn't see them. Maybe they had left me alone. Everything had been so messed up since last night. Every single thing.

I had reached the end of the street now and I was surprised when I was the same boys right in front of me. They were with the three of them.

'Where you going, tiny?' A big and scary one said. I backed away from them.

'No need to be scared of us,' a tall one said and suddenly coming forward and grabbing my shoulder. 'We're not doing anything,'

'Unless you want us to,' A boy with blond hair said. He looked so normal. He could have been one of my classmates.

'No,' I said. 'Rather not.' I didn't have anything to protect myself this time. Not even the desire. I looked at the one that still was holding me and he narrowed his eyes.

'Wrong answer, skinny,' the big and scary one said and he also came closer to me. Let them have me. I don't care about the pain. As if someone would ever notice I've been abused by a few boys in New York.

Nobody.

Charlie. I remembered Charlie. I hadn't called him. Not once. I had told him I would, but I didn't. And I couldn't just let these nasty boys have their time with me and then dump me. No. That would be too selfish. I needed to think of Charlie.

So I screamed as loud as I could and even after one of them hit my face, which caused me to fall on the ground, I could still hear the echo of my scream. Someone had to hear that. Please, let someone have heard that. One of them yanked me up and it was the big one. He pushed me against the wall and looked me straight in the eye.

'What the Hell is the matter with you? Do you want me to go hard on you? Would you like to get a few punches first before I get started with you?' He pushed my back against the wall again and this one made me scream in pain. I looked up at him in horror. He grabbed my chin and pushed my face up.

No one was coming my way. Nobody would come and help me. I closed my eyes briefly.

I heard some screaming coming from behind the guy that was holding me and when he turned around too, he just received a punch and felt sideways on the ground. He was knocked out in an instance.

'Get away from here,' Edward said, standing protectively in front of me and talking to the other two. They left and they both had a bloody nose and when they were far away, he turned around and grabbed my face.

'Are you crazy? Look at where the hell you'd run to! Are you really that sensitive?' he said angrily. I brought my face closer to his.

'No,' I replied. And I slapped his face hard. I leaned against the wall and didn't look at him. He was calling me sensitive. He was just a jerk and he didn't care. But I had been gone for a few minutes and he had to be close enough to have heard me scream. Had he followed me after all?

He came to stand closer to me and put his hands softly on my shoulders and he dropped his head on my left shoulder. I think he stayed like that for at least one minute. I wasn't sure if I could move. He felt a little tense.

'Are you alright?' I asked, but not really caring. He slowly lifted his head and watched me incredulous.

'I should ask you that!' he said, being angry again.

'I'm fine. You still haven't answered my question. Are you alright?' I said calmly. He dropped his head on my shoulder again.

'Fuck,' I heard him mumble.

'Don't swear,' I told him. He lifted his head again. He had a raised eyebrow, but he was also looking so tired.

'And why not?' he asked.

'Because it's a bad habit?' I said, not sure if he'd think it was a good reason.

'I have a few more bad habits,' he said. 'Damn it, how can you be so calm?' He was annoyed again.

I shrugged.

'At least you're talking to me again.' I got out of his grip and scowled at him.

'Leave me alone,' I said. After all, I had just run away from him.

'No. I have to explain. But first let's go somewhere else normal,' and he dragged me to a place where there were people again. He brought me to a terrace and first bought a coke. It wasn't a diet one.

'Look,' he said, and I looked up at him. He wasn't watching me, though. 'Something's wrong with me,' he said. I scowled at that. 'I have to be patient and calm with you. Instead, I screw things up.' I looked away, confused and he took my right hand with both of his hands. I looked down and I saw a huge hole in the shirt. Must have happened when I was punched down.

'I didn't mean what I said. When I get angry, I forget about the consequences.'

'You must have a lot of consequences then,' I replied dully, not sure if he understood that I meant that he got angry a lot. He gave my hand a squeeze and smiled.

'I don't get mad at you directly. I know you think I get mad at you, but I don't.'

'You'll be mad at me,' I said, looking at the hole. 'So amazingly mad.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Uhm, I think that when one of them punched my face and I felt on the ground, that the shirt was ripped open,' I almost whispered. I should have never worn this shirt.

Suddenly Edward stood up and softly held my face. He turned it around and pressed his cold fingers at my cheek.

'I hadn't even noticed that your cheek is swollen. Does it hurt?' he asked. I was momentarily confused, because I had heard words that I had not expect to hear.

'Edward, your shirt is damaged,' I said and looked up at him. He was still looking at my cheek. It was the left cheek, not the one with the wound on it. He looked at me again and looked thoughtful.

'So? You still haven't answered my question. Does it hurt?' he said slowly and smiled a genuine smile. Or that's what it looked like. He repeated a few words I had said a few minutes ago to him.

'Oh,' I said at his reply of 'so'. He lifted the shirt up until my waist.

'Damn it,' he said. He did mind. I wanted to explain him I really couldn't help it.

'I'm sorry, but I really-' I said.

'You've got a bruise here,' he said, interrupting me, touching the skin under the shirt. I looked down and it was hardly noticeable. He pushed his chair next to mine and sat down. 'Have you got any idea what would have happened if I hadn't heard you scream?'

'I would have gotten raped and possible murdered,' I said. He flinched at my words.

'Now there's something that would have made me suicidal,'

'Why?'

'Bella,' he said, watching me with a pained expression. 'Have I been that senseless? Have I been that harsh? Is it really impossible for you to believe that I don't want you to get hurt or scared?'

I looked up at him and he had hurt in his eyes. Actual hurt. It was visible and I had never seen it so clearly, not even on myself. It made him look so sad. Could he be saying the truth?

'I don't know. I just don't know. You keep confusing me and I never know if what you're saying is true. I never know your intentions. I never understand you. I have to keep guessing at the meaning of your words.'

He was watching me intently and slowly nodded his head. He put his head in his hands and now I was watching him intently.

'Now you look like a hurt, lonely and lost boy. But tomorrow you'll...' I said, but I didn't know what I should say. You'll be mean again? You'll hate me again?

'Now I'm showing you my real feelings, something I haven't showed anyone for years. Tomorrow I'll start acting again and pretend everything is fine so no one will have to see the real me,' he said with still his head in his hands. I looked at him in surprise and a little awe. He can't be lying about something like that.

'Are you hurt, lonely and lost?' I asked. He remained so still that it actually touched my heart and I slowly put my hand on his arm. He looked up and watched my hand on his arm. Then he watched me.

'Do you hurt other people, just to try and make your pain go away?' I tried to avoid his eyes, but when he wouldn't stop staring, I said, 'Didn't anyone ever tell you staring is rude?' He blinked and looked down.

'Another bad habit,' he smiled sadly. He looked up at me again and it looked like he was thinking about something. 'If you tell me if you're lonely, I'll tell you if I am.' I looked at him in surprise, but he wasn't watching me anymore.

'Why should I tell you?' I said.

'And why should I tell you?' he said, repeating my words.

'Fine, sometimes I am, but you have people around you and I don't. You're not lonely,' I said.

'Thank you for being honest. If only you trust me a little more, that's enough for me. Yes, I have people around me, but that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely, even when I'm around them. I am,' he said. 'All the time.' He took the coke and opened the can. I thought he would drink some of it himself, but instead he gave it to me. I took it and drank it, because I was thirsty again.

'Are you saying you're acting all the time? Your whole life is an act?' I asked in disbelief.

'Pathetic, I know,' he almost whispered.

'Why don't you want other people to see the real you?' I asked. He leaned over on the table and put his head on his arms.

'Edward?' He wasn't responding to me anymore. Maybe I was getting too personal.

'Anthony?' I asked with his other name, but that didn't help either.

'Don't make me go physical on you,' I tried, but he didn't laugh or anything. I sighed and slowly put my hand on his back. I tried to make soothing circles and I tried that for minutes.

'Now you aren't talking to me,' I pointed out. I think it had been ten minutes at least and I was really fearing for his health. Why was he suddenly so hurt? I noticed the bare skin on the back of his neck and I felt like the need that he had to respond on something I did to him. I was still looking at the bare skin.

A kiss. On the back of his neck. Please, let that be the answer. I had to do it now or else I would change my mind. I got up and leaned over his body. I slowly pressed my lips on his neck and stayed like that for a few seconds. I was counting in my head. Seven seconds. Was that enough? I slowly lifted my head again and sat back on my seat.

He still wasn't responding.

'Anthony,' I hissed, 'If you ever want to see your balls again, you'd better talk to me.' I had run out of ideas, and I hope this threat would help.

* * *

**A/N: **I had to stop somewhere or else this would have been a damn tall chapter! But the next chapter is actually nearly finished.  
Well, I couldn't make a kiss from 17 seconds, because in this case, it would have been long. I thought 7 seconds might be decent in this case.

**A/N for the soccer fans: **I'm going to watch soccer, because it's Holland playing tonight! It would actually really amaze me if they would win, they have come so far already. But I suppose Germany is good too :(


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.

**A/N: **The sun has burned my face and chest :(

* * *

**Fists and blood**

'What was that for?' he asked in a hoarse voice.

Ding, ding, ding! It worked.

'I'm sorry I had to threat, but you really weren't looking human anymore.'

'That's not what I meant,' he said, lifting his head. I looked confused at him. 'What was the kiss for?' And with that, he watched me in the eye.

'You're talking again, aren't you?' I said, suddenly feeling insecure and looking away. 'Besides, it was the threat that made you talk again, not the...' I said, not able to finish.

'Kiss?' he ended my sentence.

'Yeah,' I said in a sigh.

'See, that's where you are wrong again,' he said. 'Your kiss just startled me and I needed a few second to be able to say something, but you were already talking again, threatening me. Just a few more seconds of patience from your side and I would have been able to talk. You just startled me, that's all. And you kissed me for so long.' He looked surprised.

'I can't startle you. Usually it works the other way around. You know, you startle me,' I said, feeling more uncomfortable at what he said.

'You can startle me more often,' he said, taking my coke, and drinking it. I watched him carefully. 'What?' he asked a little innocently.

'See, this is one of the things that confuse me and I don't understand completely what you're saying,' I said.

'You can figure that one out on your own,' he said, winking. I didn't break the eye contact this time.

'Why can't you just say what you mean?' I asked.

'Because I don't want to startle you,' he said seriously. 'I want to be startled,' he said now with amusement, 'preferably by you.' I scowled at him.

'Are you saying... ?' I said, but then trailing off. No, he's just being an idiot again.

'Yeah...' he said. I looked up at him and tried to continue.

'...that you want me to...' but I still wasn't able to finish.

'Keep talking,' he said, drinking more coke again. He pushed it back in my hands and looked at me when he noticed I was quiet for too long.

'Almost there, Bella,' he said and grinned. I looked at his grinning face and I don't care what had just previously happened or that I had actually thought, for just a second, he might want me to kiss him. It was all just a game to him. Maybe he went for girls like me now? And next week it would be another kind. I slapped him hard in the face and since he had been already sitting very unstable in his chair, he fell over, along with the chair. I might have laughed, if it hadn't been Edward that I had just slapped out of his chair. I heard him get the chair straight again and he sat in it. I closed my eyes and sat straight up, not letting him know I was afraid of what he might say to me. However, I was afraid like shit.

'Mind telling me what that was for, love?' he asked. This time I almost fell out of the chair out of dizziness and Edward stabled me be putting his hands on my waist. I glared at him.

'Love?' I asked in confusion and horror.

'Mind telling me what that was for, love?' he said slower this time, smiling.

'Love?' I hissed in disbelieve and for some reason I felt like hitting him again. I had raised my hand, but of course Edward had already stopped it and held it in his hand. His other hand was still on my waist.

'It's funny the way your worry and fear can so easily change into annoyance, horror and even anger. You looked like you thought I might get a lace and press it against your neck. I'd rather want you to be angry than scared. At least you can fight when you angry.' He showed me my hand in his, indicating that I had just tried to hit him. 'When you're scared, you look like you want to be dead.'

'Okay…' I replied confused.

'Now, back to the original question. Mind telling me what that was for-' I looked up at him just in time and he just smiled and ended with, 'Bella?'

'I don't really remember. What did I do?' He rolled his eyes.

'Slap me out of my chair.'

'Oh, yeah. And what were you saying before that?' I asked. I had really forgotten.

'I think: "Almost there,"' he said.

'Oh, I remember. You had grinned.'

'Is that all?' he asked, raising his eyebrows.

'It just felt like you were making fun of me,' and I shrugged.

'Sorry, love,' he said very loudly. I tried to pull my hand out of his, so I could slap him again. Instead he brought my hand to his lips and gave me a soft kiss. I think he made it short, because I kept pulling my hand out of his. He let go of my hand and his other of my waist and watched me for a second before he said, 'Seems like I was right,' and lightning another cigarette. Not again.

'About what?'

'You are disgusted with my touch,' he said and shrugged. Was he kidding me? That is exactly what I thought about him. How can he think that about me? He was holding the cigarette in his other hand, so it was harder for me to reach. 'It doesn't matter, Bella. I understand.' He was completely misunderstanding. I was just confused because it was still weird for him to touch me. He had made it clear when we first met that he was disgusted by me.

'No, you misunderstand,' I said.

'Is that so?' he asked and I nodded. He was bringing his hand closer to mine and I quickly pulled back. 'I don't think so.'

'No, you don't understand,' I said.

'Try me,' he said. I looked up at him again and he waited.

'I can't,' I said, dropping my head. 'But I really am not disgusted.'

'Yes, you are,'

'I'm not lying. You know I'm a bad liar,'

'That's true. But I still think you are disgusted by my touch,'

'Really?' I said. I was expecting a quick yes, but instead he said something else.

'No, angel, but you are_ something_ by my touch. Maybe afraid?'

'Don't call me _angel_,' I whispered. 'I'm not afraid, because I don't care anymore about what you'll do to me.' His arms were around me and I tried to get out.

'Angel. Angel. Angel. Don't say that,' and I stopped struggling.

'Don't talk to me like that,' I hissed.

'Like what?' he asked, really confused.

'Like I'm your girlfriend,' I kept hissing.

'Whatever you want,' he laughed. 'You know, I just had an amazing idea,' he said, letting me go.

'No more ideas,' I said, rolling my eyes.

'And if you pass the test, I'll know you really don't mind me touching you,' he said, taking another drag at his cigarette.

'Oh yeah?' I asked and I stopped breathing when I smelt his cigarette.

'Yes. Close your eyes,' he said and I watched him as if I hadn't heard him. 'Just a little trust, Bella. Come on, what's the worst I can do?' he asked and I shrugged.

'Only you know,' I said.

'It was a rhetorical question, Bella. Just close them,' he said. I had started breathing again and I just closed them, like he had said. What. Ever. I nearly jumped out of the seat when I felt something against my lips. My eyes flew open and it was just Edward's fingers.

'Sorry, angel. You didn't pass the test,' he said.

'That's unfair. I didn't expect that,' I tried. Why did I react so jumpy?

'Doesn't matter,' he said and he took another drag. This time I smacked the cigarette out of his fingers and it flew over to the table of an older couple. They watched the cigarette and turned their heads, trying to see where it had come from. I tried to hide behind Edward and suddenly I felt his arm around me.

'You are so cute this way,' he said.

'Shut up,' I said. 'I just found out about your third bad habit.'

'Cigarettes?' he asked.

'Yes,' I said, still eying the older couple.

'Only people who have never tried one, would say that,'

'I'll remind you of that when you've got lung cancer,'

'Does that mean you want to be around me for that long? I didn't know you have it in you,' he said, giving me a pat on the shoulder.

'Don't flatter yourself,' I said and again annoyed by his pat. 'You can let go of me now.'

'No, I'm fine,' he said, pulling me closer to him.

'Excuse me?' I said. 'I'm not.' He didn't look like he was going to remove his arm so I grabbed his index finger and I got out of his arm. I let go of his finger and his hand landed on the table. He smiled at something.

'What?' I asked.

He shook his head and the smile grew bigger. He was trying to hide it by looking the other way, but I had already seen.

'What?' I asked annoyingly now. Suddenly he stopped smiling and came to sit closer to me again and put his arm around me again.

'Guess who's coming our way?' he whispered in my ear. I didn't have to guess, because I knew. I felt tears prick in my eyes as I violently remembered James laughter and the insults. I remembered also Edward at breakfast and I tried to get out of his arm, but he was only pushing me against him. One tear had fallen on my cheek and when I looked up, Edward was watching behind us. I quickly dried it off with my hand, but more were coming. It wasn't just because I remembered last night, but because I had a mixture of feelings and one of them was definitely annoyance towards Edward. I just didn't understand him.

'They are coming our way. We're acting again, alright?' he said and when he noticed I didn't respond, he looked down at me. He slowly kissed the side of my eye and asked, 'Too much?'

I nodded. Why did he say we're acting again? What were we doing just now? I thought that was act too.

'Let's go back to my room,' he said, drying away my tears. 'Can you hold them in?' he asked. I nodded. I was able to hold the rest in, but not for too long. He put his sunglasses on my eyes. 'They shouldn't see you crying. That might make me do something that would give me a few years of jail.'

'What are you talking about?' I asked, trying to take away the glasses but he slowly pushed my hands back.

'I am saying that I don't want them to see you cry over them. They will love that and I will hate that. They don't get to see your suffer. They aren't worth it and as I have told you yesterday, James isn't worth you.' He pulled me up by my waist and we walked past the girls. They were all looking pissed off. It surprised me that they didn't say anything. James wasn't there, so we'd still see him in the hotel.

It was a short walk and Edward didn't say anything. James noticed us immediately and I tried to avoid his eyes. James was staring at me directly and I realized he couldn't see my eyes because I was still wearing the sunglasses. He walked over to us and Edward pushed me closer to him. Did he even realize?

'Mind if I talk to Bella?' he asked Edward with that smile I had seen so often. It looked fake now.

'The only place you'll talk to her will be in court,' and he pushed me forward, to the elevator. What did Edward mean by that? At least he didn't just hand me over to James.

When we were in the elevator, James called from behind us, 'Bella, come to me if you need a real man,' and blew a kiss. I winced and Edward watched me for a second, and then he whispered, 'He's going to regret saying that, sweet angel,' and he turned around and walked out of the elevator, over to James. I couldn't see the rest, because the doors had closed and the lift was moving. When I was up, I waited for a few minutes, but then I went to Edward's room and just knocked. I didn't want to go down myself, but Edward might be in trouble. Emmett opened.

'Bella,' he said surprised.

'I think Edward's fighting downstairs with James. You should go and help him,' I said.

'No, he deserves a few punches,' Emmett said.

'This time he doesn't. Look, Emmett, he helped me last night. I had a date with James, but he and a few other girls did something awful. Please go help him,' I pleaded. 'Please.'

He looked confused for a moment, but got out of the room and called, 'Go in the room, I'll be back quick.'

I went inside and all I kept hearing was Edward's voice, saying 'sweet angel'. I stood in the room and I didn't have to wait for long.

Edward came back with cuts on his face and on both of his fists. I even saw some blood on his shirt.

'You stay there,' Emmett said, pushing him on the bed. 'You,' he pointed at me, 'come with me.'

'She can stay here,' Edward said.

'So you can have sex with her again? She's sick, Edward! Seriously ill and then you kiss her! I know she has anorexia and depressions and you just made it worse!'

'We didn't have sex,' Edward said. 'I wouldn't have sex with her.'

'What, she's not good enough for ya?' he said, walking dangerously over to Edward.

'That's not what I meant, Emmett. I'm saying that because of the condition she was in last night. We didn't have sex.'

'Yeah, right,' Emmett said.

'I told you I'm good, Bella,' he said. 'Even Emmett is convinced.' Emmett flew forward and punched Edward in the face. I stared in horror and when I saw blood coming out of Edward's mouth and nose, I flew forward too, but only to see where the blood was coming from exactly. I touched his lip and his blood was on my finger.

'You're bleeding too much,' I told him. 'Does it hurt?' I asked, watching all the blood.

'Emmett enjoys punching me, don't you, big brother?' he said, but winced. He had pain somewhere. Emmett was walking to Edward again, but I quickly put myself between them and turned around to stop Emmett with my hands.

'No more, Emmett. This is enough,' I said.

'That was only the warming up,' he said, but he wasn't watching me. He was watching Edward with some sort of insane animal look in his eyes. He had to get out of here. I tried to push him to the door and to my big surprise he didn't object. I opened the door, but instead he pushed me outside and closed the door and quickly locked it.

'Emmett!' I called, banging on the door. 'Open the door!' I heard a loud bang from the other side and it scared me. What was he doing?

'What the hell have you been doing with Bella?' Emmett said. 'Have you been threatening her? Because I will kill you if you have!'

'Actually, she threatened me,' Edward said and I heard another loud bang.

'Tell me the truth, Edward, if you care for your life,' Emmett said in a low voice. Emmett sounded so dangerous. I wanted to scream again, tell Emmett that Edward wasn't lying, but I was frozen.

'I found her crying last night and James, Tanya and Jessica and a few others made pictures of her while she was in her bra and underwear. She had become suicidal and I gave her alcohol, so she has forgotten about most of it. I have already called dad and he knows about her health. Could you stop choking me now? Call dad, because I know you don't believe me,' Edward said.

'Why would you kiss her twice when she doesn't mean a thing to you?'

'Because if you had been paying more attention, you would have noticed that you weren't the only one thinking we had sex. My goal was James and the girls. They think that now and that's all they get to think. That I had sex with Bella.'

'Are you crazy?'

'No,' Edward said. I heard some other noises and the door opened. Emmett came outside and closed the door shut. He took my hand and brought me to an empty place.

'Did you want him to kiss you?'

'He said it would help,' I said.

'Did you want him to kiss you?'

'He wouldn't let me get away with it.'

'Did you want him to kiss you?'

'No! Alright? No. But he did and no one can change that,' I said. Emmett was walking again and I followed him. He opened the door and I saw Edward with bruises on his shoulder and back. I saw this because he wasn't wearing a t-shirt. He looked hurt, damaged and hot.

Bella! Edward doesn't look hot.

I glanced at his body again.

Who am I kidding?

'Little brother,' Emmett called. Edward turned around and smiled. And got a punch in his face by Emmett. I stared at Edward in horror and he fell on the floor with a loud bang. 'That's for not knowing what 'no' means! If you ever do something Bella doesn't want, I'll make sure you'll never be able to hurt her again.'

I didn't really understand why Emmett was making such a fuss.

'Why do you keep being around him?' he asked me.

'Because his dad ordered him,' I said. Emmett looked surprised.

'Ask dad,' Edward just said. 'Please go. You too Bella. Take her with you, Emmett,' he said. His voice was too strained and I didn't like it. Emmett was still looking pissed but left and pushed me with him. When we were outside, I turned to Emmett.

'I'm going back,' I said.

'The asshole deserves to be alone,' he said angrily. I stared at him in disgust. No wonder Edward had said he was lonely if this was the way he was treated.

'No one deserves to be alone, Emmett,' I said and I turned around to go to the room. Emmett stopped me.

'You are not going back to him. Don't feel sorry for the idiot,' he said, looking very serious.

'You mean Anthony,' I said. He blinked and stared at me.

'What? He never wants to be called Anthony. He hasn't even told anyone. I didn't think he'd tell you,' he said in confusion, shaking his head.

'Seems like you don't know him then. If you don't mind, I have to go back,' and this time he didn't stop me. I opened the door and locked it behind me.

Edward was trying to get up, but he stopped struggling and just lay on the floor. I noticed some blood on his hands and I hated it when people bleed.

'I'm sorry,' I said. 'It's my fault he hit you. I should have told him I didn't mind you kissing me.' Edward turned on his back and I could see his face now. It was a bloody mess, literally. Where did all the blood come from? I just took his arm and pulled at it. I sort of pushed him on the bed and he just lay down.

Actually it would be better to clean the wounds in the bathroom. So I pulled his arm again and dragged him to the bathroom and he landed on the floor and lay down again. He closed his eyes and just stayed like that.

Like I said. I would never understand him. I found a towel and made it wet with warm water. I tried to be careful with the wounds on his face. They were all just small scratches in his cheek but also one big one. His one was also on his right cheek. I hope his nose wasn't broken again. He had blood on his lips and I tried to get that away too. He had pretty lips. No more denying. I can't believe those lips had touched mine.

When his face was free from blood, I took his left hand and examined it. It didn't look broken or anything. Maybe just bruised. I cleaned the blood away from his knuckles and also the ones from his other hand.

Maybe some cold water would help for the bruises on his shoulder, back and face. So I got another towel and made it wet with cold water. I just pressed it lightly on the bruises on his shoulder and I made the towel wet again. I did this a few times and when I was also done with his face and also his back, he still wouldn't open his eyes. He couldn't be sleeping.

I remembered Emmett's other words. He had hit him more often and he had caused more blood than when I had hit him that night when he was drunk. Maybe he didn't deserve to be hit by me that night. Of course he was drunk and he had tried to kiss me, but I could have stopped him on some other way. Edward bled so easily.

'Maybe you should rest for a while... Anthony,' I said. I took his arm and brought him to the bed. He was walking but his eyes had been closed all the time. I was surprised because he either trusted me enough to walk with his eyes close or he really was in pain and didn't care. He sat on the bed and I took off his shoes. He lied on the bed and was still again.

'I'll be back in just a second,' I said. I opened the door and locked it behind me. I went to my room and got the box with pain killers that were mine. I also had sleeping pills, but never used them. I took those too. I went to Edward's room again and filled a glass with water. I took two pain killers and tried to lift Edward. 'Take these,' I said. His eyes were close and he wasn't moving. I considered pushing the pills roughly in his mouth, but I stopped when I saw the wounds on his lips. I didn't realize I was staring too long at his lips and I quickly blinked. I slowly put one pill in his mouth and he did drink the water. I gave him the other pill and he drank that one too. I just added one sleeping pill to it.

I sat on the bed. Everything about him made him look sad. His face. His voice. His helplessness. The blood that had been on his face. The blood that had been on his hands. When Emmett didn't believe him when he was telling the truth. The wounds on his cheeks.

Right now I couldn't see him as the cruel guy. Right now I saw a broken boy. I once thought to myself that so much beauty shouldn't be spilled on just one person. Well, the same goes with hurt. Not that hurt can be spilled. But he had too much of it and he didn't try and hide it. He knew I saw it.

'Is there anything you want?' I asked. It was eleven o'clock.

'You,' he said. I turned my head to watch his face. It wasn't hard now since his eyes were close. I kept staring at him, but he didn't say anything anymore. I took off my shoes and considered myself crazy for doing this.

'I'm here,' I said. I tried to touch his hand, but I wasn't sure he might want that. So I slowly lay on the bed and I did keep my distance.

Eventually, I just put my hand on his bare chest, not caring if he would mind. I looked at his chest hair and I realized that he wasn't a boy. He was practically a man. Wasn't he seventeen? He suddenly opened his eyes, looked at the ceiling, quickly blinked a few times and closed them again.

I had frozen at what I had seen. His eyes were wet. He was holding back tears. And I just realized that he doesn't only have wounds on the outside. The bad ones were on the inside. What had made him so sad? This is Edward Cullen. I don't know why, but I hugged him with both of my arms. I put my head on his chest. It wasn't really comfortable this way for me, but I could manage it for a few minutes.

I had thought that he might respond. Say something or put his arms around me or push me away. But there was nothing. Right now I wouldn't have minded if he had pushed me away. At least he would have responded. Sometimes no response is worse than a bad response.

He wanted me to startle him. If that wasn't act, that meant he would want me to kiss him.

I could go for no response and stay like this. Or I could go for the bad response and kiss him.

I went for the bad response. I lifted my head and let go of his body. I made sure I wasn't touching him anywhere. I waited for a minute, just staring at his lips. I quickly went forward and just made a light press and quickly went back. I hope that made the category kiss. His kisses of this morning were different. Longer.

I hope he even noticed.

Who was I kidding? He didn't like me. Even Emmett had said that I didn't mean a thing to Edward. Not that I wanted to. He didn't respond and he wouldn't. I just turned around so that my back was turned against him.

This was a bad response too. It was silly of me, but it hurt. It hurt to know that it had been an act. About him wanting to be startled by me. Or maybe I had misunderstood. Maybe I had just gotten wrong ideas, just like always.

No, this wasn't a bad response. A bad response would have been an insult, a scream, a swear, anything that would involve me getting hurt and run away out of this room. This was a horrid response.

I startled when I felt his hand on my arm. He brought it down slowly and then he held my hand. He pushed me closer to him, so that I was pressed against him. I held in my breath.

And I waited.

But the bad response wouldn't come. He wasn't yelling at me. Instead of pushing me away, he was pushing me closer. He was lying still again. He must have fallen asleep.

We stayed like that for one hour. I kept awake and after that one hour I realized there weren't going to come any bad responses.

I slowly tried to get out of his embrace and I sat on the bed. I sighed loudly.

What a messy morning.

I glanced at Edward and he had so many bruises. They were bluer now and some places of his skin were red, because it was swollen. I'd better have a talk with Emmett. You can't treat people this way. Maybe I could just call him.

'Edward,' I whispered. 'Are you awake?' I pushed him a little, but he didn't wake up. I slowly got his phone out of his pocket and walked to the bathroom. I closed the door and searched for Emmett's number. I dialed it.

'Fuck you,' Emmett said.

'Nice talking to you again, Emmett,' I said in a nice voice.

'Bella?' he asked confused.

'Yes, it's me. Edward's sleeping, but I have something to say to you. Did you know Edward actually has a heart? Feelings just like the rest of us. Do you have any idea what you have done to him? There are bruises all over him and painful wounds. Do you always fight with people that can't fight back? Do you want to know a secret, Emmett?'

'What?'

'He was holding in tears. I saw it and he thinks I didn't see. But I did and now you know too. Please, Emmett. Don't hurt him like that again. Next time I won't be around to help him.'

'Are you at our room now, Bella?' he quickly asked.

'Yeah,' and suddenly the phone was shut off. I stared incredulous at it. Did he hang up on me? I just stayed in the bathroom until someone was knocking on the door. I opened the bathroom door and then the front door. Emmett just pushed it open and walked past me. He went straight for Edward and stopped to stare at him.

'He's had worse,' Emmett slowly said. I went over to Emmett and pushed his arm so he would face me.

'I hope not!' I said.

'No, you're right. This is the worst he's gotten. He needs painkillers.'

'Already taken care of,' I said, folding my arms.

'And he needs sleeping pills. It's best if he rests for a while.' I just stared at him. 'Also taken care of?' he asked, but he already knew the answer by the look on my face.

'He's your brother,' I said, pointing at Edward.

'I know,' he whispered.

'When was the last time you did something together?'

'What?'

'When was the last time you two laughed together?'

'Bella...'

'Do you care for him?'

'Those questions are silly,' he said uneasily.

'No they are not. They are important and easy. If you care for him, you'll stay here and be the brother he needs.' It looked like he didn't really dare to disagree or argue, so he just sat on the bed.

'Has he been hard on you?' he asked.

'He... he is strange. I don't think he's got himself figured out yet.' I headed for the door.

'Where are you going?'

'Just to my room,' I said with a shrug.

'No, you don't. Edward is supposed to stay around you. Since he can't, which is my fault, I know, you're stuck with me. I called dad and it seems like he was saying the truth.'

'Yay. Another Cullen.' I fake cheered.

'Thanks, Bella,' he said, shaking his head.

'What did you expect?' I asked him.

'I'm not that awful,' he said. 'Can you tell me what happened last night?' I didn't even want to think about it.

'Not really. You can ask Edward. Tell him I wouldn't mind him talking about what happened.'

'I wonder why he is being different around you.' I just shrugged.

'He's been his usual self,' I said. 'He was acting this morning downstairs.'

'No, he was not,' Emmett said.

'Yes, he actually was. It was a plan he made.'

'Yes, alright, maybe in the bigger picture. But at some moments he looked sincere. Whatever he was telling you, it was true. That was definitely not acting.' He looked up at my face. 'Please let that not be a sex wound. It's been the number one question since this morning.' I touched the wound on my cheek.

'I fell last night. But Edward will tell you this too. We didn't have sex. We just talked.'

'So are you two cool now?'

'Cool? No, when we are back, he'll leave me alone again and things will go back to normal. Just like it has always been, right?'

'Is that what he told you?'

'No, but the question doesn't have to be asked.'

'I have another question.'

'Do tell.'

'Why are you wearing_ that_?' he said, pointing at the shirt.

'Oh, yeah. Also part of Edward's plan. Maybe to make it look real.'

'There's a hole in it,' he said, looking worried.

'I know and even Edward knows. He's going to kill me, I guess.'

'I won't, said you're worth it,' Edward's hoarse voice said. I looked at him, but his eyes were closed. Emmett looked up at me, uncomfortable. I mouthed the word 'sorry' at him.

'How long have you been awake?' Emmett asked, pretending he didn't see me.

'Truce,' Edward whispered.

'I'm not here to punch you,' he said. 'You look like shit.' Edward smiled a little. 'Don't smile. It hurts.'

'Yeah,' Edward said.

'Man, I went too far with you. I'm glad you had Bella around you for that moment. She didn't take advantage of you, did she?' he said jokingly.

'She kissed me,' Edward said and Emmett rolled his eyes and then looking back at Edward again. I looked in alarm at Edward, but his eyes were still closed.

'In your dreams, Edward. Maybe she won't even come there,' and he winked at me. I smiled quickly and looked at Edward. His eyes were finally open and he was looking at me.

'Maybe I should go,' I said, looking at Emmett again. They were having fun. Sure I was involved, and kissing and Emmett was insulting Edward in a silly way, but they were talking and I was in the way. I hadn't even taken one step though to the door before I was stopped.

'No,' they both quickly said. There was an awkward silence.

'Where's Jasper?' I asked just to make a conversation.

'With Alice. By the way, Tanya is crying.'

'Oh no,' I muttered. When I looked up, two pairs of incredulous eyes were watching me. 'It's just that she's in pain.'

'Bella, do you sympathize with everyone?' Edward asked. 'You know what she did to you!'

I shrugged.

'I don't compare what thing was worse. She's crying now. She must feel awful.'

'She's probably stopped by now,' Emmett said. I was trying to think what to do best. Yeah, we convinced everyone that we had sex. No good had come from it. It didn't matter at all.

'I want to go down.'

'No, you're not going to Tanya,' Edward said, sitting up on the bed.

'I'm not going to Tanya,' I said.

'You looked away,' he said, and I turned my head to him. He just shrugged. Oh yeah, the first rule to act successful. Emmett was looking like he was missing something. Had I looked away?

'Fine. I am going to go to Tanya and just tell her we were acting.' Edward shot out of bed and it couldn't have been easy. He stood in front of me and I tried hard not to think of him as a hot boy. He looked like he wanted to say many things at the same time.

'Why?' he eventually asked.

'Because I don't feel any better, so why should she feel any worse?'

'Doing this will cause you harm,' he said. 'Besides, so what that she feels worse?'

'Hurting someone else to make your pain go away, remember?' I said. He nodded a little. 'Well, I'm not like that.'

'Remind me,' he said, crossing his arms and coming closer to me, 'what do you want to tell her?'

'Oh, I would... I was thinking... At least...' I said and then just dropped my head.

'Great plan,' he said, tapping my shoulder. I snapped my head up and he smiled.

'Like yours was great,' I pointed out.

'No, but better. Just a minute, Bella.' He went to the closet and found a blue blouse. He wore his shoes again and came to me.

'You're staying here, Emmett?'

'Need me?'

'Ever did?'

'Then yes, I'm staying,' he said and Emmett actually laughed. Edward smiled a little and he opened the door and let me get out first.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: **Not my characters, but SM.

**A/N: **So, I'm 17 and a T rated story is for people around 13 and older, but... I don't know if some bits are appropriate for 13 year olds... the first time I had a sort-of-condom talk with my friend, was when I was 14 so I guess I'm not breaking any rules with this chapter. And the next (you'll see). Enjoy.

* * *

Fools say sorry. Wise men will prove they are sorry.

* * *

**One inch**

'So, what's the plan?' I asked.

Edward stopped walking. 'Plan?' he asked in panic.

'Edward!' I said, also in panic. He said he had it figured out. No, wait; he hadn't actually said those words.

'What?'

'I thought you had figured this out.'

'Yes, I have,' he said with a smug face. I examined his face and rolled my eyes at his expression.

'Were you acting? You can really stop that now. It's bugging me.'

'I know,' he said. 'I'm glad you've forgiven me.'

This time I stopped walking and he turned around with some weird expression on his face. 'I haven't,' I said a bit hesitant, like I wasn't sure for myself. Edward was really mixing my brain up.

'So, you're telling me,' he said walking over to me, 'that you are willing to go to Tanya,' now I was walking backwards, because he had almost reached me, 'to tell her we were acting,' my back hit the wall, 'just to make her discomfort and pain go away? If you do that, it would kind of be the same like forgiving her for last night, right?'

I was only able to nod, but that was mostly out of fear to disagree. At least he had stopped walking.

'How can your anger for what she has done to you, go away so fast and easily, like it was nothing? Like she hadn't made you suicidal. Like she hadn't made you cry. She's been a cruel bitch to you and you actually care for her now. Not once did she apologize.'

'Your point?' I asked, even though I was figuring it out.

'My point, Bella,' he said angered. 'I have apologized. I've been nice. And you still can't forgive me.'

'Are you really comparing now? You and Tanya did two total different things.'

He was making me uncomfortable. He was a guy. Girls were more sensitive. They cried more often. He could handle it. He didn't need my forgiveness. And what he did was real. He wanted those things at those moments and he was mean, just by being his usual self. What we did was acting and make Tanya cry.

'If you really want to do this, I will consider everything I've done to you, forgiven.'

'What? You can't say that!'

'I just did.'

I tried to glare at him, but didn't succeed very well, because of his grin. Again that grin that made me want to slap it of off his face.

'When have you been nice? When you realized that I skipped meals and didn't take my medicine? When I bumped on you half naked, crying? When I was suddenly suicidal and that you had no other choice but to be nice? Or maybe when you realized that you might be in trouble when we get back to Forks and Dr. Cullen will realize about your plan? Is that when? Do you really want to compare? And so what about your sorry's? Do you think they meant anything to me? Even if they were sincere, it still would have meant nothing to me, because… It doesn't… Lying all the time…' I tried to see what else I could say and in the meanwhile I looked up at Edward. The grin was gone and he was staring with a blank expression. I didn't know what so ever what he was feeling now. 'Well, I'm doing this and I still don't forgive you.' I turned to the elevator.

'With your magnificent plan,' he softly said. I stopped walking. This guy knew exactly how to piss me off. I turned around angry.

'I shouldn't have stayed with you. I should have just left you there on the floor. You didn't deserve my help. I can't believe I helped you! That... I actually...'

_Cared_.

'No, you shouldn't have stayed,' he said, pointing his finger at me. 'You should have left and I didn't deserve your help. I can't believe it either. Why did you kiss me, anyway?' he asked in suddenly a harsh tone.

'I didn't,' I tried to say not too loud. This hotel was filled with people I knew. School people. Not friends, just people to me.

'Bella, do you need me to repeat what you did? Don't play dumb with me.' I looked up surprised at him and his words. He just raised an eyebrow and I could tell he was not joking about that first thing he had said. I hated it when he did that. What was it about him? I had only tried to be nice to him. I definitely should have listened to Emmett. But then again, it was Emmett's words that made me go to Edward. Emmett had been harsh and I didn't like that.

I turned around and went to a part of the hotel that I had never been. As long as I was away from him.

'Run away, but you can't hide,' Edward said from right behind me. I turned around violently and pushed his chest. He didn't even take a step backwards after my push.

'You said you wanted to be startled. I assumed you meant kissing. But I'm stupid, so I had it figured out wrong. Go ahead. Laugh at me. I don't care anymore,' I said defeated, dropping my eyes.

He slowly walked closer to me, because I saw his feet.

'I did mean kissing. But I was only making conversation.'

'Conversation?' I repeated confused.

'Yeah, I thought you'd forget the moment I told you,' he said, running his hand trough his hand. 'Shit!' he suddenly said. 'I just can't believe…' he said, trailing off. He looked at me and his eyes went to my lips. Then he stared at my eyes and looked at my lips again.

'Eh, don't stare,' I said, tucking my hair behind my ear and moving uncomfortably. His eyes were at the right place again, my eyes.

'Just wondering...' he said, crossing his arms.

'What?' I snapped at his vagueness.

'It's the second time you kissed me voluntarily. I find it hard to understand, since you haven't forgiven me. You want to know another strange thing? When Emmett pushed you out of the room, you were still there, behind the door.'

'Of course,' I said, but still confused.

'Why didn't you go? Or even run? Your only escape chance, but you stayed. And then Emmett brought you away and one minute later, you're in my room again.'

'I-' I said, starting all confident, but then nothing came. Why didn't I just leave?

'Take your time,' he said with a mock expression. He was so much nicer when he was covered in blood.

'The thought didn't occur to me, I suppose,' I said trough gritted teeth.

'Maybe you care for me,' he said with a smile.

'No, I don't,' I said a second later then I intended to answer, but I had been looking at his smile. Had he noticed? 'Would you leave someone when you know that person is in pain? Emmett could have killed you!' Edward rolled his eyes. 'What, you weren't scared? I know I was,' I confessed.

He shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. Then he looked down. It made him look sad, like, just for that moment, he didn't care about life anymore.

'You were, weren't you?' I insisted.

'Shut up, Bella,' he said, with annoyance in his voice.

'You don't have to be scared anymore. I told him not to hit you anymore.'

'I said, shut up,' he screamed, pushing my back against the wall. My head hit the wall too and I gasped as I felt pain on the back of my head. I fell on the floor and this time my head came in contact with the floor.

I grabbed my head and tried to lift it to see where Edward was.

'Damn it! Shit, Bella, are you alright? I didn't mean that.' He pushed me back on the floor when I tried to get up and then I tried to back away from him. 'No, don't be scared of me. I shouldn't have pushed you. It was way out of the line.'

I tried to sit up, but he made sure I laid down.

'You hit your head pretty hard. It's best to stay down for a while.'

'I'm fine,' I said.

'Trust me,' he said matter of factly, but in fact, I didn't trust him. So I just lay there and occasionally I glanced at Edward and he was just looking at me. Each time I quickly averted my eyes. My head was hurting more and more, but I tried to hide it and not to let that show on my face. So the next thing Edward told me really surprised me.

'You're in pain,' he said.

'Why would you think that?' I said.

'You try very hard to hide it, but it's noticeable on your face. I really am sorry. I don't know what had gotten into me.'

'Don't worry about it. I won't mention it again,' I said, feeling ashamed for pushing it at him. It wasn't like we were friends or anything.

'God, Bella. I really-'

'Forget it, it was my fault,' I said with a little more force in my voice.

'For not being able to keep my rage in?' he asked sarcastically. 'How is that your fault?'

'Maybe I shouldn't have pushed it. I just didn't know-'

'That I would hit you against the wall and make you not trust me at all anymore?' he asked in rage again. 'You know, Bella. Stop saying _shit._' I dropped my eyes and he was like a changed Edward. I felt like I couldn't say anything around him anymore. Not that I ever could, but now he had actually pushed me against the wall. He would either hit me or be mean again. He would just be confusing me more.

'I try so hard,' he said in a softer voice, taking my hands and pulling me up. 'But the effort is wasted. I keep saying the wrong things. Keep acting wrongly. And instead of gaining some trust, I keep losing it all in just a blink.' I grabbed my head when it began to throb uncontrollably. 'You need painkillers.'

'Don't need them,' I said. I looked up at his face which turned to annoyance and even anger. I took a step back. I wasn't scared or anything, but he might do something that he might not regret now, but maybe later. He watched me doing it, but didn't say anything about it or teased or mocked or taking a step in my direction.

'You're not staying in the pain I have caused,' he said. I took another step back, slowly, just to make more distance, but he saw. 'Bella, I am not violent.'

'I'm just... making distance. Just precaution in case...'

'In case I am?' he ended for me.

'Stop ending my sentences,' I said with a glare and a little fear. I didn't really think he was violent, just pushy.

'I'm pretty good at it, don't you think?' he said with amused eyes, but the glare was also still in there.

He glanced at the distance that I had made and sighed. He slowly shook his head. Suddenly he looked thoughtful and smiled. 'I know what you need. Did you have protection?'

'What?'

'When you were about to have a date with James, did you have protection?' he asked, looking serious.

_Is Edward talking... sex... with _me?

'You mean... like... a condom?' I asked, not looking at him.

'Seriously Bella,' he said and even though I couldn't see him, he definitely rolled his eyes. 'Come on,' he said and he turned back to go to the elevator.

I slowly followed him. Confused and embarrassed as I was, I wasn't able to tell him that we had to go to Tanya. Well, I didn't need him for that. When I would see her, I would just go to her and tell her.

We waited silently for the elevator to come. I kept staring at the doors and hated myself for mentioning condoms. He probably thought I was a moron now. He chuckled lightly at something, but I pretended that I hadn't heard it. The doors opened and I quickly went to the back of the elevator. Edward slowly entered with a humored expression and slowly turned around so his back was facing me. He pressed the button and the lift doors closed and the lift moved. I would give up anything right now to know what he was thinking.

When the doors opened, I just followed him and stared at the ground all the time. After ten minutes of silent walking, it seemed like we were going to the shops. It looked like he was searching for something and eventually he went inside a store. He pushed the door close and I frowned. I just yanked it open and followed Edward. He picked up a Durex packet. I just looked away, staring at the floor again.

_Wait... does this mean he thought that James would actually have _sex_ with _me_?_

He did say that I shouldn't. How very confusing.

'Bella?' he asked. I looked up. His expression was confusion.

'How old are you?' he asked me all of a sudden.

'Seventeen, like you,' I answered. 'We're in the same class, after all.' Then his expression quickly changed to amusement. What was it that amused him all the time? He held up the packet and I could just see the sparks of humor spurting out of his eyes.

'This is protection against STD. However, this isn't the kind of protection I was talking about.' He put the condoms back and walked to somewhere else. He picked up something and made a movement with it. A blade came out. He smiled when he saw my face.

'Seems more like it, don't you think?'

'You want me to kill a boy?'

'No. Maybe cut of certain body parts?'

'Interesting...' I said, scowling. 'But no thanks to that.'

'You're getting it anyway,' he said, going to the counter and buying it. 'I meant protection against guys like James… and me.' I tried to see if he was joking but he gave me a penetrating stare, and I made it a challenge by staring back. Then his eyes moved to my lips, and that made me step away from him quickly. He smirked. 'That's what I meant.'

'Hello!' a cheerful blonde girl with black highlights through her hair said. I jumped up at her enthusiastic voice. 'This one for you? That will be 7 dollars, please. You know, we give couples a free packet of condoms. It's the newest taste. Enjoy!' She gave Edward the knife thing and the condoms. Actually, why were there so many condoms in this store? I looked around and for the first time I realized this wasn't a normal store.

_What the hell was _that_? _What is this store? I looked up at Edward and he had been watching me. He was looking as if he was trying very hard not to laugh. He pushed me out of the store, almost making me trip.

'You law breaker,' he laughed out loud, once we made it outside. 'I thought you would wait outside.'

'What for?' I asked confused. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. My back was facing his front and I looked up.

'That for,' he said, pointing. Sex shop?

'How old are you?' I asked a little faint.

'I've just turned nineteen. You thought I was seventeen. Do you regret sleeping with me now, innocent Bella?' he said still laughing.

'We didn't sleep together,' I whispered.

'I meant sleep like literally sleep, not sex. You have a dirty mind Bella! I should have known.'

'Shut up,' I said. 'You are the one that screws around with the girls.' He looked momentarily surprised.

'So?' he asked, not even denying it with his perfect acting skills.

'That makes you the one with the dirty mind.'

'So?' he asked again.

'Ugh, go away,' I said, pushing him away and walking to the other direction. I didn't bother to look back. Of course he was walking behind me. A man with sun glasses walked past me and trough his sunglasses I noticed that Edward was walking rather close behind me. I wanted to try something and speeded my pace. I felt like James Bond. After a minute I came to a halt and Edward bumped into me, cursing at the sudden halt.

'Bella!' he said in annoyance and confusion.

'Always expect the unexpected,' I said and turning around with a smile on my face.

'You strange girl,' he said with an amazed expression on his face.

'You're going to hit me again?' I asked. I knew he wasn't, but I suddenly felt like pissing him off. Maybe something happened with my brain when I bumped it against the wall and ground.

'I would really do anything to get that thought out of your head,' he said annoyingly.

'Like hit me?' I asked with a smile and I suddenly realized I was teasing him.

'Are you asking for it?' he asked, walking next to me this time.

'Maybe...' I said slowly and he raised a fist and slowly brought it to my cheek and softly put it there, giving me a soft punch.

'Is that all?' I asked, laughing at what he had just done.

'You should really consider stabbing me with that knife. What I just did was unforgivable.'

'Where should I stab you?' I asked, playing along.

'Anywhere you want, but not too hard. Have mercy for me, Bella.' I pulled out the knife with a little effort and held it up.

'Never,' I said and I wanted to raise my hand more, but instead I dropped it. Edward caught it in mid air and this time he held the knife. I turned around.

'No, you don't!' he said and pulled my arm so I was facing him again. He pressed the blade against my neck.

'Edward,' I whispered in panic. My heart went crazy.

_What was he doing?_ I felt more pressure against my neck and it made me walk backwards. Edward kept pressing until my back hit the wall. I felt tears in my eyes. Even though I wanted to, I couldn't look anywhere else than at his eyes. He kept staring right back, but not with anger or annoyance. I didn't like this anymore. Not this way.

'And that's the first way to make a guy stop from something he's doing if you don't want him to do whatever he is doing.' The pressure was off of my neck now and he held the knife in front of me. I knocked it out of his hand out of anger, but mostly out of fear and a tear fell on my cheek. I rubbed my neck and looked at my fingers, checking for blood. Edward scowled.

'Don't cry,' Edward said. He wiped the tear away with his thumb. Edward was watching me carefully. 'Alright. So no fooling around with the knife on the girl's neck.' He picked up the knife and put it in my hand. 'Go on,' he said. 'Do what I just did.'

I shook my head.

'I want to see if you know how to protect yourself. Come on, do the same.' I raised my hand, but he held my wrist and stopped me. I tried to get out of his grip.

'Why are you holding me? I didn't stop you.'

'You think the person that will assault you will just let you kill him? So what now?' he asked. 'Well, first, you have to be faster with the attack. But I stopped you anyway. The knife is useless.' I stared at him in disbelief.

That _will _assault you? He made it sound like there was someone that might someday rape me. And why buy a knife if it is useless?

'You are useless,' I said, letting go of the knife and yanking my hand out of his grip. I yanked so hard that my hand hit the wall behind me and that made me wince a little. He rolled his eyes and smirked at me.

'Do you want to learn or not?' he asked.

'I will never learn it right if I don't have a good teacher,' I said, walking fast away again.

'You've got the best here right in front of you,' he said from behind me.

'And yet you haven't taught me anything.'

'Bella, come on. Let me teach you this.'

'I'd rather be raped than be taught by you!' I screamed out of rage. I didn't mean a word of it. Not at all. He didn't say anything for a while, but eventually did stop me and turned me around.

'You don't mean that, Bella. Don't say shit like that.'

'I just did,' I said with a smug face, repeating his own words.

'Ah, Bella,' he said with a pained expression. 'Alright, don't deny out loud. But I am certain you don't mean that. Look, you should be able to defend yourself.'

'I won't see James anymore when we're back in Forks,' I murmured.

'James isn't the only player in the whole wide world, Bella. It's a big world.'

'Oh, shut up,' I said. 'Maybe you're forgetting that I am a big girl.'

Edward came to stand in front of until he was actually touching me and I had to look up.

'Big girl, my ass. You're two years younger than I am and what are you, like 5'3?'

'No! I am 5'4!'

'One whole inch,' he said, rolling his eyes. 'Making a fuss about one inch.'

'Well, not everyone can be,' I looked at him and made a guess, '6'1.'

He smiled. '6'2.'

Damn this boy.

'One whole inch!' I mimicked his voice.

'Touché.'

I gave him a push to make room between us, because I wasn't in the mood to step away myself.

'Good start,' he said.

'What?'

'The push. Always let guys know if they are getting into your personal space.'

That made me laugh. 'Personal space? What is that?' The look on his face made me stop laughing instantly. It was as if he was wondering how high my IQ really was. He quickly changed his expression to a smile. Then he walked to a place where the ground was sandy. He turned and saw that I was still at the same spot, which was around 15 yards away from him.

'You coming?' he asked, shoving his hands in his pocket. Maybe this was my chance to run away. I would have a head start. I would get rid of Edward. I could go to my room. Be alone again.

_Alone._

Did I want to be alone?

'You know, Bella,' he said, while I was still hesitating about my escape, 'even with the head start, I would still catch up with you. Go ahead, try. _If _you don't believe me.' I glared at him.

'You have to mock, don't you?'

'Hey, I'm just saying,' he said all too innocently. I walked all too defeated over to him with my head down. When I reached him, I didn't bother looking up. I did, however, when he put his foot in the sand and made a circle around me. Then he stood in front of me, out of the circle. The distance from me until the circle was around four feet.

'Every bit inside the circle is your personal space. In that place only friends and other people you know well, are allowed to get in. Any other people should stay out of it, like this,' he said, pointing at himself. 'But, not everyone bears that in mind. Either they do it intentionally or unintentionally, they do get into your personal space.' I looked at his feet and he put a step into the circle. 'Like this.'

'And what if there is this person that - uh... that gets into that place, I mean, the personal space, much too often without getting out of it,' I said talking to his feet.

'Just step back. Or push him away. The first works the best, tough, with strangers.'

'Right. And what if he comes anyway, you know... like, uh, right now?' I said, trying to make clear that he was, after all, in my personal space, or whatever.

'What a jerk,' he said, actually walking closer. I looked up to make him stop with my eyes.

'He is,' I said.

'What are you going to do about it?' he asked, sounding genuinely curious.

I dropped my head. 'There's not much I can do.'

His laugh made me look up again. 'I don't advice you to run. Because the odds are high that he can and will outrun you.'

'He also threatens me, a lot,' I said. He laughed again. 'I don't understand. How can someone that hates me so much bare to be so close to me?'

'Bella, I-he doesn't hate you. How can you know for sure? How well do you know him?'

'You don't have to know someone well to know if he hates you.'

'I disagree with you. He might have issues.'

'Issues?' I choked out.

'Yes. Big issues.'

'Well, it's not like I ever will know. Or that I even want to know.'

'Why don't you ask him?' he asked me, and this suddenly felt stupid because we were talking about Edward. 'Have you asked him: "Do you hate me"?'

'I can't ask him. It's a stupid question. It's no use.'

'Again I disagree-'

'Because,' I interrupted, 'he's a great actor.' This time he grimaced.

'That's might be a problem. Everything he tells you might be a lie.'

'Exactly.'

'And that makes him gaining your trust actually impossible.'

'Yes,' I grinned. Finally, he was getting it!

'But he won't stop.'

'What?' I asked and my happy feeling left me.

'He wants you to know that he's sorry. And you won't believe him. So he has to continue to make you see that he is so, very, deeply, truly sorry.'

I looked at his face in annoyance. 'Tell him not to bother.'

'And he's trying very hard on an explanation. Because it's causing him harm.' He noticed my confused expression. 'You said that if he doesn't give an explanation, that it will eventually cause him harm, remember? At the roof of the building.'

Of course I remembered that. Why did he suddenly change the subject? 'I think it won't be hard to get your siblings back,' I said, not even bothering with the 'he' and 'him' anymore. I had told him that he had to work on an explanation for his brothers and sister. 'You can't just stop loving someone.'

'Why not?' he asked. Was he asking me stuff? He was the one that knew everything.

'You just can't. Not that easily anyway.' I made it sound like I was an expert, but I really wasn't. The only person I had ever really loved was my mother and also my dad. And even though they had forced me into things, like going to the clinic and this holiday, I wouldn't and couldn't just stop loving them and hate them instead. That's just impossible.

He nodded. '_He_ didn't mean his siblings. It's causing him harm, because he hasn't given you an explanation. To make you understand.' He had said it so softly and I hated that it touched me every time he was talking so sad and hurt.

_Was I falling for a lie or might this be the truth?_

'And he knows that he's hurting you at that process as well. He knows that he is still hurting you.'

'Edward-'

'And he knows that everything he has done to you is engraved into your memory and is constantly causing you pain,' he interrupted.

'No-'

'And when he finally has his explanation, he won't tell it at his mother or his father first. Not his brothers or sister. He will tell it to you. The person that really deserves to get the explanation. The person that has too much pain in her body that _I_ have put in there.' I looked at him in shock, because he didn't say 'he'.

'Me,' he added to my annoyance. 'Edward Cullen.'

'Are you done?' I asked a little defeated. I wasn't fooling him at all. He knew about the pain.

'You're right,' he said, staring at his feet and then at the fading circle that he had made. 'I do keep coming into your personal space. I keep touching you in ways that I shouldn't. Here I am, telling you about personal spaces like an expert, but I don't even follow the rules myself. Something's wrong with me.'

'Edward,' I started, but he interrupted again.

'I will never intrude myself on you again,' he said, looking me in my eyes. 'I will never force you again into anything. I will never touch you that way again. I will never kiss you again. I won't threaten about kissing you again, or any other threat, for that matter. I will never act with you again. I am so sorry, Bella.' He sank trough his knees and sat on the ground. He put his head in his hands.

I didn't like seeing him like this. He was sitting there and looked like he had committed a crime. I sat on the opposite of him and tapped his shoulder. He looked up at me with a pained expression. I tried to keep my face normal. Then I said the unexpected.

'Apology accepted.'

'Bella! Why are you trying to fix what I have done wrong? Why are you lying for me? I know what I have done. I know you're scared. I know you think you hide it well, but I can see your eyes, every time anxious when I am around, hoping I won't do the worst. Every time fearful for all the things I could do.'

Those were my exact feelings. I was surprised, actually. It had helped a little, since he hadn't been as bad as those first days at school. I wasn't as fearful as that anymore.

'It was nothing,' I shrugged. 'I would have pushed you away if I had gotten uncomfortable. And I came willingly with you to act, or have you forgotten about that? You haven't brought me down, not even a bit,' I lied smoothly.

He raised both of his eyebrows.

_Maybe not so smoothly._

'You didn't push me away, out of fear. You came willingly to act? I made it clear that I would force you, either you liked it or not. I have brought you down. Every single bit.'

_Not so smoothly at all._

'I have made you cry more often than laugh. You own words, Bella. But even when I made you laugh, those bits were forced too.'

'That's silly,' I said in a soft voice.

'It's not. And I have made you cry so often. I have wiped your tears away with my own fingers.' Suddenly he was staring at his own fingers as if he was seeing my tears on them.

'Are you getting a depression? Because I have pills for that.'

'Don't joke. What I did was unforgivable.'

'Whatever. Just make up with Alice, Jasper and Emmett. Tell Tanya that it was all a lie and an act and go back to her. Forget about me. All problems solved.'

He glared at me.

'Really, it's not hard to make up to them. And Tanya will have you back willingly. And forgetting me,' I said, waving me hand. 'Easy.'

He glared at me even more.

'What?' I asked suddenly being self-conscious.

'Easy?' he hissed.

I nodded.

'Easy?' he repeated but this time in his normal voice. 'I am not some kind of sadistic monster. I don't enjoy seeing someone in pain.' I dropped my eyes. He was just acting his act again. 'Bella!' he snapped and I looked up in surprised. 'I don't enjoy seeing _you _in pain. Trouble is, you are. And you probably think I do like to see you in pain.'

'Edward, enough of that,' I said, but it came out as a plead. He was exaggerating so much.

'No,' he said stubbornly. This time I glared at him.

'I hate you,' I said. I stood up and walked to the stores again. I took out the knife he had bought me out of my pocket and threw it on the floor and kept walking. I didn't bother to turn and look. So what? He was being annoying.

And a jerk.

And kind.

This was like our first normal conversation ever. So what he was lying? He had made me feel slightly better. I was feeling less down.

So I turned around and Edward was still sitting at the same place. I sighed, because he had his head in his hands again. I walked over to him, getting the knife back and sat on the ground again.

'Edward, I don't hate you. Not really.' Just a very big, huge dislike. Edward was breathing rather... heavy, I think was the word. Why didn't he say anything? Maybe he needed a private moment.

I kept staring at him and suddenly a thought occurred to me. But... not really? He wasn't really...? No. I brought my hand to his anyway and slowly took his hand and brought it off of his face. He brought his other hand down himself but didn't look at me.

And when I saw them, I wondered if these tears were the ones he was holding in this morning or if they were new ones. Maybe it was a mixture of both.

_Did he cry about what I had said to him? But that can't be._

'I'm sorry-' he whispered and stopped talking immediately once my arms were around him. 'Bella, don't.'

'I can hug you if I want. And I want.'

_He is __crying_. There's something I never thought I'd witness.

He stopped talking and I kept hugging him until he finally relaxed a little under my grip. I let go of him and looked at his face again. He had closed his eyes and his cheeks were still wet.

'I have never seen a guy your age cry before,' I said softly, wiping the tears away with my fingers.

'I have seen a girl your age cry before. Frequently even. And the reason was me. Her name is Bella.'

'What a stupid, sensitive bitch,' I said slowly, waiting for his reaction.

He sighed and opened his eyes.

'No, she's not.'

'The way you describe her, the hell she is,' I said.

'That wasn't a description. You want me to describe her? Alright. She is strong. She is adorable. She is gorgeous.'

'Shut up,' I said. He didn't really think that of me.

'She is cute.'

'Cute?' I asked in horror. He laughed and stood up.

_So he cried when I said I hated him and he laughed when I... was making a fool of myself. Aka, when I was being my usual self._

Twisted.

He held out his hand for me to grab it and I realized that he didn't just take my hand to lift me. He gave me a choice this time.

'Come on, handsome,' he said.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: **Not my characters.

* * *

**Addict**

I slid my hand into his and he smiled a little. He lifted me up easily and quickly let go of my hand. That was something new too.

'What am I going to do about Tanya?' I asked, changing the subject.

'You?' he asked. 'So now you're in this alone?'

'Because you're not really being of much help,' I muttered.

'Because it's still a stupid and useless thing to go to Tanya,' he said. 'Let's forget about her.'

That did sound very appealing. 'Maybe later,' I said.

I looked around and I knew Edward was looking at me.

'I wonder how much you weigh,' he suddenly said, changing the subject himself this time. 'Can't be more than 90 pounds.'

Ninety.

_Ninety? _

That was the weight I had when I was just taken by the clinic. The weight that was considered highly dangerous. The weight that could _kill _me. Edward made it sound normal. Like it wasn't that shocking. Why couldn't the rest be like him?

'So what do you think about anorexia?' he asked me as if we had been friends for years.

'I don't have it,' I said quickly.

'Alright, that's not really what I asked,' he said, scowling. 'I meant like the constant thinking about food, counting calories, seeing a fat you in the mirror, being in the need of losing weight.' I noticed that his tone was mocking. I did spent a lot of time on that. So, basically, he was mocking me.

'You don't like talking about this?' he asked when I was quiet for too long.

'I don't really know what to say.'

Suddenly Edward cursed under his breath. I looked up surprised and there they were, just a few yards away. They just walked out of the sex shop, laughing and having fun. Tanya didn't really look hurt anymore. _W__ere they eighteen?_

Edward was looking troubled. Maybe he took it seriously when he said he would never touch me again.

Silly asshole.

I reached for his hand and took it. I was in time, because the girls just noticed us.

'Bella, I meant it. I don't want to push myself on you,' he whispered.

'You're not.'

The girls were whispering too and all the pity I had for Tanya left me. It was as if Edward and I had traded roles. This time I was all in for the plan and Edward wasn't. 'Edward, you still got those condoms?' I asked him. I didn't look at him; I kept watching the girls like a hawk watching his prey. Edward handed the packet over to me and I pushed him with me and in the meanwhile letting go of his hand and putting it on his waist. Edward slowly put his arm on my shoulder, but only lightly. When we were in hearing sight, I started.

'It's so amazing that they gave this to us. We'll have so much fun tonight.' It probably sounded horrible, the words coming out of my mouth, but Tanya's face did go in huge horror when she saw what I was holding. 'I love-' I quickly looked what this newest taste actually was and I threw the packet away as if it was something filthy once I noticed the taste.

'Iew, gross!' I almost screamed.

'What?' Edward asked quickly.

'The taste!' I said and he walked over to the packet to pick it up and look at the taste. His eyes went huge and he laughed out loud. Tanya and her friends were staring at us suspiciously. This wasn't part of the plan.

'Hey, Tanya, catch!' Edward said and she cursed once the packet hit her head. Jessica picked up the packet. 'Maybe it's something for you,' he added.

'Sperm taste?' Jessica said. 'I wonder how they make that.'

_Gross, gross, gross, Jessica!_

Then again, good question.

'Edward,' Tanya said, slowly walking over to him. She looked at his bruises and scowled. I watched at the both of them and Edward didn't look worried at all. 'Stop wasting your time on ugly bitches. Have you seen her hideous body? It doesn't even look human! Hey, you know that I am better in bed.'

Oh. My. God.

She really did believe that Edward and I had sex.

'And in the library,' she added.

_Library?_

'And in the toilet,' she said with a giggle.

_Toilet?_

'And in the kitchen,' she said with a smile.

_Kitchen?_

'I bet she is just one of your play items that you use for one day,' she said in a sexy voice. 'You don't need play items, Edward. You've got me. Ditch her.'

I wondered when she would end her insults. Edward sure didn't stop her. He also didn't stop her when she put her finger on his chest and slowly brought it down.

'Crackwhore.'

Tanya snapped her head at me and pointed her finger at me. At least she had stopped touching him. 'What did you say?'

'You heard me,' I said.

'That's my girl,' Edward said. I looked up at him and he was just looking at my expression, searching for something.

Tanya snapped her head towards Edward.

'She,' she said, pointing at me again, 'is _not _your girl!'

'You wanna bet?' he said, walking over to me.

'No!' she shrieked. 'Don't kiss her!'

I looked at Edward's face and he actually looked relieved after she had said that. He stopped walking over to me and instead went to Tanya and whispered something. She gasped and slapped his face.

'I hate you!' she yelled and went to the girls and started sobbing. What had Edward said? It must have been awful or else she wouldn't react like that.

I looked at Edward and again he was looking troubled. He gave me an apologetic smile, but I kept scowling at him.

_What was he sorry about now?_

'What did he say?' Jessica asked. Edward looked alarmed. I quickly looked at Tanya, to hear her answer.

'_He _said that he will fuck_ her_,' she said, pointing at me, 'in front of _me _if I don't quit talking _shit _about _her_!' I stared in disbelief. That sounded definitely like Edward. And so wrong at the same time.

'You hate me too now?' he asked from next to me. I wasn't even sure what to feel. He had mentioned the words 'fuck' and 'her', meaning me, in the same sentence.

'Cause I wouldn't blame you. It was only meant for her to hear.'

'Why,' I asked, clearing my throat, 'would you say that?'

'I don't know. To make sure she won't insult at you again?'

'Oh,' I said. When I looked up at him, he didn't even look convincing himself by his own reason.

'Sorry,' he said.

I looked in his eyes and whispered, 'Why is she crying? I mean, they're just words, not deeds. How can that possibly hurt her?'

'She knows me pretty well to know that I usually mean all the things I say.'

He look didn't have any mock on it. He was looking seriously.

'Yeah, right,' I said. Tanya was way sensitive. 'She shouldn't forget to usually part.'

'She shouldn't,' he agreed.

I decided to change the subject, because this was getting weird. 'Does it still hurt?' I asked, pointing at his face.

'Does your head still hurt?' he asked.

'No,' I said. At least, not if I made quick movements.

'Come on,' he said and this time he brought me to a pharmacy. He didn't buy just painkillers, but three other pots as well. He filled a plastic cup with water and gave it to me.

'I didn't know you were on medicine,' I said, taking one of the pots. He stopped what he was doing and stared at me.

'I'm not,' he said as if I had insulted him. 'They're yours.'

'Mine?' I asked surprised. 'Why?'

'Dad told me last night. This is like an energy pill, this is for you immune system and this is for your blood. But first take this,' he said, giving me two painkillers.

_This is like an energy pill, this if for... _God, he made it sound like he was talking to a toddler. Did he do that on purpose?

'I'm really not in that much pain,' I said, but taking them both anyway.

He gave me three pills of one of those pots. I tried to see his face, see if he realized he had given me a lot.

'Take them,' he said, opening the second bottle. So I just took those too and he gave me three more of the second pot.

'Isn't this an overdose?' I asked, staring at the three pills in my hand.

'Just following your doctor's orders,' he said with a shrug.

_Your doctor? _

He mentioned his father as my doctor.

I took those too and Edward held out his hand again with pills of the last pot. Five pieces.

'You sure?' I asked. 'I never had to take five pills before. I mean, now I have taken in total eleven pills.' I stared at the pills. 'You sure nobody wants me dead?'

He laughed once. 'What crime have you committed?' he asked, crossing his arms. I swallowed the last pills and threw the plastic cup away.

'I think this morning counts as crime.'

'If it does, I would get punished for it. I made the plan after all.'

'But still,' I said.

He went to sit on a chair and he mentioned for me to sit next to him. I slowly did and he stared at me again. This stare bothered me too, but it looked like he was trying to say something, so I averted my eyes and waited.

'Bella, I haven't been completely honest with you,' he said.

I smiled at myself. Big surprise.

'Charlie,' he said and I looked up surprised once he said my dad's name, 'and Carlisle wanted me to take care of you. Not just Carlisle. I left that part out when I told you six weeks ago.' Then he stopped to see how I would react.

Charlie? If Charlie was in on this, then that would mean mum was too. I was positive of that.

Charlie had arranged something with my doctor behind my back? Just like that? I hope they wouldn't send me back to the clinic. I didn't want to go back there again. They treated you like a sick person and forced words out of you and forced food down your throat. Everything was forced.

'He won't go easy on me this time,' he said. I scowled at him. 'Charlie,' he added. 'He told me to do this thing right and he might just forget about the speeding, cursing, drinking and hanging out late, which caused him a lot of trouble.'

'You cursed at him?' I asked and he nodded. 'To a police officer?'

He ignored the last part. 'I don't know what he'll do. It could be a trial. I mean, you really aren't healthy anymore. Everyone notices. Except you. I don't know what will happen. Anyway, what did they expect me to do? To shove the pills down your throat? I'm sorry, but how can anyone gain trust that way? You made the choice yourself to not take the pills anymore.'

'It's not like I just stopped,' I explained. 'They just weren't first priority to me anymore. I forget about them.'

He stared at me in disbelief. 'Your health isn't first priority anymore? How sick can you be?' he said, but the last part was mostly to himself. I dropped my head.

'Am I really that sick?' I asked.

He sighed. 'Bella, I didn't mean to make it sound like that and no offence but yes, I think you are.'

'I don't want to go back to the clinic,' I whispered. He leaned a little closer, but that was probably so he could hear me.

'How was is like the first time?' he asked.

'First time?' I asked in horror. 'You mean there will be a second time?' I got up to walk away. He followed me and I was just walking away to a busy road where there came an end to the stores. He got tired of this and stopped me again. He sat on one of the benches. I didn't join him this time.

'Bella, stop running away. You can't run away from your problems. There are very good therapists. They can solve your problems.'

I looked up at him in annoyance.

'You really think that?' I asked just for a confirmation.

'Yes,' he said shortly but with much certainty in his voice.

'Then why do I have to go there a second time?' I asked. I really hope I didn't have to go there a second time.

He looked taken aback for a moment. 'Then you didn't have a good psychiatrist.'

'Psychiatrists,' I corrected.

'You had more than one?' he asked laughing, but quickly covered them up in coughs. 'Sorry, that was mean. It's just that, you don't look like you need one, let alone more than one.'

I scowled at him.

'Anyway, how was it there?'

I shrugged.

'What made you hate it so much?'

'Go there and you'll know for yourself.'

'But I want to hear from you.'

I scowled and shrugged again.

'So you hated your mum and came to Forks to live with your dad, only to realise it's much worse here?'

'No!' I said quickly. Where did he get those ideas? 'I don't hate her. She said that it would be nice to go somewhere else. To start somewhere new and maybe spent time with Charlie. I had just gotten out of the clinic and since mum said it wouldn't be the best idea to go back to school in Phoenix, it was better to go somewhere else. Forks was sort of my only option.'

I tried to explain as well a I could, because I didn't want him to think any weird things about my parents.

'Okay. How was it at school in Phoenix?' he asked.

'Fine,' I muttered.

'Which school would you rather be, Phoenix or Forks?' he asked. He waited patently.

There's something I hadn't given any thought at. Would I rather want to be with my old ex-friends or Edward, Tanya and Jessica? In Phoenix I managed well actually. When I came to Fork, I started crying again and being humiliated by the content of the school. So basically Phoenix made me feel empty and Forks made me feel all the negative emotions.

'It would only be like 51% against 49% if I picked,' I murmured, but not really to him.

'Then which school would you prefer, even if it was with just one percent more?'

'Phoenix,' I decided. I looked up at Edward. 'Definitely Phoenix.'

And just after I said that, I realised with my too dumb, slow brain that with that I had said that I would rather be there than with Edward. That if I had the choice, I would go away from Edward.

He chuckled and I slowly looked up with a troubled face. Was he really mad?

'No worries,' he said. 'Why would I be offended?'

I shrugged.

'Besides, it's just one percent. Now, please tell me why it was so bad in Phoenix.'

'I didn't say it was bad there.'

'If Forks is worse than Phoenix by just one percent, I think it is.'

Oh, yeah. Another stupid mistake. Had my IQ dropped even more?

I noticed he was holding in his laughter. I glared at him.

'Now me being stupid doesn't annoy you. It humors you.' He quickly straitened his face and sat straight.

'Ignorance, not stupid,' he said.

'Stupid,' I said.

'Igno-,' he started, 'Argh! Forget it!'

Now I had to laugh at his annoyed tone. I heard many honks at the same time from behind me and when I turned I saw three cars with a few boys with their heads out of the window, waving and making signals that indicated that they wanted to do... things. I quickly turned my head to look at Edward and he was glaring at the boys.

They started screaming and telling me to look back at them.

'Show us your pretty face!'

'Drive on, drive on,' I muttered.

'Or else your lives are going to end soon,' Edward muttered too. I tried to see Edward's expression, but he had turned his head to see the cars drive on. The honking was slowly fading and they were gone.

There was something that had never happened to me and the first time it happened, Edward witnessed it too.

'You've got fans,' he said.

'If those are fans, I don't want any,' I said.

'I hate them already,' he said, lightening a cigarette. He briefly looked at me while he lit it on and took his first drag. He closed his eyes and waited for a moment. Then he blew the smoke out and opened his eyes.

'I don't care if I go to hell, as long as I get to have my cigarettes with me.'

I rolled my eyes. Addicted to cigarettes.

'Bella, you don't know what you are missing.' He stood up and walked over to me. 'Come on, one drag,' he said, pushing the thing on my lips. I wanted to tell him to smoke the damn thing himself, but that would result into opening my mouth. So I pressed my lips on each other tightly and quickly shook my head.

'So cute,' he said. Again, I wanted to open my mouth, but not while he was pressing his cigarette on my mouth. 'Just one drag,' he almost begged.

I shook my head again.

'Why are you refusing?' he said, taking the cigarette of my lips and taking a drag himself. 'Nobody ever refuses.' I quickly went to sit on the bench so I didn't have to smell the smoke. He looked genuinly surprised, I think.

'I don't like the smell,' I said, waving my hand when the smoke was coming my way.

'Are you telling me you never have taken a drag before?' he asked while staring at his cigarette.

'Yes,' I said.

'How is that even possible?' he said, his eyes glued on the cigarette.

'I have a slight feeling that you might have an addiction.'

'Alcohol?' he asked.

'Alright, two addictions.'

'Sex?' he asked, taking another drag while completely concentrated on his cigarette.

_Bed, library, toilet, kitchen._

Tanya and her stupid words.

'Okay... Three addictions.'

'Girls?' he asked again and I scowled.

'Are you addicted to alcohol, sex and girls?' I asked. 'And cigarettes?' I added.

'Cigarettes!' he said. 'That's the one I had forgotten.'

'You have awful addictions,' I said.

'Yeah, well,' he said, throwing the cigarette on the ground and stepping on it. He came to sit next to me. 'I can live with that.'

'You think,' I said.

'No, I know,' he pointed out.

'You _think _you know, but you don't,' I said. I smiled when he made a face. Yeah, I could have discussions too. 'Eventually, you won't be able to live with that. It will make you feel empty because when you have reached you maximum, you'll be immune to the addiction. And no matter how much you take of it, it won't be enough and you won't be able to fill in the empty feeling. Then only one thing can help you. Rehab. I'll telling you,' I said jokingly. 'Your tough time is yet to come.'

'Spooky. I'm quite sure I will never have enough of sex.'

Here I was again, talking with _Edward _about sex. Was he really addicted?

'But you wouldn't know. Virgins can only wonder.'

My mouth dropped and I quickly recovered. I swallowed and tried to find my voice back. After clearing my throat, I turned my head to look at him.

'What makes you think I'm a virgin?' I asked as calmly as I could. Was it really that obvious? He chuckled and stared at me without answering.

I dropped my head and slowly exhaled and at the same time trying to relax my muscles. I felt me cheeks heat up.

'First, because you blush,' he said. He slowly pushed my hair on my shoulder with the back of his hand, as if to make sure he wasn't making me uncomfortable.

I had never been more uncomfortable in my life

'Second, talking about it makes you uncomfortable.'

Just great. Another thing I failed to hide. I averted my face so I was looking the other way completely and he wouldn't see my face.

'Thirdly, you are not denying.'

_Double shit._

'And this is bothering you _a lot. _Sorry, but it really shouldn't bother you. Much guys prefer virgins.'

This time I did turn my head and he nodded his head quickly.

'Yeah, it's true,' he said. 'They like the innocence. The inexperience. And some men develop more responsibility towards the girl, because they are their first one. Though some men still cheat on them. They treat them like shit.'

I wanted to say something, but he was faster.

'In short, being a virgin sucks. Because most guys aren't interested in keeping her. They want to take away her virginity and then will add her to there list of achievements.' He stopped for a second and I was able to breath again. 'You look a little pale. You want a cigarette now?'

Edward talked so easily about this kind of stuff. Even mom's speech was nothing, compared to this. He had lit up a cigarette and put it between my fingers. I'm not sure why I didn't drop it on the ground.

I was staring at the cigarette, not sure what expression was on my face.

Weren't these things that my mum should have told me a long time before? And how on earth could I forget about James?

His sudden laughter made me jump up with the cigarette still between my fingers.

'What has gotten into you?' I asked.

'Nothing, nothing. It's just, I thought I might give you some advice, but I actually gave you nothing. At least, nothing of use. Sorry,' he said, bursting out in laughter again. Suddenly he grabbed my hand and took a drag from the cigarette between my fingers. I tried to pull my hand back, but he kept holding it, along with the cigarette. When he finally took his huge drag, he let go of my hand and slowly blew out the smoke.

He wasn't looking at me, but still laughing. I might almost think he was high. I made a turn and walked away.

'Where's the rush!' Edward called from behind me. He took back the cigarette that had miraculously still stayed between my fingers.

'I thought you needed a private moment,' I said dryly.

'Bella, wait,' he said, humor gone from his face. He was probably still laughing on the inside. He took a drag as if to calm himself. 'Don't be offended. I was making a fool of myself. I was trying to say that you should just be careful.'

'I always am,' I said, walking again.

'Not always,' he said softly.

_James._

'Yesterday's an exception. And now either change the subject or stop talking.'

He had stopped talking and we went back to the hotel.

'Lunch at the hotel?' he asked.

'Sure,' I said, immediately thinking about how I could ditch him.

'Wait,' I said. 'I don't think the hotel is a good idea. I don't wanna be with James.'

He smirked at me. 'Bella, I have made sure of it that he won't be able to get in for work for at least a few days.'

I scowled at that. 'What do you mean?'

'I kicked the hell out of him,' he simply said.

_Oh._

'My bruises are nothing compared to what he has,' he grinned.

'You punched him that hard?' I asked in surprise.

'Yeah. So no worries, Bella. You won't see a bit of him anymore. Promise,' he said with his most charming smile. I smiled a little back in return.

When we almost reached the hotel, I stopped him. He looked surprised, but waited patiently.

'I have a question,' I slowly began.

'Shoot,' he said.

'I was only wondering, what do you prefer?'

'Remind me, what were we talking about?' he asked confused.

'Virgins,' I said, not looking at him.

He chuckled.

'I prefer the one the will help me get rid of my addictions.'

That made me look up. He smiled.

'You mean the alcohol, sex, girls and cigarettes? There barely aren't any girls that don't have those addictions for themselves. Except the girls addiction. But they all smoke. They all drink. They all have sex. Someone can only help you if she doesn't have the addictions herself. You do-' I abruptly stopped talking and stared at nothing in particular.

I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn't have sex.

_Oh my god._

'It's not the finding I am worried about,' he slowly said, watching me. 'It's something else entirely.'

'What's that?' I asked in a small voice.

'I am worried about the girl not agreeing,' he said. 'Not wanting.'

I was only able to stare back, because I didn't understand what he was saying.

'The girl has plenty of other boys. Boys that wouldn't need someone to get rid of addictions, because the boys wouldn't have any addictions,' he said, taking another cigarette. I scowled at him, but he lit it on anyway and immediately took a drag. 'Why would she want to waist her time on an addict?'

This time I was able to talk. 'An addict? You really aren't addicted. Just stop,' I said, lifting my hand, but he quickly stepped back and took another drag. 'Alright,' I said. 'Maybe you are addicted. But so what? You can get rid of it. How addicted are you?'

'I don't want to tell you anything that might upset you,' he said while being concentrated on the cigarette again.

'Tell me, Edward,' I said with some force.

He glared at me. 'So addicted that if I tried to stop on my own, I will be able to hurt someone physically to get to the alcohol or cigarette. _Anyone. _The girl and sex part was just a joke. But not the other two.' Another drag. 'Definetly not the other two.'

I dropped my eyes uncomfortably. He sure knew what would make me upset.

And he had also smoothly escaped my question.

'You still didn't say if you prefer virgins or not,' I said.

'I have a slight feeling that both answers will upset you,' he said.

'They won't,' I said. 'Just tell me.'

'If I say virgins, you'll think I want to have sex with you. If I say not virgins, you think that I don't like you at all.'

'So which is it going to be?' I asked stubbornly.

'You know what? Ask me again when you're not a virgin anymore.'

That shocked me for a second. 'That's unfair!' I said.

'Why do you want to know so badly?' he asked.

'Because,' I said.

'Because why?' he asked.

'You said it yourself. I have to be careful.'

He raised an eyebrow. 'I am not going to put you on a list of accomplishments. Besides, you still got the knife, don't you?'

'It doesn't work right when it is in my hands,' I said.

'Don't worry, Bella. I'll help you with that. But now it's lunchtime. Come on,' he said, going to the hotel. I followed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer's characters

* * *

**Fear**

_Food. Food. Lunch. Food. Food. Lunch._

'Bella?'

_Food_.

'Hmm?' I said.

_Food. Lunch. Food. Food._

'May I ask, what are you thinking right now?'

_Food. Eat. Eating. Ate. Eat. Food._

_Food. Eat._

'Hmm?' I said again.

_Eat. Food. With. Edward._

_Run. Away._

'Bella,' he said, grabbing my shoulders.

_Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food._

'Bella, breath, girl,' he said.

_Breath?_

'Is it the cigarettes? Does the smoke bother you that much? I'll throw it away, see?'

I wasn't really listening. All I could think of was lunch. And food. And eating.

_Lunch. Food. Eating._

'Bella. Look at me,' he said slowly.

I realised my eyes were closed and I shut them more until I couldn't press them close anymore.

_Food. Food. Food._

I don't want to eat.

I haven't eaten in ages.

I just want to be thin.

'Bella,' he said, his voice awfully close to my ear. 'Sorry I'm breaking my promise, but you have to calm down.'

I shook my head with my eyes tight shut.

He released my shoulders and stroked my hair with one hand and with the other he brought his fingers to my eyes, softly touching them. The shutting them tightly was hurting now.

'We'll skip lunch,' he said, still stroking and touching me softly. 'Relax.'

_No food?_

_Relax._

'I'm really not that hungry. Unless you want lunch?' he asked.

'No,' I quickly said and slowly opening my eyes.

He nodded his head. 'Alright, come,' he said. He dropped his hands and opened the hotel door. He waited until I got in first and then he followed. I wasn't walking very fast, but he didn't speed. He kept walking behind me. I stood in front of the elevator and he pressed the button.

'What now?' I asked.

'I can only think of one thing,' he said, just as we had gotten in and the elevator doors closed. I quickly stepped a little away from him and looked alarmed. He didn't even notice.

'L-Like what?' I stuttered.

He turned his head and looked surprised when he saw that I had pressed my back against the elevator, just to be a few more inches away from me. He rolled his eyes at me and then stared just a few more seconds.

'Too bad you threw those condoms away,' he said.

I was suddenly very nauseating. It felt like the lift was moving more violently and when it came to a sudden halt, my hand flew to my mouth. I pressed real hard.

_Please don't throw up._

My feet weren't touching the floor anymore and Edward had lifted me up. He slowly put me on the ground once we were out of the lift and I was sitting now. He pushed my head between my legs.

'Take deep breaths,' Edward said. 'Tell me when you're feeling better, I've got something against nausea in my room.'

I wanted to cry and scream and laugh, all at the same time. He even knew what I was feeling. Was it so clear that I was nauseating?

And why did he have everything against everything?

'Bella,' he whispered again, putting a hand on my back. 'I was only kidding in the elevator. I was talking about _talking. _Why-' he said, before he was interrupted because the lift doors had opened again.

'Leave,' Edward said angrily. I slowly brought my head up with my hand still covering my mouth and I saw the girls again. I dropped my head. How was it even possible that I saw them so many times in such a short time. They sure made my life miserable since yesterday evening.

'Looks like she's about to throw up,' Tanya said. 'Edward, when will you learn? Once a bulimic, always a bulimic.'

'Oh I remember,' Jessica said. 'When we were making out, she threw up. It was so gross.'

It hurt to hear that again. Not just that it was gross, but also to hear Jessica say that she had made out with Edward. She was so stupid, I didn't get why anyone would want to kiss her.

'You two made out? When?' she hissed. 'Wait, never mind! I don't even want to know. Anyway, everything about Bella is gross,' Tanya slowly said, making each word sound ten times as bad. 'You said yourself, Edward. Everything.'

'That's it,' Edward said in a harsh tone. He kissed my hair and got up. I lifted my head again to see him walk over to them. The nausea had gone away for the most part now and I was trying to get up too.

'What?' Tanya asked innocently.

'I warned you,' he said in a low voice, still approaching her.

'You sound very sexy this way, did you know that?' Tanya said and she actually walked up to him too.

'You are sick, Tanya. I can't believe I never noticed, I can't-' Edward was saying, before all five of them grabbed him and pushed him in the elevator when the door opened.

I scowled at the picture in front of me. A struggling Edward in an elevator with five girls holding him in it. The doors closed.

What just happened?

I pinched myself. Yes, I definitely felt pain so I definitely was awake. And if I wasn't, this was my strangest dream ever. I pinched again. No, this wasn't a dream. This was the strangest day of my life.

It really couldn't get any worse. It really couldn't.

I slowly got up and rested for a second on the wall, closing my eyes again. I took deep calming breaths and just as I was exhaling, I was grabbed and one hand went on my mouth.

'Hello, Bella. Have you enjoyed yourself with your new friend?'

I stopped breathing for a few seconds and then I let out a few shaky breaths. This could not be happening to me.

'Don't you dare make any noises,' he said, pulling me with him to the opposite side of Edward's room and walking fast. He slowly released my mouth and I screamed. He was fast into covering my mouth again. 'You shouldn't have done that,' he whispered. With the same hand, he pinched my nose close. I had no air supply anymore. I started to struggle, but soon got dizzy and he half carried me to where ever he had in mind.

I almost feared this might be the end.

The end of my life.

This day could definitely get worse. It just had.

He pushed me into a room and I fell hard on the floor. I heard the door behind me lock. I started taking deep breaths and I put one hand on my chest to feel my pounding hearth.

'I had to punish you for screaming,' he said matter-of-factly. 'And now you listen carefully,' he hissed. He grabbed my wrist and yanked me up. For the first time I was looking at his face and I stared in horror. Edward was right. Edward's wounds were nothing compared to these ones. James had a few stitches in both of his eyebrows. He had two black eyes and the rest of his face was slightly more swollen and blueish.

Oh, he had suffered.

'You probably thought you wouldn't see me anymore, isn't that right?' he asked. I just kept staring until I was pushed on the bed. I realised that he had been waiting for an answer.

My head hit the iron headboard and the pain shot right through my whole body. I wasn't able to stand up and struggled for at least a sitting position, which was less vulnerable. I saw James eying me carefully and walking slowly around me like he was some predator and I was his prey.

Only he wasn't killing the prey. He was playing with it first.

'Wrong thinking,' he said. 'Do you realise what hell I've been through?'

_I think I can._

I started pushing myself a little away from him.

'Bella, Bella. Do not ever try to go away from me.' I kept pushing though, until I was able to put my feet on the floor. I quickly stood up and turned to see him glare. At the same time, he jumped on the bed and after two steps, he reached me and grabbed my shoulders again.

_Knife!_

He kept walking fast, though, so I couldn't reach for the knife and I had to walk backwards, almost running, until I realised what he was doing. I tried to stop him, by slowing down and pushing his arms, but he kept pushing me with a lot of strength and the last step he pushed me so forcefully, that when I hit the wall with my back and the back of my head, I screamed in agony and dropped on the floor.

Pain was everywhere now. My head. My back. My shoulders.

I had bitten my lower lip at the same process and it was bleeding now. I was breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath again.

Slowly, I reached for my pocket. I don't think he noticed. He placed his feet beside my hips and then he sat down on me. My hand was stuck between my hip and his foot now.

He put his hand on my mouth again, so I had to breath through my nose. He looked viciously at me and then slowly pinched my nose close. I shook my head, but he only pinched harder.

'Let's see how long you can _live _without air, shall we?' he asked. I had my hand in my pocket now. 'Edward must really care for you,' he said sarcastically. I slowly pulled the knife out. 'I'm guessing that he is right now banging one of the girls brain out. He'll be busy for a while.' I stopped struggling and tears were pouring now. I couldn't breath and he was mixing me up my feelings. Was Edward really doing that now or was it just a guess from James?

'Ah, did you really think he cares? Did you really think he cares for a stupid, useless, ugly and fat looking girl like you? He doesn't care!'

With my last bit of strength, I pulled out the knife with my thumb. I yanked my hand free and held up the knife, but he stopped my hand with his other hand.

Just like Edward had stopped me this morning.

'It's sad that you even try to fight me off. It's quit pleasurable to see you pass out and losing your strength. Now, I'm also feeling it,' he said. He looked fascinated at my hand in his. I was losing strength and I wasn't able to pull my hand out of his. And he thought of it as pleasurable?

I looked up at the door behind me and wondered if anyone would even noticed if I would die. If anyone would even miss me.

'Oh, Bella, nobody is coming this way. Stop hoping, it's too pathetic to watch. Edward does not care for you. You're just his toy. And when he's done with you-'

I was close to passing away when I heard a bang and James hand let go of me. I dropped the knife and immediately started breathing again in deep, fast pants. I rolled to my side and when I opened my eyes, which were still leaking with tears, I saw Edward standing in front of me. He briefly looked at James and so did I. James was lying on the floor and that's when I realised that James hadn't let go of me. He had let go because he had been pushed by Edward.

Only not pushed, but punched, because he was knocked out. I might have been impressed, because Edward had knocked him down by just one punch, but I was saving my own life right now.

Physically now and mentally later.

Edward was looking at me and when he touched my shoulders I started crying again.

'I'm not going to hurt you.'

He raised me so I was sitting down and put one hand on my stomach and the other on the back of my neck. I tried breathing a bit slower.

'That's it,' he encouraged. He smiled when I looked at him. 'Don't believe him,' he said. 'I care for you. Don't forget he only told you that to break you again.' He dried away the tears with his sleeve.

'You promised!' I said between pants. 'You promised me!' I don't know where that came from, but my strength was back.

He quickly dropped his hands and leaned back. 'I'm sorry. I wanted to comfort you, but I don't know how.'

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I continued. 'But I did see James. You promised me but I did see him.'

I looked up at him and he opened his mouth and quickly closed it. He slowly nodded his head. Had he forgotten his own promise? 'I'm sorry.' And he just remembered it.

'You promised,' I screamed now, pushing his chest.

'Yes, yes, I know, but Bella,' he said, grabbing my hands. 'Look,' he said, raising my hands in his, 'I also promised not to touch you anymore, but I am,' he said. 'I break promises as fast as I make them.'

I just stared at him and let his stupid words sink. Then I yanked my hands out of his.

'No, you forget about them rather than break them! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.'

I stopped talking and stared at me hands. Edward didn't say anything himself anymore, but I think he was watching me. That's what he always did.

Had James really tried to kill me? Would he have stopped choking me, or would he have waited until I had breathed for the last time?

I looked at James and his still form. I took the knife that was lying beside me and stared at it.

'I'm getting you something better,' he said.

'What?' I asked.

'Later,' he muttered. He took the knife and put it in his own pocket. 'And I'm sorry I was late. So sorry, Bella,' he said and I looked up again. 'When we were down, I wanted to go up by the stairs, and with some effort, I made it. Then you were gone and I first went to my room, but you weren't there. Then Tanya was behind me, in my room and she said that I shouldn't think about you. She is so easy to figure out. Soon I realised that they had made a plan. It took me a while before she told me where you were.' Edward averted his eyes. 'I almost hit her.'

No banging? Of course there was no banging. How else could he have been here so fast?

Edward was still talking, but I wasn't listening to him. All that I could think of was what James had done. And when I realised that Edward had come and saved me, that he _cared _and made James stop choking me, I flew forward and presses myself against him. I put my arms over his shoulders and held tightly. I buried my face in his chest and took a deep breath.

'Thank you,' I whispered. 'Thank you, Edward. I don't hate you.'

Edward put his arms around me and a hand on my head. I smiled and closed my eyes. He moved a little and I realised he was getting up.

'No!' I whispered. 'Stay.'

He placed his other arm under my knees and carried me. I still clung to him with my face in his chest. He was moving and I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.

'Wake up, Bella,' I head Edward's voice. I opened my eyes and he was holding a towel. He brought it to my mouth and wiped at a stinging place.

'Where did this wound come from?' he asked. 'Wait, you better start from the beginning.' He had some electronic thing in his hands and pressed a button. A red light went on and he put it on the nightstand. I eyed it suspiciously.

'What did James do?' he asked.

'What's that thingy?' I asked, looking at the black thing.

'The police gave it,' he said. 'It will record our voices. They tried to take you, but you refused letting go of me. So they gave it to me. But Bella, you have to say what James did. The police needs to know.'

'What for?'

'Bella,' he said softly, looking at me. He softly stroked my bruised lip. He scowled while he was looking at my lip and then he slowly shook his head. 'What did he do to you?' he asked incredulously. 'You can tell everything.'

'I don't know if I remember well,' I replied lamely.

'When you were alone again, how did he approach you? Did you see him?'

'No, my eyes were close. He grabbed my shoulders and said hello. Then he pulled me along with him and when he released my mouth I screamed. Then he put his hand on my mouth again and also closed my nose. I got dizzy.'

Edward came to sit next to me.

'Was he choking you?' Edward asked in abhorrence. I nodded. 'Answer out loud for the thingy,' Edward whispered. I lifted my head and smiled at him. I flinched when I felt the wound on my lip. He smiled back. 'Don't laugh, it hurts.'

'Yeah, you would know,' I muttered. 'Yes, he was,' I answered out loud for the thingy. 'He pushed me on the floor in a room and I could breath again. Then I was scared that he would kill me, because he locked the door. He was talking and grabbed my wrist. I didn't answer his question, so he threw me on the bed and my head hit the headboard.'

Instantly I felt Edward's fingers run over my skull and I winced when he touched the spot.

'It's a big bump. We'll have to go to the hospital. What did he ask?' he asked.

'I think about seeing him again. He said that I probably thought that I wouldn't see him again and I didn't answer and after he pushed me he said wrong thinking.'

I was quit surprised by myself for remembering.

'Then what?'

'I tried getting of the bed, but he said I shouldn't go away from him. When I stood up again and was off the bed, he jumped on the bed and grabbed me again and then kept pushing me until my back hit the wall and I screamed again because that really hurt. It really did. Then I fell on the floor.'

Now Edward lifted up my shirt until he could see my back. I was a little embarrassed, but just let him watch. He pressed at a place that made me wince again.

'Edward!' I said, yanking my shirt down again.

'I'm sorry. You back is one big bruise. That spot that I touched was one of your ribs,' he said. 'It might be broken.'

'Oh.'

'Go on.'

'Well, that was also when he choked me again to see how long I could live without air. I cried because he said you were banging the girls.' Now Edward flinched and I realised I just said this in front of the recorder. 'Oh, I wasn't thinking, I'm s-' I wanted to say, but he put his hand on my mouth.

'Just go on, Bella.'

'He said I was stupid and that you don't care.'

'What else did he say?'

'Nothing.'

'How come your lip is bleeding?' he asked.

'When he pushed me on the wall, I think I bit it.'

I closed my eyes again and sighed.

'I wish I could erase this day,' I mumbled before falling asleep again. I didn't sleep long, because he woke me up again.

'What?' I asked in annoyance.

'You have to take these again,' he said, showing me the pots.

He gave me pills again and I drank them with the water he gave me. I looked at the clock and saw it was six o'clock.

'Is it that late?' I asked.

'You slept,' he answered.

'For like 5 minutes,' I said.

He chuckled and I looked up at him. 'That's what it felt like, I'm sure.' He put the pots on the nightstand.

'You're sweet,' I said. He looked up very sexily and chuckled. I suddenly realised what I had just said out loud to Edward. 'I mean- You are being sweet.'

He came to sit next to me. He lifted his legs and put his elbows on his knees. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and chuckled again. 'Could you forget I said anything?' He pressed his lips together, probably holding in some laughter.

'If it's any comfort to you, James has been taken away by the police and so are Tanya, Jessica and the others.'

'Does it matter?'

'We have to go now. If you have a concussion and a broken rib, then yes. It matters.'

He stood up and went to the closet. He pulled out a blue blouse and gave it to me.

'It's colder outside now,' he explained.

'But it's a boy's blouse,' I said, slowly taking it.

'If it bothers you, we can go to your room,' he said.

'You just turn around,' I said. He didn't joke this time. He just turned around. 'Wow, you're suddenly very good at listening.' He didn't comment and I pulled of the shirt and put on the blouse. When I had closed most of the buttons, I said, 'You can turn again.'

He extended his hand and I took it. He raised me up easily and looked incredulous.

'How can it be possible that you look better in my clothes than I do?' he asked. I dropped my head. 'Bella? You will tell me if I do or say something that bothers you, won't you?'

I nodded, not looked at him. He squeezed my hand a little and we took the elevator again.

'I'm starting to hate this elevator,' I said, stepping in the devilish thing. He smiled.

'You have been the subject of the day, you know.'

'Maybe you shouldn't hold my hand anymore,' I said and he released it.

'This is their theory: James and I both had sex with you. Eventually you picked me and that left James angry. So he planned on a revenge game together with 'his' girls. The girl almost was killed, but the boy was in time to save her.'

My eyes went huge just as the lift doors opened.

'That's what they're thinking?' I croaked out.

'Stupid, I know.'

'That's horrible.'

Luckily most people were out again, so there weren't much people left here. Edward brought me to a police car.

'He's taking us?' I asked.

'Yes, I said I would bring you at six,' he said, opening the door and letting me in. 'I'll see you soon, alright?'

'No!' I said, getting out of the car.

'The boy can't come,' the police agent said.

I looked at the man, but he was staring straight ahead.

'Then the girl won't come,' I said sarcastically.

'You must really be in love with him if you can't even survive a few hours without him. Alright. The boy can come.'

I looked away, a little embarrassed and Edward chuckled. 'He thinks we're a couple,' Edward whispered.

'Hey! No smooching around me,' the police officer said. 'Get in!'

I quickly got in and so did Edward. The police officer started driving.

'Your story matches with what we heard on the camera's around James' room. You, Edward, could get a punishment too.' He knew his name? 'It seems like you and James were in a fight this morning.'

Edward wanted to begin his story, but I beat him to it.

'He was helping me, because of something that James said to me,' I quickly said.

'Of course,' the agent said sarcastically.

Edward reached out for me.

'NO TOUCHING!' the officer yelled and we both jumped up. I put my hand on my mouth and covered my huge smile. Edward was scowling and he looked like a little boy who was just caught doing a bad thing. I had to cough a few times to cover up my laughter. Edward looked at me trough his lashes and smiled a little himself.

We reached the hospital and the police officer got out too.

In the hospital they said after one and a half hour that I had 2 bruised ribs and 1 broken one. I had a concussion and some other bruises. They even made pictures of the bruises as evidence.

'When will this day end?' I whispered to Edward. The police officer was discussing something with the doctor. Edward got up and had a few quick words with the police officer and he and Edward came back to me. I slowly got up, not certain if the tests were done.

'I'm going to bring you two back to the hotel.'

'Is James there?' I asked to the two backs that were walking to the exit. They both turned, but I was looking at the police officer.

'James has been arrested for using physical violence and threathing with killing you. As for the others, they were in on the plan, so they have been arrested too.'

'So, I won't see him?' I asked, just to be certain.

The police officer looked bored now and Edward turned to him.

'I broke my promise to her, so now she isn't certain about James.'

The police officer slowly turned to Edward and stared him in the eye. Edward actually looked uncomfortable.

'Fool,' he said.

'You don't even know what the promise was.'

The police gave a nod as if to tell Edward to continue.

'I promised she wouldn't see James anymore.'

Now the police officer turned to stare at me. I understood now why Edward had been feeling uncomfortable. He made you feel like a little ant that could be crushed under his foot.

'Fool,' he said, but now to me. 'How do you expect him to keep a promise like that. You have no idea how strong five girls can be.'

Again he turned.

'But you,' he said to Edward, 'are the biggest fool. Don't make promises you can't keep.' He briefly looked at me. 'I don't know what you see in him. He breaks promises and gets drunk so you have to take him back.'

I scowled.

'Wait, you are that police officer from that night?' I asked surprised. 'I didn't recognize you.'

'That's me.'

He turned and walked to his car and I followed. Edward was walking behind me.

At the hotel, I immediatly dropped on his bed and fell asleep.

And I didn't wake up until late in the morning on Sunday.

* * *

**A/N: **I am so glad Saturday is over. So many chapters for just one day. There was a little twist in it, but just to make it a little exciting because it wasn't very expecting, I guess.

So, was it a good or bad twist? I wasn't sure if I should have posted this chapter. I had 2 options for the rest of Saturday: James revenge or self defense lessons. But we still have Sunday :)

I gotta tell, enjoy these last days with Edward & Bella. I'm just saying...


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

**A/N: **I don't know if it's been long, but if it has been, sorry for the long waiting.

* * *

**Mr. Italiano**

It scared the hell out of me when I opened my eyes and saw three pairs of eyes watching me. I immediately sat up and stared in front of me, embarrassed. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Emmett and Jasper move and when they reached the door, Emmett gave Edward a warning with his eyes. I looked at Edward, who was just in the middle of rolling his eyes.

'I'll call later,' Jasper said and then closing the door behind him.

_Wait a minute._

I started to remember my dream. I was somewhere, but where? Edward was there and many other people too, I think. We weren't allowed to leave. It was such a weird dream. I was helping someone?

'What are you thinking?' Edward asked. I only moved my eyes, not my head, to meet his.

'My dream,' I answered.

Then, in the dream, I was walking outside, which, I suppose, wasn't allowed. And people started to scream. In the end, Edward helped me.

It was then that, with a shock, I realised I had dreamed about Edward in the same room with Edward and his brothers. Had I said something out loud?

'What was it about?' he asked, but I ignored that.

'Why were the three of you watching me?' I asked, curious.

'Nothing,' he said with a shrug, glancing at the clock for just a second and then back at me. My eyes went wide and a smile formed on my face in triumph. 'What?' My smile grew until he could probably see all of my teeth. I didn't care, I had figured him out.

'You are lying,' I said, sitting up straight.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. Fake surprise, I thought to myself.

'You,' I said, moving my lips slowly, 'looked away.'

His eyebrows slowly went down again and the surprise left his face.

'I'm right?' I asked. 'Right?'

He didn't answer.

'Why were you looking?' I asked again.

He looked a little uncomfortable. 'You talk.'

My eyes went wide. 'No!' I said, lying down and throwing the blanket over my head. I closed my eyes. 'What did I say?' I asked in horror.

I felt the covers being pulled away from me and I realised I was still wearing Edward's blouse, but my jeans had been replaced by sweat pants. When had that happened? More importantly, who had made that happen?

Edward pushed me aside and I sat up. He came to site next to me. I turned my head, so I wasn't looking at him.

'You don't like being forced, but what you don't like even more is when others are forced. You fear James, but believe that I will come and save you.' I stopped breathing. 'That doesn't change anything in your trusting though. You still have no clue what to think of me. But for now, you just let things happen.'

'You got all of that out of one dream?' I croaked out, all triumph gone. I had figured out that he was lying, but it was nothing, compared at what he was able to do. And that was, to be precise, so much more.

'And your face expressions too,' he said. I blinked.

'Am I still dreaming?' I suddenly asked.

'No,' he said with a smile. 'It's really fascinating, watching you dream and talk like that. It's like... never mind.'

'Like what?' I asked. What does he mean? What is it like?

'It's stupid,' he said.

'Edward, you just saw me talking. Say it or...' I said, trailing of. What could I possibly do?

'Or else what?' he asked, probably also thinking about what I could possibly do. 'You'll force it out of me?'

'Yes,' I said, but only joking.

'I think that will be fascinating too,' he said with a grin.

I turned my head, a little mad and sad at the same time. Why did I have to be a sleep talker and why couldn't Edward just tell me what he was thinking?

'Just as fascinating as when you changed my jeans?' I asked sarcastically. When he didn't answer, I asked, 'Did you?'

'Yes, but sleeping in jeans isn't comfortable, now is it?' he asked, as if he had the smartest answer.

'What do you care?' I asked, suddenly filled with annoyance. He treated me like... like... a patient? A friend? A girlfriend? No. But someone who he sees many times with too much bare skin.

Edward stood up and I did too. I walked to the window, stumbling over the too long sweet pants, and tried opening it. Again this stupid window I couldn't open. I pulled, but then turned, frustrated, only to see Edward glaring at me.

'What are you glaring at?' I asked, my annoyance changed into rage. And when I was raged, everything that I better should not say out loud, I did say out loud.

He stomped towards me and I immediately stepped away. He didn't walk to me though, but to the window and opened it.

_See, why couldn't I do that?_

He looked at my form and frowned.

'What the hell is that matter with you? Do you really think I'll hit you?' He walked to me again and I kept walking backwards. 'Bella, stop it.' I didn't stop walking and he didn't either. I reached a wall and closed my eyes, in fear of what he would do.

Seconds were passing fast, but he didn't touch me. I didn't even hear him anymore and when I opened my eyes, he had his arms crossed and was glaring again.

'Did I pass?' he asked. I scowled. 'Your test, or whatever.' He waited for an answer.

'What test?' I asked, really confused now.

'I didn't do anything, so did I pass?' he asked again.

'Pass what?' I asked. I wanted to walk past him to the window for some fresh air, but he stopped me.

'Bella!' he said and his loud voice made me back away from him, so I was pressed against the wall again. I closed my eyes. It was more calming if I didn't see him glaring. I heard him walk away from me and then a loud bang of the door, that made me jump up. I looked at the door and heard him lock it. Then I was alone in his hotel room and I was literally trapped.

I went to the window and took a few deep breaths. Did Edward and I just have a fight? Because, how childish this may sound, he did started it. He didn't answer me, he was being mysterious and saying it was 'fascinating' to see me dream, force things out of him and taking my clothes off. I had to calm myself down.

I took a towel and went to the bathroom. First I brushed my teeth with a new toothbrush, that someone had put there, and then I kicked of the clothes and I took a shower, using the same shampoo that I had used earlier. The hot water relaxed me and the tension was leaving. I tried to think of nothing, because nothing mattered.

Thinking about James didn't matter. Thinking about Edward didn't matter. Thinking about Charlie and Renee didn't matter. Thinking about food didn't matter. Thinking about my life didn't matter.

It all didn't matter to me. It was all wrong. Thinking about it hurt me and brought back the bad memories. Piece by piece they all gave me an ache in my hearth that wouldn't leave. It only grew, even though I was starving myself. Yes, I can admit that. I can admit that I'm starving myself. And also I can admit that I don't care. It's all I can do.

I stepped out of the shower and threw the towel over my body and lied down in the middle of the bathroom and as tired as I still was, I fell asleep.

At some point, the hard floor changed into a soft mattress. I opened my eyes sleepily to see Edward staring at me.

'Fascinating?' I asked sarcastically. It was the first thing that popped in my mind to say.

'Always,' he replied dryly.

'I thought I had locked the door,' I said, thinking back. I really think I had locked it.

'It's really not hard unlocking it again,' he said darkly and his glare in his eye was even more scary.

I pulled the towel closer to me and he nodded his head to a pile of clothes next to me. Then he went to the bathroom himself and I quickly changed into them. This time he had given me one of his own jeans and a different blouse, white this time. I found my bra, _great, he has seen that too, _and put it on and when I saw the pink hipster with the word Sunday on it, I laughed out loud. Maybe it wasn't even funny, but once I had started, I kept laughing. That Alice must be one freaky girl to buy pink hipsters with the day of the week on it. I put it on and Edward's jean. I was just closing the blouse when Edward came out.

He threw a packet to me and it contained six more hipsters, in the colors blue, green, black, yellow, white and red and they contained the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. This is so stupid, and yet laughable.

'Don't tell Alice, but this is horrible,' I said, laughing a little again. For the first time my eyes caught the brand.

Victoria's secret.

'Why would she buy Victoria's Secret just for a stranger?' I wondered out loud. I picked the packet and turned it around.

When I noticed the price, which was still on it, and gasped in surprise, Edward said, 'I bought it.' I looked up at him. He wasn't glaring anymore, but still there was annoyance on his face. 'For you,' he added quickly.

'It's 100 dollars,' I said, looking back at the price again. Maybe I had seen it wrong. No, two zero's definitely.

'Bella, here's what you say,' he said and I looked up at him again. 'Thank you, Edward.'

'No,' I said. He rolled his eyes. 'For all I know, you are a loverboy.' He rolled them again. 'You could,' I insisted, not believing it myself. 'Why did you buy this?' I asked. The freaking guy had bought me hipsters.

He shrugged.

I sighed.

'Sorry,' he said. I looked at his face to see no more anger or annoyance. 'For how I reacted. And for your question, it's like I get to know you better. When I see you talking in your sleep, it's like I get to know you better.'

'Oh.' The whole fight had started because I wanted to know what it was like, until he trailed of.

'And for this,' he said, pointing at the window. 'You have to push once before you start pulling.'

I nodded my head a little.

'And I'm sorry for doing what I did earlier. I keep thinking it's only me, but you think everyone wants totorture you.' I gaped at him, and he continued. 'You have trusting issues.' He shrugged. 'It's alright.'

I stared at the packet in my hands.

'I can't take this,' I said.

'I am giving it to you. Throw it away if it's really that horrible, but I don't want it back.' I dropped my head in shame and stopped talking about it. I saw him walking out of the corner of my eye.

'You know, when yesterday James was sitting on you? There is a way to kick someone off of you when he's on you like that.' He took my hand and pulled me up.

'There goes another promise,' I muttered. He turned for a second to look at his hand around mine.

He smirked. 'That promise was already gone.' He pulled me along. 'Lie down.'

'What?' I asked, looking at the floor. He pushed my shoulders and I just sat and eventually lay down. He came to stand over me and instantly I remembered James, who had done the same. I tried moving, while I still could, but Edward quickly bend and sat on me.

Just like James.

I struggled and pulled, but Edward stopped me again by grabbing my wrists and holding them above my head. I started breathing faster and tried kicking with my feet now.

'When you've calmed down, I'll show you how you can defend yourself in this exact position.' He released my wrists and I lifted my hands again and he smiled a little. 'Close your eyes for a second and breath.' I scowled at him and tried pushing him again. I didn't agree to this and he was too strong. 'Bella, stop it now. What you are doing, has no use. Keep doing this if you are waiting for rape.' He eyes went wide and I struggled more. 'Or listen to me if you want help.' I was still struggling, but it was lessening now. After a minute he sighed.

'Sorry,' he said as he put his hand on my eyes. I stopped moving and my whole body tensed. 'Bella, you have to keep breathing. You have to stop panicking. You have to calm down.' Have to do this, have to do that... I was able to shake my head a little. 'I am not going to get off of you, so stop hoping,' he hissed.

My eyes filled immediately and the tears fell. Edward moved his hand a little, feeling the tears, I guess.

'That's what James said,' I said, barely inaudible.

'Bella,' he said in his normal tone, giving me my sight back and taking my head with both of his hands. 'I know he said that. I heard the last few things he told you. And I am not James. I don't like tortering you. What I do need to know, is if you are that traumatized by James, that you would immediately freeze up if someone told you something like that again. It seems like you are, because... you started to cry.' He wiped my cheeks with my fingers and I had already been able to stop crying.

'And I don't take what James did lightly. But this is the only way I can teach you. I don't want you to be in a situation like that again where you can't defend yourself. You need to know, or else some bastard will be your first.'

'Edward...' I said, embarrassed about talking about my virginity again. I didn't understand his reaction.

'Don't call me Edward.'

I looked into his eyes and knew what he meant.

'How do I kick you off, Anthony?' I said tiredly.

He grabbed my wrists and held those again. There was some panic entering my body again.

'This is impossible,' I muttered.

'Oh, yeah?' he smirked. 'Lift your leg and kick me with your knee. Go on.'

I kicked once and nothing happened. 'I think it's really sweet of you to be concerned about hurting me, but please, Bella, kick harder.' This time I kicked him with all my power and he flew forward, his hands releasing my wrist. He was now hanging above me.

'Good one. Now your hands are free, so you can grab my waist and push me beside.'

'You're too strong.'

'No, I just lost my balance, so when you kick, you quickly push me off of you with your free hands.'

He sat on me again and I didn't wait for him to say it, I kicked and when my hands were free I pushed him beside. What I didn't expect to happen, was that he would knock his head badly on the floor.

'Are you alright?' I asked, worried.

'No.'

I dropped my eyes. 'I didn't mean to hurt you.'

'Good kick, Bella. How does it feel to make the impossible possible?'

'There are still things that are impossible,' I muttered.

'I know which one,' he said, getting up again. He pushed me back on the floor again and my knees were bend. 'You are not going to like this.' He opened my knees.

'Hey!' I said, trying to close them again, but he already lied on me, between my damn legs. Between them! Oh, God, I'm going to die. But first I'm going to faint. I tried looking anywhere but him. I heard his chuckle.

'Interested on how you get out of this one?' he asked, obviously humored by my discomfort. I kept looking away and kept my mouth shut. 'It's ignoring time now, huh?' he asked. 'Look, sweetheart, don't forget that I'm lying on you.' I closed my eyes, trying to calm my upcoming rage. '_Between _your legs.'

'What do you want from me, Edward?' I snapped. 'You want to screw me? Go right ahead! I don't care, alright? Like who cares about me? Who would know that I have been killed, or raped for that matter? Edward, do what ever you want. I don't care.'

My breathing was fast, as was the beating of my heart. I didn't even remember what I had just said to Edward. I just forgot with my stupid, useless brain.I felt tears well up, but didn't shed them. He had seen my cry too many times already. He didn't say anything for a while, until he softly took my chin and made me face him.

'You don't care? Then why are you sad?' he asked in his most kindest voice. 'I care and I would know. Okay? And I don't want you to think stuff like that. If I wanted to _screw _you, like you call it, don't you think I would have done it a long time ago?'

'Shut up,' I said, my voice breaking.

'I don't want something from you, Bella,' he said. He took one of my legs and I watched him carefully. 'Learning isn't always fun. Especially when it involves me lying on top of you,' he said very casually and I looked at him uncertain. Was he mad at me again? His eyes softened once mine found his. 'I want you to be able to get me, or any other person, out of this position. Again, you can do this without your hands.' He took my right knee and bended it so that my shin was on his abdomen. 'So now, you push me aside with this knee.' He touched my left knee. Then he put my right knee back on the floor again.

'Impossible,' I said.

'Déjà vu,' Edward said dryly.

'What has changed?' I asked, meaning his changed behaviour. 'You'll get rid of me soon again. And then you can go back to who ever you want.' I looked away. 'Just don't be so mean to me.' I lifted my knee, just like he had and pushed with the other and he fell on his hands this time. It had actually worked. I was able to struggle out and sat on the bed. He slowly got up too and lied on the other bed, which was Emmett's or Jasper's.

'My head hurts,' he said, closing his eyes.

'Take a pill,' I said.

'It won't work,' he muttered.

'No, because you are special and different than the rest of us,' I replied sarcastically.

'I give up,' he said, jumping of the bed and opening the drawer next to his bed. He pulled out the famous packet and lit a cigarette. He took a drag with his eyes close and then blew out the smoke.

In my direction. I quickly got of the bed and went to the window.

'That's how you cure a head ache,' he said from behind me.

'Stupid addict,' I said when I smelled the smoke. 'Foul and disgusting.' I coughed. 'Smoking poison.' I hanged my head out of the window for quite a while. When I pulled my head back inside, I smelled it again and almost groaned. 'Please, could you quit that?' I asked and turned around. He was just lightening another cigarette with the one the he had just finished. I gaped at him and he looked like he had been caught doing something bad. Again.

'Trying to quit this, seems barable at first. But when time is passing and every nerve of your body wants a cigarette, you fall right back into it. I tried. Sorry.'

'You tried quiting?' I asked surprised. He nodded. 'When did you have your last cigarette?' He looked at the clock.

'At two,' he said. 'I couldn't sleep.' I looked at the clock too and it was almost eleven o'clock.

'Impressive.' I quickly counted. 'You managed for almost ten hours,' I said sarcastically.

His lips twitched a little and eventually he smiled. He held the cigarette between his fingers. 'Actually nine,' he said. I scowled and then I looked at the clock and counted by the hour.

_.. Seven, eight, nine. Damn it, he's right!_

He was taking a drag and watching me at the same time. He was still amused. I looked out of the window again. I can't even count. When I turned, he had the clock in his hands and was pointing at each number. Then he started again, beginning at two, ending ateleven.

'What are you doing,' I asked annoyed.

'How can you miscount?' he asked in disbelief. He started pointing at the numbers again, counting. 'I don't get it.'

'Are you done making fun of me?' I asked him.

'Almost,' he said, putting the clock back. Another drag. He was smiling. 'I've bought something else for you.'

'I don't want it,' I said quickly. He has bought me enough and by the way, why does he keep buying me things?

'Yeah, you do,' he said. He handed me something, but I didn't take it. 'It's pepper spray. This is what I meant by something better.'

I stared astonished. Yesterday after he punched James off of me, he had said that. I just thought it was some meaningless talking, but it wasn't?

'Thanks,' I mumbled, extending my hand to take it from him, but when I took it, he didn't let go. I met his eyes and his were amused. 'What?'

'It's the first thing you accept from me,' he said. I quickly let go of the pepper spray. No, I would buy one myself. I turned and stared outside again. There wasn't anyone outside. 'Your welcome.' He came to stand next to me and handed it again. _Too late, mister._

'No thanks. I changed my mind.'

He put the spray on the windowsill and I saw he pulled out his packet of cigarettes again. I scowled when he pulled out another and lit it with the one the he had between his lips.

'I strongly advise you not to stop smoking,' I said sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes and clearly enjoyed his cigarette.

'Because, stopping only makes you smoke more, after a few hours,' I said.

He was just taking another drag and looked at me trough his lashes in confusion.

'Well, it's true,' I said a little uncomfortable by his gaze.

He threw the unfinished cigarette outside and smiled.

'You've had enough?' I asked with sarcasm again. He leaned out of the window and I stepped back, because we were close to each other.

'All you can seem to talk about is cigarettes,' he said. 'I might almost think you want one.' He pulled out his head and smiled. 'Do you?'

I shook my head quickly and he smiled even more.

'I don't,' I said with another conformation that I did not want one.

'I know,' he said softly and reassuringly. He walked away from me and took a first aid kit. It looked familiar and I scowled, trying to remember. I let my eyes wander, thinking hard, until my eyes landed on his and he looked confused.

'It's so weird, it's like I've seen that kit before,' I said and my stupid brain works right after I said that.

But of course. My eyes landed on my wrist and it had been just two days ago when I did this. I hadn't even looked at the wound. I had absolutely forgotten and Edward hadn't. I wish I had half of the brain he has.

'You seem sad,' I heard his gentle voice.

'I'm stupid,' we both said at the same time. I blinked and he scowled which quickly turned to a glare.

_Need a cigarette? _I wanted to ask. That might give him some good mood again. I didn't want to break the silence, so I patiently waited.

'Why are you stupid now?' he asked sourly. He sat on the bed.

'I remembered too late where I'd seen that kit before,' I mumbled and Edward's sigh made me look up.

'Really, Bella? The only reason why you are stupid is because you think you are stupid for not remembering. I made you drunk to make you forget and because you forgot the rest, doesn't mean you're stupid.' His tone had an annoyed edge and it made me sad again. So he did think I was stupid. That's what he had said, right?

'I'm the stupid one here,' he suddenly said in a louder voice. 'Of course you look sad. After everything you've been trough in such a short amount of time. And then you are forced to spend time with me. _Me_, Bella. Of course you are sad.'

I shrugged. It was because I didn't really care anymore.

'Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Bella.'

'Don't worry yourself, because I'm not,' I said.

'So you would say anything to me, without worry?' he said, raising an eyebrow as he pulled out a new bandage.

'Ehm, yes?' I said uncertain. What did he mean by anything? He smirked. 'Come over here.'

I slowly walked over to him, but didn't sit down.

'Why aren't you sitting?' he asked and I sighed. I sat down on the opposite side of him and stared at my hands. He took my wrist and cut the bandage open. He slowly opened it and put the bandage assideon the bed. He stared at the wound and I didn't know what to feel. It was actually big.

'How did I do this?' I mumbled. I couldn't help but feel stupid again.

'With a knife,' he answered. 'I was late.' He bend his back so I could look at him. 'And what's even worse, I think you wanted to cut you other wrist.'

I averted my eyes and autimatically shrugged again. I smiled a little when I realised he was making a bigger deal than I was.

'You surprise me again,' he said, staring for a second at my smile and then taking my wrist softly and cleaning the wound. He put some cream around the wound and it stung when I felt a little in my wound.

'Sorry,' he said, raising my wrist and blowing on the wound. It cooled down and the stinging lessened. 'Better?' he softly asked. I was only able to stare. 'What?' he asked, laughing once. I thought about a response, but I wasn't able to form a sentence with words myself, so I just said what he had just said.

'You surprise me again,' I said. His eyes soften and he smiled. I smiled once and looked down again. 'I'm sorry for being so touchy yesterday,' I said, remembering wanting to be around him all the time. What had been wrong with me?

This time, he smiled wickedly and I thought that was very mean of him. I tried to tell him that with my eyes and he changed it in just a smile. 'You are on a lot of medicine, especially yesterday, since all the doses are doubled on the first day.' I scowled, not getting where he was going. 'They made you lightheaded.' He looked up, but I was still scowling. 'You were high, Bella.'

I dropped my eyes immediately and this did matter. I had been high with Edward around me? But... high? Seriously? Do people get touchy when they are high?

'Which was probably a little my fault,' he said. 'I gave you strong painkillers and I mixed two pots up. Basically, I gave you two to many pills of one of the pots and two to little of the other.'

He took my wrist and looked at the wound again. He put a bandage on it and then he pulled out of somewhere two other bandages in the colors pink and green.

'Pick,' he said, showing them up. Had he bought these himself? I point at the pink one and when I look up at him, he has a blank expression. His eyes briefly capture mine.

'Green,' I said. He scowled and I scowled too. I don't understand myself anymore. But when he looked at me, I saw his eyes. And the greenness in them surprised me for the first time. Or wasn't this the first time?

'What's the internal battle about?' he said, smiling as he put the green over my wrist. It was amazing how he put it with exactly enough pressure, not too tight.

'Nothing,' I said with a blush.

He chuckled. 'By the way, I'm not counting anymore.' I scowled. 'Your blushes.' I glared. He laughed.

'Why are you blushing?' he whispered with humor.

'I... You have... Your green eyes...' I said, not really making a normal, human sentence. 'I didn't... Ever...' I continued, even though the voices in my head were yelling _Shut up!, _' Really notice... Before...'

'Oh, I remember something,' he said.

'What?'

'You were fascinated about my eyes when you were drunk. You were almost swimming in them,' he said with a chuckle. He didn't see my wide eyed stare. 'You tried poking them out, too.'

I had done what? Oh my... I can't ever look at him again or those green eyes, for that matter. And I regret so much for not choosing pink.

'You're pale,' he said with alarm. I shift my eyes from left to right, because I want to look up, but also I don't want to look up. 'Paler,' he said. That did make me look up. 'Well, you are pale when you're not blushing.'

The heat was coming on my cheeks again and I wanted so badly to stop this blush.

'Bella, even your blush isn't as pink anymore. What's the matter? You need air? Is it something I said?'

I nodded my head, because I couldn't say anything.

'I hate that I never know how to comfort you best,' he said, dragging his hand trough his hair and I saw that he was uncomfortable. His discomfort relaxed me, strangely enough.

'I'm fine,' I croaked out.

He brought his face awfully close to mine and the blush felt hotter. I was staring at his green eyes, amazed by the color. How come I never noticed before?

'Liar,' he slowly said.

_Green._

'Green?' he asked amused.

'Oh. Uhm. Did I say that out loud?'

I was afraid my blush would never leave my face again.

'Yes,' he said, all at ease. I pushed him with my hand and he momentarily looked confused and then smiled as my hand stayed on his chest. I pulled it back.

'Go smoke,' I said, and for the first time hoping he would just go and smoke.

'This is more interesting,' he said. 'Besides, smoking is bad.'

'You just had three,' I said, some sarcasm in my voice and some of the blush leaving me.

'Okay, enough cigarette talk. Do you want painkillers?' I shook my head. He got a few pots and gave me the pills. My medicine. He gave me a glass with water, that was already on his nightstand and I took the pills.

'You didn't mix up this time? Making my high again?'

'No, though that could be interesting too,' he said.

'I might almost think you are interested in me,' I mutter but the sarcasm still very purely in my voice.

'You're very sarcastic today,' he says.

I shrug again.

'Are you feeling a little unreal?' he asks and I wasn't sure if he was joking. I tried to read his face, but all I could see was kindness and maybe concern and some curiosity.

I shrug.

'You should really stop shrugging, before it will be something you do automatically,' he says, joking a little. This time I don't mind as much.

'I don't know, actually, what I'm feeling,' I said honestly.

'Maybe when you're back home, the feelings will come,' he said.

Back home.

'Maybe,' I agree.

'You have been through a lot. But...' he trails off.

I look at him expectantly. He smiles when he sees my face.

'But you shouldn't worry,' he ends.

Again with the worry. I was a little disappointed, because I thought he would say something useful.

'And I wish I could promise you that you will be fine, healthy and happy again soon, but I can't.'

I scowl at him and he stands up.

'Can I see your back?' he asks from behind me.

'Uhm...' I said.

'I'm asking permission,' he said.

'Do whatever you need to do,' I said and I feel his hands on my sides, pulling up the blouse that was his. He was halfway up when he stopped.

'The shampoo you used is mine,' he says, pulling the blouse up more. I feel his cold hand on my back and it's quit a nice feeling. I wasn't really comprehending what he was saying. 'Oh, Bella.'

'What?'

He softly places his hand on the places that feel hot when he touches me and I close my eyes. Tired again.

'Bella?' he asked and suddenly his face is in front of mine.

'What?' I asked in a daze.

He smiles softly. 'I asked if you are in any pain.'

'No,' I mumble. 'Just tired.'

He pulls out a bar of chocolate from somewhere. Just like the one that he had in the airplane. Just like the one Charlie had bought me.

My favourite.

I don't even know where he had gotten that from. He must have been shopping. He broke a piece and ate it. I watched him carefully and I'm less tired now. The feeling of unfairness comes again. He is eating chocolate, which happens to be my favourite and when he eats another piece, I look down, only finding myself to look at the packet in his hand.

I sigh deeply with my eyes closed and feeling something press against my lips. I startle and look what it is. Edward is feeding me chocolate again. It is so unfair.

'I'm not going to force you,' he said. 'But Bella, you do realise you haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning?'

I nod a little and he looks thoughtful.

'Eat a little and then you can go to sleep.' I can barely even keep my eyes open. I drop them and after a second feel his hand on the left side of my ribs. My eyes open again and he's looking at my face. 'I don't understand. I can feel your ribs, Bella.'

I avoid his gaze and he pulls my blouse up to touch my bare ribs now.

'Bella...' he said and sighs. I look up at him and he looks determined. _About what? _I wonder. 'I don't care, you are eating.' He let go of my ribs and pulls down the blouse. 'Even if I have to force you,' he says trough his eyelashes and then he breaks another piece. What happened to no forcing? I stare in horror, all of my body was awake now. I pushed myself of the bed and slowly got up. Where would I go?

I turn to see him sitting on the bed, relaxed but also cautious. I stand there in the middle of the room, staring at the floor and with no idea in my head. Not one single thought.

Edward slowly gets up, but he leaves the chocolate on the bed. I stare at it and suddenly Edward is in front of me. He doesn't do anything, except to stand there and look down at me. I was looking down at the floor. What does he want from me? Wait, I know, he wants to shove chocolate down my throat so I'll be fat again.

I barely felt him touch my hand and take it in his. He walks backwards and when our arms our stretched, I have to take a step too. He walks very slowly until he reaches the bed. To the chocolate again. I tried walking back again, but Edward didn't let go of my hand. He sat down and pushed me softly down.

'Close your eyes,' he said softly and when I wouldn't, he softly brought his hand towards my eyes and closed them. 'Bella, don't think. I'll guide you.'

What? No! I don't want this. He just... I don't know. I want to get away from here. What if...? 'And Bella, don't worry. I'm a great guider.' I was able to shake my head and he softly placed his hand on my face and I stopped shaking it. Actually, my whole body was slightly shaking. Or wasn't it? I couldn't be sure of myself anymore.

'I'll call you Isabella, alright?' His thumb stroked the side of my mouth, but not my lip. He pressed again and I opened my eyes. 'Isabella,' he said softly and looks me deep in the eyes. I see his green ones. I can't even blink now. Without realising it, the chocolate is in my mouth and just a few seconds later I swallowed it. The sweet taste almost shocked me. Not eating does that. The moment you taste food again, you taste it ten times better than someone who eats regularly. But I shouldn't be eating. I mustn'teat.

'Cara, close your eyes. It's just me and you.'

The way he said it scared me, it sounded so intimidating, so I made sure I blinked as less as I could. 'Sottile gattino. Forte gattino.' His soothing voice, not knowing what he said and of it was even English, made me sleepy again. I closed my eyes unwillingly. He pushed another piece of chocolate and that one I ate too.

It felt like there was chocolate in my mouth all the time, but I couldn't say anything, complain or even feel bad about it. It was all so weird.

'Il tuo cuore si è spezzato,' he said, briefly touching my chest. Huh? And more chocolate in my mouth. I am eating. And I can't stop it. 'È colpa mia.' This time his voice is low and angry. At me? 'Mia cara ragazza,' he said, much more gentle now.

He pushed me back so that I was lying and then pulled up the blankets.

'Mia dispiase,' he whispered. 'Più volte, Isabella.'

Was I still on earth?

'Sleep, Bella,' I heard English-talking Edward. 'I told you I'm a great guider,' he added quickly and I fell asleep.

In the back of my head some voice told me that he was able to control me.

Somewhere I heard his voice again.

'Mi dispiaceper quello che sto andandoa fare.'

* * *

**A/N:**I'm kind, so I'm going to give you the translation.

Cara: Dear  
Sottile gattino: Thin kitten.  
Forte gattino: Strong kitten.  
Il tuo cuore si è spezzato: Your heart is broken.  
È colpa mia: It is my fault.  
Miacara ragazza: My dear girl.  
Mia dispiase: I'm sorry.  
Più volte: Again and again.

By the way, for the real Italian speakers here: I'm sorry for my poor attempt at writing Italian, if I have made any mistakes, tell me. Grazie.

Oh, and the last one, of course:

Mi dispiaceper quello che sto andandoa fare.  
I am sorry for what I am going to do.


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

**A/N: **I don't know if you are going to like this chapter...

* * *

**Come undone - Robbie Williams**

Watch me come undone  
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street  
I pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep  
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet  
Because I'm scum, and I'm your son  
I come undone

**White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane**

One pill makes you larger  
And one pill makes you small  
And the ones that mother gives you  
Don't do anything at all  
Go ask Alice  
When she's ten feet tall

**Am I Crazy - Rebecca Lavelle**

Maybe I was wrong  
Maybe I'm to blame  
I thought I'd see you and it would be the same  
When I look at you  
Dunno know who I see  
It is someone new or just a memory

Days drift by  
Sometimes I cry  
Never really understood  
I always thought that you'd be there  
Was I crazy, crazy?  
Sometimes...its so unfair

Don't know where I am  
Don't know where is home  
Don't know much at all  
But it ain't much fun alone  
Guess I'll work it out  
What else can you do  
Maybe life goes on with one instead of two

Days drift by  
Sometimes I cry  
I never really understood  
I always thought that you'd be there  
Was I crazy, crazy?  
Sometimes...its so unfair

and was I crazy, crazy?  
Sometimes...its so unfair

* * *

**It can't be any worse**

I woke up and put my hand in my stomach. It hurt and felt different. Bigger.

_No!_

I pushed myself up and Edward looked up surprised. He had his mobile in his hand.

'What's the time?' I asked.

'Twelve,' he said, looking back at his mobile. He was sitting on the other bed. I hadn't slept long, then.

I grabbed my stomach, because I was feeling awful cramps in it.

'Did you feed me poison?' I asked with my eyes half closed. He scowled and watched me for a second. He put the mobile in his pocket and stood up.

'Where hurts?' he asked, watching me carefully.

'Here,' I murmured, giving one tap on my stomach. I pressed hard when I felt pain coming again.

'Shit,' he said, lifting my up and bringing me to the bathroom. I didn't object when he lifted me. He placed me on the ground close to the toilet.

'What are you doing?' I asked alarmed.

'Emptying your stomach,' he said. His tone was angry again.

'What?' I asked, backing away from him.

'Trust me, alright?' he asked. He put his hand on my back and he brought the other one to my mouth.

'Wait, I can do this myself,' I said quickly. Did he want me to puke?

He scowled again. 'You sure?' he asked.

I nodded.

'Really?'

'Yes,' I said annoyed and before I knew it, he pushed his fingers down my throat and I puked out chocolate. Edward had already removed his fingers and with his other hand he pushed back my hair.

'Edward,' I said between pants but I wasn't able to put enough annoyance in my voice like I had wanted to. This is so embarrassing. He stood up, thank God, and closed the door. I stood up, flushed the toilet and brushed my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long while. I really did look like a ghost.

I placed my hand on my stomach again. It hurt even more now. In the mirror Edward appeared behind me and he scowled again.

'Are you still in pain?' he asked.

I shook my head, hoping that would please him. It seemed like he was mad again, but why? I didn't understand him. Did I do something wrong?

'Don't lie,' he said, closing the distance between us. He pushed his hands under mine and I quickly dropped my own hand. He massaged it and I watched him carefully through the mirror. He was looking down and thinking about something. His eyes suddenly looked at mine through the mirror and I looked to the left. The pain was coming again and he pressed at the right spot and the pain went away. Wow. Interesting. How did he know? Did he see it on my expression? Or did he feel something? Or maybe it was just luck?

'Pain go away, pain go away,' he said, putting his chin on the top of my head. I giggled and when the stupid sound escaped my lips, my hand flew to my lips to make it stop. Edward smiled. 'You're so small,' he murmured, pushing my whole body against his. I widened my eyes, but he didn't notice.

He looked incredulous and watched my whole body as if he was seeing it for the first time.

'You're tall,' I pointed out and he looked up at me and chuckled. He touched me again, but now it wasn't to press, but to touch. He hand trailed from my shoulders down. He pulled up my blouse again and put his fingers around my waist. I looked down and the end of his fingers almost reached each other. There still was room though. I'm so fat. He probably thought so too.

'This was the kind of small I was talking about, Bella,' he said. _Small?_ 'You have to take care of yourself.' I looked up at him and he sighed. 'Good care, Bella. I mean it.'

There was that hard trying again. I smiled, even though it wasn't funny.

'Or you'll have to go to the clinic,' he said. My breath hitched and he smirked. He released my waist.

'Why would you say something like that?' I asked, yanking the blouse down.

'To make you uncomfortable, annoyed and your whole life a misery,' he said. I looked away and he nudged my side. 'Joke.'

'I know,' I answered him hastily.

'I'm telling you because you can't even keep a few pieces of chocolate in your system. Your body isn't used to food anymore. This isn't normal, but you're doing it for a reason. Why don't you eat?'

I walked away from him, back to his bed. I didn't like this conversation. I didn't sit down and Edward turned me around.

'Can you tell me?' he asked.

I shrugged.

'I just want to know one thing. Is a part of the reason or maybe even the whole reason... me?' he asked. My sudden laughter surprised him and he scowled at me.

'You really have nothing to do with it,' I said between laughters. 'You really aren't that important.'

'Is that so?' he asked, smiling wickedly. He also looked relieved.

'I didn't even know you the first time I had to go to the... I had to go,' I finished.

He nodded.

'By the way,' he said and his tone was strange. 'Don't believe a thing I say.'

'Like what?' I asked slowly.

'Everything,' he said.

'Right,' I said sarcastically. I thought about that for a second and when he looked up, he looked troubled. I smiled. 'I already didn't.'

'Actually, I wasn't talking about that,' he said. 'That was true, the earlier talking. But I'm talking about September.'

'Earlier talking? So you mean,' I said slowly and smiling wickedly myself, because I knew what I was about to say would piss him off, 'the choking and drowning?'

I succeeded. Maybe a little too much. Even his eyes looked less green. 'September,' he gritted. I sighed. What was wrong with him?

'September?' I asked doubtfull, not understanding.

'September,' he said with a nod. 'Maybe October,' he said, suddenly not sure.

'September, maybe October?' I asked, just repeating his words. Was he still sain? He only smirked. 'What crime will you commit?' I asked with some laughter. He looked alarmed. 'I'm joking.' He didn't relax though.

'You know. As ignorant as you are,' he said, 'you are damn smart.'

That answers my question; he wasn't sain anymore.

'To what university do you want to go?' he suddenly asked.

'University?' I asked wide eyed. He nodded. 'University? Jeez, Edward. I'll be lucky if I don't get thrown out of school.'

'Why is that?' he asked confused. And I think he was really interested in my answer. But why? My inner thoughts kept screaming _why. _And I would soon too.

'Because,' I said, 'I suck.'

He hid his smile behind his hand.

_Boys and their hormones._

'In school,' I hissed.

'Yes, yes, of course,' he said in a too calming voice. 'Surely, you're not irrecoverable.'

'Ha ha, funny,' I said.

'No, seriously, Bella,' he said. 'You must have a dream job? Or just a dream? Something you are willing to work for?'

'Nope.' I had never thought about anything but food. My thoughts didn't go very far then how I would have to avoid food the next day.

'You don't like school?' he asked and made it a statement.

'I'm not good at it,' I said with a shrug.

He crossed his arms. 'And what are you good at?' he asked. My hand went to my stomach and he followed my movement with his eyes.

'Nothing,' I said quickly.

He narrowed his eyes at me. 'What are you hiding?'

'Nothing,' I said even more quickly again.

'What are you good at?' he asked and this time in a demanding voice, knowing I was hiding something from him. 'Tell me.' I don't know why, but I flinched. Probably because I knew that I would soon tell him the truth if he gave a few more demands.

'What is it about you,' he said, 'that makes me so curious?'

'Nothing,' I answered.

'What are you good at?' he asked, bending his legs and placing his hands on my shoulders and watching me deeply in the eye. He was my height this way and his eyes were very intimidating. And they were back to his normal, pretty green.

'Nothing,' I said and he kept staring. Wow. Green. When would I get used to this? 'I'm good at it,' I whispered.

'It?'

'Not eating.' His eyes were still staring at mine, but I knew that he was thinking about my answer.

'For real?' he asked. 'Seriously. You have got to be kidding me.' He went to lie down on the bed on his back. He was staring at the roof, but his mind was somewhere else, for sure.

I blinked and realised I had just told Edward Anthony Cullen my secret.

My only secret. That I just shared with this guy.

'Don't tell anyone!' I practically screamed. His eyes found mine and he had no expression on his face whatsoever. 'Please, Edward. Please. Please.' I sounded whiny, but I couldn't care less. If he told this to anyone, I would just die. 'Please, Edward, I'm begging.' His expression remained the same. No feelings and no answer. 'I'll go on my knees!' He quirked an eyebrow and to prove him I meant it, I stepped forward and went on my knees. He scowled and looked down. 'Please, Anthony. Don't tell anyone. Could you please not say anything?'

His eyes showed pity? I didn't need his pity, I needed his word! His word so I would know he wouldn't say anything.

He sat down and threw his legs over the bed to stand up. He stood in front of me and was watching me. I felt really small, but didn't break eye contact. He sighed and I kept staring at him, silently begging and I put my hands on each other as if I was praying. 'Please. Please. Please. Please.' He rolled his eyes. 'Please. Please.'

'Alright,' he said.

'No! Edward, _please, _don't say anything.' I grabbed his hand and watched him, softly begging. 'Please? How many times do I have to say please?'

_Alright. _I heard his word in my head, too late, and realised what he had actually said. Damn, I'm still begging here while he had already said he would stay quiet.

'Alright?' I whispered, looking doubtful. He lifted me up with the hand that was still in his.

'Your secret is safe with me,' he said and he smiled.

'Thank you! Thank you!' I said hastily and I don't know how my arms suddenly landed around him. Wow, what am I doing?

'No. Thank you,' he said.

I scowled, but he didn't explain himself. What had I done? I shrugged. It doesn't matter anyway. I was relaxed at last and when I looked up, there was something about Edward's face I didn't like. I dropped my arms.

'What?' I asked.

'I forgot to mention,' he said.

'What?' I asked quickly.

'There's one condition,' he said, watching me in the eye. I held my breath. There is a condition. What could it be? Did he want something from me? Maybe it was about his car? Or about his lying to his dad. Maybe I had to say that it all wasn't a lie. Wait, that can't be really true? What could he possible want. I didn't have anything to offer. I couldn't lie. And that basically left me nowhere and I couldn't figure out what he wanted from me.

I looked up at him, to see him staring at me intently. I just couldn't figure out what he would want. What if I couldn't give it to him? 'A kiss.'

If I hadn't seen his lips move, I wouldn't have believed him say that, but he had. I had witnessed the words and lip movement, so he had really said it. I hadn't imagined it. 'Right here,' he said, pointing his lips. I think my eyes would have fallen out if I had widened them a little more.

He was still staring intently and I dropped myself on the bed. I closed my eyes and imagined everything... different. It didn't even have to be better, but just not like this. What it would have been like if I could enjoy this life.

I knew that my secret would be in the open soon. Because I would not be able to give him that condition.

I closed my eyes and soon Edward lied down next to me.

'Please?' he asked, which came out as a plead. My eyes flew open and he was watching me yet again. I couldn't look away myself because for first, you have to see those green eyes to know for yourself. And second, he was pleading!

He came closer and I inched away. He smiled sadly.

'You've already kissed me. Twice.'

'This is different,' I whispered.

'How's that?' he whispered back. I might almost think he was mocking me. I broke the eye contact.

'That was a matter of life or death,' I said.

'Hmm, is that so?' he said, definitely mocking me. 'So the difference is that back than I _needed _you.'

'I guess.'

'And because I want to now, isn't good enough?' he asked, lifting himself up to watch me in the eye. Different feeling and questions entered me. Because he had just said the word want. To want. Was this still mocking?

'Are you for real?' I mumbeled.

'One kiss to seal the deal,' he said clearly.

'Where?'

Did he want to go into the public again?

'Here.'

Oh.

'When?'

'Now.'

He wanted me to kiss him right here and right now. In this hotel room. Where no one would see us. What was the catch?

'For real?' I asked, giving him a doubtful look. That only made him come close to me.

'Never been more serious.'

'Why?'

His eyes had a little humour in them.

'That is a secret.'

This can't be happening. Basically he wants a kiss so he won't tell my secret away. But he won't tell me why he wants a kiss, because that in its self is a secret.

'You're mean.'

'And on the point of sharing your secret.'

I looked up alarmed, but he was still lying on the bed, calm and relaxed.

'And you're threatening.'

'Sometimes,' he agreed with a nod.

'And awfully jurky.'

'Did you say jurk_y_?'

'And mocking,' I said.

This time he didn't anser, because his eyes were full with mock.

'What do you want from me?' I asked exhausted and sighing deeple.

'A kiss,' he said, tapping his lips and watching me playfully. I looked down, practically closed my eyes, to avoid his.

'Why?'

'Secret,' he said again.

'I told you mine, can't you tell me yours?'

He shook his head and when I looked up, he was still tapping his lips. I looked a second too long and he smiled. I tried to fix my eyes on my hands.

This was my secret. My secret that he knew. What would the outside world do, think and say if they only knew? Would they call me crazy? Would they hate me? Would they sympathise? Would they prisson me in the clinic for an eternity?

What ever the answer was, they all could be avoided with a kiss.

'Okay,' I said. I looked at him to see him quircking an eyebrow.

'And who leads?' he asked. I didn't understand him, and this time, he explained. 'I'm not talking about _just _a kiss. I'm talking about a deep, long kiss.' Now he had my attention and my hearth was racing. 'Maybe I should just lead?' he asked. He leaned forward and I realised that he was really going to do this.

No. I wasn't going to believe it, not until I felt his lips on mine. He was bluffing. Maybe he was testing me?

His green eyes held mine and when he touched my lips, I believed him. Damn. I closed my eyes, just hoping and waiting for this to get over with as fast as it began, but Edward had only begun. I don't know how I knew that he was nowhere near the end, but he wasn't. I ignored the cigarette smoke.

He held my head softly and I put my hands in the sheet, holding onto them. I jumped a little when I felt his body against mine and Edward leaned up so he wouldn't touch me anymore.

_Don't be a baby, Bella. This is just a kiss. People kiss all the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kiss. Just a - TONGUE!_

No, this is a very intimidiating kiss. I didn't sign up for this. I just in time stopped myself with pushing him away when I realised the real prupose here - my secret. I tried to keep as still as possible, not moving anything, not even my lips. I did feel Edward's moving softly. He had somehow managed to open mine a little and this was so weird. I felt his tongue against on my lip and a shiver went through me. I wanted to scream and stop this, but I couldn't. Another shiver. His weight was on me again.

What was I doing? Was I a lunatic? Letting him kiss me like this for just a secret. But then again, it's my secret. I have to keep it safe. Then again, it's just a secret. Should I stop him? Oh my, oh my... please, let this end soon.

'Shh,' I heard his voice and I hadn't realised he had stopped the kiss, released my head and was now making circles around my upper arms. When I opened my eyes, saw worry in his, I realised that I was shaking. My whole body was shaking.

'Get off,' I said, and my voice didn't sound like mine anymore. He pushed his weight off of me and I stood up. I put my feet on the floor and found my key on the nightstand and took it, along with the key that would open his door.

Without looking back, I unlocked the door and opened it. 'I'm sorry,' he said, right before I closed the door. I walked with the speed like a turtle, but didn't care. It was as if I had, just like a turtle, something very heavy on my back and I couldn't get rid of it. So I took my time to get to my hotel room. I unlocked it and when the door opened, everything that happened on Friday night flashed in front of me. In one second I saw it all back again.

I cried on the entrance and didn't know where to go. Inside there? Or back to Edward's room? Or maybe just outside? I dropped my head and it was probably best to go to Edward's, wasn't it? I turned my head at the direction where I had came from and to my biggest dread, I saw Edward. I don't know where the energy came from, but I gave him a glare before stepping into my room and banged the door shut. I leaned back and let the tears run freely. My knees couldn't hold me up anymore and I sank down. I wasn't able to stay quiet and breathed heavily and sobbed. I banged my head on the door. It had no use. I still cried and I still felt despared.

Maybe I was exaggerating. Maybe I was too sensetive. It was just a kiss! But it wasn't the kiss that I was only crying about. Because when Friday flashed back into my mind and I cried, I realised Edward had seen me yet again crying, and I hated that the most. He had indeed seen me cry much too often. It was too much emotion to show. Because, I still don't trust him.

I don't trust Edward. I can't trust him. Because, he doesn't trust me either. He didn't tell me his secret, so he doesn't trust me either.

I promise myself that he won't see me cry anymore. And nobody else for that matter. I'll suck it up. No more crying. I dried away my tears and took a few shaky breaths. This isn't even that hard. And just like that, I sobbed again, only harder this time and I banged my head a few more times on the door.

Why me?

I looked down to see a folded piece of paper. I took it out of curiosity and read.

_Bella,_

_I'm sorry. Come outside later this afternoon?  
__Take care, and don't forget September/October - don't believe a thing.  
__Thank you for the kiss._

_Edward_

I screamed one short scream and ripped the paper into pieces and dropped them while breaking down on the floor. Never ending tears dropped on the floor.

After a few more hours, I had managed to pack all my things in my small lugagge and I dared to open my door and walked downstaires. No way I would ever get into that elevator again. I saw that it was 5 o'clock now and outside I saw Edward smoking a cigaratte with a frown. I walked right past him and he saw me. I tried walking faster, but I knew he was following me.

When we walked past a store and I saw his reflection in it behind me, I turned to glare at him.

'Go away!'

I turned around and smiled at myself for not feeling any tears well up.

Edward grabbed my arm and pushed me sideways into an uncrowded alley.

'I'm sorry,' he said, pinning my wrists into his hands. I wasn't looking at him. 'Bella, I have it. The explanation.' I glared at him and he sighed. 'Mum calls me worthless. Dad says I won't make it far. Once I overheard their conversation. They regret addopting me. They said that I'm a manipulator, a disgrace, a humiliation and...' he trailed off, shaking his head. 'I changed though. I used to be different, but when I changed, they started saying those things. I just tried them out, you know? The cigarettes and drugs.'

_Drugs? Have I spent my time with a junkie?_

'My new behaviour wasn't appreciated by them, but I had new friends. But when I was addicted, even the new friends didn't matter anymore, only the drugs. You probably wonder what I'm on. Usually pills and joints. Those are my distractions.'

_Those are your calls for help, idiot._

'And I don't know how to give you the best sorry. But, I'm selfish. I don't care about what they think.' He was almost hissing now. 'And I don't care about you. I'm a mistake, after all.' He had murmered the last bit.

'Who are you trying to convince?' I asked. He looked up angry and I couldn't care less. 'Me or yourself?' I added viciously.

'Don't you dare go there,' he said. Or actually threatened.

'Go where, Edward? The truth? You smoke. Maybe a whisper for help,' I said with a shrug. 'You drink. A call for help. You use _drugs_?' I asked, looking him in the eye. 'A scream for help.'

'Shut up,' he said, threateningly scary. He even grabbed my wrist harder.

'There's two sides to every story. Why should I believe what you have just said? Even they say you manipulate.'

He looked shocked at me. 'I hate you,' he said, but there was no hate in his voice.

'Right back at you,' I said. 'Go take another joint or whatever you smoke.' He let go of my hands and quickly grabbed something out of his pocket and swallowed it. I stared wide eyed. He took his packets with cigarettes and tried to lighten one. His hands were shaking and he wasn't able to lighten it. He was cursing, but that didn't stop his hand shaking.

I bit my lip nervously. Maybe I was a too harsh?

I reached out, which startled him. He raised his fist and I stared at him incredulusouly. I slowly lightened the lighter and he looked shocked himself. He dropped his fist and came forward to lighten his cigarette. I dropped his lighter and stared into his eyes. He wasn't smoking, but he looked confused. His pupiles were dilated.

For the first time I wondered how addicted Edward really was.

He started waving his hand in front of his face a few times.

'Edward?' I asked hesitantly.

'Annoying bugs,' he said, waving again.

'Yeah...' I said. There was nothing. 'Come on.' I grabbed his arm and went back to the hotel. I managed to pull out the cigarette out of his fingers and throw it on the ground. I dragged him down the stairs and back in the hotelroom, he was panting, sweating and his eyes were looking everywhere. He looked helpless.

I reached out to his blouse and opened the buttons. I threw that off of him and he lied down on the floor. Shaking. Breathing fast. I reached into his pocket and pressed the green button twice.

'Hello,' Jasper said.

'Jasper? Could you come to the hotel room?' I asked hesitantly.

'Is everything alright?' he asked.

'Just come.' I ended the call and put the phone on the nightstand.

Jasper walked in. I don't know how the situation looked from his point of view, but it couldn't be good.

'Did he take something?' Jasper asked.

'Yes.'

'A pill or smoke?' he asked.

'Both,' I said, remembering that he had also smoked before he followed me. 'Is he an addict?'

Jasper looked up at me and looked at me as if he had seen me for the first time.

'This doesn't convice you?' he asked, pointing at Edward.

'I don't know,' I shrugged. 'Does he need anything?'

'Not that I can think of. He has never been like this. He must have really overdosed. I wonder why he would do that.'

And as hard it was to admit, I knew that the reason might have been me.

'Does he do drugs often?' I asked in a dead voice.

'No, actually. Only at parties. Sometimes when he's feeling bad. What happened, anyway?'

'He - uh. He wanted to talk and he started shaking and got a little raged. He then hallucinated, I think.'

'Did he do anything? He didn't hurt you, did he?'

_Not physically, he didn't. _'No, I'm good.'

Jasper took his brothers arm and carries him to the bathroom. He glanced back at me once. 'You can stay or go downstaires. Emmett is there somewhere.' He went to the bathroom and I heard water running.

I needed answers. I had to know precisely if Edward really was an addict or did drugs, like, occasioningly?

It was strange, though. I might have thought that the right thing to have felt, would have been rage, betrayal. But I didn't feel any of those things. I felt sorry for him. And all I could think of, was _poor Edward._

Was I crazy? Was this normal? Was it me?

_I'm a mistake, after all._

I had a feeling that his parents had told him that. Who else?

Maybe this also explained his behaviour? The nice times he was on drugs. The nice times he was high? He was acting?

I sighed.

Who knows?

I had a bad feeling about leaving. Edward has done a lot for me. He had been there for me when I needed someone.

So I stayed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

* * *

**Answers**

I had fallen asleep again, but when I woke up, it was dark. Jasper and Emmett were on the other bed, whispering.

'What are you gossiping about?' I asked jokingly.

They looked up and both smiled a little. I looked around.

'Where's Edward?'

'He's in the bathroom,' Jasper said.

'Is he-' I started.

'This isn't about him, now, Bella,' Emmett interrupted. 'He'll be alright,' he said after seeing my disappointed face. 'And you?'

'What about me?'

'Will you be alright?'

I wanted to reply with an automatic yes, but I couldn't bring myself to lie. If I said yes, I guess I had to work on getting better. I didn't know how to do that. Instead I said nothing at all.

'We're going to eat, are you coming?' Jasper asked.

I glanced at the clock and it was thirty past seven.

'Uhm, Edward hasn't eaten yet. I'll go with him.'

They both scowled, but said nothing. What had Edward told them?

'Edward will know where we are eating,' Emmett said. 'Maybe we'll see you there. Are you sure you want to stay here?'

I nodded.

'Well, let's go then, Jasper,' he said. When they left, I watched the bathroom door. Why wasn't Edward coming out? I stood up and walked over there. He had locked it. There were scratches on the lock and I remembered Edward saying that it's not hard unlocking it.

I tried it with keys and it actually worked. I slowly opened it, not wanted to cause any loud noises.

Edward was standing in only his jeans and staring at his reflection. I gasped and his eyes landed through the mirror on mine. I can't believe I had forgotten about his bruises. They were a clear blue now. Some had turned green. That must hurt

'What are you looking at?' he asked, but it didn't sound hostile.

'A junkie,' I said.

He stared at me.

'Or are you not?' I asked insecure, giving him the chance to deny, if he wanted to.

He looked away, hiding whatever emotion he had. Eventually he sighed.

'I'll talk if you eat,' he said.

I nodded my head. Whatever. I ran my eyes over his chest, because he had turned. Wow. But the bruises were what my eyes caught the most. Again, I was the reason he was in this condition. It bothered me.

'We could also do something else,' he said. My eyes shot up and he rolled his eyes. He walked past me.

_Ruin the moment, asshole._

I walked back to him and he was looking in the closet, searching for something to wear. I poked a bruise in his side and he flinched and sucked in his breath. He turned around and he was very close to me now.

'That's for being mean,' I said and I went to the bed to sit down and waited. He shook his head.

'T'was just a sex joke,' he murmured.

I looked at him putting on a sweater. I wanted to comment, but I couldn't come up with anything. In less then a few hours I would be home again. It's like time had flew.

'Are you coming yet?' Edward asked. I quickly stood up, because he had already opened the door. I reached the door and waited a second. When I looked up, Edward was looking at me though, waiting.

'Oh,' I murmured, walking out of the door first. He had been waiting for me to go out first. I started walking slowly while Edward was locking the door. I looked down at the floor while I was walking. It was all changed. Everything. My feelings were changed. Edward was changed. Even my feelings for Edward had changed. I felt not that terrible dislike anymore. I hadn't really forgiven him, but it was easier to forget what he had done and said to me.

Maybe changings are good?

He briefly touched my shoulder, getting my attention as he walked towards the stairs. I hadn't even realised that I had stopped walking and was now in front of the elevator. I scowled at myself. I followed Edward and now he was leading the way.

I wondered where we would eat. He would probably watch each bite now.

'You know, this would have been a lot easier if you were able to eat solid food,' Edward said, turning his direction. I just followed and Edward slowed down so he could walk next to me.

I still had no idea where he wanted to go, but a supermarket was the last place I would have thought of. He walked each hall until he stopped. He picked up a small pot and gave it to me. I stared incredulously at the pot, but he was taking a green and a red one as well. The one I was holding was orange.

'Baby food?' I asked. He shrugged. I looked at the mushed carrots. 'I don't want the orange one.' Carrots have a lot of sugar in them. I wanted to put it back, but Edward took it out of my hand and went to pay for it.

'You are eating the orange one,' he said and the a little smile formed on his lips.

He even took a plastic spoon while he was walking to the cassière. She looked at the baby food and then at Edward and me. I looked up at Edward and he was watching me too.

'Is it a boy or a girl?' she asked and Edward immediately got a wicked gleam in his eyes.

_Don't you dare _I warned with my eyes.

'Two girls and a boy,' he said with a smile to the girl. She didn't hide her surprise and I glared at Edward. Now he was smiling at me. 'A triplet.'

_Oh god! Could everything be any worse?_

She turned her attention to me. 'You look a little young,' she said carefully.

'She is,' Edward answered before I could even think of anything to say. 'Not even allowed to...' he shook his head and he was probably thinking of the sex shop. He wanted to laugh out loud, I was sure.

'No, you are _old,_' I said, glaring at him one more time before I hurried out of the supermarket. Maybe I could ditch him if I was fast. But no, he stopped me by my arm and in his other hand he had the three pots and spoon.

'Bella, the opportunity was just great,' he said with a smile. 'Forgive me?' he asked, throwing his arm over my shoulder in a friendly manner. He touched my shoulders and then he placed his whole hand on my arm. 'Give me your hand,' he said. He had stopped walking and extended his hand. I gave mine slowly at him, confused at his sudden changed behaviour and he took it and squeezed my hand. I then realised that his hand felt hot on my cold body. He shook his head, not even making a comment. I was glad he didn't.

'Hold this,' he said and I took the food and spoon from him. He grabbed the back of his sweater and pulled it out. Suddenly I was staring at his naked chest and my vision quickly turned black because he pulled the top over my head. He took the stuff out of my hand and I pulled my arms through the holes. Edward's warmth and scent lingered on it. For the first time I didn't smell cigarettes, just Edward. I held the sweater to myself and the warmth was feeling so great.

Suddenly I realised people around us were whispering and pointing at Edward. Well, his bruises were still visible but his body also looked hot.

_'Such a cute couple.'_

_'Can't believe _he_'s with _her.'

_Oh, my... _I didn't dare to look around me and see who was whispering and how perfect those girls looked like.

_'I mean, look at her...'_

I didn't know where to put my eyes, but somehow they found Edward's. He looked thoughtful and came to stand closer next to me. 'May I?' he whispered. He stepped a little closer to me.

'Do what?' I whispered back, confused.

'Kiss you, of course,' he said, bending down and watching me in the eye. I stopped breathing and his lips were two inches away from mine. I should have said no, but again I said nothing instead. He smiled. 'Is that a yes?' he asked, bringing both of his hands to my cheeks and slowly placing them in my hair. He pulled me closer so my nose was touching his and he smiled.

'No,' I whispered.

His face expression remained the same.

'Alright,' he said and his lips had brushed mine when he had talked. I stopped breathing for a second and I was confused for a second. Something was different. Something had changed. I just couldn't figure out what. 'What are you thinking about?' he asked, releasing my head and tapping my nose with his finger. I then realised what was different.

'You don't smell like cigarettes,' I blurted out. He scowled for a second.

'Would you like me to?' he asked, challenging me with his eyes. I looked surprised when he said that. I hadn't hidden my dislike for cigarettes and yet he still asked if I wanted him to smell like cigarettes.

'No,' I said while shaking my head. 'No, this is better. I mean - this is good, like this. With no cigarette smoke, I mean. This way it's good... or better-'

'Bella, shut up,' Edward interrupted. I felt like a stupid moron, talking to half naked, no smoke smelling, bruised Edward. I dropped my mouth a little, thinking of something to say, even though he had told me to shut up. I felt his lips touch my open ones and before I could push him away, he had already pulled back himself.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that,' he said.

'You got an opportunity, right?' I asked, only half laughing.

'No, Bella, no,' he quickly said. He actually looked bewildered. I slowly started walking again, but he pulled my arm to stop me. 'Bella...' he started.

'What?' I snapped when he was quiet for too long.

He shook his head and he started walking. This time I yanked his arm back.

'You always walk away,' I said despaired. 'Never say what you should say.'

_And what do you care? _A tiny voice asked me.

I didn't have an answer myself and decided that I didn't care. I wouldn't care.

'It's better if I stay quiet,' he said.

'Why?'

'September,' he said with a smile. 'Maybe October.'

I glared at him. 'I don't know what you mean.'

'You have no patience, have you now?' he said, smiling.

I rolled my eyes and started walking again. 'I'm going back.'

'No,' Edward said from behind me. '_We _are.'

'Unimportant detail,' I said, waving my hand. I was glad he couldn't see my face, because I had a smile on it because of my own words.

'Ouch,' he said. I looked at him and he had a look of puzzlement in his eyes.

'Live with it, little boy,' I said sarcastically.

'When did you get all mean and harsh?' he asked, nudging me.

'Three guesses,' I said.

'The kiss?' he asked.

'Strike one,' I said, looking up at him again. He narrowed his eyes.

'The food forcing then?' he asked.

'Strike two, one more and you're out,' I said.

'One more, huh? Since I stuck my finger down your throat then?'

'Strike three. You're out.' I did scowl at his last choice.

'Then what?' he asked.

'Why should I tell you anything?' I asked, turning so I was standing in front of him.

'Take it easy, _little girl_,' he said, turning me and pushing my back so I kept walking.

'Jerk,' I murmured.

He kept pushing me when I would slow down and we reached his hotel room. He immediately opened one of the pots and I turned at the sound to see which one he picked. How ironic, it was the orange one. He put the spoon in it and even looked at the food in disgust himself, when he handed it to me. I looked at the baby food and then back at him.

'I'm not eating that,' I said stubbornly.

'You are eating this. You can either make it easy and eat yourself or you can make it hard on the both of us. Either way, you are eating.'

I started breathing heavier at his stupid words and it was like with each breath it was harder to breath. I tried taking a few calming breaths, but that only made it worse. I didn't like it when he talked like this. In a forceful manner. He pushed the pot in my hand and went to sit on the bed. I slowly followed and sat on the other bed. I didn't care if it was Jasper's or Emmett's. I didn't want to sit next to Edward now. I kicked of my shoes off and sat on my legs while staring at the pot. I turned to see the calories and the whole pot was around 120 calories. I bit my lips nervously.

'Don't you dare, Bella,' Edward said, sitting on the opposite side of me and pulling out the spoon. 'What do you want to know?' he asked. I was staring the the orange stuff on the spoon.

'Huh?' I asked absentmindedly.

'I haven't forgotten about our deal. You eat and I'll talk. Ask me anything. I promise I'll answer them honestly.'

I looked up from the food to look at him and he smiled. 'You do?'

'I promise,' he repeated. I thought about that. He sounded sincere.

'I guess what I really want to know,' I said, pulling up the spoon to my eyes to see the perfect colored orange, 'is if you are a junkie.' I was in time to see him roll his eyes. 'Do you remember?' I asked, putting the spoon back in the pot.

'Do I remember what, angel?' he asked with humor in his eyes, raising his eyebrows quickly once.

'Do you remember this afternoon? What you did and could have done?' He looked surprised and the humor left him. 'To me,' I added, which also added shock on his face. 'You were shaking and your pupils were huge and you raised your fist at me. You were like on another world, at someplace else.'

Edward sighed deeply and dropped his head in his hands. 'God, Bella, I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I didn't know.'

'Jasper said you had never been like that before and that you overdosed? Why?' I asked. He pulled his head up and held out his hands as if to say that I had asked the most ridiculous question. Then, however, he pointed at the food.

'No, first you answer, then I'll eat,' I said.

He shook his head. 'No, we're doing it the other way around. I don't trust you.'

I was really surprised now and he smirked. 'Asshole,' I said, pulling out the spoon. It didn't have any smell and when I put it in my mouth, it was saltless and tasted very awful. I quickly swallowed it, but the taste lingered in my mouth.

'Still fifty bites to go, if all of your bites are that small,' Edward said sarcastically.

'It has a foul taste,' I said. 'Have you ever eaten baby food?'

He rolled his eyes. 'No, but that can be changed quickly.' He took my spoon and put some of the stuff on the spoon and put it in his mouth. I was a little surprised he used the same spoon. He swallowed it, just as he made a face of disgust. 'I don't envy you,' he said. I pulled up one corner of my lips, while I thought about eating this. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard after all.

'I overdosed because you cried after I kissed you and I felt powerless.'

I blinked a few times very fast at his statement. I had guessed it had to do with me, but never had I thought he would answer so honestly like this. I took another bite and didn't breathe when I swallowed it. It made it taste a little better. 'Are you a junkie?'

'Define junkie,' he said a little edgy.

'I don't know. I don't know anything about drugs.'

'Speed, XTC, what is there to know?' he asked with a shrug. I avoided his eyes and just to do something, I took another bite. And then another. With each following bite, it got harder, but I didn't care about Edward and his answers anymore. He had lied about his promise, because he smoothly avoided the questions he didn't like or that were touchy. So I took two more bites and I had finished half of the pot now. All the while I hadn't looked at Edward.

Just as I was about to take another spoonful, he pulled out the pot out of my hands and put it on the nightstand.

'Bella, this is harder than I thought it would be,' he said, not looking me in the eye.

'It's okay, Edward,' I said with a meaningless smile. 'I shouldn't have believed you. It's okay.'

If I said that ten more times, I would believe it myself eventually.

'No, give me a second,' he said with a sigh. 'No, I'm not a junkie. I don't like that term, and even _if_ I am a junkie, I still wouldn't want anyone to call me that. I have tried many things and if I tell you how much, how many times and when I had begun, I'm scared you'll run away.'

He had talked so fast, but the last bit I had heard well. _I'm scared you'll run away. _I wanted to ask him why that would scare him, but first I needed him to know something else.

'I won't run, even if you started when you were nine, have tried every drug there possibly is and did them each hour of the day.' He looked doubtful, but I didn't care. 'Because, why would that scare me? It's not like we're friends or that you have done the most worst thing ever. I'm sure there are people who did worse things than you.' He just stared at me. 'Why does it scare you that I would run away?'

'Do I have to say?' he asked carefully and I narrowed my eyes at him. 'Alright, alright, take it easy. Is the answer acceptable if I say that I truly don't know why it scares me?'

I shrugged. 'If truly...'

'Truly,' he said with a smile. 'What else do you want to know?'

'I want to know about September or October.' His smile dropped and he grimaced.

'Bella, you haven't figured that out?' I shook my head. 'That's when school starts. But maybe you'll be sent to the clinic, so it'll be October. I can't be like this around anyone else. I just can't. Besides, anything could happen when we are back.' He stopped talking and he seriously looked like he was in the need of a cigarette.

'What are you saying, Edward?' I asked.

'I'm saying,' he asked annoyed, 'that it's no more Mister nice guy once we are back. I probably won't be allowed getting near you and when I am, everyone will see me as the bad guy. You still don't realise it, but you are ill and I was the one who should have prevented that. Once that word will spread out, don't you think it will look a little weird if I act nice around you? They'll think I'm faking it. And I can't just change how I have always been like. Even though it's all an act, the rest of the people I know, thinks that is what I really am. God, I need a cigarette. I'm going outside for a second.'

He got off the bed and opened the door, not even closing it as he went downstairs. He didn't return very fast, so I got out to, and I only closed the door behind me. I didn't lock it. I wanted to get on the Internet for a second and I found a room that nobody was using. There was a computer and it had Internet. There was nobody around, so I stayed there with no worries. I went to Google and just entered some random words and I found a website which, ironically, was about adicts.

I read:

_Feelings and emotions are very normal and serve various purposes. Recovering addicts begin to experience a wide array of emotions once the addictive behaviors are arrested. This list is included to assist recovering addicts to identify individual feelings rather than react to a whole jumble of unidentified feelings and emotions._

_Anxiety, good or bad, is the main causes of relapse._

_An addict can go from zero to a gazillion on the anxiety scale in about 3 seconds.. it is helpful to have some assistance when this happens. This is quite normal, but very confusing!_

I was completely lost in the website, and it had written all kinds of emotions. It was nice to read them all. At the end I found a very nice story.

_The Story of Two Wolves_

_The following old parable illustrates the importance of staying in the "solution" rather than focusing too strongly on the problem._

_An older Cherokee man is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves._

_One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, selfishness, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego._

_The other is good. He is love, joy, peace, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith._

_This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person." The grandson thinks about it for a minute and then asks his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"_

_The old Cherokee replies, "The one you feed."_

I liked the story a lot and it made sense. I looked at the time, only to see that I had been here for more that thirty minutes. I closed the website and got back to Edward's room. The door was wide open, but nobody was in. I walked around a little, only to see Jasper walking my way. I waved at him and he had a look of worry in his eyes.

'What happened?' I asked and Jasper smiled uncomfortably, as he got his phone and dialed a number.

'I found her.' He put the phone back in his pocket. 'He didn't say bye,' Jasper said with a smile.

'What's the matter?' I asked.

'We've been searching you for like half an hour,' he replied. He were going back to his room. This couldn't get more ironical. I had been gone for just a few minutes more that thirty minutes. So just as I left the room, Edward had returned. Why would he make a whole searching team in order to find me?

'Damn it, Bella, I thought you had gone to kill yourself,' I heard from behind me.

_That's why._

I turned and quirked an eyebrow.

'Seriously?'

'And you haven't got a damn phone and how the hell am I supposed to know what's running through your crazy mind?'

'Hey, calm down, Edward,' Jasper said.

'Don't tell me what to fucking do, Jasper,' he said. Jasper gave him a packet with cigarettes. First Edward looked even more annoyed, but he grabbed the packet and left the hotel room.

'Don't mine him, Bella,' Jasper said softly. I tried to smile at him, but failed hard. 'Can I ask a question? Why is there baby food on the nightstand?'

'Edward bought it for me,' I said.

'Did he consider normal food?'

'Yes.'

I went back to sit on Edward's bed and finish the rest of the food. I don't know why, maybe I was hungry. Jasper sat down on his bed, sometimes watching me.

'So where were you?' he asked.

'Just a few doors away from here. I found a computer with Internet.' I put the empty pot back on the table and Jasper held up the two other pots. I sighed and picked the green one and he tossed it at me. It landed on my lap and I opened this one, only to discover it tasted fouler than the orange one. All the poor babies had to eat this.

'You look like you're eating mud or something,' Jasper said.

'You have no idea,' I muttered, finishing this pot as well. There, now Edward couldn't nag about me not eating. And Jasper had seen himself.

'Can I ask another question?'

'Sure.'

'Why are you wearing Edward's sweater and why isn't he wearing any?'

'He gave his to me,' I answered a little uncomfortable. 'I was a little cold.'

'What cast have you put on him?' he asked, smiling while shaking his head. 'It's like everything you say, is about anyone but Edward. I wouldn't have believed it if you didn't look so reliable.'

'Thanks, I guess,' I said with a scowl and a small smile. 'Do you think he's really mad at me?'

'No, not even a little. Trust me about that.' For some reason I did. 'Edward has a very confusing mind, but some things are just obvious.'

'About Edward?' I asked. Or did he mean things in general? He nodded his head. 'Like what?'

'Like how much he loves you,' he replied with a kind smile.

* * *

Whoaaa Jasper! Sorry about the short chapter.

I used a few words sometimes of which I'm not even sure if they are English, like halls (when they walk in the supermarket) and I hope it was all understandeble.

I want to say something about the last chapter:

When I wrote that chapter, I had _just _finished the novel Go Ask Alice by Anonymous, the diary of a real addicted girl. There's where my inspiration had come from. And I saw that the title of the Diary was actually of that song that I have added in the previous chapter. This is explained on Wikipedia:

The title is from the lyrics to the Jefferson Airplane song "White Rabbit". Grace Slick wrote the song based on perceived drug references in the classic novel _Alice In Wonderland_. (On July 14 [page 36 of the 2006 edition], the writer says she "feel[s] like Alice in Wonderland" and "maybe Lewis G. Caroll [_sic_] was on drugs too.")

So it's like Alice in Alice in Wonderlands goes to another world when she takes a pill, and that happens to an addict too. Quite funny, huh? Alice is an addict, hihi. Sorry, it's late so I go crazy again.

Let's see... I had to say a few more things too.

Oeh yes! That website (I have found it today) on which Bella was, is .com/feelings_and_ so you can see if you are interested why Bella (and I) was so absorbed.

And I just have to add this website .com/2009/12/01/cherokee-wisdomtwo-wolves/ it's the same poem, but look at the amazing picture! *claps her hands*

I still have to answer your reviews, and I will! Soon I hope.

**So, are you starting to hate my story yet, or still good =) ?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters.

**A/N: **I get a lot of reviews now. Thank you. I read them all and love them all, keep reviewing :D

I have written this chapter very fast and sometimes, fanficiton doesn't save it well :( So the information goes lost and that is so frustrating!

* * *

**Sent back. Sent away.**

Jasper was joking when he said that Edward loves me. The conversation had come to an end though, because we heard the door open. First Emmett came in, and then Edward followed. I smelled the cigarette smoke and had the inclination to wave with my hand. However, I knew how much that always pissed off smokers, so I put my hands in each other.

Edward came to sit next to me on the bed and threw his arm over me. I inched away from him and quirked an eyebrow. He gave Emmett a look, but Emmett shrugged. Jasper and Emmett got out of the room. Something was wrong. Or set up. He smiled broadly at me.

'Eh, what?' I asked confused.

'Nothing,' he said, shaking his head. 'Actually, I just had a talk with Emmett. Do you want to know what he just said to me?' I waited in anticipation. 'He said you love me,' he said laughingly. 'Really.' He shook his head.

'Funny,' I said dryly, staring straight in front of me. Maybe something was set up by Emmett and Jasper? 'Because Jasper said you love me. They see something that isn't there, huh?'

He didn't answer me anymore and there was an awkward silence. At least, it was awkward for me. 'We're leaving at nine. You've packed already, right?'

'Yes, I have.'

He nodded his head. 'By the way, you have to take a few more pills,' he said, getting up and fetching me a glass of water.

'Oh, yeah. I had forgotten about that.' I stared at those pots.

'Bella,' he said disappointed, 'you have to remember these things for yourself.'

'Yeah, well,' I murmured.

'You can put an alarm on your phone with each pill or whatever. Something so you'll remember.'

I looked at him in mock. 'Maybe you should put an alarm on your phone.'

'And why, Isabella?' he said with a kind smile. I scowled when he used my full name. But I pretended to have a cigarette between my fingers and brought it to my mouth, pretending to be inhaling. 'You want a cigarette?' He looked surprised and I didn't understand. Was he really that stupid? His face was a perfect act of surprise. Act!

No, he wasn't stupid. I was. I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. He stopped it in time and managed to keep the glass with water straight. 'Stupid actor.'

'Perfect actor, if you please?' he said with a smile, putting the pillow on my lap.

'A perfect actor wouldn't need anything in any form of drugs and would be himself instead of something else,' I said, holding in my smile when I saw his annoyed look. 'Hit a soft spot, didn't I?'

'Take your pills, sicko,' he said, giving me the pills and water. I glared at him and he smiled smugly. 'Hit a soft spot?' I rolled my eyes. I stood on the bed and now I was the taller one. I quickly took the pills and put the glass on the bed.

'Very original,' I said sarcastically. 'Don't call me sicko, sicko,' I said, pushing him with my finger on his shoulder.

'Then what should I call you?' he asked.

'Nothing, because this is the last you'll see of me, Bella Swan,' I said, twirling around the bed and jumping of on the other side.

'What does that mean?' he demanded, gripping my shoulders tightly. Had he run to the other side? He was really fast. I scowled at him, but that only made him more demanding. 'Bella, I swear to God, if you kill yourself, I'll kill you.'

'That makes no sense,' I said with a smile. I tried to get out of his grip, but he wasn't letting me go.

'Bella, this is not the last I'll see of you,' he said in a loud voice.

'You said so yourself,' I said confused. 'I mean, I'd rather not be around you when you are you again.'

He visibly relaxed and pulled me into his embrace. 'That's what you meant?' he murmured in my hair.

'You are unfollowable,' I said. First he was demanding, then he said he would kill me if I killed myself and then he embraced me.

'You are Bella,' he replied.

See what I mean?

'Could you let go of my now?' I asked slowly.

'Sure, Bella,' he said and he eyed me after he let go of me.

'Maybe we should go?' I asked, getting nervous from his staring. He nodded his head. 'I'll get my things.' I took my keys and looked back one more time to see him still staring. I hurried out and went to my room. I took my small suitcase and walked out. Edward was already standing there with his. 'Where are your brothers?'

'Beat me,' he answered.

'Alice?' I asked.

'You tell me,' he said with a shrug.

'Jeez, what do you know?' I said with a roll of my eyes.

'I know where you are,' he said.

'As if that matters,' I muttered.

'It's enough,' he answered and I looked up to see if he was serious. He pointed at the elevator. 'One last time?' I nodded my head quickly. I couldn't see anything on his face. No emotion, but then he looked at me and smiled.

'Ladies,' he said, holding his palm up. I scowled as I got in the elevator. Edward had changed even more now.

'It's ridiculous to leave in the evening, don't you think?' I asked, stepping out of the elevator for the last time, but stopping halfway. There were already many people waiting and when they saw me with Edward, they stopped talking.

There was a deadly, awkward silence.

'A little,' he said. 'You don't like the attention. You are probably the first girl who doesn't like attention.'

'What's there to like?' I hissed. Edward pushed me a little and lucky for me, we went outside. However, once we were outside, I'd have rather been naked inside with the rest. Tanya and Jessica were escorted with the police to the hotel. They probably still had to pack their things and when they were close to us, I grabbed Edward's arm in panic. The girls had already seen us, but they ignored me and Edward and went inside.

'It usually brings you nothing, but discomfort, awkwardness and embarrassment,' I said in a monotone voice, referring to the attention. 'I'm sorry,' I said, letting go of him. Had I crushed his arm?

'Ah, Bella, I'm sorry,' he said. I guess he was showing compassion. He was looking at the police and the girls trough the door. 'Would you like me to ask the police about the situation?' I thought about that, but I didn't really want to know what their punishment had been or would be. It wouldn't really matter, because the decisions had already been made and there was nothing I could change, in case I didn't agree to the punishment.

'No, thanks,' I muttered.

'I'll ask them anyway,' he said and he went back in. I stared at his back as he walked back up by the stairs.

I was suddenly very aware of the clothes I was wearing. Nothing of it was mine, except for my bra. How would I give the clothes back? I should have thought about this sooner.

'They got both forty hours of community service, can you believe it?'

Edward had appeared in front of me and I hadn't even seen him coming. 'Edward, I still got your clothes.'

'That's like the easiest way out!' he continued as if he hadn't even heard me.

'Edward, I still-' I started.

'I know you might think it's unfair, hell I think it's fucking-'

'Edward! Shut up!' I nearly screamed and he looked surprised. 'Just shut up, will you?' I tried to say in a calm voice. 'Listen, what am I going to do with this?' I asked, lifting my arms and gesturing his clothes. He momentarily looked confused, but then he looked at me better and acknowledged the clothes.

'Bella,' he started. He smirked before he continued. 'That's your worry?'

'It's no worry, I just don't want anything from you,' I said annoyed, because he wasn't coming with any ideas so I could give the clothes back.

'Take my clothes off then,' he said, watching me with a raised eyebrow.

'Now? Could you come up with something a little better than that?' I asked sarcastically.

'What do you want me to do? You act as if I know everything.'

He had me there and I didn't say anything after that anymore. He was so unreasonable. And annoying. I crossed my arms, but no ideas came up.

'Keep them,' he said once the other students came out.

'No,' I replied. I wasn't going to keep any thing anymore from Edward. He sighed. 'You have given me enough, don't you think?' I asked slowly and also a little guilty. He had spent also money on me when it wasn't even necessary.

'I suppose that is a matter of opinion,' he said.

'Oh, no, now you are trying to play smart, aren't you?' We walked to the airport, which wasn't very far. We were walking on the front and all I did was not looking back. 'Do you know all these people?' I whispered at him. He looked back.

'A few,' he said to me.

We had reached the airport, and got in. Edward had brought my baggage away.

'Alice needs your advice,' he said after he was back.

'On what?' I asked.

'On what to bring to a holiday. She had two baggages and they were both bigger than yours.' He rolled his eyes.

'You love her,' I said, and then smiled at his surprised face. 'She's your sister, Edward. And she still... has hope in you.' After I said that, I scowled myself, but the few words that Alice and I had shared, had made me believe that. I just thought that I had forgotten about that. It's strange how you remember some conversation until the detail when you are having another conversation, even if it is months later.

'I'm adopted,' he said. 'I'm not really her brother.'

I snorted. 'You believe that for yourself? You are an total dick and she still speaks kindly of you. Convince that to yourself, Edward, because she so is your sister and you are so her brother.'

'You're cute when you try to be convincing,' he whispered from behind me in my ear. I turned to give him a glare, but he pulled out my ticket out of my hand. 'I'm sitting next to you, what a coincidence,' he said cheerfully.

'First,' I said, taking my ticket back. 'Don't say I'm cute and second, I'm sure it's not a coincidence. Not twice.' I looked at him suspiciously.

'The first time I switched with Jessica's ticket.'

'Why?' I asked confused. We sat down and this time we had normal seats somewhere in the middle of the airplane. He let me sit next to the window side.

'Because I had to do something that I regret deeply now.'

'Oh, yeah?' I asked. I waited. 'Well, what's it?'

'Tell you that plan so I could ditch you.'

'Not again,' I said with a roll of my eyes. 'Look, for that I have already forgiven you.'

He grabbed my chin to my big surprise and made me look up at him. 'And not for the rest?'

'No,' I answered automatically.

'You do realise what you are saying, right?' he said. 'You didn't just stop eating because of James, did you?' he asked, as if he had just figured something out.

'What?'

'It was never James. How could I have been that stupid?' He shook his head and finally released my chin. 'Bella, you do realise what this means?'

'What?' I asked again, but this time I wanted an answer.

'You are going to the clinic,' he simply replied.

'No!' I shouted and people looked at us.

'I can't lie to Carlisle,' he said.

'Why not?' I asked despaired. 'You have done it before. Please, Edward, just lie. Lie, it's easy to you. It's like a gift.'

He laughed without humor. 'Bella, you act as if I'm sending you to hell.'

'You are! Can you stop this? You can, Edward, right?'

'I'm not lying for the second time. I already did once, and look what happened. You're skinny, I can feel and see your bones, you're not used to food and you have completely isolated for the past weeks. I thought you were with Mike and the rest, but when I asked them, they said that wasn't so. You count calories. Seriously. Since you are doing that so well, tell me how many have you been eating each day?'

I gaped at him and tried to make up something. When had he noticed that? How much do people usually eat? Isn't it 1500 or something? And he had asked Mike about me?

'1600,' I said.

'You either puked it all out or are lying. Which one is it? The last of course.' He muttered the last part.

His face didn't show any emotion, but I was afraid it would soon.

'You'll be mad at me.'

'No.'

'You already are,' I murmured, playing with my fingers out of nervousness.

'I'm not mad at you Bella,' he said sincere.

'300 then,' I said. 'And it sort of lessened.' Until zero. I didn't look at him when I answered. He put his hand on mine and he stopped my fingers from moving. He then slowly put on my safety belt, each time his hands would brush my hips, arms and shoulders. Was it accidental?

Eventually he finished and looked up at me. He quickly brushed his thumb over my lips and chin and then sat back, putting on his own safety belt. I was a little shocked about the effect he had on me sometimes. Like just now, I had watched him all the time. It was like I had to make sure he wouldn't do anything I didn't like, but at the same time I knew that worry was for nothing. Because my feelings said he wouldn't do anything. At least, not for now.

'Thank you,' I muttered.

'You're welcome,' he replied dryly.

'Could you please lie? For me?' I asked and putting up a big smile.

'No,' he said, watching me as if I had gone mental.

'But-'

'What do you want me to say?' he interrupted me. 'That you have been eating well, doing well and enjoying life? Because, frankly Bella, your body condition shows the opposite.'

He was right. 'Couldn't you have said that a bit sooner?' I asked.

The mean ass had to roll his eyes at my stupidness. 'Very cute,' he said with a smile, patting my arm.

'Don't say that, please,' I said.

'Just stating out a simple fact,' he said with a shrug.

'No fact,' I said, shaking my head.

'See, that's what I mean,' he said, pointing at my face. 'I call that cute.'

'Never mind,' I said, crossing my arm and looking out of the window. I heard his chuckle.

I think it was after midnight now and my eyelids were drooping. I didn't want to sleep though. It's like I did that a lot too recently with Edward around.

'Get some sleep,' he whispered from next to me. I shook my head. He softly brought his fingers to my forehead and brought it down, closing my eyes. I drifted to sleep and I could have sworn his fingers remained a second too long on my lips.

I woke up in a shock with Charlie on my mind. I noticed that Edward had taken off my safety belt.

'Where's the haste?' Edward said sleepily.

'I-eh, I don't think anyone is coming to get me. I didn't tell Charlie how late he should come get me. And I don't want to wake him.' I started to get nervous about where I would have to spend the night.

'You didn't?' Edward asked in shock.

'No!' I said despaired. 'What am I supposed to do?'

'Sleep on the streets,' Edward replied dryly.

Now he changed into a not caring Edward. I even started to bite my fingernails. We would almost land now, right? It felt like we would almost land.

'Bella,' he said, pushing my hand away from my mouth. 'Come to my place. Stop panicking now and sleep. I'll wake you in time, okay? You're not cold are you?' I stared at him and it took me a while to realise what he had been saying. His place. Sleep. Wake. Cold. It was too late to answer him by then, because he had taken my hand and smiled. 'Finally, you're a little warm.'

_That's not my doing, Edward, really, my heart is beating much too fast._

'Really?' I asked in a small voice.

'What's the matter with you?' he asked confused.

'You're just showing a lot of kindness at once,' I said with a shrug.

'You can also sleep on me, if you like,' he said with a grin.

'Huh?' I asked, but he put his arm around me and pushed me closer to him. Then he pushed my head against his side and I stayed like that for a second, before I incredulously asked, 'You want me to sleep on you?'

'Sleep,' he murmured in my hair.

Next time I woke up, we were landing and Edward had put the safety belt on. He also put it off for me when we had landed.

'What time is it?'

'It's four,' he said. 'Do you want me to carry you?' he whispered almost inaudible to me and I looked at him sleepily.

'Not the best plan,' I said with a shake of my head.

'You don't think so?' he asked with a little humor in his eyes.

'No,' I whispered and got up.

Edward was walking behind me. He sometimes put his hand on my back and I didn't think it was really necessary. Sure I was a little tired, but I wouldn't really fall. We stepped out of the airplane and went to get out our baggage.

When we were out where all the parent came to take their children back home, Edward was talking on the phone.

'How late?' he asked. I think he was on the phone with Carlisle. 'Sure. No, it's alright. Yeah, I'll tell Alice and the rest. Okay. Bye.'

He handed me a bag and I took it. I didn't get a chance to look in it, because I heard a familiar car sound and looked up surprised at Edward. I turned to see Charlie's cruiser.

'How did he know?' I asked but then I saw that Edward was holding in laughter. 'You already knew,' I accused.

'You didn't think I had forgotten about you?' he asked with a smile.

'Yes,' I said, but only to be stubborn.

'Impossible,' he whispered and Charlie almost reached us.

'Hi, dad,' I tried as cheerful as I could.

'Bella,' he said and it looked like he wanted to hug me, but then thought the better of it. 'Edward.'

'Chief Swan,' he greeted.

'Don't try to act innocent, Edward. You can ask Carlisle about the actions that will be taken.'

'That's not necessary, dad,' I interrupted. 'No actions will be taken.'

'Bella, this is not something you should worry about. Renee is here.'

'What?' I shrieked and looked at his cruiser. 'She didn't come. But this afternoon she's taking you to... you know.'

I dropped my eyes and felt hearth broken. I had to go away that fast? It's like I was sent away, because I had done something wrong and they didn't want near me.

'Goodbye, Edward,' I said, not looking at him.

'Get well soon,' he said, patting my back. Charlie couldn't see it though, because of the angle he was standing in.

'You too,' I said, looking up.

'No promises are made,' he said. He looked as if he wouldn't give up the cigarettes.

'Then the same goes with me,' I said before walking away.

I stepped into the car, but didn't look back to see Edward. Charlie did some small talk, but stopped soon after I didn't respond. Back home Renee was in bed sleeping. I took my baggage and the bag Edward gave me upstairs and dumped them in the corner of my bedroom. I went to my bed and slept too.

A tear slipped occasionally, all for different reasons. One even dropped for Edward. But maybe that was because I was still in his clothes. I wouldn't admit that soon to anyone.

I woke up a little late, but I didn't think the doctor would mind if I was late.

_Date ?_

_Dear Diary,_

_What am I supposed to do now?_

_Bella_

After a shower, I went downstairs. Renee was having breakfast and Charlie had gone to work. She didn't ask me to eat with her, which I was grateful for.

'I have to be at the hospital at eight thirty. Are you coming?'

Renee ignored me. She didn't even look up at me and I gaped at her. Did she think I was this horrible? On my way out, I hastily brushed away the few tears. What was it with me lately? Everything made me cry. Every insult.

I went to the hospital with my car. At the hospital I waited in the waiting room. I had already seen Dr. Cullen before he saw me and I went over to him.

'Bella, hello,' he said in surprise when I appeared in front of him.

I smiled.

'We have to talk,' he said apologetic.

'That was what I just wanted to say.'

We walked to his office and I sat down on the chair.

'First, my apologies,' he started, also sitting down.

'No, need, doc. Listen, Edward did nothing wrong-'

'He did everything wrong,' Dr. Cullen interrupted me.

I scowled at his hastened judgement. 'What will happen with him?'

'That's not any of your concerns,' he said.

'I want to know. Please,' I added.

He sighed deeply. 'Your father and I had an agreement. Edward agreed to it too. And then he did something behind all of our backs and he didn't do what we asked him to do.'

'Which is, what? Lying? Deceiving me?' I asked angrily.

'Excuse me?' he asked shocked at my rage.

'Edward did something noble, something any decent guy should have done. Instead of pretending, he told me the truth.'

'Bella, you do not know what you are talking about,' he said, but he was clearly confused by my way of thinking.

'Edward told me about you guys wanting him to befriend me. To say stuff about me every week. Tell me, doc, you didn't like it when he did told me about you guys behind your back, did you? Well, do you think I liked it what you all did behind _my _back? Making plans, keeping an eye on me and I don't know what else.'

'Edward agreed to it,' Dr. Cullen repeated.

'You are avoiding my questions,' I said, feeling annoyed but also a little triumph.

He was preparing to take a blood sample from me. I glared at him, but he was looking at the needle. Ass.

'Edward did the right thing,' I continued stubbornly. He looked up at me doubtfully, but leaned against his desk and looked at me.

'Explain,' he said with a motion of his hand.

'He had two choices, right? Do what you wanted from him, or tell me about it. If he did the first, I would have lost all my trust in you, Charlie, Renee and also Edward. He chose the second. Now I have only lost my trust in you, Charlie and Renee.'

His eyebrows shot up. 'Are you saying the only difference is about your trust in Edward, then?'

'Yes, what else did you think?' I asked. 'He does regret it though,' I said with a frown.

'Only because of the consequences,' he said.

'Which are?' I asked.

'He loses his drivers licence for a month, he has to go to therapy for two months and he gets three months of community service. That makes it 55 hours.'

A tiny voice told me about the unfairness in this. I guess it could have been a lot worse, but Tanya and Jessica had only got 40 hours.

'Can I take some blood samples?'

'Can I say no?' I asked sarcastically.

He smiled as he pushed the needle in my arm. I felt it get into the vain and he took the blood.

'I have to go to the clinic,' I said when he finished.

'I heard,' he said casually. 'Can I give you some advice?' I shrugged. 'Comply. As much as you can.'

He left the office and I stared at the door. Was a doctor aloud to say stuff like that? He returned quickly.

'Can I see that too?' he asked, pointing at my wrist. I blushed and gave my hand to him. He cut of the bandage and sighed. Not a good sign, I take it. 'This doesn't have to be bandaged anymore. I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Bye,' I said, getting up.

At home I was alone. I don't know where Renee had left, but I went to sit on the kitchen table. She had left a note. That was her form of communication.

_Bella,_

_We are not going today, but next week or the week that follows after that.  
The doctor said he needed to do some tests.  
You are going to the Kildare Street Clinic.  
For how long, that depends on you.__  
It's in Ireland._

_Renee_

* * *

**A/N: **Haha something went wrong, I saw that I didn't give websites at the previous chapter, I don't know why it didn't copy/paste well. I hope they work now :)

http:/ / www. addictionz. com/feelings_ and_ emotions. htm & http:/ / jimhearthelen. wordpress. com/2009/12/01/cherokee-wisdomtwo-wolves/

The second one has a picture with two wolves, it's currently my background ! :D

Uhm, **about the story**: Don't worry, it's not going to change into boredom and stupid, at least I hope so.

I still am deciding if I should make Bella's experience in the clinic short or tall. So, what I mean is, I don't know if I should _write _a lot about it or not. But I suppose I'll see what happens ;)

I do know a lot about what will happen when she's going back to school ;)

If you are about to review...

THANK YOU =)


	22. Chapter 22

**Not mine.**

**A/N: **I've been really busy! I just started high school (again), just one week it's been now and it's horrible. Well, maybe that's exaggerated, but it's sucking out all of my energy. Blame high school, not me for the late update(s) and spelling mistakes!

* * *

'Everybody take out your agenda and write for 10 Ocotober that you will have a test that you will make with a microscope.'

'No!'

'We already have a test!'

'Sir, that's already next week.'

People were almost screaming through the class room. I heard them.

'Which will give you plenty of time to prepare yourself,' the Biology teacher said. 'For any questions, come to me.'

I pulled out my bottle of water and drank from it. It had become a habit for me to drink water whenever I was uncomfortable or tried killing time.

'Edward, can I be your partner?'

'No, Edward, pick me!'

'Of course he's going to pick me.' The moment I heard _her _voice, I started choking in the water.

Tanya.

I hope nobody heard me coughing.

I had forgotten about her. After one month of pretending and fake-smiling and _eating _I was discharged form the clinic.

But if she's here, so is Jessica.

Do it like your pulling a plaster. Do it quick and the pain will come sharply, but it won't last. Just a few seconds. I took a deep breath while I heard the whole class still discussing and I pulled down the door handle and opened the door.

1.

2.

Keep looking at the teacher.

3.

4.

Okay, maybe a lot of seconds. Why had everybody stopped talking, damn it? What's so interesting.

'Isabella,' the teacher said surprised. I gave him my best smile.

'Hi,' I said cheerfully. 'Could you please sign this? Again, I know,' I said jokily with a roll of my eyes. I gave him the piece of paper. The administration had demanded this time that I should give her the paper with a signature from all of my teachers.

'Of course,' he said hastily. 'How are you doing? I wasn't expecting you so fast.'

'I'm just fine,' I said, putting my hand on his. His head shot up. Maybe I was going a little too far. I clasped my hands together. 'I'll just miss everyone in Ireland,' I said, looking up and pretending to be thinking of it.

'Well, I'm glad to have you back. We'll do our best to get you back to schedule.'

'Thank you,' I said. I took the quickest glance ever and saw a free spot in the back. I would be sitting alone.

'If you mind a lot, could you make this test?'

'Test?' I said. My calmness was fading away.

'Yes, just to see what you already know. These are last years test. Don't fill in what ever you don't know.'

_Oh, my, he's forcing me to hand in a empty sheet._

'Alright,' I said in a very unnatural, strained voice.

'Bella, are you alright?' he whispered.

I smiled and nodded. I took the test.

'You can make it outside of the classroom,' he said. I walked back to the door, gripping hard on the test and opened the door. I closed it soundlessly behind me and found a seat close to the classroom.

_Name: Bella Swan  
Date: 02-10-2010_

**Biology test**

**1. Which of the following is found within mitochondria?**

a) cristae

b) Golgi apparatus

c) endoplasmic reticulum

d) patella

_Pff, what is a mitochondria?_

**2.** **W****hen two bacteria exchange genetic information with each other through direct contact, cell to cell, what is the process called?**

a) transduction

b) conjugation

c) transformation

d) euglena

_I did not know that is possible. I only picked c because it's the only word that sounds English._

**3.** **In DNA, adenine pairs with thymine. But in RNA, what replaces thymine?**

a) nothing - it's still thymine

b) cytosine

c) guanine

d) uracil

_Pick b, the answer is always b._

**4.** **What does a restriction enzyme do?**

a) restricts transcription

b) prevents DNA from replicating

c) unknown

d) cuts DNA at specific sites

_a sounds logical._

**5.** **Mutations in which of the following kinds of genes causes cancer in humans (or so goes the current theory)?**

a) proto-oncogenes

b) junk proto-DNA

c) carcinogens

d) gap genes

_Junk. Haha. Why am I laughing?_

**6.** **What is the scientific name of the fruit fly, an organism much beloved by geneticists everywhere?**

a) Euglena larsonii

b) Neurospora edisonii

c) Drosophila melanogaster

d) Escherischia coli

**7.** **Who used a flask with a curved neck to prove that spontaneous generation did not occur in a broth?**

a) Spallanzani

b) Redi

c) Darwin

d) Pasteur

_Darwin! It has to be Darwin. I know Darwin._

**8.** **What does 'DNA' stand for?**

a) diverse nucleotide agent

b) Don't Nod Again

c) deoxyribonucleic acid

d) Diversified Nucleotide Acid

_Stupid question._

**9.** **What human organ stores concentrated bile, which is needed to digest lipids (including fats)?**

a) liver

b) stomach

c) small intestine

d) gall bladder

_Definitely your stomach._

**10.** **The process of converting a DNA sequence to an mRNA message is called transcription. What is the process of converting an mRNA molecule to a protein (through the mediation of tRNA) called?**

a) replication

b) transcription II

c) transduction

d) translation

_Seriously, all the words are the same. This was just a guess. I might have even made the test alright. Shit, it has a backside! Oh no.._

**11. What is ovulation?**

A fact and a theory, like that people used to be monkeys.

**12. Rabbits, elephants, and squirrels are examples of **_animals**_****.**

**13. ****What element is considered the building block of all the molecules of life?**

Water.

**14. _ is a group of organisms consisting of only one species that live in the same place at the same time and produce offspring.**

_Screw this!_

I filled in 'Planet Earth' and hoped the teacher had some sence of humor. Well, the sentence didn't make any sence, but I really didn't give a shit.

I stood up and opened the door. Suddenly people found it the right time to be quiet. I gave him the paper, but he stopped me and pointed.

'What?' I asked a little annoyed at his vagueness and the test that I just screwed.

'Edward will check the answers.'

'Why?' I asked totally confused.

He sighed. 'I give him to check all the tests when I don't have the time myself, because he's the best student I have seen in years and this might give him bigger access to go to the university.' He had almost whispered and I had leaned forward without even noticing.

'Thank you.' I stood up straight and stopped breathing. I stared in front of me. Hearing Edward's voice did that to me. How lame is that?

'Well, you can go and see how you made the test,' he said, pointing after Edward. I looked back and he had disappeared out of the door.

'Who will mark the test?' I asked slowly.

'He will.'

'He will?' I asked, turning back to him.

'He will,' he said in confirmation.

I reluctantly walked through that door and closed it behind me. Edward was no where to be found. That's just freaking great. I walked around the corner and I found him. He was sitting on the table with my test between his hands and his eyes on the paper. There was only one seat and since he wasn't saying a lot, I sat down.

He took a pen and put a line through almost every question. A line usually indicates you answered a question wrong. Next I saw him writing something down.

'How are you?' I asked, breaking the silent. He kept writing as if he hadn't heard me.

Did he really want to ignore me?

'XTC is fun,' I said cheerfully. He stopped writing abruptly and looked down with an evil glare. We stared at each other for a few more seconds until he sighed and continued writing. 'Sex is even more fun.' This time he didn't flinch. 'But I hardly remember, since I was overdosed with XTC.' His foot slipped from the edge of the table and my test paper landed on the floor. I grabbed it and looked and the whole story he had written. 'You don't have to write an essay.'

I didn't bother reading it and I thought I would die from a hearth attack after I noticed the look he gave me. He took the paper out of my hands and wrote down a big F. I grabbed it back.

'How very nice, thank you,' I said cheerfully. 'Sex is nice too. By the way, do you prefer virgins? I never found out.'

He glared at me.

'I'm not a virgin anymore, so tell me.'

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into some little room. He switched on the lamp.

'Bella. Two question. Are you on drugs?'

'Many,' I said with a big smile.

'Are you a virgin?'

'Virgin, whore, call it what ever you want,' I said, patting his shoulder and turning to open the door. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back to the wall. He grabbed my face and bended down until eyelevel to stare into my eyes.

'Are you lying to me?' he asked very softly.

'You said two question,' I said stubbornly. 'That's three.'

'Oh, but don't you remember? I can be very persuasive.'

'Why are you standing so close?' I asked, dreading if he came any closer.

'Not close enough,' he said. 'Appearantly.'

'I still find you very confusing. I'll scream.'

'You won't,' he said, staring at my lips.

'What makes you think that, Cullen?' I asked with much force in my voice.

'Because the first thing you did since we got alone, was trying to talk to me. And talk about sex. Do want to have have sex? Now?' he asked, tracing his hands very slowly up and down. I stared at him in horror and put my hands on his so he would stop.

'No,' I said.

'Wait, I remember. You like to do it with drugs, right? You want some of those before we start?'

'No!' I nearly screamed. 'I'm a virgin, alright!'

'Are you sure the drugs didn't black out your memory?'

'I never did any drugs,' I said.

I was officially stupid and senseless for messing with Edward. I had been with him for only a few minutes and he had already managed to make me want to cry. He let go of me and it only took me a second before I grabbed the door handle.

'Bella?' he asked softly, putting his hand on my shoulder. 'How have you been doing?'

I froze at that spot and couldn't move or answer him. I shrugged instead.

'Bella, have you been lying to get out of there?'

'How are you doing?' I asked sarcastically. He looked taken aback be my question. 'That's what I thought. And now that I see how you truly are, sorry that I have bothered you with my life.'

'Wait, what is that supposed to mean?' he asked.

'If you can only talk to me like this, in a closet with nobody else, it's better not to talk at all. I'll continue with my life and you do with yours.'

I opened the door and went back to my test. Edward already took it from me and sat back done. I waited a few more seconds, but he didn't get up or write anything anymore.

'We have to discuss this poorly made test,' he said and his face was another mask.

I sighed deeply and sat down on the chair.

'First, you have forgotten to answer question 6. But I can't let you answer it now. All the other multiply choise questions you answered wrong.' He glanced back at the paper. 'An ovulation is what you get on each fourteenth day.'

I scowled.

'What you are so interestingly describing, is probably the evolution. And about the other questions, please learn the right biological terms.' He gave the paper back to me. This time I didn't take it. 'Sorry about the F.'

I rolled my eyes. 'Do I look like I care? I only care about one thing.'

'What?' he eagerly asked.

I smiled devilishly at him. I wasn't going to tell him I was waiting to turn eighteen. Then I could live on my own and not be bothered by parents.

'Bella,' he said with annoyance. I gave him a nod to continue and feeling absolutely triumph. 'You're a bitch.' He looked seriously scary and I stared back in shock.

'Excuse me?' I choked out.

'You are a bitch,' he very slowly said. He narrowed one eye at me and we held a staring competition.

'Then why did you give me that stuff after we got back to the airport?' I asked suspiciously.

'You mean a five dollar shirt with a cheap knife, a stolen pepper spray and fake Victoria's secret?'

'But...' I asked totally confused. 'This isn't real. You said.' I looked up at him. 'You said that.'

'What?' he asked in annoyance.

'You know, the whole thing. The October or September thing. You told me not to believe you.'

'It was all part of the act,' he said.

'No,' I said.

'And now at least I still have my car.' I heard the sound of keys and found the sound coming out of Edward's hand. He showed me the keys in his hand. Car keys.

'You...?' I couldn't finish.

'Lied to you for a car? Basically. Look at the bright side.'

I stared at him, but he had stopped talking. 'Which one?' I asked.

'You're back here and not in the clinic,' he said with a shrug.

'That's shady, not bright.'

'Oh, yeah. It is.'

He took the paper with the F and walked back to the classroom, not checking if I was following. I went to the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror. Pure repulsion and horror. That's what I saw. That's what is staring back at me. Just gross. Slowly I walked back to the classroom.

'Bella, where were you?' Edward asked angrily.

'Yes, Bella, where were you?' Tanya asked too with a smirk, sitting horribly close next to Edward.

'Kids, I'll be asking the question,' the teacher said. 'Bella, where were you?'

'I just had to go to the toilet, didn't Edward tell you?' I asked sweetly.

'Edward, I expect you to give me information about these kinds of things.'

I turned and smiled at Edward. 'Yes, sir,' he said while looking at me. I thing he was angry at me. But I kept smiling at him as I walked to my seat in the back.

_You want a bitch. You get a bitch._

After I sat down, I remembered a few days earlier.

_'I'm fine. I have never felt better. I do realise my mistakes and I shall never go there again. Anorexia kills people and I will not be a victim.'_

_'Bella, I am proud of you to say so. Really proud. I have a lot of hope in you and I hope I will not see you again.'_

_I smiled at her joke. 'And I hope so too,' I said, shaking her hand for the last time._

These clinics make me such a great liar.


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters (and title of this chap, which BTW is very suitable for this chap. Curious? Read on ;) ).

**A/N: **It's been a month, even more. I realise that we're far in the story and I might make errors and make mistakes. Tell me about them, if you find them. Thanks.

* * *

**I'd never given much thought to how I would die**

_11 October 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_My weight is dropping fast, but it's still high. I won't tell you how high it is, it's too shocking._

_Today sucked. I had to join the stupid test. Edward didn't even have to make it. He was assisting the teacher. He had helped everyone, giving them tips. Then, when he reached me, he looked at my sheet and said: 'Isabella, it would be smart to write your name on that sheet. Then we know for sure that we have to give you an F, instead to think we might have lost your test and you'll have to do it over again. It would save us all a lot of waisted time.'_

_That sucked, saying I am a waist of time. Eventually, I didn't write my name. Then, after helping a few others, he went to Tanya and openly helped her. Practically making __the test for her. I left the classroom fast, so Edward wouldn't make a comment about the empty sheet I left him._

___12 October 2010_

___Dear Diary,_

___'You're fat,' Tanya said to me today. I know, I wanted to reply. I know well enough!_

___I had an F. She had an A, bragging about it. She saw my grade and laughed. 'That's not so well, is it? Ha- ha- fat Anna girl has a F.'_

___Like I care. I suck at everything. I think I even suck at losing weight now, since it hasn't dropped since yesterday._

___Why did she call me Anna, is what I wonder. Does it have a meaning?_

___Bella_

___15 October 2010_

___Dear Diary,_

___Finally, no three numbers on the calculator anymore! 99 pounds. Still high, but much better that 100+._

___Edward is making my life a nightmare. Yes, he still is. It like he's the teacher now. Everyday making comments about my mistakes. Everyday being sweet to Tanya._

___The way he was sweet to me._

_I will never trust that guy again._

_If you excuse me, I have to go purge._

_Bella_

_18 October 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I like Angela. She's nice and I can talk to her. But Alice joined me at lunch. She talked about her family, giving many explanation about their behaviour. I wasn't listening. I didn't care. After she left, Angela rolled her eyes and I laughed._

_'Look, the troll is laughing. She really thinks she's something.'_

_I didn't knew who said it, but I had ignored it, and so had Angela, thank God._

_But even though I had ignored it, didn't mean I forgot it._

_Bella_

_22 October 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_94 lbs._

_G_

_R_

_O_

_S_

_S_

_I cried after school. Edward gave Tanya a kiss on the cheek before school started and then she whispered something in his ear and next thing I knew, he wasn't at Biology._

_Guess what they were doing?_

_It's like I see him everywhere now._

_Today Jasper came to me after school. He said that everything would be different._

_He actually promised._

_Last time someone promised me something, that person ended up breaking it._

_Besides, what did Jasper mean? Different good, or maybe bad? To whom was he referring? Me? Edward?_

_Anyway, he actually patted my back and went to the silver volvo. Edward was in the drivers seat, first looking at Jasper and once he got in, he looked at me. __More like glared. Then he started the car and I had to get the hell out of the way, or he would have run me over._

_I wonder if he really would have driven over me, if I had not gotten out of the way._

_Bella_

_25 October 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_After Biology, I called in sick._

_The gorgeous looking boy, named Edward, makes every Biology lesson a hell, embarrassing me with all the mistakes I make._

_But today he did not, to my great luck. No. To my worst nightmare, he came to sit next to me and whispered things. I think it went like this: 'You really are fucking with Jasper, Alice and Emmett. They are all talking about you. They don't know you and yet you're all they got in mind. Stay away from them. I know your kind. You try to get them close to you, so you're safe. Like you actually think I'll murder you.'_

_Yes. He had said the scary word murder. It would have been hilarious, all the things he said, and I would have laughed, if he hadn't sound so deadly serious._

_I am getting cold chills from it right now, even though most bits didn't make any sense._

_So now you understand why I called in sick after Biology._

_Because Edward scared me. And I needed to be somewhere safe._

_Bella_

_29 October 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm not going to make school. I have no A's. I have no B's. I have 1 C. I have 1 D. I have 2 E's. And too many F's. Maybe I shouldn't go anymore. There is nothing there for me anymore. But that would be too noticeable, also my dad would tell Renee and I was not in the mood for her._

_OH!_

_Edward and Tanya are so dating. Definitely._

_They are with each other all the time. And when Edward is not around, Tanya isn't either. It's terrible._

_It hurts me._

_Why does it hurt me?_

_What do I care?_

_Bitch, you must care for you weight and weight alone! Nothing else, just the scales saying 85, 80, 75 lbs!_

_Bitch_

_shit, I mean:_

_Bella_

It was November, and even though I was already finished for the day, the teachers had asked me to stay. So I was currently sitting on the chair, next to Edward, waiting for the teachers to get me. _Why the hell was Edward also here?_

'Isabella?' someone said. I looked up and thought to myself that this had to be the principal. He was tall, had Harry Potter glasses and a friendly looking face. One that a naïve girl would easily trust. I stood up and walked to his office, sitting down. I sat down and Edward sat on the chair next to me. The principal sat on his seat, behind his computer and with a big document in front of him.

'The grades you have now, aren't enough. You must study harder to pass. The teachers have all the faith in you.'

'They do?' I asked, scowling.

'Yes,' he said sincerely. 'It will only take you a little more time to study.'

I nodded, but I was confused about to confidence the teachers had. I sort of sucked in school. My highest grade was 1 lousy C. I bet stupid Jessica had higher grades.

'Edward,' he started.

'Yes, sir?'

_Yes, sir, _I mimicked in my head.

'I only need Mr. Banners opinion about Isabella, and add that to the document,' he said, getting up. 'It's best to get it now. You wait here,' he said to me. I was only able to stare.

And after they left and they still hadn't returned after thirty minutes, I got bored. So bored, that I picked the document and opened it.

Which was my biggest mistake. What I saw, made me want to cry. It just hurts to read this when you had _just_ heard the opposite.

**English: **The girl has no good pronunciation. Her spelling and grammar are poor and I wonder how she made it this far. She has failed in English in every way.

_Asshole! He doesn't even get my name right and says everything about me sucks. That's just low.  
_  
**Spanish: **She does not speak Spanish and the only reason I can come up with, is because she never had the lessons. Her name may be Italian, but she is either drained of the Italian and Spanish blood or is plain stupid.

_Oh. My. God. _That_'s what calls himself a teacher?_

**Mathematics: **She can not count. She can not do math. She will fail.

_Thank for clearing that up._

**Physics: **No good for this school. Knows nothing.

_Where are the nice comments?_

**Science: **When you do not know at how many degrees water boils, you fail my class. In this case, it's Isabella Swan.

_That's a filthy lie._

**Gym: **Not such an athlete.

_That's true._

**Biology:**

I closed the damn thing, furious at the principal for lying. But I decided not to let it show. I will lie too, since this whole school is full with a bunch of liars.

The door behind me opened and the Principal started.

'You are doing Biology very well and-' I didn't here the rest. All I was hearing was bla blaand when that mouth stopped moving I smiled.

'Thank you so much, I'll take the advise. Bye.' I got up and walked out of the office. I noticed Edward's strange stare he gave me, but that didn't stop me from my fast pace.

On Wednesday, I was going to English again. I opened the door, because I was a little late and it was like the man had a sixth sence, because the door wasn't even open yet, and he had begun.

'Isobel, I can not make expectations for you anymore!'

_Anymore?_

I walked through the class, trying to find a place to sit. Edward sat next to Jessica and Tanya looked pissed off. Maybe she wanted to sit next to Edward?

Oh wait. I just realised that was the only seat untaken.

_No!_

'You will be on time for my classes or you may as well not come at all!' he screamed.

_The girl has no good pronunciation. Her spelling and grammar are poor and I wonder how she made it this far. She has failed in English in every way._

I looked around the class, seeing every eye was turned to me. I saw Edward's siblings, scowling at me. Alice gave a little smile and Jasper was looking at the teacher. When he turned, our eyes locked and then I realised that I wasn't the only one that thought this guy was crazy. I found it strange that a school could have so many teachers that sucked at their job.

I thought quickly and turned to him. 'In that case, you don't have to doubt if I'm coming anymore, then,' I said. I walked over to the door. 'Goodbye,' I said and shut the door.

And that was my last English lesson.

Since I wasn't in the mood for my next lesson, I just skipped it. And after that lesson, I had just on more hour, so I decided to just go home then. What was the point in staying for just 1 more hour?

I started the one hour walk, which slowly was taking me one hour and ten minutes. I had to walk faster.

_4 November 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Finally some of that fat is gone. But there's still too much. Didn't see Edward today. So this is my best day of the week so far._

_Bella_

_8 November 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today we had again those 2 awful hours at Biology. I hate Mondays for that. Edward is with Tanya or something, I don't know. I'm confused about it and I hate myself. I hope she'll fail school. And I can't hope that for Edward, since he's some sort of an Einstein and even if he wasn't, he could persuideeach woman teachers withhis looks en the men withhis smart mouth._

_*sigh*_

_Yes, Edward has the looks and that's the only reason why I (sometimes) can't keep my eyes off of him..._

_But then I remember all that he has done to me and that usually works to stop looking at him._

_Bella_

I closed my diary, which was filling up. I think I needed to buy another one. It's comforting to have something on which I can put my thoughts in. Kind of like Dumbledore, where he put his thoughts in that pot, so he'll have less on his mind. That's what a diary is like to me. It was a long time since I had read Harry Potter, but I absolutely loved it.

The next day, Tuesday, the principal wanted to talk to me again.

'Bella, you have missed 2 English tests,' he started. I turned to watch Edward, who was looking at the principal, with a face that held no emotion.

'So?' I challenged. _Oh, please don't suspend me, _the chicken in me thought.

'Were you sick those days?' he asked. 'Because everybody has to make all the test.'

'Yes,' I slowly said. Hadn't teacher English told him that I wasn't going to class anymore?

'Well,' he sighed. 'It's best if you don't fail English, so you should probably make them now. Edward,' he said, handing him over the papers. I scowled at the both of them.

_Why hadn't Edward told him that I had skipped English?_

'You can make them now,' he said again. I got up and followed Edward. He looked into a classroom and then opened the door. It was empty.

And he waited for me to go in first. I rolled my eyes so he could see.

I took a seat on the right side of the room, close to the door.

'Two weeks ago, I put off my anger on you,' Edward began. 'I shouldn't have said that.'

I only remembered too well what he had said. 'To what are you exactly referring?' I asked. 'I'm a little confused.' I feigned confusion. 'Where you accused me of imaginary things, things that never happened, or when you tried driving over me with you stupid silver car.' I grimaced and waited for him to answer me.

'I-' he began and stopped. 'The confusion is not necessary,' he said, sitting behind me on the table. 'I was referringto both. By the way, it a Volvo.'

I groaned. 'Ugh, only you could remember the car part. It was an unimportant detail.' And I rolled my eyes.

Edward gave me the test and it was all spelling. I answered all of them on my feelings and finished fast. When I turned, Edward was watching my test from behind me, where he was still sitting on the table, with narrowed eyes, trying to see what I had written down. Then he looked up and our eyes locked for a second, but I quickly turned and grabbed my test and gave it to him.

He didn't take it but looked at it again.

'Teacher,' I said, slightly mocking him. He looked up and this times our eyes locked longer, but I dropped them as fast as I could manage.

'This is more like a punishment,' he answered and I rolled my eyes again.

'Yeah, if I were you, I would consider it a punishment too to be forced to be around me,' I said. I held up the paper higher, but he was looking at me.

'Wasn't what I meant,' he said. I wanted to ask what he meant, but he said, 'add a t at the first word,' he said.

'What?' I asked confused.

He just looked at me and waited. I dropped my eyes at the paper and saw that I had written 'writen'. I quickly added a small t. I knew that one, but... had done it wrong anyhow.

'Necessary with two s's,' he said from behind me. I scowled and wondered why he was helping me.

'Do you get more punishments if I get low grades?' I asked, adding an s. I turned and gave him the paper.

He took the seat next to me and leaned in closer. I was trapped between him and the wall. Behind me and in front of me were tables. I looked back at him and he looked calm. 'Embarressment,' he said slowly.

I looked back at the paper so I wouldn't have to look at him. Yeah, that's what I was feeling right now. 'Add an s,' he said. I took my pen and quickly wrote it down. 'Scrape one f at professional.'

God. God. God. So many mistakes.

'Doctor with a capital,' he continued.

I put the tip of my pen on the paper, but then scowled. 'Really?'

'Practises, with an s,' he said. I quickly changed doctor into Doctor and wrote down practises.

'I thought it was with an c,' I muttered.

When I looked up, he was watching me. 'I know you did,' he said. 'That's a little difference with the UK English and the US English. If you had been in the UK, your answer would have been correct.'

'I guess I'll have to change it then, since we're in the US,' I said.

He didn't say anything again and it made me look up again. I took my paper and held it up again. 'Accommodate, 2 c's and 2 m's.'

I sighed loudly and he chuckled. Then I glared at him. He raised his eyebrows, still with a chuckle on his face.

'I see that... my ignorance,' I glanced up for a second, seeing his reaction, but it remained the same, 'still humours you. Even though it first annoyed you.'

'That's not what's so funny,' he said.

'Something is,' I said.

'Try finding out,' he said with a smirk.

'That's like telling me to get an A for this test,' I said, holding it up.

I scratched my word and wrote it down with a double c and m.

'Anything else, _sir_?' I asked.

'Yes, there is,' he said. 'Shakespeare.'

He put another paper in front of me. It seemed like you had to write the right sentences of Shakespeare.

Common mistake: The rest is science. What is the correct sentence?

'It's form Hamlet,' Edward said. 'It's silence, not science.'

I slowly wrote it down, wondering what was exactly the point in getting a good grade if the rest sucked.

Common mistake: A rose by any other name smells just as sweet. What is the correct sentence?

'Romeo and Juliet,' I said.

'You know it?' he asked. I nodded.

I wrote down _What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet._

'It's right like this, yes?' I asked and he nodded. 'You didn't even look,' I accused.

'It's right, Isabella,' he said.

He knows my name, why does he have to say Isabella?

'I prefer if you'd call me Bella,' I said fake cheerfully.

He smiled too, faking it. 'And I prefer Isabella. I'll go with my preference.'

I stopped the discussion, since it had no use. I read the following question, which I knew! I had just read that book so many times, that I had memorized the best parts.

Common mistake: 'Romeo, Romeo, where are you, Romeo?' What is the correct sentence?

I wrote down, Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou, Romeo?

What does it mean?

Why are you Romeo? Julliet is reffering to why he is a Montague and, therefor, an enemy of her family.

'That's your best answer you've had,' Edward said.

I gave him the paper, because that was the last question and smirked. He took both of the papers. I saw him scraping off the extra l that I had put in Juliet. He scraped off the f and added an r in referring. And then I blushed and dropped my head.

I couldn't do anything right.

'I can go, right?' I asked, not even sure anymore if I was allowed to go. 'I'm done, so...'

'After I gave this to the English teacher,' he replied.

I rolled my eyes, remembering the loud guy that called me Isobel.

He wrote down with a black pen an A+ on both papers. I looked at both of the A's, wondering if I had just really gotten my first 2 A's. I would have figured that I had a C, maybe a B.

'I can also give it tomorrow,' he said, shrugging. 'Doesn't really matter.'

'Huh,' I said, looking up when he had talked.

He shook his head. 'You're really flunking high school, aren't you?'

I forgot about my first A's. I hadn't made the test. I hadn't earned them. The A's were his, not mine.

'I don't really care,' I said. 'Can I go?'

I didn't want to be around him anymore. I was much to aware of his relationship with Tanya. He couldn't care about me, if he was with the bitch.

'Then why did you change your answers?' he asked, wondering. I glared at him, feeling betrayed about everything. He had been the most confusion person in my life, and now he couldn't answer my simple question. If I could please go home!

'I don't know! Can't I go _now_?'

His eyes held some mock, I was sure of that. 'You don't make any sense anymore, Isabella,' he said.

And when he said _that _and ignored my question again _and _called me Isabella, my hand flew to his right cheek and I slapped him. All of my anger and the betrayal I felt, was in that slap. His head went to the left and he slowly brought it back to my side, so he could look at me.

'I'm going,' I murmured, getting up. He didn't get up, so I was still trapped.

'Are you crazy?' he said, getting up too, having the advantage of his height to scare me. Again. 'Would you like my to hurt you physically too? Please tell me if you do,' he said, trailing off. 'I just helped you and this is how you thank me,' he said, pointing at his cheek, which was reddening.

Again, I felt like he felt that I was taking advantage of him, which was absolutely not true. I sat on the table and threw my feet over it and jumped off on the other side. Then I grabbed the two sheets out of his hand and ripped it in two. 'I am,' I began, ripping it in four, 'not,' eight pieces, sixteen pieces, 'Tanya,' I ended and went to the bin and threw the ripped paper in it. 'I don't do thank you sex.'

'God, you really are crazy,' he said, getting up. I wanted to get away, so I practically ran to the door, but so did Edward, because he had appeared in front of the door, leaning on it. 'What was that supposed to mean?'

'It means I want you out of my life, I want Tanya out of my life, I don't want to ever see you again, I've seen enough of you and her together. I can't stand it anymore and I'm leaving this town, this stupid school, just so I won't see you again, just so I don't have to hear your insults, day after day. So I don't have to be scared of you anymore. Can. I. Go. Now?' He was staring at me and shook his head, slowly.

'Please,' I croaked out, a tear slipping from the corner of my eye. I dried it off roughly with the back of my hand and glared at Edward, somehow finding anger towards him behind the fear.

'No,' he said slowly, walking closer to me.

'No,' I said too, putting my hands in front of me and stepping back. I didn't want him anywhere near me. He stopped walking and looked at my hands in confusion.

'Are you scared of me?' he asked, serious.

'No,' I said quickly. He looked astonished.

'Isabella, I want you to be anything but be scared of me,' he said.

My best friend found me again.

Sarcasm.

'I guess that's not your call! You can't force me not to be scared, but I'm kinda used to it now. That's what you get after a while. Now I have to go!'

He quickly stepped back with his back against the door.

'I'll jump out of the damn window!' I said exasperated. 'Go have sex with Tanya, but don't fuck with me!'

And I had sweared, yet again. How bad of me.

I found some courage to walk forward and yanking at the door handle. 'Bella...' Edward said from next to me, but enough was enough! I didn't turn to look at him, but went straight home.

Which, this time, took my an hour and fifteen minutes. I was getting slower with each day, to my biggest irritation.

_9 November 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've slept in, it's a wonderful feeling. I'm not going to school today. It's embarrassing enough after yesterday with Edward. I'll just sleep for the rest of the day..._

_Night._

_Bella_

_15 November 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've had skipped school for the past week, but today I went to school again._

_Yes, with those same 2 hours of Biology. Today, Edward was different though. He didn't look like he was in the mood himself for that day. So I silently was laughing, because he wasn't feeling well._

_How mean am I :D_

_Bella_

_16 November 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_The principal told me that Edward had told him that I had refused to make the test, so I got 2 F's._

_I just welcomed them to my list of other F's. I don't Edward. He's right. I had made the test and I would have gotten F's, so it's the same as not making them._

_Edward is right about one thing. I'm flunking high school._

_Bella_

_1 December 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've been ignoring you for 2 weeks now_

_Sorry._

_It's December. The month of joy. The month of Christmas. The month of New Year._

_I am currently 88 lbs._

_After I saw Tanya grabbing Edward from behind and starting to giggle like a maniac, the ugly bitch, I went home and purged, all the time thinking of the ugly sight._

_I purged bile and blood._

_Once all that shit was out of me, I lost a pound._

_I should do that more often._

_Bella_

_3 December 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_My head is pounding, my heart is aching, my legs are tired and my feet are soar. The weakness is constantly in my body, forcing me to feel it and making my cry so often these days. I feel so empty, and not because I don't eat. I feel empty, because there's nothing for me to feel anymore._

_Diary. This hurts. Normally, I'm fine. But now I feel like I'm failing myself. I'm not reaching my goal. I want to reach it._

_First I'll reach it._

_And then you can kill me._

_But first let me reach that 80 pound, or less. Don't kill me now. Wait, for just a few more days. I have to reach that goal. Because I have no other choice._

_I hate this miserable life that I'm living._

_But._

_I'm not living. Not really._

_I'm existing._

_I'm here, empty, alone, cold, no, freezing and nobody cares. __I don't think anybody cares about me._

_I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep._

_Night._

_Bella_

The rooster, I mean Jake, woke me up early in the morning. It was Saturday now. Charlie was still asleep. I wore some sports clothes and wore the best shoes that I owned and went outside for a run, though it soon was just walking. The running made me dizzy and I would trip all the time.

I had taken the same path for months now, but today I had run differently, which was the dumbest thing I could have done. I had gone off the path and couldn't find my way back. I tried a road, which looked strange, because the road was like in the middle of the forest. Soon the road stopped and I was lost again.

I had a watch and I had been walking for 4 hours now. It was still morning though, but I was scared as hell, because I had no idea which way to go.

Out of panic, I started running. The panic gave me enough energy to keep it up and not fall flat on my face. I was running and all I could see were trees, and when I thought I was somewhere near a house, it was just my imagination.

At this time I was sprinting and the panic was rising so high. Where was I?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I wanted to be home again. I wanted to be somewhere safe, somewhere I knew. I was out of breath and dropped myself on the ground, adrenaline rush gone and suddenly very tired.

I couldn't stay here, I had to get up, search home! I took off again, taking a sprint and getting desperate.

Please, God, let me be running in the right direction.

I ran past a falling tree, and then there was another. I jumped over that one, impressed by myself for not falling, but soon I thought about home again. I could feel my heath pounding in my chest. It felt strange to feel each pound.

Was that normal?

I stopped for a few seconds. Something was wrong.

And I was being watched. I spun around, only to see Edward looking confused. I was too confused myself to say a word, but Edward recovered fast.

'What are you doing here?' he asked and I sighed, not in annoyance, but for finally, after a few hours, finding a person. I didn't care it was Edward, it was someone who knew the way back and I dropped on my knees and then lay flat on the ground and rested.

Wait.

'You know where people are again, right?' I asked, making sure that he wasn't lost himself.

I lifted my head and pushed myself a little up and looked at him when he wouldn't answer.

'You know, civilization,' I said. 'Please, tell me you're not lost.' I was getting despaired now.

'Let's start again, shall me?' Edward said, getting over to me. For some reason, I quickly got up so I knew for sure he wouldn't do something to me. Edward slowed down the walking. 'Hello, Bella, it's nice to see you.' I quirked my eyebrow. 'How are you and what brought you here?'

'Eh-' I said confused, and Edward crossed his arms, and I could have sworn he was laughing at me.

Internally.

'My legs?' I said confused. I knew that's not what he was referring to, but I didn't know what he in fact _was _referring to.

'Right.' He shook his head in confusion. 'Weird. Let me ask again. What brought you to my place?'

'You're place?' I repeated. I looked around, not seeing a house.

'Yeah, you know, my place. The house where I live.'

'Where you live?' I was wondering if he was alright himself.

'You have no clue what I'm talking about, do you?' he asked.

I looked around once again, mouth hanging a little open and a few memories were coming back. The once that reminded me that Edward had an IQ of a zillion points and mine was under the zero. I wished to know what he was talking about. There really wasn't any house in the neighbourhood.

'Where do you live?' he suddenly asked.

'Well, at the place with the thingy, where the streets are small and scary.'

'Thingy?' Edward said, eyes filling with humour. 'With small and scary streets?' He was deep in thought.

'Eh-' I said, but then stopped thinking and let the relief flood in. I was saved. Who cared Edward was mocking me, I had found someone!

Too bad it wasn't a prince on its white horse.

'If I understand you well, you live at an distance from 30 miles from here and you came what, walking?'

Please, let me dream some more about that prince on the white horse. I can almost see his face and smell the horse, which in my dream, smells good and comforting.

'Bella,' he snapped.

I was thinking the prince had green eyes. 'What?' I asked, seeing Edward's eyes.

No. No, not green. I changed them to blue. With a green shade.

There _must _be green.

_But why?_

Maybe that's my weakness. Greenish eyes.

'What are you daydreaming about?' he asked. I startled and stepped back, because he was suddenly standing in front of me. He rolled his eyes while I was trying to find balance. 'Come on,' he said a little annoyed.

He started to walk to opposite direction and I followed him. But he was walking fast and I couldn't keep up. My hearth was racing and I couldn't breath well. This feeling made me feel weak.

'Slow down, please,' I said in a weak voice. I hated myself at that point. Edward glanced back and stopped walking. I slowly reached him and he walked behind me now, walking in probably a snale's speed for him.

'Look, maybe you should just leave,' I began, even though I didn't want to lose him now and be alone in this forest. 'You walk much faster than I do and I don't see-' I stopped talking when I saw the huge mansion in front of me with big windows and light colors. So open. I gasped at the sight. It was the most beautiful house I had ever seen.

I imagined this to be the house of the prince on the white horse.

Edward pushed me a little, and I quickly continued walking again, since I had stopped that too. We reached the door, but I waited for Edward to unlock it.

'Just open it,' he said from behind me. I peeked behind me and he looked relaxed. I took hold of the doorknob and turned it. The door opened and I slowly stepped in. I didn't know where to go and Edward just walked right past me, leaving me to stand there. Everything looked clean and nice. It was so homey.

I heard Edward's footsteps, but I was absorbed by the house. 'You live here? You are so lucky. Where is the rest of your family?' A glass of water appeared in front of me and I took it from Edward. I didn't give Edward's peculiar look on his face any thought, as I drank it all. And just as I finished the last drop, I tasted the overpowering sweetness of the water.

Water that tastes sweet?

'I added sugar,' Edward said, taking the glass back from me. He went back and this time I followed, thinking hard about how much sugar he had added. One teaspoon should be 10 calories, so what did I just drink, 50 calories? Maybe 100? I was thinking fast, so fast, wondering where I could get that out. Not in their toilet.

'Bella,' Edward said, snapping his fingers in front of me. I looked around surprised. Suddenly we were in the kitchen. He put the glass roughly down. 'Are you doing it again?' he asked.

'Excuse me?' I asked surprised, but then I wondered what the hell he was talking about.

'This?' he said, touching my chin. 'And this?' He touched my collarbone. 'And this?' My arms. 'And this!' he said enraged, touching my abdomen.

_Don't touch my fat, I'm disgusted too!_

'Don't,' I said in a soft voice, even though it was just a soft brush he gave me.

'What, Bella? Point out the truth?'

_I already know I'm fat._

I looked down, feeling like the biggest failure in the world, while standing next to the smartest person I had ever met.

'How are you hiding this so well? When have you become the little expert you are?' he said, slowly taking my hand. It shocked me. I looked up surprised and his face was nothing but anger.

'I'm sorry, but I'm trying hard!' I said, while trying to retrieve my hand back. He just held it tighter. 'Why are you holding my hand! Let go!'

'Trying what?' he snapped. I looked away and he pushed my hand towards him, a little too hard, because I stepped closer to him. 'Bella,' he said, and I looked up, almost crying. Like the weak failure I was. 'Finish what you were saying.'

I shook my head and closed my eyes because tears were being produced by my eyes and it wouldn't stop.

He pushed me again and this time I bounced against him, chest to chest. I gasped at his touch and panicked when his other hand got on my back.

His touch... It was soothing.

How horrible of me. Disgusting. I find comfort in the touch of the person that _touches _Tanya as well.

Nonetheless, I couldn't keep my mouth shut if he was holding me.

'Get thin,' I whispered, and at the same time feel the warm liquid fall down my cheeks, even though my eyes were closed. Breathing was hard for me again. Edward dropped my hand like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. He also let go of my back. He probably thought I was a huge balloon and that I never tried getting thin, but I was busy everyday, eating no more that 200 calories, taking pills and running everyday.

Edward didn't say anything for a while and I didn't dare opening my eyes. My eyes found some strengthand I wasn't crying anymore. I dried off my cheeks with my sleeves and turned and opened my eyes. My back was facing Edward now.

'Come,' he said, almost ignoring what I had just said and that he had just held me. He walked past me and went up. There were many stairs and halfway I walked like a child who had just learned how to walk the stairs. I just couldn't walk to normal way, because my hearth was pounding fast and I was so tired. I lost my breath and didn't want to pant like a dog that had just run after a rabbit when I was next to Edward. He was already up and looked down and I dropped my head, feeling my hair fall in front of my face. I think it took me a minute to reach Edward.

'Over there,' he said, pointing at a door. I slowly walked over there and opened the door. The room could have been part of a hospital. I stood there in the middle of the room, wondering why we were here.

He searched for stuff, putting them all on each other and then he looked at the things he had and then at me. He came over to me with the familiar looking things.

'No,' I said, backing away.

'It's just a needle,' he said, taking off the top so the needle was exposed.

'You aren't sticking that in me,' I said, turning around, going to the door and yanking at the doorhandle, only it was locked. When did he do that? I was locked here? I suddenly realised what I had said. 'Grow up,' I said, turning around. Edward had only a look of humour in his eyes.

'Rather you that Tanya,' he said with a hint in his eyes.

My mouth went open. Edward Cullen didn't just say that. 'You didn't just say that!' I said in shock. 'You can't stay stuff like that to me, Edward! I so hope you are talking about the needle!' I was deadly serious and slightly angry.

He watched me for a second and nodded a little. 'Sorry. I guess you're too young.' He shrugged and this time I gaped at him. 'You know, just a kid.' Suddenly he flashed a smile. 'Of course I'm talking about the needle.'

I ignored his last comment. 'I'm not that young. Practically a woman,' I said and instantly freezing when he was inches away from me with his needle.

'Are you wearing something under your sweater, woman?' Edward asked mockingly.

'Just a top,' I said. And then added, 'perverty pedo.'

'If that's the thought that comforts you...' he said, trailing off. I glared at them. He always knew something to say back.

He put the end of the needle between his teeth and grabbed the end of my sweater and pulled it up. I didn't have the strength, so he pulled it off of my head and my arms. Instantly I was freezing with just my blue top. He then put the elastic around my arm, tightly and tapped my vein.

'Is this legal?' I asked, actually a little scared.

With no warning, he pushed the needle in my arm. 'Fuck,' he muttered. I welcomed the pain. He pulled it out and pushed it again, hitting a vein. This pain was even more welcome. 'No.' He glanced up at me. 'Thrilling, huh?'

'Mhmh,' I just answered, finally having nothing on my mind except pain. Just for a few seconds not thinking about calories.

'You look like you are enjoying this,' he said. I didn't bother making a comment back.

'Are you done?' I asked after he had his 10th tube of blood.

'I'm sorry,' he said sarcastically, pulling out the needle and pressing his thumb on the little whole he had created.

'I think I'll report you,' I said, feeling dizzy.

'Please, do,' he said, rolling his eyes. 'They'll probably take you to a mental hospital. You do realise you are underweight and a little crazy up there?' He tapped my head as he said that. That little touch, though, made my head spin even more and I started falling, but Edward caught me by me elbows.

'I just wanna sleep,' I said desperate. 'Can you please take me home?'

'Just a minute,' he said. He brought me to a chair and put my on it. He put a plaster on the wound and went back to his stuff. He pulled out another needle, but this one contained something in it. I didn't bother asking what. He pushed it in another vein and I felt the cold liquid getting in my arm.

'Brainfreeze,' I muttered.

Edward looked up surprised.

I closed my eyes and a few seconds later, Edward's arms were on the back of my knee and on my back, lifting me up. I wanted to protest, but he began talking. 'How much do you weigh?' he asked kindly.

'None of your damn business,' I said, squirming to get out of his arms.

'Stop moving,' he demanded, but that only made my move more. 'Bella,' he said, bringing his face close to mine and I stared in shock. I also stopped moving. He glanced down quickly. Then he went back to the chair and put me down carefully. 'Was that so hard?' he asked, going back the where he had just been standing with me. I noticed a scale and he stood on it and suddenly I realised what he was doing.

'No!' I said. 'What? No, I can't believe you're taking my weight. God, Edward!' I hit my hand on my head, embarrassed.

Edward didn't respond, his eyes were fixed on the scale. And when he looked up, he looked a little pale. '245 minus 158 is 87,' Edward said, walking towards me, getting on his knees in front of me, and I stared wide eyes. He put his hands on either side of my fatty ribs and stared at me witha open mouth. 'You weigh 87 pounds. 39 kilo's. Jesus Christ. This is not healthy,' he murmured, running his hands over me, as if I had allowed him and it was totally normal of him to do.

I gathered some courage. 'Get your hands off of me, please,' I said. He was shaking his head all the time, as he got up and got another needle. He pulled off the top with his teeth and pushed that one in my arm too and as the world was slowly getting black, I remember him vaguely saying he's sorry.

I don't know how long I had been asleep, but outside, people were screaming.

'She damn well needed it!' someone yelled. 'I didn't do nothing that you wouldn't have done.'

_Shut up._

'You are not a doctor and you are not allowed to do these things! Do you have any idea how bad it is what you did?' I heard a voice I remembered to be my doctor's.

I opened my eyes, trying to see where I was. Not in a hospital, that was for sure. My eyes found the door, which was closed. 'I've a little experience with needles, remember?' Edward said, his voice full of sarcasme.

_Oh, yeah, drugs._

Smack!

That sound was familiar and yet foreign. I was shocked to have had actually heard it.

'Get out!' Carlisle said, his voice full of hate.

I was fully awake now and got up. When all the other voices were gone, I yanked the door open and ran down first and found the door. That one, I yanked open too and I ran very fast, away from all these crazy people! Outside, I noticed I was only wearing my black top and jeans.

I didn't get far, because someone grabbed me and pushed me in a car. The door next to me closed, I tried opening, but it didn't work. I looked who had captured me, and it was Edward.

'Let me out!' I said. Edward started the car and speeded to where ever.

Should I fear my life?

'Edward, if you don't stop now-'

'Shut up, or I'll make you,' Edward threatened.

I shut up and backed away. Maybe being violent was in the family. After a minute I had a little courage again.

'Where are you taking me?'

Edward rolled his eyes.

'Are you going to kill me?' I asked.

'What?' he snapped, looking the most confused I had ever seen him. 'No.'

'Rape me?'

'Don't you know me?' he asked, not taking my questions serious.

'I think you can judge that best for yourself,' I said thoughtful.

'Don't you trust me then?' he asked.

'I don't trust you for even one minute,' I said. 'I have no reason to. And nobody will ever believe a junk, now will they?' I asked. I looked at my arm and pulled off the plaster. The spot was blue, which meant he had hit the vein on both sizes. And it hurt, which also meant he had done the job wrong. He had pushed the needle way too far. 'For a junkie, you sure screwed this up.'

He glanced at my arm and didn't show any signs of doing something wrong.

'Trust me on this one,' he said.

'Like I did before?' I asked sarcastically. 'Trust you. No.'

He stopped the car and miraculously found a cigarette. He got out of the car and lit it on. I wanted to get out too, but the door wouldn't open. Edward was at my doorside now and pointed at the lock. It was closed. I pulled it up in frustration and got out.

'I hate you,' I said, hoping some of my anger would go away this way. For the first time, I saw Edward's left side of his face and there was a red mark and it was even a little blue.

'Don't look,' Edward said, once he saw me gawking. I walked closer to him. 'Stay there.' He was angry and the cigarette wasn't really calming him down.

'Edward...' I said, walking closer. 'Did he hit you?'

He didn't reply. He just smoked and I wrinkled my nose at the smell.

'I didn't mean it, you know,' I started, getting his attention. 'I don't hate you. You're you and I guess I can't blame you for that.' I was close enough now and touched his cheek. It was burning. For a few second I could forget he's a drug doing smoker that's doing Tanya. For now I see him as a wounded boy. Wounded by his father.

'It seems like the cold of your hands is good for something,' Edward said.

'Yeah,' I murmured.

'Why don't you eat?' Edward asked. Like, normally ask. 'I just don't understand. Your blood is tested. You are low in all sorts of vitamin and minerals. I don't get you. Why aren't you doing what I thought you would be doing? What girls your age do, why don't you do those kinds of things? Haven't you noticed anything lately? Are you that blind? Or are you that ignorant? I don't mean it like an insult, Bella. But you are being stupid.'

Was I missing something? 'I don't get you!' I said angry. 'Well, it sure didn't feel like a compliment. Anyway, what do girls my age do? Horn over you?'

_Why don't I think before I talk?_

Edward's looked incredulous and then he rolled his eyes at me. 'You are such a little idiot. Can't you see-'

'Edward,' I said, grabbing to my chest as a sudden pain flashed there. 'God. It hurts. Can't-'

'Bella?' Edward said, dropping his cigarette and grabbing my arms.

I couldn't breath. It felt like I was choking. 'I...' I tried to talk.

I _was _choking.

'Don't talk, Bella. Stay calm, you're gonna be alright.' Edward opened the door and put me in the car, all the time I was searching for air.

Which never came and I didn't know how long I would last. 'Bella, you'll be alright,' Edward said with force in his voice. 'Again, just like the panic attack, it's in your head. You think you can't breath, while in fact you can. You are breathing right now. Don't try to talk.' I saw him doing something with his mobile. Texting Tanya?

_I can't breath. You have to feel this for yourself to know, stupid! I am dying._

And all this time, I had never thought about how to die. I had thought about dying, but not how.

What was this? Was this really dying? What way?

_Oh God, please, end this soon. I'm choking!_

'9-1-1, what's your emergency?'

_I can't breath. _I wanted to cry.

'I'm bringing a girl with a heart attack,' Edward said. 'She can't breath and she's in pain.' Had he just lied to me? Did it really matter? I was still choking!

I felt the car speeding to probably it's highest speed that it had. I don't know how Edward managed to hold the steering wheel with one hand, but he was.

Because even though I couldn't see, I knew it, because his other hand was on my shoulder, going to my back and eventually to me hand, holding it tightly. It didn't comfort me at all and a few tears slipped while everything went black as my biggest fear went for real.

Dying as a failure.

* * *

**A/N: **Many anorexics die of heart attacks every year. It's sad, really.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

* * *

**Confusing**

I woke up, exhausted, in a hospital bed. There was a tube down my nose, for food. There was a needle in my arm and a bag with salt water. I looked around, seeing the big machines around me.

After a few minutes, Dr. Cullen walked in. Like he knew I had woken up.

'Bella,' he said. 'You're awake, good. We need to talk.' He looked around, maybe a little uncomfortable, I didn't know. 'Two days ago, you had an hearth attack. And now-'

'I don't wanna talk to you,' I said slowly, but clearly. All I saw was a brute. 'Go.'

He looked confused, but I couldn't care less. I wasn't going to explain this on to him, he had to figure out himself.

'Go!' I said loudly.

He took his documents and left.

I reached for the fat making tube and pulled it out and threw in on the floor.

A few minutes later, Charlie came.

'Bella?' he asked, looking amazed.

'Hi,' I mumbled.

'How are you feeling?' he asked.

'Good,' I said, fidgeting with my fingers. 'Can we go home?'

'I don't know,' he said, looking down. 'Renee is furious. She wants to take you back to Phoenix.'

'What? No. I want to stay with you, Dad, here in Forks.'

'That Edward boy almost killed you and there you have your mother who can help you. I can't.'

'Edward almost killed me?' I asked, confused at his thoughts. 'I don't think so.'

'And this?' he said. He pointed at my arm. I looked down and saw a huge blue-greenish spot. It was where Edward had taken blood from. How was that even possible? Even I could have done a better job. He did stab me twice, and maybe both times he pushed the needle too far.

But that's not possible.

'Bella,' Charlie said. 'I forbid you to go out with him again.'

'Yeah,' I mumbled, thinking about Edward's lack of taking a blood sample.

Of pushing a needle in a vein.

Wait.

A needle in a vein.

He lacked that.

I looked down at my arm, where the blue spot was laughing at Edward's bad job.

_Of course._

Now I knew. But what did it matter?

It mattered some. I could tell it to Edward. Tell him I knew and that evidence was clear on my arm.

But why would he lie?

'Dad,' I said. 'Can we please go home? I don't feel comfortable here.'

'I'll talk to doctor Cullen.'

'Please, not him,' I said in annoyance. He had hit Edward. Parents don't do that.

'He's the best doctor,' Charlie said.

'Fine,' I gritted out.

Soon, Dr. Cullen came in again.

'Bella,' he started. 'What have I done wrong to you? And why did you pull out the feeding tube?'

'Not me. I wasn't hungry.'

'Don't be vague now,' he said. 'What did I do wrong?'

I looked him in the eye, mine hateful, and his full of questions.

'Does it make you feel better? Stronger? Do you consider it normal to hit him?'

I said him, instead of Edward, choosing to be a little vague. His face told me he understood whom I was talking about.

'You're right, Bella. I know that was far out of line.'

I waited, but he had stopped there.

'You do? Have you said you're sorry? Do you believe he tried to kill me too, like my Charlie thinks? Did you know he in fact called 911 and... brought me to the hospital?'

What was wrong with me and why did I always put up a fight with this guy? My guts really didn't like him.

He nodded a little with a sad smile. 'No, I haven't and I suppose I still have to. And why would I have to think he tried to kill you? It's normal for anorexics to have hearth attacks.'

'I am not anorexic,' I said. 'Can I talk to him?'

'Who?'

'Who do you think?' I asked. 'Edward, of course.'

'Why?'

'With all due respect, sir, but that is not your question to ask,' I said, turning into friendly and respectful.

'Alright,' he said, getting up. 'Also, I am discharging you, but I have given Charlie all the heads up for what to look for. A second attack could be your death.'

He turned and left.

_Asshole._

I looked back at my arm, looking at Edward's job. He had perhaps taken pills or whatever. But he had never-

The sound of a door opening made me look up and I saw Edward walking in.

I gasped once I noticed his black eye. I had never seen a black eye, but this one would have been definitely at the first place of being so black and looking painful.

He looked surprised, as if nothing was the matter and everything was just peachy. 'Ugh, Edward, your eye! Who?' I asked. 'Who hit you?'

'No worries there,' he said. The machine next to me started to beep much more often. 'Slow that muscle down. It had, in fact, had an attack just recently.'

'Huh? What are you saying?'

'You hearth, Bella,' he said slowly. 'The hearth attack. Attack.' I scowled at him and he blinked a few times. 'It was Emmett, who was in the need of punching someone, when you were in a coma and nobody knew how long you would be in it.'

I started to take slower breaths. I was overreacting, I knew that, and I tried to calm down.

'Wait, coma?'

'Yeah. Suddenly, it's my fault that you don't eat. Anorexia isn't real, I don't know why everybody keeps saying you have it,' he said with a roll of the eyes.

'I can almost kiss you, that's what I keep saying. I don't have anorexia and I agree with you, it's not real! I'm not doing anything any different then anyone else and I'm not-'

'I lost you after that kiss part, but I guess it's the drugs inside of you talking,' he interrupted.

'Drugs! You're not on them,' I said, remembering his purpose of coming here.

'What's that?' he replied kindly.

'Well, the ones that you have to put directly in your blood, anyway,' I said. 'I mean, you screwed with my veins, look,' I said, pushing my arm up. 'So, a real junkie, would be able to find a vein, not open them up from both sides. See? You're not a junkie. Sorry I called you one. Why would you lie about it though? Maybe you like lying. You're a liar. But, wait, back to the original question, why?'

I looked up expectantly.

He was scowling. 'Bella, you are such an naïve girl, aren't you? Maybe I was in the mood to hurt you and fuck up your veins?'

'You were?' I asked surprised. 'Wait, are you lying now?' I asked. 'I figured you out, didn't I?' I smiled when he was quiet for a while.

'The drugs have completely taken you over, haven't they?' he said with a smile right back. 'I gotta go. Eat a burger or something. Ciao.'

He walked towards the door and I got out of bed and pulled off the stupid hospital clothes. I put on my bra and jeans. When I turned, Edward was looking. My eyes went huge.

'What are you doing still here?' I asked. 'I thought you left!'

'You're thinner,' he said. 'I can see your bones more clearly then at the hotel in the summer. I can count all of your thirty three vertebrae.' I scowled and he actually smiled, but it was a sad one. 'The bones of your spine. And I can see all of your twelve ribs.' He was talking quite monotone.

'Go away, watch porn on the net, don't watch me,' I said, turning and searching for my shirt. It was nowhere. Damn it, Edward is looking at my repulsive body and I can't find my shirt to hide it!

'I think your top is gone,' he said, standing behind me. 'They ripped it open at the hospital, I guess.'

'Don't look,' I pleaded.

'You really don't see it, do you?' he said. I felt something on my shoulders and found a blouse on them. I quickly put it on.

'See what?'

It was still warm from Edward's body heat. And it didn't smell of any cigarettes. I wondered if he had quit them.

'Hey, are you still-' I asked, but immediately stopped when I had turned around and met a half naked Edward.

Wow. I had forgotten about how wonderful he looked.

'I'm going to kill you, Edward!'

'EDWARD!'

'Wait! Stop!'

People around us were yelling, but I watched Edward, who had a sad smile and shrugged lightly. As if that was normal to him.

_Yeah, sure, I get death threats every day too, nothing weird about that._

Then, he was yanked back, by Emmett, who pushed him against the wall. Edward didn't put up a fight. He didn't care. I could see that in his eyes.

'Wait, wait,' I heard a voice behind me say. I turned to see Alice and then her eyes went wide. I quickly looked back to see Emmett give Edward a punch in the abdomen. Edward fell on the ground and spitted bile.

That was what I called a punch and it had me stiffen right at my place.

'Emmett!' Alice yelled. 'Stop! That's out of line, damn it!'

'I haven't even begun,' he said, and he picked Edward up again after he was done throwing up.

'Emmett, enough,' Carlisle ordered.

He punched him again though, in the face. I ran toward them, grabbing Emmett's arm when it was high in the air behind him, ready to give him a punch the would have sure broken Edward's neck, and stopped him. Emmett's strong arm yanked at mine and when he was free, he pushed me without watching. The strong guy had managed to push me so hard, I fell backwards and fell, my head smacking with the wall.

It went quiet in the room and I looked up lazily to see Edward in front of me. His finger went to the side of my lips, wiping and bringing it up to his eyes. I saw blood on his fingers and Edward's eyes went to rage. He spun and went to Emmett.

And now, it was Edward who had put up a fight. And it was clear that he was much stronger than Emmett, even though Emmett was bigger. He didn't get far, though, security had come and two men grabbed Edward as two grabbed Emmett. Edward was trying to break free, but Emmett looked shocked and his eyes found mine.

'Bella, I'm so sorry. You're so skinny and I hadn't meant to push you the way I did. I am terribly sorry.'

He meant it. I shook my head. 'Don't be, it was just an accident.' My eyes landed on the floor, where Edward had emptied his stomach. 'You should be sorry for what you did to Edward, though. Why did you start fighting? He has just given me his clothes. What ever you were trying to prove, Emmett, it was unnecessary.'

I walked out of the room, not giving them one look anymore. Outside in the hall, Jasper was waiting.

'Bella,' he smiled.

'Ugh, go away. You fancy to hit someone too?'

'Bella,' he said sadly. 'It's interesting, don't you think so too?'

I turned and walked away, but Jasper followed.

'When everybody is yelling at Edward and he knows he is about to get hit, he doesn't fight back. He let's everybody hit him. When he sees you on the ground, with blood on the cheek, accidentally pushed by Emmett, he enrages and fights. _Wants _to fight, finding the energy. Only after seeing blood on you. A hurt Bella. That's interesting.'

'Are you going to tell me Edward's in love with me again?' I asked sarcastically. 'Because, really, if he does, tell him to please leave me the alone, because people who love people, don't show it in that way and because... he has been a dick to me at school and because he has a girlfriend.'

'I don't blame your bitterness. But, you keep defending Edward. You watch everything from a different point of view and that's strange for my family. They don't see it the way you do and it's quite... like a breath of fresh air for them. You have left them shocked in there, you know?'

'Ugh, crazy people,' I muttered. 'Stop following me.'

'Bella, whatever Edward is feeling for you-'

'Why do you say it like that, like they are there!' I said enraged. 'Like there _are _feelings.'

Again he smiled sadly. 'I can't promise you anything, but I can guarantee you that both of you are going to go trough a huge change, sooner or later. It just depends on, again, the both of you, when that is. And Bella?'

I smirked. He smiled a genuine smile now, walking towards me slowly and putting his hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eye.

'If you were to make the first move,' he said, 'as in, the moves that lovers make, he wouldn't be able to resist you.' He let go of my shoulders and slowly turned. When he didn't stop me anymore, I walked off again, in Edward's blouse and didn't know what to do. Everything was so weird. So weird. I couldn't comprehend it. A so called brother just hit his adopted brother until he vomited and then he got hit some more. That's so unreal.

And then there's that little creepy thing, called Jasper, and the strange things he just told me. I mean, seriously, that's what he believes?

I was about to walk outside, when I saw my mother.

'Renee?' I asked, not hiding my surprise.

'Bella,' she said sternly. 'You are going to live in a eating clinic from now on!'

'Bite me,' I said and went outside. She followed.

'Isabella Swan,' she threatened. 'I shall go inside again and you shall cool down. Then I will take you to Ireland and you will stay there, eat and get this messy life of yours back together.'

She went inside and I gaped after the woman I had to call mother.

I walked a little further, past the silver volvo that belonged to Edward and then I noticed my mother's car. The ugly bitch staring at me. I walked right past that and walked. Back to burning callories.

At home, I locked myself in my room.

_6 December 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I almost died a few days ago._

_And there's a family in this town, that I don't understand._

_I don't think I ever will. But there's nothing I can do about it. I have to get back to excercising. I don't think that hearth attack was so bad. I'm living now, right? I gotta get back to losing all this fat._

_Wait, just a second, I'm going to weigh myself._

_..._

_Ugh.. I'm like 84 pounds. The fat is everywhere. Fat loves me._

_FAT = IN LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN._

_FAT (L) BELLA._

_Yuck._

I went to bed and the next morning I woke up extra early. I was just going to go to school, like any other day.

It was after 8 and people were slowly getting here.

'Bella, you okay? Should you be at school?' asked an worried voice. I turned and watched her.

Yes. The voice belonged to whom I thought it would be.

But it wasn't the person I thought who would be asking the question. Maybe Angela, but not...

'Jessica?' I asked.

'God, I know what you must think,' she said, with a shake of the head. 'Seriously, you had a hearth attack! You should be in bed or something.'

'It wasn't serious,' I said, still freaked out about Jessica talking to me. She bit her lip.

'Well, go home if you don't feel well,' she said. 'You were in a coma... Bella?'

I scowled, watching the uncertain Jessica.

'I'm sorry I was a bitch to you,' she said. She walked inside, leaving me there with my thoughts. Jessica just said sorry to me. Is that weird?

It was Tuesday and I guess someone had spread to word on Monday about my hearth attack.

I was going to smile all day long. Let nobody know that I was weak or ill.

It was just a hearth attack! _People, jeez, get over it._

I went to class. Today was just a short day, school until 1 o'clock.

No biology. No Edward.

Actually, none of the Cullens were at school.

_7 December 2010 (evening/night)_

_Dear Diary,_

_No Cullens at school today. It's ironic how suddenly a whole table is empty. Very noticeable._

_Maybe they had to dig a hole today, because Emmett hit _that_ hard, that Edward died._

_Just a thought. _

_We'll find out tomorrow._

_Bella_

_PS. I've gained. I punished myself. With the knife Edward gave me. I have to use it for something, right? Tomorrow at gym, I'll have to hide the scars. Those are very noticeable too._

'You can't tell anyone,' I pleaded her. 'Please, it's nothing. It will heal and I'll get well again, but please, don't tell them. I'm just asking you this one thing. For all the times you were mean to me, this is the only favour I want from you.

Jessica sighed. I was pleading to her right now, because she had seen the scars by my own foolish mistake. They had begun to itch and I had openly begun to scratch them and the she saw. Out of all people, it was Jessica. Why wasn't it a first year, whom I could buy off with some candy?

'They're just little cuts,' I said.

'Fine,' Jessica gritted out. 'But only this once.'

She left and I let the breath escape my lips as I muttered a too late thanks.

Today, the Cullens weren't at school either. t diner with Charlie, which I had to finish, or else he wouldn't let me go, he mentioned Dr. Cullen.

'Please, God, No.'

'Bella, he is the best doctor and I am not and since I promised Renee I would do anything to improve your health.'

'By the way, where is she?'

'She went back to Phoenix, didn't she tell you?'

'No, why would she bother with the sick, anorexic daughter that has nothing but a messy life?'

I pushed my chair back loudly and stood up.

'You didn't finish diner!' Charlie called.

I waved my hand back, with that telling him I didn't care a fuck.

That's right, a fuck.

I looked outside trough my little window and I saw little Jake in the rain, with no shelter what so ever. The little shelter that Charlie had made him, was completely destroyed. And Jake didn't make a sound of complaint. I took my jacket and covered my head as I went down and opened the door. I ran towards him, picked him up and went back inside. I brought him up to my room. Somewhere in the house, Charlie was talking on the phone.

I found a box and made a little nest out of it. I put in all my old clothes I could find.

'There, that should be warm enough,' I said. I picked him up again, and it surprised me that he was so tame. 'I'm gonna go to sleep now, I am too tired to do _anything_.'

The next morning, I saw Jake, safe and sound and the little box. I prepared myself for another awful day and when I had finished, I went down to get some chicken food.

I meant, the human food which we use as chicken food. I just grabbed some grain and bread with a bowl of water and brought it up again. I was concentrated to much on not spilling the water, that when I put it down and went to reach for Jake, I realised he had been very still.

I pulled back my hand and stared at his open eyes. I then looked at his stomach and waited for the movement to come. The movement that indicate that he was breathing. I brought my finger quickly to his eye, checking for any reaction. A blink of the eye. Nothing. None of it came and I knew that he had died. I couldn't find myself to leave him there with his eyes wide open and in a little box filled with my clothes. But I was too scared to pick him up or even touch him.

Each time I was reaching for his eyes, but chickened out.

_Chickened _out. Huh. Ironic.

I told myself to pull it together. It was my stupid fault, I had neglected the animal too much lately. All I had done, was make sure he had enough food and water. I wasn't going to be like Renee.

This time when I was reaching, I closed his eyes, but then I thought, why get him out of the box? It actually suits him fine. I found another shirt and covered him up. And then I stood there again, staring at the dead creature in the box, in the middle of my room, that had died somewhere when I was asleep.

I couldn't do anything, didn't dare to do anything, then just leave him in the room.

For some reason, I also didn't walk that day. I took my car. I deserved that.

At school, I instantly thought of Edward. And I knew that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, ever, in my life. I just made the decision.

I would go and tell him to leave me alone. I had to let him know that I didn't need him. He just had to back off, and so did the rest of his family. No more talking and no more helping me out, even if it were just little tests or... bringing me to the hospital while having a hearth attack.

I opened a door and found myself staring at Edward, who was kissing Tanya passionately. I stared at the couple in front of me and tried to slowly walk backwards. I closed the door and it caused a lot of noise.

Neither of them noticed.

When I was out of there, I ran to the toilets and closed the door violently. I had so much energy in me. I leaned my back against the door, but walked over to the mirror and stared at my reflection. I was so mad at this guy. What bit of his whole story was true? When had I stopped believing myself and instead believe him? When the hell had I started trusting him. It's as if that littlest trust had crumbled away now and when I saw a tear on the face in the reflection, I wanted to scream at her, yell that she was a weak, stupid person. Her whole face turned red with anger and I saw a fist hit the reflection and it broke to a million pieces, which made me more mad. Now there were a million weak girls staring at me and I hit the mirror again.

None if it was true.

I walked over to the second mirror and hit that reflection too. I did the same with the following five mirrors. Each time the reflection made me more sick and the girl I saw in it was only crying harder.

I closed my eyes and cried hard. It felt like hours, but it were only minutes until I was finally able to stop the crying and notice pain on my hands. I looked up and there was a lot of blood around the places where I had hit the mirrors.

My fingers were also covered in blood and I saw a bit of my reflection in a tiny bit of mirror. My eyes were so red and I got up and splashed water in my face. I kept doing that until I was finally cooled down. My eyes were still red. My hands wouldn't stop bleeding. I had accidentally made my shirt wet with water. My hair was going to all direction. The bell rang and I was late for class now. I went into one of the toilets and sat there for the following hour. I closed my eyes and just sat there.

No one had come by. No one probably even noticed my absence. When the second bell rang, I didn't even look at my appearance, I just went off to class. To biology. To _him. _Freaking amazing.

Why was I even going? Maybe I should just go back home and find the perfect place to bury Jake.

I was the first to enter the class, because the rest was probably still gathering there things in the previous class. I put my head on the table and just let the class fill with the students. I didn't listen to the whisperes that were very obviously there.

'Today class,' the teacher, Mr. Banner, began but suddenly stopped talking. It was also very quit in the rest of the class. That was unusual. He cleared his troath, as if to wait for something, but after a few more seconds, he just continued. 'I want to discuss infections and wounds.' How ironic. 'So if you all could open your books at page 111, we could get started. First assignment, write down a question and give the question to your partner so he or she can answer it.'

I didn't move and it was quite again in class. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder.

'Bella,' Mr. Banner whispered. 'You may leave.' I looked up confused at him and he just gave me a soft, reassuring nod. 'Go home. I'll take care of everything with the administration.' I slowly took my bag and stood up, and then gripping my head a little, because I was dizzy. When that passed, I looked around me and every single eye was pointed at me. I dropped my eyes and avoided them all. It really surprised me that none of them said anything insulting or that they were giving me so much attention.

I opened the door and slowly closed it. I walked a little, but stopped to lean against a wall and rest for a second. I felt so down. Like I would never feel happy again. The door suddenly opened again and when I opened my eyes, Edward was just closing the door and was walking over to me. I quickly walked again. I was in no mood for Edward. He was suddenly standing in front of me and grabbed my wrists. He looked at my hands in confusion and I yanked them out of his grip.

'Leave me alone!' I screamed the hardest I could and I ran trough the hall way. A few doors opened and teachers and students looked to see what the fuss was about. I just ran to my car, but to my biggest dread, couldn't find my keys.

It was as if that little fact was the worst thing that could have happened to me and I dropped on my knees and I couldn't stop the tears. Someone touched my shoulders and when I looked up, I saw Jasper.

'Come, let's get you fixed up,' he said, helping me up and walking towards a silver, familiar looking car.

'No,' I murmured, 'not in there.'

'Edward's not here and not going to get anywhere near you, alright?' he said. 'I'm just borrowing his car.'

'Borrowing? His precious car?' I said, surprised. 'You must be mad.'

He lightly chuckled and opened the door, but it was the drivers side. He looked at me seriously. 'Answer the truth, alright? Are you alright enough to drive? Or should I?' I was a little fine now, my tears had stopped falling.

I shook my head, more in confusion at why he was asking. 'Why don't you just drive?'

'Because, you should drive. Unless you're not up for it.'

'I think I can,' I said. 'Try. Maybe.'

'Hop in, then,' he said, holding my hand as I stepped into the car. The keys were in front of me and I took them from Jasper. I looked at my surroundings, a flashy car with things in it that I didn't even know cars were able to have. It had to be expensive.

I let my fingers run over the dashboard and then the steer. It could have been a new car, just sold at its original prise. I smirked when Jasper got in.

'You trying to get me killed?' I asked. 'I don't think Edward agrees to me driving, does he?'

'If I agree, so does he,' he said.

'No exceptions? This is his car, after all.'

He just shrugged and I slowly started the car. I double checked before driving. I was holding tightly on the steering wheel. I wasn't quite sure if that was such a good idea after all. Jasper was giving me directions and since I wasn't able to talk where we were going, just mind the road on every detail, I followed them.

'I'm sorry,' Jasper said.

'What for?'

'What Edward did to you. The last thing I would have thought I would witness, was him kissing Tanya.'

I gripped unto the steering wheel more tightly. He had seen too?

'That's not an apology for you to make. Nobody, for that matter. And what do you mean, witness?'

'I saw him, after you. Only I opened the door more loudly. I did interrupt them. I'm guessing you didn't.'

'What ever,' I said. 'It's Edward. We could have guessed, right?'

'I just don't know what got into him. He doesn't talk to any of us, at all. I really did think... he liked you. But maybe, it was all a fake.'

'Yeah, so now you've figured out that, could you drop it?' I asked. 'I've had enough Edward to last a lifetime.'

I glanced at him and he was thinking about something while looking at the road. 'I just wonder how much Bella Edward has had,' he murmured to himself.

'Jasper,' I said, I didn't know what I wanted to tell him.

'I understand,' he said and for the rest of the drive, he was quiet.

When we reached a familiar road, I realised where we were heading at.

The Cullens house.

I felt a stinging in my knuckles and when I looked at my hands, there were covered in blood and the blood was dripping on the steering wheel and on the leather. I quickly put my hands on my lap, so the damage I was causing on Edward's car, was lessened. Jasper was only looking at my hands.

'I can check if it's clean and close them up for you, if you like,' he said.

I nodded. 'Thanks.'

'Anytime,' he said. He got out of the car and I was thinking how to open the door without covering the handle with my blood. Jasper had already appeared next to the door and opened it for me. 'Anything for a damsel in distress.'

For the fist time, I was able to break a real smile and it felt like a weight was off of my shoulders.

'I wouldn't call myself that,' I said, still smiling.

'But I would,' he said, taking my bloody hand and guiding me to the house. It felt like it was just an hour ago when Edward and I had been standing here, in front of the door. Now I stood there with Jasper. He led me trough the house and we made it to the living room.

'Sit and I'll be right back,' he said, releasing my hand.

'Sorry about the blood everywhere,' I said.

He shrugged it off and left. I went to a couch and sat on it, with my hands on my lap again.

How did I end up in the Cullens house again with only Jasper?

I had no idea.

Jasper was back with disinfectants and a bandage.

'Not gonna tell me how you got your hands like that?' he asked.

I looked the other way and he dropped it.

He cleaned the wounds and lucky for my, there weren't any glass pieces in it. He closed it with the bandage.

'Better?' he asked.

'Yeah, thank you, Jasper,' I said again.

He sat on the table in front of me and looked at me for a second.

'What?' I asked him.

He sighed and stood up. 'Just thinking about Edward.'

'I've already stopped, so should you.'

'He shouldn't kiss girls he doesn't love,' he said, ignoring me. 'I thought he had changed since last summers vacation. I thought you had changed him.'

I rolled my eyes. 'Come on, Jasper. Whatever makes him feel better.'

'He should kiss you,' he said and I looked at him with a tired expression. He had gone there again.

'Jasper, I think you are a really nice guy, but sometimes, I just can't stand you,' I said and he came to sit next to me.

'I can live with that,' he said. 'You want anything to eat?'

'No thanks,' I said quickly.

'Drink?'

I shook my head.

'Bella, you are a really nice girl and sometimes I can only wonder what you are thinking,' he said.

I laughed a little as I knew my comment back and he laughed too. 'Well, Jasper, I can live with that.'

'Really?' he said surprised, getting up again and looking out of the window. 'Didn't know that.' He waved to someone. 'They're home,' he said. 'You can change your clothes upstairs.'

I looked down and looked like I had just slaughtered a vicious animal. My shirt was covered in blood. 'Thanks.'

'I've already put clothes in the bathroom,' he said, still looking outside.

'Thanks.'

'Your welcome,' he said and then he turned to me. 'Please, stop saying thanks.'

I only smiled and went upstairs.

When I was up, I had gone out of breath. I guess that's a bit logical, with the hearth attack. I only knew what was behind one of the six doors that I saw and that was the hospital thing room. I didn't want to start just opening the doors and when I turned to call for Jasper which door, it had to be Edward who was just running up the stairs. He was out of breath and his hair was pointing in all directions.

I looked at him with wide eyes, hating myself for not hating him right now, because he looked to damn pretty to be mad at.

_Love makes blind._

Wait, why did I just say that? I'm not in love.

He was looking me up and down and then pointed at something. I didn't ask what had gotten his attention.

'Bathroom,' I croaked out.

Jasper was up a few seconds later, pushing Edward aside and pushing me softly toward a door and opening it for me. I quickly went in and locked it behind me.

'What did you do?' I heard Edward say.

I sank through my knees and leaned against the wall.

'I saved a girl that just saw you kissing Tanya and then silently left the room, as in not to interrupt you two and then she went to the toilets to hit a few mirrors with her little fists, which were one bloody mess-'

'You said you didn't know!' I said loudly through the door. 'Why pretend asking me why my hands are bleeding, if you already know!'

'Let me talk to her, Jasper,' Edward said.

'No! No, no! Jasper, please, no,' I said, over and over again.

'You heard the girl,' he said.

'The girl needs to hear me out,' Edward snapped.

'Why, were you planning on telling her how much you liked kissing Tanya or were you here to give her a detailed report on what you exactly did?'

_Good one, Jasper!_

'Did you know what I had told the poor girl a few days ago? That she could actually make a chance on you by making a first move! And if the blood stains in your car don't make you angry enough, I hope that you knowing you are the cause to cause hurt on Bella again, that will hopefully make you feel miserable.'

'Damn it, Jasper, let me get in to see her,' he pleaded.

'Her looks haven't changed,' Jasper said simply. 'Only a bandage on her damaged knuckles is all that is different.'

'Fine, if you are gonna hear it too, then fine,' Edward said.

'You don't get it, do you?' Jasper began slowly. 'You've lost her forever. No explanation can change that.'

'It was never my intention for her to want me,' he said.

'I don't want you!' I said angrily, like I was accused for something.

'You know that, Jasper,' he said very softly. '.. I .. need .. talk .. her.'

I hadn't heard him well, because he had talked in a very low voice, but they were both quiet now. How could they go from a fight like that to a sudden moment of pause? I looked up to see the lock being turned and the door was being opened. I stood up and wanted to yank the door back, but Edward had already opened it completely and all I saw was Jasper's back, who was walking downstairs. I wanted to run out of the bathroom, but Edward put his arm across my chest.

'Jasper, don't leave!' I pleaded out loud, but Edward got into the bathroom and locked it. _Oh God. _I turned and ran to the corner farthest from him and sank through my knees, my back facing him, and I dropped my head and tried to block out whatever he was planning to say. I closed my eyes tightly.

'Bella, why did that kiss bother you so much?'

_Disgusting..._

I had begun to cry when he was directly talking to me. But I was soundless, so he wouldn't notice.

'Please tell me why,' he continued.

_Crazy..._

I couldn't prevent a sniffle.

'Why would it upset you so much, that you would go to the toilet and do _that_?'

I snapped my head up and glared at him. So he saw the tears, no big deal.

'Oh, don't flatter yourself, _Edward,_' I said. 'I've been having horrible days since I got out of the hospital and this morning Jacob died. It has nothing to do with you, what I saw with you and her, that was more like the best thing that I have seen since a few days ago,' I lied. 'I'm really happy for you and Tanya,' I said, my voice breaking at the end. I laughed for a second or two, until I went to a complete crazy fit of crying again.

I felt a soft touch and I smacked with my hand to whatever it would hit. His hand, his face, his dick, I didn't care. I looked up through my teary eyes to see I had hit away his hand.

'I just thought you needed some comfort, I'm sorry,' he said softly. 'I'm sorry for you loss.'

'Sorry for so many things, how could I ever believe your _kind_ words,' I said exasperated and sarcastically.

'Throw it all out on me, I don't mind,' he said. 'You can even hit me again,' he said a little jokily, touching my nose with his finger. I hit his hand away again and then glared at him. 'I am really sorry that Jacob died. It must be hard for you. When my mother died, I couldn't breath and it felt like I was dying.'

'I don't feel sorry for you,' I snapped. 'I have to go home and dig a hole for Jake with a shovel and actually bury him.'

Edward blinked a few times and then pressed his lips together. 'Excuse me, but what exactly is Jacob?'

'Oh, you think you're so smart because you figured out that Jacob isn't human but just a rooster,' I snapped again.

He scowled and all he said was, 'I didn't know you have a rooster.'

'Why would you know, now? All you do is kiss Tanya and sex her with your precious, huge-'

'Which brings us back,' he said, interrupting me by holding my face with both of his hands, which only caused me to go to hysteria, 'to me kissing Tanya just about an hour ago. So you saw me. I was kissing her, holding her tightly to me, kissing everything that I could kiss, her face, her neck, her lips a million times, loving the warm, soft skin.' I punched his shoulder with my fist, but he continued. 'Yes, Bella,' he said, gripping my face tighter, 'I loved kissing her and it was fantastic, only because all the time, every second of it, I was imagining it was you.'

I was breathing heavy, and so was Edward. My hands had stayed on his shoulders after I had punched him and I wondered if this was one of his lies again.

'I would love to do that to you and see that you are loving it too and that you are holding unto me, wanting more and for it to never end,' he said, running his thumbs up and down my cheek. 'I guess that that is nothing but a fantasy for me. How can you even _like _something like that, if I do that to you. I have given you enough reason to hate me and find me disgusting. But I don't want you to be hurt by something like that, Bella, I don't want you to think I like kissing her, because my mind was saying to me it was you.'

I sighed and he abruptly stood up and put up a song.

_Crawling in my skin_

'You can change, I won't look,' he said, turning around.

_Huh?_

_These wounds they will not heal_

_Had he just told me the truth and then changed the subject so fast?  
_  
_Fear is how I fall_  
_Confusing what is real_

Edward sighed at that.

'Are you trying to tell me something?' I asked, pulling off the shirt and put on the clean one that Jasper had laid there. 'That you're confusing Tanya with me? Yeah, like we look that much alike,' I added sarcastically.

_There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface_

'You were still kissing her, and not me, I don't care if you imagined her to be me, it doesn't matter one bit. In the end you were still kissing Tan-'

I was yanked by my arm and spun to face Edward, who pushed me against the wall and then grabbed my face and glared into my eyes. I was crushed between the wall and him.

_Consuming, confusing_

I was scared and did not know how much of it was noticeable on my face or my whole demeanour, for that matter.

_This lack of self-control I fear is never ending_

His eyes softened a little as he put his hands in my hair and pushed my head up and he was fast as he reached down for my lips with his.

'No,' I murmured right before his kissed me.

_Controlling, I can't seem_

From what I remembered, he was kissing me just the way he had kissed Tanya and I had no idea what to do.  
_  
__To find myself again  
__My walls are closing in_

Do I want this?  
_  
__Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced_

I think I did, but still...  
_  
There's just too much pressure to take_

I found myself pushing him on the chest, but he wouldn't stop or slow down.  
_  
I've felt this way before  
So insecure_

I started to whimper, because I was fearing the unknown again.

_Crawling in my skin_  
_These wounds they will not heal_

Edward stopped and rested his head on my forehead._  
_  
_Fear is how I fall_  
_Confusing what is real_

He bended down to look into my eyes.

'You may be the baddest liar in the world, but when I kiss you like that, you can cry, scream _no_, push me away, bite me, punch me or whatever you can come up with and I would still think you like it, even though you don't. I can't kiss you like that, because I will never notice if you like it or not. I will bring it to the places you've never been, not once realizing what you really want and be in prison the next day for rape.'

He pecked my lips and sighed very deeply.

_Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me_  
_Distracting, reacting_  
_Against my will I stand beside my own reflection_  
_It's haunting how I can t seem_  
_To find myself again_  
_My walls are closing in_  
_Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced_  
_there's just too much pressure to take_  
_I've felt this way before_  
_So insecure_

_Crawling in my skin_  
_These wounds they will not heal_  
_Fear is how I fall_  
_Confusing what is real_

When the song ended, I looked up at Edward, who was slowly releasing me and watching me carefully.

He was shaking his head, and I scowled.

'What is it?' I asked.

'Nothing,' he said, quickly shaking his head. 'It's nothing. I'm just going to give you a minute and I'll be outside if you...' he scowled, 'need me. Or... whatever.'

He had looked so confused when he said need me, thinking about that little word too much, it was so laughable, that when he closed the door, I couldn't help myself but laugh.

I quickly stopped though and put my fingers on my lips, feeling the touch op his lips on mine.

It was still lingering there.


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

**A/N: **It's been forever since my last update! Hope you like it - tell me.

This is a very long chapter, please let me know if I did it alright.

* * *

**Why?**

Edward Cullen had just kissed me.

Again.

I just could not understand why he would want to. What was I to him? He never said. He didn't talk much and when he did, I just stood there, catching all his words, but not understanding them. Was it because he pitied me? Was it because he liked being an awful tease to me and hurt me more and embarrass me more?

_Really? _I thought to myself. Did I - no, _could _I really believe that?

I hate not to know. I was even too embarrassed myself about that kiss. It's just a kiss... then again, not. I laid that embarrassment aside for a moment. Just a moment so I could tell myself that _that _kiss had been different than the others. At the hotel, his kiss was... determined, full of confidence. He had wanted that, yes. I remember how he had wanted it. My memory was clouded by my own fear that day. I closed my eyes and tried to remember that kiss.

But I couldn't. I couldn't remember what it was like. My mind had completely shut it out. Had he been gentle or rough? Had he been slow or fast? Had he watched me, made sure he wasn't doing something I didn't like, or did he just think about his own feelings and pleasure? Did he even care about me at that moment? Or just himself?

I remembered, faintly, that I had told him to get off and then I left. _I'm sorry. _Yes, he had apologized. What else? I closed my eyes tighter, trying to remember the incident months ago. He had given me space and time and he had come after me. He had thanked me, in that letter, for the kiss.

_Who says 'thank you' for a kiss these days?_

I gaped at myself for suddenly finding so much interest in a Edward kiss. I quickly shook my head, when I realized exactly why I was thinking back about that kiss. It was because, back then, the kiss had been different, even if my memory was failing me.

_This _kiss, just now, was mournful. I could almost feel him kiss the words 'I'm sorry' and I wondered what for he was sorry now. My instinct was telling me, that it wasn't just because he had kissed me all of a sudden. The reason was something else entirely. The reason had to do, of course, something with me.

I touched my lips, my cheeks, where he had laid his fingers and lips. He had been gentle this time. Had I been too persistent? Saying that he had kissed Tanya, and not me? Did he want to show me - I gulped, that he _wanted _to kiss me? Not just saying the words, but also performing the act.

I took a deep breath. No more thinking, it's time to get out of this house. I got up and didn't look at my reflection in the mirror. I already knew what I would see in there. Slowly I opened the door and hoped that neither Jasper or Edward were near me. I didn't want to say goodbye.

When I was outside, I was still trying to be soundless and suddenly regretted it a lot that I had let Jasper take me to his place. My only option would be to go back to school and pick up my car. I had already made some distance between myself and the house, but I still kept quiet. I just knew that a goodbye would be awkward. Maybe I'd even thank him, like he had thanked me, out of my haste to get out and then that would be really awkward. On my side only, of course.

I could already see the smirk he would be wearing.

Actually - I could feel his presence. 'Running, Bella?'

I jumped at the sound and spun around, looking in a pair of green eyes. 'Jesus, Edward!' I shrieked.

He was leaning behind a tree. Of course he was hiding himself, but how would he know I would sneak out?

He took a drag of his cigarette. _Of course._

'I can take you, to were ever you want to go,' he said casually, looking at me and then blowing out smoke. I made a face of disgust.

'I don't want you to take me anywhere,' I said, slightly annoyed, but I couldn't even figure out myself where my annoyance was coming from. Maybe it was just because Edward was so madly in love with his cigarette. And maybe because I couldn't get rid of the image how Edward was kissing Tanya. I bit my lip when I realized that could be the reason why I was annoyed. 'Goodbye.' I started walking towards school again. This was going to take forever.

It was only after ten seconds I deeply sighed and groaned. 'Will you please stop following me?'

'No.'

Again I groaned in frustration. But I stayed calm and asked, 'Why not?' He just had to talk more. Maybe then he would make sense to my poor brain, which was really making over hours whenever Edward was near me!

'Because I'm waiting for the point where you're too exhausted to take one more step, drag you to my car and take you home.'

I turned and gave him a if-it-were-only-that-simple look. 'Don't talk to me like you know me or know everything about me. Watch me walk all the way to school.' I turned and walked a little faster.

'Oh, I'm watching,' he muttered.

I ignored him and after a minute walking through the woods, I had no idea which way to go.

And the arrogant bastard behind me was only enjoying his cigarette. _Oh, why am I so terrible at finding roads?_

'Problems, Isabella?' he asked from behind me. His humour was back, I could hear it in his voice. He was standing too close, because I could smell the reeking smoke. I quickly walked on, not caring if I was heading the right way. _Burning calories, fine then._ I would find my way and I didn't need Edward for that.

He was following me again, but this time walked past me and walked in front of me. _Leading the way? _I only hoped.

He turned and smiled. It made me stop walking. I think I had a look of cranky on my face. That only made his smile grow. 'You're lost,' he accused. I tried to glare at him, but I was even too tired for that. I walked past him, making a big circle so I would avoid his cigarette smoke. He raised his eyebrows as I passed him and I continued. What else was there to do? Tell him _why yes I am lost, are you going to help me now or what?_ I rolled my eyes. I was being an idiot and if I knew it, Edward certainly knew that too.

'Why refuse my offer?' he asked, this time with no humour. He was really asking. I didn't have an answer to it, it was a perfectly fine offer. But then I quickly came up with a reason, just so he wouldn't think I was being stubborn.

'I wouldn't have my car to go to school tomorrow,' I said. That should be a good reason.

'No, that won't do,' he said.

I scowled and he walked next to me and looked at me. 'Do what?'

'That's won't do as a reason,' he said slowly. 'You must know I wouldn't let a girl take care of herself, when I know that I'm the one that brought her in the position she is in and that I will try to also get her out of the position?'

I gaped a little at him, because I just couldn't believe he just said that. I wanted to ask what position, but he was already talking.

'So, Bella, be the wise girl I know you are, and say the one word I want to hear,' he said, smiling again when he saw my astonished face. I watched him crush his cigarette on a tree and then drop it on the ground. I was looking at the dead cigarette and he cleared his throat after I think was a minute.

My brain was becoming one big mush and I had no idea anymore what the topic was what we were talking about. _Idiot _I hissed at myself. 'Which is?' I asked dumbly.

'Sweet Jesus, you are so easily distracted,' he said, throwing his head behind and then looking back at me. He looked at me in disbelief and shook his head to himself.

I glared again, because his accusation was somehow bothering. 'It's not my fault you're so-' I started but then shut my mouth and feeling like the biggest idiot. _See, why couldn't I just not talk and I would prevent feeling like such a moron right now?_

Edward waited for a second, his head cocked a little to the right and watching me with curiosity. _Shit. _'Please, don't stop now. What am I? So...what?' He scowled, trying to figure out. He didn't know what I had wanted to say and I intended to keep him in the shadows! He narrowed his eyes. No, no, was he figuring it out?

I looked in horror and he only was more curious. I shook my head as fast as I could. _Drop the subject, please, _I tried to say with my eyes.

'Continue,' he said, but it was said playfully, with no demand in his voice. 'Please?' _He even added please! God, pure torture, that's what this is! _I had a vague feeling that he knew exactly what I had wanted to say and was now teasing about it, knowing how uncomfortable it was making me. 'It can't be that awful.'

_Of course _he knew I was about to say it wasn't my fault that he's so hot. An amazingly, gorgeous, hot, sex God, never leaving a room with not every eye watching him the entire time, amazed at what they see.

_The sexy Edward Cullen. _Gorgeous in every possible manner. He could make it as a famous model having any girl he ever dreamed off.

_Even you?_

I jumped at the sound of my own voice in my head. No, why would he want me?

Shit, I was feeling a blush creep up my cheeks. No, no, no, he's walking toward me! He had a sly smile on his lips and when he stood in front of me, I stared like a caged animal, waiting for the one outside the cage to make a decision of what to do what the caged one.

He only shook his head and grabbed my shoulders and lightly shook me. 'You are killing me,' he whispered. 'If you only knew how much I want to...'

I looked at him with big eyes. 'You want to do what?' I asked. He smiled a mean little smile.

'See what I mean? Don't finish a sentence and you leave the other wonder what it was that they possibly wanted to say... And, still, you are killing me!'

I scowled, because that was what he was exactly what he was doing to me. What was I doing to him? Nothing at all.

'You are really going to be the death of me some day,' he murmured. I dropped my eyes and he instantly shook me. My eyes shot up again. His green eyes weren't leaving my terrified ones. 'I won't laugh,' he said seriously. _Shit, he still wanted to know. _I quickly looked around, trying to find an escape.

No escape possible. Only trees, a Gorgeous boy and a Weak girl that can't find it in her to shut her mouth.

'You've got every girl drooling over you.' And that's about all I said. I blushed deeply, staring intently at a tree, but I could see out of the corner of my eyes, that he was making a face.

'That doesn't sound right.'

That only frustrated me more. 'God, it _means_ you're hot!'

_SHIT! _I turned, punching myself internally at saying that out loud. I put my hand on my mouth.

He snorted. 'That's old info, sweetheart. But... if that's what distracting you, you're right... It's not _your_ fault.' He whispered the last part in my ear and I shuddered and instantly I lost balance. Edward had to put his hands on my waist and had prevented me from falling.

'I get interesting reactions out of you,' he said from behind me. 'Shudders and losing balances. I can't figure out if that's good or bad... And blushes.'

'Please, Edward,' I moaned as embarrassed as a girl could be. But at least he didn't laugh.

'Alright, alright,' he said, his hands creeping up my arms and before I knew it, his arms were around me, pressing me against him. 'Are you finally accepting my offer or do I have to persuade you some more?'

'_Oh, _is _that _what you were doing?' I asked, finding back my sarcasm and I grinned when he was quiet for a moment. I felt that his fingers went to my collarbone, lightly touching it and making a pattern, slowly going from right to the left, and back. It tickled and at the same time it felt so good.

My whole body shivered and he held my tighter when I was about to stumble on the ground again. My head felt back on his chest and his fingers went up, over my neck. His touch was light, but I felt it clear on my skin and he kept tracing patrons until he reached my lips. His touch made me shiver again. I was in a completely lost trance and my body loved it.

'You're not cold, are you? You keep shivering.' The voice behind me was talking nonsense.

'It's you,' I murmured. 'So good. Feels great.' My body had also taken control of my mouth and it was saying things on its on effort. Feelings I had never felt before, were creeping in my body. It was scary, because I didn't know what to think of those feelings.

I felt his breath on my neck and I was sure he would kiss me. I sighed in content. I was where I wanted to be, right? 'Bella, Bella, Bella, you shouldn't be so damn complying to me. Have you already forgotten who I am? Edward Cullen, the horrific person that I am? The cigarettes I smoke, the drugs I use and used, the way I have treated you in the past and today... Hurting you... even though it was against my own will.' He murmured the last part.

My eyes flew open when he was bringing back images with only his words. And that's when I got out of the trance and finally was able to think clearly again.

_Shit, what is wrong with me today?_

He was completely taking over my body with some light touches and I, like he said, was so damn complying! Shit, was I needy or something? I groaned and pushed myself out of his grip, even though he at first only held onto me tighter. Like he didn't want to let go of me... Yeah right, I was imagining things. I couldn't even trust my own instincts anymore. I didn't dare to turn and face him.

_I had just behaved like a damn slut! _What had been my plan? Let Edward fuck me on the grass, right here, right now? Was I crazy? It was only hours ago he had been kissing another slut!

I sniffled when I realized my stupid mistake. Or the mistake that I would have just made.

_If Edward hadn't warned me._

What is this? Do I own him a 'thank you for the warning' before taking my virginity now? I rolled my eyes at myself.

'Bella, talk to me,' he said softly, almost a whisper. 'Tell me what you are thinking.'

'I'm a slut,' I murmured, tears slowly dropping. 'Shit!' I wanted to punch myself. I wanted to ask Edward if he would punch some sense into me.

Edward came to stand in front of me with humour in his eyes. I glared trough the tears. There was nothing funny about the situation. He dried away the tears with his fingers, like it was the most normal thing to do. 'You're not a slut. Bella, I've known sluts and you are the opposite.' He laughed a little when he said, 'You're pure sweetness. Like sugar. Or honey.'

'My ass I'm sweet,' I murmured.

I heard his chuckle. 'It's okay to lust over someone, Bella. It's easily taken care of. Much, much more easier than loving someone.'

I gaped at him. _What? _'I'm not lusting,' I said in a tiny voice, looking at my feet. I made a face as my brain registered another part of what he had said. _Easily taken care of. _Sex, that was what he was talking about. I stared at him in confusion. He was only watching me very carefully, his eyes not leaving my face. 'What, shall I just grab a cigarette and lie down, smoking it while you are taking me in all ways possible?' I said loudly. 'Because I will!' I reached for his packet of cigarettes, which was in his pocket, but he stopped my hands. He held them tightly and I couldn't move them.

'You are upset,' he said carefully. 'I won't let you taint yourself.'

I looked at him like he was crazy. 'With a cigarette? Please, you wanted me to smoke in New York, what's the difference now?'

He looked momentarily taken aback until he reached for his pocket and pulled a cigarette out of the package. He lit it on and first took a drag himself. He was looking at me all the time. 'Fine, whatever, Bells. Here you go.' And he put the cigarette an inch away from my mouth. He eyed me carefully and I was feeling self-conscious. 'You do realize, Bella, you're about to do drugs. Nicotine _is _a drug.' The harshness in his voice made me too scared to even get near the cigarette.

I gaped a little, only because how angry he looked and what happened next, was that my lips touched the cigarette in that progress and he groaned. 'You really want this?' he said, looking at the cigarette in disgust. I wanted to scowl, say _no, I changed my mind_, but he was already grabbing my head and crushed his lips so hard on mine, that it hurt.

_What the hell just happened? _His lips were moving hard, fast and mine stayed still, dead, and I heard him groan again when I wouldn't comply. His teeth were in my bottom lip, hard, like the kiss had been and I gasped at the pain and I felt his tongue enter my mouth. I made high noises, but he only quickened his movement. It was then I tasted the smoke, the ashy taste. It was disgusting, really, and I wasn't exaggerating. _Yuck. _I put my hands on his chest and pushed him hard.

This kiss really scared me. This kiss was ferocity, hatred. This kiss was even, almost, revenge of something I did not know. Edward grabbed my hands and put them in one of his. His other hand crept on my neck, holding me in place and I opened my eyes, agonized. I pushed my head, kept pushing and I yanked at my hands.

It was no effort.

I could move nothing, nothing at all. Not my arms, not my legs, because somehow he had made sure of that too and not my head. When I felt his lips wanted to bite my lower lip again, I remembered something I had said to a police officer in New York. _I bite. _I still have my own teeth. Before Edward had time to know what I wanted to do, I bit into _his _lip, lower or upper, I had no idea, but I did know that it had nothing to do with pleasure. I bit hard and finally he let go and stepped back, touching his lips. He checked his finger but I hadn't bit him that hard, so he wasn't bleeding.

I wanted to run away from him. I couldn't stand him for even one more second. My legs gave up on me though and I sank on the ground, put my head on my knees and stared open eyed at nothing.

This kiss was hatred, pain and agonizingly long. I tasted blood and when I brought my fingers to my mouth and watched them, there _was _in fact blood on my lips. He _had_ bit me that hard.

'You're sick,' I hissed, but the anger changed and I started to sob on my knees in the middle of nowhere.

A drop of blood on my lip was rolling over my chin, slowly and I wanted to wipe it off, but I couldn't. Instead, it got mixed with teardrops.

I took several deep breaths. I've had enough of myself and Edward and enough of the combination him and me.

His voice made my had snap up. 'I know.' It was a low whisper and he was leaning against a tree with his head in his hands. He looked exhausted and... _worn?_ I was staring at him again, wondering what was going trough his sick head. At least he had made some distance between us. His eyes were suddenly on mine and then his face changed into one of total abhorrence. His face crumbled into disgust and my breath hitched. _Was he disgusted by me, now_? He came over to me in a hurried pace and I widened my eyes and put one of my feet up.

'Stay there!' I yelled, ready to kick him if he got near me. My voice shook and I was feeling petrified he might do it again.

He stopped immediately, and closed his eyes. I could here his fast breathing. For once I didn't care if he was alright. He'd done enough to me and if he was suffering right now, then I would gladly watch.

He dropped himself on the ground and watched me. His eyes looked so painful. _Good._

I shifted a little, and felt pain at some places of my body. I looked at my wrist and there were blue spots. I touched my cheeks and it hurt when I pressed too hard. The same went for the sides of my head, just above my ears. And my neck. Then pain was exactly the same as the one on my wrist.

And I knew that it was probably as blue as the blue spots on my wrist.

Those were all the places that Edward had laid his hands on.

'You're so sick,' I started. 'You've made me bleed and,' I stared at my wrist, 'blue.'

Edward didn't say a thing and when I looked at him, he had his hands at his temples and lightly rocking himself back and forth. 'I am so sorry,' he murmured.

I found strength to watch him for something what felt like an age and he just had his eyes wide open and staring into space. My guts were telling me that he had his mind on that kiss.

'Explain,' I demanded.

He shook his head and quickly said, 'The explanation is sick too, you don't want to hear.'

I wanted to throw something at him. 'I'm asking, aren't I? I'd rather want a sick explanation then not one at all.'

He looked up briefly, scanned my face and dropped his head again. I think he was cursing, but I couldn't hear it well.

'You wanted to smoke. I didn't want you to smoke. Instead I gave you a taste of cigarettes.'

I scowled, totally confused now. He had done that, just to prevent me from smoking, while in fact, there was a time, that he actually wanted me to smoke? I know what he meant with taste. I had tasted the disgusting ashy taste when he had kissed me. He glanced at me again and dropped his head and groaned. 'You're so fragile, I didn't how you'd end up bleeding and this blue, like you have just been in some fight.'

I tiredly closed my eyes. 'I _was_ in a fight.' I wasn't sarcastic. Not one moment went by, when I wasn't trying to figure out how to stop Edward.

He slowly brought up his head and our eyes locked again. He shook his head, his eyes were still looking like he was in pain.

'All of this... because you don't want me to smoke?' I asked, finding a little courage to continue talking.

'I'm trying to quit everyday, I just don't want you to be in such pain of wanting something so badly and then knowing you'll never be able to have her, because you've been a douche to her and caused her to look like Rocky.' He had talked so fast, with no stutter and so much shame, it made me stare at him.

I laughed once and quickly covered it with my hand. God, maybe I'm sick too, laughing after something so dramatic.

'What the _fuck _are you laughing at?' he said, his voice surprised and angry.

That made me burst into a laughter that I could not stop, no matter what. This felt so relieving. I laid on the ground and laughed hysterically. I caught his eyes and he looked at me like I had gone crazy.

'Can't you see?' I asked between my laughter.

'What?' he asked quickly, eager even.

'I don't know, actually. I thought you might. Why aren't you laughing?' I didn't know if he had heard me, because me laughing was hard and I had talked between laughter's.

Suddenly Edward was sitting in front of my and my laughter seized. I swallowed. I hadn't seen him move and suddenly he was in front of me. His hand came toward me in slow motion and I closed my eyes in fear, now. The laughing stopped and so did my breathing. His fingers went over my bottom lip and chin and then the back of his hand went over my cheeps. He withdrew his hand and I opened my eyes in time to see him wipe of his hand on his white shirt. It turned red from my blood and wet from my tears. He softly traced his fingers over my head now, at where his hands had been a few minutes ago, only now he was only touching it softly. He traced his fingers over my neck, scowling as he did. He took my hands in his and looked at my wrist. At last, he softly took my lower lip between his fingers, and he looked at it with narrowed eyes, but he didn't come closer.

'I didn't want you to taint yourself with a cigarette. Instead, I tainted you myself. If I knew that you were this fragile, I would have given you the whole packet to smoke.' He touched another bruise at my neck. 'I didn't know I was squeezing this hard,' he whispered.

'Great acting job,' I said. Wow, where had that come from? Because, I actually believed him. For the first time, I told myself that this wasn't a lie.

'I am not,' he said slowly, 'acting right now. I swear.'

He put his head in his hands again and sighed deeply and loudly. 'Bella, would you like me to call Jasper? He can bring you home.' His eyes were closed and his eyebrows were furrowed. I gasped when I _knew _he wanted my answer to be no. I just knew. The way he was trying to already take the hit of when I said yes.

I surprised us both with my answer. 'No.' He eyes went open, but the furrow remained. He looked shocked.

'Bella... please...' he said, each time trailing of.

'Edward, if you want me to understand you, you must articulate better,' I said amazingly sweet with a smile. When he looked with one raised eyebrow, my smile dropped. 'I think you messed my brain too,' I said between another fit of laughter.

'Shit,' he said, trying to reach for me, but then he just dropped his hand. 'Bella, are you okay?'

I laughed in response.

'You're in shock.'

My laughing increased.

'I should have never laid my hands on you,' he said softly. I looked at him trough teary eyes. I had laughed so hard, I hadn't noticed the pain on my lip. I softly rubbed it.

Then, suddenly he looked determined. I quickly looked away, because he hadn't seen me see that look on his face.

'I would understand if you wanted to leave now,' he said.

In response, I remained on the ground, lying there, looking at the black clouds.

'I want you to...' I started with a sigh, 'explain again.'

I felt his finger trace my neck. 'What will you say if someone asks you about them?'

'That I like it rough and kinky,' I said dryly.

'You're still in shock,' he accused.

'Well, maybe that will go away if you explain again. Only better now.'

'I'm so sorry, Bella,' he said, again those eyes looking painful.

I sat back up and slapped his face hard. _There. _'Edward, I forgive you. The wound will recover. The blue will go. And now,' when he brought his face back to mine, looking confused, I slapped him again, 'we're even. Okay? Would you, damn it, please, explain.'

For a moment, he did not say a thing. I was getting nervous. Had I gone too far? But not further then Edward had. 'I already told you,' he said, looking at me blankly. I shrugged. 'I just knew how much you hate the smell and I thought, when you wanted to smoke it, you would hate the taste more then the smell. So... I did that. Giving you another reason to hate it... to not start it.'

I scowled. 'I never wanted to smoke. You jumped to that conclusion. If you only waited a second, I would have stepped back like a coward.' I rolled my eyes and then smirked in the air. This whole thing was stupid.

'You... didn't? So all of that... for nothing?' he said in disbelief. I shrugged and since I was still looking in the air, I didn't know if he could see me. 'When someone steps back out of something that they at first wanted to do, they have more strength and courage then they might want to admit.'

'Jeez, thanks,' I murmured. I put my lower lip between my teeth, feeling it was bigger.

'And you forgive me, huh?' he said. 'How can you?'

'I keep telling myself this is the way you are,' I replied. He looked at me with big eyes, like he wanted to protest. 'Fake or real you,' I added with a shrug. He nodded once. 'Which one?'

He glanced up at me. 'One hundred percent fake, Bella.' He put his hand on my back and I looked up in alarm. 'This...' he said, lifting me up, 'is one hundred percent real.'

I looked lazily at the ground and he stood for a second, totally still. 'Aren't you going to protest?'

I cracked a smile and ended up looking at him. 'Please, Edward, put me down,' I said dryly, no convincing in my voice.

'No, Bella, you either like this or not,' he said, also dryly.

'Since I can't win any argument over you, why protest?' I asked.

'True,' he said. I stiffened. 'What?'

'Nothing,' I croaked out. Wasn't I weighing too much for him?

'You're as light as a feather,' he said, as if he had read my mind.

'Oh,' I mumbled. We reached his car and he let go of me.

He looked troubled. 'I can ask Jasper to take you.'

'You don't want to take me?'

'What? No-'

'Didn't you just say you would get a girl out of the position she's in, especially if you brought her in it?' I raised my eyebrows at him.

'Okay, I'll take you,' he snapped. He got on the car. I hurried in.

'I'm sorry, are you mad?'

He was trailing his fingers over the blood stains on the wheel.

'_Shit_!' I had forgotten about the damage I had caused in his car. 'I'll pay you. I'm sorry, but Jasper insisted on me driving. Just tell me how-'

'Shut up,' Edward interrupted me. I looked down scared and a little offended. 'No, not like that, Bella. I just meant, I don't give a shit, so drop it. Blood isn't foul to me. Talk about something else. You have a very talk active mouth today.'

He looked in my direction and gave me a teeth showing smile and I glared at him.

'Do you know where I live?'

'If I remember correctly, at the place with the thingy and where the streets are scary.'

He gave me a pointed look and I dropped my head and blushed. I always acted like an idiot around him and he kept reminding me of it.

'Small and scary,' he corrected himself. _God. _'You're funny. You look mortified.'

'Good luck finding it,' I threw at him. _He'll get lost._

I glanced at the clock. 10:36. I closed my eyes, but when I heard his car stop a little later, I still hadn't fallen asleep.

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes, was my house. _Damn it. _I glanced at the clock. 10:42. I groaned out loud. How did he do it? I pulled the car door open and hopped out. 'Shit!'

'What?'

'I think I left my bag at your house,' I murmured.

'Good think I'm coming here tomorrow morning then,' he said, closing his door. I then realized he had gotten out to.

'Ehm, what are you doing?'

He scowled. 'You tell me?'

'Why aren't you heading back home?'

'Where's your rooster?' he asked, ignoring my question.

'In my room,' I said slowly. 'Why are we talking about my dead rooster?'

He nodded once, again just ignoring my questions. 'I'll be right back.' He went to the house and looked under the flowerpot, where the extra key was. I gaped at him, while he unlocked and entered the house.

He took his time to get back and I was too scared to get into my own house and see what was keeping him. But then, he slowly made it, with the box and dead rooster in it. I looked at him, coming my way.

'What are you doing?' I asked.

He went to the back of his car with the box. I was frozen at my place. He opened the back of his car and pulled out a shovel. He did something else and I couldn't see what and I didn't bother asking. He was ignoring my questions anyway.

'I figured I'd help you with burying Jake, so it would be less hard on you, knowing you didn't have to do it all alone. It that okay?'

I nodded my head slowly and was grateful, actually, to have him here. He handed me over the box and I could already smell dead coming off of him. He needed to be buried fast. He held the shovel and waited. I looked at him and waited myself.

'Where do you want the hole?' he asked.

I looked around, seeing a little hill which seemed like a good place. I walked towards it and he followed me. 'Here?' he asked, putting the shovel on the ground. I nodded again. He started making a few feet deep hole and I sat down, at first watching him, but soon I pulled of the shirt and saw Jake. I reached over to touch him, and with my index finger I stroked his head. _Jake, I was suck a bad pet keeper. You didn't get any attention, even though you did mean so much to me. _I kept stroking and stroking, not sure if I would be able to stop.

I don't know how much time had passed, but I stopped stroking for a second and just watched him. Then, when I looked up at Edward, he was watching me, with sad eyes. 'I don't want your pity.' The words were out before I even knew it. His eyes went back to its normal self.

'I'm done,' he said. I walked on my knees over to the hole, pushed the box with me, and approved of how deep it was. I slowly put the shirt back over Jake and closed the box. I grabbed the top and slowly reached until the bottom of the box was touching the bottom of the hole. _Bye._

'Jake, I may not have known you, but you sure as hell were the luckiest rooster to have Bella as your keeper.'

I was shocked and surprised at his statement, which was false in so many different ways. I looked at the box. 'Jacob, I have failed you in every different way, didn't give you the attention you needed, didn't deserve you, but even though I didn't show you enough how much I love you, didn't mean that you didn't mean a lot to me. You have been my help these past few month and you're the reason I got through them. I thank you. Bye, bye.'

I couldn't look up at Edward, sure that he had a look of disgust on his face, knowing I had failed the damn animal. Just to do something, _anything, _I pushed my hands in the muddy sand and pushed it towards the hole. I started to cry. The sound it made when it touched the box was awful. I quickly continued, made it my job to keep doing it until the sand hill Edward had dug, would be back in the hole. I don't know how long it took me, but in the end, there was a little hill of sand and Jake was buried.

I could see Edward's shoes and I slowly looked up, to see him looking at me in awe.

'I'm horrible,' I said. Edward had a small, sad smile on his lips and dropped the shovel and came over to me. He dropped on his knees too and put my left arm around his neck, put his right arm on my back and his left arm under my knees, and just like that, I was in his arm again.

'Shh,' he whispered in my ear and then looked me in the eye. I cried harder and I wasn't aware what he was doing. He could be taking off all my clothes, for all I knew.

When the crying was lessening, I could finally watch my surroundings. I was definitely still wearing my clothes and I saw that we were in my own room. He was sitting on my bed with me on his lap. He had taken of his and my shoes. _When? _Had I gone that numb? 'I'm sorry I'm taking all of your time and ruining your clothes with my tears.'

He pulled me tighter to him and rested the top of his head on the side of mine. 'You really need to learn to shut up.' He laughed a little and even I was able to laugh too. But only a little. 'Bella, I'm sorry,' he murmured. His lips were on the side of my eye, distracting me like hell.

'What for, now?' I asked.

'This and that,' he murmured.

'Crystal clear,' I said, with much sarcasm in my voice.

'Ignorance is bliss, and you'll be ignorant for a day or two and then... not anymore,' he said.

We sat there for a few more minutes, until he suddenly stood up and put me on the bed. He pulled on his shoes, quickly and went to my door and just before he wanted to close it and leave, he glanced back and smiled. I was watching him with big eyes. 'I'll be right back,' he reassured. He closed the door and went down.

I closed my eyes and smiled when the door opened again. Some part of me hated it that I was glad that Edward was with me.

_No!_

I squeezed my eyes shut, because suddenly I realized exactly what Edward had just done.

He had brought food.

Slowly I looked at him, bringing two plates towards me. I swallowed and watched him in fear.

'Lunch time,' he said. I dropped my head in my hands at those words. He put the plates on my bed and sat on the opposite side of me. He took my chin and brought my head up, slowly closing the distance between us. I pushed my head back, making more distance.

'Did you eat that burger I told you to eat?' he said, raising his eyebrows. I dropped my eyes. I didn't want to eat.

'I can't do this!' I said with teary eyes, getting of the bed and heading to my window.

'Are we still at that phase?' he said and I heard the clear annoyance in his voice. He's saying I'm going trough a phase! I flinched when he touched my shoulder. He put his arms around me and I closed my eyes. I felt something press my mouth and knew exactly what he was doing. I squeaked and squirmed, but his grip tightened, so I dropped all of my weight, which would have resulted in us both falling, but Edward was too strong and was holding all of my weight in his arms now. 'You weigh nothing, Bella,' he almost hissed.

'Let go,' I said and he took his advantage of pushing the bread with cheese in my mouth and I took the bite, because there was nothing else I could have done. I chewed it in disgust and glared at the trees outside. This time I didn't say a thing.

'Stubborn girl,' he said and I gaped without thinking, when Edward took his advantage and pushed the bread again. This time I groaned and snatched the bread out of his hand. I knew what I would do. I ate it in less then a minute and went to my plate and pushed that bread in my mouth too, finishing it in seconds. 'Bella?' he asked with concern. He wasn't getting my attention now. My attention was on the food and I grabbed Edward's bread as well and finished it in no time. I went to the toilet and pushed my finger in my throat, loudly getting it all out again. Once I was done, I went back to him and glared at his shocked face.

'Are you crazy, Bella?' he said. 'What is this all about?' He was talking very loudly now, barely containing his anger. 'What is this you are doing and what the hell for are you doing it? This anorexia issue has gone way too far!'

'I ate, didn't I? So what is your problem?' I asked, throwing his words in his face. And then I remembered. 'You knew where our spare key was. You avoided my questions. You went into my house without asking first if you were allowed! You went to my room! And I don't want you around anymore!'

He nodded. 'I know.' He went to the door and glanced at me for a second. 'I'll be here at a 7:45 with your bag. Until then.' He left, silently closing the door.

'And you kissed _me_ after you kissed _Tanya_!' I screamed at the closed door. 'Is that your idea of a joke?' I whispered at myself, 'Yeah, go kiss Bella, because she is the joke of the year, here in Forks.'

When I heard his car leave, all I could do was exercise. I did sit-ups, ran up and down the stairs, jumped until my hearth couldn't absolutely take it anymore and I dropped on the floor and closed my eyes.

It was late when I woke and I had fallen asleep on the floor in my room. I was freezing, the sweat on my body was getting cold, so I ran to the bathroom for a hot shower.

With no energy what so ever, I pulled on a shirt and sweats with my eyes closed and got into bed with my hair wet, sleeping restlessly.

The next morning, I missed the sound that woke me up everything. I really missed it. I glanced out the window, at the place where Jacob was resting now.

'Bella?' Charlie called from behind the door.

'Come in,' I said. The door opened slowly.

'I didn't want to wake you last night, but, where is the rooster?' he asked.

I pointed at the little hill outside and Charlie came to look. When he knew what I was pointing at, he stopped breathing for a moment.

'He died? You buried him?'

His eyes were big when I glanced at him and I shook my head. 'Edward did most of the job.'

'I'm sorry, did you say _Edward_?' he asked.

'Dad, please,' I said. 'I can't talk about him now.' My voice was sounding awful and I only hoped that Charlie wouldn't hear the hurt in it. He was quiet for moment.

'Bella,' he said, turning my body in his direction. He scanned my face and neck. 'You look like-'

'Rocky, I know,' I interrupted.

'Bella! That's not funny! What happened?'

'Please, I can't talk about that, really.'

'Are you alright? Would you like to call in sick? Bella! What happened to your hands?' I looked at him and he was looking, for the first time, I guess, at my hands.

'I can't talk about that either...'

'And would you mind telling me where your car is?' he asked. His voice was getting the demanding kind it gets when parents can't get the truth out of their children.

'At school.'

'Why?'

I sighed. 'I can't say.' Because, in the end, also that as to do with my hands, my bruised and Edward.

'Jeez, Bells. I miss the real Bella.'

'Real?' I asked, scowling and I turned to look at him.

'This isn't Bella,' he said, pointing at me. He was already wearing his police uniform, but for the first time since I had been back here, I felt like I was really talking to my Dad. 'This is eating disorder Anorexia who is talking to me. Bella would have _wanted _to talk to me about the rooster, her hands, her car, her injuries... and Edward. No matter how bad the things are. I know something is bugging you and I can't force you to tell me. But I hope there is someone to who you can talk to. Right now, I don't care if that person turns out to be Edward.'

'I told you, I don't want to talk about Edward.'

'You did and I also see that there are feelings you have for the kid,' he said, raising his eyebrows.

'I don't,' I said, pulling up my lips in disgust. 'He shows no respect, all he ever does is smoke and have mood swings.' Bruise me, make me bleed...

'Even you, Bella, can look through that.' Would he say the same if he knew Edward had caused the injuries? 'I can't stand to watch you die and lose yourself to something that is so powerful. We don't talk a lot, Bella, but you still are my daughter and Renee still remains your mother. We love you both. Don't forget that.'

At the mention of Renee, my eyes started to water. 'Renee doesn't care. She treats me like... not a daughter...'

'Bella, she loves you but hates you for having something that she can't protect you from, because you already have it. She doesn't hate you directly, but anorexia. She hates seeing you die, too. She sent you to me, _to me, _Bella. You know about Renee and me, we didn't get along, even just after the marriage and still she decided that I was an option too. She wants you better. She wants Bella, not an eating disorder.'

I glanced outside, at Jake.

'You can't say it, can you? Admit the eating disorder?'

I shook my head, crying tears in front of my Dad.

'Please, I need to be left alone. Please, Dad.' I felt him kiss my hair and leave my room.

I glanced at the sky, feeling worn. What a tiring conversation for so early in the morning. I blocked it out immediately. I didn't care what he thought.

When I looked at the clock, I hadn't even realized that it was thirty past seven and I was wondering if he would really be here in less then fifteen minutes. I wore a thin sweater with jeans and sport shoes. I would freeze, but I didn't mind. I wanted to write something in my diary, but didn't get a chance because someone was already calling downstairs.

I froze. He was ten minutes early and I slowly went to the window to see that it was indeed him. I couldn't help but think about yesterday, and when I did, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to be pissed of or glad.

He rang again and I started to move. When I reached the door, I opened it, not looking at him and I went back to the kitchen. I sensed something was wrong. But what?

I heard him walk behind me and then the sound of my bag hitting the floor. I didn't turn. He put something on the table rather loudly. Instead of watching him, I said, 'I'll be right back.' I ran up the stairs, praying I wouldn't fall, and if I did, it would be a fast, painless death.

I survived and _needed _my diary, but when I looked at the nightstand, it wasn't there. I walked over there, scowling, wondering where I had left if. I looked under the bed and in the drawers, but it was nowhere.

Again my instincts told me something just wasn't right.

I swallowed. Charlie did have a very deep conversation with me this morning. Did he read my diary? Because that would explain a lot. I didn't want to feel angry though, not yet, because maybe I just wasn't looking well enough and it was still somewhere in my room. I went to the bathroom and for the first time, saw myself in the mirror. I was looking at a ghost with a few blue bruises. They weren't bad, actually. My lips was busted in the middle, but it could have been worse. I put on some mascara, black eye pencil and pink lip gloss. I had never put this much make up on and my eyes were very black and my lips very glossy and just a little pink.

I took a deep sigh and went to Charlie's room, just to quickly look around. But I couldn't find it under his bed, in his drawers or in his closet. It was eight o'clock and I had left Edward downstairs for twenty five minutes now. That should have been a punishment for him for how he behaved to me yesterday.

My journey downstairs was slow and each step was carefully taken. With my eyes on the ground, I walked toward the kitchen door. 'We should go,' I said.

'In a minute,' he answered. I slowly turned, to see him sitting low in the chair, resting his back on the wall. One foot was resting on the edge of the chair and one elbow was on the table and the other on top of the chair. His eyes were watching me intently and he was looking very boyish the way he was sitting.

'For what?' I asked. He nodded towards something on the table and then his eyes were on mine again.

I deeply sighed and walked towards the table, closer to him. My eyes landed on my diary, open on the table and I gasped. I gaped at him, but he didn't show any sign of emotions. I had stopped dead in my tracks, but was close enough to read something at the bottom of the page, beneath my last message. And what was written there, was not written in my handwriting. This one was elegant, a little steer and had smaller letters.

_Seriously? Purge bile and blood? Dying when you reach an impossible goal? Are you really serious, Bella? Are you weighing 88 'fat' pounds?_

I stared at his words and then my eyes landed on my own messages. I felt betrayed. He had read it, all of it. Each one of my thoughts. All the private things. I couldn't even look at him. I ran towards the door and yanked it open and at the same time running into it, because it didn't open. I was able to keep myself up and Edward had stood up and watched me for a second.

'Ignorance is-' he said.

'Give me my key, jerk!' I screamed.

'Bliss,' he ended.

I lunched forward, pushing his chest. 'Liar, last night I was on you and all the time you had my diary!'

'I never lied, since you didn't ask me if I had your diary. I simply apologized for something I was going to do after I left your place. I was reading all night, I kept reading it over and over.' I screamed, blocking his voice and I hit with my fist on the door.

'Give me the keys, now!' I yelled.

He handed them and I snatched them out of his hand. I found the key and tried pushing it in the lock, missing it a few times.

'I was angry at you, the whole time I was reading. But each time when I finished and started again, a little of that anger was turning into acceptance. And understandment.' The key finally entered the lock and I was able to turn it. 'I believe you have anorexia with bulimic tendencies and you will die within the next month if you proceed like this.'

All of that shit that I had written down, and he read! No restraint, no control, he just read it and came over here to throw all of it in my face. 'Fuck yourself, Cullen!' I yanked the door open and ran into the woods. My breath was already hitched and my heart was pounding in my chest. He was running behind me and I knew that he could at any time catch up with me and stop me.

However, he didn't and I kept running. I was sobbing and strangled voices were escaping me.

I think this was the most embarrassing thing he had done to me.

'Ana,' he said, his voice loud and clear. He was also awfully close.

'Ana, why?' I briefly closed my eyes and he was catching up with me. He stopped me by putting his hands on my arms and he turned me around. He pressed my back against a tree and grabbed my face very softly. My eyes landed on his. Mine felt dead, heavy and his looked mournful and wretched.

'Why are you lying, Ana?' he said, looking at me and at the same time, looking right trough me. 'In God's name, why do you make her believe all of your lies? How come your voice brings her on her knees every day, begging for your mercy? Why are you saying this,' he touched my stomach with his free hand, 'is beautiful? Why are you hurting her with these lies, Ana, why? Why do you make her feel guilty about everything she eats? Why would you torture her with your lies? Why don't you want her to have any friends? Why are you making her lie to her father and her mother?' He stopped for a second. 'I can't forgive you. I can't forgive myself. I can't take it anymore. There will be a day that she'll be happy again. That the bones won't stick out of her skin. That she'll be at the beach with no shame. There will be a day, I promise you.'

I didn't know quite sure what my face was looking like, but Edward let go of me and whispered, 'And I'm promising you too, Bella.' I averted my eyes and he sighed. 'Reading your diary was the worst thing I have done to you and it was the best thing that has happened to me.' I wanted to shrug him off, but I wasn't quit sure if it would be useful. He would just follow me again. 'You opened my eyes and half of your diary wasn't written by you. It was written by Ana. The voice in your head. The eating disorder anorexia, also know as Ana.' I gasped and my eyes couldn't look anywhere but him. His intense green gaze was all that I was looking at. I think his eyes softened at some point, but I couldn't be sure.

'I would understand if you wanted to stay here for the rest of the day. I can go to school and call you in sick.'

I was looking from right to left, confused at the many happenings that had only taken place this morning. First Charlie. Then Edward that had read my diary and then Edward calling the voice in my head Ana and was referring to me as 'her' and not 'Bella'.

'There's a message in your diary,' he said softly. 'I hope you don't mind I wrote in it. Read it now, if you like.' He nodded his head towards the house, silently telling me to go. My legs found strength again to walk towards the house and I slowly walked. When I was halfway there, I glanced back. Edward had his back towards me and hadn't come after me. I started walking faster and I reached the front door, which Edward had left open. I walked into the kitchen and read the same lines that Edward had written. I sat down and slowly turned the page.

I sighed.

_If only there was a way for me to turn back time. I would have treated you better. I wouldn't have mocked your sickness. I would have done the things Carlisle wanted me to do. If only._

_Bella, I feel like I, in some way, have let this sickness take you over even more. Let Ana get to you. I did so much research about anorexia only, last night. Did you know that there are more then 15 ED's? And then I also did some research about bulimia... You know why, if you think back about yesterday._

_You have fallen for lies and those same lies are going to stop your heart one of these days. I hate myself for saying to you that anorexia is not real - the opposite is true and you must acknowledge that. Because if you don't, I won't forgive you for dying._

_I also realise that I must let you go. You need someone nice and kind and someone that will treat you well. Mike is all of that, give him a shot. He could fix you. I can't, because that kind of a relationship requires trust and you don't have that in me. With, of course, many good reasons._

_I love you. That's why I have to go. I am sorry for leaving like this. This abruptly. Please don't cry for how I betrayed you. What I read is something I won't tell anyone. I respect your privacy. I'll be gone and I can't tell for how long and I'm not even sure where I'll go._

_Get well (from all that I did to you). Be happy (with whomever you want to be). You deserve it (so incredibly much)._

_I promise this won't be the last you'll see of me. When you are well again, we'll meet again. I'd love to see you happy. I want to see your smiling face._

_Many sweet kisses,_

_Edward Anthony Cullen_

_PS. Until then._

He left? I stood up and when I looked outside of the window, his silver Volvo was gone. I hadn't heard him turn it on. He had left me. It was no joke. And... he believed in anorexia? I went back to the chair and read it again. And I kept reading it until my tears blurred the view.

He loves me.

Not enough to stay with me. But enough to leave me.

I wanted to go after him. Demand to tell me the truth. If he loves he, he can say it in my face. And then he can leave.

But the boy had played well, I had to admit. I didn't know when he had decided that he wanted to leave town, but he had made sure I wouldn't be able to follow him.

After all, my car was still at school and my legs weren't that fast.

_So he didn't want me to go after him._

That thought depressed me. Maybe this was for the best. After all, he was the smart one.

I picked up my diary when my eyes had some strength again to stop crying. I flipped trough a few pages and was staring at words that weren't the ones that I had just read and also weren't mine. I gaped as I turned the page and I kept turning them until I turned the last page and slowly closed the diary.

He had written the whole diary full. I counted how many pages were left and in total there were still thirteen pages.

Thirteen pages, written by Edward, his thoughts exposed for me to read. I put my hand on my mouth and was completely dazzled.


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer's characters

**A/N: **IS THIS A FAST UPDATE OR WHAT ?

So I have a problem... I don't know if I have made a huge mistake, you know, like I've forgotten something to add or remove, or else this chapter doesn't make sense with the previous chapters. If I have made a stupid embarrassing mistake, please say so!

BTW you could consider this a Edward POV chapter ;).

Also, my grades at school are very poor :O But the next few weeks will be study time, or else I won't make it and that just can't be an option! To say how poor: I have 8 subject, and only 2 of those 8 grades are sufficient... so you get how screwed I feel :(

* * *

**Story**

I turned the page and gasped... and rolled my eyes, but couldn't prevent a little smile.

_Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. . Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella._

_Yeah, I know what your thinking. And I wanted to let you know what I was thinking of. What? *Sarcasm* You still don't know what I'm thinking of? Well, dear Isabella, just turn the page back._

He really is a dork. And I had to read on.

_Okay, now serious. Because, there's nothing funny about it all. I'm definitely not laughing or even smiling as I am writing this. And neither should you._

My smile disappeared, for some reason. He sounded serious and somewhere in me, a small bit said that he was right.

_If I would take your blood, I'd see that there's no more red blood cells to transport oxygen. I would see that the white's have completely taken over, because your body is like one big infected thing. If I would cut you open, I'd see that your heart is smaller then it should be, because it's shrinking, eating itself away, right now too. It's beating irregular and slow, trying to keep your organs - and you - alive by just beating in it's slow pace._

_I bet you have no more periods each month and if you do, I pray to God you are still fertile. I don't care if you say you don't want any children, because every woman should at least have the ability. If you do want children, I'll still be praying, as should you be._

_You probably thinking why I talk about God so much? Frankly, that's all that I can do for you, Bella, pray. Clinics haven't been able to heal you, Carlisle not, your mother not, your father not, I not... God is my last hope and if you die, I'll blame you and God... maybe after a while I'll just blame you, because my faith in God would have been crumbled away by that time, for not saving you._

_A little faith never killed anyone._

_You're not good at not eating. You are not having control over losing weight. You've lost control. This is not being good at it, this is, in fact, obsessed by it._

_By something so meaningless. You've got boys drooling over you. You just don't see it, because that cloud in front of your eyes, named Ana, is making you blind. You see something in the mirror that isn't there - why would I lie?_

_You want to know what you're good at? I'll tell you. Kissing. And having absolute strength to survive, really. After all that I did to you, and then James, and Tanya, and Jessica, and Ana, you are still breathing. I'm impressed and girls don't impress me easily._

_About the heart attack. _I made a face. Was he bringing that up?_ Don't make that face, because there's something you should know. If you die, I die. I'll die. And then you'll have a death on your conscience. Look, you're beautiful, and you want to know something else? Even James saw that. He's cruel, but the boy had a brain to know that. As for Tanya and Jessica, they're jealous of your looks._

_I have a funny, ironic story for you._

_Here, it goes something like this, if I remember it well, because my mind is also clouded, but by something else entirely._

_xx_

_A five year old boy was sitting in the living room, watching television when the doorbell rang. It couldn't have been his parents yet, who had gone out for dinner. It was there seven year anniversary. The babysitter, a fifteen year old Rosalie, got up and opened the door and in came a man. When the boy saw the man's face and the fancy uniform he was wearing, he instantly knew something was wrong._

_Call it instinct, if you like._

_He whispered something into Rosalie's ear and she threw her hands to her face, gasped and then cried._

_'Will you tell him?' She only shook her head, sunk trough her knees and put her head on the ground. Her body shook and it looked like she was in immense pain. The information was dreading the boy already. Expectantly, he looked at the police officer._

_'Edward, my boy, I'm Chief Swan...' he was hesitant and the boy froze. He glared at the man._

_'Fuck you!' the five year old said. His first curse that tainted him. 'I don't care, fucktard!' His second curse._

_The babysitter pushed her head up to look at the boy, first shocked at the forcefulness of his curses, but then burst into another crying fit. Chief Swan's eyes widened and he stepped forward to take the boy in his arms. The boy kicked at first and pushed with his fist but Chief Swan pressed the little boy in his grip and hushed him down. 'This will calm you down, Edward. Breath, son. It's okay to feel pain. It only means you care and that you lost something valuable. You're parents were valuable people. They loved you and you loved them.'_

_He shushed the boy again when he whimpered and pressed him tightly against him._

_'I can't breath, stupid!' the boy yelled. He showed no sign of pain and let no tear drop._

_'You can, but you're hurt.'_

_'My God, Edward,' Rosalie said. She went forward to take him in her arms, but he punched his fist in her face. She looked shocked again and she and Chief Swan exchanged glances. Then, Rosalie looked at the boy again and her eyes hardened just a little and she took him in his arms and held his hands, so he wouldn't punch her again._

_'Hold him tightly against you,' Chief Swan said._

_'Why?' Rosalie asked, but doing as she was told. The boy was again pressed tightly._

_'It could work to calm him down. He's in denial. He doesn't want to acknowledge his parent's death.'_

_The boy stopped breathing and stared into space. 'Edward?' Rosalie said, loosening her grip. The boy couldn't move. He felt something over his cheek roll down. He felt Rosalie's finger wipe it off and she cried herself. She kept repeating his name and the boy cried loudly. Suddenly he was pressed again tightly by Rosalie and it felt like hours that they were sitting there. Or standing._

_He can't remember._

_But when he was somewhat conscious again, he was glad he wasn't alone. With him were still the same two people. He got out of Rosalie's arms and stood on his own two feet. __That day changed his life. He swore every day. He punched all the weaker kids in the orphanage. He had friends that would take over his habit of swearing and hitting, so he was usually locked up in his room for 'bad behaviour'. One day, a man and a woman walked in the room. He was holding his second cigarette - nine years old he was. His first he had smoked the previous day._

_He had it lit on and took a drag. The man grabbed the cigarette out of his fingers and threw it out of the window. The woman looked shocked at the boy._

_'They did say...' she started slowly._

_'That I'm not a sweet, caring, funny, decent little mommy's boy?' the boy said sarcastically. He turned his glare to the man. 'Are you crazy, it took me forever to finally get a cigarette. You own me one now.'_

_'With some therapy-' the woman started towards the man._

_'Been there, done that,' the boy said, walking over to the woman. 'Look, go adopt Jimmy, he's cool. You'll like him.'_

_'You mean that kid with glasses?' the woman said surprised. His first little crack of not being a complete ass, but he quickly filled it up. He wasn't going to break open and be sweet and caring. 'Yeah, you'll have a son that will come home crying every day after school because he's being picked on by everyone. Ha ha.' The boy laughed, a little fake._

_The man raised his eyebrows. 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'_

_The boy froze. He had always wanted to be a doctor. No doubts. He decided it wouldn't hurt to say the truth about this - namely because nobody had ever asked him about it. 'Doctor.'_

_He smiled at the boy and stepped forward. He gave his something and the boy took it in shock._

_'It's a-'_

_'I know what it is,' the boy snapped. 'What idiot doesn't know what a stethoscope is?'_

_'A nine year old...' the man replied slowly. 'You're pretty clever for your age.'_

_He put the bits in his ear and pressed it against his heart. It was beating slow. The man bent down and pushed his shirt down. 'Wanna hear a beat that isn't yours?' he almost challenged. The boy narrowed his eyes and put the end on the man's chest. His was almost as slow as his own._

_'Sweet,' the boy said. Then he looked at the woman who had a look of something in her eyes. She bent down and gave him access to her heart too. He was at first hesitant and the woman challenged him with her eyes. He smiled as he put it on her heart and looked surprised._

_'Wow,' he said, leaving it there and listening at her frantic heartbeat._

_She pushed something in his free hand. A paper. The famous looking paper that he never got. He dropped the stethoscope._

_'You don't want me,' he said, pushing the paper back._

_'We've already agreed,' the man said._

_'Now the choice is up to you,' the woman said. She pushed his hand back._

_'Fools,' he said, looking a little panicked. Nobody ever wanted him. Why would there be exceptions... for him?_

_He looked at the paper. He saw that there was a signature and read the names Esme and Carlisle Cullen._

_Edward... Cullen. Edward Masen. He looked up. Was the new last name a fit?_

_'Alright...' he said. __He sat on the bed._

_'You don't have to stay here, anymore,' Carlisle said. 'You can come straight away.'_

_The boys eyes widened. 'Really?' They nodded. At that, he grabbed his bag and pushed his very few items in it. Emse's eyes landed on the three books._

_'I don't want those,' he said before she could ask. 'I already know them.'_

_And then he turned. They both put up their hand, for him to take. He walked past them and opened the door, not taken a hand._

_They drove for hours and the boy did not know how long. All he knew was that he felt a pang of disappointment. He didn't want to leave his hometown. New York._

_There was one thing he would miss most and that was the roof of an old building where he used to go with Rosalie. He loved that about Rosalie, because his parents had forbidden her to take him to that roof, but she always brought him._

_If someone would have told him that someday he would be taking a girl up their, other then his babysitter, he would not have believed it. It was his and his alone._

_He was brought to a rainy town Forks. The house was big, bigger then the onces his parents owned. There he saw a girl._

_She stood up and ran into him and they both fell on the ground. She laughed like a little maniac and the boy looked up, a little afraid. Carlisle laughed but then cleared his throat. 'This is Alice, our little Miss Sunshine._

_'Ehm... Get off of me,' the boy said._

_The girl laughed and stood up, grabbed his hands and hoisted him up. She put her arms around his shoulders and hugged him, 'I love you.' She giggled as she gave quick hugs to Esme and Carlisle and ran up the stairs. 'Emmett, Emmett, come down, he's here!' She screamed and then laughed._

_'We adopted her when she was three. She's seven now and has ADHD.'_

_'That means-' Carlisle stared._

_'I know,' he interrupted, rolling his eyes and looking up at Carlisle. 'Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.'_

_A boy ran downstairs, wearing a Linkin Park shirt. He liked the guy already._

_'What's your name?' was the first thing he asked._

_'Edward.'_

_'Our name starts with the same vowel. Cool!'_

_'Emmett, show him his room and don't bother him if he doesn't want to be around you two.'_

_'Come on!' he said, pushing him towards the stairs._

_The boy sighed and went up. He had a big room that had everything in it, really._

_'We'll be downstairs. You'll meet Jasper in the evening, he has a swimming match.' He looked down the stairs. 'Wait!' He ran downstairs. 'Don't go yet.'_

_'I gotta go! I said mom I'll be home as soon as Mr. and Mrs. Cullen were here, Emmett,' a girl's voice said._

_'Five more minutes,' Emmett pleaded._

_'He's in love with Bree,' Alice whispered from behind him._

_'No,' Esme said, 'like Bree said, she must go. Thank you so much for looking after them.'_

_'They're both gorgeous, call me whenever you need me again,' she said._

_'Emmett loves Bree, Emmett loves Bree!' Alice screamed as she ran downstairs and Emmett ran behind her._

_'I do not!'_

_The boy couldn't laugh. He didn't eat that day. He only stared at the ceiling and that was the last time he cried._

_For about two years, Emmett's happiness and Alice's laughter had been able to change him a little. Jasper was a neutral boy._

_He was in 4th grade. They were in 2nd._

_Only, when he went to the 6th grade and wasn't at the same school as Alice and Emmett were, he started his 3rd cigarette. And many more after that._

_In the 7th grade, age 12, he met Aro, Caius and Marco. At lunch break, they went behind the school building where nobody would see them. Out of his pocket, Aro pulled out a plastic bag with white powder. Keta, he said. After they blowed it, they gave him a go. 'You'll love the feeling.' He blowed it too and after only five minutes, the pain left his body fully for the first time and left him staring at the boys. The were all in their own haze and enjoyment._

_A few weeks later, they had the same white stuff, but this gave him a different effect._

_He was active. He could think clearly. He was in the mood again to just do stuff. He loved the stuff and used it many times for many months. It was cocaine. Also the reason why it gave him other effects then when he used keta. Only thing that fucked him hard, was when it was wearing off. Each time it made him feel only more miserable._

_Coming down from your high is the worst part of using it in the first place. Every time when he was coming down, he stayed at the parties until five, six, until he'd come undone. He just didn't want any one of them to see him like that._

_Usually he lied his way perfectly, saying he would be at Aro and Aro would say the same to his parents, that he was sleeping at his place. It worked perfectly for their wild life._

_One night, when he was walking home, he was stopped by a police officer._

_'ID, please,' he said._

_'Haven't got it,' he said, not turning around to face him. He had grown quite an attitude for his age._

_'Stop,' he said, putting his hand on his shoulder and turning to the boy. The boys eyes widened._

_There was a face he would never forget._

_'Chief Swan.'_

_'Edward?'_

_'Fuck off.'_

_'Edward, wait. What are you doing on the streets at this time?'_

_He knew he had to ditch him, or he would find out that he had been doing drugs. He had the familiar feeling again of the heroine losing its perfect work._

_It was no use. He had had already found out. He had looked him in the eye and knew it by then. 'Where do you live?'_

_He gave the man his address and then Carlisle and Esme locked him up in his room for days. He had shivered, screamed and cursed, but his addiction was gone. His first rehab, there in his own room._

_Even though they had done something to him that he needed in order to lose the addiction, they still didn't form a normal conversation for weeks._

_He made that year, but only barely._

_In 8th grade, age 13, he used meth. Aro had given it to him._

_He wasn't stupid and found himself throwing the rest of it away. For the first time, he'd thrown drugs away. He knew the effect it would have on him after a while. And having that knowledge... that must have given him the strength to throw good stuff away. He smoked his way trough most of the days._

_High school started, he was in 9th grade (first time). Age 13-14. He found some comfort in alcohol. The dudes Aro, Caius and Marcus always joined him._

_That year he didn't pass the next class. He had to do it again. It wasn't like he wasn't capable of making the year. He just skipped classes most of the time, so he never had the time to make the tests in order to pass._

_He was most of the time ignoring Esme and Carlisle and they ignored him. Alice, Jasper and Emmett weren't much part of his life, either, anymore._

_Then, in the 10th grade (first time, age 15-16), Aro gave him heroine again. Said that it looked like he needed it._

_The boy kept it for weeks, not knowing if that was something he wanted to start again. Eventually, he did started it again and met a girl at a party. While he was on drugs, they had sex. Two virgins, losing it to each other. The combination of the drug and sex was amazing. He knew most part of loving sex, was because the drugs made it all a thousand times better._

_After a while, he stopped heroine. But that made him explode. He OD'd and almost killed himself that night. When he woke up, he was told a certain girl had found him and called emergency. The girl had saved his life and was by his bedside in less then 15 minutes after he had woken up._

_She said that her name is Tanya and that he had had sex with her. He couldn't believe it. He tought he would never see the chick again. To his surprise, she said she wanted to do it again - this time she wanted to be the one on drugs, wanting to experience what effect it had on her when she had sex._

_The boy agreed._

_Esme and Carlisle were furious. Chief Swan was at the hospital too, a look of confusion on his face. 'I have never met someone that is so traumatised by the death of his parents.'_

_'I'm not!' the boy said._

_'Nobody ever told you how they died, did they?' he started. 'A drunken driver hit their car. Drunk. When people are on drugs, they do weird things. Most of the time, they don't even remember. You probably know.'_

_Now the boy was furious. 'What is your fucking problem? You think you know everything? Go back to fucking New York!'_

_'No. And there's something I'd like to give to you.' He handed him a piece of paper._

_It was his parent's last will and testament. He had inherited their house and all of their money._

_He gasped when he saw the amount._

_'They had done a lot of savings,' the Chief said. 'It in the bank now. There's a phone number on it, if you ever have any questions.'_

_He threw the will and testament in his room when he got there. He was only allowed to receive all of that, once he turned 18. His parent's rule._

_Eventually, the only good thing about Tanya, was her mouth. She didn't mind, so why should he? The rest of that whole year, he had the two most fucking important thing he wanted. Heroin and Tanya with her working mouth._

_The 10the grade (second time, age 16-17) sucked. He had again an addiction. More he got from Aro. And more he used. He had missed it, though. Didn't regret his use again._

_When he started it, soon Esme found out herself and she sent him to a rehab clinic for three weeks._

_If those were his three best or worst weeks, he still doesn't know. When he went back home, just before he wanted to rang the bell, he heard Esme._

_'-handle. It's getting too much. It also influences Alice and Emmett, you know it. And Jasper and you. You can't stand it at times, either. Sometimes... I just wish we never adopted him. He has bits and pieces of good in him, which at some moment we see. And then I can see some life and light in his life. But most of the time, his life is like a night with a new moon. And that scares me.'_

_She had stopped and the boy rang the bell. He went straight up and didn't bother to see the look on their faces. Emmett and Alice were having a pointless argument and stopped when they saw him. He walked past them, into his room. Jasper had left a note on his bed._

_Edward,_

_We're here, you know that, right? Glad your back. Hope your feeling better._

_- Jasper_

_All that he could think of, were the words of regret of his adoption._

_Then again, he could understand._

_He didn't make that year. Most of the time, he would do nothing. Life drained out of him. He couldn't eat for days sometimes. He couldn't cry, because he had vowed never to do that again. Then, he couldn't go to school. He would sit somewhere and sulk. Pathetically._

_One day, Esme and Carlisle stayed home with him. He felt dead inside and couldn't tell them to leave him alone - for some part, because he didn't want them to go. He hadn't had human contact for almost 8 months and they both drew a arm around him. Casually. Like it wasn't ignoring time. Esme was crying a little. Carlisle had a sad look on his face. Happy seventeenth birthday, they said to him. He stiffened. 'You forgot', they had said, 'but we haven't'._

_They gave him a key. His eyes widened. Never had he thought... 'It's the only thing we knew you would like. Besides, my boy doesn't turn seventeen every day' and the boy was speechless. He couldn't remember how they knew he wanted a silver Volvo S60R. He couldn't remember if he had ever said it. Maybe once when he was influenced by drugs or alcohol. The shame to ask was too big._

_Carlisle himself taught him how to drive and for a while, that was his new hobby. He escaped the police many times, but instead of being stopped, the tickets were sent home. To Carlisle's and Esme's big annoyance._

_But the boy didn't care, because in less then a few month, he would have enough money to pay for it._

_Sometimes he did stop and had to face the man he for some reason couldn't like. He didn't know why the man was in Forks and didn't bother asking him why he wouldn't piss off back to New York._

_To piss off Chief Swan, he usually sped up when he was near him, giving him a wave or whatever. Yeah, he knew he was pissing him off, but he was pissed off himself. He blamed the man for the death of his parents._

_Once, he blindly walked into a queue for cigarettes. He grabbed two packets and waited until it was his turn. He realised that in front of him was standing no one but Chief Swan. He had been looking at the boy for some time now._

_'I have a daughter.'_

_'Congratulations.'_

_'She doesn't live with me, but with her mother. I haven't seen her for years now. Still, I don't blame Renee, ever.'_

_After a moment, he added._

_'Cows need to be calmed down before they are slaughtered. Chutes apply tight pressure on their body and that decreases their heart rate. The same goes with humans, sometimes.' They stared at each other. Memories that the boy wanted to keep in the back of his head, were forming images in front of his eyes. He blinked, broke eyecontact._

_The boy quickly left after he had paid for his cigarettes._

_If he had known that he would have used that information himself once, to calm a girl down, again, he would not have believed it._

_The 11th grade, age 17-18, was a lot of Tanya and Jessica sex. Everyone who was in his way, would know, because he would gladly say. Most people in school were probably afraid of him. But he had power, and he loved it._

_For some time, the drugs he used, were only cigarettes and alcohol. He was in the same classes as Alice, Emmett and Jasper now. Once, when Tanya was sick, he had to sit alone._

_Only, he was surprised that Jasper sat next to him._

_'Ready for a speech?' the boy had mocked._

_'Just giving you the heads up,' he shrugged. 'After a few months, there'll be a girl moving here. Seems like she's the Chief police's daughter. She's had a rough time and comes to live with him. The gossips say that she's beautiful.'_

_The boy turned in his seat fully to face Jasper. He raised his eyebrows._

_'More beautiful then Tanya.'_

_'I don't believe that until I see it for myself,' the boy said._

_'Exactly. When you do see her, you won't near her, unless you can be somewhat normal. Like I said, she's had a rough time and she doesn't need a rougher time, given to her by you.'_

_'Rough, uh? Maybe that's exactly how she likes it.'_

_Jasper glared at him. What the heck? He was already protective over a girl he didn't know._

_'When's she coming?' the boy asked curiously. A girl described as more beautiful then Tanya... he had to see with his own two eyes._

_'June.'_

_'Okay, I'll give her a rough time,' he coughed, 'not a rough time. Slipped over my words there.'_

_Jasper couldn't stop glaring at him._

_'Could you show at least a little respect to her? Or better yet, don't near her. Stay with Tanya. Or Jessica. Who ever it is you are using as your sex buddy now.'_

_He opened his mouth in fake shock. 'Big words, my brother.'_

_'True words.'_

_'True,' he nodded. 'Do you know why she had a rough time?'_

_'No, but Chief Swan will probably know.'_

_'Yeah, like hell I'm asking him.' He hadn't told anyone about the past he had with Chief Swan._

_After class, the new girl was the only thing anyone could talk off. When he and Jasper heard how a few sophomores were saying how she would be begging for sex, Jasper glared at the boys and started talking to them. The boys only started to laugh, mocking if he was gay. Only they hadn't had the guts to say that right in Jasper's face._

_The boy turned to the boys. 'Fucking have the nuts to say that in his face once again, or fucking leave. The only thing she'll be begging all of you, is to jump off a bridge, not for fuck. As for that matter, I don't think anyone would ever beg you for a fuck.'_

_The sophomores ran away hard and the boy smirked at Jasper. 'What?'_

_'You really know how to flatter a girl,' he said sarcastically._

_'She isn't hear, is she?'_

_'Everybody else is. And you know how things spread around here. Somebody will gossip it to her, the moment she puts her foot in this building.'_

_The boy thought about that. He added loudly, 'I only pushed them away, because she'll be begging me for a fuck.' He shrugged when Jasper's eyes widened._

_'Why are you like this, Edward?'_

_'Do you think I evened it out?' he asked, ignoring the question._

_'That everyone thinks your back being an ass and not someone who might have, just a little, stood up for a girl he doesn't know yet. Yeah, with that last witty comment, you sure evened it out. Back to being an ass.'_

_'Because I can add some more stuff...'_

_'Trust me,' Jasper said. 'The damage has been done.'_

_The boy smirked and somewhere in June, he went to the supermarket again for his packet's of cigarettes. There he saw a certain police officer, running to the cashier, along with his other groceries. 'Don't mind if I go first?' he asked. It almost looked like he didn't know who the boy was and he smacked a chocolate bar on the rolling band and threw the rest of his stuff on it too._

_He was almost pacing. Then he turned to the boy. 'Bella has arrived.' He grabbed the bar of chocolate and threw it in a bag again, along with the rest. He paid for it. 'She's asked for chocolate. I bought her her favourite. Can you believe it? I thought she would still have the thoughts of wanting to be thin, because I had done my research about anorexia. But she's healed! Completely!'_

_He went to his cruiser and the boy paid for the cigarettes and left too. So Bella it was. The daughter of the man that he was still blaming on that very day for the death of his parents. Maybe not that literally, but he had said it and then crushed his body on his own._

_The girl had to pay off too. And if she did turn out to be beautiful, he knew just the way how to. And if she's ugly, her time here would be hell._

_At home, he said to everyone, as a sort of hello, 'Bella is in town' and they all stared at him. 'The new chick.'_

_'You met her?' Alice asked._

_'I met the overly happy father. We're dealing with a anorexia recovered chick that likes chocolate.'_

_If there was one thing the boy didn't know, it was about anorexia. He read about it in the medical books of Carlisle in his office, but was caught._

_'Anorexia?' Carlisle asked, looking over his shoulder._

_'What a crap,' the boy said, pushing the book back where he had found it._

_Before waiting for the response of Carlisle, he left._

_That morning there was no Bella. Did she think she was that good to skip school? Alice was slightly disappointed and Emmett and Jasper only wanted to see if she really had the looks._

_They were standing in front of the exit, hearing Mr. Banner about the excursion. He was interrupted be the loudest bang anyone had ever heard and they all turned their heads to the door, which was partly made of glass. The smash was so hard, the boy thought that the girl might had actually gone to unconsciousness._

_'Keep it in your pants,' he whispered to Jasper and Emmett._

_The girl was magically still alive and she looked like she had run the fucking marathon. Her eyes were glowing, her hair was messed up, her cheeks had a pink colour and in one arm, her fallen bag was hanging and in the other, she was holding a note. He knew that every boy would agree with him that she had the perfect body a boy would wish for and the full lips that only a few girls had naturally._

_She was fucking beautiful and he groaned. 'Maybe you should,' Emmett said with a smirk._

_'She'll be begging,' he groaned as a reply._

_She gave the note to the man and he called her Isabella. He also asked if she wasn't too lost. So she had been lost. The boy was watching her closely and he could see she was embarrassed. Her eyes scanned over the people and fucking Mike, Eric and Tyler gave her a wink and he glared at the boys. What rights did they have to do that? He looked back at Isabella and she looked at the boy's eyes and never had he seen a girl more petrified. Those big eyes landed on the floor._

_He chuckled when he fucking realised she was either intimitaded or scared of him. He liked that thought. He hadn't even said words to her and she already knew that being around him was going to be hell for her._

_He told her he wanted her to choke to death. He pushed her into the water, with the only intention of getting her hair wet. She looked like one of those bitches that stood in front of the mirror for ages and he also wanted to see the make-up running over her scarily white cheeks._

_Only, when Emmett saved her life, none of that was there. Her hair dried and was just the same. There was barely make-up._

_The beautiful girl was fucking beautiful. He wanted to insult her, see how long it would take until she would burst into tears._

_And when she did, a few days later, he couldn't think 'missions accomplished' but he was wondering why the girl would be crying her heart out._

_The chick was 17. She was gorgeous. She had the whole town talking about her._

_What the hell gave her the right to feel miserable and cry?_

_He had dreams at night about her. He dreamed all the stuff he could do to her. She wouldn't last a week if the boy had done all of those. Most of the time, he gave her a brake. But whenever she was near him, he exploded._

_It took a while, but he turned eighteen that month. He didn't forget his birthday this time and now had access to the enourmous amount of money._

_He tried to avoid her. He didn't want to cause her any harm or more pain._

_But of course she had to jump into the closet where he had told Jessica to wait for him. Of course she had to call his phone number. She was fucking everywhere._

_Then, Carlisle forced him to be with her at the holiday. He loved the idea of going back to New York for a few weeks, but not with her. He convinced himself that he hated her._

_He tricked her feelings, touching her in the airplane, staring at her, talking seductively._

_She freaking panicked on him._

_He did get to know her a little in those hours. And when she was sleeping, he freely stared at the girl. She was sleeping soundlessly and lying still. He never thought he would want to stare at a girl for that long._

_A feeling started to grow when he saw James with her. A feeling unknown. He was being with her. Saying he would take her out. So he drank at a bar, until he saw her alone. He doesn't remember any more bit of that night._

_He told her not to have sex with James. The only real reason, at that moment, was because he wanted to have her for himself. To tell her that, would have freaked her out, so instead he told her he didn't trust James._

_At their freaking date, he hated her again. Why was she dating James? He swore to himself that the next time he would see her, he would not be soft to her anymore. He'd treat her so bad, she'd cry and cry until she'd go into unconsciousness from all the crying._

_A minute later, the wish had been fulfilled, only he hadn't done a thing. She had bumped into him and he had to push strong, damn liquor down her throat so she'd go into the unconsciousness that would give her a little peace for a few hours._

_He had been trying to fool himself, but he wasn't an idiot._

_Anyone who had been there with him at that moment, seeing how he made sure nobody would near her, how he stroked her hair every time she whimpered, how he gently kissed her cheeks when she cracked a little smile in her sleep, how his heart skipped a beat when she had moaned his name eight times, how her body would twist and turn in bed, whenever he left her side, would have know he had fallen for the girl._

_For the first time, he had said the words out loud when she was in her unconscious sleep. 'I love you'. His eyes didn't allow him to sleep, because there was too much beauty in the room, it was blinding him and at the same time, not allowing him to close his eyes._

_Somewhere in the middle of the night, he knew that he had been jealous of James. The unknown feeling. A feeling he'd thought he'd never experience. Now he couldn't believe that he didn't foresee that the slime would have hurted the broken angel by his side. Why he didn't go and kill him at that exact moment, was only because his eyes again didn't allow him to move an inch away from her._

_He himself wasn't any better then James at times. He was cruel to her. Called her a coward. He said he couldn't change for her. Rougly forced her to teach her some self defence._

_His highlight of the year was probably when she called Tanya a crackwhore - which she was. Tanya had done crack and Isabella threw it in her face, without the knowledge that it was true. The irony._

_When he had to miss her for weeks, his heart almost stopped when he saw the sight of her again at Biology._

_She made a test, failed it badly. Then she provoked him. She actually did. Saying she had sex under influence._

_That's something the boy had done. Not something that she should have done. He couldn't see it, couldn't see if she was lying, blinded by so much anger, so he forced it out of her._

_She was still a virgin, she admitted. He looked at the girl and the feelings were still there. He had tried to convince himself that he would get over the girl._

_But she still had all the power and sometimes it felt like she had a piece of rope tied over his neck and at time she would push it, making him suffocate. But he would never show her that. He wouldn't let himself be the weaker one._

_He tried to help her with her silly tests for English._

_They ended up in the bin._

_Then he tried to take blood samples. Which wasn't a success._

_Her fucking heart failed on her, then. She'd been in a coma when Emmett punched him a few times. He wasn't able to fight Emmett off. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if the girl died in that coma._

_She made it and he saw her body. Her tiny form had only shrunk more, if possible. It was just so tiny. So small. So dangerously thin. Her body was eating the last pieces of muscle it had._

_She was a bag with bones and he __still loved her._

_One crazy day, he had gone back to Tanya. He used her for his own purposes and the poor little girl had seen them. It had angered her and hurt her. She bruised and opened her hands._

_He bruised and made her bleed some more, because she wanted a damn cigarette. He didn't give the girl a damn cigarette, instead a murderous kiss, because he couldn't stand seeing her smoke. Her fragile frame hadn't been able to protect her from his firm grip and she's black and blue now._

_When he couldn't resist himself to read the thoughts of Isabella, he took the diary, hid it in the box where here rooster was lying and quickly put it in his car._

_And that's when he knew. Anorexia was going to kill Bella soon, unless she changes or finds a reason to live._

_He left her abruptly. He had to. It was important to leave, in order for her healing process to succeed. She would never have to be anxious anymore, wondering if Edward would give her a hard time._

_At that moment, his feelings were still the same. Maybe they had even grew._

_xx_

_The story is unfinished though._

_Hope I didn't scare you._

_- Edward Anthony Masen Cullen_

By this time I had felt different feelings. Sadness for a boy that had been trough something so traumatic. He had done so many useless, bad things and lost many month of his life to drugs. I felt guilt because I was pretty much the reason he left town. Betrayal because he had lied about not having sex with Jessica. My memory may be bad, but that I remembered.

I felt fear because I believed him. He had left and would only be back when I was better.

In that case..._ I will have a death on my conscience _I thought somberly. I could not survive. I could not shove food down my throat and cheerfully date Mike.

That's not me.

I believed him when it came to my death. I would die like a stupid failure. I was a bit grossed out the way he was... talking, thinking about me in those ways, before he even knew me. Wanting me as a sex toy, using me like he was using Tanya? And Jessica? I couldn't prevent the next shudder. And I was scared. Not scared of him. Scared for him. He had issues too.


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns them all.

**A/N (not necessary to read this): **I feel so bad, I have these awful fights at home with my mother and sister. I hope that didn't influence my writing in a bad way.. I have a feeling like it will never get okay again with our relationship, especially my sister. I just know it won't. It has never been this bad. I really don't care for her anymore, I can't help it. She's a mean, lying bitch. And my mother believes her, so where does that leave me? My dad jokes around, which doesn't make matters better. This influences so much of my school work too, and I want to make it, especially because I go to Italy in June with school for 7 days, I'll be flying in the plane for the first time. So I'll keep thinking about Italy and my friends, hoping that will be enough to get trough this.

And now, read the story, like it, hate it, tell me if it's crap or awesome.

I also need inspiration, so if after reading this chapter (or the whole story) it reminds you of anything, a song, movie, poem, I don't know, SOMETHING, let me know, that would be nice, then I can watch or read that too.

* * *

**Beautiful soufenir**

I didn't, even couldn't, move. Time had really flown this time, because Charlie was behind me, clearing his throat.

'Uh, yeah, what?' I asked, a little disorientated. The only thing I had done for the past few hours was re-reading it all, wondering what feelings should course trough me, which feelings were wrong of me to feel and which feelings I definitely should be feeling. I still hadn't figured it out yet. I deserved to be mad, but I felt a huge sympathy for the boy at his loss. I wasn't that cold-hearted. He knew loss. And pain. Pure misery and loneliness. But he had thrown all of his anger out on other people, making them suffer too, which was selfish of him, I think.

'I asked how you are,' he said. I shut the diary and turned to him.

'Feeling as always,' I said. _Liar. _Today I felt a little more bad then usual.

Charlie nodded. 'I don't know if you really _care_, but ehm… That Edward, he…' Charlie turned to the refrigerator, opened it, and closed it without getting anything out. I raised my eyebrows at him in mock.

'What?' I snapped.

He smiled sheepishly, though I felt a little sorry for him. He was probably feeling horrible about something he had to say. 'He left town. Didn't say goodbye. Alice cried. Emmett has called him the whole time, but he never picks up and Jasper is trying to comfort Esme. Carlisle is at the hospital, probably thinking he just…'

I scowled. It was the first time I had ever heard him say each name of that family.

'You know him better then you've let me know?' I started slowly. 'Don't you?' It was one thing I had been thinking about the whole time. He and Edward had a past with each other, even if it started by him telling to Edward that his parents had died.

'What?' he asked nervously.

'Don't worry,' I said in my haze. 'He sort of let me know. Your history with him. I never knew you have lived in New York.' I tried to keep it light, not wanting Charlie to freak out.

His eyes widened. Then he scowled. 'He told you?' I nodded. _Liar. _He had, technically, written it down. 'I did, for a little while. So you're saying you know about him and me?' He sounded doubtful.

'He lost his parents. You were the one that told him and stayed with him the whole night. He was in Rosalie's lap, crying. He was seven.'

He gaped at me. Then he asked in amazement, 'He told _you_?'

'I know,' I said, feeling stupid. Even Charlie saw the impossibility of it. 'I think he just felt like he owned telling me, or whatever. It's true then, right?'

'Yes,' he said with a sigh. 'I knew his parents, though not very well, but yes, very honest and great people. I never saw that in Edward.' He briefly looked at me as he thought about something. 'Though maybe I did see a little of that just now. He hasn't told _anyone _that, did you know? When I got in Forks and against every odd realized he had been adopted by a family here, he hadn't told them about his past. Nothing. Never a word. Everything they knew, was only because it was written down by me in the papers.' He was really surprised, with his hand half in the air, poiting at me, and concluded, 'He told you.'

'What's so special about that?' I asked. 'I mean…' I wandered off. He hadn't told anyone? Except for me. That didn't have any special meaning, did it?

'That's not the question you should be asking, Bella,' he said. I waited. He just smiled as he continued. 'You should be asking, what made _you_ so special to Edward, that he told _you_?'

'He… doesn't… It's not… I'm not special to him.' I grabbed my head in frustration.

He left. Gone. Everything was twisted. How can he love me? He can't. That's just not possible. He must have had very other reasons for telling me. Those reasons would have nothing to do with me being special or him having feelings for me. I refused to believe that, because it was impossible.

He watched me carefully. 'Well, in that case, the question is still, why did he decide to tell you?'

Not because I'm special to him. But that's not what I told Charlie. I told Charlie a fact. 'He left,' I concluded. Fact. 'He doesn't care.' Fact. 'Nobody knows where.' Fact. I started shaking my head. This was too much talk with Charlie. I stood up and tried to smile. 'I'm going up, I'm exhausted.' And it wasn't even a lie, I wanted to sleep. I took my diary and went up before I could be stopped.

I was restless that night. Every time I wondered why I didn't fall to sleep, I realized I still had my eyes open.

The next day, Charlie had left early, and when I started to wonder how I would get to school, the answer appeared in front of me.

A yellow Porsche which I had never seen before. Alice got out of the car and waved. 'Jasper told me about your car still being at school. Need a lift?'

I smiled a little. 'Much.' I stepped into her car and she didn't say a word anymore. She even seemed a little troubled. I wasn't sure if it was because she thought it was better for her to keep her mouth shut for my sake or because of Edward's leaving. I slowly breathed and formed the question in my head, before I asked.

'You didn't tease Emmett too much with his crushes when he was seven, did you?' I asked. She turned her head to me and then snapped it back to the road. I saw a little smile get on her lips.

'It was too easy, I couldn't just stand there,' she said with a giggle. 'I just had to say something about it, you know?'

I laughed, though it wasn't real and just like that, Alice was unable to keep her mouth shut. At school, I quickly sat next to Emmett, before anyone could take the seat. To say he looked surprised would have been an understatement.

'What happened to your crush on Bree?' I asked slowly and quietly, looking at my hands, which were on the table. I glanced quickly at him.

He looked like he was impressed and then his eyes showed me that his mind had gone back several years ago, thinking about Bree. 'Nah, nothing. She was too good for me.' I smiled and nodded. I listened as well as I could to Mr. Banner. It could have been interesting, but my mind was somewhere else.

At lunch, I found Jasper, but he was sitting with Emmett and Alice. I sat on the opposite side of them. They stopped talking and all three looked at me. I felt a little insecure.

'Did you win it?' I asked Jasper, trying to keep the conversation short. They all scowled and Jasper smiled politely. Stupid question, he couldn't understand it this way.

'What exactly?' he asked.

Like I said. 'The swimming match when you were seven,' I explained better this time. If he was surprised, he didn't show it. He thought for a second, glancing at Alice and Emmett, who were looking at each other.

'I had a few that year, I really wouldn't know which one I did or did not win,' he said.

'Oh…' I muttered. But then I remembered. You can't forget a match on the day you get a new brother. 'The match that day when Edward was for the first time at your place.'

Now he looked surprised. 'How did you know?' he asked. I only stared, waiting. 'Yes, I did win that one.'

I smiled again. Though if I was really happy, I didn't know. Everything Edward had said about his family was true. Why bother asking more questions? But I had never heard about those three boys he had mentioned. I only did not dare to go that far with the asking.

'Did you tell her?' Jasper asked, looking at Alice. She shook her head.

'Chick, you told her about Bree?' he asked Alice. 'How could you?' He faked to be hurt.

'Stop accusing me, Bree lover!' she said, giving him a punch. Jasper ducked so he could avoid the punch. 'Besides, you told her about me always picking on you about your lovey dovey crushes.' She laughed.

Oops.

'No, I didn't,' Emmett said.

Alice stopped laughed. 'Did you?' she asked Jasper.

He looked at me and shook his head. Then they all turned their head to me. 'Edward told me,' I said quickly. 'And about everything else, the drugs and stuff and sex at young age.' _Gosh, shut up, Bella! _Maybe that was private and they didn't even know about the sex with Tanya thing.

'When?' Alice demanded.

'Ehm, yesterday. He told me he would leave, but he didn't say it, he had written it down, actually, like a letter?' I ended uncertain. Alice looked a little mad.

Jasper nudged her. She snapped her head up. 'Can you blame him?'

'I'm not saying anything! Bella, I'm not mad at you, really. I'm mad at him! He didn't even tell me. He did tell you! I'm not holding any grudges to you, course not! But him!'

Jasper nudged her again, trying to get her attention. 'What?' she asked hysterically. 'Yes, I can and will blame him. Where is he?' she asked me.

I shrugged. 'He didn't say. I don't know.'

'Why?' she asked, suddenly calmed down completely.

I shrugged again. 'He doesn't want her going after him,' Jasper said. 'After what he told her, the drugs and stuff and sex at young age,' he repeated my words, briefly looking at me, '_can you blame him_?' He looked pointedly at Alice and understandment flooded over Alice's face.

Alice put her finger in the air. 'I understand.'

'I have freaking no idea what you dudes are talking about, but I'm getting some food,' Emmett said, rising. I decided to follow him. Clearly Alice and Jasper were talking about something weird and I didn't know if I wanted to know what it was.

'Bella!' he said, when he noticed me behind him, putting his arm around me. The guy is huge, I couldn't get used to it. He made a mountain of food. 'I'm starving. Did you understand those weirdo's?' he asked, pointing his head in their direction. I shook my head. 'Neither do I,' he muttered. He pushed a few cans of soda in my hands and started walking again. He put the tray down and when I sat, he sat next to me. Alice grabbed a pizza and Jasper a burger. Emmett whispered, 'As messed up as you may be, just eat this,' he said, giving me a mix of fruit in yogurt. He gave me a spoon too. He started eating and I slowly started taking mini bites. It was plain horrid and they couldn't understand.

When Tanya appeared at our table, all of our heads turned to her. I quickly dumped the fruit yoghurt under the table when they weren't looking. Instantly I felt proud of myself, but a little disgusted for taking those bites.

'Is Edward sick?' she asked.

'Sick of you,' Alice said with a glared, the same time as Emmett said, 'In many ways.'

'He left,' Jasper said, giving the only normal response.

'Left? Where?' she asked. She glared at me once, and looked at Jasper again.

'Nobody knows,' he answered. He finished the burger. 'Guess we're no use to you, then.'

'Yeah, bye!' Alice said over dramatically. Tanya looked determined, but left slowly. I suddenly realizes Edward hadn't told her he would leave. Tanya wouldn't bother coming over to the Cullens family and me, willingly, if she had known.

As I looked at her back getting father away from us, that good feeling left me. All I could think of was that she had had sex with Edward, more then once. And I knew that it shouldn't bother me, but it did.

I don't know why, but the rest of the Cullens family stayed with me for the rest of the day.

A whole week passed.

Yeah, I'm not quite sure how that happened and how the days had passed. I had called in sick a few times. Most of the time, I spent sleeping, and if I had the energy, I was walking outside.

Exactly after one week that Edward had left, my heart failed on me again. Only this time it was because of the sight of James. I had just gotten out of my car and saw him with his lips on Tanya. For a moment, I felt panic go trough my body and my heart started beating fast. I couldn't move an inch. I closed my eyes and opened them again and I looked very closely, hoping I was mistaken. I almost ran into the building, when I saw it was in fact him, for real, here, in Forks. Had he had contact with Tanya? Did she call him? I hoped he was only here for one day.

Skip that, I hoped he would take a plane right now and fly back to New York.

_Edward, I wish you were here..._

At school, I made sure I was close to Emmett the whole time. I almost touched him, that close I was trying to remain. He looked uncertain, whenever I would bump on him, but I was watching my back the entire time.

After a few hours, I bumped on him again and he turned to me.

'Bella, what _is _the matter?'

'James,' I replied hastily. I looked up at him and he was watching me carefully. 'He's here.'

'What?' he said loudly. 'Where?'

'I saw him this morning, with Tanya. They must have been texting with each other, I don't know...' I said defeated.

Edward left, James was here. Was I missing something obvious? Was this really coincidence?

I scowled when I wondered if it actually really was coincidence.

'Alice,' he called and in an instance, she was standing next to us. We walked to the cafeteria. 'Bella's sleeping over.'

I looked at Emmett as Alice yelled in my ear. 'Really? Awesome!'

'Sorry?' I asked Emmett.

'You're glued on me already, besides, your Dad won't mind, will he? And Alice is already excited. At least until James is gone, okay?'

Alice snapped her head to Emmett. 'James? That boy that _should _be in jail?' _They were informed well. _Probably by Edward.

'He got community service,' I said.

'James?' Alice said in abhorrence. 'What's he doing here?'

'My question too. I'm guessing Tanya knows,' I said.

'Really?' she said, scanning the cafeteria. Then she purposefully walked over to someone and I widened my eyes when she stopped at Tanya's table and talked directly to her.

'Oh... my... God... Alice,' I mumbled. How did she even dare to be like this?

Jasper got over to us. 'Guess who's in town.'

Emmett pretended to be thinking. Then he said bluntly, 'James.'

'Do you know when he'll leave?' I asked Jasper, hoping he had some answers.

He shrugged and shook his head.

I sighed. 'Stupid bitch,' Alice said from behind me. 'All she said was that he had come here and taken her by surprise as well.'

'She's lying,' I said automatically. I don't know why, I just didn't believe that girl. She and... Edward had already told too many lies to me before.

'She looked pretty sincere,' Alice said. 'And why should she lie?'

I looked angrily at Tanya. 'Did she know when he will leave again?'

'She said he's staying here for quite a while...' she said in a sigh.

My eyes landed on Emmett. 'I can't stay with you, guys.'

'Why not?' Alice started immediately. 'What if he tries something on you again? What if he's actually come here for you? What he did-'

'Please, Alice... Stop.' I couldn't think of that option. He just had to be here because of Tanya. Or maybe Jessica. Yes, he was here for Jessica. That's what I would try and keep convince myself.

I left them there and quickly went to class.

After school, I watched around me the entire time, but I couldn't find Tanya anymore. I got in my car and drove home. I was feeling sick the entire time, watching my rear view mirrors, checking if I was safe. But as I was nearing home, I started feeling better. He wasn't following me. He hadn't come here for me. I had worried for nothing. Why did I possibly think he had come here, specially for me?

I got out of my car and tried to find my keys when I heard someone walked up the steps behind me. The keys that were now in my hand, fell out of my hand and my bag slid off my shoulder. I stared at the door and was frozen. He had come hear specially for me... And not in the good way. 'Bella,' he said. 'What a wonderful surprise.' I swallowed the disgusting bile away. I am not going to be sick. He bended and picked up my keys. He turned me around and watched me for a second. Slowly, I brought my eyes up. 'My, my, my. You have changed a lot.' His hands ran down my sides. 'Thinner.' He put his hands on my cheeks and brought my head up. I was completely frozen. 'Little Bella, why are you so scared? Are you afraid... of _me_?' His eyes held mock. His voice was hypnotizing and his face was, damn me, so charming. What was I thinking?

I stepped behind, out of his hands, and my back pressed against the door. He crossed his arms and watched me for a second. 'Is this how you greet me?' he asked, offended. 'I was hoping for a kiss.'

I looked at him disgustingly. 'Isn't Tanya enough for you?' I asked. My voice was shaking and very small.

'Tanya?' he asked. 'Oh, you saw me this morning. Bella, where have you left your manners? You saw me and didn't even come to say hello to me.'

I scowled at him and found a little sarcasm. I didn't know if I was being very smart, but I said it anyway. 'Didn't want to interrupt you. Seemed like you were kind of busy.'

He rolled his eyes and laughed.

'What do you want?' I asked loudly and angrily. I had to remember myself what he had done to me and that it was unacceptable.

His head bended to the side and he watched me curiously. 'Did Edward leave you, Bella?' My eyes snapped up to his and he smirked. 'Did he got sick and tired of you? Found another pet in New York? Leaving you all here... for me?'

'Wh-what?' I stuttered.

'Bella, Bella,' he said, grabbing my head and stepping closer. This time, I couldn't step away. There was simply no room. My mind was going fast at what he had said, namely New York. 'There's nothing so special about you. He never liked you. He only wanted to taste you for once, and decided you taste like...' he pretended to be thinking, and ended with, 'crap. You are the reason I have spent days outside, doing community work. But now that that's done and Edward is away, I've got you, all for myself. No more Edward. And this time, Bella, he won't stop me.' He pressed his hand on my neck for a second and I whimpered. He then released me. I looked in shock. 'You're getting it all wrong, Bella,' he said with a smile. 'I don't want you dead. I like you.'

'James,' I started scarily slow. 'How did you know that Edward left town?' I remembered all to well how he had said that Edward had left me, but I specifically said town.

He brought his head to the side a little and he smiled. He was liking this too much, if you asked me. And Alice was right, he should be in jail.

'Because last time I saw him, wasn't that long ago and not anywhere near Forks. What else could he have done, then leave yo- I mean town.' I took one fast deep breath. He was mocking me, but he didn't know everything. Edward hadn't _left me_. He had seen Edward? Had Edward also seen him?

'When and where?' I asked carefully. Had he seen him in New York or somewhere else?

He looked at me as if I'd gone mental. 'If he wanted you to know, he would have told you. He doesn't want you. Grasp that.'

The world around me was spinning, but then I realised it was just me, shaking my head in denial.

'Oh, Bella... Then why leave this boring town Forks, where there is only boring Bella, and nothing else? At least, at where he's now, he can have fun.'

'Fun?' I repeated, feeling still dizzy.

'Lots. Like that girl I saw him with last time.'

I looked at him in horror. That could not be true. Edward was a sly fox, but he wouldn't really kiss someone after being away for not even that long. I mean... he had kissed _me_.

'Sex, too, of course,' he said agonizingly slow.

'You really are mistaken,' I started, saying each word carefully. 'Must have been someone else you saw.'

'Hmm,' he said, reaching for his pocket and looking at something. Then he pushed it in my hand. I turned it around and looked at a couple making out. It was a photo. 'Why don't you tell me? Because I don't like to be mistaken.' He didn't sound scary. Just like he was having fun, playing a great game. 'Am I?'

Angrily I looked him in the eye. He flashed a bright smile. He had known all the time that he was right. All that he was busy with, was playing with his toy. Me.

'No.'

He raised his eyebrows immediately. I told myself to not fear James, because he wasn't scary. I wanted him away from here. He had no right to bother me.

'Edward was just a lousy sex,' I lied, not forgetting that he was still under the impression that Edward and I had done it. 'I decided that I didn't want him around me anymore and he left. Now get off my property before I start aiming a gun at you.' I made room between us.

'Bella,' he started with a smirk on his face, walking up to me again. 'I don't believe Edward had sex with-' But I've had enough of everything. I found a large metal thing, didn't know what it was, but I hit the side of James head with it and he fell of the few first steps and landed there on the ground flat on his back.

I had time to unlock the door with the keys that were lying now on the ground, grab my bag and quickly locking it when I got in. 'I'm a police officers daughter and have every equipment here to either hurt or kill you, now get away from here. Go!' I yelled against the door. 'Don't ever show up here again!'

It took a while, but a car eventually started and left. I hadn't even seen a car. Had I been that blind, or had he hidden it before? I shook my head. How could Edward have just started kissing other girls so quickly after leaving... town? How had James seen him, at that exact moment, and at that exact moment he had a camera and hit a photo and got here to show it to me?

I was shaking with cold, and anger, and anguish and I started getting sick of myself. Not just figurally, because I clasped my hand on my mouth and ran in time to the toilet. There was nothing to puke, but it continued for several minutes. It contained bile and blood and I flushed it away quickly. I found sleeping pills and took at least five and quickly I got sleepy and hoped to never wake up again.

The cold and hot feeling that I felt over my body was very strange. I kept seeing the photo flash back into my memory. Edward who had been gripped a girls head. She had very light brown hair, almost a dark blond and she was kissing him back passionately. The image changed into moving people. I saw what I had seen on the photo start to move and Edward's hands were running through the girls hair and the girl enjoyed it. Edward was leading them into a room and he yanked at the door handle and pushed the willing girl in it. I was an outstander, observing what was happening, and then the door was shut in front of me and they had disappeared into the room. The last thing I had seen, was Edward pushing the unknown girl on the big bed. I wanted to bang on the door, but found myself glued on the floor. I wanted to yell, but my throat had gone dry. My desperate tries to get attention, were hopeless.

'Wake up, now, Bella!' A very loud voice commanded and I jumped up, almost hitting my head on the person that was sitting next to me. I looked around and noticed I was in my room and the person was Charlie. I was hot and sweating and Charlie released my shoulders. It was then I saw the look of absolute agony on his face. Another thing I noticed, was that my stomach was hurting as hell. The pills didn't kill me, but the effect they had on my stomach, was intense. 'You were screaming, Bella, you were yelling so loudly. I've been trying to wake you up for the past minute.'

I breathed shakily. How embarrassing. 'I'm sorry,' I said in a tiny voice, showing him with my eyes I hadn't meant it and I felt suddenly a pang of hurt in my chest.

His face changed. 'Why was there a photo lying on the front porch?' he asked.

Edward and a blond brownish hair coloured girl appeared in front of me. It was like I had memorized every detail of the photo. The pain in my chest increased. 'Someone was just trying to tell me that someone is... having fun... or something.'

'Bella,' he said in a sigh. 'You don't have to keep talking in riddles. I don't understand why everything that is happening to you, isn't happening the normal way.'

I scowled, really not understand him.

'You know, a boy that likes a girl, they get a fight over the boy not buying flowers, but then he buys her them and she's all cheerful again.' I couldn't help but look stupidly at him. 'One of Renee and my fights. You know? The simple stuff. For you, it is all always so complicated. You don't deserve this!' he said, reaching for his pocket and showing me the photo. I quickly looked at the wall, away from them both.

'Please, Charlie, I need a moment,' I pleaded, not turning my eyes to him. He left quickly and the pain in my chest was still growing. I tried to think of flowers and happy bees. But my eyes landed on my bed sheets, where Charlie had left the beautiful souvenir for me. I wanted to spit on it and tear it into pieces and spit and jump on it some more. Instead, I felt sick on my own record and was again just in time in front of the toilet as I emptied my stomach from nothing. I had always thought that a sight of something that makes you absolutely sick to the stomach, wouldn't really make you sick. But I saw the proof, it could. I flushed the toilet and took a shower. It was hard to breath, but I was strong enough not to cry.

'Call me in sick,' I pleaded to Charlie when I had ran downstairs. He nodded and left.

Anger started to boil in me. And the anger gave me just enough energy take a thirty minute run and then land on my bed and sleep until it was four o'clock. This time, I reached for the photo and I wasn't quite sure why I was torturing myself. And I couldn't decipher either why this was bothering me and making me so sick. Just Edward kissing a girl. After saying he loves me... Just Edward with another girl. After telling me all the things he has done wrong in life...

This time I stuck my finger down my throat and practically left it there, purging. It felt like I was punishing myself. I brushed my teeth and stared at me reflection.

_Edward. In love with that? Yeah right. _I saw how the eyes of the girl in the reflection went up in a roll. Then I shook my head.

Just before Charlie arrived, I purged again. After I drank water, again. It made me feel bigger, the water. That wasn't what I wanted. I refused food, saying I felt sick. Charlie looked concerned at my face. 'You don't look too well.'

'Nothing sleep won't recover,' I said, walking up slowly and falling knock down on my bed.

Next day was the same. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want the opportunity of finding James sitting somewhere nonchalantly, ready to torture me some more.

I noticed my knuckles were a little soar, but I didn't pay any attention to it. In less then a minute, I was purging again. I slept bad, having nightmares all the time. I jumped up in bed and for a second I wondered if I had been screaming in my sleep. I know that in my dream I had been. What day of the week was it?

When I looked in my agenda, I saw it was already 17 December. Eight more days until Christmas. It was supposed to be a joyful month. I hadn't bought a new diary anymore. Not because I didn't feel the need anymore to write my thoughts down, but because of the last incident, of course. The only way to prevent that, was by simply not writing at all.

I grabbed my old diary and a iron bucket. With a match, I burned the diary in the bucket until there was absolutely nothing but black ash. I would have thought I would've felt relieved after it being gone. I didn't feel any of that. The content was still read by Edward, it had been exposed to freaking Edward. My only relief was that nobody else could read it that thoroughly anymore... unless the God called Edward, had a photographic memory. It wouldn't have surprised me, really. Edward is so smart, it's like a gift. He could go to university and easily make it. He could become successful. I knew it. It was a rare talent, his intelligence, and I hope the liquor and drugs hadn't ruined his brain. Maybe, if he hadn't taken them, he would have been much smarter now, smarter then he already is. He deserved remaining his intelligence. It was the only thing that could lead him the right way. Not that I cared.

Charlie was gone the whole Saturday and I continued visiting the toilet frequently. My knuckles were getting more soar and I realised it was because each time they were pressed against my teeth. Well, it was unpreventable and it was only a little pain. I was getting fatter everyday. The hurt in my chest had never left or seized, it only increased from time to time. There was one thing I still owed and that was the picture that James had given me. It was something I _needed_ in order to tell myself not to ever believe Edward's words again.

Most of the time, I sat on the couch, watching stupid cartoons. Lassie was _fun_ though, to watch and I watched that often. Charlie looked strangely when he got home, but I didn't care. If I wanted to watch Lassie, I would. That dog was amazing.

Between the commercials, when Charlie had been out, I had still visited the toilet. I don't know how many times I had been purging per day. Ten times? Fifteen?

On Sunday too, when I knew for sure Charlie wouldn't be up for the following few minutes, I went to the toilet. He was the only reason I was eating a few bites a day. Mostly fruits, raw vegetables and drinking water.

Just like that, the following week on Wednesday, we had gone into a heated fight.

'Are you vomiting everything out?' he yelled angrily. How did he know?

'No! I don't! Leave me alone!' I yelled back.

'Bella, there is nothing left of you. You're playing with you life!' His face had gone red. He was standing in front of me, blocking the television.

I glared at him. I wasn't in the mood anymore. We had been yelling for minutes and for me, that was long enough. 'It's my life, I don't want you in it! You don't understand any of it! You just don't. Leave me alone!' I yelled for the final time as I ran outside, forgetting to grab a jacket through my tears and running into the forest. Charlie had called me in sick again today. Our holiday started on Saturday, not Friday, which is ridiculous, because Friday it's already 24 December. I soon stopped running and walked into a slow pace, pushed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and shivered in the pouring rain. The pain in my chest was again growing and I was running short for breath. I'm not sure if I tripped or fainted, but I fell on the ground and with my mouth slightly open and my eyes only seeing everything in a blur, I was feeling the life drain out of me. The devil himself had come for me to take me to his warm, maybe very hot, place. It was probably better there then here in the rainy town Forks.

My sight turned to black and I still felt a strange pull and it felt like that wasn't very good. It had to be a bad sign. A sign of my life coming to an end.

At times, I would hear something. I never knew what it was. My sight remained black. Maybe I was really dying. Maybe my time was really up. Or maybe I just didn't deserve this life anymore and this was God's punishment. Though I didn't believe in God. And if I did, it still felt like he had abandoned me.

But the voices I was hearing, could have been the devil's helps.

Yeah, that's what I was hearing. His helps.

Something was happening to my body now. Something different, because the feelings I was feeling were different. I only didn't know what it was. Why wasn't I met by enormous fires and a reddish scary looking man? Why wasn't I being punished for all that I had done wrong? That's what hell is for.

It was warm here. I suddenly felt the warmness through my body. It was comforting. But hell couldn't be comforting.

Was I dead?

Then I heard another sound. It was even most of the time and constant. Really, it was annoying, but it didn't stop. I wished the stupid sound would just stop. It was like the sound of a clock ticking.

I saw something. It was bright and white. I blinked slowly. That wasn't what I expected. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. It was just the ceiling I was staring at. I looked around and saw the machines and heart beating monitor. I instantly grabbed the tube down my nose and pulled it out, disgusted by it. I threw it under the bed. Getting out of the bed, wasn't an option, because after the activity of bending over the bed, it had already taken my breath away. I closed my eyes again and slept soon.

Only the next two times I woke, the tube was again down my nose, and I pulled it out again and yanked at it, so it would split open. Now they couldn't use it anymore, and again I slept.

Voices remained coming and going. The heart monitor was something I kept hearing, even in my sleep. Next time I woke, it was darker and the tube was again in my nose and I groaned. I reached for it, but found my arm being blocked. The beeping increased annoyingly. I looked up, seeing both of my hands were tied to the hospital bed, at the sides. I could only move it a inches. I stared at the cuffs with big eyes. A needle was in my arm, and I tried getting loose. I wanted to scream when I felt that I couldn't budge my legs either. They had tied me on the bed, hands and feet.

All I wanted to do was get the feeding tube out. That was all. I pushed hard against my wrist, hoping it would pop open of that my wrist would slip out. When it didn't, I screamed in desperation, twisting on the bed and hearing the stupid constant sound beeping faster.

'Give her a shot of Thorazine,' a unknown voice said. It was the first, real, clear voice I had heard since a long time. Only, it wasn't comforting. It wasn't a nice, friendly voice.

My eyes had been closed, but I felt a clear, little cold, liquid run through my arm and it stilled me almost instantly and again I was sleeping.

My body was starting to ache. It was probably the lying still all the time. You can't move much with both your arms and legs tied. I didn't bother opening my eyes anymore. The sickening bright light, the big machines placed around my bed, the doctors, who were always faced with their back against me, I didn't want to see it, any of it. I didn't open my eyes anymore and only prayed I would die from all the shots they were giving me. Which wasn't likely going to happen. I remained struggling out whenever I had the strength again, but they always found out and gave me another shot, which sent me knock out.

Outside, I heard a song. Children were playing and couples were walking trough the snow. At least, that's what I thought, of course. I was still lying tied up on the bed.

For sure, I was feeling slightly better again, still bad, but better then when I had the chest pains and breathing problems and constant tiredness. The food was probably freely running down the tube trough my nose, straight to my stomach.

I felt wetness run over the sides of my cheek.

'You shouldn't cry on Christmas.'

My eyes had been closed, but I couldn't pretend to be sleeping.

'I wish it didn't have to go this way.'

'Shut up,' I croaked out, my voice not sounding as mine. I hadn't used it since a while. It was Christmas?

Carlisle sighed. 'You've been out for four days. We had to keep you tied, in order to keep the feeding tube inside you. You would have died if you didn't get enough nutitions.'

This time I opened my eyes and got up as much as I could, which wasn't very far. 'Go away, I don't want to hear it.'

'Bella,' he said quickly. 'It's Christmas. I don't want you tied anymore then you do. So I will release you, against every other doctors opinion. I just want to give you this one little thing because it's Christmas. Okay?'

I stared suspiciously, and he had a little key in his hand, which he put in the cuff of the ones on my foot.

'I didn't know you had such things,' I said.

He pushed my foot out when he had opened the cuff and started opening the other one. 'We don't. They're the polices, because we never needed them before.' He pushed my second foot out. He walked over next to me and opened the cuff on my hand. 'I wish it didn't have to go this far,' he said in a sigh, opening my last cuff. 'You were suffering from malnutrition. That means it breaks down everything until that what you have left, is not enough to save you. But these past four days, you've been given many nutritional food. Some of the danger is gone, but you have to stay in ICU for a while.'

He stepped back once I was released and I rubbed my wrists, sitting up. I looked up at him, not believing he had released me.

'If I see that tube anywhere but where it is now, I will have to tie you again. I'm doing something many doctors are against. So don't make me lose this trust.' I nodded and waited for him to leave. 'I'll be back in an hour, okay? Hit that button if you need anything,' he added, pointing at a button near my bed. He closed the door and I slowly stood up. I arched my back, hearing bones crack. Four days I had been lying, in just one position. If this wasn't a hospital, I would have sued them. Thought, ironically, that would have had no use, because they had borrowed cuffs from the police self.

If it was only one hour that I would be able not to have any food pushed down that tube, so be it. I yanked it out, so fast, it hurt. It was something I had wanted to do for so long. I first went to the toilet and pushed my finger in my throat, this time there was less blood. Then I sat on the window sill, forcing myself to sit on the cold thing, and stare outside. There was just one couple and their forms looked like Tanya's and Edward's. I groaned. If it was them, then I whished them fun. I stood up and walked to the corner of the room, pressing myself against the wall, and putting my arms around my knees, tightly pressing them against me. My head was on my knees, and I tried to push the growing pain away. The suffocation pain, only because a couple reminded me of Bitch and Gigolo.

I shook my head while it was still on my knees.

A hand grabbed my wrist and when my head snapped up, I saw it was a other doctor. 'You really know how to spoil Christmas for us, don't you, young lady?'

I kicked his leg, but not hard. I pulled out of his grip, running to the open door, when I ran into another doctor who just wanted to get in the room.

'Bella,' Carlisle said surprised. Then he looked at my nose. 'Bella...' There goes trust.

While he was still disappointed, I didn't care, I tried to run past him, but the other doctor had grabbed my waist and I kicked while he lifted me, hitting Carlisle in the face with my foot. 'Need help over here!' the doctor called and I started screaming, screaming loudly in his ear, in every ones ear, as I saw doctors running into the little room. Nurses were standing outside, I could see, looking inside to see what was happening.

Someone had grabbed my foot, another my hand, one my arm, and that one doctor behind me, never let go of my waist. I was surrounded by doctors, and one of them was holding an awfully long and thick needle. I stilled for a moment and when he got closer, I kicked him in his knee and he let go of the needle to grab his hurt knee.

'Hold her more tightly!' he commanded angrily to a doctor and again I started fighting them off.

'Let go of me! You don't have the right to do this to me!' I screamed, over and over. They were all holding me tightly, squeezing me everywhere, while the other doctor pulled out another needle and looked closely at how much of the medicine he was pushing in the tube. 'No, please let go!' I yelled again. He looked ready and looked at them again.

'Hold her damn tightly,' he snapped at all of them. 'Merry Christmas, Bella,' he said, almost wickedly. He still had to walk a few yard over to me until he could push the needle in me, but he stopped moving when there came a loud shattering noise from just outside the room. They all looked at the door opening and Carlisle gasped, at least it sounded like it was Carlisle. I was only trying to break free from their strong grip, actually feeling pain from their tight grips.

The man started walking again, I saw it out of the corner of my eye. 'No, no, no,' I pleaded.

'Like I said, Merry Christmas, Bella. This medicine will make you sleep for hours, so you won't hear anybody else say that to you, sadly.'

I couldn't break free, but I never stopped struggling. This is life? I wanted to spit on the man's face, he disgusted me.

Something miraculous happened. His face turned sideways, when a fist met his cheek and the needle flew against the wall and broke open, letting it's contents drop down the wall. The man fell very hard on the floor and it seemed like he was in pain, because he was yammering like a little girl. I was staring at the man on the floor, when a foot got in my sight, kicking the man in his side.

'Stop it,' Carlisle ordered. But the foot kicked again. I had been so shocked, I had stopped struggling. And I couldn't look up at the man who had hit the cruel doctor.

'I'm cool,' a voice said, and the foot had stopped kicking. 'It's cool.' It sounded as if the voice was trying to convince Carlisle as himself as well. But that voice? Had I heard it before? He sounded angry.

My eyes had never been able to leave the man on the floor, who was now sitting up and looking incredulously up, but not at me.

'Did you just assault a doctor?' the doctor said angrily. It looked like he wanted to get up, but then he actually looked scared. I scowled. What was so scary? The doctor however changed at where he was looking and said, 'Carlisle, give her the shoot, put the feeding tube back in her, tie her and _then _definitely don't untie her. Then we can go home and leave all this shit behind us. At least for one day.'

'Did you, a doctor, seriously, just say _shit_? You don't have the right to talk like that!' the unknown person said. I wanted to look at who was defending me, but in front me was suddenly standing Carlisle. 'I'm sorry, Bella.' He looked apologetic, like he had to do it, but didn't want to do it, and I screamed loudly, that Carlisle actually grabbed his ears.

When a doctor says he's sorry, it can only mean a few things. He's going to do something painful, or give you bad new. In my case, it was the first one. Putting back the feeding tube and tying me up again, that was painful.

'Let her go,' the voice said from behind Carlisle. I heard a familiarity in the voice, but I could not place whom it was. I had ever met this person, I just didn't know when it was. My brain was starting to fail on me, as well as my heart.

I couldn't think or look ay who the unknown person was, because my eyes were closed and I was still trying hard to break free, knowing this was my last chance. I screamed again very panicky when I actually did realise that this was my last chance until I was tied again. I was breathing very heavy by now and my heart was racing, I could feel its beats in my throat and hear it in my ears.

'I said, let her go.' Carlisle was pushed aside, and a new creature was standing in front of me. He was wearing Nike sport shoes, jeans, and a thick black jacket. _Sportive_. I was about to reach his face, when a hand pushed his chest and he stepped back, my eyes snapping at the head who had pushed the creature I still hadn't seen.

'Get out,' the doctor who had just been punched, commanded. _'You_ don't have the _right_ to be here.'

He was met by the fist of the stranger and my eyes saw him fall backward. Knock out.

I looked with big eyes. 'I can go all night.' To who was this man talking? The doctor was knock out, he couldn't hear him. 'Trust me, it would save you guys the trouble of being hit if you just let her go.' Her. Me? I couldn't tear my eyes away from the knocked out doctor, but I did feel hands leaving my body. I looked down, I couldn't believe the hands had let go of me. I ran before I even looked up, but soon was stopped when I hit against a body, and the hands of the person steadied me.

Scared I was going to be held tightly again, I got out of the grip of that person, who hadn't even had the chance to hold me tightly and ran into the corner of the room and sat into the same position I had just been. My eyes scanned each doctor slowly, but then they landed on a certain form, who still had his hands half in the air. It was the person to whom I had bumped to and who had steadied me. I raised my head to look closely and gasped. It was _him_. It was Edward. He was here. Why? What for?

I was talking before I could think. 'What are you doing here?' My voice sounded accusing, shaky and definitely hurt.

'I think you should go,' Carlisle said softly to Edward, and all of the other doctors were looking at him. There were seven, including Carlisle, if I counted right. Eventually I looked back at Edward and it seemed like he hadn't taken his eyes off me. 'You've caused her enough hurt and damage. Go now.' He turned a little more commanding, and Edward's eyes still hadn't left mine. I looked nervously around, but each time I ended up looking back at Edward.

It had been so long ago. I felt relieved, almost, for seeing him. But why did I feel relieved? Only for a second, that photo of him and a dark blondish hair came into my mind again, when I let myself know that the photo wasn't important now. The doctors still wanted me tied and fat.

'Edward, get out of this hospital, now, or else I'll have to call security.' Edward briefly looked at Carlisle.

'Yeah, yeah,' he murmured. 'I'm going already.'

'Good,' Carlisle said satisfied. I looked at Edward with big eyes. He was leaving already. He looked at me and his eyes, only a very little, smiled at me. I couldn't smile back. Just stare. 'What are you doing?' I heard Carlisle ask. Edward started walking towards me.

'Going.' His voice was so calm, so normal. But he wasn't _going _out of the hospital, like he just said, he was actually reaching me. With every step, I got more dizzy and I knew I was about to go unconscious. My body had been trough too much activity in the past minutes and it was shutting it out again. I was still able to hear his last words, before I went into unconsciousness. 'I'm taking her with me.'


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: **These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

**A/N: **This chapter was written really fast.. but everything was in a mess, so it took me longer to put everything in the right place, delete a few things, add a few things, then actually writing it. The next chapter is done too, sort off.

About my personal crap.. It's getting better. We aren't ignoring anymore, actually talking. My sister also actually bought me a bunny for Christmas, but it's going straight back to the store, because I already have a rabbit and they need a lot of attention and stuff. I still think it's wrong of people to say stuff and later say sorry, just because the stuff were said in the heat of the moment. But I guess nobody's perfect.

Each time I read this chapter, I change it, so I'm just going to update it, because it keeps getting longer and longer!

Sorry for not answering all of your reviews, but I read them and love them.

**Somebody asked me if Bella has hair, the answer is yes! **But this is Bella's POV and she doesn't realise the quality of her hair is bad and her hair has in fact lessened. When I write Edward's POV, it will all make sense, because he can see too that it's lessening, but Bella can't see how she really looks like when she looks in the mirror.

Enjoy reading.

* * *

**I'm not here to kill you**

'You can't take her,' Carlisle argued immediately. I was coming back to consciousness. I didn't know how long I had been out, but it didn't feel like long.

The other doctors started interfering. They got louder with each word and I didn't hear Edward anymore, arguing back, like he should.

His voice was gone.

I felt a hot, broad, familiar hand on my back and briefly opened my eyes, staring instantly in a pair of green beautiful ones. Yeah, those were familiar to me too. Slowly my eyes dropped close again, and his other hand reached the back of my knees. He raised me so fast, I gripped his back out of fear for flying in the air, pushing my face in his chest. 'Sorry, there,' I heard him murmur close in my ear. 'Didn't mean to scare you.' His voice sounded like he wanted to laugh, but contained himself, because at the same time, he felt bad about himself for laughing about whatever what was funny. At least, that's what I think his voice sounded like. Eventually, I just heard a soft chuckle.

I managed to say, 'Are you making fun of me?' but if it was loud enough for him to hear, I did not know.

Around me, many different voices were still arguing, saying Edward's name, calling it a disgrace, but Edward only started walking.

'You can not do this!'

'Stop your son, Mr. Cullen!'

'This will not happen!'

'The disgrace! The lack of feeling the boy has!'

'_What _is he doing?'

'Where will he take her?'

'Come back here!' This voice was loud, low and scary. 'Security! Somebody call security! NOW!'

I heard Edward snort. What was that supposed to mean? I raised my hands, reaching his bare neck and he actually flinched. 'Fuck it. You're freezing.' He started walking faster and a cool breeze hit my face. I started shivering, and the rain wasn't helping. I was only wearing stupid hospital clothes. My legs were bare, my arms were bare. I was put on something soft and it was also warm in here. A heavy, warm jacket was put around my shoulders. Edward put my arms through the sleeves and I opened my eyes a little. He had taken off his jacket. _Guess where it was now?_

'Bella?' I closed my eyes. 'Bella, Bella,' he said quickly, even shaking me and I forced myself to open my eyes again. He sighed very deeply. 'Don't die. I swear to God if you go to sleep and don't wake up...' He watched me closely, reaching for my chin and pulling my head up even more. 'Could you please not do that to me?'

I closed my eyes and his hand reached my shoulders, squeezing them. I couldn't answer him. I was too tired. All that I could do, was squirm a very inaudible squirm. He gave me a soft squeeze again.

_When did you come?_

_Why?_

_Where do you want to go?_

_Where are you taking me?_

I had so many questions for him, but then again, why should I? Sure he left me a diary full of his life's secrets, but still, I found it weird that he owed me an explanation.

_And I still didn't trust him... I couldn't... Didn't... _I squeezed my eyes, frowning, trying to get rid of the thoughts.

His thumbs ran over my eyes, but I only squeezed then more shut. 'Bella, I'll start driving, okay?' His voice was careful, soothing, soft and everything I wanted it to be. Everything he _could _make out of it, the damned actor he was.

His voice sounded like he didn't want to scare me. 'But we can't go very far, so I'll only take you to...' I didn't hear the rest, I had drifted off to sleep.

Only this sleep was different then when I had slept in the hospital. I wasn't dreading the tube down my nose. I wasn't tied, hand and feet. I wasn't put in a small bed, alone, with no visitors. Not even Dad. Had he even come by once? Had I been asleep? Or hadn't he bothered?

What about Mom? Did she still care about me?

Something inside of me told me it shouldn't be Edward who had to take me away from there. It should have been my parents. They should have come. They should have taken me out of there. But they had never showed up. They weren't there when I opened my eyes the first time. Why hadn't Carlisle even mentioned them to me? Wasn't he supposed to contact the parents whenever a patient woke up.

_Unless the parents had told the doctor not to do that..._

I thought back about home, and if I was there now, how I would be at the toilet now, next to my lying the picture.

_Unknown girl..._

_Edward..._

The girl with light brown hair. I gasped a little. He would never change. He... kissed other girls. He'd done drugs. He smoked every day. He was capable of hurting me, physically as emotionally. Sure, he did say sorry, his eyes showed hurt, even agony, but he always acted first and only thinks about his actions later.

'Bella,' a far away sounding voice said. I suddenly felt myself standing on my own two feet, leaning against his something, probably. But he was holding most of my weight. 'Open your eyes,' he whispered. 'I know your awake,' he almost accused.

I was more and more getting strength to stand myself, without Edward's help and I opened my eyes, slowly lifted my head to meet his eyes. I don't know what my face was showing, but he looked a little surprised. He leaned a little closer to me. I instantly looked away and saw his car behind me. So that's what I was leaning on, then. I hugged his jacket closer to me when a cold breeze ran over me.

I glanced back, my eyes dropping to his lips.

_He had kissed her. Those lips... which are moving right now, talking to me, had kissed her._

'We should-' he started softly, as if I was a moron who couldn't handle fast talking people now.

'You kissed her,' I accused in a whisper, cutting him off, before going back to unconsciousness.

And that plagued me all the time while I was in the black. Whatever else was happening around me, I did not know. Where I was brought, I did not know either.

Next time my eyes opened, I was in yet another room with bright lights. At first I thought I was hospitalized again, but there weren't any machines around me and I didn't hear that constant sound anymore. I was in a big room, on a big bed which was in the middle of the room. It was a very tidy room. As if it had been just cleaned. Scrap that, as if I was the first person who had ever stepped inside this room.

I was also feeling warm for the first time. My hands and feet still felt cold, but the rest felt warm. Usually I was freezing. But even now, wearing only a thin hospital gown, I felt comfortable, because I felt warm.

_When had I stepped inside of this room?_

I could not remember what was the last thing that had happened, when it had happened and where I was now. Had it been a dream, the Edward part?

I was aware of some sounds behind a closed door. It sounded like water running. I slowly got out of the bed and found myself wearing panties, black shorts and a dark blue tank top. No way in hell would this be an outfit that I'd wear voluntarily. It showed way to many skin and not to mention fat.

So that's when I knew for sure I was dreaming and I headed for the door where the watering sounds were still coming and I opened to door and was met with a thick, hot, blinding cloud of steam and behind that was a- _damn me, shit!_ I closed the door shut and was staring at the door wide eyed for a moment.

Was it embarrassing that I was seeing a glimpse of a naked Edward Cullen in my poor dream, or would I die with humiliation if this was not a dream?

I was choking on my own breath. The Edward Cullen of my dream would have had the decency to _close _the goddamn door, damn it! He would be perfect and thoughtful... this could not possible be a dream, and I wanted to punch myself. Why did I open the door?

I had to run, I wanted to run away so badly. I could not ever face him again. I hadn't really seen him naked in the detail, because my eyes landed at the top of his head and they wandered down and then my view was blocked when I threw the door closed. But still! I was at the door which would was probably the entrance door of what ever place this was and when I opened it, it was locked. Thankfully, there was a key on a table close to the door and I was double lucky when it fit and unlocked the door. I ran out of the room and found myself in a long hallway. We were in a hotel.

I ran until I reached the end of a hallway and had the opportunity of running to the left of right.

_Left or right. Pick. _

_Which one?_

I glanced back and froze for a moment.

_Doesn't really matter! _I ran right, and then for some reason made a quick last moment change of mind and went left. I must have looked like an idiot, but right now I could not care. Edward was running after me in just a towel rapped around his waist!

And I felt like an idiot, a big joke.

I was panting and panicking, because I wasn't reaching any stairs or an elevator or something. There weren't even any people and this place must have been huge. I screamed when I felt hands on my arms and found myself able to be running faster and then tripping over my foot and Edward followed, probably not expecting something as expectable as that. The sudden weight of him crushing me down even harder as I landed on the floor, hurt a lot, but I tried not to show anything. I remained completely quiet.

Edward lifted the top I was wearing and put his hands on my back and then he turned me around and quickly looked at my abdomen, arms and legs and eventually my face, and that's when I also tore my eyes away. With the back of his pinkie he softly touched my cheek and I turned my head away for him as well.

'Don't worry,' he said softly, but his voice carried amusement. 'Many girls would die just to see me naked.' My eyes widened, but I still could not look at him. Because of him, I also could not breath anymore. 'Did I hurt you?' he asked, the humour out of his voice. 'It doesn't happen often... _ever _that I fall, and when I do, well, you just witnessed. I end up falling on you.'

He was quiet for a moment and I forced myself to breath, but my whole body shook at that simple process.

'Seriously, are you okay?' I gave a small nod. 'I didn't hurt you?' I shook my head. 'You sure?' I nodded. 'Double sure?' I kept on nodding. 'I did embarrass you.' I kept on nodding and then realizing just quite what I was doing. I stopped the nodding. And I couldn't find myself to deny it. He took my hand and lifted me up. I turned around so that my back was facing him. 'I should have locked the door.' _Ya think? _'Though it's a reunion we'll both never forget.' _Yep, there was the teasing again._

I started walking, and Edward was right behind me. At some point, I had taken another turn to the left and when there was another turn, I decided on right, but Edward took my hand and pulled me along to the left. I could not protest and we were back at the room. I closed my eyes at my idioticy. _We had walked in a circle. _Then I was looking in the green eyes, but they looked tired. I quickly looked away and stepped into the room, releasing his hand.

My plan was to lock myself in the bathroom, but when I was halfway, Edward stopped me and came to stand in front of me. I looked at the ground.

'Bella, how are you doing? For real, are you okay? Please, tell me the truth. How have you been the last few weeks, what has happened, what has changed?' He was talking fast, seriously and he was waiting for answers where I had no answers for.

I started to walk away from him, but he took my hand and pulled me back to where he still was standing. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see anything, when he took my head into his hands and roughly kissed me on the lips. My eyes widened and I was looking for the fourth time into those green eyes. I pushed his chest and he released instantly, just raising one eyebrow and I stepped back, watching him in horror.

'What what that?'

He looked relieved but even I could see he was just faking it. 'A reaction, finally!'

With a pang of disappointment, I remembered the person he was that I absolutely could not stand to be with. He was living in his own little world, not caring about the other people in it.

'Don't look like that, Bella. I don't want to hurt you. And I'm sorry about that kiss.'

I turned for the millionth time and he stopped me again.

'Don't shut me out, not now, Bella. I can't kiss you each time you do that.'

'Then don't,' I hissed.

'Just talk,' he said quickly. 'Talk to me. Why were you in the hospital?' He reached for his clothes and when I saw that he was starting to take his clothes on, I spun around. He had no shame. I wish I was more like that, though. I heard him chuckle. 'You're such a danger to every guy that has pair of eyes and sees how insecure you are.'

He was a guy. He had a pair of eyes.

'Should I run now?'

He appeared in front of me, he had only put on his jeans and my eyes landed down. He zipped and buttoned his jeans. Then he got busy with the belt.

'Definitely,' he said, and I saw how he loosened the belt again and reaching for the button, starting to open it. My eyes flew up and he smiled. 'No, of course not. I'm not that kind of a guy.'

I was still nervous, but not just about Edward making random men jokes who found me hot or whatever. The whole situation was just freakingly scary and a big deal.

'I'll take good care of you, I promise. Until you don't want me to anymore. Then I'll take you personally back to one of your parents, or Carlisle, so at least I'll know you're safe. What ever your choice is, they're all there for only your safety.'

I was watching and hearing him as if I was a slow sheep, needing more time then any other normal person to understand what he was saying. _Edward or being force fed. _Because that's what it came to. Renee would sent me back to the hospital. The same did Charlie and Carlisle was the one who kept me there.

'Weighing over your options, are you?'

Again, I turned my back to him. I was still too disoriented.

He slowly stepped in front of me and I was glad he did not spun me around. I looked up after a moment and he held my eyes.

'Pick me.' His eyes were amused and his lips were giving me his most charming smile, his still naked chest was at the moment blocking most of my view, so I dropped my eyes, found myself staring at his naked feet.

I looked at his and then at mine.

'I'm kidding, right? I'll give you what ever you want.'

Slowly I raised my head, met again by his chest. I could not think of him as a boy. But I could not think of myself as a woman. He was a man and I was a kid. A girl.

'That sounds like a promise,' I said.

My mind was suddenly making over hours. I had decided and I would tell him what I wanted. There was only one thing. I had already failed, so it really did not matter anymore. I didn't care anymore. Besides, Edward wanted to much rather kiss girls at bars, not waste his time with me. At home, I was hospitalized, tied to the bed with a tube down my nose.

My decision was made.

'Kill me then,' I murmured, my heavy eyelids blinked slowly.

He bended down until eyelevel and came closer. His mouth opened and I thought he was going to give me a kiss, but he said, 'No.'

'It's no use!' I said angered, but it changed to hopelessness. He saw it too because his eyes soften and he reached out for me, but I stepped back, too quickly and landed falling on my back. I was shocked for a moment and hoped I would faint by the impact of it.

Not that luck came and I felt like an even bigger joke now.

'You didn't die, did you?' he said and my eyes widened at his joke.

'If you can joke about it, then you should have the guts to do it!'

'No,' he said with a smile, bending down next to me, but I quickly got up and ran right into a corner. I groaned and when I turned, Edward was walking to me, already keeping me in the corner. If I tried to get out by going to the right, he mirrored my movement, until he reached me and I was in the corner, while he put his hands on either side of the wall. 'Shall I do it with a knife? Would you like me to cut your wrists? Because these arteries,' he touched my racing veins at my neck, 'are much closer to your heart and much thicker and would most likely kill you faster. Or do you prefer being choked? I could do it with my bare hands or push you head under water.' I hadn't realized my eyes had widened and that I was shocked, even repelled. I looked away, but he bended down until he found my eyes and watched me intently. 'What's it gonna be?' I looked the other way, but this time he grabbed my face to make me watch him. 'You can't face death. You're too scared. You don't want to die.'

I pushed his hand away and tried to get out of the corner, but he moved his arms each time I tried to duck.

'I was thinking of pills,' I said angrily, watching the ground and making poor attempts to escape.

'No, you said _kill me_.' The sound of a knife pulled out was just too familiar for me and I looked at his hand and stared at the blade. It was coming closer to my face. 'We're doing this.' The certainty in his voice was big enough for me to tear my eyes of the blade and look at Edward, who had been having his eyes on me all the time, I was guessing by the way he was staring and not blinking. I tried to tell him stop with my eyes, but that did not do it for me. I made another attempt to escape, but it was blocked by his arm and he stepped closer so my limited space was almost gone. 'Right. Now.' I _tried _to say no. The blade suddenly pressed against my neck and I was scared my skin would really pierce by the way my heart was beating and the vein where he had the knife on was jumping up and down fast.

'Don't do it, Edward, please, don't, please, I don't-' I choked on my breath, which was coming fast and too many times. 'I don't want to die, please-' I begged and for a second I thought he would really kill me, right here, but then he let go of the knife, letting it drop on the floor as if it wasn't even important. He just looked at me.

_It was never his intention to kill you._

_I know._

But the shock my body felt was too big and too much to comprehend that now and I started to fall, feeling everything in me break, especially that place where my heart was. It was excruciatingly painful and when one tear dropped, I couldn't stop the rest. Edward caught me, but I made no more effort stay upright and he carried me to the bed. He did not put me on it, but sat on it himself with me in his lap.

The moment we were still, I tried to get out of his arms. He pushed my head against his chest and stroked my upper arm.

Under me, near my backside, I felt something shake and I jumped and squeaked, which in return made Edward jump too. He shifted me and reached for his pocket and the standard ringtone kept on going, until Edward hit a button and it stopped, only Edward did not talk to who ever was talking. He put the phone aside and I looked at it. I saw Carlisle was calling him, but he had put the phone in quiet. I reached for the phone.

'I'll tell Carlisle we're on our way,' I said angrily and shakily, taking the phone. Edward's hand on my arm got tighter and I looked at it accusingly. I tried to figure out how his phone worked, holding it with both of my hands. It was a new one, not the one he had in August. It was a Blackberry with too many buttons.

He pointed at the green button, which I had been searching. 'That one,' he muttered.

'Thanks,' I muttered back, giving him a glare, but before I pressed the green button, I looked back at Edward and scowled. He wasn't looking at me, he was watching the door. He had one single tear running down his cheek and it did something inside of me. It made the pain I was feeling a little less and the agony I felt _for _him a little more.

My finger was on the green button, but the strength and reason I at first had to push it, had now vanished.

Just by the sight in front of me.

I still thought of him as beautiful. But to see that tear on his cheek... it didn't make any sense.

His eyes shifted to my lap and he pulled out the phone out of my hand. 'He hung up, I'll dial his number.' Did he even know he was crying? That he was hurt about something, but I did not know what.

I brushed away the tear, then watching fascinated at how it stayed on my finger in one whole drop. Edward's hand ruined it, crushed the drop and smeared it over my finger and his hand, until there was nothing left but just a little salty damp spread over my finger.

He gave back the phone and it was dialling Carlisle's number. I stared down at it and heard a faint _Hello, Edward?_ I put the phone, still on, on the bed and looked back at Edward. He was watching me pained, again I didn't know for what reason. I put my head on his chest and hugged him properly, but only for his benefit. Only because he had cried.

I saw him disconnecting the call and he put his hand back on my arm. I looked at his green eyes closely. I just couldn't help myself. They were so beautiful, gorgeous and admired. Did he know that he had wonderful green eyes? Did he know he wasn't allowed to cry with those green eyes of his? He had the looks, he should be happy.

Not just his eyes, his whole face didn't have a flaw. He was the dream of every magazine who needed a male model.

'I left because of you, _for you_, so you could heal properly. I gave you my past, I told you my feelings and now I'm here in a hotel room with you, Bella, I've driven miles and miles to be on time and to see if you really had been hospitalized. I came back for you. I am doing everything I can to save you. And if that includes making you see that you really don't want to die, I'll show you. And I did and hopefully you still don't truly believe you want to die. Because I'll keep showing you and making you believe that I'm only here to save you, not to hurt you, let alone kill you.' The next thing he said, sounded strained and he almost chocked in his words. His face was still fascinating to watch. The way his eyebrows moved, his eyes changed emotion, his lips... 'Did you really believe I was?'

His eyes were on mine and I nodded, but then shook my head.

'At first you did, but then you didn't?' he said while rising one eyebrow.

I smiled. He was so smart. His fingers ran over my lips.

'What are you smiling about?'

'You.'

'What about me?'

I shrugged. 'You know everything.'

'No, it's as if I know what you're thinking. It's a connection I've made with you. And you've made a connection with me too.'

'I haven't,' I said bewildered.

'Weren't you just pissed off at me and the moment you catch me... _hurt_ you're back to being kind again. You forget about everything I do to you. You've made a connection. And you're very forgivable. Please don't deny this.'

In fact, I didn't say a thing. How could I, when he was talking like this?

'Bella? Why did you say I kissed her?'

I froze and his grip tightened.

'Who are we talking about? Tell me.'

I had to get out of his arms. 'Edward, let go of me.' Something made him loosen his grip and I got out, pushed myself the farthest away from him.

'I really don't know...'

I looked at him stupidly. He must have been drunk. How drunk had he been? That stupid photo had caused many nightmares.

'I really have no idea who you are talking about,' he concluded when I didn't answer him. He reached over for my hand, but I withdrew it.

'I have _proof _so you really don't have to pretend,' I threw at him. This time he looked tiredly. 'She had light brownish hair. Or a very dark blond, I couldn't see very well. You were somewhere crowded and the lights were reddish.' I was seeing every detail of that photo. If I was a well sketcher, I could have draw the damn thing.

I noticed by the look on his face that he remembered. It was just another shot in an open wound. 'What proof?' he asked suddenly. 'And what do you mean by see?'

'I'm sorry,' I said quickly. Had I pushed on too far? 'I didn't mean to upset you.'

He dragged his hand through his hair and I watched, thinking he would lose it any time now. 'What proof?' he asked again, but more softly.

'Photo,' I said, looking down at his hand. The same hand that had... I squeezed my eyes shot.

The bewilderment he had on his face, was excruciating, but I definitely saw hurt in his eyes too. 'What photo?'

I took a deep shaky breath, but my voice was still shaky, when I said, 'James dropped by Forks.'

'Who?' he asked, and this time my head snapped back to his, angrily. He had forgotten about James. But then, again, realization dawned on to him. 'You don't mean, James, _New York, James_?' he asked carefully.

'Idiot,' I murmured to him, but I didn't look at him.

'I'm sorry, but it's not like I think every day about him,' he tried.

I shook my head. Lame excuse. 'What ever. He made a photo while you were kissing that girl. In New York, he said. You didn't see him?' I closed my eyes, but I could still see the photo. 'Not that I care,' I murmured.

His hands were on me calfs, and he rubbed them lightly. I kept my eyes closed, but sighed softly when it started to feel good. I hadn't walked in ages and all my muscles were aching. Only, Edward was making it slightly better. I opened my eyes and looked at his hands, slowly massaging.

He stopped and I almost asked him to continue. Instead, I looked up. 'I wish you didn't,' he replied. He got off the bed.

It took me a moment until I realised what he meant. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'It means that you do care. And I wish you would just not.' I watched him with furrowed brows my mouth open. 'Care, I mean.'

I laughed, but it was humourless and shaky. 'Me? Care? Right.' I rolled my eyes, and he turned around.

'You're still cute,' he said, chuckling. I instantly blushed, freaking cursing in my head. 'Nice,' he said, no doubt referring my red head. 'Shall I ruin the moment?'

'Please, do,' I said, but I didn't know what he meant.

'I _could _say that _James_,' and how he said his name, was only full of hate, 'made that photo that day at the holiday, when you brought me back to the hotel.' My blush disappeared and I turned white. Why hadn't I thought of that? 'But, I'm tired of lying to you, Bella. Especially because you believe every lie instantly.' He crossed his arms and I looked down at my calfs, where his hands had just been. Why was he the only one who could make me feel good, even if it was just for a minute. 'I don't remember her name. But I know we did more then kissing.'

I stopped breathing. More? 'Just say the freaking words, Edward,' I said, looking at my calfs. 'I'm not twelve.'

He appeared in front of me, sitting again on the opposite side of me, but much, much closer this time. I raised my eyes to the green ones, which had turned emotionless. 'I had sex with her.' I flinched. _Shit. _I couldn't do anything right.

'Was she good?' I asked disgustingly, not sure why and how the words left my lips.

He gaped at me. But he changed his demeanour. Looked blankly at me and replied bluntly, 'Very.'

I allowed myself to look pained at him. I had a right to feel bad. Shitty, even.

_It simply hurts._

'Would you also like a detailed report, Bella?' he asked suddenly. My eyes widened, but that didn't affect him. He was watching me intently, still with no emotion for me to read.

What did I ever do wrong to deserve this? 'Ugh, you disgust me. Bet you were too wasted to remember a thing.'

'Wanna bet?' he challenged.

I got out of the bed. 'I hate you, Cullen. Just because you're so good, doesn't mean you should act like an ass.' I wanted to get into the bathroom, but he stopped me, holding my waist tightly.

'Hold a second, Bella.'

'You have the nerve!' I said angrily and he briefly let go of me, but only to spun me around so I was facing him, and his hands were gripping my waist again.

'Why are you so angry?' he asked softly, walking backwards. I was forced to step forward with each of his steps.

'Disgusting asshole,' I said in his face.

The back of his legs hit the bed and instead of dropping on it, he spun me around and put me on the bed.

'I have a theory,' he started, towering above me. 'You say you do not care, but if you really don't care, you should not feel _a thing _right now. You do feel something. And that something is anger and hatred and the damn pain that is so visible in your big eyes. You care. What are you so afraid of?'

I tried kicking him with my bare foot, and just as I reached his crotch (I knew it would have been a hard kick, for sure) he grabbed my foot. Shit. I looked up and now he dared to laugh in my face. 'I'd rather have you mad then hurt. Or afraid.'

I didn't bother getting my foot free out of his grip. What he had said, was so illogical. Even I knew, I was angry, but the feeling of hurt would eventually overpower the anger.

'That picture helped me a lot with puking,' I said in his face, sitting rather awkward with my foot up in his hand. 'So I should _thank you_.' I said sarcastically. His face whitened and his grip loosened. I got my foot out and got of the bed on the other side. 'Thank you,' I said, as I walked towards the door. I stood in front of it but just knew he had locked it. That much trust he had in me. I turned around and he was still standing in the same spot. 'Yeah,' I said, nodding my head. 'That's how much you _disgust_ me.' I was on the verge of crying. But I would kill myself if I freaking cried now.

He reached for his pocket and I saw the famous packet.

'Bet you were trying to quit again, huh?' I asked, pushing him some more. 'How long did you manage this time, twenty minutes?' He briefly looked at me and I didn't miss the glare in his eyes. Glare all you want, pretty boy. It's my turn now to piss you off. He pulled out a cigarette and put it on his lips. He found a lighter. I started walking towards him. 'And I bet you started smoking coke again, too.' I tripped and started falling to the left side. My left hand broke most of the fall and it might have broken the bone in there too. My other hand landed on the floor too and all of my hair came in front of my face. I'm such an idiot. Can't even walk straight.

I keep embarrassing myself.

'Angel, you can't smoke coke,' he said nonchalantly. I shivered at the nickname. 'I would like to help you, but I'm quite sure I disgust you too much to touch you.' I stayed in that position. Sitting half on my side. One hand throbbing and the other one lying above my other hand. I smelled the smoke.

'I'm _sure_ you could find a way to smoke it,' I said, not looking up. I slowly lifted my left hand and made a fist. _So it's not broken._

'Then it would be called crack,' he said.

'I really...' I said, lifting myself up and limping towards the bathroom, 'don't care.' I felt my ankle throbbing. I hadn't even realised I had done something to my ankle.

'Don't get yourself drowned or something,' he called to the closed door.

I felt tears run over my cheeks. Damn Edward. At least he didn't see me now. 'Choke in your smoke,' I called back, but instead I chocked on my own words. Luckily there was already a towel in the bathroom and I got in the bath when the water was warm enough. I didn't bother making it fill, I just wanted the water to fall on my back. It did some good to relax me, but I couldn't wonder what I had done wrong in order for Edward to hate me so. And if it's not hate, then I still could not figure out why he acted like this.

After what felt like hours, I got out of the tub and put the towel around me. Still dripping with water, I unlocked the door and saw Edward lying on the bed. I was welcomed with the extreme heat that was in the room. It was very comforting. My body was already starting to warm up. Except for my hands and feet. They always felt cold.

He didn't open his eyes and I had made enough noise for him to know that I was back in the room. But he didn't say a thing. Maybe he decided I'm not much worth of his time anymore then.

_Why does that hurt me?_

'There's one more thing you should know,' he murmured. He put both of his hands behind his head and I slowly got on the bed with the towel tightly around me. Now it would come. He would say he regretted coming after me, that he would bring me back and what ever else there was for him to say.

I don't know why I layed down next to him and put my head on his chest.

Maybe I was crazy.

Or masochistic.

And slightly hoping I was wrong about my assumptions.

_Please, don't hurt me anymore, Edward. I couldn't handle one more insult. I'm worn out. You've worn me out. _

_One more insult and I'm out._

It seemed like he was waiting for me to say something first. I looked at his face, which looked so calm. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought he had fallen asleep.

I tried to joke, but at the same time, remaining truthful. 'But you've already hurt me enough today. Can't you spare me until tomorrow morning?'

His body shifted and both of his arms sneaked around me, his warm hands on my back. I froze and stopped breathing. _What the... _His fingers softly brushed against my skin. He brought his hand lower, which loosened my towel, and I quickly held on it tightly.

He chuckled. 'Did I now?'

I nodded. 'Yes.' My face was so close to his bare chest and I felt my eyelashes brush his chest each time I blinked. It was such a funny feeling.

He brushed my wet hair out of my face and pushed it aside, so it was laying on the pillow and not on my shoulders and back. 'I apologise,' he said softly.

'You should smoke more often,' I murmured. 'Seems to make your mood better.' I wasn't smelling any smoke in the room anymore, actually. 'Don't ever stop.'

He didn't comment on that. He kept making patterns with his fingers on my back.

'You can say whatever you still got to say to me tomorrow,' I added.

Suddenly, he pressed me against him, and I ended up not being able to hold onto my towel anymore. Double shit. 'All I wanted to say is that I've missed you and that I absolutely hate you for more reasons then you could probably count. You're the reason I can't concentrate on any work and why I try to quit smoking everyday. You're the fucking reason I'm lacking sleep and if I do sleep, have nightmares about getting a phone call from Carlisle, saying you're _dead._' He all but spat the word out angrily.

'Am I also the reason you slept with a stranger?' I asked straight forward. _What a stupid question._

'Yes.'

_Maybe not such a stupid question, after all._

'Great, so I should blame me,' I said exasperated. 'No, wait, it isn't my fault. You just couldn't keep... _it... _in your pants.'

He didn't mock me, which I appreciated. It was the first thing he did right this day. Well, of course not the first. The best thing he did, was probably the punch he threw at the doctor who was about to sedate me. That was like a dream coming true.

Like when you're a child who absolutely hates needles, and while you're crying your eyes out, staring at the door, hoping someone will come in running and scream _Stop, _but then, that person never shows up and you end feeling the familiar sting in your arm... Nobody ever came for you.

Only this time, someone did come for me.

That someone was Edward.

'James was right then,' I said.

'About...?' he asked carefully. I tried to get loose from him, but he would budge.

'Everything,' I said. 'But I was wondering... something I wonder if it is really true. I just don't know... I can't figure out if it's true of not.'

'No,' he said immediately.

'You don't even know what it is,' I accused.

'Answer is no anyway,' he said. He slowly released me and I quickly reached for my towel, tightly pressing it against me. 'But please continue.' His voice was sweet and I glared at him.

'Well,' I started, still throwing him the glare. 'He said, before insulting me a few good times, you didn't tell me where you went, only because you didn't want me to know.'

Wow, now he looked surprised.

'Say that again,' he said, bewildered.

'What?' I asked confused. It was a normal thing to doubt, right?

'You _know _where I was,' he said instantly.

'No...' I said slowly. I shook my head to make the effect look better.

'And you still don't know where I'm taking you?' he asked bewildered. 'You're not worried?'

'Much,' I replied, rolling my eyes. He was looking at me, waiting for the rest of my answer, I guess. 'I'm guessing you're some drug dealer now and still need to pay off a million dollars of debts. And you want to sell my body to some rich dude, so-'

'I fucking hope you're joking,' he said, cutting me off, looking disgusted.

'Huh,' I said when I saw his face. Why should he be disgusted? But then I put my hand up in fake shock. 'You cursed.'

He looked bored, ignoring me. 'Can you _read_?' he asked.

'Jerk.'

'Thoroughly?' he asked slowly, as if the word _jerk _meant _yes_. 'Did you not read I inherited everything that once was my parent's?' I thought about that, but before I could remember, he already started talking. 'Their house in New York? Their money?'

'Oh yeah...' I replied dumbly. I had read that.

'Bella,' he groaned. 'That's where I've been. It was pretty obvious that's where I'd go.'

Obvious? I didn't know. Neither did his siblings and I doubt his parents knew too. Tanya didn't know either, but in order for that, she had to know too that he had a house. I wonder if she didn't know, or if she had, like me, let that slips out of her mind.

'That was just a little detail to all the other stuff you had written down,' I accused. This was not my fault. He had written down other stuff that had gotten my attention.

He huffed. 'Like what? Did the drugs story scare you?'

'No.'

Though it was rather extreme.

'Sex with Tanya, then?'

'No.'

Though he could have left that part out.

'Sex under influence?'

'No.'

Though it did make sense why he had behaved to me that first day I had gone back to school after Ireland. Again, he could have left that part out. It was still Tanya who had been under him.

_Yuck._

'Infertile.'

I snorted. Jeez, like I would ever be a mother. 'Big no.' He raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

'Shrinking heart?'

'No.'

'My past with your Dad?'

I shook my head, betting bored.

'How I was planning on getting into your pants, before I even knew you?'

My head snapped to his. He started laughing.

'It could?' he asked innocently.

'No! That's not what... caught me off guard.'

'First cigarette at nine?' he mused. When I looked at him, he had some look in his eye. Nine was very young. I think these days it was normal to hear kids say they had their first cigarette at such an age, but something in Edward's eyes made me think that he was not that entirely proud about that one thing.

'Only explains your irrevocable love for cigarettes now,' I said, rolling my eyes, trying to joke out of this one.

'Love?' he asked slowly.

'Yes.' I was only saying yes as a conformation of what I had just said, which is _irrevocable love._ I quickly thought and wondered if he was just repeating my words or if he meant in the diary that he loves me. 'I mean no!' I replied quickly, a bit too dramatic. My head had decided that he was probably talking about the love bit in the diary.

'So yes?' he asked slowly.

'Ye- No. I said no.'

_No. No. No._

'A very obvious yes,' he said with a smirk.

_Ass._

I looked down at his chest. 'You're an ass.' He ran his fingers over my balled fists, which were still holding tightly on the towel.

'You and I,' he murmured. 'We make a strange couple.'

I looked up at him. 'I don't think we are,' I said. _A couple. What the heck?_

'No?' He tried to loosen my death grip on the towel, but this time I wouldn't budge.

I shook my head.

'What is the biggest reason?'

Were we really discussing why we weren't a couple?

'I don't really trust you.'

'I could change that, by time...'

I sat up, my back facing him. It just got a little too much. His arms around me, his hands playing with my back, my hair, my hands, even my calfs. And of course this strange discussion. It was just getting too much and I couldn't face him. I could, however, answer him. 'No, you can't.'

The bed shifted, but he stayed behind me. He didn't touch me anymore and didn't turn me around to face him, like he previously had done and also didn't come in front of me himself, to face me.

'I'm not talking days. Nor weeks. Nor months.'

One single finger touched my back, where my spine started. I tensed instantly to the direct skin to skin contact.

'I'm talking years.' He pressed between each of the bones between my spine, slowly going down and it felt good.

Y_ears. Well, allow me to say, _'Fuck you, Cullen.' Was that a joke? Years. As if. He had recently had sex with some random girl and here he was saying he wanted to be with me for years.

He didn't say a thing, and his finger didn't stop or show any sign of my cursing. At some point he had to stop, because the towel started there. Instead of stopping altogether, he just went up again. Very pleasant.

_Yeah, and your not the first girl he's done it too._

'You can't even keep your hands too yourself,' I spat furiously and his hand was gone. I gasped at my own fury. I bit my lip nervously. Sadly, Edward was all I got now. And his light touch was a big comfort to me. 'But don't stop,' I croaked out. I wanted to punch myself for sounding whiny. But if he wanted to have his hands on my skin, well, maybe I should let him. I just hoped he wasn't expecting something from me.

_Of course he does. You're in a hotel with a nineteen year old. Grow up, Bella._

I didn't mind him touching me. It was soothing, comforting. It relaxed my muscles and allowed me to think of something else entirely for a few minutes.

In short, I did not complain at all.

He didn't continue. _Damn you, Bella. You're the one too blame. You just told him to fuck himself, not touch you and then you tell him to touch you. You. Don't. Make. Sense._ 'You're not just saying that, because you're afraid I'll leave you, just because you won't let me run my finger over your back?'

_I would rather call it a massage, but okay._

And he was mocking me! I could hear the mock through the seriousness of his voice.

I shook my head, not trusting my voice.

'It's you who shouldn't curse,' he said softly from behind me. 'It doesn't suite you at all. _And,_' he added in a joke, 'it's a bad habit. You of all people should know.'

I was watching the floor, thinking back about that day when I had told him about swearing and how it is a bad habit.

'Bella,' he said suddenly, putting both of his hands on my shoulders, and I jumped a little at the sudden touch. 'I know I have done nothing but be untruthful to you, I know that. Even after I said I love you,' I wanted to get up, but he pushed my back and I felt him shift on the bed, getting closer to me, so now his voice was closer to my ear, 'I didn't treat you with the respect you deserve. I have given you every reason and right to think badly of me and not to trust me. I have done that. I have caused this. And I have no faith left to even think you'll ever trust me again. But if I keep telling myself, someday, then that's enough for me to get through the day and not do drugs and try to quit the smoking and instead give you all the attention that I want to give you. You're not just some girl to me, I know that's what you think, but you aren't. And I need you here with me, because if I can't see you alive for myself, even if your in this scarily thin frame, even if you're almost dying, even if you'll never heal again and die and even if I'll lose you someday, I'll lose myself. I would always wonder if I could have done anything to save you and your life. I need you, Bella. I need you with me. Close to me.' He pulled me back and I hit his chest with my back, and I realized he had been just one inch behind me. Very close to me. 'Don't leave me. I couldn't forgive myself if you died and I wasn't there to prevent that. Please stay. Please, please, please,' he pleaded in my ear. 'Stay with me.'

I forced myself to keep breathing, which didn't feel like a natural process anymore.

'I scared you again, didn't I?' As I felt him loosen his grip, I understood he wanted to let go off me. I gripped the towel in one hand and with the other I was fast to put it on his arm, stopping his movements. Slowly, he hugged me again. 'Thank you.'

'You need help,' I whispered.

'I need you.'

_God..._

_'No...' _I sighed deeply. 'Edward...' My voice broke. I had to say it now.

'Yes?' he asked politely. I had heard his whole speech, but there was one thing, that could not be true.

'You don't really love me,' I blurted out.

He waited until answering me. 'Then I have a question for you,' he said. 'What am I doing here, then?' he asked softly. 'If it isn't for...' he didn't end the sentence but I heard the word run through my mind.

_Love._

'You tell me.'

'I'm asking you. If I didn't even _care _for you in the slightest, why would I come for you?'

I shrugged. 'I find everything just hard to believe,' I murmured. 'Impossible to believe, actually. You loving me is impossible.'

He sighed and pushed my hair aside, then ever so softly kissed the side of my neck. It was so gentle and kind and his hot breath made me shiver. 'You still didn't answer me.' He brushed his lips slowly to the back of my neck and then gave me a kiss there, but he stayed there for a few seconds.

And more seconds.

'Edward...' I said in a small voice.

'Seven,' he murmured against my skin.

'What?' I asked confused, my voice slightly shaking.

'Seven seconds,' he said, giving another, fast kiss this time on the same spot.' He pushed my hair to the right side now and pressed his lips on the left side of my neck. 'What did I come for, then?'

_He had come for..._

'Sex.'

I blinked at myself. Where had that come from?

I felt him smile against my skin, but he didn't leave, he just kept running his lips softly over my neck, his hot breath was lingering on my skin. My whole body was growing hot, out of embarrassment or something else, I did not know.

'I've already had sex, Bella,' he whispered in my ear and I couldn't help but flinch again. He ran his hands over my arms. 'What I mean, is that I can have sex everywhere with girls that aren't as difficult as you are. So I can assure you, that's not the reason.'

Just like that, he kissed behind my ear and I shivered again at the sensitive spot.

'Edw-' I started breathless, but his hot breath didn't allow me to finish. 'Don-' I started again, but this time I stopped when I felt his teeth graze my skin, close to where my artery was. I squeaked, but his teeth were already long gone. 'Why are...? What are you doi-' I gasped when for a second I felt his tongue.

The blood didn't have much access to my brain anymore and I was getting dizzy. I gripped my head and closed my eyes. Edward held me tightly by my shoulders and thankfully stopped his torture. He quickly layed me down on the bed, probably thinking that I would faint. I kept my eyes shut. His finger was playing with my hair, pushing it aside of my face.

'So difficult,' he murmured.

'Now I'm difficult?' I managed out.

'You were never easy.'

'Do you want me to be?' I asked insecurely.

'Easy?'

'Yes.'

'Do you even know what you are saying?' he asked incredulously.

'Yes,' I said with a tired sigh.

'I don't think you quite do. An easy girl as an easy lay.'

'Hm-mm,' I said in conformation.

'Bella,' he mused and I slowly opened my eyes to look at him. 'Don't be like this.'

'Like what?'

'Not you,' he answered.

'You want to have sex. I'm gonna have to give it to you, sooner or later...' He probably wanted it right now.

He started to laugh and I gaped at him.

'Are you laughing at me? Again?'

'I won't ever get through that head of yours, will I?' he asked while still laughing, taking my hand. My hand was clammy and I felt again embarrassed for him taking it. His hands were just warm, and he held my hand with both of his, not letting it go. 'You think I'm kissing you like that, just to have sex, just to get my way, right?'

'I know you do,' I said with a scowl and he laughed again. 'What's so funny?' I bit my lip, nervously.

He smiled when he looked back at me. 'You're wrong. You.'

'What?'

'I have other reasons for kissing you. And I'm laughing because you truly believe I want to get inside your pants.'

I shook my head and sat up. The dizziness was gone.

'What I am trying to show you, my dearest Bella, is that you body reacts when I do that to you. You're attracted to me.'

My eyes widened and I punched his arm. 'Ugh.' I pulled at my hand, but he pushed it closer to him. 'You're wrong.'

'You breath faster. Sometimes, you stop breathing altogether. You get nervous and insecure. You're heart starts to race.' He put the back of his right hand on my heart and then smiled. He put his hand back on top of mine, which he was still holding with both of his hands.

'Just shut up,' I said, yanking at my hand and not wanting to look at him anymore. He knew everything.

He pushed my hand up, on his naked chest where his heart lay. 'No worries, Bella.' He let go of my hand and my palm was pressing his chest. I was staring at it wide eyed. 'Mine is going twice as fast.' I started to feel a heart beat, which was also racing. I was confused at first. Why would his heart be beating so fast? 'Because of you.'

I pulled my hand back and stared at him in shock. 'Can you read my mind?'

He raised his eyebrows, slowly smiling. 'No... But I can read your face. The questions was just written in your eyes.'

I steered a little and found myself sitting close to the edge of the bed. I felt myself slip of the bed and I raised my leg for balance, but Edward got closer and with one hand grabbed my arm and with the other my waist and pulled me quickly closer to him, until I bumped into him, with both of my hands on his chest and my leg around him. I was sitting on my other leg. I looked up and he was looking down at me. We both didn't move and we stayed like that for a few seconds.

'Thank you,' I said, dropping my eyes to his chest.

_Chest hair. He's a man. But he's only nineteen._

I raised my eyes back to his. 'Anytime,' he said with a nod.

My heart was racing again, and I hoped he didn't feel it with our chests so close on each other.

'Mine is still going twice as fast.'

I widened my eyes. He could read my mind. He could not possible know what I was thinking by just looking at my face.

'Yes, I can,' he said.

'Aargh,' I said, pushing him away. I raised my knees to my face and held onto my legs tightly. This was so scary. 'You _can_ read my mind.'

He smiled broadly. 'Oh, Bella. If that was true, I'd be very lucky.'

'You are,' I said.

'No, I really can't. I'm just guessing at what you are thinking. Promise.'


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: **These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

**A/N: **Caution** **Chapter contains a big shock. o.O Consider yourself warned.

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**I'm not a stranger. No I am yours. With crippled anger and tears that still drip soar ~ Cut by Plumb**

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**Mischief, pain and hope**

'Another question.'

I waited.

'Wanna get wasted?'

I blinked and slowly turned to see his face. He smiled, and it seemed like he was actually serious.

'What?' I asked in disbelief.

'Drunk, intoxicated, loaded, tight, pissed, tanked up.' He seemed to be thinking for more. '_Drunk_.'

_What the hell just happened?_

'You know?' he asked.

'What?' I just asked again.

'All those words mean the same, Bella. _Drunk. _You up for it?'

'What?'

He chuckled and with no doubt because he thought I was stupid and because I had turned into a parrot. 'I'm not trying to ruin you, gorgeous. But you seem like you need to get wasted. Have fun.'

'I'm insulted,' I said. That was his way of telling I looked dead and bored.

'Come on, _honey_,' he said, taking my hand. I pulled my hand out of his though. The nickname thing really didn't do it for me. I tried to think of how to get out of this, but he took my hand again and this time he didn't let go. He got off the bed and pushed me along. Only, he pulled me quite hard and I flew against his chest. I was too stunned to speak and _almost _cursed when I almost dropped the towel. 'My God,' I shrieked. It was hard to keep it up with only one hand and when I tried to pull out my hand out of his, he only gave me a pull back. _Don't drop, _I pleaded with the towel. I glared at him, but the grin on his face made my anger disappear. He seemed like such a sweet, happy kid, enjoying his time.

Except what he said next. Definitely not a kid speaking.

'No God of yours is here,' he said, bending down, _almost mocking me_ and whispering in my ear, 'just me. That is, if you want to have me.' I blushed, breathing ten times as fast and felt my heart accelerated. Stupid body reactions. I felt thrilled, happy, scared, different emotions through my body, emotions which shouldn't even be there. Somehow, his skilled hands managed to get under mine, holding now the towel for me. First, he only tightened it more, and when I saw the wicked gleam in his eyes and his broad smile, I widened my eyes.

'No, don't you dare, Cullen!' I said fast and loudly, and luckily he didn't yank the towel off of me, or something like that.

He pushed me back and back until we reached the door of the bathroom. 'Cullen, is it now?'

I wanted to stick my tongue at him. In his case, maybe the finger would be more effective. But I did none of that, of course. I didn't dare.

'Why are you thinking so much, Bella? Always absorbed in your mind. Good thing I have the perfect solution for that.'

'What solution?' I almost stuttered out.

'Alcohol.'

'That's not a solution,' I said.

'No?' He held the towel in one hand while taking my hand with his free one. He put it on the towel and did the same with my other hand, and just like that, I was holding the towel now. 'Don't let go,' he joked.

I turned around, opened the door, stepped into the bathroom and closed the door without looking back at him.

If he wasn't around me, I always felt like I could think better, make better choices. When he was around me, I felt like wreck.

'I've got some clothes for you,' he called. I've put them next to the door, you don't even have to open the door completely. My eyes are closed. Promise.'

I considered it for a moment. 'No,' I said.

'You know what?' he said. 'I'll go wait outside. See you there.'

After a second, a door opened and closed. Was he really gone? I waited for a few more minutes, but didn't hear any sound anymore. It was now or never. I opened the door and quickly grabbed what I saw lying on the floor and locked the door again when it was all inside the bathroom.

A pink bra. Pink panties. Freaking great. Guess beggars can't be choosers. But seriously, what an hideous colour. I put them on and wondered why Edward freaking Cullen was walking around with pink underwear in his bag. He had also added a grey jogging pants and a sweater with a very bright colour.

Pink.

_Great._

I couldn't find the size of the pants, the bra nor the sweater, but I almost wanted to call eureka when I noticed that the panties still had their tag on. I looked at it, but the size had been marked black and something else had been written on it.

_Vivere__ ;) *_

Now I was pissed. _Edward._

_I hate you._

_Edward._

_I hate you._

_Edward..._

'Yeah, I hate you,' I mumbled.

I put it on and opened the door, looking angrily around. He was really gone. He had also put a pair of ballerina's on the ground and they fit perfectly. And that just angered me more because he knew it all. But how? It was almost too scary to be real. I opened the door and went downstairs. I looked around, but he wasn't inside. I stepped outside, instantly feeling cold. Of course it was raining. Where was he? I felt him put his hands to cover my eyes.

'Guess who?' he asked.

'Santa Claus,' I said sarcastically. He spun me around, very quickly and my breath caught in my throat by the movement. I couldn't help but add, 'Have I been a good girl, Santa?'

'No, you were the naughtiest of all,' he said. He suddenly stood really close to me, staring in my eyes. 'You're angry,' he stated, pulling back. I turned and walked away from him. 'Was it something I did, Bell-a?' he asked, and I knew he had gone to a full acting mode. He knew very well it had to do with everything he had done. My body was shivering and Edward stepped in front of me. He put both of his hands on my neck and I shivered by the hotness on my cold skin. 'You're freezing, silly girl, why didn't you tell me?'

I closed my eyes and his hands left my skin. 'I'm fine,' I mumbled.

Seconds later I felt a warmth over my back and chest.

'Better?' he asked.

I was still shivering and he helped me inside his jacket, more like forced my arms in the sleeves and zipped it close. I saw that he had put on a sweater.

'There are other ways as well to get you warm.' Slowly I opened my eyes. And glared. Why did he always have to talk about sex? At least he didn't stand so close to me anymore. 'Alcohol, of course,' he said as in a big duh. Alcohol was his answer to everything. 'You know, Bella. As much as a little, innocent girl as you may be, you do have just one thing on your mind.'

'It's all your fault,' I said furiously, walking away from him again. The sleeves of his jacket were too tall for me and they ended under my hands.

'Mine?' he asked fake shocked.

I smiled a little. 'It's always your fault.'

'What can I say? I'm selfish and only think for myself.'

'Yes,' I agreed.

'I didn't just have a 50 hours drive all the way to you.' My mouth dropped a little. And I stepped back, only for him to reach me again. 'I received an email about three days ago. You want to know what the subject was?' I shook my head, but it had no use, he told me anyway. '_She died._ And it took me five hours to convince myself you died. I told myself you were dead. I accepted it, pretty fast, because, I sort of knew you would die. So... you died. That's what I kept telling myself. I had to convince myself you had died, before I opened the mail. Then, when I finally could say to myself _she's dead _I opened the mail, see what Alice had written to me. Had you taken pills, hung yourself, took a knife? Or had you just dropped and died, finally taken by Ana? Do you want to know what she had written?' He stared at me a long time until I nodded. 'A few very simple lines. "She's ill and treated ill. Dad won't listen, thinks it's for the best. Do what you want to do with this information and have a Merry Christmas, in case I may not see you again. Your sister, Alice, always." He shook his head. 'Oh, how I wanted to kill you at that moment. I would have if you were there.'

'You mean Alice?' I said carefully.

He turned to look confused at me.

'Alice, you mean you wanted to kill Alice, not me.'

'No. I mean you, Bella.'

'I didn't do a thing,' I said.

'You died,' he accused.

'I never did!' I said.

'Twice,' he said, his eyes changing. 'Let's not forget the heart failure, when I had to feel your hand go limp, hear your breathing stop and feel your heart stop beating, _when I had to see and feel you die next to me_. Do you realize how powerless I felt? That day you died next to me, and couple of days ago you died again, but this time for real.'

I was slightly shaking and breathing irregular. 'I didn't die a few days ago,' I whispered slowly.

'You did in my eyes,' he said. 'I convinced myself you did. I accepted it. With all the pain, grief and hate I felt.'

I dropped my eyes, thinking of what to say.

'I had spent five hours, thinking you are dead, only to read you are not. Again. Still alive. Somebody up there must really hate me.' He laughed without humour.

'Why?' I asked exasperated, looking back up. 'Why would she write that? Why would she write about me anyway?'

He raised an eyebrow, until he smiled. 'She wrote that, because I didn't ever mail, call or text back. Most of the missed calls and unread mails and text I deleted without reading them first, were hers. She probably thought that that would be a good way of getting my attention. _And _as to why she wrote about you in the first place?' I nodded. 'Isn't it pretty obvious?' I shook my head. 'Also not after I gave you my past? Gave you information that I had never given to anyone else? Took a 50 hours drive to get to Forks, only to leave right after stealing you from the hospital? Bella, it all just too obvious.'

For the first time I noticed his heavy eyelids. He needed sleep, badly. 'You look tired,' I said. The rest he had said to me, I ignored.

I never told him to come for me.

I never told him to have a long drive with probably not enough sleep.

'You'll never get it,' he said with a charming smile. 'Come, I want to show you a good time,' he said, walking me to a liquor store.

'No.' It seemed like he also wanted to change the subject.

'Let me.'

'No.'

'Please?'

'No.'

He came to stand in front of me and bended a little. 'Per favore? Io prometto che sarò buono con te.'**

I stilled and he looked confused for a moment, until he went for a blank face. His voice changed when he talked like that. It became deeper, kinder and almost more like himself, like he was made to speak that language and not English. It suited him so well. It was as if he wasn't even Edward but somebody else. And I couldn't understand what he meant, so I tried to take a dislike to it, no matter how sweet and seductive his voice sounded.

'Don't do that,' I murmured.

'Is it annoying?' He still had a blank face.

'Very much,' I said.

He smiled mischievously. 'Good.'

I walked past him, but he was already just inches away from me. 'Are you _trying _to annoy me?'

'Thought I already was,' Edward said, winking.

He had pushed me into the liquor store and I saw him rolling his eyes, but he was also smiling.

The store wasn't big, but it was filled with bottles from bottom to top.

He purposely blocked my view and looked down at me. 'I'll get you something sweet, you'll love it.' He walked over to the two men talking to each other, before I had any time to protest.

'What can we get you?' one of them asked. He was as tall as Edward but nowhere as near as... Yeah, Edward was hot. The other watched me, who was shorter, and I glared at him. What happened to asking ID's first?

'An Irish Cream and a Canadian Ice Wine,' he said and they both found a bottle.

'He's not 21,' I said and when Edward turned his head to me, he smirked. I smirked right back.

'ID please,' the tall one asked and Edward turned back, flashing a card.

'Take off a 500 extra for each,' he said and I gasped.

'Edward!' He ignored me. 'I'm seventeen,' I said. 'You don't want my ID?'

I saw Edward shake his head. 'You know what, will a 1000 dollars for each of you make you two forget we've been here?' he asked.

'You bet,' they both said, taking the card and taking off the money. 'Pleasure doing business with you.'

'Anytime,' Edward said, taking a bottle in each hand. He glared at me and I stepped back, turning quickly and getting out of the store. But soon, I was unlucky again. His arms were around me, stopping me, the ends of the bottles slightly pressing in my stomach. _Fat._ 'I'm not _really _mad at you.' I could feel the laughter in his voice in the way he was talking. 'You're quite fun, Izzie. One moment you are fighting like a wild dog, the next you're lying on the floor, wounded.'

He let go of me, put left one arm around my shoulders, leading us back to the hotel. Passengers looked strangely at Edward, and quite frankly, he looked like a drunk and the sight was hilarious. I had already forgotten he had called me Izzie.

'Excuse me, but are you laughing at me?'

I shook my head while I laughed and then stopped for a second and then laughed again, which continued for a few minutes. Back at in the hotel room, he but the bottles in the little refrigerator and I had already dropped on the bed and kicked off the ballerina's.

'Can't wait,' Edward said.

'Sure you can,' I replied. And then I remembered the 1000 dollars. 'Have you gone insane? You gave away a 1000 dollars!'

'For each of them,' he corrected. _2000 dollars_. 'And the drinks.' I looked shocked at him, because I had forgotten he had also paid for the drinks. He only chuckled. He was throwing around the money he had for no apparent good reasons. 'I don't need to deal drugs for money. I won't sell your body to some rich dude, because that rich dude you're talking about, is standing in front of you.' My eyes widened. 'What can we do in the mean time?' he asked slowly and he sat next to me, as if he hadn't just said something very inappropriate. My heart picked up its beat again. 'Ideas?' He looked at me and I blushed, but only because he kept pushing answers. He laughed when he saw my face. 'Close your eyes.'

'What?' I said.

'Just do it.'

'What if I don't want to do it?'

He rolled his eyes. 'Why not?'

I scowled at the question. 'I... I don't want to.'

'Fine,' he said, sitting close next to me and putting his right arm around me, pushing me even closer.

'Edward...' I said, trying to get away from him.

'Let's talk?' he said carefully.

'No, thank you,' I said, still trying to push myself away. His tone suggested that the talk he wanted to have, was not a pleasant one.

He had by now pushed me so close to him, so that he in fact could hold my hand with his right hand. His free hand was making circles around my knee.

'By the way, you own me a big thank you,' he said suddenly. 'I mean, I did come and take you away right in time.' I turned me head to him but his eyes suddenly glazed over, thinking about something else. 'I'm going to sue that doctor. I'll sue Carlisle as well.'

'Your own father?' I snorted.

'Fathers use their kids, rape their daughters, hit their wives, it happens daily.'

I steered a little so I could face him better. 'The are not all bad.'

'They are not all good,' he shot bad.

_Useless, just useless, talking to Edward._

'I'm sure yours is good,' he said softly.

I scowled, because I hadn't even thought about that. I wasn't even offended.

'Really,' he added. 'He tried, right?'

I nodded. Charlie had tried a little.

'And you don't like your Mom very much?'

I closed my eyes. 'It's complicated. I'd rather not talk about it.'

I felt him push some of my hair away from my face. 'Call them.'

'No, what?' I asked, my eyes open. 'When, now?'

He nodded enthusiastically.

'Are you crazy?'

'I just stole you,' he said with a chuckle. _Was that his way of saying yes?_

'Stole?'

'What would you prefer to call it? I never asked you. I never asked the doctors. When you take that what is not yours, I would call it stealing.' He's gone mad. 'Which makes me wonder if we've already reached the news yet,' he added thoughtfully.

'Excuse me?'

He was now playing with my fingers. 'Charlie will be able to-'

'They never visited me,' I interrupted. 'What does he really care?'

'He did visit, he does care, and I stole his daughter.'

His finger one my knee started to get down and I slapped my hand on his so he would stop. He chuckled and took my hand in his, warming it. Now he had both of my hands. 'Could you stop saying _steal_. I came willingly.'

'Hmm. Doesn't matter, really. You're seventeen, so your parents own you pretty much.'

'What are you saying?'

'That this adventure won't last.'

I widened my eyes and he quickly continued.

'I don't mean to scare you, Bella, and you're always welcome at my place in New York, but I don't have a saying in this when it comes to your parents.'

'Isn't there any way?'

'A way for what?' he asked softly.

'For me not to be forced back...'

'Oh.' He laughed. 'Wait. Until you turn eighteen.'

'That will take ages,' I said in annoyance.

He laughed again, no doubt finding me funny. 'I could find a few ways, Bella.'

'Tell me,' I said, quickly looking up at him.

His green eyes twinkled with mischief, pain and hope. It amazed me how I was even able to noticed those feelings out of his eyes.

'Which ways, Edward?'

'No way, Bella,' he mused.

'What? You just said you could find a few-'

'Not what I meant,' he said, interrupting me. 'I meant I can't tell you. You wouldn't like the ideas, so why bother telling you?' Again that twinkle in his eyes. Mischief, pain and hope.

'I think you are up to something,' I said, meaning the mischief. 'And for some reason, it hurts you.' _Pain. _'But you keep your hopes up.' _Hope._

That twinkle left his eyes for a complete blank one. I scowled when it left. Had it been fake? 'There's nothing I can do. Soon your parents will come and demand you back.'

'No,' I said, worrying. 'They can't, Edward, can't you do something?' He shook his head with a sad smile. 'Anything, I'll say yes to _anything_.' I was pleading by now.

'Anything?' he said in a little surprise. I quickly nodded. 'Are you sure, Bella?' I nodded again. Anything. I would do anything. So nobody would interfere with me. Why could they not understand me? Why did Mom look at me as if I was a stranger and not her daughter? Why did Dad not show up for me at the hospital, or better yet, let those doctors do what they did to me? For now, I couldn't accept their behaviour. Maybe some day I could. But for now, I just wanted to be away from them. I needed to be perfect. I looked up at Edward. I had to try to be perfect for him as well, so he wouldn't dump me, leaving me with no option but to go back to Dad. Or Mom. Who would probably send me to the nearest eating clinic. I would do anything Edward thought would be good enough for them no the take me. Edward pulled up and took my hand, pushing me on the edge of the bed. I was sitting now with me bare feet hanging over the bed, they were not reaching the floor. Edward had gotten off of the bed and stood in front of me. He took my right hand in both of his. I lifted my head to meet Edward's blank face. He raised just one eyebrow. 'Because after you say yes, there's no turning back.' He dropped to one knee, holding my gaze for a long time. I hate to admit it, but it took me a long time to realize what he was doing. And when I did realize, I screamed while yanking my hand out of his, crawled to the other side of the bed and started running to the bathroom door. I didn't make it though, because I fainted midway.

* * *

**A/N: **Translations, of course ;)

* Live

** Please? I promise I'll be good to you.

Edward has much to endure, hasn't he? A very difficult Bella, who's currently on the floor, with Edward hanging above her, thinking _Fuck!_


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait, I've been having a testweek, went horribly wrong, it ended thursday and I said to myself, I'm gonna update! Because I had this really tall chapter, 11.000 words, but then I didn't like it. So I started to write a whole different chapter, and this one I like more.

Be prepared for a not so smooth ride.. I've done my very best for this chapter, that at this point, it's driving me insane.

* * *

**Christmas present**

I wasn't gone long, because when I opened my eyes, Edward's face was the one of concern. I tried to say something, but found myself too numb for that. Instead I took unsteady breaths and pushed myself up from the cold floor. Edward was looking very wary. I felt everything tremble. My body, my hands, my lower lip, but why? They were shivers that reminded me of cold and fear.

Edward, on one knee, just about to propose to ask me to be his-

_No!_

Impossible.

Now each breath came with more trouble, my chest raising very high with each intake for air. Simple air. I shook my head. This was not happening to me, not now, not ever.

I hadn't seen Edward move, but his fingers touched my face until I backed away and looked up at him.

'What are you doing?' I whispered, taking another shaky breath. 'What did you do? Why... would you... do... that?' I felt strange. This felt like a lie. Like a strange dream which would always remain strange and you'd never understand why you'd every dream such a strange thing. This all felt as if it wasn't true. As if someone really had made up some torturous plan to just... torture me. Just because they like to see me in pain.

_I'm being ridiculous._

Nobody would give that much attention to me, even if it was only for causing pain.

I was feeling even more ridiculous.

Then why would it hurt me so? I had begun to sob and put my hand on my mouth to slightly stop the shaking. 'Why?' This was his doing. Edward Cullen's. Someone I would never understand. I loathed him. Right?

He's like the rest. He's up to something!

'What are you up to?' I hissed, but any fool could hear the shaking in my voice, and place it with fear. Fear is a sign of weakness. Show anyone weakness, and they'll use it against you. Anything they got to use against you, will haunt you; the thought of them someday using it, will always be there. The only question was as to when they would decide to bring it up to the world.

'Nothing, Bella, don't-' He stopped talking. He scowled very deeply as he raised his hand again and this time he ran his fingers over my cheek. I was still shaking, or maybe that was internally. I hoped it was internally, so he wouldn't see. I felt my whole body shivering... of course it wasn't internally. He could see me, like this, in my most harmful position. What had he done to me? Everything in me was boiling with anger, yet I could not find the strength to scream and be angry at Edward. I didn't know why. 'I'm so sorry. It was a mistake and I should have foreseen it. I didn't and I'm sorry.' He dropped his hand. 'I guess you didn't truly mean _anything_.'

I sniffed, loudly and not quite ladylike, and then looked up at him again. I tried to keep off the look on my face that said I didn't know what he was talking about. I had forgotten our conversation before I had fainted. Why again did he get on one knee? Had I said anything? _Anything_ for what? Why had I said anything? What had gotten me that desperate?

'Very and truly.'

This time I was confused and shook my head to myself. Of course he'll apologize. He wants something. Then I thought it wouldn't kill me to just ask... 'What do you want?'

'Nothing,' he said quickly, repeating himself. 'I do _need_ you to take a breather.' He was looking slightly troubled about something. 'Calm down a little.'

He's lying, lying, lying. I stared at him, longer, harder, intenser... _lying._

I gasped, as I remembered.

_They can't, Edward, can't you do something? Anything, I'll say yes to anything._

It had been a way to keep me with him, I figured.

'That's not quite sure what I meant,' he softly said with a smile. He had wrapped his arms around me and I stopped breathing, feeling everything in me... pound faster and at the same time stop pounding.

'What?' I slowly asked, breathlessly. I hadn't understood what he had meant with his remark.

'You weren't exactly calming down,' he whispered close to my ear. He was hugging me sideways, so his mouth was sort of directly at the side of my ear. 'Forgive me?'

My eyes widened. No. _He's playing with you._

'For a foolish mistake...?'

_Is he?_

'Please forgive me?'

He wasn't giving me enough thinking time! His voice was too distracting, his arms around me were too warm, his breath against my face was too much, his choosing of words was perfect.

I decided to shake my head, but his lips softly pressed against the side of my eye. Both my eyes dropped automatically, closing and I couldn't help but actually like that feeling. I bit my lip. Was this the first time I admitted, to myself, that I liked a certain kiss of his? Was it really?

_Did I really like it?_

'Can you please forgive me?'

I took a shaky breath and felt his grip tighten. I nodded my head.

'Are you okay?'

I nodded again.

'Are you sure?'

'I said I was,' I snapped. I was beginning to feel some better again. With better, I meant the sarcasm and bitterness was rising.

'You seemed very scared,' he said. 'I just have to be sure.'

I sighed. 'You can let go of me now.' He gave a quick kiss on my head and lifted me up. He pushed me to the bed until I sat down and then he sat beside me.

'I don't like the idea of you being scared, Bella,' he said. He pushed some hair away from my face and ran his fingers through that piece. 'If it helps, then I want to tell you that you don't have to be. I'm not planning on hurting you.'

_Are you not? _

This was my moment to ask what I wanted to know, so badly. 'What are you planning?' I looked at him and saw he was looking at the side to the wall, thinking about something. Whatever his reply would have been, I had already interrupted. 'You are planning something.' And the way that I said it, sounded very much like an accusation.

He scowled at me tone. 'Yes.'

My eyes widened in shock. No denial? No objection? One simple yes?

'But I can't tell you,' he said. He smiled sadly when he looked at me. 'I won't do anything bad.' His tone had turned sadder and softer.

I bit my lip and my whole body went to alert. What is he planning? 'Then why not tell me?'

He shook his head.

'Well... then... I highly doubt that you _won't_ do anything bad,' I said, not looking at him.

'This might seem like I'm playing unfair, but if you'd be able to see everything the way I see it, you'd thank me. I can guarantee you that when you're with me the upcoming months, you'll be much happier then when you are not with me. It's as simple as that.'

I scowled, because hadn't he said something about this adventure not... that it wouldn't last that long? 'How's that?' I asked instead. I didn't want to think about one of my parents coming back for me.

'Because of all the things I'll do to you.'

'What will you do?' I didn't add _to me _and held in my breath.

He chuckled. 'Stay with me and find out.'

I groaned. Never a normal answer! Never playing fair, no matter what he said! 'Why won't you tell me?' And I was more then just a little annoyed now.

'Because you'll leave when you know.'

I stared at him, wondering if he was telling the truth. How can he say such different things? First he won't do anything bad, and then second, whatever _it_ is, it's bad enough for me to want to leave. 'What are you saying?'

'I'm saying I want you to stay with me, but once you are at my place, I might not go as soft on you as the rest. And I won't let you go that easily if you asked me to. You see, when I say I'll do something, I intent on keeping my word.'

I understood when he said _as the rest_. Of course I should have known. The answer was so simple. I had been thinking too hard, thinking that his plans would be difficult to find out, but in fact, it couldn't be more simple. I knew what he was talking about. I knew it now. 'Oh, what will you do?' I sarcastically began. 'The same? Chain me as well? Borrow a feeding tube from the local hospital? If that's what you'll do, _keep dreaming_, because I won't go with you. What would be the difference?' I hated the feeling of hurt that was coming inside of me again. I had thought Edward wouldn't do those things.

He had already grabbed my waist to prevent me from leaving. I bit my lip, fearing I had gone too far. But what would it help to go with him, if I would only be treated like that again? What difference was there? None. 'Smart girl, _but,_ then again, not so smart. I won't do something that won't work. You see, that is where the difference lies between me and the ones you know. I'll do something they didn't manage to do properly. I'll fix you. Feeding tube down your nose won't do the trick. Tying you triggers anger and hatred from you, not that I would have even thought about that option. Therapy doesn't work that well. Eating clinics only seems to make matters worse. I'm going to try a whole different tactic. And you'll absolutely hate it.'

My lower lip trembled from sadness and fear. The trembling momentarily stopped when he had his lips on mine, but the rest of my body had taken over the trembling. 'Bella,' he gasped after the short, little kiss. 'Don't be afraid.'

'I don't like this anymore,' I whispered, looking down. He wasn't who I thought he was. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing if my parents did come for me.

'Bella,' he mused softly. 'I'm going to fix you.' Why was I shaking my head? 'You're scared, I can see that. Let me give you a rough example... When a wild animal, who used to love to be in the wild nature, has been kept in a cage for a long time, he's scared to get out of that cage ones the doors open to freedom. You'd think he'd run back into the nature, but in contrary, he stays in the cage. Why? He knows that cage better now then the nature. Suddenly, it's the nature what he's scared of.' I looked away and he gave me a soft shake. But I didn't turn my head to look at him. He already knew well enough I was listening. 'I know you're scared, Bella, trust me, I really do. Because you're so used to this situation you're in, it fears you to get out. It's too big out there. Too scary. Too wild for you.'

He paused when I put my arms and head on my knee, trying to control my breathing. This was his doing. His fault.

His hand started making circles around my back.

'I'll guide you. Never leave your side. And never give up.' _You're a liar. _Did he expect me to believe that he would just stay with me, for the rest of my, probably short, life? 'I'll be there to guide you,' he repeated.

'Force me,' I corrected him in a whispered. _You'll be there to force me._

He didn't answer quick enough. Then he said something even worse. 'I might.'

_Please, don't. _'What if I beg you not to?' I was willing to beg, I even already was, internally.

'What are you having in mind, Bella? Because what I have in mind, isn't that bad.'

My mind told me he'd do things to me I'd absolutely hate, because those were his own words from five minutes ago. 'Then tell me,' I said again.

'No.'

I looked up at him. 'Why not?'

'Because,' he said slowly, 'then you wouldn't want to come with me anymore.'

I nodded for a second, hating that he didn't give me different answers. He really was playing it smart. Or I was just playing it not smart enough. I then said sarcastically, 'It is pretty bad.'

'To you, yes. To me, no.'

To him it's not bad... No, still no clue. 'Just tell me, I don't like being kept in the dark.' Tell me, tell me.

'Only for a few more hours,' he said completely at ease.

'Yes,' I said, 'but once I know what you have in mind, you're probably already doing it to me, because that's the only way I'll find out... the moment you're doing it... and then it's too late to get away from you.' From it. What was the _it_? The big, mysterious _it_.

'You know, it's not anything painful, gross or weird. It's legal. Why make such a drama?' I hadn't really dared to look at him throughout the whole conversation.

'Shoot, I won't be able to sue you then afterwards...' When I looked up he almost broke out in laughter, but instantly looked serious when he saw my face. He reached for me again, but I turned my head and never felt his hand reach me. He must have dropped it.

'I promise it's not painful.'

'Doesn't mean a thing.'

'Ouch.'

I looked sideways, and mumbled, 'Sorry.' It wasn't like I meant to rub every of his mistake in. I was simply saying the truth.

'Would you mind sleeping here one night, then? I'll bring you back tomorrow.'

'What? No! Not back...'

He raised an eyebrow. 'Pick, Bella. Forks or New York.'

'You won't like my answer.' Because in fact, it was not Forks or New York. My pick was bad treatment or Edward treatment... who knew what that would be?

'Which is?'

'Seven feet under.' I sighed and looked away.

'Oh, I'll give you a reason not to feel suicidal anymore,' he said, his voice suddenly harder and confident. 'And the expression, _Bella_, is six, not seven feet under.'

'Oh,' I said, repeating him. I tried to be sarcastic and uncaring. 'Is that a threat?' I was referring to his first remark. The second hurt, which made me feel weak again.

He inched closer, not quite looking scary, but saying in a neutral face, 'If any time is the right time for you to be scared, now would be the right time.'

For some strange reason, I was not afraid. The anger I had felt previously, was now coming up. And it was coming _fast_. All his mysterious being, first being a comfort, then being an ass, had been too much for me. At this point, being here, was no better then at the doctors in Forks. I let my mouth and mind say whatever it had on it's mind. 'Yeah. You know, Edward, I really hate you. I hate you so much, I wish you were dead. You're just some selfish, evil, low, disgusting jerk and I really wish I'd never met you. I _wish_ actually I died that day at school, then you'd have had a death on you conscience, not that you'd care, since you're heartless and cold and... _evil_!' I spat out the last word, not finding a better one to finish with and the way he looked at me... I glared at him. Why didn't he look hurt, taken aback, or maybe even angry?

He crossed his arms and waited for a few more seconds, until he raised an eyebrow. 'You done? Did you get it all out of your system? Are you sure there's not more? Now's the perfect time to get it all out, since you're doing so well, Bella, so please, continue, if there's more boiling inside of you.'

'Ugh, you're so arrogant,' I said, giving his chest a push. He didn't flinch. 'No wonder Emmett hates you. I should have listened to him but instead I'm stuck here with you, going to _hell_, with the devil himself and I bet you'll show no mercy when you burn me in your stupid hell! You think I'll like it there? I'll freaking hate it, Cullen! And I hate you. I hate you! I really, really hate you so much that-'

He took my face in his hands and didn't even bother coming forward, he pulled me towards him instead. It didn't even seem like he needed strength, he only stretched out his arms and pushed me towards his lips, not too slow and not too fast, so I knew exactly what he was planning.

'I'll still hate you after this, you think I like it when you force me to kiss back?' It felt like my lips crushed on his, like I had decided to kiss him and the fact that my mouth had been half open because I had been still talking, was very misfortunate for me. Edward instantly used it to his advantage, doing things he'd never done. I couldn't think of ways to make him stop or push him away. I didn't want this, but in the whole concept, I didn't know what I wanted. I almost believed I might want to be hurt. Maybe I liked pain. All I needed was a knife and pierce it through my skin. I wondered... _how would that feel? _The real piercing, not just the soft scratches I had done a few times.

He abruptly pushed me back. 'You hate me. 'S that why you crave me?' That look on his face said it all. He didn't believe me. He didn't look one single bit hurt by my whole rant. And he actually thought that I craved him!

I slapped his face. When his head was sideways, I quickly went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. He didn't say a thing. He didn't call me back. Yeah, as if he'd ever want me.

Impossible.

I glared at the toilet and went over to it, sticking my finger down my throat. If someone had a gun against my head, I wouldn't stop. But I couldn't quite find the reason why I was doing this now. I didn't want to do it like I used to want it. I was doing it for different reasons. If that same person who was holding that gun against my head would ask me why I was purging now, I'd have no answer, simply because I didn't know.

The first time I threw up, the door made a loud noise. Second time, Edward called my name. Third time, it got harder for me to continue. There wasn't much left inside of me, but for all I cared, I was purging blood.

'Bella, stop!' Edward called, another bang on the door.

I had to push harder with my finger but it was as if my body didn't want to anymore. The loud banging continued and only got louder. It was so childish of him to bang on the door, but then I heard one different kind of bang. A crack. _He broke the door._ I turned my head to the door and saw him glaring at me, walking over.

'Leave me alone,' I said, not caring anymore what he'd do or how I might look right now.

'I know when I see a girl seeking for attention,' he said, taking more determined steps, sounding more evil then he had this whole day.

I put my head closer to the toilet and tried to purge again. What was I, goddamn empty or something? I groaned in frustration. 'Piss off!' I could feel him looking at me.

'This is want you want? Then by all means, let me help you.' I didn't see his face when he'd said that. But it was a promise and a threat. I pushed myself away from the toilet, to see him getting closer to me and I put my hand up.

It didn't stop him. 'No, I told you to go away.'

Without another warning, he grabbed my hand and pushed me closer to him, so I was back leaning over the toilet again, and he was behind me, roughly pushing my head closer to the toilet. 'I'll give you whatever you want,' he hissed. 'Here's my Christmas present for you.' He pushed his finger down my throat, making me vomit. His fingers were taller and they got deeper down my throat. The feeling was sickening... too new. Some people used tools to purge, like a toothbrush, but I had never done that. I had only used my finger. This feeling was new.

I felt hot tears prick in my eyes, but he didn't stop, after each second his finger was back, forcing more bile out, and at some point I was staring at my blood in the toilet, but also on Edward's finger and in my hair, which hung everywhere. Tears directly dropped inside the toilet, mixing with everything foul that was lying in there... still Edward didn't stop.

When he pushed his finger again, _it hurt_, my throat was burning and I might have thought that his nails had scratched inside my mouth, maybe that was where the blood was coming from.

Another flood of blood came again and I felt worn, hurt, _very hurt_, by Edward and humiliated. He didn't stop and neither did the tears. I coughed violently, which on itself made my stomach heave again. When it finally stopped, the coughing and puking, I almost screamed when again his finger was pushing down again.

_Say it, Bella, he'll stop if you say it._

Who guaranteed for that? He'd never stop. Why wasn't I just dying? That would be much, much better then to face the world, or worse, Edward, again.

But then again, he was helping me now, with losing weight. This is what I wanted. _I have to lose all this fat._ _And he's actually helping-_

He pulled me out of my thoughts when his finger pushed again for the millionth time, hurting me, embarrassing me and even killing me. I had never, ever been purging for this long and this violently. Not once. I didn't think I'd have so much contents in my stomach. Was there still something coming out? I wasn't sure.

It hurt, so badly. My sight was gone and I even feared to faint, _again_, this day. I didn't want to faint. That was so embarrassing.

His cruel intentions were hurting me and when I felt another flood of pain from my stomach flying up in my mouth and end in the toilet, I couldn't handle it anymore. It was too much.

I prepared to stay stop, but was choked by his finger _again_, more of my insides rising and ending in the toilet. Why didn't it end? Was my stomach only producing more bile... so that it really would never end?

I was out of air and was gasping for oxygen, not thinking twice about the embarrassing sounds I was making. Each intake of breath sounded like a gasp and with each intake, I heard a little shriek, because each time the cold air came across my throat, it burned and made me feel like I was choking again.

When there was just enough air inside of me, I put all my will into being quicker in talking then Edward assaulting me with his finger. I had to be quicker. I didn't want to puke anymore, not now, not ever! This pain wasn't something anyone should deserve!

_I don't ever want this anymore!_

'Stop, Edward, please, stop,' I croaked out, half of the syllables gone because of my soar throat and half came out in gasps. I wasn't even sure if he'd heard me. It might have sounded like strangled sobs.

He hadn't heard me, probably, because his finger was touching my mouth. But he would have pushed it down, long ago, if he hadn't heard me.

His finger... gone. I looked sideways, but I didn't see his arm anymore.

_Instantly_, with no doubt or second-guessing, he had stopped.

_Thank God. Thank you, thank you._

It was over. And I heard him walk away. Leaving the mess, which was me, alone.

I collapsed on the floor when he wasn't gripping me anymore with his other hand. _He hates me_. He liked hurting me. He wants me in pain.

And I hated him as well. He's disgusting. Look what he had done to me. I was allowed to say _torture_, he had tortured me! He's a sadist, that's what he is. Just a drug addict who likes to see girls in pain.

He had forced me to beg him to stop, and that thought made a sob escape through my mouth, to my biggest dread.

Bits of he had said came flooding back in my mind.

_I won't do anything bad. _

_I don't like the idea of you being scared. If it helps, then I want to tell you that you don't have to be. I'm not planning to hurt you._

_I'm going to try a whole different tactic. And you'll absolutely hate it._

_I might not go as soft on you as the rest._

_It is pretty bad. _And his reply made sense now. _To you, yes. To me, no. _

He didn't consider _this... _this mess, bad. He really was some sadist. Nothing would change that opinion I had now about him. And I never wanted to see his face again. Never hear his voice again or feel him touch me or _kiss _me. Never.

How on earth could I have ever considered that I liked him kissing me? I had done that minutes ago! I was so stupid.

_Stupid girl._

His promise... _I promise it's not painful._

I broke down. I whined, yelled ones, and started to cry. I felt my body shake yet again. I wasn't sure if I had believed his promise. Maybe a tiny bit. But all of that was gone, far gone and disappeared into nothingness by now.

I really was a fool to think... he might care. I was a fool in general.

I was lying face down on the bathroom floor, and lifted my head a little. I had to squeeze my eyes to recognise what I was looking at.

My resolution.

My answer.

My comfort.

My pain.

I needed it.

I had to have it.

I _would _have it.

Now.

Fast.

Hard.

Painfully.

I pushed myself up, staring at the object I loved at the moment, and started walking to it. My tears stopped instantly. They mattered nothing anymore.

I picked up the small, little blade, which belonged to a razor. I pushed up the sleeve of my sweater and pierced it in my flesh. It was definitely fast, hard and painful. Blood drops were running down my arm, and I started to push it down my skin and hissed at the oh so good feeling of plain pain. Pain that conquered the other pain that was somewhere near my heart.

Blood was increasing and drops were falling on the floor.

Would it take long, until I was drained out of blood?

I pulled the blade out and pushed it inside the skin, close to my wrist. My eyes widened at he amount of blood that pooled instantly. My breathing actually slowed a little. I pulled it out.

Then, my breathing stopped when I heard _his _voice. The voice I had intended on never, ever hearing again.

_Was he talking to himself now? _I thought sarcastically.

I turned to look at the door, which had no door handle anymore, and seconds later, the low, evil monster came in, with his phone against his ear.

The monster stopped walking to stare at the toilet.

The monster raised his head to meet my eyes.

The monster dropped his eyes to my arm.

The monster dropped his eye to the floor.

The monster dropped the phone.

His eyes slowly went up to my eyes. I blinked twice really fast.

'Leave me alone!' I said, pushing my back against the wall. It wasn't a huge bathroom. The tub was three yards away from me. And about two yards next to me, was the toilet. He was standing about five yard away from me, still close to the door. 'Don't judge me! Leave me, let me die and do this!'

His eyes closed for a second and then when he opened them, and there was not a feeling I could decipher in it. Mostly because there was no feeling to begin with. I only saw that his eyes were a little red.

He came over to me and I pushed the blade in my skin, deeper and I shrieked.

My vision showed me that he took a step closer and I yelled. Strangely enough, I tasted blood in my mouth.

In only two more strides, he reached me and the only touch I felt, was his hand on my mouth.

I was still making noises and holding the blade, which was still very deep in my wrist.

Edward touched me on one more place of my body. He pinched my skin, somewhere behind my left upper arm and I opened my eyes in shock. He kept his fingers there, keeping them in the same, tight pinch.

His eyes were still blank.

He was too good of an actor, why didn't he just show me the hatred in his eyes? Why not show me what little he thought of me?

Then an idea occurred me. He had already loosened the grip on my mouth, but never the one on my arm. He was actually pinching harder.

'Will you do this for me as well?' I asked, my voice hoarse, still not very pronounceable. He scowled lightly and I pushed my hand up, palm and wrist up, blade still in it, and pushed it under his nose.

He stared at the blade and released my mouth completely, to put his index finger and thumb on the blade and roughly he yanked it out. I shrieked at the pain.

As if he would do that for me.

As if he dared.

As if he would pierce a piece of sharp tool inside my flesh.

As if-

I felt the same pain I had previously felt in my arm, only this time an inch higher then my wrist, further away from my hand.

My eyes flew up and Edward was staring at me, and now the blank expression scared me.

Yes, he would do that, he would dare, he would pierce a blade in my skin.

He just did.

And yanked it out as fast as he had previously done.

'Again?'

I jumped when I heard his voice.

I was too shocked to answer, and only stared at him. He was staring back, standing very still. Without warning, I felt the same piercing, only this time, deeper then I had done it myself. I screamed, which had not been my intention, but when Edward did it, it hurt so much more and it felt so much different. And the fear I was feeling right now, only made matters worse. It made me more jumpy.

And I couldn't quite understand why he was still pinching my upper arm so tightly. Just that one spot and it was beginning to feel like a bruise.

When I looked down, the blade was mostly in my skin. The sight got blurry as tears formed in my eyes. Another sharp pain went through my entire body and I was in time to stop my next scream by pressing my right hand against my mouth.

'Again, Bella?' he asked more sharply, with more fierceness in his voice. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't talk back. I didn't dare to face him. 'Do you want it again, Bella?' he demanded. Now he was pinching that place harder behind my arm.

I gasped, when I had tried to answer him. My answer came out as a gasp instead. How could I answer him if all that I could do was gasp?

This is not what I wanted. Why did I ever want this? When did I even think about wanting this?

Where had my sanity gone to?

Had I officially lost it?

Why didn't I say the simple word of denial?

Why didn't I simply shake my head?

So very simple for him to understand. He was asking me. He wouldn't ask, if my answer would be his action.

My hand had loosened its grip on my mouth and I pinched my eyes close and screamed when I did not only feel it pierce through my skin again, a few inches away from my wrist, but also being inched slowly towards my wrist. He wasn't only stabbing the blade in my skin, no. He was piercing open the flesh. _Cutting _me.

And my screams didn't falter.

First, they were only screams. Screams of pain. Screams I couldn't stop, simply because it hurt more then I wanted it too.

But then, something inside of me changed, which also changed the screams into the word that something inside of me had been dying to say all along. I screamed, with eyes close and with a different nausea in my stomach, a loud, 'No!'

The pain stopped momentarily, and got back once again, when he pulled out the blade.

'Not again,' I heard my voice beg shakily. 'I don't want it again.' My voice was so bad, so rough, and it didn't sound like a voice anymore. But one thing in it was clear. The begging. He could not have possibly missed that in my voice.

It was completely still in the bathroom and I felt something clatter on the floor.

The only other thing I was hearing, was my breathing, coming out in fast gasps. I kept my eyes close, because I really didn't want to see that monster in front of me.

And he wouldn't let go of my upper arm, where two or three fingers were still pinching the exact same spot too hard for my liking.

I felt fucked.

Which reduced me back to tears, more, hot, endless tears.

* * *

**A/N: **Did you cry? Did you scream? Did you curse? Not too foul, I hope! Do you hate him endlessly?

*evil evil laughter*

But... Why he did what he did? Look, don't get mad, he didn't turn into a sadist. You are forgetting that while pinching _a certain _part behind her upper arm, he is in fact doing it for a reason, no? And he was doing that, long before he started to cut her, hmm? He didn't let go, not once. Did he try to kill her? No. Is he a sadist? Shame on you for even thinking I would make my Edward a sadist! Shame, shame, shame on you a lot! And if you didn't think that, good for you!

Well, I have a preview, and if you guys are nice, I'm going to update really fast, like, maybe, tomorrow? Though only 4500 words, maybe more, if one of your amazing reviews will hit me with inspiration.

**_You're a monster._**

**'Breath through your nose,' he commanded.**

**I was breathing through my mouth. 'Fuh-' I coughed once, in _his _direction, thought I didn't have the pleasure to see if I had spat some blood on him, 'ke...' I coughed again. 'You.'**

**Was it smart of my to curse at him now? Nah, I didn't care, it was worth it, for that second.**

**He placed his hand on my mouth and cut off my only air source. My eyes widened and I looked at him, pleading to let go. His eyes were dark and blank and I put my right hand on his wrist and gripped tightly, because I couldn't breath.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, but SM's.

**A/N: **My promise, today :D bit later then I thought but what the heck! But I can't promise next chapter will be as soon as this one, but this morning, my mailbox made my day! Why can't you guys a;ways be like that, and give reviews more often!

And ehm, share your ideas and likes and dislikes, and inspiration, or something, ones your read this!

Thank you everyone who reviewed! Means a lot to me.

* * *

**The greenery greenish Green**

I think I died.

Was I still breathing?

I started to drop myself on the floor, but Edward's other hand reached for my shoulder and he kept my upright. He started walking me towards the broken door and then put me on the bed. I sat there, with my back stiff and feeling utterly broken. I saw him reach for his shoe with one hand, putting it between his legs and starting to pull of the shoe lace. His other hand was still pinching. I turned to look if it had already turned blue, but the spot was too far behind for me too see.

When I turned my head, giving up on trying to see, I saw Edward with the lace in his finger.

'No, don't kill me!' I shrieked, when that was the only thing I thought of what he could do with the lace.

He pressed his lips on each other and turned his head for a second to look away. Then he quickly turned again, ignoring my stare and finally let go off my arm, only to stand up and reach for my sweater, then yanking it up.

I gasped as the sleeve touched my left arm and I didn't even dare to look at the damage.

I scowled, completely forgetting that I was only wearing my bra and pants, as I wondered why I hadn't bled out yet. Edward was quick at sitting back again by my left arm and putting the lace around my arm and putting a knot in it, tightly pressing it closer until I winced. When he put another knot, I was afraid he'd never be able to get the thing off again. Why did he do that, he was cutting of my blood circulation like this!

I turned with a confused scowl to look up, but he wasn't even looking at me, but at my arm. I looked down as well and gasped. It looked like a slaughtered arm, the blood still flooding out, but much less then I expected it too.

Oh! Oh, I was so stupid. He had been cutting of the blood circulation. And also back in the bathroom, with his fingers... That's what he had been doing... so I wouldn't die?

But he wants me dead. _Or not_.

No, he just didn't want a death on his conscience.

I sobbed again, because I failed to understand a damn thing.

I took another quick glance at my arm. _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 cuts, no, 8! _I sobbed a little harder by the sight. It looked dead. It was dead. They'd chop off my arm. I would lose my arm. His fault.

No... my fault. I was the one that could have stopped him and I was the one that even started the first cuts.

I was crying with heart wrecking sobs now. He pushed at my chest and I instantly fell with my back on the bed. He put his hands under my arm pits and pushed me up until also my legs were on the bed. I shivered once and when I looked up at him, he pulled out his sweater and put it over my chest.

By the sudden heat, I shivered again. He was hovering over me and I had put my hand on my mouth, and was looking the other way.

He got up and took his coat. I was lying vertically on the bed, so I could see him get back to me again. He stood behind my head and put his coat on my chest as well. He took my right arm, which had been lying somewhere on the bed, and put it under his sweater and jacket. My left, half dead, arm, was still out.

I was warming up a little again and shivered by the intensity of it. When I looked up, Edward was staring at me. For a moment, I stared back, seeing his head upside down. Then his hand came closer and I flinched away. I closed my eyes and felt his hand go over my head a few times, pushing all my hair away.

_Weird..._

He pushed my hair back again, but it was all back by now.

_Strange..._

The pushes were now comforting, relaxing even. Was I allowed to think that?

_Person..._

He pushed a few more times and then stopped, sitting next to my right shoulder. I hadn't noticed the wet towel in his hand. He leaned over me and dabbed at my left arm. I had the sight of his naked chest this way and stared.

_The monster is taking care of my wounds._

I closed my eyes, trying to get rid of those thoughts. I jumped when he touched my face and my eyes flew open.

He was scowling deeply, not looking in my eyes, but around my face. _Yuck. _I must have had tears everywhere and my nose was running. There was probably still bile or blood somewhere.

He started wiping at my face with his hand. He didn't miss a place. He wiped my forehead, my cheeks, my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my chin, my jaw and when he ran his fingers again over my eyes, I closed them tighter, but that did not do the trick to prevent tears slip out. He wiped them all away, but it didn't stop. I couldn't stop them. He continued wiping, until he deeply sighed and stopped.

Now the tears ran down my cheek, somewhere to my ears and I sniffed once loudly.

Again he sighed and suddenly his weight was on top of me and I slowly opened my eyes to see he had sat on me. I closed my eyes again and felt more tears slip.

His hands were on my shoulders, rubbing slow and hard, all of his fingers digging in my chest. I whimpered at the feeling of it and the sound was embarrassing. This time I did care that I felt embarrassed.

'Stop,' I whispered with eyes close and same tears making the same path down.

'No.'

I shrieked when he made more fast movements around my collar bone and every piece of skin above. When he went to my neck with both of his hands, my eyes flew open. His eyes were already on mine and he started to very slowly make circles with his fingers around the sides of my neck.

It wasn't _bad_.

I could have loved it.

It was a really good massage, or whatever it was called.

It made all my muscles relax once he was done with them.

But, I didn't want him to continue. And I wasn't about to say stop again. He'd had heard the first time and gave me his answer.

Now, all of a sudden, he didn't care about what I wanted. _He didn't stop._

I took many deep, forced breaths and to my great surprise, he stopped. He got off of me and walked to a closet and pulled out a white box. He opened it at the table there and pulled out a few different things and came back to sit on the side of my left arm.

When I looked at his face, he scowled. He pressed with different things on my left arm, and I tried not to hiss each time. The he put a bandage around it, very quickly.

He got up again and I followed his each movement. He found another, smaller box and pulled out two pills. He filled a glass with water and gave it to me, along with the pills.

Too tired to even refuse, I put both pills in my mouth and took a small sip of the water. The pills didn't go down, but got stuck and for a second I locked my eyes with Edward's and started to cough violently, dropping the glass on the bed and buckling over the bed to cough more easily.

I was making choking sounds and I felt Edward's hand pat on my back and it was a matter of a few more seconds, when the pills were back in my mouth and I spit them out violently and sobbed again.

_I had choked in the stupid pills._

It reminded me of the first time we met. I had choked then too. And now again.

The humiliation was too big. And that's why I was sobbing again right now. With my hands gripping the end of the mattress, my head hanging down, over the bed. My knees were pressing against my breast, because I was lying on them and the back of my feet were touching my behind.

I felt some stinging in my arm, and of course knew they were from the cut. My throat was soar as well, occasionally burning.

Edward was suddenly in front of me on the floor, crouching down. I didn't meet his gaze. He had another glass in his hand.

He tried pushing it in my hand, but I was gripping the mattress already.

'Drink this,' he softly ordered.

I sobbed again, gasping each breath now. I coughed another few times, seeing blood covered spit land on the floor where Edward was sitting, some of it landing on his knees. I noticed how his hand came up and closed my eyes when he pushed my head up, no doubt so he could force me to look at him.

_You're a monster._

'Breathe through your nose,' he commanded.

I was breathing through my mouth. 'Fuh-' I coughed once, in _his _direction, thought I didn't have the pleasure to see if I had spat some blood on him, 'ke...' I coughed again. 'You.'

Was it smart of my to curse at him now? Nah, I didn't care, it was worth it, for that second.

He placed his hand on my mouth and cut off my only air source. My eyes widened and I looked at him, pleading to let go. His eyes were dark and blank and I put my right hand on his wrist and gripped tightly because I couldn't breathe.

'Nose, Bella, breathe through your nose,' he said quickly. I looked up again and he raised his other hand up and pushed some hair behind my ear.

Tears felt down on his hand and suddenly he also put his other hand on my eyes.

He wasn't much different then James then.

_Why the heck did I remember that lowlife person now?_

'Breathe, my anorexic love, breathe.'

_What did Edward just say?_

I gasped, _through my nose_, and suddenly I was able to breathe again. My eyes flew open because of the shock. This was much easier then breathing through my mouth. The wind touched my throat less this way and it didn't burn so much anymore. He gave me back my sight and I was still quickly breathing.

He raised one eyebrow. The question in his eyes was visible. _Easier?_

I would never admit that to him. The fact that he was right. How come he knew everything? He never failed to see something.

He was a cocky asshole. I hated him. I didn't want to be with him. _Not anymore_. He only seemed to want to hurt me. Or give me almost-deaths.

And I couldn't... handle any of it, anymore.

His face was so arrogant looking, when I looked up again. As if he owed me. As if he could judge me. It was as if he thought he knew me so well. I hated him at that moment. Nothing but hate.

And fear.

'I surrender,' I whispered in a gasp, with still his hand on my mouth. He loosened the pressure on my mouth and dropped his hand and my hand fell off as well, since I had been still holding his wrist. 'Please, no more. I can't take it anymore.' Nothing in his eyes changed. 'I'll do anything, _anything, _I'll marry you, be your sex slave and I'll eat.' Nothing on his face changed. 'I'll eat everything you give me, just stop hurting me. I won't last any more second if you don't stop.' I sobbed a little and sniffed once. 'Please, I can't... Please, stop doing this to me. You hurt me.' I dropped my head when nothing on his face told me he cared on bit and my shoulders were heaving with each sob.

After a few seconds, his hand was on my back and with one finger, he unclasped my bra. I shrieked once and then decided I didn't care.

_I surrender. I'll be your sex slave._

Weren't those my words? Of course he'd use them instantly. He grabbed my shoulders and my fingers went limp, the tight grip on the matress was gone, and he pushed me up, until I was standing on my feet, with my back facing him.

'What will you do with me?' I asked in a tiny voice.

He was quiet for a while, as I felt him push down my pants and panties, both at the same time. He picked me up, bridal style and I pushed my head against his shoulder to avoid his looking at me. 'I'll tell you what I'll do with you, once you look at me.'

It was quiet for a while and I raised my head. He looked in my eyes and inched his head closed.

'I'm going to fuck you senseless, until your mind can't function normal anymore, so you won't even know what the hell happened to you this night. Since most of your brain cells are dead anyway, the fuck you'll have, will kill the rest as well.'

My eyes widened and instantly I cried, but also I was unable to look away from his evil eyes.

_That green. That once soft, nice, comforting green. It's gone. Forever gone._

'You believe that, don't you?' he asked, walking again, away from the bed. I looked over his shoulder, to the bed he'd probably just do that. 'Do you really think that I'm going to just put you on that bed and have sex with you?' Sarcasm in his voice. 'Is that what you _truly_ believe?'

I was hiding my face between his shoulder and my hand, feeling the tears connect with his chest. 'No. I'm too...' I couldn't end my sentence. Fat. Ugly. Stupid.

'God...' he muttered.

He walked on, back to the horrible bathroom. I didn't want to be back there, after all what had happened just in that single part of this hotel room.

Somehow, he got the shower on and eventually stepped in the bath. He walked in the stream and I gasped at the heat.

'Ahh...' I said, pushing myself up his chest to avoid the stream, but it did no good. Now the hot water landed on my back and Edward stirred us both so that the stream landed on my head. I whimpered by the heat.

'It's hot, but bearable,' Edward only said.

I sobbed in the hot water and Edward said no more. I think it was after a few minutes, that he started to move me a little, from left to right, just a few inches each time.

My sobbing quieted down, I wasn't sure if it was the heat or because I ran out of tears, and I was only able to stare into space. Then I realized that I could see the toilet and a few yard next to that, all the blood, that was mine. Edward steered his body and I had better access to watch and gasped. There was a big amount of blood, and the sight was gone instantly, as Edward turned around again and my only sight now was the wall.

He slowly started to make the same movement again.

_When would he fuck me senseless until I forget even myself?_

Edward bended down and I felt my feet reach the tub. He put his other hand under my elbow and I was staring down.

'Bella, look at me,' he said, and I instantly did so. I had to listen, because he'd just do something worse if I didn't.

He pushed me closer to him, until he were touching each others chest. I couldn't even blush anymore because of my nakedness. It didn't matter anymore. None of it did. He put one hand on my back and with the other he started making my face free from all the loose hair hanging. At some point, I looked up myself.

Why wasn't he doing what he said he would do? What the heck was he waiting for now?

'Something is horribly wrong with you.' I blinked several times by that statement, looking away. He slowly said, 'I am _not_ going to fuck you senseless until you even forget yourself.'

I felt myself sink a little, I didn't know why, and Edward used his free hand to hold me by the waist. _Had I said that out loud? _

'Because I'm horribly wrong?' I heard myself ask in a voice that was not mine.

He gave me a push closer to him and I looked up to see his scowl. 'No, you idiot.'

I flinched. _I'm an idiot. He now thinks of me as an idiot._

'You really are a little fool.'

I couldn't help but flinch again.

'Bella...'

I broke down and pushed his arms away and fell in the tub, face down and I hugged my knees to myself, to make myself smaller. When would this end? When would my eyes finally dry out? I noticed the water staying in the bath, very slowly rising. He was filling the bath. Oh, great, he was going to drown me to death.

'Because,' he slowly said, 'fucking you is not an option.'

I whimpered and moved when I felt his soft touch on my shoulder. Then it was gone. Good. Why did this hurt? Why did that feel like an insult? I didn't want him to _fuck _me.

_What the hell is wrong with me!_

The directions of my thought made my crying worse. I still had tears the shed. Many.

Too many.

Edward forced me to let go of my knees and I kept my eyes closed. He rolled me on my back and I felt his weight get on me. Lying on me, to be exact. The back of his fingers went from my nose, over my cheeks a few times. I sniffed and he kept making the same motion, wiping away the tears, I assumed. Maybe he had enough of my tears. I wouldn't blame him, I felt like a blubbering mess, I undoubtedly looked like one.

Off all thing that I possible thought he'd do to me, was that he'd put his lips on mine in the most softest motion he had ever done and kissed in the most sweetest, slowest, kindest kiss he had ever given me.

That was of course the last thing on my mind that he'd ever do.

And yet, that he did.

The rising water came up to my ears now, not yet high enough until my mouth and nose.

Edward kissed both the sides of my lips and then raised to press them on my eyes as well, first left, then right.

He kissed me once more on my lips, and then he slowly pushed an inch back so that our lips weren't touching anymore and I opened my eyes, to see him staring at me. He put his hand under my head, pushing it up a little.

'That doesn't really suite the category fucking senseless, now, does it?' he said.

I blinked a few times and looked away from him. 'Maybe it does, I wouldn't now.'

He shook his head. 'Bella, you are impossible. Do I really have to show you the difference?'

A little sob escaped my mouth and Edward reached quickly for my lips, kissing once more.

'I won't, ever. Don't even think...'

He didn't finish that sentence.

'Why would you say it, then?' I whispered with my eyes closed.

'I'd known you'd believe it instantly. Amn't I proving pretty much the opposite now?'

I ignored his question. 'Why am I naked under you?' I whispered.

One of his fingers was touching my cheek. 'I thought that was obvious,' he said softly and I opened my eyes. He bent down to my ear, whispered, 'Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.'

He looked back at me. He actually smiled at me.

'There's only one thing I'm going to do with you now.' I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow. He had bended down a little to whisper in my ear, 'I'm going to take care of you.' He pushed me up and got up to sit behind me. I pulled up my knees again and felt him very close to my back. I dropped my head on my knees. 'You are so, very strong. I respect you for that. And other things as well. You can admit things which others wouldn't even dream to do. And you've lived. After all this time, with no food, with malnutrition, with heart failures, you are still living.'

He put his hands on my back and started to press and rub. The water was half way up now, until around the half of my calfs. I accidentally let my head fall and quickly sat straight. His massages were just so good, it made me forget myself.

'No fucking senseless?' I heard myself whisper.

'No, Bella,' he answered harshly. 'Close your eyes and let me be the one to try and fix this mess I made.'

My eyes remained wide open until the water was up to my shoulders and Edward had put something in it which had caused a lot of foam and bubbles to rise.

I barely noticed what he was doing. Something with my hair, and then my back, and stomach. Arms and legs. Hair again.

No, I didn't notice.

I was too tired to. Too humiliated. Too much of a wreck.

'Someday you might understand,' I heard him say. 'I'll try and explain tomorrow, but I'm not really guessing I'll be forgiven. It will take time for you to understand.'

I blinked several times, suddenly seeing him in front of me.

'Someday, you'll thank me.'

There was anger rising inside of me. For the first time since I was hanging over that toilet, I felt anger. And I decided that I didn't care if he'd do something worse then that now, because I had already gotten the worst. 'Oh, but I already do. Thank you so much for you Christmas gift. It almost killed me.' I choked on my last words and dropped my head for another time to sob a million new tears.

'No, it didn't,' he said, as arrogant as he was, and I turned my head, letting myself slip until I was under water. After two seconds, he pushed me up, out of the water. 'I didn't _almost_ kill you. I killed you.'

He started to pushed my hair away, again. It was his new job, apparently.

'Some part of you is dead now. And I'm glad.'

I dropped my head and felt another sob coming up. I tried to keep it in.

'I'm glad- no, even thrilled, I killed that.'

I gasped, not able to contain my sob anymore.

'I'd do it any time again.'

I put my hand on my mouth and tried to breathe. He was scaring me. I shook my head to myself. I hoped he'd leave. Or fuck me senseless. Not leave me in the middle, letting me guess about his doings, which were now pretty much his non-doings. He wasn't doing a thing anymore, expect talking.

'Bella,' he said, raising my head and forcing me to look. 'I hurt you. I know that. I love _you _so very much, that that precise reason was why I almost stopped making you throw up and cutting you. I _hated _seeing you in that pain. But it was only for that one time. Never again. That is the past now, no matter how new and fresh it feels, _it's the past_.'

I took a long, shaky intake of a breath, to say the only thing that had to be said. 'Let me go.'

'Oh, Bella,' he whispered, shaking his head. 'I'm going to try and explain this to you. I don't want you to think wrong things. Look. Inside of you, there's something, which doesn't belong there. That thing, it tells you lies, it forces you to stick your finger down your throat, it forces you not to eat, it tells you a lie constantly, and that thing, Bella, I'm going to make it leave you. But because it's inside of _you_, it will hurt you too, in that same process of chasing away that _thing_.' I slowly looked up and his gaze softened instantly. 'I call her Ana, but you can call it a thing.'

I shook my head. 'I can't... can't take...' I sobbed a little. '...anymore,' I finished.

'Big part is dead already, a big part,' he instantly said, raising up a little and pushing my head against his chest. 'I have only one more goal, for now.'

I flinched and pushed away from him.

'To see you happy. Smile on you face and all. Promise.'

He pushed me back against his chest and began stroking my hair again, like he'd done so many times this day.

'Merry Christmas, my perfect, little love.'

I bit my lip nervously. 'Merry Christmas,' I whispered.

I think he laughed a little. 'I'll get you something nice tomorrow.'

'No, please, no,' I whimpered and he pushed back so we were back at eyelevel.

'You don't want anything?' he asked softly, holding both of my shoulders. I shook my head. 'I can get you diamonds,' he said in a childful manner. 'I can get you rubies.'

'Don't,' I said in a strangled sob. _Now was not the time._

'I know...' he suddenly said, and I looked up to see he had a smile on his face and something else in his eyes. 'I know what I'll get you.'

I grimaced. 'What?'

'Guess,' he said, smiling.

I sighed, stared at the water. I shook my head. 'Don't know.'

'Hint,' he said. 'It's a mineral.'

_Do I look like I know what a mineral is?_

I looked up at him and scowled, maybe even had a angry glint in my eyes.

_Is he talking about food?_

'Not the one you can _eat_,' he added with a little laughter. His eyes looked so kind again. Did the green eyes get back? I blinked quickly and dropped my eyes when I had started too long at his eyes. He chuckled, for a reason unkown to me. Yeah, well, he already knew I liked... that color. Was it still funny to him?

_Then what is it, if not food?_

After a minute, he said, 'Jewelry.'

_Oh, no, what did he have in mind?_

'No guess?' he asked.

I shook my head. 'I don't want anything,' I silently said.

He looked thoughtful for a moment, until he nodded his head. 'Okay. Bella?' I raised my head to him. 'What hurts?'

I scowled at the sudden change of subject and shrugged.

'Throat?' he asked softly. I dropped my head, looked sideways.

'Not much,' I muttered. _It burns._

He sighed. 'I'll get something for the pain. And you also need stitches.'

'No, no hospital,' I pleaded, looking up again. He looked as if he wanted to disagree, but I added, 'Please.'

He smiled sadly. 'It won't heal this way,' he said, pointing at my arm.

I looked down at the now wet bandage. It was red at the places where the cuts layed beneath. I hadn't noticed that it had also made the water a little red. 'Please, no,' I murmured again.

'Alright,' he said, and when I looked up, his eyes were closed and he was taking a slow intake of a breath. 'I'll see what I can do.'

He opened his eyes. 'Thank you,' I slowly said. He stroked my cheek.

He smiled. 'I have something else to say. About what I told you before.' I swallowed and started to feel nervous again. 'What I said, my tactic and how that it wouldn't be painful. That wasn't a lie. The throwing up and cutting, that was not part of _that _plan.'

I sighed. Did it really matter? I had surrendered.

'My plan is,' he started slowly and my eyes flew up. _What? No! Another plan? Painful again? _He smiled and very quickly said, 'The plan I was talking about is to love you, kiss you, hug you, adore you and spoil you every single day, until you realize that I'm not lying to you, and that you'll one day have those feelings too. Which is unlikely, the last part, but okay, until the day you heal and your senses come back and you dump me.'

I turned my head a little and scowled deeply. He took my chin and turned my head back.

'Told you you'd hate it.'

I opened my mouth a little, but nothing came out. _What?_

'Told you it's not painful,' he said with a raised eyebrow.

I blinked. Technically, no.

'And about the forcing, I meant only a few times... I'd only force you to eat, just enough so you'll survive. I don't want you seven feet under.'

I lifted my upper lip a little and scowled again. Was he mocking me? Why'd he say seven? He just had pointed me out that the expression is six, not seven feet under.

He took no notice of my questioning gaze. 'Your problem has nothing to do with eating. There's a hole inside of you, and I can't stuff food in you, make you gain ten pounds, and think everything is fixed. What are ten pounds, if that hole is not filled? Ten pounds will fall straight through that hole. Vanish the moment you have the oppurtunity to make them vanish. I'm gonna fix the hole. That's it. Nothing else. Nothing painful. Nothing bad. Nothing _illigal._'

I stared at him and did nothing else. I couldn't even think.

'When I saw you there,' he said, turning his head to the toilet, 'I momentarily had nothing on my mind. The idea to do that what I did, came right on the spot. At that second. And when you cut yourself, again the idea only occurred to me, was when you told me if I wanted to do that as well. Not one second sooner.'

He let go of my chin and my lips parted at the new information.

'That was not part of the plan.'

'No?' I asked, just to talk back.

He shook his head. 'Never.'

'But...' I swallowed. 'You did.'

'Yes.'

'My fault.'

He blinked. 'Excuse me?'

'If I didn't do that, you'd never came up with that idea.'

He rolled his eyes. 'Yeah, and if my parents hadn't died and if you never got anorexia, you'd never be at a hotel at this moment with a ninetheen year old, called Edward Cullen.'

I scowled at the way his mind worked. Because I still could have prevented it... if I had known.

'Shut up,' he whispered as he leaned forward. My eyes widened. 'Not you, that voice.' _I could have preve- _'Piss. Off.' _I could- _'Fuck off.'

'Edward!'

'Yes?' he asked sweetly, pecking my lips.

I stared at him as I was breathing heavily. His humor disappeared and was replaced with a sad smile. 'Don't... do that.'

'Curse or kiss?' he asked.

I had meant the cursing, but replied with, 'Both.'

'Too bad,' he said and my eyes flew up at just those two simple words, and the memories that came along. 'My next step was to kiss away all your wounds and pain.'

_Oh..._

_Green, greeny eyes. _He looked like such a child. As if all that what he did before... wasn't him. As if it had never happened.

As if it was nothing.

I widened my eyes and managed to stutter, 'Don't.'

'Guess you'll have to do with pain killers.'

I looked sideways, avoiding those eyes again. 'Guess so.'

'It will take longer to take away the pain, to begin with,' he said.

Again, I couldn't help but feel shocked. He was saying that kisses would take away the pain sooner then pain killers would.

'And,' he continued, 'you'll have to drink the effervescent kind with _a lot _of water.'

Was he trying to tell me that if I picked kisses over painkillers, I didn't have to drink water, so I also didn't have to be bigger? That's impossible...

'And,' I had thought he'd be done by now, 'you'll be saying _no_ to something many girls I know will say _yes _to.'

I turned my head now, in shock and disgust. 'Many girls?'

'Yeah. What, are you offended now?' I scowled, and I did feel a little angry. I didn't know why I felt that anger, though. 'Why would you, it's not like you love me.' My anger dropped, and I felt something else. I couldn't put a name to it. 'Right?' He was just being rhetorical. Mocking me even a little, I thought.

I bit my lip and looked sideways. I had no answer. I didn't know what my answer was. And I was too tired to think what my answer should be. Usually, I would have denied with no second thought. But not now. I simply said, 'Get the pills.'

Whatever look he had on his face, I'd never know.


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, but SM's.

**A/N: **Just a simple chapter, no drama.

* * *

**Innuendo**

'What did you just say?' he instantly asked.

I looked up with big eyes, but of course his face didn't give me the emotions a normal person would carry. Was he angry again?

'Bella?'

'I-eh, what?' What did I do?

Confusion swept over his face and he scowled deeply. Okay, I detected emotion number one.

He put his hands on my shoulders. They felt heavy but also warm.

'I don't...'

'Are you, Bella Swan, unsure?'

I opened my mouth a little, thinking deeply. _What?_ 'Unsure about what?'

'Me. You feelings for me. Your always ready answers. They disappeared or are you second-guessing?' He gave me a soft shake and I caught his eyes. His eyes looked soft now and the green... was lighter. I swear, his eyes were a few shades lighter.

Forgetting what we were actually talking about, I nodded my head, because when you miss something the other person said, you just nod your head a little and pretend you heard and agree.

When I saw his eyebrows rise, I quickly shook my head.

_What?_

I didn't understand myself anymore!

'Edward... I thought you were supposed to get the pills...'

He looked amused and I tried glaring at him. I think I'd never be able to fully glare at him again after all that he did to me this night. He smiled a little and raised one eyebrow. 'I just remembered. We don't have any.'

'Yeah we do, I just choked in one,' I said, and his face didn't really change and he didn't look any different.

'Oh. Yeah. Well... That was the last one.'

I gaped at him. 'You, Edward Cullen, are lying, and not even good!'

He huffed. 'So the alternative?' he asked nonchalantly.

I opened my mouth to say something, but he had leapt forward and taken my lower lip between his. I was shocked by the warmishness and embarassness, and while I was closing my mouth, his opened and I started losing my mind.

When that happens, I don't really remember much of what is happening.

'Bella? Annie?'

My eyes snapped up. 'What did _you _just say?'

'Annie, it's your nickname. You have many now, and I'm trying to find which one is best. As it turns out, each situation requires another nickname. Eh, Annie?'

'Why that one?' I asked, looking him in the eye.

'Annie. Ana. Anorexia.' He was quick at giving me a chaste kiss. 'You're not an Ana. You're small, bony and always hurt. Always bruised by the bones sticking out. I'll call you Annie. Ann for short.'

'Oh,' I said, gripping my head. They all sounded the same. And they all referred back to one damn word. Edward chuckled softly.

'Anything the matter, Annie? Annoyed yet again, _Isabella_?'

'Ugh.' I rubbed my fingers over my forehead. But then an idea popped in my head and I snapped my eyes back to his. He noticed how mine probably looked wicked. 'I won't tell you my middle name.'

'No?' he asked softly. 'You know I can get anything I want, right?' he asked rather huskily, leaning over and running his hands from my lower back up to my shoulders. 'I know the effect I have on you. With a little touchin', starin' and kissin', I'm gonna get what I want,' he softly said.

I gulped. 'I already said I'd do anything,' I mumbled, barely inaudible for me.

He was quiet for a moment. I had given up, because of him. I had surrendered, because of him.

_I told you I'd to anything. Because of you._

'Anything, huh? No, I don't believe that. Am I that scary now?'

I pushed myself away from him, though his hands were still touching my back with his fingertips.

'Did I scare you? My sweet little Marie, how can you not have learned from previous times that I am only kidding. Or being a jerk. Take your pick.'

I gasped in defeat. 'You already know,' I grumbled angrily. _When and how did he figure out what me middle name was?_

'Angry, Bella, about such an insignificant piece of info? It doesn't even matter crap, Bella.'

'Edward!' I called out frustrated. 'Please! You don't make sense and I am really trying here to understand you.'

He closed his mouth and looked at me. 'In normal English then!' he said, exaggerating the way I did. Yeah, he was mocking me again. 'I love you, but you don't love me. I want to have sex with you, but you don't want that. I...' His mouth was moving, I saw. But my ears couldn't hear the words anymore. His mouth was moving faster and faster, throwing words, but there was only one thing I kept hearing in my mind and that was that Edward had just said that he wanted to have sex with me.

_Want... to..._

What the hell?

What does that even mean?

Why?

'Bella, fuck! Are you listening?'

'Eh, I lost you after sex,' I said, and I tried to figure out what it was he said next. No, I couldn't really remember.

He groaned out loud and suddenly, his hands grabbed my knees, and pushed them away from each other. He had come closer to me and I had to look way up to meet his eyes. His eyes were piercing mine, while he pushed me against the end of the tub, I started whimpering. I was trying to push my legs close, but each time I did, I was pressing Edward's thighs or legs.

'Bella, look at me.'

I whimpered and slipped a little deeper and grabbed the sides of the tub. He was holding the tub himself as well, each hand next to my head.

'Look at me,' he demanded. With another whimpered, I looked up and he smiled. 'Darling, you are so fucked up.'

'Uh,' I said, a little angrily but also shakily.

'And I really don't know what you could possible be thinking now, but I did realize something just now, and that is, that you are very, very ignorant of sex. I mean, I thought that you at least knew a _thing_ like the stuff you can find in biology books, but you don't even know that! So my point, Bella, is that if you did know _anything_, you'd know that what I'm doing now, is not something sexual.'

'Edward,' I whimpered pathetically, pushing myself a little up but he didn't back away. Our faces were very close to each other. 'I don't understand! Please...'

He dared to come forward and press his lips against my cheek. 'You don't have to. You only need to take my word for it.'

'Excuse me, but you're _again _between my legs, and-and...'

'Hey, shh, relax a bit, will you? What are you stressing about, anyway? So what I'm on top of you? Is there something you feel? Dread? Desire? Hope?'

Each time I had scowled deeper and said, 'No.'

'Then does it matter?' His fingers ran over my face.

I blinked a thousand times, trying to comprehend it, but... no. He was manipulating me, I was sure of that. 'It does, so get off.'

'I don't think so,' he said.

I sighed in defeat. 'Please...' I murmured, feeling myself crack. He did that to me. He was making me feel miserable again.

Instead of having mercy, he now fully pressed his body against mine, and it was harder for me to hold on the edges of the tub. Edward took my wrists and I gasped when there was nothing for me to hold anymore. He placed them on his shoulder and waited until I gripped it tightly.

He had me, cornered and clinging on him.

_Gu-reat._

'Just fuck me and get it over with!' I angrily threw at him, because I was feeling too stressed to wait until he did what he wanted to do in his agonizingly slow way.

_What does it matter to you?_

_Piss off, bitch._

His eyes held mischief and I inched my head away. We were already too close to each other and I was naked. 'Fuck... You...?' He said slowly, while holding my stare.

'Yeah...' I mumbled.

'Not tonight,' he said softly, coming closer and this time, I closed my eyes, because I saw it coming.

Only he didn't. And embarrassed as I was, I slowly opened them, but Edward mumbled, 'No, keep your eyes close.'

I did.

_Seventeen... Eighteen... Twenty-two... Five years later..._

It was his fingers running over my lips now, from left to right, many times, while I felt his breath on my skin.

'And also not here. But,' he said, and I opened my eyes, to see his directly looking at me, 'definitely some day, at some place, and preferably...' he trailed off, his eyes suddenly far away.

'Are you talking about sex?' I bluntly asked.

His eyes got back to mine, and he bluntly replied, 'Yes.'

'Preferably what?' I asked quickly, ignoring his answer.

He grinned while he slowly answered, 'Your bed.'

If I had been eating or drinking something, I would have choked in my food or drink. So now I was choking in my own spit and after a few seconds, I remembered my position and decided enough was enough.

'Stop it and let me go!' I said, pushing myself hard against his shoulders, only his arms in return tightened. He was too strong. I remembered something he once told me in New York and I tried doing it now. No harm could be done while trying it. I let my ankles loosen so they weren't holding each other anymore and quickly placed my knee between us. Edward looked a little confused and I tried pushing that way and he just grabbed my knee and turned me, until my back was facing him.

Finally, I was loose, but his arms were still somehow around me.

'Damn it, do I taste like honey or something?' I mumbled rhetorically. I was seething. Only, I wondered if some of that anger was unnecessary.

Edward didn't think of it as rhetorical. 'Let me try and find out,' was his reply and I froze when a open mouthed kiss was on my shoulder, his tongue touching my skin.

_Oh, no. What do I do? What is he doing? _

_Shit!_

'No, not honey,' he said in my ear. 'But something else. Something better.'

_Ignore the tongue and ignore the kiss and ignore you're naked. Ignore... Ignore... what a sacred word._

'I have a question.' There, another. It had just popped in me head. Since he never told me to continue, I just did. 'You do this to every girl that you meet? You know, you said they all liked it if they kissed you. Or if you kissed them.' I still remembered what he had said that day on the weird roof in New York.

Again I was counting in my head and reached the fifty seconds, when I heard him talk again. 'I can't tell.'

'That's mean. It's just a question. You cut me open and made me hurl out my guts and you can't give me this one thing?'

He placed his chin on my shoulder. 'But the answer will scare you, Elli.'

'I already know the answer, Edward, I just want to hear you say it, because then I know for sure!'

_Seriously, Elli?_

'Then tell me, what is the answer?'

'Yes, all of them, you did it to all of them and they came back for more. You kiss them... like... this and treat them differently... better, because I'm... I'm just... an anorexic that needs to have a guy's finger down her throat and a razor down her arm, and he won't stop until she be-egs,' I gasped out, especially the last word. 'And now she's... I...'

He let go of me and I couldn't feel him anymore... he was gone and so was his touch. It made me feel empty.

_What the hell?_

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.'

'No, it's alright,' he said from still behind me. 'I don't mind. Only I disagree with one thing. The answer to the question. It's _no _Bella, I didn't do that to every girl and to be precise, to any of those girls. All I did was kiss them, screw them and tell a few little lies.' I sobbed and he stopped instantly. 'You're the-'

'But isn't that what you're doing to me as well?' I whispered, now freely crying. It hurt so much.

'A thousand fucking no's,' he said quickly. 'This is not something cheap and meaningless. It's a guy having a little fun with a girl. I've never done _this _for any other girl, Bella. You're the first.'

I turned and saw a small tear roll down his right cheek. He was staring straight at me. 'Bullshit. And why are you crying?'

'Because you're mouth is bleeding and you're arms is hurting you.'

I wiped my mouth. He was right. And my arm was stinging.

'Let me,' he said, coming back towards me, with confident in his voice, 'kiss you.'

I started to shake my head. He didn't take any notice, as he started to lean forward and was just about to kiss me. I decided to tell the truth. 'I'm slightly scared.'

He stopped to look at me with confusion, but then he moved to my ear. 'Don't be. But I'm glad you admitted. I'll be good, I promise. Kind, gentle, slow. Believe me.'

'I do, I think, but-'

'Shh, the only thing that I want on you mind now is,' he pushed back until he was looking at me, 'that I want to kiss you and that the pain will be gone soon.'

He was leaning forward again. 'Edward...' I said in a small voice.

He sighed and put his hands on my cheeks. 'Yes, Bella?' he said in a small voice as well.

'I can't kiss.'

He smiled a little. 'That's alright. I don't mind.'

'Wait.' He stopped when there was only one more inch left.

'Hmm?' he said, almost amused by my hard thinking to come up with something.

'Please don't hurt me again,' I said and his eyes changed.

_No. Of course not._

I think that's what they said. Really? Could it be?

He leaned forward to only lightly touch my lips with his. I took a fast intake of a breath. He brought his hands to the side of my head, in my wet hair.

'That pain wasn't meant for you, Bella,' he breathed out as he gave another quick kiss.

I swayed at little and Edward held my shoulders. 'But that doesn't make any sense.'

He smiled, totally at ease. 'I only gave you what you wanted, Bella. Isn't that what you wanted?'

My eyes widened and I couldn't help but feel pain by that remark. Edward pushed my head a little up and I let a few tears fall.

_Right in front of you, sicko. Enjoy my pain. Drink it all in._

His lips were slightly open as he pushed his lips on my cheeks slowly going up and kissing my eyes. I was trembling myself, but that could have also been because of the cold. He started to push me towards him and I whimpered and gave a small shriek.

'Hey...' he mumbled, running his hands over my arms and back. 'This is part of kissing away the pain, Annie. I'm only going to hold you.' He pushed my side to his chest and I had to push my knees up because I was now sitting in the shorter area of the tub. He put his other hand on my knee and started rubbing ever inch of my legs. His other hand was doing the same with my back. 'I'm sorry that I hurt you. I won't hurt you again.'

My body was moving away from his hands by the force he was using. Not painful force. Comfortable force. It made me doze off and I wondered if I actually slept in there for a while.

Suddenly, I wasn't sure if I was hearing right. 'I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do.' I scowled and moved my head a little against Edward's chest. _Is he singing?_ 'But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you.' _Shit. And a damn good one he was. _His voice could have been that which had been recorded and perfectionised. It was so unfair. 'And so I have to say before I go. That I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me.' I was listening very carefully. I closed my eyes and enjoyed that singing voice. _So unfair. _'To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new.' I glanced up and he was already looking down and our eyes locked. 'And the reason is you.' I pushed my head down again, feeling my breathing go faster. 'I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through. I wish that I could take it all away.' I put my knuckle in my mouth and bit, to prevent myself from screaming and saying something stupid. I was suddenly overwhelmed by feelings. _Too much. _Edward pushed my head up and my mouth instantly loosened, my hand half in the air and my mouth unable to shut itself. 'And be the one who catches all your tears,' he softly sang and I bit my lip. He was staring at me lips now. 'That's why I need you to hear. I'm not a perfect person. I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go. That I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new.' He took my hand and freed it from it's hanging position in the air and brought it close to his lips. 'And the reason is you.' His lips brushed against my hand. 'I've found a reason to show. A side of me you didn't know. A reason for all that I do.'

I had to fight some feeling inside of me, keep it in. I didn't know the feeling. But I was fighting to keep it in. And it was so damn hard.

But I was slipping. Not strong enough for that feeling. It was taking me over. And soon, it _would_. 'And the reason is you,' he slowly ended, and that's when and where the feeling took over me and yelled _are you crazy, kiss him! _and I pushed myself up and was kissing him now. Edward froze and I quickly drew back.

'I'm sorry!' I quickly said, but Edward's hands pushed me back and now he was kissing me.

He chuckled against my lips when I was completely still. 'Did you just apologize after kissing me?' He lightly knocked on my head. 'Hello?' he replied mockingly and slightly sarcastically. 'Is something really the matter with you?' He dropped to eye level. 'You can kiss me anytime you want, _Bella_,' he said.

I closed my mouth and swallowed. 'I-eh, you could have a singing career as well,' I said instead.

He laughed. 'You've already said all the careers that I _don't _want.'

'At least you have a few.'

His laughter changed to a smile. 'You too.'

I shook my head.

'You just don't know it yet.'

I shook my head again.

'Bella, question,' he slowly said. 'Is it really such a bad idea to just stay with me? For a long time, I mean. You'd be with me... A doctor's wife. Why not?' he mused.

I started to get chills and not because of cold.

'You changed me, Bella. You are my better half. You've done so much good to me and the sad part is, you don't even know it. But would you stay? If I asked you to, could you live with me?'

I couldn't look at him anymore. 'What do you want me to say?' I murmured.

'I'm not expecting anything,' he said. 'Just know it. Acknowledge it.'

I think I nodded my head. I think Edward chuckled. _I think..._

'You should get out,' he said, stepping out and the water of his pants fell down and it was sticking on his legs.

'Aren't those uncomfortable?' I asked, pointing at his pants.

He stepped out with one foot, 'Yeah,' he said, pulling out the other, 'but wouldn't you be uncomfortable if I did take them off?'

He got a towel and I was staring like a maniac. He... had though of me? _What? _He had sat on me, lied on my, between me, kissed me, and all that time, I had been naked. And then he thought something like that would make me uncomfortable... taking his own pants off... so he didn't, for me?

'Are you coming out yet?' he asked, standing with the towel in front of him, wide open.

'Erh...' He put the towel higher and I couldn't see his face anymore.

_Considered?_

I got up and his arms with the towel got around me, and I was covered by it now. Edward lifted me up and I automatically lifted my knees so my feet wouldn't hit the tub.

'Aren't you tired, piece of beauty? There's a bed there, go make use of it,' he said, pushing me towards the broken door.

When he stopped pushing, I stopped walking.

'I'm going to clean the blood, or else they'll think someone has been murdered here,' he said.

When he saw my face, I sadly smiled. 'Yeah, they'll guess right.'

'Go sleep, Bella,' he said softly, waiting until I moved.

But there was again a strong feeling inside of me, which I was trying to keep in. Only it was getting harder each time, especially on the moment that I heard Edward's voice or looked at his face.

'I'll take care of everything, why aren't you going?'

He didn't say it harshly, but it felt like a slap and I dropped my eyes. 'Okay,' I mumbled, turning, but I couldn't walk out of the door. That thing I had been holding back, talked. 'Come with me?'

Edward didn't say anything and I quickly turned.

'I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that, I'm going!' I quickly said and walked out. Only, I heard him follow me. I heard him close behind me. I heard him breath. I heard his footsteps.

I stood in front of the bed and Edward's hand appeared, pushing the blankets away. Without talking, he pushed me in de bed and I held the towel tightly around me. He pushed the blankets back over me and sat down on the bed. I looked at him, while he was staring outside.

He looked tired. Exhausted from the ride to Forks. Exhausted form the fear of losing me. Exhausted from taking care of me. Exhausted, while there still was work for him.

He didn't have to do that now. It was my blood, I'd clean it later.

'Edward, I think you should sleep,' I said, still a bit embarrassed about my previous remark.

He slowly turned his head to me and smiled crookedly. Sweet smile.

'Denny...' I mumbled, my mind making things up for me before I even realized it.

He blinked once and looked confused. 'Sorry, what?'

'Anthony... Antheny... Thenny... Denny...'

His eyebrows raised and I felt stupid.

'They look a like, a little and you are always making nicknames for me,' I mumbled.

He sighed and stood up and started walking to the bathroom. 'Be back in a sec,' he said, winking.

I could have cried. What was wrong with me? So what he decided to clean that shit first? So what he decided that was better then staying with me? So what he left just after I gave him a nickname?

He didn't like the nickname. He hated Denny.

I jumped when the half broken door loudly opened and Edward came walking to me, _what had it been, two minutes? _and he was only wearing shorts, clean ones I guessed, since the previous ones had been wet. I quickly yanked my head away from half naked Edward and looked at the ceiling.

'So...' he said, walking as if nothing was the matter.

_No, you're not practically naked and no, it's not such a big effort for me to keep my eyes at the damn ceiling!_

'A nickname for a nickname?'

He pushed the blankets back and layed next to me. I looked at him and he smiled.

'Why are you looking like that?' he asked.

'Like what?' I asked.

'Happy.'

I looked away with my eyes for a second and then back at him. 'Happy?'

He nodded. 'You look like something wonderful just happened.'

_Okay, damn this boy_. I blushed and his fingers were instantly touching my cheeks. When I slowly steered my head to look at him, I saw that his eyes were closed.

'How could I deny you, little one?' he asked, slowly opening his eyes. 'I'm glad you still want me around.' I stared at his green eyes again. Sometimes, I forget them, but when I noticed them again, I felt incredibly stupid. How could you forget the world's prettiest colour is right in front of you? 'Sleep,' he mumbled, closing his own eyes.

I laughed a little. 'You need it more.'

He looked up again. 'Hmm. Sorry.'

'What for?' I asked.

'Just...' he muttered, his breaths becoming deeper, 'everything.'

He started to fall asleep and his hand was very close to mine. I let my fingers run over his, until his wrist. He had large fingers, very broad and very _I sighed _beautiful.

_Ass._

I knew what God looked like and I knew his name. Yeah, I had personally met him. I sighed again. _Edward, Edward, Edward. What will happen?_

I had been running my fingers over his hand and wrist non-stop, making meaningless circles. I felt so sad for him. With all the things he'd been through. And now me.

He was here because of me. For me. There were no cruel intentions. There wasn't any harm. He didn't have an evil plan. There was none.

He was here and that was all.

When I looked up, I shrieked and jumped a little. Edward's eyes, open, and looking at me. 'I thought you were asleep!' I accused.

'I can't,' he replied.

I withdrew my hand. He grabbed it back and pushed it against his chest. He pushed a little more, until I had to push myself closer to him. He put my hand on his arm and put his other arm around me.

'What's your excuse?' he asked.

'You.'

He looked at me for a second and then burst out into laughter's.

_Glad to amuse you._

I felt asleep with his laughter ringing in my ears.

He also woke me up.

'You've been sleeping for hours, Bella,' I heard him say.

'Give me one more,' I said, dozing off again.

'I will, but first we eat.'

I froze but quickly understood what he was saying and what he would do. I jumped off the bed and ran towards the door.

_Just get away from him. He just wants to get you fat._

_I know, I know, I'm running._

The door was locked and I turned around in panick. Edward was still sitting on the bed and he slowly stood up.

'No!'

It was then I smelled food. Fries? Hamburgers? It was something greasy and definitely fat making.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God._

He was coming closer. 'No, no, no,' I begged, pushing myself hard against the door.

But he didn't stop coming over to me.

'Please, please, I can't, really, can't, I, no, no, please,' I begged and mumbled, and with each step he took, I felt myself sink lower, until I was on the floor with my knees pressing against me.

He was standing right in front of me, then, tall, powerful and having me completely at his will.

_Oh, dear God..._

I wasn't looking at him, I was pressing my forehead hard against my knees. Trying to make the pain go away.

It did no good, because the pain was only growing.

He put his hand lightly on my head. I cringed, pushing myself more in each other.

Edward, on the other hand, was doing the opposite. He was undoing me.

He being the stronger one, would of course win, but I wouldn't let him win without a fight. He was smartly pushing at my shoulders, so that it wouldn't be bended so and then pushing my calfs and feet towards him. When I hit my back on the door, I tilted my head.

'What?' I snapped and sniffed once.

He was looking at me, very carefully, and then reached for my head. He got on both of his knees, so that he was the taller one and pushed my head back, so that it was in an angle that was _almost _not uncomfortable.

But being like this, being forced to look up, at him, made me feel small.

'I'm not letting you sleep, if there's a chance that it's not _just _sleeping, you got that?' he asked sharply.

I couldn't answer, but my eyes told him enough. _No, I don't understand._

He started to explain. 'If there's a slightest chance you might not wake up, I won't let you sleep. I'm asking simple things and you'll listen. For now, I don't care that you hate it and hate me. I'm not going to bury a corpse.'

I was nervous and shaking a little under his grip. He loosened his grip and took my hands in his. He stood up and pulled me along. I didn't bother to stand straight, so Edward was helping me to the bed and I fell instantly on the bed.

Oh, yes. It's the big M.

I stared at the brownish packet next to me, which contained the two thousand calories burger.

Edward took my hand and pushed me up in a sitting position. 'Eat that.' I sighed and stared at the burger again. I didn't know how long it had been, but I started toying with the box.

_Don't eat it. Find a way to get out._

The door was locked. I couldn't jump out of the window. And I had no place to go.

When I glanced at Edward, I say he was doing stuff on his Blackberry. He didn't notice me.

I started biting my lip, slowly opening it. I looked at the burger. Two sliced of meat, cheese, white bread, _dear God_.

I tightly closed my eyes as I picked it up and lifted it to my lips. I couldn't believe it when my teeth sank thought the different kinds of things, but it was in my mouth and I was quickly chewing it and pushing it down my throat. It hurt.

_Disgusting. Fat. Stupid. Spit it out. Throw the burger in his face. Stop eating._

I was taking shaky breaths and holding the burger in my hands while staring into space. The burger left my hand and the box on my lap did too. I looked around confused, but Edward was bending down, putting them on the floor. He showed me the coke and I took it. I took a few small sips and soon, Edward took that away from me as well.

I was scowling and looking at him and he smiled.

'Now, my fair lady, you are allowed to get those few more promised hours of sleep.' My mouth dropped. He was happy with... one bite and a few sips of coke?

_What? No! That can't be._

'I didn't eat so much,' I said, honestly wondering what he was thinking.

He raised an eyebrow. 'I say you did. You get no more or less. You ate _enough_.' He showed we a few clothes. 'I got these for you. I threw the rest away.'

I stared at the clothes.

'Wear them. They're more comfortable then a towel.'

He turned his back to me, leaning against the sill and again busy with his Blackberry.

I put on the white bra, the sweater, grey this time, and the panties and pants. Black ass well.

'I never said I wanted to be a Goth,' I said.

He abruptly turned and saw me. He suddenly laughed. 'I hadn't even noticed.'

I rolled my eyes. The food and drink was still to obviously in my stomach.

'Why won't you sleep?'

I shrugged.

'Well, it's ten to twelve. Christmas is almost over.' _I'm glad. _'But not quite yet. And I told you I would buy you something.' Oh, no... I looked up carefully, really hoping he hadn't done what I thought he had done.

He walked over to me and put a tiny green box next to the pillow.

While he was still leaned over, he brought his head closer to mine. 'This isn't a _forgive me _or _I'm sorry _gift. I'm simply giving it to, because it's the perfect gift for you.' He raised his head a little more until he could kiss my forehead. 'It really is.'

I didn't know what to say.

He simply smiled to me. 'Merry Christmas,' he softly said, climbing in the bed next to me. He got under the blankets and was busy with his Blackberry for a few more minutes, until he put it aside and looked at me.

Again, he smiled and pushed at my sweater. Mentioning me to sleep as well.

I got under the blankets as well and layed on my side so that my back was facing him and my eyes the gift. Did I want to know what he had bought? Or should I just not open it and he'll get the hint?

'Or me.'

What was that? I turned around and Edward had his eyes closed and seemed asleep. _Seemed_. There was another thing I didn't understand. What him?

I silently shook my head and put one finger on the box. What was in it? He had mentioned jewellery. I studied the box and actually, now that I saw it more clearly, I could easily open and close it, without anyone knowing I opened it.

I picked it up and pushed the top until the gift inside it was revealed. My eyes widened. It was a golden ring with a green _mineral _on it, like he had called it himself. I didn't know what stone it was, but it was green. Next to the green stone, where a few smaller ones that were probably diamonds. But what I noticed most, was the big green in the middle.

Green.

Gosh. He really knew about my strange liking for the colour of his eyes. This green, however, was a few shades lighter and a few shades different.

It was still beautiful.

I closed the top of the box, and something in my mind registered.

Now I understood.

_Merry Christmas._

_Or me._

I closed my eyes tightly. _No. _That was too far thinking of me. He didn't actually mean _or marry me_.

Did he?

* * *

**A/N **So when I was little, I thought merry means marry. Kind of weird, because the spelling is different. And it's weird to say to 'marry' Christmes. Later, I understood that merry means 'happy'. So that's how I came up with the above. My silly thought of when I was small.

I love that song *it's something I must live with everyday* aawh The reason by Hoobastank, listen to it if you don't know it. Pretend E is singing to B and think of my story =D


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters.

**My inspiration:**

****

My love ~ Zucchero

Wild cat in a sad dog story  
Nine roads to follow  
A moment's all it takes to say goodbye

For all the pain so sweet

My love, I'm dreaming of one girl  
Someone to make my world  
Someone just like you

**Grenade ~ Bruno Mars**

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you

**Somebody's me ~ Enrique Iglesias**

You will always be in my life, even if I'm not in your life.  
Cause you're in my memory.

You, when you remember me?  
And before you set me free, oh listen please.

Somebody wants you,  
Somebody needs you,  
Somebody dreams about you every single night.  
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.  
Somebody hopes that someday you will see, that somebody's me.

**I'm with you ~ Avril Lavigne**

Won't you take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you

**Oasis ~ Stop crying your heart out**

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared  
You'll never change what's been and gone  
May your smile shine on  
Don't be scared  
Your destiny may keep you warm

'Cause all of the stars have faded away  
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday  
Take what you need and be on your way  
And stop crying your heart out

Get up, come on  
Why you scared?  
You'll never change what's been and gone

###

* * *

**Maybe, I don't know**

It felt like I had slept for hours. My body felt it. I felt it. I felt happy and rested. I smiled a little and stretched in the bed. My foot brushed Edward's leg and I quickly snapped my head to where he was lying. Already looking at me.

'If I'd have known any better, I'd say you had a hell of a night.'

My mouth opened a little but I quickly closed it and turned my back to him.

'Awh, Bella, I'm only kidding,' he said, his voice closer then it was before.

I took a deep breath. Talking wasn't much of an option now.

'Ready to leave?' he asked.

I had already closed my eyes again and had begun to doze off. My body was being pushed until I layed on my back. Edward chuckled.

'Bel-la,' he said, making the last part last longer. He ran his fingers over both of my hands and I felt him lean closer to me. 'You're not wearing it,' he whispered in my ear, his breath tingling around my ear. I pushed my face a little in the pillow. I wanted to sleep some more. His arm was over me for a second and then not anymore. I heard some small noises and then his fingers touching my right hand again. He only held my ring finger and slipped something on it.

_The ring._

He held my fingers and brought it up until he pressed my hand on his lips. His thumb ran over the back of my hand a few times and then he leaned a little closer again, his forehead touching mine.

'Don't fall back asleep again,' he softly said. He stroked my cheek and I moved a little uncomfortably. 'Alright, a few more minutes,' he said. 'I'll check your arm in the meantime.' The bed moved under me and he shifted so that he sat by my left arm. I hissed when he pushed the sleeve up, no longer feeling sleepy. He opened the bandage and soft breezes that were already in the room felt like a knife over the wounds. 'Awh, Elli, this will scar,' he said, his voice sounding gruesome. I shrugged and one of his hands touched my shoulder. 'But I mind.' I shrugged again. Yeah, right. He just wants it to scar. Make it a better reminder for me, I was sure.

He sighed. 'S'okay, Denny.' He chuckled as he started to press something in my arm. _IN... my arm... _I stiffened and pushed myself up. My eyes dropped to the needle in my arm.

_I thought..._

'Oh, no, Bella, no, it's only a needle.' My eyes were shifting from the needle, to his hand, to his arm, to his chest, then his face, and at last the green. 'Sweetie, no, I'm not going to cut you.' He quickly pushed the end of the tube and I felt a liquid get inside my body. He pulled out the needle, put it aside and put his hands softly on either side of my face. 'Bella, don't be afraid.' I looked up at him slowly and he smiled a little. 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to stitch up the cuts.'

'That's okay,' I mumbled, looking down at his chest.

He held my face a second longer, and started to do his thing. I didn't feel much, thankfully.

'Almost done, Bella,' he said. 'There, as good as... it can be.'

I looked down, stitches covering my wrists. No, it couldn't be as good as new.

'You know what you need now?' he asked. I looked up and he grinned. 'I know.' He took the phone next to the bed and pressed a button. 'Yes, this is room 201, I'd like to have number 16. Thanks.'

'So number 16 is food,' I said.

He leaned over to me, his eyes open, and mine were open too. He pressed his lips on mine, staring at me. After a few seconds, he pushed back, looking a little curiously. 'The ring fits you well.'

_Why did that kiss feel normal? As if it didn't happen, because it felt just so natural._

_Ugh, my poor brain..._

'Wha-' I started, dropping my head to my hand, then to my other one, seeing the huge piece of jewellery on _my _finger. 'I really-' I started, putting my hand on the ring, ready to yank it off.

'Keep it, Bella. It's a gift.' He had put his hand on both of mine to prevent me from any other movement.

'Room service,' a man's voice called.

Edward stood up, walking backwards to the door, and I didn't have a chance to take the ring of sneakily. He opened the door and gave the man something and took the plate from him.

When the door was closed, he came over to me again.

I had closed my eyes. 'I don't want it. I'm not eating it. I don't need it.' _What ever it is. _'And I-' I heard a spoon or fork, '-really, really don't think I should eat that. Because-'

'Shut the fuck up, Annie,' he said, cutting me off, and then pressing his lips against mine hard and I gasped. He instantly pushed his tongue inside my mouth and I froze. _Chocolate. _I put my hands on his shoulder, ready to push him away hard, like he was treating me now, not so kind and soft anymore, but Edward pushed my hands away, so that they fell behind his back and he leaned forward. He picked me up smoothly and I was suddenly in a position that had me sitting on top of him. Straddling him. His hands on my back kept me there in that position.

Oh God, there was chocolate in my mouth and I swallowed it easily. I felt a smudge next to my lips and when Edward pulled back, I glared at him. 'Ass.' I stared at his lips, and he had a smudge of chocolate as well on his lip. 'You've got chocolate on your lip, jerk,' I said. He pushed his head back up and his tongue suddenly traced the side of my lip, taking the chocolate as well. I pushed myself up, but he kept me in the circle of his arms. I was so nervous and he wasn't making it any better for me.

'Ass, jerk, what's the next insult going to be, sweet love?' he whispered in my ear. 'Wanker?'

'Wanker,' I instantly said.

_But what is a wanker?_

I saw how he pushed the spoon in the cake while slightly shaking his head and put it right in front of my mouth.

I stared at him as if he'd gone crazy.

He broadly smiled. 'I kind of was hoping for that reaction, Ana,' he said, taking the bite himself, chewing a few times and all of a sudden, pressing his lips against mine once again. A little less force this time, but still with some determination.

I should have guessed... only I hadn't... I felt worse then a donkey.

He managed to have my lips parting again and now he pushed even a bigger amount of chocolate in my mouth. _Shit. This is another form of force feeding. _

_Ha. If I had thought the last time he had force fed me, in the plane, that he would _ever _do this to me- _Shut up!

I pushed my lips a little close, only he opened them up again. Professional, much? I pushed them close again, only now I had Edward's lip between mine. _Double the shit._

He'll think I'm kissing him back... Won't he?

_Bite him._

I pushed my teeth in his lips and... stopped at the point before it got painful for him.

Why?

_Because you're an idiot._

Edward pushed back, his lip leaving my teeth, and instantly came back, giving one hard, last kiss, as he pushed back. I put my hand in front of my mouth so that the very obvious food that was still in my mouth wouldn't fall out and it slipped down my throat.

'Shit,' I said. _I ate chocolate. I had Edward Cullen's lip between mine. And bit that same lip. _'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' I said quickly, my breathing a bit heavier, until Edward pressed his finger on my lips. My cursing rant stopped. But it continued in my head. _Damn, crack, shit, fuck, mother-_

Edward leaned back on the bed, pulling me along and my mind went blank. My hair fell down, next to his head. I stared down at him while he was actually under _me. _'Did you just bite me?' he asked seriously.

'Eh... You deserved to be bitten.'

He blinked and in one movement, had our positions turned. He was now lying on top of me. 'Why?'

'As a punishment,' I said.

He raised one single eyebrow. 'But you didn't hurt me, lovely,' he said, slightly sarcastically. He leaned over and took my lower lip between his teeth, gentle pulling it up, _shit, I whimpered, what an embarrassing sound, _until it slipped out of his teeth and I moved under him nervously. His eyes were piercing me until I blushed, feeling the heat warming my cheeks and neck. He leaned to my ear. 'You did _that_ to me,' he whispered in my ear and pulled himself up. _That. _What was that? _Shit._ He took both of my hands and pulled me up as well, having me sit next to him. His large arm came around me and he again pushed the spoon in the cake to offer me another bite. Yeah, it was either open my mouth now or open it when Edward's mouth was on mine.

I did the first and opened my mouth. Edward didn't move and I looked up. Edward was looking at me with humour in his eyes. I shut my mouth and pushed away from him. He shrugged as if it didn't matter and ate the piece himself. I pushed my knees up and put my head on it.

I felt ridiculous being around him. _He had cut me. Made me bleed. Made me vomit. Lied to me. Betrayed me. Left me. Hurt me. Murdered me. _Or so it felt. And now... it felt like I was being toyed with. Not taken seriously. Had he ever taken me seriously?

After a minute, when my sobbing was turning to the sounds of a drowning cat, Edward came closer to me and put his arm around me.

'Hey,' he softly said, close to my ear. I winced by his touch and longed for... somebody else. Somebody that really loved me. _Mom? Dad? Nobody?_ 'Stop crying your heart out,' he murmured softly. 'Hold on. Why are you scared?' It was so slowly said. As if he was reading it off from a paper.

I huffed. 'I hate you.'

'I don't mind.'

'You're such an ass.' My voice broke and sounded strange in my ears.

'If you think so.'

'Something is wrong with you.' Frustration was building inside of me and as was the pain.

'My shrink is still trying to figure out what exactly.'

I started to get angry and impatient. 'Stop agreeing!'

'Okay.'

My head snapped up and I saw his face. Neutral. Blank. Empty. 'I said stop.'

'Okay,' he said more defensively.

'Stop!' I said.

He blinked and didn't say no more. Something was on his face. It looked like humour. Was it humour? I looked a little more closer. But then it left. _Yeah, it's humour._

My anger reduced me to more tears.

He sighed and his hands were on me. I roughly pushed them away, only to have them a second later back on me. 'No, come on. We're doing this all over again,' he said, lifting me up fast in his arms.

'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more, no, no cut, no, dead, no,' I mumbled against his chest, holding it so tightly that it might have hurt him. I didn't want yesterday to repeat itself again, I couldn't. I'd die again. And that's impossible, dying twice.

'Oh, Bella,' he murmured, walking to the scariest place ever. The bathroom. 'You are so fucking fucked up. It's breaking my fucking heart,' he added with light sarcasm in his voice.

'Please, please,' I whimpered. 'Don't force me, please, it hurt, I'd rather die, please no more vomiting, no... more cutting, please no-' I was cut off when water was directly hitting my head and back and it was ice cold. I screamed until I was out of breath and started to shake violently. Each rational thought had left me once the cold had hit me.

_Fear. Anger. Cold. Misery. _

I felt it all.

'Bella, Bella, Bella,' he whispered, putting me down so that I was sitting. 'I'm glad it's just you and me for a moment. Listen.' He lightly touched my chin. 'I cut you open and will do it again because-'

'No!' I yelled, making the no last for a few seconds until his hand was on my mouth and my body sank into the tub I was sitting in again.

'Hush, I didn't mean _do it again_ but I meant that if it's necessary, I would do it again, but it won't be necessary,' his soft voice carried on.

'No,' I whimpered against his lips. 'Shit, shit, _fuck_!' I cursed.

'Hey, watch your mouth,' Edward said crossly. I lifted my head, but there was a smile on his face. _Fake-crossly _I corrected.

'Fuck, fucking, fuckery fuck, shit, fucking shit, fuck!' I sobbed on, the curse rant followed by tears. 'I will...' I said in a high voice, with eyes closed. 'Necessary.'

'Why is it still necessary?' he instantly asked, his hands holding my upper arms tightly. Oh, I didn't know he would have understood me. I wasn't articulating very well anymore. _One point for you, Denny!_

'It's so cold,' I whimpered.

'Bella,' Edward said slowly.

'Because... Because I still want to-' I broke a little and was crying a little harder, '-die!' I pushed him away roughly and unstably tried to get up, at this point standing on my knees and slightly opening my eyes. I only saw a blur, but that blur in front of me was Edward. 'I still want the chocolate out of my stomach!' I wanted to ran, escape from him. He had thought he had fixed me, but I still wanted all those things.

And he hated me for it.

'Let go, Edward,' I whimpered, moving away from him as he tightly put his arms around my waist. 'I still want the pain to go away. I still do... _I'm sorry,' _I said, catching his eyes as I said so.

'So _fucking _what?' he snapped. 'You still want it out? You still want to fucking die? Yeah, it's pretty obvious, but the only thing that is stopping you is your god damn fear and your cowardice.' I flinched and quickly stood up and left the bathroom, praying he was not following me. He had changed back. He was mean and cursing and changed. I sat in the farthest corner and started to shiver harder, feeling my toes swell from cold, go numb and get tingly and my fingers turned numb as well.

Slowly Edward appeared in front of the door walked towards me. _Go away. Go away. Go, please, leave, you're too much to handle._

_I fear. I'm a coward. _His words.

'You'll freeze to death that way, Bella.' _Huh. I thought I was too much of a coward for that, Edward._

'Good way to go,' I murmured.

'Seems a little uncomfortable to me, don't you agree?' he asked, his voice suddenly very kind and caring. _Such an actor. _'Cutting gives you the pleasure of freeing your mind for a second from the emotional pain. The physical one takes over.' He pushed the sleeve of my right arm up and I noticed a little blade in his hand. I stared at it wide eyed. 'Not freezing. Freezing won't do that. Freezing is uncomfortable.' He pressed the blade against my skin and I gasped loudly, waiting for the cruel pain to come.

_Why is he doing this again?_

_Is he really this cruel?_

_Such an evil monster?_

_Does he get a kick when he sees me in pain, begging him to stop?_

When the pressure did not get more, I opened my eyes to see him staring at me.

'What are you doing?' I whispered, my voice thick with emotion.

'Nothing,' he said. The pressure disappeared, only to be abruptly back at another place of my arm. I gasped harder this time and my body automatically jerked up by the fear and shock, my head hitting his chest and I stayed there.

'No, no,' I whispered, shaking my head.

'I'm not cutting, Isabella,' he whispered close by my ear.

'Why?' I asked.

'Because you have to believe me.'

'On what?'

'That I won't cut you.'

'_Why_?' I asked again, more despair in my voice.

'You'll learn to trust me, this way or another way.'

'Oh. But...'

'Hush, Bella, let things be, for once. I love you, and I don't want you hurt. If you are, I am and I don't plan on cutting myself open.'

The pressure started to get back and disappear, until at a point I wasn't thinking of him cutting anymore. I was only thinking about the cold now.

'It's okay, Bella,' he whispered. He wasn't holding the blade anymore. 'I won't be angry or upset if you tell me such things. Like wanting to die or throw up. I'm not expecting you _not _to. Tell me the truth, always, and trust me. Try it.' He bended a little, looking in my eyes. 'And I love you. Don't forget. Kay? Come, let's get you warm.'

He pulled me up again and he put me on the bed and found another pair of sweat pants and a warm looking sweater. I didn't ask where he got the clothes from. He gave them to me and I slowly started to change as he had turned his back to me again, busy on his Blackberry. When I finished, I stood up and waited.

Edward quickly turned and smiled. I didn't smile back. Just stared and waited for... his next command. 'Bella?'

'Hmm?' I asked, only a second meeting his eyes.

'How are you?' he asked.

_What a stupid question._ I rolled my eyes.

'Whatever that means,' he said, walking to the bed and picking his keys. He pulled out the two bottles of wine out of the refrigerator and handed them to me. I automatically took them. Then I felt him push something in the pockets of my sweat pants. I noticed the green box. He threw the clothes quickly in a bin, as if they were nothing.

He once more looked around and then put his hand lightly on my back, guiding me to the door.

Once checked out and in the car, I was sitting in the back, with on of the bottles in my hand, we were off. I had kicked off my shoes and was sitting with my feet up, my back leaning against the door and the side of my body against the leather.

We had been driving for three hours and I couldn't take the silent anymore. The radio had been on, but I meant the silence between him and me.

'What's a wanker, anyway?' I asked. When he didn't answer, I looked up to see him staring at me through the mirror. 'Stupid question? I... eh-never mind,' I mumbled, slumping further down in the seat.

He started to laugh and tossed the Blackberry towards me. It landed on my lap. 'Search it up.'

It took me ten minutes to find the internet and another fifteen minutes to have written the word in Google and hit enter. I found a website and zoomed in. I started to read, 'A British term for "one who masturbates". Commonly used as an insult. _God damn that wanker._' I stopped, my eyes flying over the words again. 'Huh?' I scowled. 'Oh. Shit. Wait, eh- what?'

Edward started to laugh again, louder this time and longer.

'I still don't know what wanker means,' I said, a little annoyed, as I scrolled down that website. I started to see vague dirty images. 'Wow, porn website,' I mumbled.

He abruptly started to pull down on the hard shoulder, and I had to put my hand on the seat next to me to prevent myself from falling over. Edward got out and opened the door I was leaning on. I hadn't seen it coming and started to feel backwards. I was falling, but Edward's arms were fast on my back, holding me while I was practically lying. His lips were on mine, and I gasped as he gave me a long, _quite normal_, sweet kiss. When he leaned back, I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me.

He started pulling me out of the car, most of my weight on him, and when my feet hit the ground, he turned me, closed the door and pushed me until my back hit the door. I scowled and probably looked confused. _What are you doing? _The question must have been in my eyes. He lightly chuckled as he put his hands on either side of my face, while slowly pushing his big, broad body against mine. His face was so close...

I felt his nose in my hair, close to my ear. 'You should have opened those biology books,' he whispered.

'Why? Do you think I'm stupid again?'

He smiled to himself as he shook his head a little. 'Quite the contrary. I'm finding you very funny. You just humoured me twice in one hour.' His hot breath was close to my ear again, with his nose pushing in my hair, 'And trust me, I can not say that about many girls.'

I shivered. He slowly put his hands on my elbows and brought them up, to my shoulders and pushed me against his chest. My hands rested by my side. _Why hadn't I opened those biology books?_

'Sweet girl. It's okay, _trust me on this one_,' he said, and I could hear the thrill in his voice.

'It has to be about sex.'

_Bella, when have you become so flat?_

_Dunno._

'Yes. You don't know _a thing_, Bella, about sex. That makes you so awesome.'

Now I felt uncertain. 'How's that?' I asked carefully.

'First times, Bella, _your _first time will be so much fun.'

'Oh, dear God,' I mumbled to myself, while rubbing my forehead. 'We're still talking about sex?' _Just so we were on the same page._

'And to be precise, the part where you're not only a virgin, but also are ignorant about sex.'

'I don't want to,' I said quickly and he raised one eyebrow.

'Be a virgin?' he asked.

'Be ignorant!' I quickly said, giving him a scowl. His face changed as well.

Turning to humour again.

'And I do know things,' I said. _What do I know? Penis... Vagina... What else? _

_Ehm... _

_Shit!_

I never thought there was something special to know. I felt sombre.

I had always been so busy. And I had never been good at biology.

He got serious. 'Bella, tell me, what's a blow-job?'

I scowled, shaking my head a little, trying to find out if my mind had ever heard the word. 'What kind of a job?' I instantly asked.

His face changed in a second to at least ten different emotions, until he laughed again. _Oh. Shit. Will I ever stop humiliating myself so?_

Though, his arms around me did get tighter...

'Get in the car, sweet girl, we'll be sooner home if we're actually driving. I just couldn't resist you anymore.' He kissed my forehead and pulled me with him and opened the door for me. Once I got in and he drove again, I typed blow job in Google and hit enter.

'Could I have my phone back?' he asked.

'Oh, yeah, sure,' I said, giving it back to him. The way it was right now, Google still on the screen, blow job still typed in the searching bar.

I put it in his extending hand and he glanced once at it and then at the road. A second later his head snapped back to the phone, staring a bit longer at the screen of his phone. 'What the fuck, Bella?'

'I still don't know the meaning of-'

'Oral sex, Bella, that's what it means,' he snapped.

'Oh,' I muttered.

_That sounds so dirty._

When I looked over, I noticed how Edward's whole body was rigid.

'I'm sorry,' I mumbled. 'Tell me to shut up if I'm being annoying.'

He shook his head and I stared at my fingers. The ring was very obvious on that one single finger. 'No.' He shook his head again. '_No. _I am sorry. I sometimes just don't know what to do with you anymore.'

'You can just dump me. We're not like, a couple,' I said. 'But you can still dump me.'

He turned his head so that I saw the side of his face. 'That's not what I meant.' He turned his head to the road again and seemed to be in deep thought, so I let him be.

And we drove for another hour. And then two more. A few times I had dozed off. Only I was still a little nervous and was having adrenaline in my blood from what I was doing.

_Running_.

'Edward?'

No response.

'I won't talk about sex anymore,' I quickly said.

I could hear the smirk in his voice as he said, 'I can handle it, Bella.'

'Well, I wanted to ask something else.'

'Ask.'

'Just that... I'm a little worried.'

'I didn't hear a question.'

I sighed. And felt miserable. 'Should I?' _Feel worried?_

It took him a moment to reply. 'You're with me, Bella. If that should make you feel more or less comfortable, then that's your pick to make.'

_Jeez, thanks. _'Okay.' I nodded my head. 'I'm with you.'

He turned his head and I noticed a smile on his lips. 'Yes, you are.'

I stared at the big golden ring, with the diamonds surrounding the green.

_No. It really is too much._

I slipped it off and decided to put it somewhere in the car, where he would find it later. But I noticed something on the ring. I hadn't seen it before, but the sun behind me was now reflecting the words craved inside of the ring.

The next gasp was unstoppable.

_'I love you, I.S. -E.C.'_

Oh, shit.

_No._

_What has he done?_

I started to cry.

Could he love me so much?

_Could it be?_

He had told me in words many times. But to see it inside of the ring. It made it feel so very true.

Maybe I was the Grinch. I had seen that movie three times. And just as it happens, his heart had grown three sizes that night when Cindy came to his place and he felt all warm.

I was worse then the Grinch.

'How come this has my initials on it?' I asked him, choking on my sobs. _And yours as well._

Edward didn't turn to look back at me. 'I let them engrave it in it for you.

'You let... for me?' I asked. No, he couldn't have.

'It was no trouble,' he said.

'Still...'

'And it's not too much.'

'But it is.'

'No. I gave it to you. I didn't ask you if you wanted it, but I gave it to you. It's yours.'

I nervously bit on my lip. 'Edward?'

'Yes, _I know, _it's cheesy, cheep, stupid, idiotic, crazy, and you don't like it. I said it's yours, and that you should keep it, but that doesn't mean you can't throw it in the nearest bin you find. Go ahead, I won't stop you.'

I closed my eyes and slowly breathed in. _I'm sorry, Edward. I'm sorry to make you feel this way. _'Thank you,' I said, putting the ring back on. This beautiful green wasn't going anywhere near a dumpster, unless I was going along. _Maybe I should tell him that?_

No, too cheesy. I had just grown very fond of my very own ring in less then a few seconds.

Again, he had been quiet for a moment. But the he did reply. 'Anytime.'

_E.C._

I smiled to myself as I found out a little secret of Edward's.

* * *

**A/N: **See, I can write chapters that do not end in a cliffie! I was planning on just one update, right before I turned eighteen, but now there will be two. Next review, probably 6 march (my birthday ;) ) so that you'll all say happy birthday to me :D

21:56 PM : Just before I decided to update this, I added those last to sentences! I'm sorry if it is now in fact a cliffie. But not so much ;) If Bella can find out the secret, so can you.

So, are we liking this or what? I like reviews =D.


	34. Chapter 34

**a/N: **Ain't I a horrible deadline keeper? Sorry for the onces that live in a country where it's currently already 7 march. I apologize.

For the onces that live somewhere in America, it's probably still 6 March, aka my 18th birthday, yay me! I had fun today, tomorrow (7 march, which for me is today, after I post this and go to sleep) I'm going on a cruise to celebrate my birthday with my friends and we'll go to Newcastle in England! I'm a little seesick... oops. Well, I'll be back Wednesday, reading all your lovely reviews =D

* * *

**New York**

'Twenty-five hours.'

'Arrhh, no, god _damn_ it,' I groaned, twisting in the backseat. Currently I had my legs lying on the seats next to me and was half-lying in a weird position, which was changing rapidly now. The guy in front of me was only chuckling and watching me ever few seconds.

But I did not care how ridiculous I looked.

I did not care that I was annoying him.

'Shut up.'

See, there it was. I was annoying him.

_But I did not care._

'Screw you.'

'Be nice.'

'You be nice.'

'I _am _being nice.'

'Then why do I feel insulted?'

'Funny,' he replied.

I huffed.

'How long have we been driving?'

'Twenty-five hours and five minutes,' he said robotically with a hint of amusement in his voice.

'No, please, this is shitful. It's crap. Aren't you dying too?'

He chuckled. 'Fair point taken. I'll stop at the first hotel I see.'

'But...' I didn't want a hotel.

'What?'

'I don't want to go to a hotel,' I whined. I had enough of those places.

'Then were?' he asked, calmly.

'I want to be there already!'

'Well,' he started, looking around at the road, searching for something. 'We'll just have to make other arrangements then.'

'What are-'

'Shut up,' he cut me off.

I looked at the mirror and saw his eyes. I gave him my most nastiest glare and his eyes were beyond humour now, as he winked.

I winked back.

_Woops._

_Major mistake._

I was breathing in the most controlest way ever and Edward broke the silence anyway.

'You think I'm a pretty boy, huh?' he started jokily. 'I've figured out your secret, no?'

'No.' In fact, I had figured out a secret of his.

_I've got you're secret, I've got you're secret. Nenenene ne ne._

'As for your other question,' he said with a laugh. 'I'm going to drug you up.'

Saying that exact sentence while laughing, was the creepiest thing he'd ever said or done.

I caught his eyes again through the mirror and all the mischief that was hidden in those eyes, made me wonder if they made the green better or worse.

'And then leave you completely at my will,' he said as I saw his lips move slowly with each word.

Huh, strange. I wasn't even scared. Maybe some part of me knew he was joking, but I couldn't help but ask...

'Like what will you do, shove some pills down my throat?' I asked nonchalantly.

'Yeah, I think three.'

He's still joking. 'Three?'

'Yes, that should be enough to knock you out.'

I scratched my head, actually feeling a little nervous. He pulled the car by a gasoline station and turned his body towards me.

'Trust me?' he asked.

I did not look at him.

But I did see how he shook his head softly. 'Sleeping pills,' he said. 'You sleep, I drive.' He opened the car door and walked to the entrance.

Ah, now I understood completely. 'I do trust you,' I whispered into nothingness. 'I wouldn't be here if I didn't.'

_Was I not already completely at his will?_

I was here, with him, and he made the decisions. He made each move and he... had me, in a way. Didn't he see it that way?

I pushed myself up from my lazy position and watched each step he took, watched him through the window while he was inside. His head and shoulders were visible, as he was searching at first, and then went to the cashier.

He was walking back and I just had to watch each step. I felt more energy in my body.

Before he got in the car, he put the things he had bought on his car to smoke.

I didn't wait, but pulled my lazy ass out of the car, just as he blew out smoke. He was quick at taking his next drag, while staring at me intently. He looked mysterious while doing so.

_I've still found out a secret of yours. _I tried telling him with my eyes, but I must have looked ridiculous, so I stared into nothingness. The smoke... didn't bother me as much as before. I wondered why.

Slowly, he turned his back to the car to lean against it, and motioned for me to move closer, closer to him. I was scowling and letting my mouth hang open slightly, as he kept motioning.

I took the last four steps and stood beside him. I saw his arm in slow motion go behind my head and rest on my shoulder, his hand slightly squeezing the side of it.

Tentatively I looked up and he smiled down at me.

_E.C. _It just popped in my head and I decided now was the best time to just ask.

'You know, on the ring,' I began, thinking how to say it best. I didn't want to offend him and then him leaving me here in I don't know what part of America.

'Hmm?' he asked, with the cigarette against his lips, while staring a thousand yards away.

I glared at the sight. It seemed like he was not even listening while I was trying so hard to make the next question come out nice.

'I was wondering why you took _that_ last name,' I said. If he was blunt, so was I.

E.C. It meant something. It had to.

He actually looked confused when he had his head back turned to me.

'You mean Cullen?' he asked slowly.

'Yes. I couldn't help but wonder.' I looked up at his face, but he had again turned it away from mine. 'You angry?' I blurted out. It didn't sound like a question but neither as a statement.

What would he make out of it?

_Question? Statement? Que- _He turned his head to me, face blank, eyes carried a little... mischief. _He's playing, he's only kidding, that's all._

Still, I had frozen as he turned his body to stand in front of me, crossing his arms and looking down at me.

'Do I look angry?' he asked.

'You don't look anything, actually,' I blurted out, the first thing that came in my mind. Except like he's up to something, but that could be my eyes, playing tricks.

God, he remained completely the same, no muscle had moved, not a twitch on the lip, _what is he thinking?_

Then, his eyes narrowed in only the slightest bit and his lips pursed a little. _He's amused._

Just like that, he had smoothly side stepped my question. I narrowed my eyes at him and he watched me while doing so.

'Edward _Cullen_,' I said, putting enough emphasis on his last name.

At last, he shrugged. 'It's my last name.'

He ran his hand through his hair. He's a little bit uncomfortable and my mouth dropped at the realization. He quirked an eyebrow at my expression and I broadly smiled at him. His perfect skill of maintaining a robot slipped as he just had done that.

_Simply by running his hand through that messy hair._

'And why are you suddenly bright and shiny?' he asked.

Oh, I wanted to do my happy dance! Because he was also a little uncertain, because he didn't know _why _I was looking the way I did; happy!

'You're uncomfortable,' is all I said, while he held a staring competition.

He looked rather impressed.

'Pretty good huh, considering it's you I detected an emotion from?' I asked and that only made him raise his eyebrows even farther. _Robot._

But then he scowled. 'Is that it, Bella?' he asked, completely bewildered. 'You don't know what I'm thinking?'

How and why did this backfire on me after one single second? I had finally won, and he just couldn't wait to make himself back the winner.

'Hey,' he murmured, stepping closer when he noticed my discomfort. 'Is that true? You really don't know?'

I dropped my head uncomfortably and he put just one hand on my shoulder. It was his way of forcing my head up again. 'You're always hiding it on purpose.' I shrugged. 'How am I supposed to know?'

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'Bella?' My eyes went to the green ones, and my mind was screaming green over and over. 'I don't think... I might not be good enough-' he briefly stopped, while biting his lip. _That is my habit, not his. _'-for this. With you it's easy. I can easily see if you're happy or not. Most of the time, you aren't. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to change that.'

'Edward, shut-'

He put his finger on my lips, pressing until my words faded away. 'It took me _everything _I had to not pull my finger out of your throat and apologize nine hundred and thirty three times and I was praying you'd fall unconscious when I started cutting in your flesh, when I started hurting you, and cutting you open until the blood was dripping out of you. I wanted to stop, every second that passed, every breath I took, and every breath you took twice as fast... It took me so much effort.'

Livid against big were staring at each other.

Hurt against shocked.

Watery against uncertain.

Only it weren't mine that were livid, hurt and watery. Those were his.

'And then the fear,' he continued, letting his head drop so he was looking at the ground. 'Do you,' he raised his head again, 'have any idea how afraid I am all the time? These feelings,' he slowly said with a deep scowl, very confused about himself, 'I don't know how to make them go. They don't go. They are there constantly.' His eyes were so far away. What feelings was he talking about? 'Like, I feared that you'd never want to look me in the eye again after what I did. If you would have hated me after that, I couldn't live with myself anymore. I'd want to go back in time and change that what I did, but, I knew I couldn't when I started it, so... I had to do it, I had to continue, hard and fast, and also very painfully for you.'

I drew in a breath as I watched him in pain, just by the sight. He looked like he was in pain himself.

_As if I was cutting him, until he bled._

_'Could you even understand that I could be afraid too, so very much?' he whispered with closed eyes._

'Edward, I'm sorry,' I said, hoping he'd believe me. _So terribly sorry._

His eyes softened as his fingers lightly ran over my collarbone. 'I don't blame you.'

I took a deep breath, preparing myself to say something, anything for that matter.

He already cut me off. 'You wanted feelings. There you have them. I have still plenty, would you like if I shared them all now, or could the rest wait?'

The only thing I could pretty much do right now, was to stare at him, while he waited for a response.

'You okay?' he asked in a whisper. 'You look a little... white.'

And I was a little light headed as well.

'Bella?' he asked, and the way he said my name was not the way I liked. He was about to say something bad, like, _I'm not in the mood for this anymore, _or, _I'm buying you a ticket to Forks, go screw yourself, _or maybe- 'You must eat.'

His hands were at my shoulders and they slowly tightened. I looked down at them in confusion, but realised I was trying to get a away from him and he was stopping me. _I don't want to eat._

'But first,' he said quickly, 'take these.' He picked up one packet from the top of his car and pulled out three pills and he pressed one against my lips until it was in my mouth. He gave me a bottle of water as well, and I took all three of them. 'By the time you feel guilty about eating, you'll probably be asleep already.'

Again, his hands were on my shoulders, gripping tightly. _Oh. _My body had tried again to flee him.

'There's still a lot you're body can't handle yet, but if you drink this, I might give you a kiss.' I didn't stare at what he was holding, but at him. My stare said _What makes you think that's what I want? _

He chuckled and stood a little closer and then bended a little, that caused my heart to flutter and my breath to hitch. My eyes couldn't leave his lips, until they moved up to his eyes to say something. 'You bitch think that you can make her fall for all your lies, but you can't fool her body reactions.' Again he chuckled a little and it was him staring at my lips now.

'W-What?' I stuttered and his eyes snapped to mine.

'You're not a bitch, that voice inside of you is. Unless she tells you that you should kiss me, then I definitely love her.' I opened my mouth, ready to tell him to shut up, but he interrupted with his clever, 'And you.' He looked like such a child, suddenly.

'Edward,-'

'Could you just drink this?' he asked.

'Edward,-'

'It's not much.'

'Edward,-'

'And you should drink now, because-'

'Edward,-'

'-you're eyelids are drooping and if you fall asleep now, then I can't force it down your throat.'

'Ed_ward_,' I complained, making the a very long until he crossed his arms.

'You just said my name like, five times. I can think of another place where you'll be saying my name repeatedly.'

'Edward,' I snapped this time.

'But not like that, I don't know, maybe more like a moan that will end in a scr-' I yanked the small bottle out of his hand and quickly pulled off the cap and drank the contents with huge gulps. I faintly tasted strawberries, oranges and bananas, but I was drinking too fast for my mind to register the different flavours. I knew he was talking sex, but I only could understand half of it.

My eyes had been tightly shut and my blush was still there, from embarrassment and discomfort.

'Slow down,' he mumbled from next to me. His warm hand came over mine and the bottle, and he pushed it down until it wasn't touching my lips anymore.

I pushed the bottle back up, but he kept his hand down.

'Enough.'

I was stumbling a little, not able to stand straight anymore, and his arms came around my waist, while pulling the bottle out of my hand. I put my arms up, on his shoulders, and he pushed me a little closer. I heard him move closer to the door and pushing me along, while he opened the car door and bended us both down and sat with me in the back of the car.

He had not really made me eat. Only drink that fruity drink, and not even all of it. I didn't understand him anymore. Didn't he want me fat, like the rest?

My eyes had closed again and he put his hands on mine, which were still on his shoulder and pried them loose.

I made a sound of complaint when he put my now empty hands on my lap. I pushed my head closer to him, but his body was leaving, slowly going, until my head felt on the seat, and there was nothing.

'Edward,' I said in a voice I hoped was loud enough for him to hear. But he didn't hear me. 'Don't go.'

The seat where my head lay on, moved and his hand ran through my hair, pushing it out of my face. 'I'm here.' I crawled a little closer to where his voice was coming from, my hand finding his leg.

'Don't go,' I mumbled again. He was so warm. I felt his hand push me up in a sitting position and I groaned at the forced position he put me in. Something warm was put around me and his hand came on my back and the other under my knees. He lifted me up and again I was in Edward's arm. I was wearing his jacket, because I could smell whatever he put on more clearly now. I put my left arm around his back, close to his neck and my other arm came around his chest.

He sighed deeply. 'How am I supposed to drive now?' he asked. His voice sounded far away but I was still conscious enough and knew about the three pills. Those were making me so sleepy, and perhaps, so clingy.

_He's just so warm._

I remember sitting on him, because I felt his arms brush around me. His left arm against my knees, his right arm behind my back. My head was pressed against his chest and I knew that his face was close to mine. But I also heard the car start, the sound that definitely belonged to his car. I don't know how he did that, but he must have been truly a God.

###

I woke up with a gasp, my head snapping up. The quiet, almost not moving vehicle took a slight turn to the right and then left. Oh, shit, I did that, but Edward had regained control quickly.

'Be careful, love. It would be a shame if we'd die now.'

'Edward,' I said, quickly looking around. He was driving the car and I was still on him. Not to mention, he called me love. I did not dare to look at the speed he was driving at.

My eyes, however, moved, and I noticed he was a few miles away from 110.

'Oh, God, God, _God_,' I mumbled, closing my eyes tightly and pressing my fingers in Edward's skin.

Edward chuckled lightly. 'You were talking about God too a lot in your dreams.'

My face heated, but not as much as usually, because I was stiff with nerves. It wasn't me who was going to get us killed, it was him. I remembered clearly my last thoughts before I slept. God was my metaphor for Edward.

I hoped dearly I didn't mention that in my dreams.

'I'm driving too fast?' he asked in a statement.

I nodded. I thought it was obvious.

'I've never been in an accident,' he said. He didn't want to drive slower, I could hear it in his voice and see it on the speed meter that was still inching closer to the 110.

'I'd like to keep it that way,' I said.

His lips brushed against my hair. 'It will.'

'I highly doubt that,' I said when he was officially driving 110.

'You wanna bet?' he asked, but did slow down by only 5 miles. 'Better?'

'In your world,' I mumbled.

Another 5 miles went off.

_Still in your world. _I couldn't help but wonder if this could make the police take his license away, for... forever.

'Bella, you're hurting me,' he complained, taking a hand of the steering wheel and take my hand away from his back. He held it until I pushed his hand towards the wheel. He had to hold it with both of his hands.

Then 10 miles came right back, just like that. Did he even realise it? His miles were kind of like my pounds, back so soon, in an instant.

'If the police would see you now...' I said, putting my hand on my knee.

'Wouldn't that be a moment of fun?' he asked joyfully.

I sighed. 'Could you at least try 100? That would be at least criminal. This,' I glanced at the 110, 'is just not human.'

He huffed. 'What are you implying, darling? I'm human, and so are you.'

_You're a God. Perhaps a Greek one._

I was dozing off, until I slept some more. The second time I woke, it was like an alarm clock that woke me up because it was time, and Edward was now in town, driving 70.

_Much, much better._

'How long?' I asked.

'Thirty seven hours,' he said.

I scowled, looking around. My back was killing me, but where were we?

'We're almost there,' he whispered close in my ear.

He was joking, but his face looked truthful. 'So soon?'

He nodded and took a turn, coming on one single road, surrounded with trees and behind that, more trees. It reminded me of a picture I had seen of Scotland once, the road had been so small and around the road all you could see was green stuff.

He drove for another five minutes, until he stopped and leaned back, his hand coming on my arm.

I pushed my head up and noticed many big houses standing close to each other. I cleared my throat at the sight.

'Which one is yours?' I asked, turning my head towards him. He had been staring at me intently, but changed his demeanour, looking at the mansions as well.

'That one,' he said, pointing in the middle. I squinted my eyes, trying to see where the house ended and where it began. I was actually now looking at all of them. It seemed like they were stuck on each other, but I had no intellect about houses. How big was his house?

I turned back to him and he noticed my confusion. He rolled his eyes.

'No comment, okay?' he carefully asked as he pointed again, more to the left now. 'That one too, and that one,' he finger pointed somewhere in between the houses, 'That one,' his finger pointed towards the right, 'and this,' he ended, making a circle, which I didn't understand, but I did understand the weird house now.

It was one house. One huge house that could not be called a house.

'That all is yours?' I shrieked, jumping up, trying to look more closely.

'Ever since 20 June 2009,' he said. His finger pushed slightly against my chin, and my mouth closed.

'It's so big,' I said nervously. Why would he bring me here? It seemed like it was rather hidden and that not many people knew about its existence.

'You have no idea,' he said with a roll of the eyes. 'You'd probably get lost in there.'

'I can't go there,' I whispered. Maybe he was a prince. And I was just a lass. I couldn't be a princess.

Tanya popped in my head. So did that other girl. I still had no name. And maybe Jessica.

But not me.

'We can do other stuff before we go,' he said, misunderstanding me. I had meant that I couldn't ever go in there. Ever. It would feel so wrong to go there. He opened the door and stepped out while he stared down at me. 'Think you can manage to walk?'

'Yes,' I said curtly. He let go off me and I looked once again at the house. But I was still warm in Edward's jacket. He came to stand behind me and pressed something against my lips.

I smelled the fruity mixture and he slowly lifted it until I had to drink the contents. He was much slower then I had been, and I tasted the flavours much better now. It tasted so sweet, and after a few sips, he brought it away from me and drank it himself and put it on top of the car.

'Come,' he said, lightening a cigarette and taking my hand as he walked towards the left side of the house.

I saw a black stallion and my eyes widened. It was just walking there, with no fences and if he wanted to, he could come right here and crush me under those thick paws.

'You don't want to know her name,' he said, staring at the horse too as we were walking between the horse and house now. The place itself was so big too.

'Her?' I asked.

'Annie.' He rolled his eyes. 'She already had that name when we bought her. It's ridiculous.'

'We?'

'She's twenty now, we bought her as a pony. The old thing.'

His mouth was moving fast, as if he had to say it all now, or he'd never say it. 'Won't she kill us? Run away?'

'That fucker? She hasn't left these grounds since we brought her here.'

'Hmm,' I said, and I was walking a bit slower then him.

He took a tall drag of his cigarette as a man in front of us said, 'No! Is it? Edward!'

Edward actually dropped his cigarette, _was it in shock?_ and the man approached him.

'I heard you were here, and when I came, you're not here anymore! Where did you go?'

He scratched his head, not looking very comfortable. That was new. 'I had to get my girlfriend,' he said, pointing at me.

My eyes widened. He was making excuses, and I knew it. He wasn't even looking at me, so I could give him my nasty glare.

'Ah!' the man said, walking towards me and pulling me in a hug. 'What is your name?'

'Bella,' I mumbled.

'Bella!' he said, turning to Edward. 'I've been visiting you're parents just now! Edward, it seems like only a week ago. I just can't believe it.'

Edward stood there, staring rather stupidly. 'Where?'

'There, a few miles down the road, couldn't miss it, even if you wanted to,' he said. 'Edward.' The man shook his head. 'You've grown, boy.'

Had they been talking about his parents just now? Weren't they dead?

Edward looked at me, still rather uncomfortably. What was I missing?

'Yeah, that happens,' Edward said with sarcasm. 'We're heading that way,' he said to the man and I quickly followed him when he started walking towards the place the man had just pointed. 'Bye,' he called to the man. I smiled at him and quickly went after Edward.

'Who's that?' I asked.

'Friend of my parents,' he said.

'Aren't they dead?' I asked.

He turned his head to me with a scowl. 'Yes,' he slowly said.

_Then where the hell were we going now?_

We walked and walked and he kept his head down. It felt wrong, or something definitely did. I looked frantically around, trying to figure out what way we had come from. It all looked so much the same but the house was barely in vision. It gave me some comfort.

Or none at all.

But that's when I saw it, the thing that had me confused and realization dawned upon me. I glanced at Edward and he hadn't noticed it yet. He had had his head down the entire time.

However, when we stood right in front of the two graves, he looked up and instantly turned around, one of his knuckles between his teeth.

I gasped, because I knew for sure that this was the first time that he saw those two graves. He hadn't even been to the funeral or visited them before.

This was his first time.

I scowled as I turned my head back to the details of the grave. The first was a big stone, maybe three feet tall, round on the edges, and engraved in the stone were a few simple and powerful words.

_Elizabeth Masen  
Beloved Daughter  
Wife & Mother__  
Dec __2 1965_  
May_ 5 1996_

And next to that, a stone that was even taller.

_Edward Masen Senior  
Beloved Son  
Husband & Father  
Jul 8 1960  
May 5 1996_

I walked towards Edward, who was standing too still and was too quiet.

The moment my fingers brushed his arm, he completely broke down.

Nothing was hidden anymore.

This was Edward Cullen in his purest form.

* * *

**A/N **I found this poem after I was done with this chapter, and I'd like to share it with you guys, because some bits are just so very true, also for this story.

###

Life in Its Purest Form

Life, in its purest form, is a gift you can't control,  
the Universe blesses you when it's time to unfold.  
You may wonder or complain for the injustice of it all,  
be patient and relax, for Spirit has heard your call.

There are many, many reasons why plans may go askew,  
and often you may ask yourself, "What can I do?"  
With disappointment and sadness both pressing down,  
they bring tears of unhappiness spilling all around.

This sorrow is just a sign for healing that must come  
from deep within; the place your soul waits from.  
So fill the void that filters through your heart,  
know and love you, for this is where it starts.

Life, in its purest form, will bless you when it's time,  
when the energy of your light is strong enough to shine.  
To radiate uncluttered by the ego of your mind,  
and materialistic desire is left far behind.

A balance among the body, the mind and the soul,  
must be a priority; the focus of your goal.  
Before higher awareness opens for you to see,  
that it's your responsibility to manifest spiritual needs.

To believe in a higher power with faith and trust,  
then believe in who you are; a request that is a must.  
Your light then must shine so brilliantly bright,  
because life, in its purest form, looks for this sight.

Then like a shooting star it will travel down,  
seeking out your light as it spirals around.  
For if your intention and heart remain true,  
life, in its purest form, will soon discover you.

###


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N:** It got about time I updated! This chapter was difficult to write, I changed it a million times.

So much for my happy ending is a song by Avril Lavigne.

* * *

**So much for my happy ending**

His body was trembling and had lost all its energy and happiness. It was so strange to see that happen. I had never thought it to be possible to see him crashing down. Nothing about this was a fake. Everything I was seeing right now could not have been more real.

This was a hurt Edward. I could see it the way he was moving at the place he was standing. I could hear him breath too quickly and he dropped himself on the ground, putting his head on the ground, his head facing the graves. He was now lying flat on the ground on his stomach and I bit my lip while he layed there. I had never really had to comfort anyone, only now I didn't know if I even should try and comfort him. Would he mind? And if he did, push me away?

But then I thought that it didn't matter. Whenever I cried, he came. He never asked me and I didn't even think he gave it a second thought, like I was doing now. He just walked towards me and comforted me, always in a different way, but the way that I needed at the moment. He always knew how to.

I slowly started taking off the jacket. He was surely tired and probably cold, and sadly both because of me.

This time it was my turn to take care of him and I took the few steps towards him and I sank through my knees as well. I sat behind him and put the jacket over his shoulders. I left one hand there, on his shoulder and slowly moved it up and down, making tiny circles. If it gave him any comfort, I didn't know, and I did not dare to move a lot.

He was so very quiet and after I had stared at his hair for probably five minutes, I brought my other hand to his hair and slowly ran my fingers through it. His hair was so soft. I remembered how I kind of liked that feeling, how it felt relaxing and comforting, when he did that to me. Now I returned the favour.

Still, he remained so very still and I pushed myself around him until I blocked his way to the graves. If he couldn't handle it now, why torture himself by forcing himself to look at the graves. I had imagined him to get upset or be angry, but the way his eyes looked, made me wonder if it was coincidentally that his eyes were facing the graves, because by the looks of them, it seemed like he was just staring into space.

'Edward?' I asked, pushing my face closer to his. He looked dead, not moving, the sound of his breathing gone, his chest not rising anymore and his eyes in that awful position. In my scared haze, my hand quickly reached his artery at his neck and I felt the skin move there.

Instantly I felt relieved and felt how my heart started to beat frantically because for a moment I had thought he was dead, which was actually so silly. His heartbeat was however very fast. Something that was also, I guessed, very unlike Edward.

'It's okay,' I slowly said, touching his cheek. It only felt a little damp, but there was definitely some dampness. It gave me enough information.

It hurt me, strangely enough, to see him in this position. Maybe he was right about my feelings. Maybe I did care about him. Maybe my body never let me feel those feelings, because he was always the better one. The smarter, more handsome and more responsible one. I was just plain Bella and he was Edward Antony Masen Cullen. Just his name said it all. His name was worth more then I was.

And for some other strange reason, I respected him as well. He was always so strong and honest and I had seen him in his moments of kindness. Those moments had been nothing but perfect. The way he brought me comfort and gave me his apologies were something I had never ever witnessed.

'I'm not going anywhere,' I whispered. Because that's what I had thought when he had been with me. I had thought he would leave me, so I told him the opposite, in case his mind worked the same as mine.

'Come, Edward,' I said. I took his hand in both of mine and pulled.

'What do you want?' he asked, his lips moving slow, his voice slightly husky.

_He lives. _And not so friendly anymore.

'Get up, come on,' I mumbled. I tried to keep myself though. He was in pain, of course, and his dead parents were in front of him with those huge, scary graves. Whatever he would throw at me, I would handle it! I would handle it like an adult, because whatever he would say or do to me right now, was because he was hurt.

Just like all those aggressive dogs that people put down because they might bite a person. What they don't understand, though, is that those dogs have a reason to be aggressive. They're afraid, which leads them to uncertainty and then eventually aggression.

Fear. That's where it al starts.

Everything that might or might not happen today wouldn't be what it seemed. So if Edward wanted to be unfriendly and edgy, I'd handle it.

_I'll handle it all. Everything._

Edward turned his body a little and then his other hand grabbed my lower arm and he yanked me down, which caused me to fall right on his chest. He rolled us both down and he had me staring up at him, while he lay on top of me.

My hand were covered by his and were resting next to my head. I stared, wide eyed.

_Except that._

'Let's just...' he trailed off, looking longingly in my eyes, 'have fun,' he finished while broadly smiling. It hadn't gone unnoticed by me that he had slurred out a word or two. He really must have been tired. But also, my guts told me that something was not quite right.

'We will. We'll both get some sleep.' I looked at him in hope, ignoring the position I was in, the limited space I had, not to mention my hands that were currently moulded in his.

His head came all the way down. For a second I stopped breathing and his lips touched my lips feather lightly as he said, 'That wasn't the kind of fun I was talking about.'

'Edward-' I started to say while moving with my legs and body. Something inside of me told me he was making small innuendos, very inappropriate innuendos. And it felt very wrong with his real parents at our side.

'What are you struggling for, I told you I'd make you feel good,' he said and in a flash he pulled himself up and pulled me along. 'Let's go,' was all that he said as we took off, the way we had came.

I strangely looked at him but he was staring straight in front of him, at the house that was getting visible.

What was he talking about? I was so confused. Why was he acting this differently all of a sudden? One moment he was completely broken, and the next, nothing of that moment was to be seen. Was he hiding again? Embarrassed? Could Edward Cullen be embarrassed?

We made it to a door and walked up the five steps until he stared at the door and abruptly turned, staring up. I took a step back by his sudden movement.

'Fuck, I forgot the keys,' he said, thinking for a second.

'Are they in the car?' I asked, trying to be nice. 'I'll get them.' I smiled while I started to walk back.

'No need,' he said and I turned my head to see him lift his foot and kicking the door. It flew open when it came in contact with Edward's foot. It was either a very old door or Edward was strong.

He stepped inside, pulling me along and didn't bother closing the door, no, he lead me to another room which had a huge bed in it and when I was standing there, I turned to stand in front of him.

I scowled, while trying to process what I was about to say.

'I'm not quite sure what's going in your head right now, but you're tired and hurt and you really need-'

_Rest. _I wanted to say rest, but his hands had given my thighs a hard pull which made me fall backwards on the bed fast and he crawled upon me, while saying, 'A good fuck,' as if to end my sentence. 'Be that, will you?'

His mouth was on my lips. His hands were going from my sides to my breast. His legs were in between mine.

'Stop,' I said, shaking my head to get rid of his lips. 'Edward, what are you doing? Stop!'

'That's not what you sad last time,' he said, putting his hands on the hem of my sweater and pulling it up. I pushed myself harder on the bed, to make it harder for him to take off the sweater, but he just gave a harder yank on the clothing until he only had to pull it off of my head and throw it on the ground.

'Stop!' I said again loudly in his face and he just looked lazily, with pupils too wide and eyes too tired, but then again, they looked like they were forced to stay open.

My head turned a little red when I was lying there in only a bra and my pants. I could feel the familiar heat in my face and neck.

'Come. On. Baby.' I scowled. What was it with him? 'I know what you like. And I know you want me.'

'No, I don't,' I said, clearly. I didn't know _what _was up with him, but this was not Edward. It couldn't be.

'You haven't got me foolin', Katrina. I've told you before and if you want to hear again, I'll say it again.' He pushed himself down, and whispered in my ear, 'You're the best lay I've ever had, so let's skip that bull talking this time and-'

I had leaped forward with my head, while only staring at his neck like a freaking hungry vampire and I bit in his neck, my teeth sinking deep in his flesh. Edward screamed and pushed himself back. He stared at me wide eyed with a hand on his neck.

He looked at me like I was a stranger. I grabbed the sweater and quickly put it on, while the anger was boiling inside of me. All the while I tried to keep the tears in.

_Oh... Edward..._ I shook my head. When would it end?

'When d'your hair get brown? D'you just bite?'

I knew _why_ this wasn't Edward.

I understood now _why_ he was acting this way.

It all made sense and I hated it.

I just couldn't believe...

He had _actually _taken...

_He had..._

I bit my lip and tried not to scream out loud. This was influencing me too much, but it hurt. It just hurt. After trying to tell myself that there might be the smallest chance that I could care for him, he does this.

I glare into his eyes, while he seems to look very sleepy.

'Don't ever dare to take drugs again when I'm with you, you foul, loathsome monster!' I yelled and ran, yanking the door open that he had closed and ran again, finding a long staircase, so I ran upstairs to find a room and I opened the first door I saw and stepped in. It had a lock which I instantly used and turned to see a room that could have been a guest room. Nothing personal was here, thank god, so I just went to the bed, kicked off my shoes, threw myself on the bed and cried, loudly with gasps in between. It had never been this hard to breath for me. I pushed my head in the pillow so my screams weren't so loud.

After sobbing for an eternity, I didn't know what to do. I had no place to go. I didn't want to stay here, with a drug addict, but this bed was so comfortable, so I fell asleep on it for yet another eternity.

I woke with a start when I heard a shower running and things fall on the ground loudly. Quickly afterwards, the water stopped running, and Edward came out, with only jeans around his hips.

_Damn this boy,_ for he has a hot body. I was a little disorientated, due to his body. The effects of ones body could have on me was just ridiculous.

He couldn't,_ wouldn't_, dazzle me with his... _perfect body_, I sadly admitted to myself.

I glanced at the other door, which was still closed. How had he come inside the room? It was a lock with a key. Or did he use some spare key?

He walked over me, slowly, but then he put his hand on his head and seemed to be thinking hard. He had also stopped walking and I was watching him, waiting in anticipation.

'What did I do?' he eventually asked in a strained voice.

My mouth dropped, but I quickly closed it before he could see. The ass couldn't even remember!

'_What in gods name have you taken?_' I hoarsely hissed, and was surprised and horrored when I heard my own voice. It sounded like I was sick and my voice was gone.

But then I remembered. Before I felt asleep, I had barely breathed, the air only gushing though my throat, over and over again. At that time, it didn't hurt my throat, but now I felt the after effect.

Edward wore a sad smile. 'Seriously, Bella, I woke up on the floor and you're here and... it's twilight. When did it get twilight?' He looked rather confused out of the window. I turned my head to notice that it was getting darker.

'While you were recovering from the drugs you had taken, you... you were...' That's when I burst out in tears again and turned my body, leaving my back for his eyes.

_You dragged me in the house._

_You kicked in the door._

_You manhandled me in the bedroom._

_You crawled on top of me and touched me._

_You called me Katrina._

Even his fantasies didn't want me_._

_So why am I still here?_

I sensed he was getting closer, but luckily he didn't demand me to look or talk to him. He put a hand on my shoulder and I heard his voice, softly asking over my own tears, 'What did I do?'

His fingers were slowly running through my hair, close to my scalp.

'Drugs... Take... Go away,' I mumbled, my mind lost for the right words.

'No, no, Bella. That's not what I meant. What did I do that has caused you to be in this-'

'Mess?' I interrupted, yanking myself up from the bed and my head hit his, really hard, because apparently, he had been leaning over much closer then I had anticipated. 'Ouch!' I grabbed my head.

Edward squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, until his pain lessened and he opened his eyes, which were full of mirth.

_Of course that would humour him._

_I was only a joke._

So I hit him on the chest, trying to get some of that mirth out of his body. Then I hit again, with both of my fist, but after a few seconds, he hadn't even budged, so I leaped forwards and did what I had done earlier, and bit him. My teeth had found his shoulder and I swear I tasted blood.

'Shit, Bella!' he said, and I felt him wince as he pushed me back and I fell on my ass on the bed. I kicked once hard and my foot connected with the most sensitive part right between his legs.

_Jackpot._

He cursed and stood up, resembling Quasimodo and I jumped off the bed, ready to strike again. Only, his recovery had been much sooner then I had anticipated and he grabbed one of my arms and twisted it so that my back was facing him and I felt my arm reach a point where it got painful.

I whimpered once but instantly was angry again.

'Am I too much too handle? Why don't you just take another pill?' I asked sarcastically and I stiffened when his other hand was on my stomach and he pressed me a little back against him.

'Not at all,' he said, replying to my first question. 'Just wanted to tell you that I took them for you. Not because I couldn't handle you anymore.'

Them? _Them!_

'Are you talking about the drugs?' I asked in disbelief. He was blaming me? Me!

'I am, and it's because of you. You wanted me to drive on, you don't eat a damn thing so I can't eat a damn thing, so that's why I took the fucking pills so we could _get there already_.' He repeated the last words that I had said only a few hours ago in the car.

'N-No, do-don't backtrai-ail this on m-me,' I stammered. I felt weak again. But he was right. If I had allowed him to eat, if I only had given him a moment so he could rest...

'_Only _if you tell me what I did,' he said.

I wanted to say the name, until my mind repeated his words from earlier and I had to stop. _When did your hair get brown, _was what he had asked.

So the girl must have been blond. Or the light brown colour I had memorized perfectly from staring at the picture.

_The photo._

The girl that I now could place with a name.

Her name was Katrina and he has just told me some great more details to add to the list of the girl he had kissed and... done more with.

'Bella, what did I do?' Edward asked. I smiled when I heard his voice had gone to annoyed.

'Let me go,' I said.

'As if.'

I struggled and instantly stopped while crying out in pain.

'I'd advice you not to move, it could break your arm,' he said robotically.

'I hate you! I hate you so much...'

'That it makes you sick, I know, I know, I'm disgusting, unworthy and scum. Now could you tell me what I did?'

'You had sex with me,' I blurted out sarcastically.

'N-no...' he stammered, his grip getting less tight. I didn't think I had ever heard him stammer and the sound was hilarious. I burst out in laughter and his grip tightened instantly. 'Screw you.'

'Fine, you tried to seduce me and get inside my pants,' I said, partly saying the truth.

No, wait... that was the truth, it was just not _all_ the truth.

Only Edward seemed to be thinking I was still lying.

'Come _on_, just tell me what I did now?'

'You don't believe me?' I asked in shock.

'No, of course not.'

'Well maybe,' I asked in rage, 'it's because I'm not pretty enough for you to seduce _me_ and the drugs took you over _completely_ to make you think that I was Katrina who dyed her freaking hair brown!' And in order to get away from his close proximity, I yanked hard on my arm again, feeling an awful, awful pain in my shoulder, arm and wrist, where he had held me. But I didn't care, because he didn't get to hold me this way.

I screamed in pain and waited until the worst was over.

'Bella!' Edward said, his hand on the worst part of my shoulder, but I got out of his grip and leaned over with my own hand covering my shoulder. 'Bella...' His fingers touched my head again.

'Don't come any nearer,' I hissed, tears already on my cheeks and stepping away from him until his feet weren't in my sight anymore..

'Bella, I'm sorry, sweeth-'

'Leave me alone,' I said in a choke sob, not hearing the rest anymore.

'No,' he firmly said, appearing in front of me. 'I'm staying.' His eyes softened when they met mine.

His hand was about to touch me, when I abruptly turned, bending down even more, because I was still in a lot of pain. It felt like all my muscles had twisted in a very wrong angle.

'Go away, Edward, please, go. Please leave me alone. I just...' _can't handle it anymore._

He stood quiet but I couldn't see his face anymore.

'Please, Edward, please go away, I just want to be left alone. Please leave me alone, please! How many times do I have to say please? Please go.'

'Bella,' he said, my head suddenly turned upwards by his hands. He leaned down completely to look at me. 'I can't do that,' he whispered.

'Just _go_,' I pleaded with eyes closed.

He didn't. 'I wish that I could explain, Bella, but it's difficult... When someone takes drugs... They change you. They change you into something you are not.'

I sobbed and his arms came around me, doing exactly the opposite thing of what I was asking from him.

'You see things that aren't there, crave for things you've done in the past, want unimaginable things.'

Like having sex with me. _Very _unimaginable. I sobbed again.

His grip tightened instantly when I started whimpering as well and he was avoiding the soar bit of my shoulder.

'I hurt you again,' he whispered in my hair.

'It's nothing I can't handle, besides, I _moved_,' I pointed out. I reached for my shoulder, trying to rub the skin there. He had warned me not to move, or else it would break my arm.

He pushed me back, deeply scowling, while my eyes seemed to be swimming today. I just couldn't get over all the facts... he was still doing drugs. He liked Katrina.

'Not that pain,' he said while shaking his head. 'The other pain. The one that's haunting you, even though you wouldn't admit to me.'

I dropped my head. 'You're imagining stuff,' I mumbled.

'Bella,' he said, lifting my head. 'Look at me.' He took my face in his hands when I kept my head down. When he had my face all the way up, my eyes were on his chest. 'Look,' he said, my eyes snapping up to his. 'I am going to fix this. Everything will be okay. Did you here me?'

'No,' I said, shaking my head, walking away from him, his hands slipping off of my face.

He walked back to me. 'It will be. Hold on to me. C'mone.'

'No,' I repeated, shaking my head.

His arms came around me, pushing me back tightly against his chest. My left cheek hit his bare chest.

'Not again,' I murmured. 'I'm not a cow, I'm not panicking, I'm not-'

'You're upset and I understand. Hit me some more, if you like.'

Instead, I asked him an awkward question. 'I don't understand why you picked me up if it is clearly Katrina you want,' I said in a sob.

His reply was instant. He barely though about it. 'I'm sorry to say that you are quite wrong. There's only one girl I want.'

My left hand suddenly felt like it was carrying a huge piece of dump. I put my arms around him, which must have confused him, maybe even made him happy. 'Oh, Edward,' I said in a fake voice. I yanked off the ring and dropped it. It made a very clear and loud sound once it hit the floor. 'I know exactly who you want. You just confirmed. And I know what you want.'

_Sex._

Edward turned and looked on the floor. His head stayed down for a second, staring at the ring. He turned his head and looked back down at me. Very slowly, he ran his fingers over my cheeks, brushing the last remnants of the tears as well.

'Stupid drug addict,' I said, my voice still hoarse. 'Don't touch me.'

His eyes widened, but in return, he put a hand lower on my back, pressing me more tightly against him. He brought his head very close to mine.

'Stupid anorexic.' And with that, he smirked.

My mouth dropped and I then glared at him.

'Sex addict,' I threw at him.

He raised one eyebrow, and he seemed to be slightly amused.

'Bulimic.'

I was quiet for a moment. I had no other comeback. Only, when I did figure out one, it was too late for me to take it back before I thought it really through.

'Orphan.'

_Too late._

'Oh, God, Edward, I'm sor-' I started to apologize in shock, because even I knew that was just low, when he interrupted me.

'Suicidal bitch.'

He smirked at me again when my mouth was still half open, just seconds ago trying to say the last word; sorry.

'What did you just say to me?' I asked slowly.

He inched even closer, his lips brushing against mine, just like before.

'Suicidal bitch,' he repeated, saying each syllable agonizingly slow.

'Player,' I said, still hurt though by his comment. Guess I deserved that one.

'Tramp.'

My mouth dropped again. 'That is so low.'

'I know.' He was now smiling.

'Self conceited ass.'

'Thank you.'

'It's not my fault I'm not stinking rich.'

'I know.'

'And I can't help it that I have no where to go.'

'I'm letting you stay here, tramp,' he said, grinning. 'My house, your house.' He made it sound so easy. As if he really meant that.

I rolled my eyes. And lifted my knee.

'Mother fu...' he trailed off and walked slowly, trying to ease the pain.

Well, I guess it must have hurt, the moment I decided that kneeing him in the groin would be the best way to get some revenge.

'Damn, damn, damn _you _Bella Swan.'

'Hey, if you're getting sick of me, just tell me. Please, don't feel obligated to have me here. Just say the words and I'm gone. So easily you could get rid of me. And then give _Katrina _a call, while you're at it!'

I turned.

'Jerk,' I added.

His hand grabbed my waist.

'Don't touch my fat.'

I noticed how his eyes rolled.

'Stop touching me.'

'My dearest Annie, you don't have fat.' He gave the side of my waist a squeeze. 'What's a guy supposed to grab when there's nothing _to _grab?' he whispered with an obvious smirk playing on his lips.

My eyes widened.

'You seem to know what I'm talking about... did you do some other researches as well while I was knocked out?'

I was about to slap his face, but he had caught my wrist in his hand.

'If it had been anyone else but you who kicked me there twice, tramp, I wouldn't have forgiven her,' he said menacingly. I felt embarrassed, because he told me that what I just did, had gone too far. 'Tell me something else, tramp, did I fuck up?'

I remained still in front of him, and turned. His arms came around me and held me, with his chin resting on my shoulder.

'Did I fuck everything up with what I did? Yanking off your clothes, touching you, kissing you, calling you the name of a whore, did I fuck all my chances up?'

My eyes closed briefly and I sighed through my nose. He had remembered _everything_. And I was pissed. 'How much did you pay her?'

'Not a whore literally,' he said. 'The way she acted and let me do things to her. She actually let me-'

I closed my eyes tightly and felt my shoulders shake in disgust, while trying to get the image out of my head. He had stopped talking while I did so.

'I shouldn't have said that...' he slowly said.

'You think?' I asked through gritted teeth.

'Sorry,' he said. He wasn't really sorry. He was fake sorry.

'And what about how you remember _everything _you did?' I snapped, looking up at him.

'You're not the kind of person who would go kinky. Seeing a teeth mark on my neck pretty much explained it all. And you were talking in your sleep, saying something that resembled _I loathe you, I hope you die._ Among other things.'

I did not say that. _I did not say that._

'So you lied,' I said. 'You asked me what I did, but you already knew. You lied to me.'

'I lied.'

'And you took drugs. What kind? Oh, you took drugs.' I grabbed my head, as every piece of information started to crash me. How much was I supposed to handle?

'I took drugs.'

'And you had sex with Katrina.' Which was even worse? This or the drugs? Or the lying? I bit my lip and his arms tightened around my shoulders and chest.

'Yes,' he said.

That crash resembled a meteorite. I might have fallen down if he hadn't been holding me so tightly. Maybe that's why he did that. He probably knew I'd fall down any time soon.

My eyes watered. 'And Tanya. And Jessica. Did I forget someone?'

The last bit had only been sarcasm, but he actually took it seriously.

'Yeah, you forgot Sasha,' _bullet in my stomach_, 'You forgot Carmen,' _bullet in head_, 'Ah, yes.' I looked sideways and caught how his eyes twinkled. 'I had almost forgotten about Irina. Then again, so had you.' _Bullet in my heart._

He stared at me and I fought against the tears. The guts he had. Saying I forgot someone. I didn't even know those people!

'You had sex with four... I mean five gi-'

'Six,' he interrupted smoothly. 'Katrina,' _one finger up_, practically in my face, 'Tanya,' _two fingers up_, 'Sasha,' _three fingers up, _'Carmen,' _his pinkie went up too, _'Irina,' _thumb in the air._ With five fingers in the air, he scowled. 'I swear they were six...'

'Jessica!' I snapped. How could he forget Jessica?

He opened his mouth. 'Oh, yeah.' He lifted his index finger of his other hand, while saying, 'Jessica,' and then revealing six fingers. Each time he said a name, I had felt more pain flashes go straight to my heart and make the battle against the tears more difficult.

'Six...'

His hands left my vision and held me again tightly. I didn't know what I needed more. Being left alone or having him hold me tightly and somewhat from falling in pieces of the floor.

'Yes, tramp, that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.'

A tear slipped. 'You were lying, weren't you? When you pretended you had forgotten Jessica? You knew I remembered, and just wanted to hear me say it out loud.' I sniffled and brushed that tear away.

'Huh, I don't know what you're talking about,' he slowly said. 'Wait.' For a moment, I thought he was going to say that it was a joke. That there weren't six girls. Still a few, but not six. What he said, was even worse.

'Actually, I've had six and a half girls.'

My eyes widened and I realized I was leaning back against his chest. Keeping myself up was getting harder. What the hell is a half?

'I mean, you're somewhere in that picture too, right?'

He was counting me... as a half?

_A half?_

'I'm a half? How thoughtful!' I said loudly, with sarcasm. But all of the other thing he had just told me, hit me again like a bullet in my head. I was furious, upset and confused. My breathing got deeper and faster. I struggled once to get out of his grip, but there was no getting out of his iron tight grip.

'Why do you do this?'

I shoved once more.

'Why do you keep hurting me?'

Only he was solid hard.

'Why do you like hurting me like this?'

He didn't even move an inch.

'I can't be around you when you are like this! Why aren't you that nice guy? You used to be nice!'

His grip loosened completely and I almost fell down, but he turned around and stood in front of me, holding me by my waist. He scowled and I noticed how his lips slightly parted.

But I interrupted what he wanted to say. 'This is another plan? You know, between weird father number one and crazy father number two?'

His lips pulled up a little. I hadn't meant it as a joke, those two were crazy, but still he thought it was funny.

'You kept them updated again?' My hand flew to my mouth. That's the reason why he's smiling! He thinks I'm a tool for realizing it this late. 'Oh, God, you did. It is. It's a plan. It's fake. All a fake. But the pain... It's a dream. But still the pain...' I rambled on.

Something registered in my mind while Edward was standing very close to me.

'Why are you shaking your head? I'm right, right? I figured it out! Only a little bit too late. Great! That's me, you've got! Stupid, slow- wait, no...'

He was leaning closer to my face until there was nothing more then an inch left.

'All that was before I met you and realize how much I really love you. And Katrina was nothing to me. I only slept with her, because I tried everything to keep you off my mind. And I know it disgusts you when I say that I still was thinking about you the entire time, but it's still a fact.'

His head turned a little, until his lips were no longer near my lips but instead my cheek. He kissed my right cheek and then put his forehead against mine.

'No. I don't. Of course I don't like hurting you, Bella. And how could this be a trick if Carlisle doesn't even trust me? I told you about _them_ to see how you would react.'

I stared back into his intense green eyes. I could see several emotions in them, strangely. I never was able to see something in his eyes, but now I noticed pain, sorrow, humiliation and even despair.

'And I hate how you reacted. So much more intense and with so much more feelings then I would have though. When did it happen, Bella? When did you start and care for me?'

My breathing hitched. 'I can't... I won't... Not again... You...' He scowled deeply and closed his eyes.

'You can't allow yourself to trust me, you won't even try, not again. You don't know what to do next?'

He opened his eyes again and just stared. He had even vowed my thoughts better then I had thought them.

'Why did he come?' I whispered to myself. Why, if it was going to be like this? I noticed Edward's scowl, but then comprehension was on his face. Well, I had said _he _but I meant Edward.

He walked backward, taking my hands in his and bringing me to the bed. It brought back memories of earlier, and how he had treated me then and I found myself pulling, and at the same time bending through my knees, to pull with more of my weight. It made him look even taller and dominating. I felt intimidated by everything that was Edward Cullen. His face looked pained as he instantly pulled back until I was only an inch away from his chest.

'Forgive me,' he whispered, turning us both down and putting me on the bed.

He began talking, as if there had been no interval whatsoever. 'I came because it didn't feel like the right choice anymore for us to stay apart.' He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I stiffened. He ran his hand a few times over my shoulders, and then pulled me closer. 'I'm not going to hurt you.'

'You did.' I had already said it, before I could really think it through. My defence mechanism shut my eyes, and everything was black.

I heard him sigh deeply and his arm was gone.

'So I did,' he murmured.

'And you came,' I mumbled. 'Very much so in time.' That doctor could have sedated me and then I would have even been here.

Edward didn't say anything and I leaned back until my back hit the mattress.

'I don't think I'll ever be comfortable around you,' I whispered in honesty.

I felt the mattress move. He had layed down too.

'Well, not after what you just told me,' I said in a choked sob.

This was an easy way of talking to him. No yelling. No interruptions. No piercing green stares. It was painful, but easy.

'I keep thinking you'll say it wasn't real, and that you just made up those girls.'

It was pathetic and I knew.

'And then I think, of course he isn't lying. The only thing he could be lying about, is that there were actually more girls. Maybe I have fallen for your pretty face, but it's not like that even matters anymore. I can not be _them_. I can't handle drugs. And what I really can't handle...' I opened my eyes and stirred my head until I was looking up at him and his gaze got more intense, '...is you combined with drugs. You wanted to have...' I trailed off, not able to talk any further or say the word.

I mean, he had done everything possible in his life and I had thought that I could have handled it. Maybe if it was just for the next few months, I had thought I could have stayed strong and pull myself through it. I didn't have to stay here for that much longer, just until the day that I could indeed leave him, the day I turned eighteen and maybe, just maybe, even stay here for a while longer, together with him.

But now, I couldn't see that anymore. That side of that road was too far away and too blurry for me to see. Going back to the hospital, an eating clinic or even to Mom or Dad sounded so much more realistic than something that resembled a future with Edward.

I heard him breath out sharply and when I turned my head to him, he briefly closed his eyes. I was shocked by what I saw in them when he slowly opened his eyes. He had just found out about something curcial, it seemed. His eyes said more then words and they looked so sad and beyond the sorrow I had seen when he had been lying in front of the graves.

The thing that was bothering him now, must have been even worse that the death of his parents.

Or so it seemed to me.

I tried asking him with my eyes what he was thinking.

He dropped his eyes and it was as if he was embarrassed about something but also petrified.

I had never ever witnessed Edward in embarrassment or even in this kind of a fear.

'Edward, what is it?' I carefully asked.

It seemed like he was preparing himself for what he was about to say

'I fucked it up,' he said.


	36. Chapter 36

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

**A/N: **Another chapter after a long wait. To me it doesn't seem long, because I'm studying, working, and worrying all the time. It also just took me a while to write this chapter, because I wasn't sure if it was right, but then I realized, yes, it is. After a few chapters, it will make sense, sort of. So if you think I'm just repeating history, just because I haven't got any ideas, you're wrong. Everything that happened in this chapter, had to happen.

Sometimes I put update dates on my profile page, because I don't like putting a 'fake' chapter with only a small authors note and nothing else.

I loved all your reviews, people!

Have fun reading it.

* * *

**Distraction**

He was staring at the ceiling and I stared at his face.

"What kind did you take?"

He chuckled, while even looking cute.

"You're always so curious. So much that it's almost dangerous."

I wouldn't call myself curious, so why did he? It was a normal question to ask, because I didn't want him to get hurt.

It might push almighty, _rich_, beautiful Edward over the edge.

I squeezed my eyes shut, because my own thought were giving me a headache- and a red face.

"I just wouldn't want you to have taken something very bad because of me. Because I'd feel bad."

Carefully, he moved, because I felt the bed move under me and took my right hand, which was closest to him, and pressed it between his hands. I instantly felt that tingly feeling of when your cold hands are warming up.

"I'm not blaming you," he murmured.

"You said-"

"I know, but that was just a load of crap," he said, interrupting me. "I don't always tell the truth, you know? I would have thought you had that figured out by now."

"Wow, Edward... Jeez." He was such a difficult person. "I'm not the actor over here."

He sighed. And apparently, gave in. "I took something that makes you alert, not tired anymore and it makes you lose appetite. It has a few bad side effects, as you have noticed. In short, it messes you up completely."

I looked at him, but he was still staring at the ceiling.

"I'm not sure that I..."

"It's nickname is love drug," he further explained, "because it makes you crave for someone's touch." Now he looked at me. "_Anyone's _touch. To tell you the truth, it has been my favourite drug for quite a while."

"Okay," I said with a scowl, drawling the word out. To be honest, I felt a little hurt. Not only did he take a _love drug _but also was that the exact reason why he had craved my touch. I tried my best to ignore the pain. "And which is it now?"

He laughed out loud but quickly stopped. He turned around and rested his head on his hand, now holding my hand in only one hand.

"You said for quite a while," I mumbled, not looking at him anymore. "It must be something else now."

He was wearing a sly smile. "I did say that. But Bella, it's a miracle that you're still here instead of running down a hill, running away from me. How much more crap do you think you can handle? How could I be sure that if I told you that, you won't go running away right afterwards?"

"I'm tired," I said with a sigh.

He raised his eyebrows. "What's that got to do with taking crap?"

"I'm too tired to run," I explained. That wasn't even a lie. I made a mental note to search up the real name of this love drug.

He chuckled, while shaking his head.

"What?" I asked nervously.

He glanced up again, but didn't talk. So I did instead.

"You really shouldn't do drugs," I said, looking at his chest.

"Tell me something new," he said, and I saw his eyes roll.

"You're just so smart and drugs will ruin that all. You should know better. You do, I know you do. Right?"

His eyes softened and I dropped my eyes again.

"You of all people," I mumbled.

"They make me happy," he said with a light shrug. "Sometimes I want them, sometimes I need them."

"Really?" I murmured. Drugs make you happy? "Then give me a few."

His eyes widened slightly. I really hoped that he realized I was only joking. Drugs was the biggest no for me. It was against my rulebook. Against my ethics. Or whatever, I would never do drugs. Period.

"They make you feel like crap afterwards, Bella," he said.

"That's your favourite word of the day. Crap. Besides, I was just joking, but I can see it wasn't very funny."

He sighed, only this was a different sigh. This sigh told me he was relieved and that he had actually believed me for a split second.

_Seriously Edward._

"It's a very useful word," he said seriously. "You can use it in so many different contexts."

'Yeah, whatever," I said with a small smile. "Do you?"

He thought for a second. "Do I what?" he asked with a small frown.

I laughed a little, because he had been trying to figure out what I was talking about, only he didn't know.

"Feel like crap," I explained, looking up at him.

"Oh," he mumbled, understandment on his face. "Less then usual."

"How come?" I asked.

He glanced at me and I could see in his eyes that he again thought that I was being too curious.

I didn't mind, I stared back at him.

"All the other times I was alone when I came undone. Though I was glad, it wasn't a pretty sight." I looked at him, but I couldn't see anything wrong with him. "Now I'm not."

"But I'm not doing _anything_," I told him.

He shook his head, and I didn't know if he was agreeing or not, but he pushed up my sleeve and looked at the forgotten, but still soar wounds.

"You're wrong," he said. His eyes were on my arm, but I didn't dare to look. "A few stitches have opened. You need new ones." He tapped my chin. "Open."

I shook my head.

"Just one quick look."

I remained quiet and didn't look at him. It got uncomfortable after a few seconds and I turned my back to him. He was still holding my wrist though, so my arm was now behind me in an uncomfortable angle.

"Don't come crying back to me when your mouth is just getting more and more soar."

I gasped.

"You know, when you want to be, you can be the biggest jerk I've ever met," I said, closing my eyes in annoyance. But I mostly closed them, so that the tears wouldn't fall out.

"Well, wouldn't that just be so much better?" he said, throwing my arm back. I think another stitch or two opened by the impact it hit the mattress and I hissed.

"Edward!" I hissed. "Are you crazy? Damn it! What are you talking about?"

It was only when I sat up and looked up at him, because he had gotten off the bed, he continued talking with a smirk.

What had happened? I thought he liked me, or _something_, but not this. Not the sudden roughness and... hate. Was it hate?

I hated that very smirk. _That_ was dangerous.

Maybe I had to be the better one now. The more responsible one, even though he was older. Maybe I had to watch my words for the next few minutes, just so that the worst blow was over and he wouldn't do anything stupid.

"Wouldn't it be better if you remembered me as a disgusting monster when your father and Carlisle come and get you, instead of this nice guy that can't get through your thick skull!"

"What?" I gasped. "No... You don't get to do this... No..."

_Not again._

How can I, or anyone for that matter, be the more responsible one, when that one in front of you was striking you so hard, it made rational thinking impossible?

I had been through this many times before, with my mother, but experience doesn't change the feelings you feel, it doesn't make anything any better. You feel every strike aimed for you.

You can feel it all.

"Do what exactly, Bella?" he snapped.

Oh, he's so mad. Maybe I should just open my mouth.

"The drugs are still doing its effect, aren't they?" I asked, getting up as well, because being on a bed with a drug filled Edward had proved me hours ago that it was not a safe option.

He grabbed my arm and I looked up in surprise. The first thing I noticed were his green, shockingly even more green, eyes. They were piercing right through me and mocking me.

There was only one thing that I was trying to do and that was keeping the tears in, because he really had seen me cry too many times. I know I said that often, and in the end I did cry in front of him, but this time, I meant it.

"Naive little thing, aren't you? What you are looking at has got nothing to do with drugs, so take it or leave it."

"No," I whispered, pulling out of his grip and walking to the bathroom quickly. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I did the same with the second door and never got to look at my surroundings.

Edward had not just said that _that_ was him. It just couldn't be.

That's when I did it again.

"And this one's for you, Edward Antony Masen Cullen," I said, mocking his name. If he heard or not, I didn't know. But now it was my time to mock him.

I was searching frantically again, because I felt the need of a sharp tool in my skin and I didn't care to even admit it. And that's why I said it. Out loud.

"I'm going to cut myself," I said, finding a razor blade. "And no, this is not an anorexic, desperate girl that hears a little voice in her head! It's me. So take it!" I pressed into my flesh, at the same time opening two stitches. "Or leave it." I hissed out the last part, in pain.

Blood quickly dripped from my arm on the floor.

I didn't understand. Tears had begun dripping on the floor too and I didn't understand Edward. He could be this nice, amazing guy and he changed into a jerk the next moment. That was something I absolutely hated. I couldn't live with a person like that. All the time I would have to watch what I was saying, first gauging his reaction to something I said until I was sure nothing bad would happen.

I think nobody would want to live with a person like that. Most of the time you'd end up ignoring the person or trying to avoid him.

And that was what I was doing right now, while pushing the thing in my skin again.

In a blink all of the stitches were open, they were all just in my skin rather disgustingly. Slowly, I brought the razor in the biggest cut, and I pushed it deeper then, reopening the wound.

I screamed while everything went black for a second.

"I hate you! I don't need you!"

Twice I actually cut my arm in a very fast motion. I just brought my arm high up in the air and let the razor cut me by the impact it made on my skin. This was a different kind of pain and I only managed doing it twice. I had to stop for a moment and let all the pain be absorbed by my body.

Something that my brain registered, was that there _was _banging on the door, and I dropped the razor when I heard a crack.

I stepped on the razor, accidentally, with my bare foot and the door flew open.

I screamed again, while I hopped twice on my good leg, _God, I must look ridiculous_, until I lost balance and fell backwards. My head hit something halfway down the fall, and when I was lying completely on the ground, I noticed a bathtub behind me. That's what I must have hit my head on.

When did my life turn this crazy?

Edward was quickly at my side with a needle in his hand. I looked at the needle in fear.

"What's that?" I asked in panic.

"Bella, I'm going to give you something for the pain," Edward said. His eyes were his normal green again. His body language seemed human and he didn't seem aggressive.

"You're back," I said.

He gave me a tight smile. Did he understand what I was saying or did he just smile and think _silly, naïve, anorexic girl? _A brief, shot of pain went in my thigh. He had a lace in his hand and brought it on my upper arm, making a tight knot.

Edward was right. It was only a matter of seconds and I couldn't feel the pain in my arm anymore and the pain in my foot was gone too.

Now the emotional pain was taking over my body, and I had to have physical pain again. It was my medicine.

"No," I said, drawling out the word. "It's gone. It's gone." I shook my head a dozen times until his warm hands were on my cheeks, holding my head tightly. Stopping me. All of a sudden I felt dizzy and my stomach heaved. Edward noticed it to, as he reached for my waist and started turning me around.

I pressed my left hand on my mouth, feeling blood splash on my face that was still coming out of my arm, as I turned around completely, with my head hanging over the tub. Edward's hands were still on my waist, holding me steady.

I threw up a little bile and a little blood, until there was nothing left. It only remained me heaving a few times. There weren't any tears running down anymore either, just me heaving and sobbing without tears.

"Make it stop," I mumbled over and over again, whenever I got the chance. Slowly, Edward's arms came around me all the way and he pushed me back.

"That's enough," he murmured. "Don't worry, don't think."

I giggled a little.

"It got more in my foot," I said, pointing at my foot.

He scowled. But Edward was smart and he had it figured out quick already.

He turned me so that I was facing him and my legs gave up on me, so I fell on my behind and sat, as he pushed himself backwards and lifted both my feet, and then dropped the healthy one.

"Are they going to amputate it?" I asked, wondering what life would be with just one leg.

"No," he said. He brought his other hand to my foot and after a moment, the blade was between his fingers.

"It was your doing fault," I said, pointing at him. "You!"

He briefly scowled, before he looked at me.

"Yes, me," he said.

I nodded my head.

"I'm guessing the pain is gone?" he slowly asked, watching me up and down. His eyes stayed a second longer on my left arm.

I nodded again.

"That was not what I wanted. I wanted pain. My own made. Not the one you make. Your pain sucks. You're good at hurting me."

One of his eyebrows rose slightly.

"And he's always so mean," I said, looking at the ceiling. "I've already seen so many mean people in my life and then he comes along, adding himself to that list. And he's still on it, but he's managed to get on my good side as well. How is that even possible, getting on both lists? Only Edward Cullen could do that."

The thing in front of me chuckled.

"Well it's true! Have you even met him? He always hurts me. He hurt me when he told me I was a half and he hurt me when he grabbed me. But then there are sometimes he doesn't really hurt me and I think that somewhere along that line," I rose my finger and made a long line, "I fell in love with him. That's why I dream so much about him and don't think so much about dying anymore and sometimes consider asking him for help."

The boy in front of me moved and when I caught his eyes, I noticed how amazed he looked at me.

"Hey, your eyes are the same color as Edward's! Are you his brother?"

The man in front of me though was looking perplexed. He put his hand on my chin.

"You fell in love with _him_?" he asked me with disbelief.

I felt sad for a moment, completely heart broken. I let my eyes drop until I was looking at my hands.

"What kind of a question is that, stranger? Of course I did."

He shook his head.

"But if this guy hurts you so often, why would you love him? Why not just leave him?"

"Because he was there for me when I needed him the most. I can't just leave him now, not when he needs me the most. He left me once and I almost died. What if I left him and he almost dies?"

The angel nodded his head, but didn't agree with me completely. "But what if someday the bad shit outweighs the good?"

"I'll find a knife," I said, but then seeing the razor on the ground. "Or that." I pointed at the razor and the stranger looked at it.

"Oh, Bella. Leave Edward. He's bad. He's nothing. He isn't good for you. He's got issues himself. He's selfish, because he doesn't want to tell you what those issues are. He thinks you'll leave him and you want to know what that is? Selfish! Edward _Anthony Masen_ is a bad person."

I had held the boys eyes the whole time, seeing them get desperate and desperate with each second.

"No, stranger, sometimes he's very good to me. Look, he put these stitches in." I lifted my arm and saw my own damaged arm that had open stitches in them and cuts everywhere. Blood was everywhere. He glanced at it, before he looked at me.

"And then he reduced you into a state of doing that to yourself. Bella, this wasn't something that wasn't his fault. This was something he could have prevented. He was leading you on and that was _stupid_."

He took my arm and pulled out the stitches. He was frustrated, but his hand was the complete opposite, because he was very carefully pulling them out and not hurting me.

"I can't feel," I said.

"It's the pain killer, they've made you numb and high. Kind of like being drunk, since you won't be remembering any of this."

I smiled brightly at him.

"You won't leave me, okay? You should tell Edward to be more like you. I like you. Who are you?"

The beautiful creature smiled at me as he leaned closer.

His lips pressed against my forehead and I closed my eyes. He moved, his nose touching mine.

"Whoever you want me to be, handsome. And Edward, he's trying already. He wants to, but he's messed up himself, you know. But he really is trying."

"Good," I smiled, with my eyes closed. "Because I don't like the pain feeling."

The angel smiled sadly.

"Sleep, Bella. He'll take care of you, properly this time. Just don't hate him yet, if there's still some way for you to forgive him."

"No," I said. "I mean yes. No, no hate, and yes, I can forgive. But he still hurt me."

I remembered that it was Edward's voice that had spoken. When had Edward gotten back? I was too tired too look at him.

"And you don't hate me, Edward, please," I said seriously.

Edward chuckled. It sounded so very happy.

"No, Bella. I don't."

I fell asleep in his embrace.

Next time I woke, every bit of my body was aching and we weren't in either a house or car.

"Edward?" I asked. I was lying in a bed, but it was too dark for it to be a hospital. "Edward?"

I started to panic, and wanted to get out of the bed, but found that I was stuck. My hands by my side and my legs wouldn't budge. When I looked down, I saw that my arms and legs were tied, not with cuffs this time, but this restraint was leather, I think, and more fancy then simple cuffs.

I still didn't like it though, but then the door burst open and Edward rushed in. I had never felt more relieved in my entire life.

"It is so not what you think it is," Edward said. He had me undone before I could even blink and he pulled me up. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but I've got to follow rules."

"You weren't here," I said. "Why was I tied?" Edward, I-"

"I know, I'm sorry," he interrupted, "but it's been busy here."

My eyes went over Edward's clothes. And then again.

And then, once more.

I looked at his face, but couldn't believe what I had just seen, so my eyes went down again.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?" he replied with a grin. He knew what my next question would be.

"Why are you wearing Doctor's clothes?"

This had to be a joke, and nothing else. It had to be.

"I'm having an internship that will last for four weeks," he said. "Today is my sixth day, sort off."

"Say what?" I asked, my voice changing very low. "You didn't even graduate from high school!"

"I made the exams, passed them, found myself a University that wanted me and told me to have my internship this week."

Life was so unfair sometimes. Why did some people get so much luck, while others just received crap from this universe.

"When did this happen?" I asked, looking down.

He shrugged. "Every time that I was bored, I studied and never failed an exam."

"Lucky jerk. I wish I could be a doctor."

He grinned while he shook his head. "You would? Or is that a Bella joke?"

"I meant that," I told him while I felt insulted. "But I'm not smart enough for University. I'll never even pass high school."

He didn't argue with me, so he must have agreed, but he also never broke eye contact as he put the stethoscope in his ears and I stopped breathing.

_Shit._

This was hot, sexy even. Okay, when had that suddenly happened? Edward was good looking, yeah, but when did I see him as hot?

_Or sexy?_

_Oh God, please don't let me change into one of those bimbo's you usually see in movies and who are all covered in pink and are madly in love with the hottest guy in school._

He pushed my hospital dress, or whatever it was, aside and pressed the cold chest piece against my skin, where my heart lay under. He instantly chuckled. I glanced up, but his eyes were closed.

_I hate my heart._

He removed his hand and pushed the piece of clothing back on my skin. Then he pressed the chest piece on my back and I scowled. How was this dress made. I reached for my back and felt a huge gap in the clothing. Just great. Was my ass visible as well if I stood up?

But then I thought of other things that may or may not have been visible and exposed. I glanced at Edward nervously.

"Did you undress me?"

_Shake your head._

He nodded his head.

I sighed over dramatically.

"I wasn't going to let a nurse do that, when I told you only an hour ago that I would try to be better for you. Besides, Bella-"

"When?" I interrupted. "What?"

"I gave you some very strong, but also high-making pain killers and you were talking quite actively. Do you remember anything?" He was wearing a smile, victorious smile as he asked me that.

Oh, he knew alright that I didn't remember anything of that event but what I did remember, were other things, so I threw those in his face.

"I remember cutting myself and the reason," I said.

_You. You. You._

"Could you take a deep breath for me, please?" he asked. Yeah, sure, Edward, just ignore me. I did as he told me, but instantly coughed. Edward didn't remove the chest piece.

I tried taking a few calming breaths and I thought that Edward was done.

"Try again."

I groaned, but did as he told me. This time I did succeed and Edward took the piece off of my back.

"Come over here, please," he said, walking to another machine and some sort of a lying chair.

I got up from the bed and stood beside him. Suddenly I felt small and unintelligent.

When did Edward change into _Doctor Edward_?

"Sit," he ordered, pointing at the chair.

"Why can't I just stand?" I asked.

"Just sit, Bella," he said calmly, while again he held eye contact. I was the worst person in holding people's eye for a long time, so I dropped my eyes to avoid his green ones.

I jumped on the stupid thing and he put a plastic, black looking thing around my upper arm.

"What are you doing?"

He pressed in a tiny balloon looking thing and the piece of plastic on my arm got bigger and tighter.

"That hurts," I complained, sitting up straighter, but he kept pumping air. I closed my eyes and then he stopped, pressing something against the pit of my arm. I shuddered at the light contact of his fingers on my bare arm.

When I looked down, he had the chest piece on my arm and I scowled. Then I looked up at Edward and he was looking at me with piercing eyes.

"What did I do wrong now?" I asked, growing uncomfortable. My eyes went to my left foot. It had a bandage around it.

"Are you nervous, Bella?" he asked, as he pulled the stethoscope out of his ears and put it around my neck, while resting his hands on my shoulders and standing awfully close to my entire body.

"No," I mumbled. I shook my head as well

He smiled and leaned over. "You don't have to lie to me."

I looked down and saw my left arm. I widened my eyes when I saw a dozens of thin, tiny stitches in my arm, closing each cut and keeping all the flesh together. I even thought that my skin wouldn't scar, that perfect did it look.

"This job is done so much better then what you did," I said, showing him my left arm.

He smirked, and I scowled at that. I didn't like smirks.

"That's my job too. Cost me nearly one and a half hour. Just after I finished, I went to clean my hands and then you woke up."

My mouth opened and then I scowled.

"Oh," I mumbled.

"Anytime," he said. "So, Miss Swan, we are doing a full body examination on you today." _What?_ "Everything from organs to brain function will be checked and if needed, we will operate on you."

"What, what, what?" I asked with wide eyes. "Now? Why? Who? Isn't that expensive?"

Edward put his hand on my mouth. It was something that brought back old memories. Something that seemed so long ago.

"A full body examination," he said more slowly this time. "Yes, now, and also because it's necessary. I will do most of the procedures, but if it gets difficult, I will call in my boss. As for the cost, everything has already been paid for."

"What idiot paid?" I asked in disbelief. I knew for a fact that those examinations were expensive.

"I did," he said as if it were very logical. "Now come."

He held out his hand and I shook my head.

He stepped over to me and leaned over me again.

"Our relationship has gotten the status _incredibly in love teens_ in this hospital and me holding your hand is nothing compared to what most nurses want to see and _think_ we're doing." He looked at me pointedly, and my mind instantly told me _sex_. "And if that wasn't your concern, _it wasn't a question_."

"Wait-" I began, but Edward had taken my hand and pulled me along. He opened the door and I was assaulted with light. I grabbed the stethoscope off of my neck and held it in my hand tightly. It helped some with the nerves.

In the beginning, there were barely any people, but soon, people began to greet him as Cullen and some Edward. Some of them said hello to me, or just smiled and I just stared at them.

Every freaking doctor, nurse and even patient knew that guy who was currently holding my hand.

"We'll start with the organs then," he said opening a door in a descended hallway as he allowed me to go in first.

"Are you allowed to do this alone?" I asked.

He chuckled.

"Yes, I am. Does that scare you?"

"_No_," I said. "But seriously, this is your first day and you've already stitched me and are now going to use fancy looking machines." The room was actually huge and nobody was there except for the two of us.

He laughed out loud. "Honey, this isn't my first day. And sure, why not? I mean, I gave money to this place and some of these machines wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for me. Now lie down there."

I turned to see another one of those tall lying chairs.

I did as he told me to and he was there in an instant.

But first, he gave me a big glass of water.

"Drink this."

"Don't be so bossy, Edward," I said, sitting up and taking tiny sips, until half of it was gone. He took it from me and pushed me down. He was looking in my eyes.

"Maybe I'm just bossy around you," he replied.

"I'll never know," I said.

Edward seemed like an expert, someone that had been at this hospital for years and knew the equipments so well as if he had made them himself.

Not once did he look in my eyes and not once did he see all the respect and love in them.

_Shit. This is bad._

He pushed something against my chest, registered some stuff with the machine, sometimes I heard it beep and Edward made copies. He brought one of those things that are used on people that are pregnant on my sides, before he covered me in a cold gel. I was able to look with him on a special computer, but out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his other arm come closer to me and he brought my left arm up above my head. He did the same with my other, but still never looked me in the eye. At least half an hour must have passed while all Edward did was take notes, write some stuff in a file, make copies and more copies. I wanted to ask what he was doing, why my arms were above my head, why he was so quiet, because I was starting to get afraid and nervous.

But I didn't dare to ask him, so I let him do whatever he had to do. He brought the same tool on my lower stomach and I felt my full bladder. It hurt a little, but I didn't tell him. Instead, when things got too much to handle, I put my hand on his wrist and held him tightly there, as I slowly pushed his hand up, afraid he might get angry with me if I did so, but the full bladder was really getting uncomfortable. I shouldn't have drunk so much water.

Finally, for the first time since he had begun, he turned his head fully to me, and looked me in the eye. I instantly let go of his wrist, but Edward didn't push it in my lower stomach anymore. He was scowling.

"You're looking so distressed, Marie. What's wrong?"

I turned my head away from him while I squeaked a little. I didn't like this anymore. I didn't feel like I belonged there. I didn't deserve this treatment. And I shouldn't feel so much for simple _nicknames. _Or my second name.

Edward put the tools aside and leaned over me, while he pushed my head more to his side, until we were looking at each other again. He smiled when he saw me, but I didn't know why.

"Would you like me to get another resident for you?" he asked, but I was shaking my head before I even let myself think about what he was even offering. I didn't want anyone else but Edward there, but he didn't understand. I still wasn't allowed to get this.

He took my hands in his and pulled me slowly up. He pushed his hands in my hair and kept them there, while he held me and looked at me.

"What is it, Bella?" he asked softly.

I shook my head as I dropped my eyes.

"Are you feeling okay? We could take a break. Besides, we're practically done here. Come on, let's go outside together."

He put his hands on my waist and lifted me off the chair. He kept his hands for a second too long on my waist, and when he released me, he was looking at me like I was some mystery.

And I blurted out, "I'm sorry."

He smiled, and shook his head. "Don't be."

"I should have just opened my mouth," I told him in a distressed voice. He shook his head.

"No, Bella. That mistake was mine."

"But I should have-"

"_No_, Bella, you didn't do anything wrong. You hear me? You didn't do anything, got it? It's as simple as that for you to grasp."

"But if I just listen to you, you'll hate me less," I threw out in frustration.

"No, Bella, no," he said with wide eyes, as he pushed his hands threw my hair and did that over and over again, until I closed my eyes and I just enjoyed the feeling. "Bella..." He pulled me closer to him and held me in his arms. "Don't talk like that, don't ever. When did I give you the assumption of me hating you? Damn it, Bella, haven't I said it often enough?"

I lifted my eyes at him after his outburst as I pulled back. He looked at me as well. He was scowling deeply.

_Hadn't he said _what _often enough?_

"Do you want to know how hard it is for me to take a look at your insides and see how everything inside of you is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it? Do you know how difficult it is not to be mad at you, when it isn't even your fault to begin with? Do you know how badly I want to yell at you right now, shake you until you understand?"

My eyes began to fill with tear as he was talking to me with so much emotion in his voice and looking at me as if he really did love me.

"I'm sorry," I said.

He smiled sadly. "No, I am. Because you are not in my care, Bella, not until you turn eighteen. I've received a text from Carlisle. They're coming to get you. They-"

I leapt forward before he could talk any further and held Edward tightly, while I spread the gel further over my body and adding some to Edward's clothes as well. I held him so tightly, and tried to prevent myself from falling apart. I felt his fingers on my face, as he pushed the hair away from there. His other came on my back, making circles there.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, but I shook my head.

"I'll do anything," I said.

"I know, darling-"

"I promise," I hastily added.

"_But_ there isn't anything to do," he continued sadly. "Not a thing but wait."

"Edward, please don't leave me alone, I _need _you," I said, choking in my breath and feeling tears forming in my eyes. "Don't leave me again, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, please, Edward, don't-"

"Shh, Bella, calm down, sweetheart," he whispered.

He put his hand on my face and put the other between my cheek and his chest, where I had pressed my head. When he had managed to get my head in his hands, he lifted my head until I was looking at him.

"I'll be where ever you want me to be, Bella," he said slowly, watching me in my eyes.

"Don't leave me alone," I croaked out.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I won't."

I cried my first tears because I couldn't keep them in anymore.

"You will," I said, pressing myself once more against him. His arms came around me as he held my tightly.

"I'll be there for you, Bella, okay? I promise."

I shook my head.

"Please believe me, Bella, I'll be there for you," he said again. "Because I love you too."

I widened my eyes and lifted my head to look back at him.

"What?" I asked in disbelief.

"I don't care you were filled with pain killers and that you were flying high, you said that you love me and stated it as if it was freaking obvious."

"Oh," I said, almost falling down, hadn't Edward put his hands under my elbows. "Sounds like me."

Edward chuckled and I felt his lips press on my cheek.

"What? You aren't even going to deny it?"

"Shut up, Edward," I said. I was still feeling distressed.

He stood straight in front of my face, because he had bended down.

"No. And now I want to hear you either say it or deny it."

I rolled my eyes, but then, Edward started playing _very_ unfair...

First he straightened up, so that he was the longer one, and he was making me feel small again. His fingers made feather light contact with my arms, where he made circles. My skin there tingled and reacted to his touch. He slowly brought one hand up to my shoulder, while the other went to my back. I was trying to figure out where was going with this, but both of his hands were very distracting, and each time I looked up, I caught his eyes almost instantly.

Slowly, that green was disappearing and his eyes were getting darker, but not too dark. I could still see the green and it made him even more sexy. So I closed my eyes all together.

He chuckled and suddenly I felt his breath on my neck.

"Not a wise choice, Isabella, not a wise choice at all," he whispered too seductively. "Didn't you know other sense organs intensify when you shut one down?" His fingers on my shoulder went over my colour bone and I shuddered.

"Oh God," I murmured, sounding girly and pathetic.

_Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God._

"Edward is the name," he said instead.

"Screw you," I said angrily, though I wasn't even upset. Just very confused.

I believe he wispered, "Rather you," and my mouth fell open.

"You're disgusting!" I said, quickly stepping away from him, opening my eyes and reaching for the door.

He had locked it.

"God, what plans have you made for the night?"

I heard Edward grin and he was inches behind me again. I desperately tried one more time to open the door.

"Would you like to find out?" he asked.

I turned and put all my effort into glaring at him as my hand remained on the doorknob.

"_You wouldn't_," I said, watching him carefully. He stepped closer. "You do know I bite?"

"I don't really mind."

I glared some more, but that was apparently his medicine to step closer to me.

"I know what you're doing," I said in a poor attempt to make him stop walking. It did work.

"What's that, pretty?"

"Distracting me," I said.

He shrugged.

"I'm right?"

He shrugged again.

"I knew it."

He smiled, taking the final step towards me and putting his hands on either side of my face.

"It's working, is it not?"

This time I shrugged.

"Maybe I can't resist that sexy face of yours."

Edward blinked and for a second, he closed his eyes and shook his head a little. I almost laughed at the way it seemed like Edward had some error in his head.

He looked back at me while he steered his head.

"The feeling is mutual, Isabella," he said.

"Yeah, I know, Mister Cullen," I said very confidentially, even though I didn't feel like it at all.

I was flirting and I didn't even know who had begun it and who would end it.

Not Edward, that was a fact, because his face came closer to mine and he crashed his lips on mine, kissing me slowly, carefully. I kissed him back, strangely enough.

He was doing many things at the same time. He was kissing me and bringing his hands to mine, while he lifted them and put them around his neck. Then he put his arms around my waist, which made me feel comfortable for some reason, and safe, as he pulled me along with him towards the tall chair. He turned us both and lifted me up on the chair. I didn't have to crane my neck up this way, as did he not have to bend down anymore to my lips because of my awkward length.

"Edward," I breathed out.

He kissed me for a while longer, when I heard his soft reply.

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we should stop," I said when his head descended to my neck.

His lips pressed on a ticklish spot and when I felt the skin there get tortured by his killer lips. I shrieked as my eyes practically rolled back. I think my body liked that. Another very embarrassing sound escaped my lips and my whole body felt tense and alert.

Edward's head shot up as he pressed his hand on my lips, his other behind my head to hold me even tighter, as his head snapped to the door.

"Shit, Bella," he whispered, while remaining quiet. My breathing was coming out fast, while he seemed to be troubled by nothing, except for that door. Then he breathed out in relief.

His head snapped to me.

"Why did you scream?" he asked, his eyes wide. "Did I hurt you? You didn't like it? Were you-"

Yeah, I knew he was about to say afraid, and I couldn't handle that word at the moment.

I pushed him hard on the chest, which made him stop talking as I glared at him.

"You know, you're nuts, thinking that innocent behaviour is going to make up after what you just did," I said angrily. "You kiss me and do weird things with my neck and it makes my whole body go tingly and I feel strange and I don't even know what I want anymore, I wasn't even supposed to scream! Anyway, it's your fault."

Edward was frozen like a statue.

"Besides, you've been with so many girls, I'm guessing you have enough experience to be arrogant enough as to know what a girl would like or not. I'm sure you're great at sex as well and who knows what else." I pretended to be thinking. Yeah, I was angry and sarcastic, but I didn't even know why. "Actually, what else do you know? Because I'd like to know."

It was then that Edward had gotten as strange emotion on his face, one I didn't recognize. It seemed like he was trying to figure something out, but at the same time already knew the answer. Maybe he wasn't trying to figure anything out, but he was just debating what he would do.

I rolled my eyes and was very blunt, even if I had to say so myself.

"Ed-ward," I said, drawling out his name, "I practically told you to have sex with my right here and now, and you're just standing there. Are you a guy or what?"

It was then that Edward got an amused glint in his eyes. He smiled and stepped forward. His hands were on my thighs, right where the hospital gown ended. He slowly pushed it up while spreading my legs with his knee, since I was still sitting on the high chair and he was standing.

"Right now?" he asked, acting is if he wasn't sure. _Acting, indeed._

I was about to be sarcastic, but my knees suddenly felt like they were very far apart from each other. My knees didn't like the distance and they tried to get closer to each other, just like to magnets. In the end, they couldn't get any farther then a few inches, because Edward was standing in between them. He was pressed between my legs.

_Again._

"Uh..." I mumbled, looking down. What was I about to say? I really don't remember.

"Are you sure?" he asked, leaning his head down sideways, his lips trailing from the side of my eye to my ear. "I'm not."

"Huh?"

"Or have you forgotten?"

"What?"

"Yes, you have," he said with a smile on his lips.

"Ass," I said.

"Okay, okay, I'll say it again," he said, rolling his eyes. "I'd rather have sex with you in your bed."

I felt one of my eyebrows rise on reflex, not only did that sound impossible and stupid, but silly as well.

"You have lost it," I said, while giggling all of a sudden. When had he even said something as silly as that? I sure as hell didn't remember.

"Have I?" he softly asked, almost as if he was wondering himself.

I nodded my head.

"Why?" he asked slowly.

"It's obvious, Edward, stop fooling around," I said, rolling my eyes.

"What's obvious?" he asked with a hint of a scowl on his face. Seriously, I wasn't talking in riddles.

"You're Edward, you're hot, I'm not, and you know it, and-"

His hand on my mouth silenced me and his lips were back on my neck, continuing his torture with his magic lips. I squirmed and moved, but he didn't stop. He kept his hand on my mouth but he probably knew that I would be screaming instead of squirming if he hadn't kept his hand on my mouth.

I was taking deep pants through my nose, my eyes were shut tightly and Edward was killing me with those lips; or bringing me alive.

It was then I realized that my hands were on his shoulders, holding him tightly with my fingers pressing in his skin. Slowly, his hand on my lips decendes down to my waist. With his other hand he was holding my shoulder.

For a moment, he freed my neck.

"I am not fooling around, Bella," he said, sounding slightly offended and angry.

He put a small kiss on the soar spot.

"I want you to stop thinking so little of yourself," he continued, while he rubbed with his fingers on my neck.

The last thing he told me, sounded a little like he said it in amazement and amusement.

"And you must stop seeing me as some sort of a God."

I took one shaky breath.

"Okay."

Okay for all the things he had just said. Okay for all my mixed up thoughts. Okay because I just had to say _something_.

"Okay, I love you."

I heard Edward's intake of a breath.

He grabbed my face and my eyes opened. His eyes were piercing mine.

"Are _you _fooling around?"

"Why would I?" I asked with a scowl.

His eyes widened in disbelief. "And why would I?"

I shrugged. Yeah, I could understand why he was annoyed with me. I guess I was an annoying girl.

"Clever, Bella, really clever. Listen. I don't want you to ever think low of yourself again, okay?"

I shook my head and smiled.

"For the love of God..."

"It's the only thinking I've ever known. And then I met you. And I had to think lower of myself."

"Fuck you, Bella."

My eyes widened and he was practically glaring. "W-What?"

"I'm not perfect. If anything, you should have thought better of yourself when you met me. Mocked me in your head."

"I did."

He raised one eyebrow.

"Not all the time..." I quickly said, but he was already laughing.

"You want to know what I thought about you then?"

"That anorexic bulimic virgin sure looks very pathetic and bony?"

His face fell. And he looked a little angry.

"What would sex with her be like?" I tried again.

He rolled his eyes. "I thought what the reason could ever be why your eyes seemed so empty. I wondered why you let me treat you the way I did. Why you just took most of it. I guess I still don't understand why you just took it."

For a moment, we looked at each other and I took another sad attempt to change the subject.

"You sure changed, I mean, look at you, you're doctor Cullen and so respected by everyone in this hospital."

He smirked. "Some things are easy. Some aren't."

"Like what?" I asked curiously.

"Keeping you sane and alive," he said.

"Come on! I'm sane!"

He quirked an eyebrow. Again. Looking all hot and mighty as he did.

_Shut it, you fool._

"Oh, shut up, you," I said, crossing my arms. I was talking to Edward, but at the same time, also to that voice in my head. "Besides, I thought we were going outside?"

"Yes, we are," he said, nodding. "You distracted me."


	37. Chapter 37

**Disclaimer: **I'm not Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **I'm sick :( I've got the cold again, it's the third time this school year. Reviews shall be my pain killers!

So two updates in one day, are you all happy (the other update is Mistreated, which I've noticed is a much more preferred story by you guys) ?

* * *

**To need, want and love**

"I still don't trust you, you know," I said as I was walking behind Edward, while he was dragging me to what seemed like the elevator.

"Right," he said, as he glanced back with a grin on his face. "You don't trust me, so you just decided to come with me here, and you don't trust me but still prefer being around me?"

He pushed the button for the elevator to come up - or down - again, towards our floor.

_Which was?_

"Let me guess," I said, ignoring his comment. "This is floor thirteen? It is, isn't it?" With my luck, I just had to be on that floor.

"It's floor twelve, and that floor," he pointed up, "is floor fourteen." I scowled. "Didn't you notice in the airplane that the number thirteen was skipped?"

"Where?" I asked.

"You know, there where you can put your luggage," he explained.

"It was?"

He nodded his head. "Yep. So, _no_, we are not on floor thirteen. It doesn't even exist." He glanced at me once more and dragged me into the elevator, which was empty.

_Great._

It was uncomfortable and awkward, for me. For Edward, nothing could be awkward.

"You okay?"

I looked up and Edward was looking at me in a strange way.

"Yeah, sure," I quickly said, then looking straight in front of me. The urge to cry was suddenly overwhelming and Edward must have noticed. I blinked quickly, and tried to concentrate on staying calm. Everything was fine until he asked me if I was okay. Then it just felt like Edward really cared for me.

It wasn't just a kind question that you must ask, no. Edward asked me in a really concerned matter.

_Shit._

Edward was looking at me, I could sense it, but he didn't say a thing, for which I was grateful.

The doors opened and a mother with her child stepped in.

"I don't want to go!" the child almost screamed.

"We have to, Joni, it's to make you healthy. Don't you want to be healthy?"

"No! It hurts!"

"It's just a little blood test, it barely hurts!"

"Yes, mommy, it does!"

"What if I promise you that it won't?"

The child looked up at Edward and the woman looked behind her, first glancing at me, and then at Edward.

My eyes widened, but I didn't look at him. I kept staring in front of me.

"Deal?" Edward asked, raising his hand towards the little girl.

This girl looked suspicious at him and his hand, but I saw her take his hand and they shook once.

"Do you mind?" Edward asked and when I realized he was talking to me, I quickly shook my head. I couldn't believe he was seriously asking me if I minded or not. I was not going to say no, the girl was barely six or seven.

"No, of course not, Dr. Cullen," I said, not able to prevent a small smile on the mention of that name.

"Well, right after you, ladies," Edward said when the doors opened.

The girl jumped out and the mother followed suit. Edward put his hand on my back for a brief moment when we stepped out and when I looked up at him, he was already starting to speed up, so that I was walking behind him.

"Where are you going?" the mother asked when Edward almost reached a door. We were in the waiting room for the people who had to draw blood, but Edward didn't seem to care. He put his hand on the knob.

"It's right over here," Edward said.

"But... all these people, aren't we supposed to wait?"

Edward smiled and shook his head. "She's just a child." The girl didn't hear it when Edward said that, but the mother looked awfully relieved.

"Thank you so much," she said.

Edward stood in front of the door until the mother had dragged her child inside the room. She had begun crying and Edward motioned for me to get inside to. I pointed at myself in surprise.

"Yeah," he said.

"But..." I started, looking nervously around. "It's your job."

He scowled. "No, it's not. I made an exception."

"I'm not good with children," I said.

"It will only take a moment."

"I never know what to tell them," I hissed once I stepped closer to him. "Kids are scary."

Edward laughed freely and grabbed my arm to pull me in.

"Like a said, it'll only take a moment."

"A moment could take forever," I mumbled.

The girl refused to sit on the chair.

"Look, look," Edward said, quickly and smoothly, walking away from me to talk to the other girl instead. The girl looked up in surprise and suspicion again. Edward grabbed my shoulders and for a moment, we had eye contact.

_What are you doing?_

_Trust me._

_No._

_Bella, _trust me.

_Fine, I trust you!_

Edward smiled triumphantly and I glared at him. Stupid Edward.

He pushed me towards the chair and pushed me down, forcing me to sit down on it.

_I swear to God..._

_Trust me._

_No._

_You just said you would._

_Whatever._

Edward chuckled. It was as if we really could talk to each other by just looking in each others eyes.

"So, look, this girl over here will not _yell _or _cry _at all and she definitely won't feel any pain. Just look."

Edward put an elastic band around my upper arm and tapped on a vein. I closed my eyed and wondered if he really was about to stick a needle in my arm. He was quick at pulling out the needle out of it's original packet and I gulped. Why did I have to be a guinea pig just for some girl?

He placed his fingertips on my left arm and gently held it steady. I looked up and Edward noticed my discomfort.

"Don't worry, it's okay," Edward said softly and for once I didn't care if the people next to us could here us.

He pushed the needle in my arm and I felt it poke inside a vein.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"You've improved," I mumbled.

"First time with you I was a little nervous," he murmured back.

My eyes shifted up to him, but he was busy doing something else, searching for something.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

The woman grabbed her child's ears and looked angrily at me. I looked up at her apologetically.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking back at Edward. He was taking a deep breath.

Edward Cullen is never nervous. How could he be? He's Edward.

But then he grabbed a tube and filled it blood and all rational thoughts flew out of the window.

_Hey! That's my blood. Don't take my blood!_

Edward chuckled when he saw my expression.

"What?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"Just sounded funny, I guess, along with the cute expression of yours." Edward nudged the little girl while he was still taking blood from me.

_Four._

_Five._

_Yeah, take it all. Take all the blood I have._

"Isn't she funny?" Edward asked her.

"Misses Cullen, did it hurt?"

I stared at the girl, feeling that my eyes were wide and it was eerily quiet around us.

Edward's voice was the first to interrupt it.

"Did it, Bella?" Edward asked. I didn't look at him.

"No," I said, looking at the girl instead. She was blond and had big, blue eyes.

Finally he pulled out the needle and put a plaster on it.

"There, all pretty again. Next patient!"

"No," the girl said, shaking her head.

"Look," Edward said. He grabbed a new needle and pulled up his sleeve. He quickly pushed it in the pit of his arm, and then pulled it out, showing her the one single drop of blood on it. "It's as simple as that. Okay?"

The girl nodded her head. My mouth had dropped. The woman beside me was just as speechless.

"Can you come and sit here then for me, please?" Edward asked.

Oh, he was mean. He was using his charms and green eyes on the little girl. She was bewitched as she sat on the chair and let Edward quickly take some blood, after he had scanned through the papers the mother had given him.

"All done, little one," Edward said, smiling at her.

She jumped off the chair and practically ran out of the room.

But not before she yelled her parting words.

"Goodbye, Misses Cullen and Mister Cullen!"

"Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen."

The woman left quickly and I glared at the door.

I blurted out the first thing that I thought off.

"Why did you take my blood?"

Edward stood up from the chair he was sitting on. He was amused.

"We are not married," I continued when he didn't answer quick enough. "Why didn't you correct them?"

"Why didn't you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why didn't _you_?" I asked angrily.

He sighed. "Does it matter?"

I nodded my head in disbelief. "Yes!"

He shrugged. "Don't let it bother you. It's nothing."

Really, that was much easier said then done.

I didn't get it. I still didn't. Was it normal to just be a doctor... so quickly?

"Weren't we going outside?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Yes, right now," Edward said, opening the door and grinning.

I walked out of it and left Edward behind.

"I'm sorry," he said from behind me.

"I'm not angry," I said.

I was angry with myself, actually, not him.

All those stupid people in the waiting room were gawking at us. Jeez.

He quickened his step until he was walking by my side.

"I'm sorry for annoying you then," he said with the hint of a smile in his voice.

"You're not," I said angrily.

"Sure, Izzie. Now tell me what's bothering you."

"Nothing," I murmured. "Which way is outside?"

"There," he said, pointing to the left. I saw another elevator and stood in front of it after I hit the button. "Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell," I said.

_There's too much too tell and if I don't tell you now, I'll burst._

"Bella, it's obvious that something's on your mind."

"No."

_Yes._

I walked to the door that led to the stairs and quickly walked down.

"Don't run away," Edward said in his now ghostly voice from behind me.

"Shut up," I said. The stairs sucked. I was out of breath when I got down and felt my heart beat frantically. I had to stop and put my hands on my knees.

"Bella, we're on floor six now, don't be stubborn and let's take the elevator," he said.

"No." I was going to be stubborn.

"Why?"

"Because I can walk down the stairs."

I started going down for another floor, but was even more tired after that flight.

"I know you can, but at the moment it's not a matter of being physically able, Bella," Edward quickly said. "You're worn out and it's a medical riddle as to why you're still alive. Maybe you'll die tomorrow and maybe you'll die right on the spot."

He put his hand on my back and bended down to put his other hand behind my knees. I let him lift me up and put my arms around him, my head on his head. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My nose was touching his temple.

"But if you even dare to quicken that process, just because you think you know better, don't look up strangely when I'm there to stop you," he continued. He started walking down the stairs and I almost fell asleep.

I didn't let myself though, because I wanted to remember this moment. I had begun to care for Edward, to miss him when he was away, to feel pain for him when he was in pain and...and I had begun to love him back.

I love Edward.

I sighed deeply as a few tears started to fall and I realized that he was only one of three people in this world that I loved.

Mom and Dad were the only people that I loved. Though, since recently, I wasn't sure about that. Maybe there was only one person that I really loved.

It didn't matter that he hurt me so often and it didn't matter what other people thought. The drugs didn't matter, the harsh words didn't, the cutting and the vomiting, undressing me, forcing me, because he was being somebody... I needed. It didn't matter, because right now everything felt alright, nice, fine and comfortable.

I wanted this to last for a very long time.

"Don't leave me," I said. I brushed my face on his doctor's clothes, getting rid of the tears. He wouldn't mind.

"I thought that was the thing that I was supposed to fear."

"How come?"

"The odds are likely that you'll leave me. But if it is a comfort, I won't leave you, even though I do believe that this is something I have told you before."

"I won't leave you," I said. It sounded so strange, the way he said _if it is a comfort. _If. He believed that I didn't want him around. Sure we had gone to places where it was darker then any place the both of us had ever been, but we had been there together, and at times when we weren't in the dark, we were surrounded by bright lights, so bright they almost blinded us.

_I guess both those places aren't good._

You have to be able to see all the time, right?

"You're gonna die and that's the same as leaving."

"I won't die," I said.

"You will die," Edward said. "Within the week."

_Say what? _"I won't-"

"You will, and it will happen before the ending of the next week," Edward said, interrupting me. "You refuse to eat, so your brain refuses to work. You are already talking very slow and it's hard for you to think. You might not notice it, but I do. Your kidneys are failing on you, you are low on potassium, magnesium and sodium. Your liver is damaged. Dead. It's irreversibly damaged. Your blood is low on all kinds of cells. Just like AIDS, you've lost a lot of white blood cells. They're supposed to help your body against infections."

With eyes that were closed, I listened to Edward's voice, and I learned.

And I fought.

That's what I wanted to tell him. That I was fighting. And that I was not going to die.

But I also wanted to yell. The way Edward was talking, made me think if he even cared. He sounded non-caring. He sounded like a robot.

"The worst of it all is the loss of potassium. It causes an irregular heart rhythm."

Then again, he wouldn't go through all this trouble, if he didn't care, even just a little bit.

Or I was his big, fun guinea pig. I was the mystery, alive girl, the one that should have died weeks ago.

"Hello, Edward," a concerned male voice said. "Is she alright?"

I was too tired to lift up my head and see who had talked. Apparently we had made it to the first floor.

"She's okay," Edward said. "I'm taking her outside."

"You can page me, you know, if you need any help." I heard a pager go off. "I've got to go!"

"Thanks," Edward mumbled while I heard the quick footsteps of the other man walking away from us.

The sun was shining, because I felt the heat of it on my skin. Still, I didn't open my eyes.

I felt Edward sit down, because I was now sitting on his lap.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't really want to die."

"I don't really believe you anymore."

"I really don't," I said. "I'm not lying. You have to believe me." I was starting to get desperate, but Edward already thought that I was suicidal.

"It's all out of my reach," Edward said. "I've tried everything." He was scowling deeply when I looked up at him. "And nothing worked."

His expression seemed like he was in livid pain. He was there alone and I had to watch him. "Edwa-" I began.

"I'm just sorry I put you through all that pain and humiliation, Bella," he said, his eyes dropping to mine. "I was hurting you and then cutting you..."

"Edward..." I said, looking into his green eyes. "It's okay."

"Is it?" he asked.

"Yes."

"But you are dying," he said slowly.

I was feeling very weak. It was as if Edward's words had really made my body even more tired and... as if it was giving up on life.

"Maybe..."

_Maybe I should..._

I sighed deeply, while looking in his beautiful green eyes.

"I don't want to die..." I mumbled, putting the side of my head on his shoulder. This way I could still see his face. "Edward? Do you think I'll have more time if I eat?"

He looked down at me, calculating me. Suddenly, he flashed me a bright, cheerful smile.

I could almost smile back and be happy.

I didn't want to die and I didn't want to eat.

But if I had to pick, would I choose food over dying?

"No."

"Okay, then I'll ea- Wait, what did you say?"

Now I put both of my hands on his chest to raise myself up and to look at his face.

"I-I th-thought t-t-that-" I stuttered nervously until he interrupted.

"Your problem's up here, Bella," he said, tapping my head. His finger went over my cheek, down, until he kept it at the side of my chin. His eyes were sad. Mine were desperate.

I let my head drop on his and our foreheads touched.

Beautiful, hypnotizing green against ugly brown.

"Edward, help me," I said.

I must have gripped his shoulders way too tight, but he didn't budge and he didn't complain.

"Please," I said, closing my eyes as the world drawled for a long time over my lips. "Please, Edward." He put his hand on the back of my head and I leaped forward, as I opened my arms wide and pulled his chest close to mine.

He was hugging me back and it felt perfectly nice. If he wasn't holding me back, I'm sure I would have broken down right in front of him.

_Because..._

"I need you."

I wasn't really sobbing, but I felt like somebody I loved had just died. It felt like experiencing somebody that close to you was dying.

"Please, Edward, please help me," I pleaded. "I need your help. I need you."

"After everything I did to you?" Edward asked incredulously.

"Yes. And I want you."

"You say that because you're scared and I'm the only one not tying you on a bed or sending you to shitty clinics. You don't want me the way I want you."

"Yes, I do, Edward," I murmured in his clothes. "I don't know what comes first, need, want or love, but this messed up universe threw all three of those things to me and now I need you and I want you and I-"

"Bella, shh, I'll help you, but don't feel forced to say anything, you know-"

I was looking at his with an open mouth, because those three words I had been about to see couldn't have been more real then a true lie and Edward thought I felt forced to say them. He's an idiot.

"You know, Edward," I said, interrupting him this time. But I didn't know what to say. He had managed to shut me up.

"I'll help you, Bella, I'm just afraid you'll die in the end," he said softly. "And I... I don't want to lose you."

"You won't get rid of me that easily," I said.

His eyes almost twinkled at the sides.

I let my head drop on his shoulder again.

I didn't like the seriousness of the conversation anymore and Edward, I guess, agreed with me.

"I hate you, Bella," Edward said. "I hated you the day you entered my life."

"Now _you _shouldn't feel obliged to-" I was pushing against Edward's shoulder to lift myself up, but Edward had put his hand on my back to stop me, and interrupted me.

"I told myself never to love somebody again after my parents died, because it hurts when you lose them," Edward said close by my ear. "I managed well, with the help of drugs, wrong friends and a bad ass attitude. And just when I thought everything was going well, you showed up and messed up all my plans. I didn't do a good job with that deal I made with myself, because I fell for you."

My eyes were wide open because of the truth Edward just told me.

_What have I done?_

I wanted to apologize. But I also wanted to tell him it wasn't my fault. Love happens. But whatever I wanted to say, words weren't enough to express how much it meant to me that he had told me the truth. Everyday I got to know Edward a little more.

I leaned a little forward until my lips touched his neck and I kissed him there. I felt the tiniest movement there and I realized it was his artery. I was moving so fast that it made me giggle.

Edward looked down at me with a scowl.

I was still giggling and he must have thought that I had really lost it now.

"It's moving so fast," I tried to explain, touching his artery.

He rolled his eyes and looked back down at me. "That's the first thing you can come up with after what I just told you?"

"Actually, no," I said, drawling out the word. "The first thing I was able to come up with was to kiss you."

"You couldn't resist yourself, could you?" he asked with a grin while looking straight in front of him.

"I couldn't resist you," I said.

Edward looked down at me and lifted my head up with my chin. He was staring at me eyes.

"Are you high?" he asked me.

"I don't know," I said with a shrug. "What did you give me?"

He scowled and then rolled his eyes again. He changed the subject.

"Will you tell me now what was bothering you before?" he asked.

"Yeah. Okay. I don't understand how you became a doctor."

"I already told you."

"Yeah, and you also told me that I can't think straight and talk anymore either."

"That's not what I said. Anyway, I told you. I go with little sleep. And in those hours of boredom, when I'm not drinking, doing drugs or partying, I study."

"You know, I don't believe you," I said. He looked down and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he asked.

"I don't believe you," I repeated.

"Yeah, I heard you. Why not?"

"I just don't believe you do so much bad stuff as you make out you do. I hardly ever see you drinking, and you said so yourself that you started to dislike drugs. I mean, you wrote it down in the diary you stole from me."

He narrowed his eyes as he looked at me, but not in a way that he was angry. He was thinking and wondering, but I didn't know about what.

"True," he eventually said.

"So you must have had a lot of free hours," I said.

He nodded his head.

"If I didn't do something... I would have done bad stuff instead, as you just called those things bad stuff. And I'm hardly a doctor, Bella."

"Yeah, you are," I said.

"This is just my first year and it's not like I'm doing surgery."

"Yeah, what ever, Edward," I said, looking away.

He nudged me and I looked back at him, smiling. I still had to look up. And he was holding most of my weight in his arms.

"What drug do you like?" I asked.

"Guess," he said as he looked away from me.

"I don't know."

"I'll tell you. But first I have to tell you something else."

"What?" I asked quickly.

"I've sent in some of my blood to check if I was a candidate for you. Turns out, I am, but we have to wait for at least three days until all the XTC I took yesterday is out of my system. Then I can give you my liver."

My body swayed a little, but Edward had gripped unto me again.

_Blood..._

_Candidate..._

_XTC..._

_His system..._

_His liver..._

"What are you talking about?" I asked with wide eyes. My head was having some sort of an error, like the one that you sometimes have with your computer. I wasn't sure though if this error was fixable.

"I'm saying... Bella, I'm saying you're liver needs to be replaced, partly."

"No, no, no..."

"And I'm saying that you can have mine."

"How do you want to live without a liver?" I said, almost yelled at him.

"Only partly," he said very calmly. "It'll grown back."

"Liver's don't grow."

"Liver's grow, sweetie."

"Whatever. What's wrong with mine?"

He smiled, but wasn't looking at me. "Does it matter?"

"Does _anything _matter?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes." He got up and pulled me up with both my hands. "I love you. That matters."

My mouth opened and slowly we began walking towards the hospital again.

"Wait, wait, wait," I said, stopping. He turned with my hand still in his. "There's XTC in your blood?"

"Yeah, it's noticeable for a few days. Takes a while until it's completely out of my system."

"Tough luck. So that's the love drug?"

He nodded.

"The one you love?"

"Loved."

"Oh," I said, rolling my eyes. "You found a new drug. From which I _still _don't know what it is."

"Yes," he said.

I was trying to come up with a witty remark. Yes, I wanted him near me, but I never asked for drugs.

Edward, though, had stepped closer to me and bended down, while looking very strangely at me. Then I knew, he was going to act.

_Don't believe him._

_He's an actor._

_Don't believe the actor._

"This drug is stronger then anything else I've ever tried. You know, all that other crap is nothing compared to _you_."

_Oh..._

My eyes widened. "What?"

Edward chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, scowling and smiling confusedly at him. "You're crazy. I'm not a drug."

"Then how come I'm addicted to you?" he asked while looking down at me.

I had no other comeback.

* * *

**A/N: **Are we finally getting somewhere? Since Bella's time is up.

There's something I want to know! If you are reading Mistreated as well, did you read first this story or first Good at it (since I updated both at the same time)? I did that on purpose, so let me know!


	38. Chapter 38

**Disclaimer: **I'm not Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **Read chapter carefully, might be... yeah, I'm not sure what the word is, but I warned you.

**JelyyfishTramper, **Thank you for reminding me that on 6-6 (today) it would be this story's 1-year anniversary. If you hadn't told me, this update hadn't been here so soon. An update is just a must when the story lives for a year, right? So I hope you guys can enjoy this quickly written, but still tall chapter.

I didn't have a chance to answer the reviews yet, but just know that I do I read them, love them, and I love help, inspiration, and songs! I have a big song request if this chapter reminds you of a song or quote or something.

**Song** for this chapter: Mirror by BarlowGirl. It's a beautiful song. I love it myself.

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.  
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.  
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.  
I know He defines me.

Kinda the same thing that Tupac said: Only God can judge me.

* * *

**Pulling**

I let Edward take me to where ever he was taking me. First inside the hospital, but I didn't like all the people staring at me while I was walking behind Edward a little, so I desperately grabbed his hand and tried not to stray off.

All those judging eyes were horrible. I could almost hear their eyes talking, telling me what I was doing with a guy like Edward.

"Cullen," a man in dark blue scrubs with a white coat said.

"Chief, I was looking for you," Edward said, quickly, smoothly. I scowled at the way he was talking.

The chief glared at him and his eyes shifted to me for a moment.

"Sure you were." The chief did not believe him and when I looked at Edward's face closely, I could actually make out that the chief was right.

"Well, I was about to," Edward said slowly.

"Listen, Cullen, I don't like being fooled around with, so you've got some explanation to do," he said.

Edward nodded and then looked at me. "I've got to go, but you can wait in one of the-"

"The kid can come too," the chief said.

Edward's mouth dropped and he looked horrored. I was really missing out something.

"What?" Edward asked with his eyebrows way too high and his eyes even showing some panic.

"She'll hear it, sooner or later," the chief said. "Now follow me."

I looked at the chief suspiciously, knowing that I was the she he had just mention and that there was something that I would hear, perhaps _needed _to hear, but not _wanted _to.

That's what I could make out of Edward's horror, because if Edward was that horrrered and shocked, I was quite sure the information was not pleasant, but if a person so autorative as this chief told me that I had to hear it now, I might have to hear it, even if it wasn't going to be pleasurable.

Sure I was able to think sensible for a moment, but I was already fearing and feeling dread.

I really didn't want to find out.

We went up a few floors with the elevator in complete silence. The chief's office wasn't very far away and when we made it there, I sat on the first available chair. I sighed when I felt my feet were aching and that that my limbs felt heavy and tired. Edward sat next to me.

"Edward, seriously, XTC? Never have I witnessed somebody offering his liver to his girlfriend, but then to see there are drugs running through your veins?"

Edward opened his mouth, but my scowl had deepened and my answer was already there.

"He was doing something very heroic, because this doctor in Forks was about to sedate me, while I hadn't done anything wrong, but Edward was right on time. And he had to drive a lot of hours non-stop to New York and I'm glad he took the XTC, because I know that the reason was acceptable."

The chief sighed deeply and looked pointedly at Edward. I could see that he was not at all happy with my answer and was about to scoff at Edward, because he was to know-it-all. The one that had an IQ that went high up in the air.

"You've done your studies, Cullen. You know what drug does to people. Was it so hard to stop and sleep for a few hours?"

I looked at Edward as his mouth opened and slowly he began talking.

"I know-"

"I've already told him not to do drugs and I don't think he ever will," I said to the chief, interrupting Edward. "Besides, I begged him not to stop at a hotel, completely forgetting that Edward is human and needs sleep."

I scowled at myself, feeling like an idiot. It was just now, when I said it out loud, that I realized it was something that was my fault. Edward took drugs, but I had been the reason for his decision. He hadn't stopped at the hotel, because I hadn't wanted him to.

It was the kindest and horrible thing anyone had ever done for me. He had taken my plea seriously, but in order for him to drive on, he had to stay awake.

He had gone a whole night without sleep. He had driven and driven such a large amount of hours and for the first time in the short time I knew Edward, I felt the one that had something vile to Edward, because he had gone even _longer _without sleep. He had after all driven all the way from New York, in order to get to me. Hadn't he said it had taken him forty ours? Or whatever he had said, I had practically tortured poor Edward.

I looked at him and Edward was looking at me with a funny expression.

"What?" I asked him, but I quickly turned to the chief, deciding it didn't matter what he was thinking. "If anyone did something wrong, it wasn't Edward, because I should have offered to drive for a few hours instead of him. I just didn't think of it. Well, I _just now _thought of it." I scowled again at myself.

_Idiot._

_Shut up._

Stupid voices in my head. Even they were mocking me for my foolishness and being so damn clueless.

"Why didn't I think of that?" I asked myself.

The chief almost groaned. I looked at Edward in alarm, but his face was blank.

"And Cullen, did _you _not think of asking your girlfriend to drive for a few hours?"

The chief wasn't looking at Edward though, he was looking at me.

Edward also didn't bother answering, which almost made me smile.

"Cullen," I began and Edward snort laughed, but quickly stopped when the chief glared at him, "-I mean Edward - is too kind for that," I said, quickly calling him by his first name instead of his last. Because the chief kept saying Cullen instead of Edward, I had taken over that habit. It had sounded stupid, coming out of my mouth, and apparently, Edward thought it was funny.

"You do know there might be a chance the liver gets rejected by her body, leaving her with just a very small liver that is already very damaged," the chief continued.

My eyes widened.

"No," I said at the same time when Edward said, "Yes."

"And you do know the odds of her dying, even if she eats, get's medicine, vitamins and fluids, are extremely high."

My mouth was hanging open a little, while I looked at the chief. He was deadly serious.

"Yes," Edward said again. My eyes started to fill. I was beginning to fear that all of this - all of Edward's kindness and help - might not be enough to save my life.

"So you understand when I tell you it's very futile of you to donate your liver," he continued.

I wanted to ask him if that really was true, but Edward beat me to it with one single, harsh, stinging word.

"Yes."

"Then why give it to her?" he asked in frustration. "Do you feel obliged to?"

I looked at Edward and he rolled his eyes.

"No," he said, with a tiny bit of anger in his voice.

"It is your decision, Edward, it really is. But you might shorten the time you have with her when you need healing yourself from the operation, while you could be with her instead."

"I know," Edward said, saying it in a very neutral, and again, know-it-all voice. He had thought all of this through already, that much I could tell by the way he was answering the chief.

"I still don't understand why you would decide to give it to her, Cullen."

Edward sighed and I looked at him.

"Me neither," I said.

Edward's eyes shifted to me for a second and he shook his head a little.

"I'm giving it to her, because nobody has ever stood up for me the way she just did," Edward said. "I've done horrible things to her, and still she is capable of forgetting those things. No, I'm not doing it because I'm sorry for what I did and now feel obliged to give it to her, I'm doing it because I fell for her throughout the time we've spent together and don't want her to die if I might be able to give her something useful. When I saw that she needed a liver transplantation, nothing else was going through my mind then the hope that mine would be a match with hers. _That's all._"

The chief watched Edward sharply. "You give her your liver because you fell for her."

Edward sighed, looking at the floor. "Yes."

"Alright, that clears up a lot of things," the chief said. I noticed he was a little annoyed, but mostly, I sensed, he wanted us out of his office.

"Yeah, so we'll go then," Edward said.

"I never liked have you in this hospital, Cullen," the chief said. My eyes widened and Edward smiled viciously.

"Sorry?" he asked in a kind, sweet voice.

_Oh, he's acting alright._

"No. Never did." His eyes shifted to me. "Get a blood test every two hours, if possible every hour. The sooner we can start, the better for her. I hope for you, Cullen, that she's going to make it. Apparently there are people in this world that do like you."

Edward scowled. And I gaped at the chief.

"Ouch," I said, as if the blow had been meant for me, while it was Edward that should be offended.

"Go! Get a blood test now and all you can do further is wait, perhaps tell her the other bad news."

"What other bad news?" I quickly asked.

The chief looked at Edward, as did I and Edward's face looked pained.

"Come on, Bella," Edward said, taking my hand.

Once Edward closed the door behind us, I pulled at his arm.

"What more is there?" I asked.

"I'll tell you, but not here," he said.

"Is it bad?" I asked.

"It is," he replied.

"Then what is it?" I asked as I once again felt tears in my eyes.

"Bella," he said, turning his piercing green eyes to mine. "I'll tell you. Wait until I find an empty room."

His eyes showed me panic, pain, desolation, grief, humiliation and sorrow. I saw it all, right before they turned blank, telling me that he was doing his acting job again.

A tear slipped out of my eye and landed on the floor, because I was leaning a bit forward and I gasped a little when I realized that I had stopped breathing, letting the air in.

Edward was about to turn his body to walk again, but his body froze midway when he saw my eyes.

I wondered if mine were showing the same emotions that I had just seen in his. The truth was, I was crying because of what I had seen in his eyes. I felt powerless, small and unimportant.

"Oh, Bella," he said, leaning forward to run his finger over the ending of my lower eyelid. He was very gently, so the action didn't make me blink more often or rather close my eyes completely. No, I was looking in his eyes to see if he would show any more emotion rather then the pity I was seeing now.

But no, he didn't show me anything else, to my biggest grief.

"I don't care," I mumbled, shaking my hand to get rid of his hand. He dropped it and bended down. His eyes showed worry now, the pity gone.

"You don't have to lie to me, sweetie," he said softly, running his knuckles over my cheek.

I looked away from him and he sighed.

"Come, I'm going to tell you everything but I'm not going to say it before we are somewhere alone." He took my hand back in his and brought me back to the elevator and another floor. I didn't know if we went up or down. I didn't look which floor it was when he dragged me out of the elevator, because I wasn't paying any attention. Edward opened a door quickly and glanced inside.

Then he opened the door completely and pulled me inside, closing the door and turning the lock slowly.

"Sit down," he said with hesitance in his voice.

It was a small room with a bed and very dark. There was just tiny window and actually nothing else.

"Internships can be horrible sometimes and when you can't make it home to your own bed, these small rooms provide beds for us. Even real doctors sleep here when things get too much."

I felt his hand on my back, pushing me towards the bed. I sat on it and waited for Edward to do the same, but he didn't. He walked in front of me, pacing and then abruptly stopping.

He turned his body to me and looked at me.

"There's no fat and no muscle tissue on you body, Bella," he said, dropping on his knees and putting his arms on my legs. He looked up at me from under his dark, black, thick lashes, which gave his green gaze a more arresting look. I bit my lip to stop myself from touching his flawless face.

He began running his hands over my legs until the point that I grew uncomfortable.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a small voice?

He shook his head. "There's _nothing_ there, just skin and bones. I'll tell you what you want to hear, but first I want to hear you say something out loud and admit it to me."

"What?" I asked in confusion and dread hit me like a bullet and tears pricked my eyes.

"I have anorexia and I have bulimia and I'm going to die if I refuse to do what the doctors tell me to do," he said, looking me dead in the eye.

I was staring back and didn't feel my chest rise anymore. Edward noticed it to and softly mouthed '_breath_' while still giving me a hard glare.

I shook my head, not knowing if I was refusing to breath or repeat him.

"Say it," Edward said, lifting himself so that our heads were closer. "Say it. Believe it yourself. I want you to say it, Bella, _now_."

"I-I can't," I stuttered.

"Say it, Bella! Then we could finally begin somewhere. Look at me."

I didn't even know I had broken eye contact with him and slowly looked at him.

"Just a few moment ago when we were outside, you begged me to help you. I'm am seriously doubting right now you meant any of that."

My eyes widened and tears fell down now. "I-I-I d-did," I said, stuttering like crazy now and my whole body was shaking. Edward's hands were still on my legs, above my knees, holding them tightly.

"If you truly meant what you said, Bella, then you'll repeat what I said," Edward slowly said, probably to make sure I heard him right and didn't miss a thing.

"B-But..." I began, sniffling once and searching for words. The shaking was making me stutter, and feeling the dread turned my mind all blank.

"But?" Edward asked after a moment and my eyes landed back on his. Again I had looked away from him.

"I don-don't th-think it would matter... Saying i-it, do-does... It wo-wouldn't... It-It's so..."

My eyes were moving fast from the left to the right, searching for words, trying to vow my thoughts, while in fact I wasn't thinking anything and I was probably making now sense to Edward.

"Edw-Edward," I said, my voice breaking horribly as I shifted my eyes back to his. I heard my own desperation when I only said his name but I also heard another silent plea. His eyes were looking at me like I was a puzzle, but I noticed how pained he was looking at me. I dropped my body forward until my head hit his shoulder and I sobbed a few times. Edward brought his hands up from my legs, trailing them slowly from my legs, to my hips, up to my waist, where he held me.

"It's a long staircase," Edward whispered between my sobs. "When you look up, you can't see the ending." He brought one of his hands to my hair, brushing it all behind. It felt soothing when he did that. Slowly my sobbing lessened just by his simply touch.

He rubbed my back then a few times, until I was lying completely still.

"But you have to take a first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase."

Edward pushed me away from him until I was sitting up again and looking him in the face.

"I know it seems like it will never be okay again and I should have never said to you that you only have a week more to live. Things could get better."

He sighed deeply and closed his eyes. When he opened them he looked determined.

"But first you need to hear the worst. You wanted to hear it and I believe you have a right to know it."

I just looked at him with my mouth slightly open.

"Do you want to know?" he asked, his eyes uncertain but still determined. "Do you want to know everything that's wrong with your body?"

I looked down and nodded my head.

"Do you really," he said, putting his pointer finger on my chin to raise my head up, "want to know how anorexia has turned your heart rate to the extent that it's only having fifty beats per minute, that even the lightest bit of exercise or caffeine could trigger fatal heart rhythms? Do you want to know how anorexia has caused your bones to lose mass and disfiguration? Do you really want to know you're heart has lost muscle mass as well? Would you like to know how anorexia made you, Bella, _you_, a girl, infertile, so I won't even talk about the higher risk of miscarrying, since you'll never experience the feeling of being pregnant."

My body was frozen and Edward's eyes shifted a little away from mine, until he snapped them right back. I let out a short breath and suddenly started breathing heavily.

_No._

I shook my head but Edward's hands were on my face to stop the movement.

"Look, Bella," Edward started but I felt my eyes roll back and Edward was quick at lying me down on the bed and grab my head more firmly. "Don't go there, Bella! Stay awake. Please, sweetie, don't go to the void place. Stay with me."

My eyes opened lazily and I was caught by the greenness. They were very close to my own eyes.

"That's it," Edward said encouragingly. He smiled at me.

But hearing him tell me the truth, had drained me from my last bit of energy, and I just had enough of it all.

I was done.

"Let me die."

Edward's eyes widened and he let go of my face and abruptly stood up, walking backwards. The greenness that had just been there in front of me, was now just a pair of small dots far away. The door opened and Edward got out of the room. The door closed with a loud bang and I flinched when I heard it.

I turned on my side and sobbed.

I had been harsh on Edward and I knew it.

But I also knew that I was so tired. Everything felt heavy and difficult and I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again.

I was probably crazy. I think I had lost my mind, because I remember telling Edward I wanted his help and tell me the truth, and when he tried helping me and told me the truth and I decided I didn't like the help and truth, I pushed him away in the worst way that was possible.

"E-Edward?" I called, my body still shaking with sobs. "Ar-Are you still th-there?"

I cried and felt alone when nobody opened the door. He had left.

"I'm sorry, so sorry," I said with eyes closed. "I'm not the right girl for you."

I jumped when the door opened and Edward got in. He kicked the door shut with his foot and turned the lock and reached me fast.

"You didn't leave," I said with surprised eyes when Edward sat on the bed. He crawled on the bed, with his shoes, as for a moment he was on top of my. My body was between his legs and arms.

He shifted a little more until he wasn't on top of me anymore but by my side on the wall side. His back was turned to the wall and my face was turned to him.

Slowly, he brought his fingers up to my cheek to wipe away the tears.

"I thought you left," I said with a pained scowl. I felt my lips tremble as I remembered the short time that I thought he was gone and that I was alone. It was selfish of me to want Edward when things got difficult for me.

Edward ran his front finger over my cheek, to my neck, shoulder and upper arm. He made circles there while he stared me in the eyes.

When I leaned a little closer, and decided I liked this distance more, because now the greenness was more visible, I put my head on the pillow and looked at his eyes.

I could look at him forever. He was beautiful. There was nothing wrong with the boy in front of me and why he would want to be with me... why he fell in love with me, was a big mystery to me.

Edward opened his mouth and my breath caught in my throat. The movement had been sudden and startled me slightly, but I think everything would startle me at this point. I had turned into a helpless girl that needed anyone's attention. I hated it and I started to hate myself.

"I'm not letting you die alone," Edward said.

I froze as Edward traced with all five fingers now, his hand going to my back and making it through the gap, touching my naked back. His fingers made my skin burn and my heart race. My breathing turned to a person's that had just run the marathon twice, but it wasn't just his fingers that were doing that to me.

What Edward had just said had been the saddest thing I had ever heard. Again I could not stop the tears, that now felt sideways over my face, on the pillow.

In the meantime, Edward had begun tracing my backbone, each time running a finger over each bone, making small circles as if it was important not to miss a bone at all.

What had he called them after that heart attack? Something something, but I couldn't remember, but the small bones had a special name which I had forgotten and I had also forgotten how many of them I had.

He smiled at me, a real, genuine smile which broke my heart even more.

It was racing and breaking, but I was afraid I had broken Edward's heart even more. He had told me that I was his better half, but in real it had always been the other way around.

Edward was my better half.

"It's alright, Isabella Marie Swan," he softly said, pulling me closer with his hot hand flat on the small of my back, until our bodies touched. His heat was overwhelming and even in that moment, I blushed. He looked at the redness with nothing more then curiosity.

With his other hand, he touched my hot cheeks.

"You can go," he whispered. "It's okay." His lips touched my forehead and I whimpered. I think I knew what he was saying exactly, but I was a person that needed to hear words in their exact form.

It seemed like Edward knew this, because he continued.

"It okay to die, Bella," he said, his voice painfully normal. "You can go, follow the light, the dark, or whatever it is that is pulling at you."

My ice cold feet hit his leg and as soon as parts of my body started touching him, I pushed myself closer to him, at the same time as he rolled on his back. I got on top of him and let my weight fall on him, while I held tightly onto his body.

"I didn't mean it!" I said loudly, my mouth brushing his shoulder.

"Hush, Bella, don't talk. Don't lie. I know you want to die. I can see it in your eyes. You feel defeated and petrified, but don't worry. I won't let you die alone. Nobody should die alone."

His arms were on my back, his hands holding unto my shoulders. I loved the added weight and strength. I couldn't have enough of Edward.

When I glanced at the hand beside of me, I scowled. It was my hand, but it wasn't gripping on Edward as my mind was telling me that it was gripping. It was just there loosely on his shoulder. I tried moving my hand, but it wouldn't. I couldn't see my other hand from this angle but wondered if also that one was not grabbing onto Edward.

What was happening?

Everything was black. I couldn't see anything. I just heard Edward's breathing.

"What's happening?" I asked, my voice coming out too soft and in a petrified whisper.

"I've got you," Edward whispered in my ear. "I'm here." Edward was holding me tightly and I realized all the tightness I was feeling was just Edward's doing. I had never had the energy to hold him that tightly as I had wanted to.

My mind had made it all up. Thinking I had been holding him, but because I couldn't, my mind just simply made it up for me.

Edward was completely right, and I didn't know how he had figured it out. I was indeed defeated and petrified, but I wasn't quite sure what was visible in my eyes.

If I really had to believe Edward, they told the outside world I didn't want to live anymore. Had my eyes really changed that much?

This feeling that was going through my body now was horrible. I think I was dying, but it was almost like Edward's words were feeding that process and letting anorexia win.

I didn't want anorexia to win from me, but what I really thought was very stupid of Edward was that he let anorexia win from him.

I wish I had half the brain Edward had and even I could see that he was a fool right now for not seeing it the way I did.

Anorexia had made me empty, in more ways than one, and right now it was trying to murder me.

I fought against the tiredness. I fought against the heavy weight that was crushing me like a meteorite.

And I did one futile attempt to Edward, maybe he could see this was anorexia that was now fooling him.

_Edward. You're smart. Don't let Ana fool you too. You know so much better, Anthony! Kill Ana, kill her for me. Don't let her murder me._

"Edw..." I couldn't even finish because my mouth felt dry and heavy. I could barely open it and move my tongue.

"Shh, Bella, it's okay to go away," Edward whispered again. "Don't worry anymore. Let things just happen."

_No. No._

My mind was screaming at me. It was telling me to do a thing, it didn't matter what.

But I couldn't move, I couldn't speak and I could stop what was happening.

I tried again. Almost did I growl at the effort it took, but I tried, I had to keep trying.

"Edwa-"

_Girl, girl, I've made you pretty. I've made you happy. Do you want to be a fat cow? An ugly bitch? Do you want to eat, and eat, and eat, until you're ugly and useless to everyone?_

Something stirred in me. I barely felt it, like I was losing connection with my body. My mind was still there, but the body was too weak to respond.

But I definitely felt something and I tried _again_.

"Edward-"

_Sweet girl, haven't I always been there for you? Have you forgotten how the monster underneath you has kissed you until you bled and how he used you for his own purposes at school? He robbed you from your work, he tried robbing your from your virginity, but I stopped him, always._

_Edward doesn't like me. Edward's thinks bad things off me._

_You know what though, my sweet girl?_

_Edward isn't good for you. I am. I never cheated on you. I never hurt your feelings. I made you thin. I made you beautiful. I opened your eyes, so that you could see your filty body covered in fat, and I opened them wide alright. You saw what I was seeing and I'm proud of you._

_Do what you're doing right now. That's right. Keep doing it._

_Edward is a little right with that one. Let it happen. It won't hurt you. It's all fine._

It grew and grew in rapid speed, but I felt myself detach from my body fast as well. It was an emotion that my body was feeling. The emotion was still growing, but what was it? I tried to figure it out,  
mostly out of curiosity. It was strange not to know what a simple emotion was named.

But then I heard it again.

_Let go. Let the ugly body go. This is better. We'll go away together. You and me, we'll be great friends. We love each other and I love you because you never failed listening to me. You didn't eat when I told you not to, but when you did, I got very angry and told you to throw it all out. And you did._

_You have always listened to me._

_You are so good. So good at not eating and throwing up. Can't you see, Bella? That was your purpose in life. It had always been._

_You were simply good at it and now you are going to come with me and leave that foul man alone to sob with your dead body on top of him._

Anger.

The emotion that was growing, the one I couldn't figure out was pure anger and hatred for the person - the thing - daring to lie to me.

_Leave me alone and don't ever come back. I don't want you here and I don't want you talk badly about the boy under me. You were never nice to me. And neither was Edward, but he changed. He is better and I love him._

_You're a fool. Listen to me. You are fat._

I wanted to talk to Edward with just the last bit of energy that was left in my body. I was almost lifeless. This could not happen. Edward wouldn't call for help, because he thought I wanted to die.

Yes. I was tired.

Yes. I was afraid.

Yes. I was a coward.

Yes. I _said _I wanted to die.

But, Edward had to be there to save my life. He had to hold my hand tightly and tell me to live.

_And now he's telling me to die._

My body... It had had to say something. I had to talk. My mouth had to move. Say something that would trigger something in Edward. I had to tell him something with great meaning, something important, anything that would make him realize he was making a huge mistake and being fooled by the voice that was now in my head. Had she gone into his head as well? Was she blinding him, making him see things that weren't there?

_Are you?_

Not only did I want to live, but also did Edward need me. He would commit suicide if I died. I knew he would and then, yes, we would meet again, both in hell.

Me, for having anorexia.

Him, for committing suicide.

Though Edward deserved nothing more then heaven.

I had to tell Edward something, but time was running. Literally, I felt time slip out of my hands and my body felt further away. I could barely still feel it.

I was actually going. I was leaving without knowing what to tell Edward. I didn't have enough strength left inside of me. What few words could I say to make him realize that he shouldn't let me die?

There was nothing. Nothing I could tell him.

_You've got me. Don't be sad. You're a trooper, my girl. You've done well. You could be Ana too. You can do the same thing I am doing, to another girl._

The anger almost broke free out of my body, but not quite yet.

I was very angry now. I tried pushing it towards my body. My body had to feel it. Not my mind. My mind was not important. My body was what mattered now, my body owed my mouth. My mouth had to open and talk to Edward and say anything.

Edward was a smart boy. Maybe it was even time for me to call him a man. Even Ana had called him a man...

_Edward is a smart man. Think! Think hard!_

_He isn't smart. Listen, sweetie, we'll make it together. You don't need that _boy_._

I was pissed off now. That voice really had to shut up. I couldn't believe it was that bitch I had listened to for years. She was dirt and Edward was pure. Edward was the one that was able to tell me what was wrong with me, he was able to make decisions, to help me and be there for me. He was able to tell me who I am. He always told me that I was more then I myself thought I could ever be. He truly believed I could make it to something like University.

He thought I was smart.

_You don't define me._

There's only one person who defined me and I was trying to desperately to talk to him.

The anger started to fade away as I didn't hear her anymore. The voice left, or chose to ignore me, but it left me with a moment to think.

And it was only a moment that the universe had given me. My time was up. I could feel it. My body... it had died.

_No!_

_Get back! Get back!_

I tried going there again, I pulled at the invisible force, but it was too strong. My mind was fading as well.

_If your mind is still here, so is your body. Do this for Edward. Edward needs you. Don't let him live in the illusion of you _wanting _to die. Get back there. Fight harder._

Who ever was talking to me, gave me strength and I found hope again. I pulled at the thin string that was connected to my body and did get a little closer, if not just an inch.

I tried reconnecting with my body and think at the same time. It was really now or never. I had to do it now. I had to come up with anything, it didn't matter what.

_Maybe it's just easier to say goodbye?_

It was just getting too strong for me to fight against the force. Death was a dark, strong place and it had me in its grip, together with Ana. The string was so far away and I tried pulling at it so that my mind would get back there, but it was so difficult.

Death wanted me dead. Ana wanted me dead.

_Edward wants me dead, if I'm not already._

I felt a tear roll over my cheek and my mind was shocked. I had felt that tear. There was still a connection. I was still there. I still had a chance.

_You do not have a chance. Don't go back to that ugly body. Just die._

More anger was rising as I realized she had dared to get back in my head.

Then I felt another thing. Something warm, and the tear was gone.

_Edward had brushed away the tear._

If I was still able to feel my tears and Edward's touch, then I really did have one more last chance. Now was not the time to feel sad. Now was the time to get some action taken. I was the boss now. Edward and I had switched roles and I had to convince him now and finally something happened.

Something good happened.

I remembered Edward's previous words and begged to God at the same time that Edward would understand my words, if I was even able to drag them out of me.

I didn't want to leave Edward alone and in pain. We belonged to each other. We both carried a half of each other with us, always, and if one of us died, the other one did as well.

_"You can go, follow the light, the dark, or whatever it is that is pulling at you."_

Ana wasn't going to make two victims this night. I know what it was that was pulling me. Right now, I knew the truth and Edward did not.

But Edward was smart. He was just being fooled and he didn't know it. Edward had only been fooled with for a small moment, while I had been for years, when Ana had haunted me in my head and in my dreams.

I tried fighting again and find the same anger that I had felt previously, because I needed it now in order to get close to my body again.

My mind almost screamed and I felt another tear run over the cheek that belonged to my body. My mind was so frustrated that the connection I still shared with my body felt it too and cried.

I wanted to give up, because for another time I was slipping away, and now I was very far away. Maybe the thin string had burst, because I didn't feel the tears anymore and I didn't feel Edward's touch anymore.

The connection must have gone away and it left me with nothing.

Except the sadness that I couldn't feel anything anymore. Feeling that tear had given me a reason to fight again, but now I couldn't feel Edward anymore.

_But he's still there._

Edward was there. He told me he would stay until I died. Edward wouldn't lie to me about that, and with another force that this time was not anger or frustration, I broke out of death's grip and got closer again.

I wasn't going to try and get closer to my body. It hadn't worked earlier, so it wouldn't work now.

What I was trying now was getting closer to Edward's body. Edward's body was close to mine and if I could get close to him, I could go to my own body.

I fought harder this time, searching my destination. I was fighting against the hard pull and the hard grip.

All I could think about was getting to Edward.

And like a magnet searching for another magnet, it worked.

For a fraction of a second, I was back. I was back and even though I was indeed still very far away, I was again there in my body.

Anger or frustration hadn't been the emotions that I had to feel to get to him. Just the hope that I had suddenly felt, the hope that everything would be okay, even now when I was on the edge of dying, had been my strenght to reach Edward.

I had found hope.

Hope - and Edward - had guided me through the hard, long path that Ana was dragging me off, and it was hope that had brought me back to my body, even if it was for only a few second.

Just before I slipped out again, I managed to open my mouth and say the words I had desperately been trying to say for an amount of time that felt like a century to me now. The words came out hoarse, soft and in a whisper.

"Ana pulls me."

I prayed to God that Edward had heard and that he would understand.

I hoped he wouldn't let me die and give up on me.

Then it all went dark, while I still felt a pull. I couldn't figure out if it was a pull away from my body or from my body.

The pulling stopped and everything faded away.

I think I faded away too.

_I'm sorry, Edward, I tried, but Ana was strong._

* * *

**A/N: **Just a tiny one, to let you guys know it won't be so fast again until the next update. It's kinda study time, and summer's holiday will start 1 June for me. It's just that this story was made one year ago, when I was desperate and scared because I had to wait for my exam results.

I know I don't ask often for it, but I put a lot of effort into this chapter, and a lot of work and quick thinking. Was it _any _good? Any songs maybe?


	39. Chapter 39

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **So I didn't make school this year, nope. I failed. That's okay. I'll try again next year. On another school. Because the one I was currently sitting one, kinda threw me off of their school. That's okay too, I guess.

So, do you guys still like the story?

Next chapter will be up quickly, hopefully.

If you like to follow me on twitter: EdnaSardrood

I loved the songs: Just breathe - Pearl, I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie (already knew that one, due to Grey's Anatomy), Need you now - Lady Antebellum and Wires - Athlete.

So big thanks to JelyyfishTramper and three anonymous readers.

More songs are always appreciated :)

* * *

**Curiosity**

My body wanted to rest, even though my mind was telling me that it had been resting for quite a while now. I felt disorientated, at whatever place I was.

Was it heaven?

Was it hell?

Was it New York?

Was it - _I hope not_ - Forks?

Was it a place that is the same like sleeping?

I didn't know where I was and I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to know the answer to that question. I was scared that it would be a place I most definitely didn't want to be. But that left me wondering again, where did I want to be?

_With me._

It was ridiculous!

She was still here with me, in my head and she was still telling me lies!

According to Edward, I'd have to call her Ana, but I couldn't believe she still had the decency, after killing me, that she thought I wanted to spend another single second of my being - living or dead - with _her_.

Then something I had just thought, crossed my mind.

_After killing me._

Had she succeeded?

I wanted to feel better again. I didn't want to feel this suffocation feeling anymore. There was only so much I could handle and I wanted so badly for that feeling to go away.

_You're not suffocation._

But I was, badly. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't smile, I couldn't feel and I couldn't even eat.

_Just breathe._

Breathing had never been this difficult for me, but I was doing my best. It was the most I could do and anyone expecting more from me then doing my utter best, is living in a world that's only made out of illusions.

I was being tossed from left to right constantly. In my real life, when I had to go to different clinics, to my mother, then to my father, to different kinds of hospitals, psychiatrists, Edward's house in Forks, Edward's house in New York, the hospital in New York. Then there was the strange thing that had happened before, when something had been pulling at me to a dark place, but then back to Edward.

Nobody really wanted me.

_Have you forgotten about me so fast?_

That voice was annoying me more and more and I wanted for it to go away. But she did tell me things... things that left me wondering.

If anyone did care about me, then I wouldn't feel so lost right now. Maybe I was at a place where I was somewhere between heaven and hell, somewhere on earth, or maybe somewhere where it was always dark and I had to stay there for eternity.

Something was still there. I heard it, somewhere far away. As soon as I heard the words, they vanished into nothingness and I forget about them. I tried listening harder to the sounds, but they stopped as soon as I tried to find them. It was like a dream, where you try to eat, but the food vanishes, or where you try to fly, but end up falling, or where you pull your pants down to pee, but wake up in a wet bed.

She was still haunting me, even now when I was gone. It was like she would never leave me, because she was designed to destroy me, to isolate and kill me.

Killing me was not enough for her. She wanted to haunt me at this eternal place.

But I was also happy. If she was here with me, she hadn't gone to another girl to ruin her. Two were too many to be ruined by one single voice. She had to stay here with me and never leave. She was the reason why I was here, so she had to stay here as well. It was a place made for us both.

_What are you smiling at?_

I heard the words more clearly now and they sounded accusing. She hated me, because the tiniest bit of happiness freaked her out. It really didn't matter anymore what she thought of me or wanted me to do.

If there was the biggest cake in front of me right now and she was watching me from the side line, I would shove it in my stomach in a few minutes, eating it all.

_Cake?_

She sounded so confused, as if she did not know the word. All the she knew was thin, purge, dieting, diet pills, calories and fat. And some others of course.

A simple thing - just a cake - was foreign to her. That thing people make and bake in the oven was something she had never heard off, because it was not allowed.

_Sweetie, don't panic._

That's when I heard. Different kinds of sounds, first soft, but soon they got louder and annoying.

"Argh," I heard. I murmur of complaint. An awful pain in my throat, like it was raw.

"Bella, are you awake?"

But I can't be.

"Can you say something? Sweetie, say something that will make sense."

It was impossible.

"Please, darling, honey, sugar, cutie, small Bella, please. You have been out for so long and we don't know if there's any brain damage. Talk to me. Talk back to me, please. Say my name? Do you remember my name?"

If I was alive, I wasn't dead. It had felt so real, but it hadn't been.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella..."

"Ai, ig, gah."

I think those words were coming out of my mouth.

And I think I was trying to say something.

"Bella? Izzie? Isabella? Please, Bella..."

It was Edward.

"Bella, oh God, Bella, wake up, please," he said.

I felt it then. Suddenly it all came on me, the fact that his hand was squeezing mine, his hot breath close by my shoulder, his other hand on my neck, while his arm lay over my body.

He was really there, with me and he was close by my side, touching me.

_I really did survive._

"Ew, Ea, Ee," I tried.

Edward began cursing and it almost sounded funny. He really knew how to curse badly. If he hadn't had such a damn, tall name, he would have figured out I was only trying to say his name. I tried something shorter.

"Shp," I said.

"Possible brain damage..." Edward murmured.

It killed me to hear him talk so devastated.

"Always a possibility..." he murmured as if he was stating a normal fact. "What about the other words though? Suffocating, alone, cake. But those words didn't make any sense..."

It was pretty embarrassing that Edward had heard me talk in my sleep again and apparently he thought I had been talking nonsense.

"Shui ep."

I sounded like a foreign person, but suddenly Edward turned silent.

"Shu-ut-te u-up," I said, and both Edward's hand reached my face, holding it.

Only, I couldn't look at him because I couldn't open my eyes. I squeezed my eyes more shut and frowned.

"Bell...? Did you just say shut up?"

"Ye-Yea," I muttered. Also I heard another new nickname for me. Unless he had been too dumbstruck to finish my name.

"Shit," he whispered, his hands snaking under my body, and pulling me up. I was surrounded by heat and the tight feeling of Edward pressing me against his chest. My head was on his shoulder, my cheek pressing against his clothes.

"Eh-Enny," I forced out.

"What?" he said quickly.

"De-ehnny," I said.

"Oh," Edward said with a chuckle and a heavy sigh. "Oh! God. Before, you were trying to say my name... Crap. Bella, Bella, Bella. You can't imagine all the things that have happened."

I wanted to ask him so many things, but remained in his tight embrace.

"Miss Swan," he whispered, "You're heart stopped beating for a while and the doctors had to reanimate for sixteen minutes. They kicked me out of the room, because all I could do was look at you... your ghost white face. For a moment you had turned into a corpse. There was no time for thinking, so they had to crack open your chest and the first thing they saw was a slight damage on your heart that they fixed. It had caused your death. This took them seven hours. In the meantime, I was brought to surgery as well, had a piece of my liver cut out and they transferred it inside your body."

Edward stopped abruptly and slowly leaned down until my back hit the mattress and he released me. I still couldn't open my eyes. I felt Edward's hands on my shoulders.

"Then while they were performing surgery on you, you started waking, because your anaesthesia was too light. But right before they gave you another right amount of drugs, you started talking, but... What you said didn't make any sense, and they had to perform another surgery, but this one was on your brain. There was fluid pressing against your skull and they had to get it out. Your operation cost seven surgeons, four new drugs and two experimental procedures. You were being operated on three different places at once. Your heart. Your liver. Your brain. You died on us, and when your heart started beating again, you almost died on us again."

"Sor-y," I mumbled.

"There's a scar practically covering your chest and one at your right side," he said. "The biggest needle in this hospital was pressed in your head."

"I-I-"

"Shhh," he said, kissing my shoulder. "I'm just saying, you shouldn't say sorry. You made it through surgery alive and you didn't sustain any damage to your brain. Your heart is fixed. And a big, bad part of your liver is out of your body, replaced by a healthy part."

It was too much information and I was suddenly feeling very sick. I pressed my hand against my mouth but Edward already starting pushing my head over the edge to the bed and I puked.

But the moment my guts were coming out, I was violently heaving and crying. I felt very guilty.

When there was nothing more to throw up, Edward had to help me to push me back on bed and he got in the bed with me and put his hand behind my shoulder. I buried my face in his clothes, which I then realized weren't doctor's clothes or normal clothes. They were the same one I was wearing.

"Edward?" I asked. I opened my eyes and saw him for the first time. He was staring intently at me.

"Yes?"

"Why are you wearing patient's clothes?"

He looked down and chuckled. Our clothes were identical.

"It takes a while for my liver to grow back," he said. "I'm still a patient until I'll be discharged."

"Oh, yeah." That made sense. "Sorry. Wasn't thinking."

I tried finding an opening to his gown, but failed.

For a moment my hand hovered over his body, but then I reached over to his back and slowly pulled it toward me, his stomach being revealed. As soon as I saw a small bit of the wound covered in stitches, which would for sure scar, I gasped and pulled it back until I saw the complete wound.

It was such a nasty wound, not disgusting, but it didn't seem like it belonged there on him. It was so tall, probably eight inches tall and I felt so guilty for all those stitches in that wound.

But the most guilt I felt was the fact that a big piece of him was missing. It was inside of me, and not there anymore, not inside him anymore.

I had stolen his liver.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, letting go of his gown. "So sorry. Sorry, Edward. Edward, did I already say that I'm-"

"Bella," he said, lifting up my head and tearing my gaze from the awful gash. "Shut up."

"But I'm sorry," I blurted out once more, not at all offended by his remark. After all, it's the first things I had told him when I woke up.

He rolled his eyes and kissed my forehead.

"I'd give you any other part of me if it would save your life. My lungs, my kidneys, my skin, my blood, everything. Except my heart. You already have it."

I small cry escaped my lips and Edward chuckled.

"I'm yours."

I looked up at him with wide eyes and he steered his head a little.

"You have changed me," he said. "Nobody was able to fix what a man broke the day he ran his car against my parent's one."

He put his hand on my cheek and ran his thumb over my eyes, taking the moist away with that motion.

"Nobody had ever been able to make me even think twice about all the bad things I have done," he said. "Bella, nobody saw things the way you did. You once told me that using drugs is a scream for a help. You couldn't have been more right. You changed everything, Bella. But I don't seem to be able to change you."

He smiled as I just stared at him. It was like I couldn't really process what he was saying. I just listened.

"Maybe I'm doing it all wrong," he said with curiosity in his voice. He took my chin between his fingers and lifted my head more up and scowled. "Do you want to be fixed, Bella? Tell me the truth."

My mouth opened, but no words came out.

"It's okay, you can tell me the truth," he said. "I want to know everything that is going through your head. I want to hear all of it. Then maybe we could start something." When I didn't say anything, he pleaded. "Please, Bella, tell me if you want to be fixed."

"No," I murmured, and he released my chin. I looked up at him with teary eyes. "Not by anyone, unless it's you. I think... that... a lo-long time a-ago..." Edward scowled with a look of curiosity on his face, probably wondering why I was stuttering and trailing off.

He told me that his heart was mine.

I wanted to tell him the same. Not because I had to. But because I wanted to say the same. Simply because it was the truth and Edward deserved to know.

But my stuttering barely allowed me to.

"That... I... too..."

Edward lifted his head towards the door when we heard many footsteps coming our way.

"Cullen!"

_The chief._

"Edward!"

_Carlisle._

"Damn it!"

_No! Not her!_

"Is she awake?"

_He too!_

My eyes widened and I did the first and only thing I could do. I went forward and held onto Edward, tightly holding my left wrist with my right hand and pressing against Edward.

The chief was here. Carlisle was here. Charlie was here. And Renee was here.

"Don't let them take me," I whispered in Edward's ear. "Please, Edward, please. I want to be with you."

"I'm very, sincerely sorry, Isabella," he said. "Truly sorry."

I wanted to punch him.

And I did.

I let go of his back and slapped him hard where ever I could reach.

_That's for calling me Isabella._

_That's for saying sorry._

And after I slapped him one more time, Edward was dragged away from me and I was dragged out of bed as well, I screamed, "I hate you, bi-polar, orphaned, sex driven, monstrous... asshole!"

People around me were screaming, but I was only looking at Edward as a look of disappointment featured his face.

_Oh my gosh! What did I just say to him?_

"I-I-I-"

"Isabella!"

"Fuck you, Renee!"

She tried to hold my arm, but I brought my fist to her face and she fell on the ground, but I barely looked at her as another hand grabbed me from behind.

"Bella, calm down," Charlie said.

"I hate you, jerk, let go of me, let go. Let go!"

I yanked at my body and when that didn't work, I stomped on his foot and Charlie breathed in sharply.

"Look at your daughter, Charlie! Look what you did!" Renee screamed.

"What I did? She's only lived with me for a few months!"

"You ruined her! She needed a father and then she thought it would be funny to stop eating to get your attention." I started walking towards the door sneakily. "Don't you move, little girl!"

I froze and widened my eyes. She was furious and Charlie didn't seem any better.

I stopped listening, because wanted to escape. I had to leave.

But somebody stopped me.

And I didn't want to be stopped.

So I raised my fist to punch whoever it was.

A flat hand got on my fist, curling his fingers over my fist and basically putting my fist in his own.

This man was strong.

_Which was very old information._

"Let go, Edward," I said, trying to yank it out of his fist. I knew it was Edward. I could sense that touch anywhere.

"Bella, stop assuming things, stop thinking!"

I looked up at him and glared. He looked very taken aback and I wanted to cause him pain, like he had just done with me.

His other hand just in time stopped my knee from hitting him some place very painful. Edward pushed my knee down and pressed me hard against his body, so kicking him was useless. I just had one hand left to hit him with.

"You hurt me, I get to hurt you too," I said, trying to get free from his grip. Behind me people were still screaming and I wanted to scream back.

"I would never hurt you."

I stopped struggling and looked up, another glare towards him. This time he didn't look surprised.

"Like. I. Said. Stop assuming things, my sweet, anorexic love, just stop it."

I gasped and almost fell down. How could he say things like that?

Maybe he was trying to make us even. I did just call him bi-polar and an orphan.

And sex driven.

"Isn't that what you are then, huh?" he said, his voice changing to one that was hypnotizing me. "Are you not my anorexic love?"

"No. Let me go."

"No. You're panicking."

"So you're treating me like a cow again?"

Edward chuckled. "It works. That's all that matters."

"You're the reason I want to die sometimes," I blurted out, glaring at him. When the look of shock and guilt got over his face, I stopped glaring as a few tears fell over my cheek. "I begged you in front of everyone." I was whispering now. "I said that I wanted to be with you." I sniffled as I for the first time in my life really felt rejected. "And you just said sorry."

"Would you have rather I said _'Bella, don't be a foolish child, because that's what you are. Obey the law and do what your parents tell you to. You are seventeen, and therefore, my opinion is useless.'_? I don't ever want to hurt you again, Bella, but what am I supposed to do right now? Kidnap you?"

I scowled and he smirked.

"Like I said. Don't assume things. I want you. I want to marry you." His hands held my upper arms, and I reached my eyes up to him. I was just so tired. "I want to live with you. I want to have babies with you. And maybe someday, I'll be a really lucky bastard and be the owner of your damaged, torn apart heart and I'll be very, very gentle with it, Bella, I promise. And when that day comes, that will be the last promise I make with you, because nothing else will matter, just you and me."

He leaned over, his lips briefly touching my cheek as he went to my ear.

"I know. I hurt you. It wasn't the first time. And forgive me because I fear it won't be the last time. Just know that..." He sighed. "Please forgive me afterwards. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you didn't. I need you badly in my life. I need you so that I won't go wander that dark path again. You always bring out the best in me."

He stopped and kissed the side of my ear as his arms went around me in a hug, and he whispered his final words, because somebody grabbed my waist to pull me away from him. Edward must have seen it and that's why he told me that.

I stared with wide eyes as he had just said those words. He wasn't smiling. His face was blank.

It wasn't anything new. He had told me that before. He had engraved it in a ring for me. He had written it down on paper - my diary - so it was basically old news. But to hear him whisper it in my ears, while I was in his embrace and his breath on my face, it felt more intense then it ever had.

And as the person was pulling me out of the room and leaving Edward and all the other crazy people there, I couldn't prevent another scream.

A scream that ended in words.

"I love you too!"

I had never really said it in so much words and had never meant it so much. Renee and Charlie were beginning to yell a little less. But that didn't matter.

I wanted to reach for him, but he was too far away. That didn't mean that I didn't try and my arm was outstretched as much as I could stretch it.

"It's yours!" I screamed again. "It's yours! It's yours! It's yours!"

Just before I was pulled out of the room, the most beautiful, charming smile covered Edward's face. His eyes were sparkling and this smile was real, because I could tell he was trying to stop being happy, but he couldn't. The wrinkles by the sides of his eyes, because of that smile, made him even more beautiful.

_Why do I always hurt you?_

_Why do you always hurt me?_

_When did you give me your heart?_

_Why did I just gave mine to you?_

My eyes widened as I saw Charlie and Renee glaring at Edward, but he barely noticed. Renee's nose was bleeding a little. I may have punched her a bit harder then I had intended to do.

I hoped they wouldn't say something insulting to him. He didn't deserve that. I had insulted him enough already.

_When would I finally trust Edward completely?_

I looked back to see Carlisle.

"Ugh. You again."

"Yes, me again," he said. He brought me to another patients room and let go of me as he closed the door. "You have proven to every doctor that you are incapable of making your choices, Bella. Therefore, you leave me with no other options then to leave you at the care of a doctor that knows what he is doing. A real professional."

"What?" I screamed. "No, no, Mr Cullen, _please_, don't! Please, please, please."

I was good at begging.

"Please, please."

And I was good at begging my knees as well. So I dropped on my knees.

"Please," I said, drawling out the word. He watched me strangely as I continued pleading. He walked to the door and closed it, leaving me there on my knees and my eyes wide.

He did not leave me while not letting me know if my pleading on my bare knees had helped!

I got up and opened the door, only to see Carlisle walking towards the ending of the hallway and Edward following.

I tiptoed, following them, until Carlisle took a sharp turn to the right, disappearing into another room. I walked until Edward turned abruptly and took the final steps to reach me. He put his hands on my shoulders and pressed me against the wall.

"Go, sweetie. Go away."

I watched him with confusion and he quickly glanced at the door where Carlisle had disappeared.

"Go away, I don't want you hearing this conversation," he said, his voice soft so that Carlisle wouldn't hear him.

I shook my head and he sighed frustratingly and watched me for a second, before he glared at me.

_Wow._

"I don't want you here. I don't want you fucking near me. Piss. Off. Bella."

"Edward!" Carlisle called.

"I'm coming!" he screamed towards the door to Carlisle and then he turned back to me, his fingers pushing the hair out of my face.

His fingers were proving the opposite of what his words were telling me.

Such a strange person. I was looking at him curiously. His words should have affected me badly. I should have felt a pang of hurt, but it wasn't there. Instead, I wanted to go near him and smile and think _'Silly Edward, you can't fool me no more'_.

"Piss off, Bella, I don't want to see your face right now," he said, the back of his fingers going over my cheek. "Bella. I..." He looked down briefly and then looked up again, glaring at me. "Fuck off. Fuck off, or I'll make you regret it."

I almost laughed out loud, because there had been a small moment where he had turned nice, but then he forced himself to be angry with me.

He was sucking right now at acting. He had never been so bad before.

"Alright, I'll go, Edward," I said, turning around and pretending to be upset and angry.

I was anything but.

When I turned, Edward was gone, obviously thinking I wouldn't go back to listen to the conversation he so badly wanted me not to hear.

I was a curious teenager and had decided I trusted Edward. And I knew a few things about Edward.

One of them was that he had told me to piss off, not because he was embarrassed about what Carlisle was going to say to him.

He had tried hurting me just now, to force me to listen to him and leave and miss their conversation, because I knew that the conversation was about me and stuff would be said that would hurt me.

I just had to know what they were going to say about me, even though I was exhausted and really wanted to sleep.

Their discussion would be something which probably neither one of them would ever repeat to me. And if I didn't listen now, I'd never know.

So I stood beside the open door and listened.


	40. Chapter 40

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters.

**A/N: **So, long time. Nineteen days. Hope you guys will like it. It's almost the end, you guys :D.

* * *

**News**

Edward slammed the door close, but both of their voices were still loud and clear.

"So, what do you want to know?" Edward said harshly.

For a moment I heard nothing, and almost jumped when Edward's loud voice continued.

"What the fuck do you want to hear?"

Again I heard nothing, until a loud bang interrupted the silence. Someone had thrown something. I really doubted that that someone was Carlisle, and as far as I knew, there were only too people in that room.

_Oh, damn._

I was very well aware of my condition. I was exhausted and could easily drop myself on this floor and fall asleep. But I forced myself to keep listening. I couldn't figure out what had made Edward so upset or angry.

"Would you like to know how she will never trust me and probably hates me right now? Shall I say to you what I just said to her? How I told her to fuck off? That I didn't want to see her face anymore?"

"She trusts you." Carlisle voice was so calm that I had almost missed hearing him say anything at all.

"No!" Edward said in frustration. "I laid down my sex history in front of her on the table! Twice! Trust me when I say she hates me now."

I scowled deeply as I wondered if Edward really thought that. Yes, he had done that, twice, but I didn't hate him. Not really, no. I didn't think that I could ever really hate that guy.

_Because I think I really did have feelings for him._

Like now. He was angry, upset, or something, and I wanted to know what it was, so I could understand him.

"Why, Edward, why did you say that?" Carlisle said, his voice still calm, but I could hear he was confused.

When Edward didn't say anything, I realized his next words were said on purpose, just to get a reaction out of him.

"Do you like hurting the girl?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Edward instantly said. "I told her so she'd start to realize the jerk I am and so that she wouldn't care so much about me anymore. She keeps trying to make everything sound better when instead I did something that's so fucked up. Did she tell you I took drugs with her around?"

"What are you talking-"

"And how I almost succeeded taking of her clothes and have sex with her?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.

Edward's actions had caused _himself _much more pain then it had done to me. Yes, it had hurt, but I was over it now.

"What?" Carlisle snapped.

"She also told you how I called her Katrina?"

"Isn't she the girl that-"

"I took a knife and pierced her skin open until she was begging for mercy and before that was some more fun!"

"Edward, stop."

Carlisle sounded very serious all of a sudden. Edward was losing it. I could hear it by the way Carlisle turned serious and how Edward was barely able to control his words.

"Yes, before that was when I had my finger down her throat, forcing everything inside her to come out."

"Stop now, Edward," Carlisle demanded one more time.

"I barely let her speak and say the word stop, I just figured she'll drop dead, faint, or maybe be really fast, and quicker then my finger, and say stop! She did. Anorexic chick was fast! Fuck! Crap. Damn it."

I couldn't let Edward's words hurt me, I just wouldn't allow it to happen. Edward was not just angry, but he was upset.

He was regretting everything he had done to me.

But, he had healed me, he did know that. Right?

He had made me seen that puking wasn't always the best. He had done it brutally, but I guess that was the whole point. Doing that, puking on purpose, was something brutal. Something unnatural.

"Edward, you don't mean that..." Carlisle said, pain obvious in his voice.

"So fast," Edward simply continued. He was either ignoring Carlisle or really not hearing him. "While she was breathing through her mouth, I forced her to breathe through her nose. Wanna know how? I just pressed my hand against her mouth, there, does the trick perfectly, dad. You should try it on one of your patients."

"Edward, you have to-

"What else? Let me think. Oh. Yeah, there might have been a bit where I told her I'd fuck her senseless, and made a harsh comment about her not remembering since half her brain is dead and the rest would die along the fuck I'd give her."

Flesh smashed against flesh.

I pressed my hand against my mouth and closed my eyes shut.

_Oh God..._

_Edward..._

"Hit me again!' Edward screamed, his voice sounding so broken. A chair fell loudly down on the floor. My eyes opened again, wide with shock. "If that's what you love to do, Carlisle, then hit me again!'

"Sit," I heard Carlisle's ordering voice.

_Shit._

Did he have a photographic memory?

I really had to ask him...

"Edward, son, pull yourself together. If all that really happened, Bella wouldn't be here. You are either telling me lies, or twisting the truth. I'm sorry I slapped you, but you were getting hysterical by the second and you didn't respond when I told you to stop nonsense, which I tried at least five times. You were lost in your own rant, which was, if you ask me, a complete lie."

He stopped for a heavy sigh.

"Let's say everything you just said really has happened. Something else must have happened as well. Something good. Something that made Bella believe that being with you was for her own good and that it would be nice to be around you. Right? Son?"

"No, sir."

I scowled.

Edward sounded like he had calmed down. He almost even sounded submissive.

"If I look at Bella, I see the awe in her eyes, and when I see you looking at Bella, I see love," Carlisle said in a soft, normal voice. "Don't deny that, don't deny something I saw with my own two eyes. When that change happened, or how, I have no idea, but you couldn't have me more proud."

"Fuck you."

_Oh..._

Perhaps he had never calmed down. Maybe he had been sarcastic when he had said _'no sir' _and maybe he was still pissed off.

Carlisle sighed again.

"The best cure for any sickness, really, is love. You're the only one really able to give her that. To give her back her life. And maybe something more, Edward."

"Why don't you..." Edward began in a voice that carried more hate then I had ever heard, and he hissed, "go fuck yourself. Or Esme. I don't care."

"Shit!" I said and then clasped my hand on my mouth.

Who in Gods name says something like that? Who? You don't say something like that about the woman that adopted you and the man that tried to be a father for you.

_He has lost it._

You don't say stuff like that to the people that took you in their own house. You simply don't. It's cruel, and mean and Edward hadn't thought it through.

"Get out or I'll fucking kill you!"

I wished that it had been Carlisle that had screamed that. Carlisle would have said it, while not meaning it, but Edward would say it and mean it.

But the sad fact was that it had been Edward that had threatened Carlisle. I may not have been a fan of Carlisle and the only thing I knew about Esme is that she regretted adopting Edward, but what Edward was saying was wrong.

It simply was.

I jumped when the door opened and Carlisle closed it behind him violently, granting Edward his wish.

"I'll go talk to him," I whispered.

"No, Bella, no," he said, glancing at the door. He didn't sound shocked that I was standing there, probably knowing that I had heard it all.

"But maybe-"

"Bella, don't go anywhere near him, do you hear me?" he said, turning to me and watching me sharply.

"Okay." I nodded my head.

"Just let him there," he said. "And I'll go get something that will calm him down."

"Does that happen often?" I asked, curious if Edward really had an issue.

I expected the answer to be no, but Carlisle nodded his head.

"Really?" I asked surprised.

"You have no idea. The kid hates us. He caries too much hate inside of him and it's killing him. He's not really living, not with that kind of hate inside him."

Then he quickly walked off and I wondered if Edward's last few words had effected him more then it should have.

When he was out of my view, I opened the door and faced my back against everything in the room, as I looked at the door handle and closed the door.

Then I turned and gasped.

"Edward?"

"I'm gonna kill you, Bella, if you don't leave _now_," he said. His back was facing me, but he was very tense.

I walked closer to him and he tensed even more.

He was trying to harm me with words, but we needed a talk together. He was more damaged and hurt then I could have ever imagined and I wanted to be there for him. He was pushing me away, while I knew that deep down he wanted me close to him.

"You attract danger to yourself, Isabella. Fuck off. Or else I will hurt you and I will not stop."

"Okay."

I was going to agree with him. With everything he said. He was right about everything, even if he wasn't. I just wanted him calmed down. If that meant agreeing with him, then fine.

"Are you crazy?" he said, turning around. In the few second he had been alone, he had been crying. His eyes were red.

"Don't be hurt," I said instead, watching him with sad eyes. "It's okay. You're gonna be fine."

"Bella," he said threateningly slowly. "Don't go there." He started walking towards me slowly, but I stayed put.

He had _cried._

Of course I would go _there._

_Because you are beginning to mean the world to me and I hate it. I hate you. And I love you._

"You're a good man."

He was standing in front of me in a flash and grabbed my shoulder, while he was standing tall and looking down at me.

I would never be scared of Edward again.

"So many people care about you, and the funny thing, Edward, is that you don't even know. You aren't grasping it. You know that bullshit about love making people blind? Well, I've seen many people fall hopelessly in love, but I would have never thought that hate makes someone even more blind. Like you. You're blind. You can't possibly think that I hate you, you can't. I don't believe you. Really, that isn't possible. The hate inside you has blinded you."

He shook me once and I grabbed his chest so that I wouldn't bounce so hard. His hands grabbed my face, almost desperately.

"It's okay," I said, bringing my eyes downcast, staring down. "Calm down."

His grip lost his tight hold on my face and he slowly sank down until he was on his knees and then lower, lying on the ground. I quickly went down as well and sat there. I pulled him a little to my way and he put his head on my lap and curled up a little. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry you're hurting," I said, my voice breaking. I began running my hand through his hair.

And it had begun. He was crying and I never stopped bringing my hand through his hair. I loved the texture. I loved that color.

"I just don't know why. I love your hair." I slowly touched it, making it run through all my fingers.

Edward snorted sarcastically, but he was still crying. I didn't mind. I leaned down, until my lips touched his eyes. He squeezed it shut, too tightly and I pressed my lips even harder against his eye. It felt very strange, as if his eye was being pressed inside his head. I was afraid I had hurt him, so I quickly pulled back, but just the right amount to look at his face. He kept his eyes closed and his tears kept running. My lips had gone wet from his salty tears.

"I want to tell you a story," I said. His eyes remained closed. "It's a little sad."

"Hmm," he said.

"And just so you know, I forgive you."

His body tensed.

"Little fool," he murmured.

"And I forgive you for that as well. Though it was rude of you to say so..."

"What?" he snapped. His head turned until he was looking at me, his eyes open.

"Your mistakes, words. Everything."

"That easily, Bella?" he said with tired, angered eyes.

I nodded my head because I thought it was the best I could do.

"You weren't there when I took them, got high, stoned, lived off the world, you didn't see the looks those two gave me, and the little kids, whom I was supposed to give the good example to. Alice, Emmett, Jasper, I offered them drugs! And they looked at me like I was dirt! You didn't see how they started hating me and pushing me out of the family, you never saw that, Bella, so don't say bullshit. Don't you ever dare to go there again, because you don't know a fucking thing!"

"It's not-" I argued instantly but he had another tired look on his face. "Imagine." He looked up. "You, going to the foster home..." I wandered off, scowling deeply. Because I could imagine Edward in a foster home, but not alone. I was standing next to me. When I looked at Edward, he looked concerned at me. "You _and me _going to the foster home, all jolly and happy, we've adopted a kid already and go to see he's smoking... The hope crashes already, but only a little. We're both still very optimistic. The kid had lost his parents and tried to eat the emotions away with cigarettes, so he didn't have to feel the pain he would feel constantly if he didn't not hit the other kids and smoke."

His face was blank with just his eyebrow slightly up. God, I was embarrassed, and couldn't continue.

So I stopped.

I turned to look away. I could see him shift a little. And feel, of course, but he turned his body until he was lying on his back and looking straight up to me.

"Then what do we do?"

I looked down, but his eyes were closed, almost peacefully.

"We, ehh... We can understand the cigarette. We don't mind. It's just a cigarette. We forgive him."

'I don't.'

"He's nine. He's lost his parents two years ago. He's lonely. It's _one _cigarette. He's hurt. He's traumatized. He's alone. Forgive him, Edward."

I almost even snapped.

"Forget it," I mumbled, realizing it was all for nothing.

"Alright, fine," he snapped. "I forgive him. Then what do we do?"

I was momentarily shocked.

"We... take him home, to,' _this sounds so stupid_, 'our other kids. They brighten him up, but never really fully. We think it will pass, but never really see it pass. He's always a little in the dark. Always a little lonely and hurt.'

"I don't agree though," he said softly. I was pained to see tears again rolling down out of his closed eyes to the sides of his face. I couldn't stop myself from brushing them away.

Now I understood why he always brushed my tears away. The strange feeling of brushing them away, while also brushing away the agony with them, was present when you saw someone cry. You just wanted to take away their pain and see them happy again.

"What's not right?" I asked.

"Very," he said and then it was completely quiet.

_Very lonely and hurt._ "Not a little?"

"No. Definitely not, no. I can see right through him, but you can't, because you're the mother, always so damn optimistic and I'm not. I'm the father, seeing right through him."

Again quiet.

"Please, continue."

"Okay... He eh... kind of, lives in his own world, I guess. We don't know what he's doing, just thinking it's a phase which will pass."

I glance over him, but his eyes are still closed and I wonder if he's even opened them. He's completely still.

"It doesn't. I find out he's been touching drugs. Pissed off, lock him in his room and... let him there." I couldn't help but scowl. Wasn't that harsh? But maybe... "It's for the best, Edward, you would have done the same. You didn't see how he was seeing things that weren't there, you didn't see how he raised his fist at me while I only tried to light his lighter so he could have a cigarette. And when that was lit, his fist was still raised, he didn't have a clue what to do with the cigarette between his lips, he just... I put him in his room for his own good. In his room he's safe. He may not like it, but who cares about his feelings right now? I want him safe, not dead." I leaned a little closer. "I don't want my son seven feet under, Edward."

I had been talking about that one time in New York where I had seen him under influence of drugs. I knew clearly what he had done and almost done and how he had reacted. He had seemed like a dead, lost puppy.

Innocent, yet guilty.

When my eyes fell down from reliving the old memories, I saw Edward's gaze on my face, but when our eyes locked, he closed his eyes. I continued my story.

I wasn't sure if he had realized that this was the sad story I had just been talking about.

"We know he's still doing drugs, so we send him away. I'm so depressed by him, knowing I failed as a mother, knowing I wasn't able to fix my son, hating the day he came back to his failure mother, the one who had to sent..._her son_... away, just because I couldn't cure him herself."

The words were flowing easily, almost scaring me. I didn't know if Esme had really felt this way, but I let my fantasies take over me. Even if it wasn't true, maybe it could bring some comfort to Edward.

He deserved some comfort.

"I hate myself, for being weak and I tell you that, I tell you I wish we never adopted the kid. Maybe he would have gone to a better family. The one that could have helped him. Not me. We give him what he wants for his birthday, because is the least we can do, you know? After we failed on him. We give him something nice. But we fear he'll leave us someday because we know his real parents were rich and gave him all their money for when he turns eighteen. But he stays. We forgive him, of course, because it was our fault for not preventing what had happened right under our eyes. It's our fault the kid used drugs. It's our fault he never cured from it and it's our fault he's still broken today. But the child is always innocent. It's never the child's fault for what happens."

It was very quiet in the room when I paused.

"Then some freak shows up, annoys our son, but it seems that he's just as annoying to her as she is to him. They have a weird relationship, if I should call it that, and then someday, we find him gone, only to come back for the girl and leave again. We feel like we've failed him again. He hates us, but we'll never go to that feeling. He can hate us, but we'll always love him and see him as our son. Because that's what he is. I will always love him. He means so much to me. How could he not? He's the most intelligent, cutest, handsomest, little kid I've ever seen."

I waited for him to say something, but he didn't.

"I forgive him and I forgive you. By the way, that kid I was talking about was you and I was kind of Esme and you were kind of Carlisle."

"Really, huh?" he mumbled. "Didn't figure that one out."

"Yes, really," I said. He smiled and the tiniest roll of eyes was visible. "Oh. You're just joking."

His hand got up and he ran his thumb quickly over my chin and chuckled.

"You are amazing. Did you know that?"

I hated compliments. I never knew what to do with them. So I shifted my eyes away from him.

"You are. But I'm afraid for you too. You don't seem to react the way a normal person should."

"Are you feeling better?" I asked.

"Much, thank you," he said, with his eyes downcast and a tiny smile on his face.

"That's all I wanted. Edward, don't be mad..."

"Hmm?"

"I think... you should... apologize to... you know... that was harsh to say," I said, hammering all the way.

Edward was silent for a long time.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interfere..."

His eyes opened as he looked at me.

"Okay, Bella," he said.

"Okay, what?"

"I'll apologize."

He pushed himself up until he was sitting up. He didn't break eye contact.

"I tell you rotten things, and you still don't leave. What's wrong with you?"

I scowled, not understanding it quite.

I chuckled a little.

"Just now, Bella, I told you to leave and I didn't even ask you nicely. You're exhausted, Bella."

He smiled. That's when I saw there was awe in his eyes and his hand pushed a lock behind me ear.

"I'm sorry," he continued.

"I know. Whatever. I don't care."

It was getting harder for me to keep my eyes open.

I knew what Edward was talking about. He was saying that matters weren't in his hands anymore. My parents had come for me and that would mean either a clinic or Phoenix.

I sniffled once.

_Shit._

"Hey," he mumbled, bringing his head a bit lower to look at me. "Don't be hurt. It's okay." He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. "You're gonna be fine."

I sniffled again. He had remembered my previous words and was repeating them to me now.

"You do," I accused.

"Sorry?" he said with a scowl.

"Photographic memory," I mumbled.

When I saw his apologetic face, I gaped at him.

"Oh, man! Seriously! You're just... too perfect!"

Edward chuckled and left me breathless after a peck on my lips.

"Right now I'm your equal," he said, pointing at his hospital gown.

"If it weren't for me, you weren't be in tha-"

"Shut up, Bella," he said. "Don't feel guilty about this. I wanted to give you something that would save your life. And for now, it had worked. So please try and stay alive, or else my effort would have been futile. Come on, you're falling asleep on the floor."

Edward's arms did most of the work in helping me up and I landed on his chest with my own, and he quickly held me more tightly.

"Can you walk?"

I huffed.

"C'mone," he mumbled. "Let's get you to bed."

"Okay," I agreed.

Edward had taken me somewhere, brought me somewhere very warm, cozy and light blankets were on my body.

I had the strangest dream.

_Mr. Cullen and Edward were sitting on a table, on the opposite side of each other. I was standing in the middle, so I could watch them both. I was more like a ghost._

_They were having a conversation about me and suddenly, Carlisle said the following:_

_"If you could put you signature here, under Edward Antony Masen Cullen, then Isabella Swan's whole care will be in your hands. Everything you will do, will not do, have planned, will not be doubted. Think well about signing this, Edward, because it's not a game and will require your attention for a long time. Maybe even years."_

_"Doesn't Bella have a saying in this?" Edward asked in a monotonic voice._

_"No. Isabella has been-"_

_"Her name is Bella," Edward interrupted._

_He was defending my name. I tried touching him, but then everything got blurry, so I quickly pulled back my hand._

_"After Bella's suicide attempt, her frequent visits at the hospital, where once she was dead, and the fact that she's got anorexia, I was forced to declare Bella unfit to make decisions regaring her own healthcare."_

_"She's one ticket away from a mental institution then?" Edward asked._

_"Yes. And I wouldn't hold anything against you if you decide not to sign this contract, which will give you all the rights you will need to have her out of mental institutions and other places where treatments do not always work as fast as..."_

_"As what, Carlisle?" Edward snapped._

_"As love, Edward."_

_"You know, I don't believe that shit," he said._

_"Esme and I have tried our best with you. And what we did was not always the best choice, and for that I want to apologize to you, as does Esme, the next time you two meet. Us both have never, Edward, stopped loving you. We always were the ones to believe that love can conquer any problems a child has to live with. With you it didn't work. Esme and I never were able to fix you, which was partly our fault, and partly nobodies. It wasn't your fault, not once. It's never the child's fault. Still we do believe that love can conquer everything."_

_It really was just a silly dream of mine. Most of those stuff, were the stuff I had told him just a few hours - or minutes? - ago._

_"What are you saying?" he asked sarcastically. Ah, there he was again. Back from nowhere. That you two basically never loved me? Because you know, I'm still a fuck up."_

_"No, we did, we still do, and in the future, we always will."_

_"Then why the fuck didn't it work with me? You're saying bull, Carlisle. I can live with you too not ever caring for me. I could live just fine."_

_"Edward, there is one thing I didn't tell you."_

_"Fuck you, Carlisle."_

_"Love can only conquer when the beloved one shares the same feelings as the one who loves the beloved one. Do you understand what I'm saying, son?"_

_"Yes."_

_I don't. Why didn't I understand my own dream?_

_"So you understand Bella could die?"_

_What?_

_"Yes."_

_"That she could possibly not heal and that all your efforts could be for nothing? It will leave you crumbled in peaces on the floor."_

_"Carlisle... I never hated Esme and you."_

_"You never loved us. We're just sorry there wasn't more we could have done for you. All the mistakes you've made in life, and you're only ninetheen. We wanted to prevent those."_

_"Sure didn't seem like it."_

_"We did. You just chose to believe what you saw. We were always there, terryfied of your next move. We never stopped trying and that day, Edward, when you came back, Esme didn't mean she regreted the day we adopted you. She regretted taking you in our house, because there might have been some other family who could have saved you from yourself and you would have been perfectly fine. She was doubting herself as a mother. Not you as a son."_

_There! Now I understood it again. Because that is the same thing I had told Edward._

_"Whatever you are feeling toward us, try to understand it could be the same Bella is feeling towards you. A stranger, getting in her life and turning everyting upside down. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's not, but you must prepare yourself for the worst. With Esme and me, it's a son who will probably leave our home, but will live, and perhaps visit us sometimes, even if it's only for the case of Alice, Jasper and Emmett. With you, Edward, it won't be a girl who will dump you for another. It will be a break up because of a deceased."_

_"You really think she doesn't love me and never will?"_

_"Do you really don't love Esme and me? As the human beings who took care of you and always wanted the best for you?"_

_"Fuck you, fool. I never hated you two."_

_"Bella says that to you as well? Ignoring what you really want to hear, giving you other words that could give you comfort, but in fact, don't, at all?"_

_"I... I just always needed someone to blame, and you two were there, being the adults. With each passing year, I couldn't and wouldn't love the two of you."_

_"Why not?" Carlisle asked in desperation._

_"What if... What if I'd lost the two of you as well to a drunken driver?"_

_I gasped and my hand went to my mouth and I felt my heart pain for that man. He denied himself being loved, because he had been scared of losing the two._

_Even if this was just a dream, in real life, this was a fact. It had to be._

_"Edward?" Carlisle asked in shock. "E__dward, I can't believe I never thought of that."_

_"Well, screw it, it doesn't matter. Bella will never love me and she'll die. I guess I agree with Bella on this. Suicide does seem a nice way to end it all."_

_"Edward, it's alright to feel. You don't have to act like the tough guy. You wanted to love us as your parents. That says so much about you. You seeked comfort elsewhere. I forgive you. Esme forgives you. And so does Bella. She even forgives you already for something that is still yet to happen. And you know what? You know what that means? It means she has feelings for you, and the best ones are deep-rooted, but if you from now on could act like a gentleman around her, you'll be able to get them out of their hiding place."_

_"What if-"_

_"Edward, whatever happens, happens, but you are intelligent and always make the right choices. I trust you on this one."_

_Edward grabbed a pen and I went to stand closer to him. He grabbed the paper and placed his signature under his name._

_I smiled._

"Bella? _Bella_?"

It was such a nice dream.

"I have good new," Edward said.


	41. Chapter 41

**Disclaimer: **Character's belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N:** You might think that I'd upload every day because of the holiday, but no, sorry. It's still difficult. I work between 27-35 hours a week, have one to two hours of driving lessons, and I really should start learning those driving theory books (after I go and fetch them out of the library, of course) and sleep is also wonderful, and the wonderful fights here at home which drive me so insane, that they lead me to run away to my friend and even go to the police, because I literally felt lost (my next chapter, 11 I think, from Mistreated, has mainly my feelings written in there).

But I'm feeling better now. Hope you like this chapter. It's just very simple, Bella's (maybe) healing process.

* * *

**A bet**

I had been awake for a while in the hospital bed with many questions in my head. Things had happened, so many stuff.

My parents were back. I had three operations. I was back in Forks. Then New York. Edward had lost it. I had talked to him. He had been angry. He had been happy. He had talked to his father. His father gave Edward a form to sign. He had signed it. The form had been about me. It was about rights, me losing them, he getting them.

I just couldn't figure out which one of these had been a dream and which one had really happened. To me, right now, it felt like I had dreamed it all, but some of those things just seemed too creative for my own mind. Which meant that they really had happened.

I wanted to talk to someone, to ask them where I was. Last time I remembered, it was New York, I think I was also brought back to Forks.

The sound of the monitor was driving me insane. I just needed to have some answers.

That's when I found something with a button.

Whatever it was, I pressed it and waited.

I really didn't have to wait long. I didn't even have time to grow impatient, because Edward was there in just seconds, glancing around him.

"Hey," he said, absentmindedly.

"Where am I?" I instantly asked.

He scowled as he looked at me with a little amusement.

"Is it Forks?" I asked carefully in a tiny voice, looking slightly away from him, as if the answer would kill me.

"Would you like to be in Forks?" he asked instead, leaving me question unanswered. I was annoyed with him now, as he asked stupid questions.

"Would _you _like to be in hell... oh, I mean, Forks?" I asked, trying to sound sarcastic.

He chuckled as he shook his head. I didn't know if he was denying or just finding me impossible.

"Is that your image from Forks then?" he asked me.

"I'm asking the questions!" I said.

It was just so damn annoying. I wanted to know.

_Where am I?_

"Well, you do demand a lot from me," he said, walking closer to me.

"_Well_, you do not answer any of my questions when I ask nicely," I said angrily. That's when I groaned and decided to ignore him, just after my next words. "Forget it, jerk."

He laughed as he sat on the bed on the left side of my body and leaned his body closer to mine while putting his hand on the right side of my waist, on the mattress.

"A lot has happened," he said. "I figured that maybe you wanted some more time."

If he really was thinking that I was incapable of knowing what I wanted to know, then really, he was an idiot. I didn't even ask a very important question, just my current location.

I brought my head to the side, looking on my right, at the white wall.

"You are where you want to be," he said happily, obviously not realizing that I was ignoring him.

I looked back at him with annoyance.

"I'm serious," he said. "You name it."

"Right," I replied sarcastically. "Alright. I want to be in Sydney."

"I'll get a helicopter ready," he said with a grin.

I rolled my eyes.

"C'mone, Edward," I pleaded. "Something bad must have happened, or else you wouldn't be like this."

Edward brought his eyes downcast while he shook his head.

"On the contrary. Only good things have happened."

"Like what?"

A small smile was visible on his face.

"What?" I asked impatiently.

"How much do you remember?"

I tried to think back, but I could only remember that one event.

"You cutting me. And some more stuff after that."

All the rest was simply a blur and I didn't know if they were real or not. The cutting was a fact, because the stitches were still in my arm, visible. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself, if any of those things had been a dream.

But after I had said that, Edward had blanched and turned very serious.

"Bella, what else? What do you remember?"

"Well... many things. I just don't know if they were a dream or not."

Edward looked at me as if I was crazy, but then relaxed when I nervously looked away.

"So are you sure you remember your name, birth of date, where we are, what-"

"Where are we?" I asked quickly.

He sighed.

"We're still in New York," he said.

"Oh, good," I said, sighing in relief. "But what has happened?"

He smiled at me, but I could tell. He didn't know whether to be happy or sad.

"You've lost yourself the right to take decisions for yourself, regarding your own healthcare, like Carlisle had called it. It's not in your hands anymore."

"What?" I asked in shock, while he was perfectly calm. I pushed myself to a sitting position. "No! They can't take it from me! It's mine. It's my right. How can they do that? Do I have to go away again? No, I don't want to."

Edward grinned while I glared at him.

He grabbed my hand, that had gone up while I had tried to get more answers from him, and less amusement. Everything was funny according to him.

"They can, Bella. They have. But why are you being silly? You have forgotten about the most important question. Aren't you supposed to ask me something else?"

I watched him with probably so much confusion etching my face that he'd perhaps take pity on me and tell me what he meant.

He did not.

"Like what?" I snapped, fearing what he was meaning, but being a little calm, since he was as well.

"Who has got that right now?"

"Who?" I instantly asked. "Wait, somebody has to take decisions for _me_? _That_'s what it means, right?"

I widened my eyes as he nodded his head.

"Why?" I whined.

"To say it formally, you are unfit to make decisions about your own health. But because you don't like formal, I'll make it easy for you. You can not make decisions for yourself, and the odds of you committing suicide or dying from dehydration or malnutrition is huge. So you are not allowed anymore to make your own decisions."

I sighed and felt tears burning in the back of my eyes.

"Why?" I asked desperately. "Why does this have to happen to me?"

"I've got it," Edward said.

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"It's me."

I watched him as he took a breath.

"I'm supposed to make decisions for you. It's been made official. Carlisle sort of trusted me for it, but he told me clearly that I didn't have to take the responsibility on my shoulders, because it was a lot of work and would take a lot of my time. Professionals are available at all times and they were there to help you, starting pretty much... what time did you wake? Five minutes ago? Well, starting then.

"If you like it or not, it's me now and not them. You and me. I took the responsibility, because I wanted to. You aren't an obligation, you are a friend. You aren't just a girl, but you are somebody I care about."

"Edward?" I gasped out. "You're saying... Just... No more clinics and no hospitals? There..."

He shook his head.

"I won't force you to go there, even if it was your dying day. You've been there and you _lied_ to them and they believed you, the blind worthless shitheads."

"Edward!" I asked in shock. "You shouldn't say that."

"Well, they are. I won't force anything, just... you know... in a smart, maybe for you, manipulative way try and make you see sense and make you eat."

"Oh," I mumbled.

But he had it. I never had to go back to my parents and Edward wouldn't force me to go somewhere where they would force feed me or tie me.

"Really?" I asked, just to be sure.

"Yes," he said with a grin. "Are you offended?"

"Offended?" I asked. "Why should I?"

No more pain. I was free.

How could I be offended?

"I figured you wouldn't like this right I had over you..." he said carefully. "You know, I've got you now. I don't want to let go of you anymore. I might never give you back your right. Then you'll never leave me."

I watched him, until I giggled because of his serious expression.

"Bella!"

I giggled a little bit more.

"I'm glad you are amused," he said.

"You're just funny," I said. "Or maybe I don't believe you yet. But what you are saying is silly!"

"Bella," he said over my giggles and laughter. "Do I really have to get the papers?"

"There are papers?" I asked in hysteria, waving my hand in front of my face.

"Will you calm down?" he asked, checking over a few monitors. "Or I'm gonna have to sedate you."

"I thought I had lost all right to make decisions," I blurted out. "Shall I get the shackles?"

Edward smirked slightly, and grabbed a fat, huge needle.

"No, I'll be good, I'll be good, get that away from me, Edward, seriously, that thing is not normal, go away," I said.

"Promise?" he asked.

"Yes! Get it away."

Edward put the needle down.

"That one is used to get bone marrow out of the hip. So I wasn't really going to use it on you."

"Oh, I will," I said agrily, grabbing the needle and holding it in my fist beside my head, ready to shove it in his ass.

"Please," he said, grabbing my hand in one quick motion and pulling the needle out of my head. "You'll end up harming yourself."

He put the needle away, far from my reach and came back to sit on the bed.

"You've been sleeping for two days. Well, with the help of some medicine of course. Your body needed it."

"That long?" I asked.

Edward nodded his head.

"You've gained some strength, so I'm leaving the choice up to you whether you want to stay here or go back home."

"Home?" I asked in horror. I shook my head quickly.

"Here," he said, "in New York, silly. I told you already, it's yours as well."

I laughed nervously. I was not going to call his gigantic mansion my home.

_I can't do that._

I nodded my head.

"Let's go," I said.

###

"I'm so sorry," Edward said from behind me.

"It's nothing," I said, shaking my head.

"Bella..."

"Don't think about it," I snapped, walking towards the huge house. I was going to get lost.

"Wait," Edward said. "I can show you around, if you like."

"Thanks," I said.

Being back here, brought us both back the memories from what had happened the first and last time I had been here.

I didn't want to dwell on it for too long though. If he had stopped the drugs, then I was more then happy to ignore what had happened. And I wasn't going to cut myself.

The walk was long through his house and eventually I stopped and put my back on the wall. I wanted to let myself drop and sleep on the very appealing floor.

"I shouldn't have given you the choice," he said. "You're exhausted."

"It's nothing," I said, closing my eyes. I think I fell asleep.

###

I woke up in a very hot room, and for the first time I felt warmth in my hands and feet. I realized that I was wearing a thick sweater, short pants to above my knees and leg warmers with socks.

"Where am I?" I instantly asked. Before I could even look around in the room. Before I even knew if anyone was in there.

I already knew that Edward was there, somewhere, close beside me.

"Still New York," he said, typing quickly on a laptop. Edward was only wearing jeans. "I hope you don't mind, but I brought you to my old room. This way I can keep an eye on you."

I shook my head and looked around. I had already guessed that much. There was simply nothing in his room, except a huge bed, a couch, a table with a chair where he was sitting now and nothing else.

"I know what you're thinking," he said. "I think it was the day after they died. I threw everything I saw in boxes and threw those away. I didn't want anything to be in this room. They just had to get out of this room."

"It didn't work out the way you wanted it to be," I commented. He had probably thought that he would stay here, and not get sent to an orphanage.

It saddened me, now, to know that he was a real orphan, not somebody like me, who had her parents. Not that my parents really made my life better, but still. He had lost his, while I still had mine.

"It didn't," he said. "Are you hungry?"

My eyes widened at the question. I couldn't remember the last time somebody had asked me that question.

"I'm famished, and it's gonna be me who faints of I don't eat now. Come on."

"No, no, no," I said.

He grabbed my hands and pulled me out of the bed.

"Yes, yes, yes," he said. "Just a little bit. Five bites or so."

"One," I said.

Edward chuckled as he went down the stairs. They were going to be the death of me. Edward noticed how slow I was and stopped when I reached him. He bended slightly down and put his hands on my knees.

"What are you doing?" I asked hastily.

"Carrying you," he said.

"Where?" I almost screamed.

He turned his head with a grin.

"On my back," he replied. "I thought it was obvicous. Jump on."

"No, no, _no _way," I said.

He pulled me closer by my legs until I was touching his back.

"Just put your arms around my neck and I promise I won't drop you," he said.

"I want an elevator," I said, slowly putting my hands on his shoulders.

"You'll have to do it with me," he said as he pulled my legs up and I shrieked and quickly brought my arms closer to his neck. "See? That wasn't so difficult."

He was quick at reaching the end of the stairs but didn't put me down, but continued to another room.

It was their huge kitchen that I hadn't seen at the small tour, before I had passed out.

When he reached a chair, he turned and put me back down and told me to sit on the chair. I didn't even dare and look at what he was taking out of closets and the refrigerator.

"It's almost New Year," Edward said, putting something in front of me that sounded like a plate. I quickly turned my head to be face to face with his crotch.

_Embarrassing._

I quickly turned my head to look at the wall.

"I haven't got really healthy shit in the fridge," he said. "Want me to make something for you?"

"Sure," I replied.

"When was the last time you ate pancakes?" he asked.

_That_ I remembered.

"I was just getting ten and for fun, my mom made thirty pancakes, ten for Phil, ten for herself and ten for me. Who ever could eat all of them, would win."

"So who won?" he asked.

I looked back at him.

"She didn't make it farther then mixing flower and eggs. They got shattered each time, leaving her to throw the mixture away and start again. Eventually, all twenty eggs ran out."

Edward laughed but then quickly stopped.

"How sad. So is that when you got anorexia?"

"Shut up, Edward," I said, getting up.

"No, you aren't going anywhere," he said, grabbing me when my back was turned to him. He pushed me by my shoulders to the counter and put his arms on either side of my against the counter.

I noticed that all ingredients where there, with a glass bowl, a whisk and a pan already ready.

"I don't really weigh everything, just throw it all in and see whatever the outcome is."

He threw the flower in the bowl, together with the eggs and told me to mix it. I was still looking at his hand.

_He had broken the eggs with one hand._

"Bella, mix it," he said.

"How did you do that?" I asked instead.

"What?" he asked.

"With the eggs, with just one hand..." I said with a scowl.

Because of the position we were in, I couldn't see his face and he had put both of his hands back on the counter and was just _not_ touching me with his front side.

"Practice, I guess."

Edward put the whisk in my hand and put his hand on top of mine and began mixing it. He put his free hand on top of my other one.

"You quickly lose warmth," he said.

"You changed my clothes again," I said in return.

"With eyes closed," he said.

_Right._

Edward added the milk and began mixing it again, with my hand jammed between the whisk and his hand. Eventually he was done and kissed my head.

"I love you," he said. I froze as he pulled back his hand, creating space for me. "Put the gas on, please."

I quickly left the cage of his arms and put the gas on.

He put the pan on top of it and threw oil in it. After a little bit of the mixture in the pan, we both waited.

I was looking away from Edward, when suddenly something cold and wet touched my cheek and I snapped my head back. Edward had put the whisk on my cheek, while at the same time leaving the mixture of pancakes on it.

He laughed when he saw my glare and probably pancake covered smeared face.

I was gonna get him back for that.

"That one is for you," he said, while running one finger over my cheek and putting it in his mouth. I gaped at him as I quickly wiped my cheek with my hand.

"You're disgusting."

"Do you want it flambeed?"

"What?" I snapped. He always changed the subject.

"With rum?"

"On that?" I asked, pointing the pancake. "Are you crazy?"

"Sure," he said, finding a bottle and pouring it on the pancake.

"That is disgusting."

He grabbed a lighter, which was most likely the one he used for his cigarettes, and put it on, as he brought it to the pan, and quickly retrieved his hand. The whole pan burst out if flames and I edged closer to the warmth. He flipped the pancake over and when the fire died out, he brought the pan to my plate and put the pancake on it.

"Hope you like it," he said, putting more mixture in the pan. It didn't take more then a minute, before his was ready as well and he put it in a plate. "Just five."

"I don't want to," I said.

Edward shrugged.

"Okay," he said.

I looked up surprised at him.

"If you don't eat, I want to know something."

He was eating. And he was fast.

"Sure?" I replied carefully.

"What did you like most? You know, before you stopped eating."

"I don't really remember... I think those brownies with walnuts."

I think I shouldn't have told him that, because he grinned evilly.

"Make them. The recipe is somewhere in that book and you'll find everything you need in that closet."

Edward grabbed my plate and ate my pancake as well.

"You want me to bake?"

"Sure," he said, repeating my own word from previously.

I stood up angrily and grabbed the book he had pointed. I read over how to make them and almost fainted when I saw the amount of sugar, butter and chocolate you needed.

Edward made a few more pancakes for himself as I angrily began my new task for the day.

###

_The smell._

Shit.

Edward knew what he was doing.

It took me everything I had in myself to not put my finger in the dough and taste it. And it took me everything not to eat the finished, hot, great smelling brownies.

_They looked so good. So edible._

"Still nothing?" Edward asked. It had been a few hours ago that Edward had abandoned me and left me alone in the kitchen.

"No."

"Well, carry on, Bella," he said, as I heard his feat walking away from me.

"Wait!" I called, turning towards him. He turned as well. "Stay."

###

I stared at the bowl that was filled with the brownie mixture.

_One damn lick._

Was it gonna kill me?

I sensed Edward getting up and sure was I right. He leaned against the counter and watched me.

I looked up at him and wanted to burst out in tears.

Instead, Edward brought his finger on the side of the bowl and brought his finger in his mouth.

"Jerk."

He coughed as he began to laugh.

"Bella, you're so bitter," he said. "Allow me to help you get rid of that taste."

He brought his finger to the bowl again and quickly brought it to my lips, smearing it on my mouth.

Edward laughed when he saw me and the chocolate invaded inside my mouth and I tasted the sweet, powerful taste that was sugar.

"Crap," I said, as I licked my lips and got rid of the chocolate there.

I began to bring more of the chocolate in my mouth, by covering my finger with the chocolate in the bowl.

_Sweet._

Edward grabbed me by my waist and pulled me quickly away from the bowl.

"No!" I yelled.

"Here," he said, grabbing a brownie. "Try real food. You're gonna throw it all out if you don't stop eating so fast."

I had the brownie finished in less then a few seconds.

"You are a danger to yourself. It's a medical miracle that you are alive."

"Some miracle," I mumbled.

When I glanced back, the kitchen was an absolute mess.

Flour was covering almost everything.

I saw drops of fluent chocolate on the table.

At least sixteen bowls had been used, and I couldn't even remember if I had used them all, or even why.

There was an egg on the ground.

Edward didn't comment on any of that.

He just lead me to another room with a bed.

###

"Sleep," he commanded.

"Look. My hand is shaking."

"You'll be alright," he said. "It's just the sugar."

"Oh, no," I said, putting my head in the pillow, face down. "I ate sugar."

"I don't believe the access to heaven has been denied to you now," he replied dryly.

"You can't heal me," I said.

"Would you like to take a bet on it?" he asked.

My eyes were closed, ready to fall asleep, but not before I felt his lips press against on mine for a brief moment.

###

The next moment I woke, was because I heard loud clattering noises outside, creating a heavy, booming sound.

_Are those bombs?_

I turned my head and stared at the beautiful colors that could only belong to fireworks.

I had never seen a firework show so beautiful. Maybe it was the fault of Phoenix, but this was just amazing.

"Edward?" I called, my voice a little hoarse from lack of something to drink for quite a while, I guessed.

The window was open, leaving the smell of the fireworks behind in the room where I had been sleeping.

Edward walked in the room, squinting his eyes to the fireworks.

"Were you sleeping?" I asked.

Edward shrugged, as if it didn't really matter.

I had barely spoken another word, asking Edward where he had been sleeping, when he kissed me.

My eyes closed on their own effort, and when Edward pulled back, I heard him say, "Happy New Year, Bella."

He dropped on the huge bed, with his back on the mattress. He seemed to be make a lot of effort to stay awake.

"Why are you so tired?" I asked him.

He turned his head to the fireworks, looking at the colors splashing out of each other, each time making it high up in the sky.

I did the same and let myself get lost in the sight, just as the colors got lost in each other.

Celebrating a new year. Being happy, because it was the first of January.

Two thousand and eleven.

On the first day of this new year I was exactly where I wanted to be. In a small room, where the fireworks were clearly visible through the window, with Edward lying on the bed, while I was sitting next to him.

"Working, writing, thesis," he mumbled.

"Don't wear yourself out," I said, seeing a flash of red. "Happy New Year."

"Thanks," he said.

I continued watching as Edward's breathing turned heavier, and when I turned to look at him, he had the most peaceful look on his face.

A strange feeling invaded inside of me, and I felt happy, because of him. I knew that he was at a very nice place now, the place where he had no worries and was truly happy, and for that reason, I was able to be happy as well. I was able to be happy with him.

"Sweet dreams, Edward," I said.

I may have imagined it, but for a moment, there was only green fireworks in the air, bursting to life and creating a green halo in the room.


	42. Chapter 42

**Disclaimer: **Characters are not mine.

**A/N: **It's been a long time(3 months and 3 days). All I can say is I'm sorry and that I hope you'll like this chapter, because...

...it's got a surprise.

Read on and find out :)

* * *

**Going crazy**

This typing was a lot of work. It needed a lot of time, which I would rather spend elsewhere.

_'People with anorexia don't stop eating with the reason to get prettier or thinner, but they do it with other reasons, such as their emotions. Usually they look at themselves in a very negative way and they feel powerless and insecure, but by not eating, they can gain attention and appreciation. It's a territory in which they _can _excel.'_

Writing about the one thing I really wanted to write bout, and I would do it gladly.

I looked up when I heard creaking on the floor, but my eyes got right back to the laptop. I heard her come closer, and then she was standing right beside me.

"I didn't... I'm sorry."

Now I do stop concentrating on the work and look up at her.

"What are you talking about, Bella?"

Her eyes shift away and are slowly filling. I scowl and get up, and try to find the reason for this sudden behavior and pain. However, I come blank.

"Bella, tell me."

"Nothing," she instantly says, as she turned her back on me. "Never mind."

And as she walks, I find the reason.

_She has a limp._

"Did you fall?" I ask, flinching slightly at my own voice, which sounded harsh, even to me.

"N-No," she says, trying to quicken her pace.

"Bel_la_," I say quietly and reaching her to stand in front of her. "So did you trip or something?"

She shakes her head quickly but then I notice it at once.

_Her eyes are rolling back._

_There's blood on her sweater._

"No, Bella!" I say, holding her waist to prevent her from falling. "Stay with me, Bella. You stay with me!"

_Don't go there again!_

She's breathing heavily as I see her struggle to remain awake.

"That's it," I say. "That's my girl. Yes, that's how I know you."

Her eyes find mine and I pull her back into the room and slowly make her lie down on her back on my old bed.

When her head hit the mattress, two drops of tears out of both her eyes fall and roll over the side of her head toward her cheek.

First thing first was to see how bad the reason was as to why she was bleeding. I pulled up her sweater to see the shockingly thin stomach, which was something I would never get used to, no matter how many times I saw it, and then I saw that the blood was coming out of the wound where she had been operated on at the liver transplantation.

Only now, it wasn't closed anymore. Somehow it had reopened about two inches in the middle of it.

I put my fingers on each side and slowly brought the wound together. Bella hissed in pain and I looked up to see one of her hands had gone to the top of the bed to hold unto frame, and the other hand had gotten on her mouth. Her eyes were tightly shut. Slowly, I let the pieces of the wound go and it opened again.

"Did this happen when you fell, Bella?" I asked quietly. I reached forward, which brought me on my knees on the bed and my hand on the other side of her body, so that I could reach for her hand that was still tightly gripping the bed frame.

Slowly she allowed me to let her tight hand go of the frame and her eyes reopened, only to widen when she saw me above her.

"Will this pretty girl ever get used to me?" I asked, wondering out loud, but trying to make a joke out of it. "Huh, Bella?" I bent down and kissed her on her chest, where the scar underneath was coming a little up. With my lips, I felt two different structures of skin. Dead skin, and alive skin. It was healing so badly, and the skin that should have turned white by now, was still a bright red and a little swollen.

But it had been clear to me long time ago, that she would be scarred for life. On her chest, her head, her side, and her arms.

While I knew that I couldn't tease her for long, because I had to know that nothing inside her body had reopened, I pushed myself up and got up form the bed to search in my stuff for the needle I was looking for.

It was long, around three inches, and the width was three tenth of an inch.

Before Bella even saw me return back to her, I informed her about what would happen now.

"I need to check you for internal bleeding." And because I knew that this was not going to be pleasant, I added, "I'm sorry."

I put the needle quickly on the open wound, but Bella had turned her head instantly to look at what I was doing. She made an almost spastic movement to get away from the needle and I looked at the wound in pain.

_That really must have hurt._

"Get _that_ away from me," she said, her voice a combination of fear and anger. But it also sounded like frustration.

Instead, I held her eyes as hers were looking very insecure now.

_She's scared. She thinks she did something wrong and that I'm punishing her._

"I'll be as very gentle as I can," I told her as I kept holding those eyes. "I will stop instantly if you are in pain."

She shook her head as she eyed the needle, but somehow, I could see in her eyes that she knew that she couldn't win this battle. It saddened me, for her to think that I was always winning.

"I don't want to win," I told her out of nowhere. "I know that _you_ know that I _will_ check on you for internal bleedings, and that you know that there is nothing you can do to make me stop, and I wish I didn't have to do this, I really do Bella, but..."

I looked down for a second as I took a deep breath.

_Breathe in... Breathe out... She's innocent, don't get mad at her for no reason. She didn't do anything._

I forced myself to look in her petrified eyes.

She knew I sometimes would lose it. She knew it and she would always think that I would, because she had seen me like that before.

"Just let me take care of you," I eventually said. I grabbed her ankle, which was closest to me and when I had put enough strength on it, I pulled her towards me.

She screamed, she _fucking _screamed bloody murder and I instantly let go of her and got up to take a step back as she raised that leg and pulled it up toward her chest.

That's when I noticed _that _as well.

"You _sprained_ your ankle?" I asked incredulously. How did I miss that on her?

With the needle still in my hand, I went back to my stuff on the bureau with my laptop on it, and found a spray for her ankle. I removed the top and sprayed it on her ankle for a long time from the right amount of distance.

"It's cool," she mumbled.

I smiled ever so lightly. "Better?"

She nodded her head.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," I said as I ran my finger over her swollen, red ankle.

She just shrugged slightly and now the I had her in this lying position, I pushed her a little further away from me, so she would lie on her back. Her eyes went up for the ceiling, with still so much pain in them.

"No," she said, when I had put the tip of the needle on her wound. And that's when she cried. "What if... What if..."

She was choking on her own breathing and I removed the needle again.

"What if you do have internal bleeding?" I finished for her. "Then I'll get back to you. Right now, I say you don't have internal bleeding, and this check up is just to confirm what I told you."

"B-But what i-if..." she mumbled incoherently.

"Then, sweetest Bella, I'll get back to you," I repeated. "Will you allow me to check?"

She sighed as she closed her eyes again.

"Give me your hand," I told her.

She didn't.

I picked it up from beside her and held it in my own left hand, while I slowly put the needle back on her wound, on her right side.

"Just tell me to stop whenever you want me to, and I'll halt," I said.

Her hand was clammy in my own cold one, but I held it tightly, even though I wasn't sure if it gave her some comfort.

Slowly I pushed the needle in her skin with the carefulness that I had been thought to not touch any organs until I would reach my final destination.

Bella was taking deep, heavy breaths with much difficulty, but I couldn't stop, definitely not if she didn't tell me so.

And just as I thought that - the needle was halfway in - she started pulling at her hand.

I stopped and looked at her, but she was facing away from me.

"You are doing amazing," I told her. I ran my thumb over her knuckles and slowly she turned her head toward me. I saw her eyes going down toward my hand with the needle. "Don't look."

She stopped her eyes from going down and turned her head away from me again.

I sighed as I started pushing it down a little faster, because now it was a little easier not to touch anything vital.

She hissed once, but I had already reached where I had to get the needle to, and pulled the top off.

At first I inhaled sharply when I noticed blood running in the tube. But as I kept pulling, I noticed more transparent fluids and then, there was nothing else.

I pulled the needle out and put it on the ground as I looked at Bella.

"Do you want to know the verdict?" I asked her.

"No," she replied without hesitance.

"Okay," I told her as calmly as that. I found myself a few stitching supplies and pulled out a second needle, which was much small and much thinner. I didn't think she even felt it get in her skin around the open wound, as I pressed some of the numbing fluent in her skin. Once I was sure that the anesthesia had done its job, I put in the first stitch. She did need around six stitches to keep everything into place and when I was done, I put everything I had used back on the the bureau to lie down beside her on the bed, on my side.

She hadn't moved one inch.

"Bella," I sighed. "You're fine. The blood was just a little after blood from the wound reopening a bit, it wasn't because of any internal bleeding." I leaned over to her ear, and whispered, "I told you so."

Bella shivered and I kissed her behind her ear slowly. She shivered again, so I put my arm over her shoulders and rested my hand on her upper arm.

"Why did you apologize?" I asked her. "When you came in, you said you were sorry. How come?"

Again, she seemed uneasy, but now about the question.

"You can tell me, I don't mind," I reassured her.

"I-uh... I..."

"Bella," I whispered in her ear, "I can't seriously believe you think I'll be mad at you. I know I have been before, but I've learned my lesson. Getting angry with you, doesn't help anything. It makes matters worse. And I don't want to be angry on the woman I love."

She closed her eyes and bit her lip, as I continued.

"So unless you tell me, I am going to kiss you, and kiss you, and kiss you until you know for sure that what I said is the truth and you will tell me why you said that you're sorry."

I kissed her beside her ear now and lowered to her jaw as I kept putting small kisses on her face. She already didn't control her breathing anymore.

"Edward..." she said. "I don't know-"

"I know," I interrupted her, "I know, you don't know _anything_ and that's why I'm going to kiss you so you'll stop all those doubts. You're always unsure about yourself, but all I'm saying is don't. You don't have to be." I kissed her beside her lip. "You don't have to be anymore." I kissed her lips. But then I went down, to her chin and then her neck.

The hickey I had given her there was still visible, but only a little.

I grinned as I gave it a kiss.

"Who gave you this hickey, you dirty girl?" I asked her teasingly.

Bella's eyes widened as she averted her eyes many times.

"Was he any good?" I asked her. "But ugh, Bella, I can't believe you let a guy do this to you. Where is your self respect?"

She looked at me angrily as she opened her mouth a little, but closed it again.

"Since you're at it then, why don't you allow a real man to do the job?" I asked her.

"Why are you a jerk?" she asked me.

I grinned at her.

"I mean it..." she warned when she realized I wasn't joking about me previous remark.

"Yeah, so do I," I said, and leaned down to her neck for one, long open mouthed kiss.

Bella sharply inhaled. And she mumbled something so incoherently, I didn't hear it.

"Say that again," I said.

"Why?" she whispered.

It was so hard to _not _kiss her and taste her and please her. So I found my lips almost glued on her neck and she was trying very hard to breathe.

"Why what?" I asked quickly, as I continued.

"Why are you doing... _that_," she mumbled with the little breath she had left.

"Hmm," I said, as I couldn't stop making that spot bigger and darker.

"Edward... Why are you doing this to me?"

Her voice sounded so distraught, it made everything that I was doing unsexy and I stopped.

"I'm sorry, I'll stop... I'll be good," I told her as she was keeping her eyes tight shut.

And I remembered her two questions.

"I'm doing that, because I'm hoping you like it at some point and that you could actually relax if I do that to you. And as for your other question, I'm not sure if you mean why I'm doing it to you in particular or instead just _why _I'm doing it. But I'm doing it to you because I want to do it to you. It makes me happy if I can make you happy by feeling good."

But she obviously didn't want me to.

"Guess that other guy was better," I said jokingly.

Now she opened her eyes and scowled.

"I'm sorry for going to far with you," I said, as I leaned down and kissed the small hickey on the left side. "I'm sorry a million times." I kissed the hickey that I just gave her, which was so dark that it would for sure stay there for at least a week.

I took her hands and pulled her up.

"Let's go somewhere," I told her.

"Where?"

She sounded flabbergasted.

"Somewhere quiet where we can sit, eat a little and talk," I said.

It was the first of January and she had been sleeping for a long time. Now it was nearly dinner time.

"Come," I said, pulling her with me to the stairs and instantly taking her in my arms.

"Wow," was all she said. Her left arm behind me, on my shoulders, her right arm over my chest. I glanced down as I realized she seemed completely lost.

I slowly pressed my lips on her temple and left them there for quite a few seconds.

When I pulled back, she looked up at me. I walked down the stairs and walked us to the car.

I scowled when the second time I looked at her, I realized she was still watching me.

And I also realized that she was completely relaxed in my arms. There was no tension in her muscles and no fear emotions in her eyes.

"Are you tired?" I asked her. That could be the reason.

That probably was the reason.

Bella shook her head.

"No?" I asked confused.

"I think I have just slept for a long time," she said.

_Then why are you so freaking calm right now?_

I drove to a small restaurant and asked for a more quiet bit in the restaurant.

Once we were seated, Bella looked a little nervous.

"I... I am... I'm not..."

I stared intently at her as she never finished her sentences. She didn't tell me what was the matter.

How could I help her, if I didn't know what she was thinking?

"Would you like something to drink?"

I looked up to see a blonde waitress smiling to happily at me.

"Two cokes, thank you," I told her.

"Okay," she said happily. She turned her eyes to Bella and almost looked at her like she was dirt. Bella didn't notice, because she was staring out of the window outside. "I'll be right back."

_You do that._

I couldn't believe she looked at Bella like that and still thought she had a chance with me.

We were seated on a small, round table, so I grabbed my chair and put it beside her and plopped down next to her.

"Is it okay if I order chicken with rice for you? It's not a kind of meat that will fall so heavy on your stomach. Same goes for rice."

She nodded her head a little.

The blonde was fast to bring us our cokes with a glass. She looked a little strangely at us when she noticed I had gone and sit next to Bella.

But again, Bella didn't notice the foul looks she was receiving from the waitress. Or did she, and was she ignoring?

"Do you even notice anything?" I asked her quietly.

I put my arm around her carefully, but she didn't seem to mind. I let my fingers play with the hair that fell on her chest.

"What?" she asked me, looking up and she seemed as if I had just brought her out of a haze.

"That waitress," I said, pointing to the now empty place, "she doesn't really like you." Slowly, I brought the hair back, toward her back, and when that was back, I started bringing her hair to the side, toward me. My right hand was on the table and she looked strangely at me and then her left side. I had removed all the hair there, and brought it to the right.

"Why not?" she asked in confusion. She still seemed to be in a little haze.

I smirked. "Because that means I'm not single," I said and winked at her.

Bella stared at me blankly.

The blonde was back.

_Hello, hello._

She saw my arm around Bela.

"May I take your order?" she asked, still trying to sound very happy and even flirty.

"Yes, please. We'll have the chicken menu with the rice and fries."

"Just one menu?" she asked with a scowl as she wrote this down.

"Yes," I said as I ran my finger over Bella's neck. The blonde's eyes shifted to my moving finger.

_Bingo._

She was staring at Bella's neck, but then her eyes widened as they shifted. She cleared her throat and left.

"I know I said sorry for those hickey's, but they couldn't have come in more handy then they just did now," I whispered in Bella's ear.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I'm _not _single, Bella," I told her jokingly. "I'm with you."

"No, I..." she began as she again seemed to be in that haze. "I meant, why are you sorry?"

I stared at her.

"Say what?" I stared at her as she was just looking back. "Bella, I thought you practically told me to back off."

"I never said that," she mumbled.

_You've got to be kidding me._

"So you don't mind me kissing on your neck like that?"

"Well..." she said, shifting her eyes. "That other guy-" Blonde reappeared with our food, "-was better then you. But I guess you're just not very good yet."

She made a joke.

She's joking.

"I guess you have a lot of teaching for me to do then," I joked back. I smirked at Bella and thanked the Blonde. She didn't say anything as she left.

Bella stared at the food. I took her coke and poured it in her glass, and did the same with mine.

"She saw your hickey's," I told Bella.

"What? Who?" Bella looked around her and I laughed.

"You really didn't notice," I said while shaking my head. She was incredulous.

She stared a little into nowhere and I realized that I had to bring it down a little bit.

"I'm sorry," I said. I tore a small piece of the chicken with skin and held it close to her. She stared at her. "She just looked at you like your were filth. If I hadn't done that, she would have given me her number by the end of the night. Besides," I brought the chicken to her mouth, "I'm not single."

"I... I didn't notice... You shouldn't let that bother you."

"Of course I will," I told Bella. "Besides, she saw the bite marks."

Bella's eyes snapped from the chicken to me. "Bite?"

"Yeah, for an outsider, they look a lot like bite marks."

Her eyes widened and she took the chicken out of my fingers and put it in her mouth.

I looked at her with surprise.

I ate some too while using the knife and fork.

"Why did you order one menu?" she asked.

I turned to look at her.

"If you eat a whole, you'll throw it up. It's too much for your body."

"But now you can't have a whole," I said.

He shrugged. "There's always desert. To be honest, I just thought you would feel uncomfortable to have a full plate, while you only eat a few bites."

She took the fork out of my hand slowly and put some rice to put it in her mouth.

_I can't believe it. Her second bite._

"Years..." she said.

Something as simple as rice, and she hadn't eaten it for years.

"It tastes salty," she said. She looks at me, and looks even more attractive with her pupils slightly dilated. While I play with her hair and take straws to roll them around my fingers, she takes a fry.

She eats so carefully.

"I try to... think..." she says, without finishing.

"Please. Please tell me what's on your mind. Please trust me."

Her wide, shocked eyes come to meet mine.

"I know I'm begging, and I know I sound desperate, but I have to know."

Bella takes a deep breath while still chewing.

"Like now..." she begins, "I try to think of that day. Then one when you let me die."

I closed my eyes for a moment and remember that moment like it had happened just now.

_She's crying and crying. Why is she crying? She's getting what she wants and she can rest peacefully now. Dying is a scary thing, but if only she would let go, she would die much more easily._

_"Bella," I said. "I love you."_

_I brushed away her tears as her face turned blue. She's cyanotic._

_I had put my finger on her neck several times and I was sure that I had imagined it before. Because I swear I had felt her heart stop several times for quite a few seconds._

_And now. Now it was gone again._

_But... Now I felt it again._

_"Oh, Bella... I'm sorry it's taking so long," I whispered in her ear. "But I'm here. I said I would be. I'm not gonna leave your side."_

_I closed my eyes for a few seconds and put my forehead against her temple. It always calmed me down to do such an act. Maybe it would calm her down too._

_"Ana pulls me." I pull my head up._

_"Bella? What did you say?"_

_How was she still talking? She had died! Or was at least very close to dying._

_Ana was pulling her..._

_Ana is...?_

_Ana is pulling her!_

_"Shit, Bella! Fuck!"_

_I put my cheek against her face, but I didn't feel her breath. I checked for a pulse, but it was gone. Completely gone._

_It wasn't coming back anymore, like it had done previously._

_"No!"_

_I jumped off of the bed and pulled her corpse onto the ground and the first thing I did was ball my hand into a fist and hit with it onto her chest. Her body jerked, and I was already losing hope for any of this to be okay._

_"Bella... Bella... Wake up..."_

_My pager was in my pocket and I paged the chief._

_- 911 15/302 Bella_

_I closed her nose and pulled her chin down, and placed my mouth on hers. She was so cold. I breathed for her. She needed air. She had to have air._

_She had to survive._

_I placed my hands on her chest where her heart lay under and tried getting that machine back to its original beating._

_And as I worked further for an amount of time that seemed to me like weeks, I was pulled back, away from the corpse._

_"No! Bella!"_

_"Edward! Get a grip!"_

_"She's dead. She's dead. She's dead."_

_I kept repeating that, and eventually I started believing myself._

Now, she was sitting next to me, allowing me to put my arm around her shoulder, not to forget, kissing those marks on her neck.

"True," I said. "I let you die."

"I still can't believe you did that," Bella suddenly said. She didn't sound angry. Just a little tired.

"That was what you wanted... or so I thought," I said, but not looking her in the eye.

Bella huffed.

"I don't think you really cared about me anymore," she mumbled.

"Seriously?" I said, while putting the knife down on the table with a loud thud. Bella jumped up by the sound. "Seriously? I was injected with seven different drugs to finally calm me down. Or... so they thought."

_How could it bring relieve to her? I had to know. If it worked on her, it had to work on me as well._

_The small tool with a sharp ending was mocking me._

_I wanted relieve._

_So I was going to get it._

_I grabbed the scalpel and-_

-yanked up my left sleeve to show her the damage. Bella's eyes widened and she gasped. She put her hand on her mouth and eventually, looked up at me.

"No, Edward," she said, while shaking her head. "No. No. No."

"This is just about how much I _not _care about you. This much!"

I raised my arm higher for her to see.

The stitches were still in there. Bella had around twenty-five stitches in her arm. I had put them there myself.

But I... I had received forty-three stitches.

Bella bit her lip as she touched the edges of the stitches.

"How come you didn't tell me, Edward?"

"Sure, after you woke up from three surgeries, or maybe when you called me a bi-polar, orphaned, sex-driven, monstrous asshole, or maybe after, _to me_, it finally felt like things were getting better, so I didn't want to ruin it for us with _this_!" I pointed at me arm.

In Bella's eyes, I noticed tears.

"Why are they... Why is it so... Edward..." She looked up and looked ashamed. "It looks horrible, I'm sorry, but it's as if you were attacked."

"I used a scalpel, they're sharp," I said dryly. I yanked my sleeve back down and Bella jumped again by the action of mine. "Sorry," I mumbled.

Bella shook her head. She took a deep breath.

"I never meant to accuse you. When I was... dying, well, it was hard to stay alive. But I managed to talk to you, because I knew you were there. I knew you had stayed. You're the reason why I talked again. And... you did understand. I will never doubt your intelligence."

Edward smiled crookedly.

"So I'm eating now, because that day, I almost died, and because I don't want this," she pointed at my arm, "to have happened for nothing."

Slowly, she took another small bite of the chicken and rice. I took the fork from her and did the same. She had also drunk some of the coke.

We ate the rest up in silence and I would often look at her, but she had gone to her own world again. With my arm around he, I ran my finger over her cheek a few times. She would look startled for a second, but nothing else.

"You're adorable," I said. She stopped bringing the chicken to her mouth and her mouth remained open. I laughed at the sight and kissed her on the head.

She quickly put the chicken in her mouth.

"Do you want dessert?" I asked her, already knowing my option.

"Sure..." she said. She looked up at me.

_She can't decide. _"You know, they have those very sweet brownie's here, with ice cream on top. I even think they add walnuts in them."

Bella just stared at me as I put the fork and knife in the right positions on the plate so they would come and pick up.

With the arm that was around her, I pulled her a little closer to me, and with my thumb I softly touched her cheek. My right hand reached for her hand and I held it tight.

Bella was staring at me lips and I instantly leaned forward towards her lips, but stopped in front of her to look her in the eyes. For a moment, she looked, and then she closed her eyes and even leaned a little forward.

I smiled before I kissed her on her perfect lips and did my hardest best to be gentle with the fragile girl.

The blonde reappeared and carefully took the plate and two glasses.

I stopped the kiss and Bella sharply breathed in.

"I'll have the brownie with the ice cream, and for the lady the same," I told her, and off she was again.

Bella dug her head in my shoulder and I put my left hand on her head.

"Whatcha blushing about?" I asked her softly. She didn't answer me. I laughed at her softly as she kept her head on my shoulder for quite a while.

The blonde got back and Bella pulled back away from me. She put the two plates down and left.

I instantly took a bite. Bella didn't move much, so I turned my head to her. She was pale, with a blush on her cheeks. She was even swaying a little bit, so I tightened my right arm around her.

"You feeling okay?" I asked her. She quickly nodded her head, briefly looked at my lips, and away again.

I grinned at her innocent act. She had been affected by me.

"Are you sure? Perhaps there's something... I can do for you." I chuckled when she stopped breathing. "Is there anything I could help you with?"

She shook her head.

I leaned down to her eye height and watched her with a serious expression.

"Are you quite sure? Maybe this will help..."

I couldn't tease her any longer. I kissed her again.

And slowly with innocence, she was kissing me back.

"Bella," I said, between the kiss. "Isa-," I could never have enough of her, "-Bella."

We both slowed down and tried to catch our breath. She was looking down.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked quietly, teasingly. "Or should I help you some more?"

She took a shaky breath and looked up at me. I grinned again at her expression.

I gave one kiss on her lips, just to feel them again.

"Have some, it tastes great," I told her, pointing at her brownie.

Slowly, she pushed the spoon in it and took the small bite. She hummed and had closed her eyes. She was quick at taking another bite.

_... with bulimic tendencies._

I put my fingers around her wrist, and made her stop eating.

"What?" she looked up, in confusion.

"Take your time, B," I said.

She watched me as if she had no idea what I was talking about.

"Just..." _whatever, _"carry on." I let go of her wrist and she ate the brownie until it was finished.

Bella looked better, even if it was just one small meal and dessert she had eaten, she already seemed to look better. I asked for the check, left a hundred on the table, and helped Bella up, since I had never let go of her with my right arm.

"God, you're rich," she mumbled.

I chuckled at her.

"So are you," I told her.

"Don't do that, Edward," she said, shifting her eyes to me.

I opened the car door and let her get in it.

"Why not?" I asked her with one hand on top of the open door and one on top of the car.

She looked up.

"I just... don't want to be that much dependent on you. I'm," she sighed, "already... so much dependent and," she trailed off for a few seconds, "I just don't want to be dependent that much."

I huffed at her in mock and her eyes changed a little to anger.

"Come on, Bella, are you talking dependence? _You _dependent on _me_? You've got it wrong, sweetie."

"No, I don-"

I had pulled my sleeve back up again and had the stitches in my arm almost up in her nose.

"Yes," I said, throwing the door close and walking to the drivers side. I opened it and sat down. "You do."

Bella put her arm around herself and held tightly. I started the car and noticed how she pulled her feet up and put her arms around her legs. I touched her hand, but it didn't feel much colder then it usually did.

I decided not to ask. I just hoped she knew that she could tell me anything that was wrong.

She took a deep breath and I looked at her for a moment.

"Okay," she breathed. "Okay."

"Okay?" I repeated. What was she talking about.

She nodded. "You love me."

I looked back at the road.

Slowly, I smiled.

"You went crazy... more than I did," she mumbled.

"Oh, yes," I sighed. I rolled my eyes. So things were finally getting to her. "You can stop the compliments now."


	43. Chapter 43

**Disclaimer: **Characters are not mine.

**A/N:** I'm trying to end this story.. It's difficult though, but it has reached it destiny.

=)

* * *

**Golden ring**

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Edward asked me.

"No, you just go and do your work, don't let me get in the way," I said.

"Come on, Bella, don't be like that. It's late and there's nothing wrong with me watching a movie instead of doing shitwork."

"Shitwork?" I asked. "You don't like it?"

"Not what I'm currently doing."

"What's that?"

"Writing."

"About?"

"Pick a movie."

"_Fine_," I said. They had a big collection of DVD's and I pulled out one with an Italian name.

I showed him and he shrugged.

#

"He died! Edward, he died!"

"I never said it had an happy ending," he said.

"You could've warned me! Or at least tell me it's about the war!"

The movie had been about a little boy with his mother and father. The second war had broken down, and while the mother had been sent to another camp, the little boy and his father were in the same camp.

However, the father told his son that the camp was just a game, and he told him not to be scared.

If only I had know that the father would have died in the ending.

"You should see the good things the father did for his kid, not just the death of the father," Edward said.

"It's still so sad," I said.

Edward pushed my head to his shoulder and I closed my eyes.

"I would have done the same," he said.

"For your son?" I asked.

When he didn't answer me, I looked up to find him already looking at me.

"Actually, I meant you."

I bit my lip as I looked back down.

After all this time, I still wasn't used to his kindness.

But what he just said, brought us to a whole other subject.

"I can't have any babies," I said, my voice coming out too quietly.

"Well, I have never stopped believing into medical miracles."

"I don't want to have them, anyway," I said instead.

"No?" he inquired.

"No," I replied.

"I'm taking you to the hospital," he said.

"What?" I asked with wide eyes. "Why?"

"I'm not taking you as a patient, I promise," he said, standing up and offering his hand. I slowly took it but he almost lifted me up.

"Then why?" I asked him. I glanced at the clock. It was half past ten already. And I was really tired.

"You'll see," he simply said.

#

We stepped into the elevator when we were at the same hospital. He pressed a button. The light lit on.

"What's on floor fifteen?" I asked him.

Edward smirked as he kept staring in front of him.

"Ugh," I said, turning my back slightly to him.

Edward chuckled behind me. "Am I annoying you?"

I pressed my lips on each other.

But I couldn't remain silent.

"First you let my watch a depressing movie without warning me about its content and now you're dragging me to the hospital without telling me why!"

"The movie could be interpreted differently by anyone. Some see it as a happy movie. And I'm not dragging you here. I want to show you something."

The doors opened and Edward went straight to a door and slid a identity pass through the gap. The door opened.

He carefully, quietly, walked inside and pulled me with him inside the room. We came across another room and this door had a doorhandle. He opened the door and we were met with tiny boxes everywhere around the room.

In some boxes I could see the color blue. Others had the color pink. And they were so tiny. It seemed humanly impossible.

I slowly backed away but Edward grinned when he noticed and forced me to stay where I was standing by pulled me back.

"Where do you think you're going, Bella?" he whispered.

"Err... Away," I mumbled, pointing back to the door. "Let me go."

"I haven't showed you anything yet," he said, walking to a pink box. He picked the chart and scanned his eyes over it. "Jennifer Clay. Irregular heart beat. Low blood pressure."

My eyes were glued on Jennifer.

"Born on the twenty-third of December 2011. Five weeks prematurely."

Edward opened the box.

"Edward, don't!" I shrieked, holding his arm to stop him. The baby woke up and looked at us. Her baby eyes were blue while the little hair she had on her head was black. "Oh gosh, I woke up Snow White."

Edward just laughed as he pulled the tubes off of the baby. The baby watched him now. Edward found a stethoscope and listened to the baby's heart. Then he put the stethoscope aside and picked up the baby.

Now that I was able to walk away, I didn't, because I couldn't. Edward was holding a tiny, new born baby.

"You say you don't want baby's," he said. "And that may be true. But I can't read you right now. I don't know if you say it because you mean it, or because you know you can't have them."

"Why would I want them if I can't have them!" I replied angrily. "I'm sick of these conversations!"

Edward put the baby back as I realized my loud voice was of course too much for the baby.

"I wouldn't even be a good mother, so..." I mumbled, walking to the door. Edward was fast with reattaching the tubes on the baby and opened the door to let me out first. When we reached the second door, he asked me something.

"How do you know that?"

"What?" I asked sarcastically. "That I'd be a bad mother? I hardly know how a good one is supposed to treat a baby."

"Who knew when they had their first baby?" he asked me.

"Edward, please, shut up," I said, opening the door myself to finally get back to the more familiar side of the hospital.

"Fine," he said.

We reached the elevator, both of us not saying anything. Before I could hit the button that would bring us back downstairs, Edward had already reached for the button that read five.

"What's on floor five?" I asked.

"Death," he replied.

"S-Sorry?" I stuttered. "Not like bodies?"

Edward looked at me for a moment. The he pulled me again with him toward a door and when he opened that door and pulled me in.

"_God_," I mumbled, instantly turning back, but hitting my face on Edward's chest. "I'm not staying here."

"You died on me," he said solemnly.

"We have talked about this already," I said, trying to walk around him, but he just leaned against the door.

"Have we? I remember showing you my arm. But nothing else."

"There's nothing to talk about," I told him. "Let's go."

"No, we're staying here," he said.

"Are you a masochist?" I asked him. "Seriously, this is sick. Let's. Go."

Edward chuckled.

"No, I'm not particularly a masochist."

He had brought us to the room where I had died.

"And I'm not suicidal anymore," I said. "So let's go."

"I forgive you for many things, Bella. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for angering me so badly, I was so ready to leave you - and I don't even care where I would have left you. And I forgive you for dying. But that was only because you came back. I can't forgive you for dying."

He shook his head as he went to the bed and sat down.

"I wouldn't be able to forgive you for that."

"I just told you, I'm not suicidal!"

"And I don't believe you," he replied instantly.

"Edward... why would I kill myself now?"

Edward didn't reply, he just stared at me.

"Look. I won't. I know I once told you that you are the reason I sometimes want to die. But I lied. You are the reason I'm alive. You are the reason I came back that day from death. All the time I wasn't able to tell you that I really didn't want to die. I tried getting back to my body, and it didn't work. So... When I realized I believed you when you said you'd be there with me, I forced myself to get back to you. And it worked. Because I was able to talk to you and say that it was Ana who pulled me."

I walked to the bed and sat next to him.

"I'm still here because of you, Edward."

Edward smiled a little as he stared at me. And then he nodded.

"Why didn't you say so before?"

"Because it's ridiculous and I wasn't sure you'd believe me."

"No, Bella. No. It's not ridiculous. Love is not ridiculous."

Edward stood up from the bed and looked down at me.

He reached for his back pocket and pulled something out.

Then he kneeled in front of me.

My breathing hitched. Edward and I were looking at each other as he held the small box.

"Vuoi passare il resto della tua vita con me?" he asked.

"What?" I asked with a nervous laugh.

"Will you spend your life with me, Bella?"

He took my right hand and slipped the ring over my finger. The ring was simple. Gold with nothing extra on it.

It was really beautiful.

"Like this," Edward said. "As my wife."

"If you... want me to," I answered.

Edward looked at me and shook his head. "Not good enough."

After a moment I stood up and told him I was tired.

"Okay, let's go back," he said.

It was painfully quiet.

What was wrong with me?

Was it really that hard for me to just say yes?

What was stopping me?

I wish I knew.


	44. Chapter 44

**Disclaimer: **Characters are not mine.

**A/N:** Hi :) this is a quick chapter, it only took me six days.

Inspiration: My Best Friend's Wedding with Julia Robberts :) anybody who knows the movie... ;)

* * *

**Helicopter**

In the car, I slowly dozed off until the point I had fallen asleep so deeply, I didn't wake until the sun was up and I was lying in a bed, alone.

It was Edward's bed, the one I had been sleeping in on New Year.

The image of Edward, leaning in front of me, was still fresh in my mind.

I had had a bad dream.

It had been about me and all my flaws. I was ashamed of the things I had done in the past. The cutting, the vomiting, the lying and the feeling sorry for me. I was nothing. Edward deserved better. That was something that would always haunt me if I would say yes to Edward.

"You up?"

"Yeah," I said, my voice sounding dry.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You're just saying yes, or?"

"Yeah."

_Whoops._

"No."

_Gosh, shut up, Bella._

Edward chuckled. I turned my head to him, seeing he was already watching me.

"It's noon," he said.

"That late?" I asked.

"You were really tired. There's nothing wrong with that."

"What if I'm not good enough?"

Edward scowled and sat next to me. He put his arm around me, pulling him into him.

He was getting too used to this.

But the worst part was, so did I.

"What for?" he asked, running his fingers through my hair.

"Stuff." I sighed when that wasn't quite true. "You."

"Bella, I'm not good enough for you! Not the other way around."

"Yes, the other way around."

"No. Bella, you haven't done anything wrong. This is not on you. And the point is, you are healing. You are trying and you are doing your best. Have you got any idea how… how much better you deserve then _me_."

I shook my head.

"No."

"Bella, I'm here, because you need… to survive. You can't do that on your own."

_Because you need me. _That's what he had been about to say.

"Do you promise I'm not a bother?"

Edward chuckled, even though I was serious.

"I do," he said.

"Promise?" I asked once more.

"Still death do us part," he said solemnly, jokily.

But my breathing hitched at his words.

He wanted this so badly. I knew he loved me. I knew I loved him. The only thing that was stopping me was me.

_No_.

Not me.

Ana.

She was still in my head sometimes, sounding soft, kind, but when in fact all she was trying was to ruin me again.

Anorexia had done enough to me. Anorexia had fucked me enough.

Fuck it!

"Fuck it," I said.

"Sorry?" Edward said.

We looked at each other for a second.

"Nothing," I quickly replied.

Maybe it was time for me to show him.

"Can I borrow money?" I asked.

Edward was quiet for a while.

"I promise I'll give it back."

"What do you want to buy?"

"Nothing."

"Sure you do."

"Alright, something. I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because… Because. Can I borrow your car too?"

Edward chuckled.

"I promise I'm not running away from you. I'll come back."

"Tell you what? I'll bring you to where ever you want to go and I'll wait in the car. It wouldn't be right, letting you drive with all the medicine you're taking and with the surgeries. You're still in healing process."

I nodded my head. "Okay."

"When do you want to go then?"

"After a shower," I said.

"Alright, I'll put a few towels there. I've also bought more clothes. I asked a lady there what she would like to wear if she could buy it and she pointed everything out to me. Then I bought everything double, one for her and one for you of each piece.

"You bought clothes for a random girl?"

Edward smiled sheepishly.

"As long as you didn't screw her," I said.

Edward's eyes widened.

"Joke," I said, looking at him.

He rolled his eyes.

"Bad joke," he said.

"Who cares?" I said, grabbing jeans and a blue thingy as a top, whatever the hell it was.

The shower was nice. I wasn't even sure how long ago it was I had had a shower. Some nurse must have washed me or something when I was out.

_Gross._

I wasn't even sure where I would find what I was looking for.

Maybe I'd do the same thing Edward had done. Pick some random guy and ask him for advice.

I sure could use advice about what I was searching.

"Alright, I'm ready."

I had gone downstairs, where Edward was lying on the couch.

The red thing I was wearing was horrible. It stuck on my body and Edward watched blankly.

"Wow," he said.

"What?"

"You look so thin in those clothes."

"I do?" I asked, looking down.

When I looked up, Edward was standing in front of me, both of his hands slowly going toward my sides.

His fingers ran over my ribs, touching them one at a time.

"Will you please eat this?" he asked, reaching for the table and showing me an apple.

I took it from him, but didn't bite it yet.

Also, he had bought new shoes I actually loved. They were shoes with too many colors on it. To be honest, it was hideous.

"Oh, shit," Edward said.

"What now?" I asked, looking back at him.

He was staring at the shoes.

"Those shoes should be destroyed or something."

I laughed.

"They're funny. Hideous, but funny."

Edward laughed and took his car keys.

"Come on, girlie," he said, opening the door and letting me out first.

Even when we were at the car, he opened the door for me to let me in.

I looked at the steering wheel.

My blood was smeared on it. Dry, dark red blood.

It had been months ago I had seen him touch that steering wheel, after he had kissed me in the woods.

_He was trailing his fingers over the blood stains on the wheel._

_'Shit!' I had forgotten about the damage I had caused in his car. 'I'll pay you. I'm sorry, but Jasper insisted on me driving. Just tell me how-'_

Now it was there, forever. Reminding us of that day for forever.

He started to drive, while I told him I needed him to bring me to the mall.

"Won't you tell me what you want to buy?" he asked.

"You'll see it anyway," I said.

"You can't blame me for being curious, right?" He turned his head to me with a lopsided smile.

I shrugged as he parked the car.

When I opened the door, he stopped me.

"You're forgetting something," he said, reaching in his pocket and giving it to me.

His credit card.

"Oh."

His credit card.

"I'll hurry," I said.

"Don't. Take your time."

He fumbled with the radio.

"Wait!"

I had just been about to open the door. He handed me his blackberry.

"If you need to call me, press one," he said. "If anybody calls on that phone and it's not my number, don't pick up."

"Oh, okay," I said. "Thanks."

With his blackberry and his credit card I left to the malls, finding the store I would find the object I wanted.

I noticed a guy, sitting on a bench. He had blonde hair, wore a shirt with some weird formula on it, and he seemed safe.

"Hey, could you help me with something? I'm looking for something."

The boy looked up and smiled at me. "Sure. What do you need to find?"

I told him and we brought me to the one that had the prettiest objects I wanted to buy, but also the most expensive.

Suddenly, the phone in my pocket went off. When I looked at the screen, it was just a number. I guess it wasn't Edward, so I hit the red button.

"So, which one would you want if I bought it for you?" I asked.

"How much may it cost?" he asked.

"Anything," I said. The price did not matter, because I would work for the money to pay it back to Edward.

"This one," he said, pointing.

I widened my eyes.

"The version for girls is nice too," he said.

It was too ironic.

The girl version cost eight hundred thousand dollar. The one for boys was one hundred thousand dollar.

I bought it, giving the credit card to the man.

"Thanks," I told the boy.

"Good luck with your boyfriend," he said.

I smiled.

"Yeah, thanks..."

The cashier was about to put it in a bag, but I told him I could put it in my pocket.

I was actually quite nervous, but I had to this.

I reached the car and saw something I hadn't seen Edward do for a long while. Or he had hidden it well.

He was smoking a cigarette.

When he saw me, he watched me up and down.

"Did you find it?" he asked.

I nodded. I grabbed the cigarette out of his fingers and threw it away.

He smirked and got in the car.

"So where is it?" he asked.

I smiled.

"Fine!" he said, giving up.

Maybe, today was the time.

I just wondered what his reaction would be.

This day went slow. By the time we reached his home, he made toast. I think I took a few bites, I didn't remember well.

I picked a random book and read in it. It was a book about a girl making fun of this homeless man. He never talks to this girl, until the girls feels sorry for him. She tries to reason with him, but that still won't work. Her relationship with her parents is just as worse as mine is. From her father she learns that this homeless man is aVietnamveteran. Then, when one day her father is driving home with his car, they meet a scene with a lot of people and police cars. Just before her father races off, she sees the homeless man, with a white face. He had been hit by a car. The girl did one last noble thing so the man would never be forgotten.

_Stupid book._

"You like it?" he asked.

"Oh," I said, jumping when I heard his voice all of a sudden. "No. He died."

"I know."

"Aren't there any books or movies that isn't just drama?"

"Marley and me."

"Marley dies." I glared at him for even saying that as an option.

"Yes."

Edward turned to walk out of the living room.

_Now. I have to do it now._

"Edward!"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He smiled, coming back to sit next to me.

"Of course," he replied.

"Well, you can say no, if you want, a-and..."

"Bella? Just say it."

"Okay." I took a deep breath and got of the couch. I dug in my pocket and when my fingers went around the object, I sort of went down on one knee, and then the other. I was kneeling on both knees.

Edward's face slightly turned to shock. His eyebrow just a little up, his mouth just a little open. And even his body seemed tense.

I bit my lip as I opened the box, revealing what was inside it. I stared at the ring.

"Will you marry me?"

When I looked up, he wasn't watching the ring, but me.

"Bella, are you joking me?"

"What?" I asked, my eyes wide now. "No! I just figured stuff out, and I just thought this is what you wanted. And you can say no."

"See why do you keep saying that?"

Edward's face was blank and I didn't like it. Why didn't he show me his feelings? Why didn't he let me see if he was angry, upset or happy?

"Say what?" I mumbled.

"_You can say no, if you want_," Edward said, mimicking me. I scowled.

"But I'm not joking," I said, looking back up at him.

"When I made it obvious yesterday what I wanted, how can you even think I'd say no?"

My eyes flew up to his. Now I could finally see that I hadn't offended him. He was really happy. But then he scowled.

"But you do," he said. "You say no."

"What? I'm asking you now!"

"Because it's what I want from you."

I shook my head.

"Because you're scared. You think you aren't enough by just being here. You think I want this badly."

I shook my head.

"Then what, Bella?" He was growing frustrated.

"Edward," I said. "Look at me and tell me if I'm lying."

I took a deep breath and looked at him again. He was watching me skeptically.

"I want to be with you. I love you. Yesterday, my old thoughts caught up with me. But you can shew her away, but don't think I want to be with you for just that reason. I like you. And I would mind if you'd say no, but I couldn't blame you..."

"Oh, Bella, shut up."

I closed the box with the golden ring. It was the male version of my ring. It was ridiculous I had thought by finding this ring on accident, it would have meant something.

But Edward had bought an eight thousand dollar ring for me! I was wearing that one, right now, on my right ring finger.

Edward took my chin and raised my head.

"Stop saying _that_," he said. "I would never say no to you, if this is what you really wanted."

He outstretched his right hand to me, waiting.

"Is it too late for me to accept?"

He smiled, touching me cheek with his thumb. My eyes fluttered for a second as I managed to shake my head.

"If you keep smiling like that, you'll manage to really ask anything from me," I told him as I pulled out the ring out of the box.

"That good?"

"Well, just dazzling."

I put the ring on his finger and slipped it over his finger. It was actually the first time I realized his fingers were so much larger and broader then mine. His whole hand was huge. It was really the hand of a man.

The ring, the color, it suited his finger, and the color of his skin.

I looked up, happy and smiling, when suddenly, he was giving me that smile I had just called dazzling and he came forward, to give me a kiss.

It was perfect.

But I was slightly worried.

"I don't want a big wedding," I said as I drew back.

"Neither do I."

Edward wanted to keep kissing me.

"And I'm not ready yet-"

"Bella, I'll wait for years, if that's the time you need. For now I have you as my fiancée. That's enough."

Again he gave me that smile, dazzling me enough to steal another kiss.

"Now you're just using that smile," I told him.

"For good purposes only."

I giggled and fell on the ground from my kneeling position, to keep on laughing. All of it was suddenly funny.

"What so funny?" he asked me.

"Everything," I said.

He was lying on the stomach on the couch, his head over the couch to watch me.

"There is one thing I actually still want to do," he said.

"What?"

"You'll see."

"No!" I said.

He laughed.

I got up, ready to smack him.

"Tell me! Tell me, tell me!"

"Sucks huh? Not knowing."

"I want you to tell me right now, or not at all!"

He smirked. "You are demanding."

I tried to tell him by my look that I wasn't joking.

"Okay," he said, taking his blackberry. He dialed a number and put the phone on his ear. "Hi, can I have the helicopter at five?"

"What?" I said, stepping back from him.

"For the whole night. Until tomorrow noon."

He looked at me.

"You know what, make that tomorrow evening."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"See you soon."

He withdrew the phone, watching me. "Well, your wish, my command."

"Helicopter?"

He nodded.

"At five?"

Again, a nod.

I glance at the clock.

"But that's..."

"Now," he said.

"Oh my God." I actually heard a helicopter outside.

"Come on, Bella."

He went to the door, taking just one single key to the house and leaving the rest behind. I walked behind him.

"I'm afraid of heights!"

"No, you're not."

"Yes."

"You weren't in the airplane."

"That's different. This is a helicopter. It makes noise."

"Bella, I won't let the tall heights hurt you."

He took my hand and gently pulled me to the helicopter. I just let him pull me inside and there were already two men, in front of the helicopter.

"Cullen," one of them said. "Destination."

"Just wait a second," Edward called. He placed me on a seat, and put the safety belt on me. It brought back too many memories from the past. "I can't believe I was such a jerk to you."

I grinned. He remembered as well. "That's you, Edward. A jerk."

"You are always complementing me, Bella. One day I'll even blush."

Edward pecked me and went close to the helicopter mans, saying something I couldn't hear.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked.

"Off we go!" One of the men called.

Edward sat next to me, putting his own safety belt on. The helicopter was really small, like two chairs in a bus, and at each side a window to look outside.

He wasn't going to tell me where he was taking me.

The helicopter didn't go very high and flew, really, really fast.

"God, God, God..."

"Edward is the name."

"Edward, Edward, Edward..." I mumbled.

Edward laughed hard and put his arm around me.

"Don't worry, I'm here."

"That's really not a comfort right now."

Suddenly, he kissed me, which was a comfort, but I was still tense. At the same time he rubbed my shoulders and neck.

"You're really scared," he said, his face just an inch away from me.

"Uhuh."

He chuckled and stayed close by me.

"Edward, I don't want a surprise..."

He sighed. "We're going to Forks."

"Forks?" I asked in disgust. "Forks! Why?"

He smiled that smile...

I closed my eyes.

_What does he have in mind?_

"We're here," he said. We had been flying for a while and I looked down, seeing Forks. There was a small drizzle. Edward took his phone.

Fluently, he spoke in Italian with somebody. I hit him on his arm and he grabbed both my wrist.

When he ended the call, he looked at me incredulously.

"Why did you hit me?"

"You are hiding something from me!"

He rolled his eyes.

"Bella, it's not even a surprise. Because... you can say no, if you want to."

"Say no to what? Edward? Say no to what?"

Suddenly, the helicopter leaped down in hurry.

I screamed loudly until it all stopped.

"Feeling better?" one of the men asked me.

"Screaming makes the tension go away," Edward said.

I didn't say anything, not even when we landed and Edward released himself from the belt and then he helped me.

"Why are we here?" I whispered.

He looked at me as he took my hands and pulled me out of the chair.

"Nobody's there."

"Oh. You sure?"

"Positive."

He had brought us to my home.

"What did you want to do here?" I asked.

Edward thanked the men and led me to the house. He found the hidden key and unlocked the door.

"You go first," I told him.

He shrugged and went in. Then slowly I followed.

"Are you sure we're alone?" I asked, tiptoeing behind him.

"Of course. We have to be alone with the things I have in mind to do with you."

I peeked inside the living room. Nobody.

"What did you say?" I asked.

Edward shook his head and slowly walked toward me, smiling.

"Would you like to take this thing a step further?" he asked.

"What thing?"

"This relationship."

"Oh. How?"

"You know," he said with a knowing smile. "Couple stuff."

"I... I... But I..."

"I'm not expecting anything, Bella. Just you being honest. That's enough. That's good enough for me. _You _are good enough for me."

I closed my eyes, to escape his sight.

His fingers went over my eyes.

"I won't hurt you."

I took a shaky breath.

"I'll be careful."

Finally, I opened my eyed and saw him eye me slowly.

"But I don't understand. Why did you bring me all the way here?"

"I once said, in horrible circumstances; _not here, but definitely some day, at some place, and preferably_..."

My mouth opened. "My bed.'

"Your bed."

"We're here for my bed?"

"Yes."

"Edward, you're crazy!"

Edward grabbed my waist and lifted me up to his body, telling my quickly to put my legs around his waist. He supported my weight with his hands on my back, and mine had gotten on his shoulder, holding tightly. He slowly walked us to the kitchen.

"Edward, you're crazy."

He took the first steps up. "You said that."

I shook my head as we reached up. He pushed the door with his back, entering my room as if he had done it for the past twenty years.

"Edward..."

"Yes?"

"I'm a little bit scared."

"That's okay. I won't do anything while you're scared." He sat on the bed and lied down, pulling me with his, so that I was half lying and half sitting on him.

He smiled at me and I scowled slightly. This was weird. He put his hands beside his head.

"This is like I'm your prisoner," Edward said, his eyes wide. It was so comical, that I laughed, dropping my head and body on him. "Oh, and now you're laughing evilly, because you have come to torture me." It must have been the nerves, but he had made me laugh.

"You're silly," I said.

Edward put his leg around both of mine, his hands on my waist and turned us over, so that suddenly, I was lying on the bed and he was on top of me, put not really putting much weight on me. He grabbed my wrist and put them above my head. His head was above mine now.

"You were saying?" he asked.

"Okay! I surrender! But you play dirty."

Now it was Edward who laughed. I felt his thumbs rub over the insides of my wrists. Just him doing that to me left me breathless.

"Edward, I don't know what to do..." I admitted. What if I did everything wrong? I was just scared.

"Bella, just stay honest with me," he said with a smile. "Let me do the rest."

That night, Edward brought me to heaven and back.


	45. Chapter 45

**Disclaimer: **Not my characters.

* * *

**Finally**

I tried to sleep, but couldn't. My thoughts were cloudy and screaming at me that _that _did not really happen.

_Last night._

Edward was truly amazing, though I hated to admit, even to myself. I liked him... a lot.

_No._ _I love him_.

But he simply didn't love _me _as much as I loved _him_. That was impossible. And still I was scared that he would someday soon leave me.

My mother had _as good as _given up on me. My father... He had been nice, but only for a while. Doctors, professionals had turned their back on me. Why would Edward not some day be one of them as well?

I was scared. All the time I was always aching, thinking about things, reconsider them.

But this boy... _man_... whatever he was, he had given me his liver.

That counted for something too. I could never forget that. A piece of his body was _inside me_ to replace what had been damaged so badly. Tears welled in my eyes and I cried.

Luckily, Edward was sleeping behind me. My back was pressed against his, his arm over my waist, his hand, which felt so warm and broad, was resting on my abdomen. Sometimes, in his sleep, he would move his fingers. I was still worried about it... my stomach... Because the voices were still there... they were still inside my head, telling me...

_You ugly bitch._

_You crying, blubbering baby._

_You really think he likes you? A fat, disgusting person like you, Bella?_

I would try to push them away, but sometimes, when I thought they were gone, they would beat me with the force they hit me as I heard _her_ again which made me more uncertain about myself.

_Come one, girl. He's Edward Cullen. He's slept with dozens of girls. You're just his number. Eight now, right? Or is it already nine?_

_No. Shut up, stupid Ana. Leave me alone._

_You're such a silly girl. Did you think he _enjoyed _that? Stupid girl. You should have listened to me. You should have just-_

I was sobbing, but tried to keep myself quiet. Now would not be a good time for Edward to wake. The sight would not be pretty. As I cried, I stopped hearing the voice. For that I was grateful. I really didn't need that voice inside my head right now.

I glanced at my old clock and it indicated it was already six in the morning. I took a sharp intake of a breath. _When did time fly so fast?_

I closed my eyes and it took me another long, couple of minutes for me to find peace in utter blackness. There was not even one dream, nightmare, or a picture as I slept. It was all black.

Aching.

I scowled. I was _so _hot. I felt sticky from sweat and yearned for water to clean myself.

_Wake up!_

My eyes flew open and I was instantly met with another pair staring straight at me with so many strange emotion in them.

I jumped slightly in the bed, being caught of guard.

"You scared me!" I accused, feeling my heart beat furiously, so early in the morning.

"_Bella_."

What did I do? Why did he sound so... so... _scared?_

He ran his fingers over my face and it seemed like he was examining me. I scowled again as the emotions in his eyes got more displayed.

_Worry. Anger. Desperation._

"Are you felling okay?" he asked.

I closed my eyes. I was still so tired. The shower didn't matter, I just wanted to sleep some more.

"_Bella_, please, tell me what's wrong," he said softly, but still with slight authority in his voice.

However I nearly fell asleep, until his voice snapped my out of it.

"Bella, stay awake."

"Let me sleep," I mumbled.

"No, something is wrong."

"I'm sleepy," I mumbled, almost desperate. "That's what's wrong."

I felt his thumb run over my cheek. My eyes slowly opened and I was met with worried eyes. Again.

"It's not normal for you to be so sleepy, Angel. I think you need another round of check-up."

I shook my head.

"How come you are certain?" he asked.

"Slept at five, possibly later."

He blinked in astonishment and I closed my eyes.

"You slept at five, possible later?" he repeated.

I nodded.

"Why?" he asked incredulously.

I moved my head away from him, but he pushed it back toward him.

"Well... Why didn't you wake me, little angel? I could have kept you company."

How...? How did _that _make sense to all the things I though last night? And secondly, there was no way I would have waken him. Not at all.

Edward sighed. "Sleep." His finger ran over my cheek and it felt oddly dry. I think it were the dried tears and hopefully Edward wouldn't notice that.

However, Edward sighed again and I felt a slight pressure on my temple and that kiss nearly took all the pain away. I almost felt human again.

"What a little fool you are, Bella Swan," he whispered very softly.

I whimpered, half asleep, not wanting to be insulted. Edward lightly chuckled.

"It's okay," he said. "I've got you." His arms got around my body, one on my stomach, the other touching my shoulders, neck and face. "You can sleep again."

It was as if his words were holy, because sleep I did.

When I woke, I was still awfully tired and my head hurt. Edward was now in front of me and it seemed that I had twisted to my other side.

I couldn't see if he was sleeping, but his form was so still. Not even the hand on my arm moved.

"Are you awake?" I whispered. The sunlight was streaming inside the room through the small window.

"Yep."

_Oh._

I glanced up at him. "How late is it?"

He shrugged, though it seemed as if he was staring straight at the clock.

"What happened last night? After I slept."

"What do you mean?"

He sighed. "Bella, be honest with me." He paused, as he added, "_Please. _Are you okay?"

This time I shrugged.

"Bella, you infuriating girl. You should have woken me." His hand rubbed my arm. "You don't need to act though around me. I can't help you if you act like you don't need anything from anyone." He shook his head, I saw it from the corner of my eyes and he repeated himself. "You should have woken me."

"Then what?" I asked. "What does it matter?"

"Then..." Edward mumbled. "I would have comforted you. Held you. Talked to you. Taken away your worries. If you woke me, I wouldn't have allowed it for you to suffer alone. It's not a job. It's not a responsibility. It's something I must do, because if you are hurting, so am I."

Suddenly, Edward pulled me to him and gave me a tight hug. He left me speechless.

"I thought you fell asleep... What a fool _I _am. Did I hurt you? Last night, I mean."

The question caught me of guard and I was glad he couldn't see my face. I was blushing.

"Not so much," I mumbled. The next part slipped out of my mouth, without my intention. I don't know which part of my told him, but it got said out loud anyway. "I'm glad it was you."

Edward kissed my head. It's where his lips were closest too.

"Me too," he said. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish that did not happen. Due to your... medical condition... it hurt more. And also because, obviously, it was your first time."

I blushed harder, even thought that was old news. But the way Edward said it...

"Obviously? Why do you say it like that?"

He shrugged. "I know you didn't lie to me, Bella, but still, I couldn't be sure..."

My mouth fell open.

"Then, however, I remembered something I read a long time ago in your file, something Carlisle had written. You said something quite depressing. As if it was impossible for somebody to want you in that way."

_Like who would want to have sex with me?_

He read that!

I tried to get out of his grip, but Edward didn't let me.

"I'm sorry about that too. For reading personal material."

"You keep reading all my personal stuff without my consent," I mumbled.

Edward chuckled. "I doubt you'd give me your consent anyhow. Besides, I was curious."

"You always are."

We remained quiet until I wondered...

"What happens now?"

Edward shrugged.

"What? No witty comment?"

He chuckled softly and ran his fingers over my arm.

"I love you, you are my fiancée and last night happens to be the best of my life," Edward slowly said. "I'm feeling very content now. I could stay here forever, if that meant you'd be there by my side."

"I love you too, Edward," I whispered. "So much."

I squeezed my eyes shut as Edward hugged me.

"I'll be better, I promise. I'll eat and try to heal. I'll listen to you and I'll try and let you guide me, until I am capable of doing that myself."

Edward's thumb was now slowly running up and down a small piece of my arm. Mostly he lay still.

"I don't want to die, because la vita è bella when I'm with you."

The title of that movie I had watched yesterday with Edward. His thumb stopped moving and he shifted until he could look me in the eye.

"You're my Guido," I continued.

Edward raised one eyebrow and smiled.

"And does that make you Nicholetta or Giorgio?" he asked.

Now I smiled as I was sure he already knew the answer.

"I'm both," I said. "Definitely."

"Good," Edward replied. "Definitely good."

I dropped my eyes and still had a smile on my lips. Edward trailed my lips with his thumb.

"Also, you're good at surviving. And that's over now. You don't have to survive anymore. You can start living... with me." Edward chuckled, though I knew he was serious. "You are unimaginably good at making by. You are a strong survivor, Bella. You lived at the point others would have died. You stayed alive. And _that_, my dear one,is the only true thing you're good at."

With another smile forming on my lips, I decided to believe him.

_The End_

* * *

**A/N: **Finally.

The final chapter, 1 day after my birthday.

I promise to reply to each review, because this is special. I'd like to thank you if you decide to review.

I have finished my first fanfiction, which I started on June the 6th 2010. One year and 8 months later, it's finally done.

If you are still there - reading this - I am truly honoured to have you as my reader. Because not only did you read through all those bad scenes, which a beta would have deleted, but you also continued reading until this very point.

Thank you a billion times. I loved this. Writing has become a part of me.

6-6-2010 was a special day :)


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